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Quotes / Ass Shove

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"You better start talking, because in five seconds I'm going to put MY FOOT UP YOUR ASS! Then we'll BOTH have to go to a SPECIAL HOSPITAL! Feet up the ass are like arrows, son, you can't just PULL 'em out! They'll have to push my whole body out through your mouth!"

John Mulaney: (As his doctor, about frequent urination) Then you may have something wrong with your prostate. So, what we need to do-
Audience: (Starts groaning in disgust)
John Mulaney: Some of you are ahead of me.
John Mulaney: New In Town

"Maybe if the game is like, you know, WarioWare—Shoveupyoownassgame, yeah, I don't know if there are any minigames where you have to, you know, shove it up your ass"
Chad Wardenn

"Take [this/that] [noun]... SHIIIIIIIIINE it up reeeeeeal nice... turn that sumbitch sideways, and STICK IT STRAIGHT UP YOUR CANDY ASS!"

George: You want us to clean out your nose with this?
Fred: Or anywhere really, we're not fussy about where we stick it.

Peter: I should warn you, Leezak, I studied karate with a Chinese master.
Tom: Well I hope he showed you how to pull a fire poker OUTTA YOUR ASS!

"Just to make sure you don't call me, I'm gonna stick your phone where you'll have an awfully hard time dialing it!"

"You don't move and your head is going up his ass."
Hancock, who makes good on his threat.

"Hancock defeats people by putting them up other people's asses! That better happen in the new Dark Knight movie! The Joker will be like "I am going to kill everyone!" and Batman will be like "You are going inside an ass!" Bloo-bloo-bloo-bloo-splut! THE END!

"I'm gonna shove these fucking games up your ass!"

Medical student: What's the weirdest thing you've taken out of someone's rectum?
Dr. Carter: Um... bowling trophy.

Erron Black: Girls with guns, always hot.
Sonya Blade: I'll shove 'em up your ass and fire.
Erron Black: …almost always hot.

"Get out of my way or I'll break your sword in half and feed it to you at both ends."

When I've knocked you out with all my bab
I'm going to take your head and ram it up my butt!
(Your butt?) My butt! (Your butt!?) That's right, my butt! (Ugh!) My butt! (Ugh!) My BUUUUUUUUUUTT!
The Great Mighty Poo (with participation from Conker), Conker's Bad Fur Day

Kellogg: Nurse Graves?
Graves: Yes, Doctor?
Kellogg: Take Mister Lightbody immediately to the yogurt room and give him fifteen gallons.
Lightbody: Oh no, no! I can't eat fifteen gallons of yogurt.
Kellogg: Oh, it's not going in that end, Mr. Lightbody!

Captain Jack: Now, hold on, ladies! I don't want to have to shoot either one of you.
Trine-e: But you're unarmed!
Zu-zana: You're naked!
(Captain Jack produces a small hand weapon from literally out of nowhere)
Zu-zana: But... that's a Compact Laser Deluxe!
Trine-e: Where were you hiding that?!
Captain Jack: You really don't wanna know!
Doctor Who, Bad Wolf

Bain: Uh, what sort of noise are we listening for?
Vlad: The kind of noise you'd expect from a goat with five pounds of coke buried in its shitpipe!

Phelous: So, Critic, what do you want me to do with this movie?
The Nostalgia Critic: Stick it up your ass.
Phelous: Alright.
The Nostalgia Critic: And for everyone else watching, be sure to visit, so that you can not only get that DVD, but other DVDs, to stick up your ass!
Phelous: Really? You're just gonna start doing commercials in the middle of reviews now?
The Nostalgia Critic: Well, it was either that or another midroll.
Phelous and NC's joint review of Child's Play 2

Henchman 24: You're not a Venture brother. Who the hell are you?
Dermott: I'm Hank's friend.
Henchman 24: Yeah, I doubt that.
Dermott: Would you believe I'm Brock Samson's long-lost son?
Henchman 24: If that were true, I don't think I would have caught you so easily.
Dermott: I couldn't run because I got a lighter up my ass.
Henchman 24: Okay, now I believe you're Hank's friend.
The Venture Bros., "Tears of a Sea Cow"

Sparks: (when asked about his punishment in hell) Ass full of red hot coals.
Murphy: Ass full of red hot coals. Your, eh, entire ass? Just packed full of red hot coals?
Sparks: Right to the rim, baby.
Murphy: (sighs) You lucky bastard.
Sealab 2021, "The Policy"

Emet, Evolve

"Have you got ten dollars?"
"I do," he said quietly.
A long time after, I discovered that he had better than five hundred. He had brought it in with him. When they check you in at this hotel, one of the bellhops is obliged to bend you over and take a look up your works - but there are a lot of works and, not to put too fine a point on it, a man who is really determined can get a fairly large item quite a ways up them - far enough to be out of sight, unless the bellhop you happen to draw is in the mood to pull on a rubber glove and go prospecting.

I have a question, mother. Why does this chair have no seat?! And what... IS IN HIS ASS?!
Sterling Archer, Archer, "Lo Scandolo"

"Will It Fit?" is a trick question. It always fits!
Will It Fit? Host, The Cinema Snob review of Who Reamed Rosie Rabbit? Part Two

The human rectum is almost nightmarishly elastic. I had four Rubik's Cubes jammed up there one day on a bet with Brian Dennehy when a heroin-crazed Rodney Allen Rippy burst into my trailer and punched me right in the solar plexus. I shat out all four cubes and damned if they didn't emerge solved.
Patton Oswalt, doing an impression of Robert Evans

A fantastic benefit of being able to change one's shape is the ability to repurpose one's orifices for weapon storage. My flesh is both mutable and elastic, and thus my colon contains all kinds of shit. Actual shit, of course, but also other things that I can pull out of there when needed.
The Naughtiest Cherub, by Kevin Hearne

When the ace airman first arrived at No. 47 Squadron, one rogue had the temerity to suggest that the dusky, fine-featured fellow was a woman in disguise! But everyone agreed afterwards that no woman would beat a man senseless with a large cucumber, then shove his head up the rear end of a startled French cow.
Giggles Bags the Borg

Sittin’ there useless as two shits
Hey, turn around, bend over, I’ll show you
Where my shoe fits
Alexander Hamilton, Hamilton

"My axe, Gitsnik, is somewhere in dat pass. A bag of teef to the Orc dat finds it and 'ands it over. Any 'oo fink you're gonna keep it instead, well... you'll find my boot so far up yer arse, you'll be tasting squig-leather until yoo die - which will be straight after!"
Grimgor Ironhide, Total War: Warhammer

Guitar Guy: (having just been revived by the Nerd with the A-B-B-A code) I guess somebody needs a favor.
Nerd: Yeah, I need your beat a game.
GG: Let me guess...a shitty game?
Nerd: Yeah, a shitty game: Ikari Warriors.
GG: Yeah, I know that game.
Nerd: Oh, yeah?
GG: Yeah, I know what you could do with that game, too.
Nerd: Uh huh?
GG: Yeah, yeah. You take the game, and you take your ass cheeks as well, and you just open them up really wide, grease up the game and just take it and shove it up your ass!


On a dark moonless night, when he least suspects
We'll creep up behind him, so hard to detect
We'll bring out our anchor by the light of the stars
And shove it inside of his big fucking arse
Alestorm, "Fucked with an Anchor"

K. Rool: It's finally mine! The power...of the Crystal Titty! I will now insert it into my rrrectum, to absorb its natural energy...
Cranky Kong: ...That isn't how you use its power!
K. Rool: Oh! [stammering] Of course not! I was...only testing you!
K. Rool: Now how do I use it?
Klumph: Did you try sticking it in yo' butt?
K. Rool: N-no!! I didn't put it in my butt! [sniffs]
My foot will transform into a foot, with your ass wrapped around it.
The Soldier when he has the Shoestring Budget equipped, Team Fortress 2

"How'd you like me to put my boot up your ass... sideways?"

"They had to take him to the hospital. The kid had Dr. Zaius stuck halfway up his butt and they couldn't get it out!"

Would you put it in your mouth? No! Would you put it up your nose? No! Then don't stick it up your arse! A mucous membrane is a mucous membrane!

Luna Loud: "She brought a basketball with her to church? Where'd she even keep it? In her rectum?"
Luan Loud: "I guess then it'd be a buttsketball!"
— ''Peeking Through the Fourth Wall", "After Dark 3"

"I feel like someone's stuck a big club up my ass. And it hurts. I gotta figure out a way to get it outta there."
Captain Rohmer, Samurai Cop

"You get your ass out of my office or you'll have to go to surgery to get my foot out of it!"
Captain Rohmer, Samurai Cop

Professor: This is a chance for Fry to test out my experimental anti-pressure pill.
(he produces a large pill that's about the size of his hand)
Fry: I can't swallow that!
Professor: Well, then, good news. It's a suppository.
Futurama, "The Deep South"

"Shit, Bubba Ho-tep comes out of that creek bed, he's going to come out hungry and pissed. When I try to stop him he's going to shove this paint can up my ass and he's going to shove me and that wheelchair up Jack's ass."

"I'm going to mistrial my foot up your ass if you don't shut up!"
Frito, Idiocracy

Victim 1: Oh dear God!
Victim 2: My eyes!! I can't see my eyes!
Victim 3: Aaagh!
Victim 4: Noooo!
Victim 5: Eeek!
Victim 6: Somebodeee! Pull this churrito out of my ass!

Lieutenant Peters: You wanna play cop, join the department and get yourself a badge! Until then, stay out of my way!
Supergirl: You need a hint as to what you can do with your badge, Peters?
Supergirl (1982), issue #12

Scott: Since we are making ourselves perfectly clear, Bruno, let me tell you how it is. You're going to be polite and respectful to everyone going on this trip. You're also going to leave Bobby and me alone.
Bruno: Or?
Scott: Or I'm going to wipe the ground with you, punk. I'm tired of your insult throwing, bad attitude, delinquent wannabe, whiney-ass, momma's boy, country-music-reject, self, already. If you don't behave, I'm going to take the nearest blunt object, something close to the size of Warren, Hank, and their tents and stuff it up your largest body crevice. I don't like bullies and I won't tolerate them. Bullies tend to bring out the worst in me. Did I make myself perfectly clear to you Bruno?

Kizo: You came from a copy of Krypton. We came from the original.
Jax-Ur: You can take both Kryptons, and you know where you can put them.


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