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Steam Announcement Trailer
Rated T for...being a little naughty.
Hey, you! Still enjoying Battleblock Theater on XBox and enjoying every moment of it, rightfully so? Good! Shut up, because I have two words that will change your life forever!
STEAM! Uh, VERSION!
That's right, get ready to experience the game that won every award for everything ever * like you've never seen it before!
STEAM VERSION! (WOO!)
Grab a friend and hammer through the most heartwarming/horrible story you'll ever experience!
STEAM!
In stunning 10000000p graphics!* With high resolution super-texture technology that modern human eyeballs can't even see!
Then hop online and makes lots of friends, enemies, and frenemies!
STEAM!
If you can handle frame rates up to 21,000...per millisecond, that is!*
And look! A multitude of game types are sure to keep things interesting! Especially with our STATE OF THE ART RAGDOLL PHYSICS! AND PARTICAL EXPLOSION...FUTURE SYSTEMS!
Build your own levels to dazzle and annoy your friends, by using our ADVANCED MANIPULATION ENGINE, ALLOWING YOU TO CONTROL WHAT YOU SEE ON SCREEN! THE POWER IS IN YOUR HANDS!
Oh, and there's a lot of stuff to collect and brag about, too! And your PANTS WILL COLLECT HUMAN FECES WHEN YOU LOOK AT THIS MIND-BLOWINGLY REALISTIC HAIR SIMULATION! LOOK AT IT!
So buckle said pants and get ready to ro- OCULUS RIFT SUPPORT, FOR UP TO FIVE SIMULTANEOUS... OCULUSES!* (PENDING!)
VIDEO CARD MEGA GRAPHIC THROTTLING! WITH RAM PROCESSORS!
SOUND EFFECTS WHEN CHARACTERS DO STUFF! THE FUTURE IS NOW!
I hope you're down, cause things are about to get awfully Steamy in here...that was weird, sorry. I should've said...let's see, let's just say the Behemoth is about to release some Steam. Aw man, that was way better! Door opens GOD! Door slams shut
Hey, you! Still enjoying Battleblock Theater on XBox and enjoying every moment of it, rightfully so? Good! Shut up, because I have two words that will change your life forever!
STEAM! Uh, VERSION!
That's right, get ready to experience the game that won every award for everything ever * like you've never seen it before!
STEAM VERSION! (WOO!)
Grab a friend and hammer through the most heartwarming/horrible story you'll ever experience!
STEAM!
In stunning 10000000p graphics!* With high resolution super-texture technology that modern human eyeballs can't even see!
Then hop online and makes lots of friends, enemies, and frenemies!
STEAM!
If you can handle frame rates up to 21,000...per millisecond, that is!*
And look! A multitude of game types are sure to keep things interesting! Especially with our STATE OF THE ART RAGDOLL PHYSICS! AND PARTICAL EXPLOSION...FUTURE SYSTEMS!
Build your own levels to dazzle and annoy your friends, by using our ADVANCED MANIPULATION ENGINE, ALLOWING YOU TO CONTROL WHAT YOU SEE ON SCREEN! THE POWER IS IN YOUR HANDS!
Oh, and there's a lot of stuff to collect and brag about, too! And your PANTS WILL COLLECT HUMAN FECES WHEN YOU LOOK AT THIS MIND-BLOWINGLY REALISTIC HAIR SIMULATION! LOOK AT IT!
So buckle said pants and get ready to ro- OCULUS RIFT SUPPORT, FOR UP TO FIVE SIMULTANEOUS... OCULUSES!* (PENDING!)
VIDEO CARD MEGA GRAPHIC THROTTLING! WITH RAM PROCESSORS!
SOUND EFFECTS WHEN CHARACTERS DO STUFF! THE FUTURE IS NOW!
I hope you're down, cause things are about to get awfully Steamy in here...that was weird, sorry. I should've said...let's see, let's just say the Behemoth is about to release some Steam. Aw man, that was way better! Door opens GOD! Door slams shut
Main Cutscenes
Intro
Good evening boys and girls...
Ladies, (Mmmmm-tk-tk) and gentlemen. Turn the lights down low and shut your faces, as I wrap you in the cozy blanket of a story. A story as heart warming and soft as a mother's kiss, or is it?
Shhhhh…
Once upon a time there was a boat, now this wasn't just any boat children. It was a ship! A ship full of friends, hundreds of friends, best friends one and all! A veritable friend-ship it was… Get it? But it wouldn't be very ladylike of me not to mention the most noteworthy friend on board, Hatty Hattington.
Say HI to Hatty!
Hatty was like King Friend of Friendship Kingdom, best friend to one and all, and the walking definition of "handsome gentleman"!
Now one fine morning, Hatty and pals set out for a new, exciting adventure. What fantastic wonders will they discover this time? Perhaps they'd come across a scary ghost ship. Perhaps they'd find an island made entirely of candy! Perhaps they'd meet a band of scary, swashbuckling pirates, and join forces to find an island made entirely of candy!
Who knew? But it didn't matter...So long as they were together, there were smiles to be had and adventures to be shared.
Now today t'was a day like any other adventure-y day, spirits were uncrushably high, everyone was singing and dancing and having a jolly time! When suddenly the ocean was all like "Surprise!" and a huge, massive storm brewed out of nowhere!
*Whooooosh Wwohsoooh Woooshsbmlmba*
Boy, that was quick!
*Woooshlmvmhem*
And there was thunder, BOOM!
And the lightning, BOOM!
And the wind, BOO—*wusohsoshshushush...*
And like that, it was over...
"Is everyone okay?" said Hatty, "I don't know what I'd do if I lost even one of you!", Hatty continued.
But the eye of the storm is very misleading children, NEVER TURN YOUR BACK ON IT! Because the ocean was all like "SIKE!" and it came back even bigger this time, twice as big!
*Wshoooshoooshooo*
As if Poseidon himself extended his hand in friendship and they spat in his mouth!…
*Wsho-shuubrbrbrbbrbljusjusjs*
Boy he was pis— he was mad!
*shoo-weshooumshooo*
And the rain came down like a shower of bullets, ahhh ahhh!… and the floorboards were buckling and creaking and breaking and pieces of their ship were raining down like shards of broken dreams, and then Reginald comes upstairs and he's all like, "I say gentlemen, I do believe we’re in quite a spot of bother!" and everyone was like, "Really?! What tipped you off genius?" and then Hatty was all like, "Hey be nice!"
*Whoosh-oosh oosh oosh!*
Huge giant waves thrashed the boat to and fro, fro and to, Carelessly sprinkling friend after friend into the cold, unforgiving abyss of the deep, dark ocean, everyone was screaming like, "HELP ME!"
Splash! Splash! Then there was this huge whale like, "Mwwahhhh!" made it super scary. And I think there was a shark…
*Woosh-woosh*
Yup, there he is! Oh God! And then Hatty was all like, "Hold onto your butts, Land Ho!"
And then Bang! Bang-Bang! Smash! A shipwreck! As told by their fate books of fate… and while it seems like the end, this is only the beginning of a fantastic journey for the brave crew of the S.S Friend-ship.
Ladies, (Mmmmm-tk-tk) and gentlemen. Turn the lights down low and shut your faces, as I wrap you in the cozy blanket of a story. A story as heart warming and soft as a mother's kiss, or is it?
Shhhhh…
Once upon a time there was a boat, now this wasn't just any boat children. It was a ship! A ship full of friends, hundreds of friends, best friends one and all! A veritable friend-ship it was… Get it? But it wouldn't be very ladylike of me not to mention the most noteworthy friend on board, Hatty Hattington.
Say HI to Hatty!
Hatty was like King Friend of Friendship Kingdom, best friend to one and all, and the walking definition of "handsome gentleman"!
Now one fine morning, Hatty and pals set out for a new, exciting adventure. What fantastic wonders will they discover this time? Perhaps they'd come across a scary ghost ship. Perhaps they'd find an island made entirely of candy! Perhaps they'd meet a band of scary, swashbuckling pirates, and join forces to find an island made entirely of candy!
Who knew? But it didn't matter...So long as they were together, there were smiles to be had and adventures to be shared.
Now today t'was a day like any other adventure-y day, spirits were uncrushably high, everyone was singing and dancing and having a jolly time! When suddenly the ocean was all like "Surprise!" and a huge, massive storm brewed out of nowhere!
*Whooooosh Wwohsoooh Woooshsbmlmba*
Boy, that was quick!
*Woooshlmvmhem*
And there was thunder, BOOM!
And the lightning, BOOM!
And the wind, BOO—*wusohsoshshushush...*
And like that, it was over...
"Is everyone okay?" said Hatty, "I don't know what I'd do if I lost even one of you!", Hatty continued.
But the eye of the storm is very misleading children, NEVER TURN YOUR BACK ON IT! Because the ocean was all like "SIKE!" and it came back even bigger this time, twice as big!
*Wshoooshoooshooo*
As if Poseidon himself extended his hand in friendship and they spat in his mouth!…
*Wsho-shuubrbrbrbbrbljusjusjs*
Boy he was pis— he was mad!
*shoo-weshooumshooo*
And the rain came down like a shower of bullets, ahhh ahhh!… and the floorboards were buckling and creaking and breaking and pieces of their ship were raining down like shards of broken dreams, and then Reginald comes upstairs and he's all like, "I say gentlemen, I do believe we’re in quite a spot of bother!" and everyone was like, "Really?! What tipped you off genius?" and then Hatty was all like, "Hey be nice!"
*Whoosh-oosh oosh oosh!*
Huge giant waves thrashed the boat to and fro, fro and to, Carelessly sprinkling friend after friend into the cold, unforgiving abyss of the deep, dark ocean, everyone was screaming like, "HELP ME!"
Splash! Splash! Then there was this huge whale like, "Mwwahhhh!" made it super scary. And I think there was a shark…
*Woosh-woosh*
Yup, there he is! Oh God! And then Hatty was all like, "Hold onto your butts, Land Ho!"
And then Bang! Bang-Bang! Smash! A shipwreck! As told by their fate books of fate… and while it seems like the end, this is only the beginning of a fantastic journey for the brave crew of the S.S Friend-ship.
Chapter 1: Betrayed By Hatty!
You sure know how to make the best of a confusing and hopeless situation. But boy, this place is QUITE the enigma wouldn't you say?
I would!
And you know, a little warning would have been nice. You know, before they threw us head first into this gladiatorial, prisony place. With its perilous melody of twisted stage productions that shreds the silky fabric which weaves together the fragile blanket of sanity that keeps us sane.
But you know, whatever…
Either way it's safe to say we're in quite a pickle jar here! We gotta rescue our friends and get back to Mr. Boat!
I mean, they'd do the same for you, and adventuring just wouldn't be the same without... I dunno, THIS guy!
Best chef in ALL the land!
Food so stupid delicious, one taste would blow your face through the back of your head.
Like BANG, SPLAT.
And who could forget this quirky fellow? Ya know, he owns a bat farm back home, and his lifelong dream is breed a terrifying race of SUPER-BATS!
None of which makes any sense of course, because he's absolutely terrified of bats.
And this lovely lass always tells the BEST bedtime stories, HANDS-DOWN! Plus, she always smells like chocolate, so that's good!
And then there's this guy and this... handsome fellow and.. that.. thing.. dheshu
All your best friends, IMPRISONED! And they don't like it very much because it's BAD and HORRIBLE.
And then there's Hatty, the best friend of all. Why did he stab us in the back and twist the blade? I mean, just this morning he gave everyone flowers and presents. And now he goes out of our way to hurt our feelings?
Oh, I think not - you can't fool me, Hatty would NEVER betrayal us.. b-betray us NEVER!
Something fishy is going on around here AND I THINK I DON'T LIKE IT RIGHT NOW AT ALL.
It's must have something to do with that scary albeit fashionable hat!
Sure looks evil...
I mean it's glowing red and stuff. Glowy red stuff is always bad. Everybody knows that!
So what dangerous treats lie in store as we continue to unravel this treacherous sweater?
I don't know.. But use caution as you continue your gallant endeavor!
Don't, don't like fail and die and stuff, CAUSE IT'S ALL UP TO YOU NOW!
Wh- Why'd it, Why'd it do that. That was, that was scary...
I would!
And you know, a little warning would have been nice. You know, before they threw us head first into this gladiatorial, prisony place. With its perilous melody of twisted stage productions that shreds the silky fabric which weaves together the fragile blanket of sanity that keeps us sane.
But you know, whatever…
Either way it's safe to say we're in quite a pickle jar here! We gotta rescue our friends and get back to Mr. Boat!
I mean, they'd do the same for you, and adventuring just wouldn't be the same without... I dunno, THIS guy!
Best chef in ALL the land!
Food so stupid delicious, one taste would blow your face through the back of your head.
Like BANG, SPLAT.
And who could forget this quirky fellow? Ya know, he owns a bat farm back home, and his lifelong dream is breed a terrifying race of SUPER-BATS!
None of which makes any sense of course, because he's absolutely terrified of bats.
And this lovely lass always tells the BEST bedtime stories, HANDS-DOWN! Plus, she always smells like chocolate, so that's good!
And then there's this guy and this... handsome fellow and.. that.. thing.. dheshu
All your best friends, IMPRISONED! And they don't like it very much because it's BAD and HORRIBLE.
And then there's Hatty, the best friend of all. Why did he stab us in the back and twist the blade? I mean, just this morning he gave everyone flowers and presents. And now he goes out of our way to hurt our feelings?
Oh, I think not - you can't fool me, Hatty would NEVER betrayal us.. b-betray us NEVER!
Something fishy is going on around here AND I THINK I DON'T LIKE IT RIGHT NOW AT ALL.
It's must have something to do with that scary albeit fashionable hat!
Sure looks evil...
I mean it's glowing red and stuff. Glowy red stuff is always bad. Everybody knows that!
So what dangerous treats lie in store as we continue to unravel this treacherous sweater?
I don't know.. But use caution as you continue your gallant endeavor!
Don't, don't like fail and die and stuff, CAUSE IT'S ALL UP TO YOU NOW!
Wh- Why'd it, Why'd it do that. That was, that was scary...
Chapter 2: I Won't Leave Him Behind
Way to bite the bullet so far!
You don't even complain about the prison food!
Which is shocking, because that stuff tastes like doo-doo casserole with a side of butt salad.
But best of all, your riveting performances have the theater bursting at the seams with excited patrons!
And with all this extra cash you're raking in, the theater can afford some serious improvements and really start beefing up these horrifying shows of murdery death to appease the fickle crowd!
S-so, so that's... good?
And what's the deal with Hatty?
He just creepily looms around the theater all day...
LOOK at him LOOMING!
It seems like he's been forcefully-forced to manage this place!
Well it... looks that way.
He just sorta' sits there.
Just as productive as one can be.
Yyyep, living life to the fullest!
WHOA, SLOW DOWN BUDDY!
Yessir! Fulla' salt and pep'!
FULL OF PEE N' VINEGAR!
OVERFLOWING WITH YOUTHFUL ENERGY!
SAY SOMETHING HATTY!
*Owealawoleaugh!*
Cat got your tongue?
...shut up.
Ya know, people really seem to be a precious and rare commodity in this strange part of the world.
Seems our little boat wreck was a delicious gift from the heaven... gods, and these bizarre cats are taking full advantage of us!
What cruel fate left them to roam the grounds of this scary old theater, desperately ruling these bleak premeses' with an iron fff... paw?
And just how long have they been orchestrating this sinister scheme?
I mean... avert your eyes, children...
AVERT THEM!
There's boney people skeletons, everywhere!
SCARY, RIGHT?
Now, I'm no genius, but I DEFINITELY know how long it takes for a body to decompose, so this musta been going on for at LEAST...
W, wait... scratch that... thing I said...
*UCHKUMM*
So do you possess the courage to soldier onward and uncover the mysterious mystery behind this grim world?
Or will your hilarious death screams be drowned out by the sound of your own hilarious death screams?!
We shall see!
We shall see, we shall see, ...'ya seee?
You don't even complain about the prison food!
Which is shocking, because that stuff tastes like doo-doo casserole with a side of butt salad.
But best of all, your riveting performances have the theater bursting at the seams with excited patrons!
And with all this extra cash you're raking in, the theater can afford some serious improvements and really start beefing up these horrifying shows of murdery death to appease the fickle crowd!
S-so, so that's... good?
And what's the deal with Hatty?
He just creepily looms around the theater all day...
LOOK at him LOOMING!
It seems like he's been forcefully-forced to manage this place!
Well it... looks that way.
He just sorta' sits there.
Just as productive as one can be.
Yyyep, living life to the fullest!
WHOA, SLOW DOWN BUDDY!
Yessir! Fulla' salt and pep'!
FULL OF PEE N' VINEGAR!
OVERFLOWING WITH YOUTHFUL ENERGY!
SAY SOMETHING HATTY!
*Owealawoleaugh!*
Cat got your tongue?
...shut up.
Ya know, people really seem to be a precious and rare commodity in this strange part of the world.
Seems our little boat wreck was a delicious gift from the heaven... gods, and these bizarre cats are taking full advantage of us!
What cruel fate left them to roam the grounds of this scary old theater, desperately ruling these bleak premeses' with an iron fff... paw?
And just how long have they been orchestrating this sinister scheme?
I mean... avert your eyes, children...
AVERT THEM!
There's boney people skeletons, everywhere!
SCARY, RIGHT?
Now, I'm no genius, but I DEFINITELY know how long it takes for a body to decompose, so this musta been going on for at LEAST...
W, wait... scratch that... thing I said...
*UCHKUMM*
So do you possess the courage to soldier onward and uncover the mysterious mystery behind this grim world?
Or will your hilarious death screams be drowned out by the sound of your own hilarious death screams?!
We shall see!
We shall see, we shall see, ...'ya seee?
Chapter 3: Storing Things Out
You've really got the crowd eating from your delicate hands now!
There's never a dull moment with you at the helm!
Sept for maybe like twice...
But I gotta hand it to you, you've got quite the unbreakable spirit!
I mean I'm not nearly as brave as you.
If I was in your capably nimble shoes, I'd say "to heck with Hatty and my friends, they'll be fine!"
And then I'd pack myself a nice bag lunch, show these cats my faaavorite finger, and then I'd make like horse turds and hit the trail!
But I'm not you! And you're not horse turds — no sirs.
YOU are the very definition of the cat's PJs!
And speaking of which, these cats are truly bizarre! Why are they here?
I mean I've got my theories...
Perhaps they're aliens, from another world!
Maybe they're genetic experiments, GONE AWRY!
Or could it be that they were once normal kitties? NORMAL kitties who evolved into the strange, unpleasant creatures we see before us?
These... hideously adorable abominations with their... beady eyeballs, GIANT, BLOODTHIRSTY... tiny mouthfangs, slashy pawclaws, and stanky-funk breath!
Plus they're awfully rude and crabby!
I think they all need girlfriends or something!
"I'ma cat, seee? I'm grouchy, see?! I like to run around all day and hurt people's feelings, seeeee?!"
But don't take them lightly.
Although sassy and lazy by nature, cats are awfully crafty and finding a weak spot in that bright orange furry armor might prove difficulty... M... uh minus the "Y"!
THEY'RE ALWAYS watching, children...
I see them lurking in the shadows...
LURKING HARD!
Or hardly lurking, seeeee?
On that note, this whole THEATER'S like a bad joke!
But how did things get so bad?
At one time this theater was a nice place with flowers in every vase and smiles on everyone's mouth... faces.
Can you believe it?
I wouldn't believe it!
I mean if YOU told me that, I'd more than likely call you a liar, and walk away!
And um... find some place to get ice cream to replenish the innocence you blackened with your filthy deceits!
I like strawberry...
JUST KEEP YOUR WITS ABOUT YOU as you descend deeper into the belly of the beast...
And perhaps you'll find a way to put an end to this madness!
There's never a dull moment with you at the helm!
Sept for maybe like twice...
But I gotta hand it to you, you've got quite the unbreakable spirit!
I mean I'm not nearly as brave as you.
If I was in your capably nimble shoes, I'd say "to heck with Hatty and my friends, they'll be fine!"
And then I'd pack myself a nice bag lunch, show these cats my faaavorite finger, and then I'd make like horse turds and hit the trail!
But I'm not you! And you're not horse turds — no sirs.
YOU are the very definition of the cat's PJs!
And speaking of which, these cats are truly bizarre! Why are they here?
I mean I've got my theories...
Perhaps they're aliens, from another world!
Maybe they're genetic experiments, GONE AWRY!
Or could it be that they were once normal kitties? NORMAL kitties who evolved into the strange, unpleasant creatures we see before us?
These... hideously adorable abominations with their... beady eyeballs, GIANT, BLOODTHIRSTY... tiny mouthfangs, slashy pawclaws, and stanky-funk breath!
Plus they're awfully rude and crabby!
I think they all need girlfriends or something!
"I'ma cat, seee? I'm grouchy, see?! I like to run around all day and hurt people's feelings, seeeee?!"
But don't take them lightly.
Although sassy and lazy by nature, cats are awfully crafty and finding a weak spot in that bright orange furry armor might prove difficulty... M... uh minus the "Y"!
THEY'RE ALWAYS watching, children...
I see them lurking in the shadows...
LURKING HARD!
Or hardly lurking, seeeee?
On that note, this whole THEATER'S like a bad joke!
But how did things get so bad?
At one time this theater was a nice place with flowers in every vase and smiles on everyone's mouth... faces.
Can you believe it?
I wouldn't believe it!
I mean if YOU told me that, I'd more than likely call you a liar, and walk away!
And um... find some place to get ice cream to replenish the innocence you blackened with your filthy deceits!
I like strawberry...
JUST KEEP YOUR WITS ABOUT YOU as you descend deeper into the belly of the beast...
And perhaps you'll find a way to put an end to this madness!
Chapter 4: Getting Warmer....
Take my dainty hand as I whisk you back to a time long forgotten!
LONG before the sh... before the POOP hit the fan... here.
The year was 17... 0... 50... 9... ish, whatever.
Self-made billionaire, cat-fanatic, and theatrics aficionado Purrham Furbottom set out to create the BIGGEST, RITZIEST, most THRILL-INDUCINGIST theater ever!
And he did.
And it was THE talk of the town!
Trust me, if you weren't there, you were most assuredly square!
People were seriously like: "What, you weren't there? What are you, a NERD?"
Opening night was a thing to behold, as Lord Furbottom organized the GRANDEST, JAW-DROPPINGEST show ever seen!
There was explosions! And dancing girls! Dancing girls who exploded! Exotic animals! Exotic animals who exploded! Incredible feats of magic and wonder with fantastic production values all around.
Furbottom sat for days on end, marveling at his breathtaking creation and packing handfuls of delicious, buttery popcorn into his mouth.
But alas, his illogical contempt for intermissions ultimately caused his demise, and during the show, Furbottom passed away — having pooped himself to death on the way to the bathroom.
Legend says he clenched his butt as hard as he could, but his little cheeks just gave out.
Furbottom left nothing behind but his beloved theater, his precious kitties, his hat, and of course, his bloated corpse — which was lovingly drifted out to sea, and immediately ravaged by sharks.
And that, children, is the legend of Purrham Furbottom, a respectable — and apparently delicious — ahhh-gentleman.
But the show must go on, right? Right!
For thousands of years, Purrham's hat passed from head to head, leader to leader — and the theater still operates to this very day!
And what a piece of crap it's become!
I bet Purrham is rolling over in his sharks right now.
I mean everything's poorly run and the whole place stinks like pee and feet...
And with everyone involved walking a fine line between moodiness and fullblown insanity, it's only a matter of time before something truly horrifying happens!
...But try to keep a sunny disposition as you sink further into darkness, yeah?
Nobody likes a crybaby.
LONG before the sh... before the POOP hit the fan... here.
The year was 17... 0... 50... 9... ish, whatever.
Self-made billionaire, cat-fanatic, and theatrics aficionado Purrham Furbottom set out to create the BIGGEST, RITZIEST, most THRILL-INDUCINGIST theater ever!
And he did.
And it was THE talk of the town!
Trust me, if you weren't there, you were most assuredly square!
People were seriously like: "What, you weren't there? What are you, a NERD?"
Opening night was a thing to behold, as Lord Furbottom organized the GRANDEST, JAW-DROPPINGEST show ever seen!
There was explosions! And dancing girls! Dancing girls who exploded! Exotic animals! Exotic animals who exploded! Incredible feats of magic and wonder with fantastic production values all around.
Furbottom sat for days on end, marveling at his breathtaking creation and packing handfuls of delicious, buttery popcorn into his mouth.
But alas, his illogical contempt for intermissions ultimately caused his demise, and during the show, Furbottom passed away — having pooped himself to death on the way to the bathroom.
Legend says he clenched his butt as hard as he could, but his little cheeks just gave out.
Furbottom left nothing behind but his beloved theater, his precious kitties, his hat, and of course, his bloated corpse — which was lovingly drifted out to sea, and immediately ravaged by sharks.
And that, children, is the legend of Purrham Furbottom, a respectable — and apparently delicious — ahhh-gentleman.
But the show must go on, right? Right!
For thousands of years, Purrham's hat passed from head to head, leader to leader — and the theater still operates to this very day!
And what a piece of crap it's become!
I bet Purrham is rolling over in his sharks right now.
I mean everything's poorly run and the whole place stinks like pee and feet...
And with everyone involved walking a fine line between moodiness and fullblown insanity, it's only a matter of time before something truly horrifying happens!
...But try to keep a sunny disposition as you sink further into darkness, yeah?
Nobody likes a crybaby.
Chapter 5: I'll Save You, Hatty!
Purrham's hat sure is a mystery.
It vexes me so, it truly does!
But where did it come from?
Well children, some say the has was blessed by a voodoo witch doctor and then cursed by a another voodoo witch doctor like, 20 minutes later!
Others say Purrham was adventuring through the treacherous Caves of the Nightmare Princess, when he found the hat perched atop a GIANT RUBY! A ruby that naturally formed into the shape of a skull! A HUMAN SKULL! AHHH!
But you know what I think, children?
I think the hat is haunted by all the souls of its previous owners, ALL their dreams and failures mashed together in a frantic, poisonous scramble of grumpiness and conflicting viewpoints!
But I'm the dumb one, right?
I mean, you got these voodoo... nightmare princess thingies, easily the biggest crocks of sh... stuff I've ever heard in my entire life, but I'm the dumb one. That's fine.
And not just anyone can don the hat, you know.
It calls out only to those who embody the exemplary qualities required!
Charity, bravery, handsomeness, gentle-manity, inoffensive smell, etc...
And of course, proper head size.
Guess that explains why cats can't wear it.
Plus, who ever heard of a cat in a hat? That's preposterous.
AND HEAVY WEIGHS THE CROWN! He who wears the hat calls the shots — and in a time long forgotten, maintained balance and ensured that everyone was plump and happy and wanted for nothing!
But all good things come to an end, children!
Well, that's not entirely true, I... I figure pizza will always exist.
But this hat! Let's just say it's days of benevolent guidance are LOOONG over with...
You might as well flip it over and use it as a toilet!
I mean Hatty hasn't lifted a FINGER to spread the wealth or encourage smiles and the theater staff is really starting to feel unappreciated.
OH — OH LOOK! This smoldering unrest has given birth to a precious little storm cloud! Awww, lookit' his little raindrops...
And if things don't change around here, this little cloud's gonna grow up into a big, giant, SCARY cloud and spray us all with a drenching downpour of horrifying madness!
But don't lose sight of your mission. Hatty needs you more than ever now!
And I know things look bleak, but even the word "hopeless" has "hope" in it!
Plus, if you rearrange the letters, it spells "peeslosh!"
...The last part was probably unnecessary. I'm sorry.
It vexes me so, it truly does!
But where did it come from?
Well children, some say the has was blessed by a voodoo witch doctor and then cursed by a another voodoo witch doctor like, 20 minutes later!
Others say Purrham was adventuring through the treacherous Caves of the Nightmare Princess, when he found the hat perched atop a GIANT RUBY! A ruby that naturally formed into the shape of a skull! A HUMAN SKULL! AHHH!
But you know what I think, children?
I think the hat is haunted by all the souls of its previous owners, ALL their dreams and failures mashed together in a frantic, poisonous scramble of grumpiness and conflicting viewpoints!
But I'm the dumb one, right?
I mean, you got these voodoo... nightmare princess thingies, easily the biggest crocks of sh... stuff I've ever heard in my entire life, but I'm the dumb one. That's fine.
And not just anyone can don the hat, you know.
It calls out only to those who embody the exemplary qualities required!
Charity, bravery, handsomeness, gentle-manity, inoffensive smell, etc...
And of course, proper head size.
Guess that explains why cats can't wear it.
Plus, who ever heard of a cat in a hat? That's preposterous.
AND HEAVY WEIGHS THE CROWN! He who wears the hat calls the shots — and in a time long forgotten, maintained balance and ensured that everyone was plump and happy and wanted for nothing!
But all good things come to an end, children!
Well, that's not entirely true, I... I figure pizza will always exist.
But this hat! Let's just say it's days of benevolent guidance are LOOONG over with...
You might as well flip it over and use it as a toilet!
I mean Hatty hasn't lifted a FINGER to spread the wealth or encourage smiles and the theater staff is really starting to feel unappreciated.
OH — OH LOOK! This smoldering unrest has given birth to a precious little storm cloud! Awww, lookit' his little raindrops...
And if things don't change around here, this little cloud's gonna grow up into a big, giant, SCARY cloud and spray us all with a drenching downpour of horrifying madness!
But don't lose sight of your mission. Hatty needs you more than ever now!
And I know things look bleak, but even the word "hopeless" has "hope" in it!
Plus, if you rearrange the letters, it spells "peeslosh!"
...The last part was probably unnecessary. I'm sorry.
Chapter 6: We Came Here Together...
Now it goes without saying, but cats REALLY don't like to be ignored.
And my oh my, the staff is really upset now.
The lack of proper leadership has really twisted their fanny-cheeks! HARD!
Where's the appreciation? Where's the sparkly moneys at?
*Ding!*
Oh yeah. Good one bro.
And as you continue to conjure magic to distract the masses, your efforts seem in vain as your constant struggle to save Hatty and your friends has only created grander spectacles with harder obstacles to overcome!
How's THAT for a double-edged sword? Sharp, right?!
And the audience loves it. The applause is deafening!
The sandpapery kisses are plentiful and tickly, and they always want more.
MORE!
BIGGER!
HARDER!
THAT'S WHAT SHE — I mean, uh...
THIS place is turning into quite the impressive palace of horror now!
I mean you're going to be up to your THROAT in CATS and... LASERS like *Byew, byew, byew, byew!*
And SPIKEY things like *Shing shShing-Shing! Shing!*
And BOMBS and EXPLOSIONS like *Bang buhBang-Bang-Bang!*
So I'd say on my toes if I were you *BANG!* 'cause it's gonna be a massacre! A FUNHOUSE of death, except TWICE... no, THREE TIMES as deadly!
And to ice this little predicament-cake of yours, the staff is SICK of Hatty's bullsh... B-uh... NONSENSE!
They're sick of him! Look how upset they are!
GAZE IN HORROR at the DISORDERLY DISORDER!
"MYEAWWWW, MYEAAA, SEEE?"
Aren't you scared? You should be!
*BANG! CRASH! CRASH-BANG!*
"MYAAA!"
Kinda... hard to do it justice with these... little thingies, but trust me it's TERRIBLE!
Everyone's naked and rioting and... POOPING on the floor!
*PBBBTBTBTB!*
And clawing the expensive curtains! (Come on guys, they're expensive!)
Everything's going up in a horrifying blaze of CHAOS!
...Plus the picnic was cancelled and I've kinda got a little headache coming on and...
It just NEVER ENDS!
But go forth and give it your all!
I won't believe you've fought and died for nothing.
And perhaps, when it's all over, I'll meet you in the afterlife whilst perusing the Hall of Heroes, WHERE THE BRAVE LIVE FOREVER!
...THERE'S ALSO A HALL of losers and failures, you don't want to end up there. Trust me, it's embarrassing!
And my oh my, the staff is really upset now.
The lack of proper leadership has really twisted their fanny-cheeks! HARD!
Where's the appreciation? Where's the sparkly moneys at?
*Ding!*
Oh yeah. Good one bro.
And as you continue to conjure magic to distract the masses, your efforts seem in vain as your constant struggle to save Hatty and your friends has only created grander spectacles with harder obstacles to overcome!
How's THAT for a double-edged sword? Sharp, right?!
And the audience loves it. The applause is deafening!
The sandpapery kisses are plentiful and tickly, and they always want more.
MORE!
BIGGER!
HARDER!
THAT'S WHAT SHE — I mean, uh...
THIS place is turning into quite the impressive palace of horror now!
I mean you're going to be up to your THROAT in CATS and... LASERS like *Byew, byew, byew, byew!*
And SPIKEY things like *Shing shShing-Shing! Shing!*
And BOMBS and EXPLOSIONS like *Bang buhBang-Bang-Bang!*
So I'd say on my toes if I were you *BANG!* 'cause it's gonna be a massacre! A FUNHOUSE of death, except TWICE... no, THREE TIMES as deadly!
And to ice this little predicament-cake of yours, the staff is SICK of Hatty's bullsh... B-uh... NONSENSE!
They're sick of him! Look how upset they are!
GAZE IN HORROR at the DISORDERLY DISORDER!
"MYEAWWWW, MYEAAA, SEEE?"
Aren't you scared? You should be!
*BANG! CRASH! CRASH-BANG!*
"MYAAA!"
Kinda... hard to do it justice with these... little thingies, but trust me it's TERRIBLE!
Everyone's naked and rioting and... POOPING on the floor!
*PBBBTBTBTB!*
And clawing the expensive curtains! (Come on guys, they're expensive!)
Everything's going up in a horrifying blaze of CHAOS!
...Plus the picnic was cancelled and I've kinda got a little headache coming on and...
It just NEVER ENDS!
But go forth and give it your all!
I won't believe you've fought and died for nothing.
And perhaps, when it's all over, I'll meet you in the afterlife whilst perusing the Hall of Heroes, WHERE THE BRAVE LIVE FOREVER!
...THERE'S ALSO A HALL of losers and failures, you don't want to end up there. Trust me, it's embarrassing!
Chapter 7: We Will Leave Here Together!
I admire your tenacity! Truly, I do, fo' sho'!
But things have really gotten out of control here.
You've all quickly gone from precocious, loveable scamps to problematic liabilities!
How ridiculous!
Are we truly the only sane people on this twisted island? Or... perhaps we're the crazy ones and they're all sane. What a twist that would be!
..No, that's impossible. These guys are bat-poop crazy!
We gotta get to Hatty A-S-A-P: As soon as *Pyurrrm!* like a bullet! Mega, SUPERY fast!
But you gotta get through that vault and get that key first. And this particular vault is more dangerous than telling a GIRL she's CHUBBY! ("OH MY GOD!")
I know, right? It's a poop-inducing nightmare in there!
You're gonna be killed until you're dead!
But... ya know. Put your big-girl panties on. Everybody has problems.
And not to add ANOTHER ingredient to your rich, chunky stew of personal problems, but the staff's out for blood now! And they mean business!
Their spirits have grown far too weary, children. And a weary spirit requires sustenance! Rich, buttery sustenance!
Sustenance as ONLY sustened' by killing Hatty and starting this insanity all over again. With a new person!
What a counter-productively FUTILE charade this is!
When will they shatter their shackles of ignorance to transcend the bane of their self-afflicted miser...
WHEN WILL THEY STOP BEING STUPID, CRAZY, DUMB JERKS?!
EVERYONE'S KIND OF SICK OF IT!
But I guess there's no reasoning with madness. Or cats, for that matter!
Seriously, try talking sense into a cat. They just stare at you with their lifeless, patronizing eyeballs for like... a couple seconds.
And then they just walk away!
And then you're like "D-don't turn your back on me!"
And they're like "MYEAAAH!"
And then you're all like, "tch-MM Bshuh!"
And then they're all like "MYEAAAAAH!"
But it is what it is, I guess.
So, are you ready for the most importantly-important mission of your ENTIRE LIFE?
I hope so!
It's time to show these guys they picked the WROOONG boat of friends to tangle with!
Just hold on a little longer, homie! WE'RE COMING FOR YOU!
It'd be nice if you could... meet us halfway, but... you know, whatever.
"MYEAAAAAH!"
But things have really gotten out of control here.
You've all quickly gone from precocious, loveable scamps to problematic liabilities!
How ridiculous!
Are we truly the only sane people on this twisted island? Or... perhaps we're the crazy ones and they're all sane. What a twist that would be!
..No, that's impossible. These guys are bat-poop crazy!
We gotta get to Hatty A-S-A-P: As soon as *Pyurrrm!* like a bullet! Mega, SUPERY fast!
But you gotta get through that vault and get that key first. And this particular vault is more dangerous than telling a GIRL she's CHUBBY! ("OH MY GOD!")
I know, right? It's a poop-inducing nightmare in there!
You're gonna be killed until you're dead!
But... ya know. Put your big-girl panties on. Everybody has problems.
And not to add ANOTHER ingredient to your rich, chunky stew of personal problems, but the staff's out for blood now! And they mean business!
Their spirits have grown far too weary, children. And a weary spirit requires sustenance! Rich, buttery sustenance!
Sustenance as ONLY sustened' by killing Hatty and starting this insanity all over again. With a new person!
What a counter-productively FUTILE charade this is!
When will they shatter their shackles of ignorance to transcend the bane of their self-afflicted miser...
WHEN WILL THEY STOP BEING STUPID, CRAZY, DUMB JERKS?!
EVERYONE'S KIND OF SICK OF IT!
But I guess there's no reasoning with madness. Or cats, for that matter!
Seriously, try talking sense into a cat. They just stare at you with their lifeless, patronizing eyeballs for like... a couple seconds.
And then they just walk away!
And then you're like "D-don't turn your back on me!"
And they're like "MYEAAAH!"
And then you're all like, "tch-MM Bshuh!"
And then they're all like "MYEAAAAAH!"
But it is what it is, I guess.
So, are you ready for the most importantly-important mission of your ENTIRE LIFE?
I hope so!
It's time to show these guys they picked the WROOONG boat of friends to tangle with!
Just hold on a little longer, homie! WE'RE COMING FOR YOU!
It'd be nice if you could... meet us halfway, but... you know, whatever.
"MYEAAAAAH!"
Ending
And so, we've finally made it back to the boat, after a harrowing, exhausting adventure!
I bet your dogs are barkin'!
I mean let's face it — most of that ordeal was unpleasant to the point of sucking a whole lot!
But now it's time to relax in the forbidden moonlight of yesterday's promises! ...whatever that means.
And treat ourselves to a nice big mug of hot cocoa!
Whaddya' say, Hatty?
...But Hatty wasn't his normal, jovial self anymore, children.
He didn't say a word. He didn't even respond to hugs! Freakin' hugs! He loves hugs!
But he wasn't moving. He wasn't even blinking. Where has he gone to?
Where?
I bet your dogs are barkin'!
I mean let's face it — most of that ordeal was unpleasant to the point of sucking a whole lot!
But now it's time to relax in the forbidden moonlight of yesterday's promises! ...whatever that means.
And treat ourselves to a nice big mug of hot cocoa!
Whaddya' say, Hatty?
...But Hatty wasn't his normal, jovial self anymore, children.
He didn't say a word. He didn't even respond to hugs! Freakin' hugs! He loves hugs!
But he wasn't moving. He wasn't even blinking. Where has he gone to?
Where?
- So your best friend's a vegetable now"
"Blah blah blah"
"But you know what they say:
'When life gives you potatoes, make potato salad'
And I've got just the recipe!"
Hit it!Buckle your pants, Buckle-buckle your pants
Pull up your socks and dance! (WHOO!)
Buck-buck-BAWK-BAWK-Buckle your pants
Bucka-bucka-bucka-bucka-buckle your pants!
Buckle your pants, Buckle-buckle your pants!
Hey!, I said dance!
Buck-buck-BOK-BOK-Buckle your pants
Bucka-bucka-bucka-bucka-buckle buckle your pants!Ladies!
(Yeah?)
Buckle your pants!
Gentlemen!
(What?)
Buckle your pants!
Boys and girls of all ages!
(Yahee!)
Buckle your pants
Or they might fall down!
(BRBRBRBRB)
Hey you!
Buckle your pants!
Yes you!
Buckle your pants!
Everybody!
Buckle your pants!
But if you don't want to (NO!)
That's fine (WRONG!)Buckle your pants!
Buckle your pants!
Buckle your pants!
Or your pants will fall to the ground!
Buckle your pants!
Just buckle them baby, nice and tight please!
Buckle your pants!
Buckle your pants!
Buck-buck-buck-buck-buckle your pants!
Buckle your pants!
Buckle your pants!
Buck-buck-buck-buck-buckle your pants!
- "Oh I get it.. Ohm mh, yes… it all makes sense now!"
