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Quotes / Arson, Murder, and Jaywalking

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You are hypocritical, greedy, violent, malevolent, vengeful, cowardly, deadly, mendacious, meretricious, loathsome, despicable, belligerent, opportunistic, barratrous, contemptible, criminal, fascistic, bigoted, racist, sexist, avaricious, tasteless, idiotic, brain-damaged, imbecilic, insane, arrogant, deceitful, demented, lame, self-righteous, Byzantine, conspiratorial, satanic, fraudulent, libelous, bilious, splenetic, spastic, ignorant, clueless, illegitimate, harmful, destructive, dumb, evasive, double-talking, devious, revisionist, narrow, manipulative, paternalistic, fundamentalist, dogmatic, idolatrous, unethical, cultic, diseased, suppressive, controlling, restrictive, malignant, deceptive, dim, crazy, weird, dystopic, stifling, uncaring, plantigrade, grim, unsympathetic, jargon-spouting, censorious, secretive, aggressive, mind-numbing, abrasive, poisonous, flagrant, self-destructive, abusive, socially-retarded, puerile, clueless, and generally Not Good.
— The fabled "Ultimate Flame"
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    Anime and Manga 

We the people, who are dedicated to protecting and serving the common good, do charge you with trespassing, theft, violence, assault, illegal possession of firearms, and a really crappy attitude!
Prosecutor, Dead Leaves

Sayaka: Woah! We could wish for treasure, or eternal youth, or a 108-course banquet!
Madoka: Maybe that last one's a bit much...
Puella Magi Madoka Magica, discussing wishes.

    Comic Books 
First are the pits. My army of the undead, penned and waiting for command. They are unchained, unmastered, and without my totem, they will tear us apart.
Should we manage to pass through their lair, we will come to a room of eyes, which will see through every aspect of your mind, every little self-deception. You will hear whispers, whispers of your true self that will shatter your identity.
Then you come to the room of fire. A cleansing fire that erases your mind, so that you may never find the handle that may lead to your escape. There are things in the fire you would never want to find you, but they will.
Beyond that is the room of spirits. The souls of those I've rendered lifeless, screaming in agony, ready to teat the spirit out of your body.
Then you find yourself in the humans pens. The few who have even made it through the gates emerge soulless, lifeless, and I then sell them to the highest bidder. This is the most guarded room in all of Midnight, and the antechamber to my personal quarters.
And then, of course, I have a very sophisticated electronic alarm system on my loft.
— Papa Midnite describing his home's defenses, Hellblazer

    Fanfiction 
I love how every other sentence is about how Ron fails at something. He's a drunk! He hits his wife and kids! He's a rapist! He sleeps with whores! He's cheap! He kills birds! HE DOESN'T APPRECIATE CLASSICAL MUSIC!
[...]
I'm kind of disappointed that Ron didn't call Hermione a mudblood, turn out to be a Death Eater, molest children, engage in sexual acts with a pony, kill an endangered species, discourage his children from learning, litter, smoke, eat opium, take too many diet pills in order to cram for a big test, cheat at cards, cheat on his taxes, plagiarize, dip snuff, cross-dress, turn out to be gay, blackmail his gay lover, lead a religious cult, spread vicious rumors, sleep with Ginny, gamble, fail to recycle, have a porn addiction, join a Satanic church, and claim to "not get" Impressionism.
carey_pontmercy, on The Last War

"You did save my life once or twice. Even if you did sacrifice Elena in a ritual of fire and then kidnapped me, make me drink blood, torture people and take really long boring road trips to the middle of nowhere."
Stefan to Klaus, Ship of Fools

"For such insolence, I ougt to STRING YOU UP in the deepest, darkest part of THE NETHERREALM, where your body will turn itself INSIDE-OUT in UTTER TERROR, but you’ll still be ALIVE to hear the haunting music of THE DEVIL’S ORCHESTRA OF THE DAMNED! And you know the thing about the damned? They only know one song, AND THEY’RE REALLY BAD AT IT!"

"Normally, I would not condone any meddling between two separate realities. You never know what that sort of thing might lead to: injuries, death, the end of the universe as we know it, badly written teenage drama..."

"May the fetid stench of your breath become a Ferengi aphrodisiac, your bedchamber be infested with Cardassian voles on your wedding night, and your grandsons receive honorary degrees in landscape gardening!"
B'Elanna Torres, The Mate of the KuvaH'magh SoS

    Film — Animated 

His destructive programming is taking effect. He will be irresistibly drawn to large cities, where he will back up sewers, reverse street signs, and steal everyone's left shoe.
Jumba, Lilo & Stitch

Vince: We've done a lot of things we're not proud of...Robbing graves, plundering tombs, double-parking...But nobody ever got hurt. Well, maybe somebody got hurt ... but nobody we knew.

Dracula: …and then the monsters ran away and were forced into hiding, but Harry the human found them, and jumped out from under their beds!
Mavis: I'm scared!
Dracula: And burned their clothes! And bit their toes! And took their candy!
— Dracula reading Tales of Humans to Mavis in Hotel Transylvania

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    Film — Live-Action 

Nick: I'm such a sucker. Harken was never gonna promote me!
Kurt: That coked-up prick is gonna ruin Pellett Chemicals. He's just gonna fire everyone!
Dale: She stood there with her breasts right in my face!
Kurt: ...You know, yours doesn't sound that bad.

I object...that this guy also broke my apartment and shit. And you know what else? I object that he's not gonna have any money to pay me after he pays back all the money he stole from the hospital! And I object, I OBJECT that he interrupted me while I was watching "Ow! My Balls!" That is NOT okay!
Frito Pendejo, Idiocracy

We loved our daughter but she was evil. Made the horses crazy. Killed our puppies. Hid the remote. Really sick shit.
The Architect, Scary Movie 3

Reckless endangerment of human life...willful disregard for private property...failure to signal for a safe lane change...
Joe Friday during a high-speed chase, Dragnet

You shouldn't have killed my mother and squished my Walkman.

I couldn't see how anyone could claim to love children in the generic any more than anyone could credibly claim to love people in a sufficiently sweeping sense as to embrace Pol Pot, Don Rickles, and an upstairs neighbor who does 2,000 jumping jacks at three in the morning.

Dr Ray Stantz: Fire and brimstone coming down from the skies! Rivers and seas boiling!
Dr. Egon Spengler: Forty years of darkness! Earthquakes, volcanoes…
Winston Zeddemore: The dead rising from the grave!
Dr. Peter Venkman: Human sacrifice, dogs and cats living together … mass hysteria!

Oh, the things that I have missed, the Black Plague, the Spanish Inquisition, The Brady Bunch reunion.

A homeless guy came up to me and he said, "Excuse me. I am homeless. I am gay. I have AIDS. I'm new in town." You're gonna close with 'new in town'? That is not the most dramatic thing that you just said. Here's how I would have ordered those things. I would have said, "Excuse me, I'm new in town and it gets worse."
John Mulaney, New In Town

    Literature 

But let none of you suffer as a murderer, a thief, an evildoer, or as a busybody in other people's matters.
The Bible, 1 Peter 4:15 (New King James Version)

Holy water, a couple cloves of garlic, vials of salt, and iron filings filled the basket, intended to be door prizes for anything that showed up in an attempt to suck my blood, carry me off to faerieland, or sell me stale cookies.
Harry Dresden, inner monologuing in Death Masks

El Salvador at the time Doakes was there had been a true three-ring circus of torture, rape, murder, and name-calling. (And no one had thought to invite me.)
Dexter, Dearly Devoted Dexter

You're under arrest for murder, attempted murder, conspiracy to commit murder and, I dunno, possibly littering.
Skulduggery Pleasant, Skulduggery Pleasant

The Yeerks are a parasitic species. Like tapeworms or lice or certain gym coaches who think you can't play basketball just because you are somewhat not tall. But Yeerks don't crawl on top of your head like lice. They crawl inside your head. A slug slithers into your ear, oozes into your brain, flattens itself out, sinks into all the cracks in your brain, and from that point on, controls you. It can even force you to listen to Kenny G.
Animorphs - Megamorphs #2

His big claim to fame was that the Golden Fleece - that magical sheepskin rug I'm related to - ended up in his kingdom, which made the place immune to disease, invasion, stock market crashes, visits from Justin Bieber, and pretty much any other natural disaster.

[Hades] could even send the Furies after living people if they committed a truly horrific crime- like killing a family member, desecrating a temple, or singing Journey songs on karaoke night.

Kaz: Do you know what Van Eck's problem is?
Matthias: No honor?
Nina: Rotten parenting skills?
Jesper: Receding hairline?

    Live-Action TV 

Here are the rules of Judaism as I understand them. One, thou shalt not kill. Two, thou shalt not commit adultery. Three, don't eat pork.

If you take sexual advantage of her, you're going to burn in a very special level of hell. A level they reserve for child molesters and people who talk at the theater.
Book, Firefly

Newsman: Five o'clock, and all is well. Five o'clock, and all is well. Except that Maid Marion has been kidnapped, the sheriff's up to no good, that dog is stealing the cheese, Kermit's mad at Piggy, and it's really only 4:30.

Southern Nigeria isn't my favorite place in the world. It's unstable, it's corrupt, and the people there eat a lot of terrible-smelling preserved fish.
Michael Westen, Burn Notice

Tracy Jordan: If Wall St. crashes, it'll be the 1970s all over again. People will get mean, the streets won't be safe, it'll be graffiti everywhere, and the movies will only cost three dollars!
Larry King: Tracy Jordan - saying three serious things, and then a joke.

Joey: I'm not Drake!
Ross: That's right. He's not Drake. He's Hans Ramoray, Drake's Evil Twin!
Erika: Is this true?
Rachel: Yes, yes, it is true. And I know this because he pretended to be Drake to sleep with me! (throws glass of water in Joey's face)
Monica: And then he told me he would run away with me! And he didn't! (throws more water in Joey's face)
Chandler: And you let the toilet seat up, you bastard! (throws water in Joey's face)

Let me guess, my theories appall you, my heresies outrage you, I never answer letters, and you don't like my tie!
The Doctor, Doctor Who, "Ghost Light"

Danny Concannon: CJ, I'm not staying in the penalty box forever. I have covered the White House for eight years and I've done it with the New York Times, the Washington Post, Time Magazine, and the Dallas Morning News! And I'm telling you you can't mess me around like this!
C.J. Cregg: Danny, I gotta tell you, that was - seriously - that was a turn-on when you said that, though I don't know why you decided to be your most haughty on the Dallas Morning News in that sentence.

Amelia Folch: (watching Rabbi Levi's auto-da-fé in 1491) I don't understand how people enjoy these things.
Julián Martínez: The human being has always enjoyed other people's miseries. Otherwise there would have never been Roman circuses, autos-da-fé, gossip television shows...

You just summoned aliens back to Earth. Actual aliens. Deadly aliens. Aliens. Of death... And now you're taking your clothes off.
Rory, to the Eleventh Doctor, Doctor Who, "The Eleventh Hour"

Worker 1: I hear their folks were arsonists.
Worker 2: I hear they checked out library books and never returned them.
Worker 3: I hear they drank blood from the skulls of chupacabras.

"Unless I can figure out a compelling reason to keep you here, you will spend eternity with murderers, and arsonists, and people who take off their shoes and socks on commercial airlines."
Michael, The Good Place

    Newspaper Comics 

Andy: Jason, I told you two weeks ago that I didn't want Mortal Karnage II coming into this house. You have no one to blame but yourself.
Jason: But...but...
Andy: You're too young for this sort of thing. I mean, look at what it teaches: that human disembowelment is entertainment, that "winners" decapitate their enemies, that carnage is spelled with a "K".
Jason: I know carnage isn't spelled with a "K".
Andy: The sad part is, that's the least of my concerns.

Calvin: Mom, can I set fire to my bed mattress?
Mom: No, Calvin.
Calvin: Can I ride my tricycle on the roof?
Mom: No, Calvin.
Calvin: Then can I have a cookie?

    Professional Wrestling 

Vickie Guerrero: Well, who's on your list?
Christian: Well, for starters, Bret "The Hitman" Hart... The Mountie, he's huge in these parts... The Brooklyn Brawler... Jared, the Subway guy...
Vickie: Oh, please...
Christian: And Lester, the guy who loves chicken!
Vickie: ... Who's Lester?
Christian: Actually, I don't even know who Lester is, but he loves chicken!

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    Theatre 

Adolf Hitler: I started a war and killed millions of Jews!
Genghis Khan: I slaughtered the Chinese!
Jeffrey Dahmer: I stabbed a guy and fucked his corpse!
Johnnie Cochran: I got O.J. freed!
Book Of Mormon, "Spooky Mormon Hell Dream"

    Video Games 

Hacking through Horne's computer would have unearthed criminal plans, strategies for world domination, spy helicopter reports, illegal wire tap recordings, internet porno, all of the above. Take your pick.

You want my opinion, sir? This mission is FUBAR. We are up Shit Creek without a paddle. I miss my mommy.
Barney, Heart of Evil

The Yatagarasu sent a card saying, "I will be there to steal your dirtiest secret"... but all we've had is an arson and a murder! The lab boys are going in circles! You know what this is, sirs!? It's a breach of contract, and it's going on the rap sheet!
Dick Gumshoe, Ace Attorney Investigations

Here's all you need to know: I'm a werewolf. I like killing things. I love Astrid. I hate annoying people. And the color blue gives me a headache.

    Web Animation 

I'm Dr. Robotnik, I say what I want! I say pingas! I say pussy! I say butt! I say crud and sludge!

I'm gonna kill him, I'm gonna rape him, I'm gonna eat his fucking costume!

    Webcomics 

Look at that thing. It probably ate a puppy for breakfast right before it burned down an orphanage and talked loudly on a cell phone at a restaurant.
Dan Shive, El Goonish Shive, the rant on this page.

I bet they grow their hair into little horns, and they offer live sacrifices to appease their Naked Master. And they don't let you have a television in your room.
Robin, theorizing on the exact nature of Mike's parents in Shortpacked!

(Breaking Speech): I hate your kind of slave! A little stupid college girl who's trying to find her sexuality... An asshole cunt that thinks being a slave is just a little role-playing!!! The kind of bitch that thinks she can manipulate a man by giving him the kind of sex he likes. But above all, ... I HATE BLONDES!!!
Miss Orchid to Vanessa the blonde Sexy Secretary, Orchid Garden part II

You have chosen to report a crime in progress. For theft, burglary, vandalism, or loitering press 'one.' For assault, reckless endangerment, rioting, or telemarketing press 'two.' For attempted murder, murder, attempted suicide, suicide, attempted spam, or actual spam, press three.

    Web Original 

Whoa! Holy shit! We love the way the writer crammed in every scary word they could think of: rape, war, cancer, emphysema, respiratory distress, anemia, constipation, irritability, blindness, Canada.

In my time online I've been called "fag" approximately 104,165 times. I keep an Excel spreadsheet. I've also been called "asshole" and "cockweasel" and "fuckcamel" and "cuntwaffle" and "shitglutton" and "porksword" and "wangbasket" and "shitwhistle" and "thundercunt" and "fartminge" and "shitflannel" and "knobgoblin" and "boring."

Alex Jones-style, McKinney believes more or less every conspiracy theory she has encountered. A selection of claims McKinney has endorsed is that the US military shot and killed 5000 prisoners during Katrina and dumped their bodies, a multitude of 9/11 conspiracy theories (unsurprisingly), and that Jeb Bush was running a drug ring out of Columbia while he was governor of Florida. Conspiracy theories concerning famous assassinations endorsed by McKinney include believing that James Earl Ray did not kill Martin Luther King Jr., that Lee Harvey Oswald did not kill JFK, that Sirhan Sirhan did not kill Robert F. Kennedy, and — particularly vehemently — that Biggie did not kill Tupac.

The following weapons are not legal choices in a duel: Steamroller, Nerve Gas, Landmine, Midget.

In my younger days I was a cursing, drinking, smoking, gambling, child-molesting, thieving, murdering, bed-wetting bastard.

4chan is a blunderbuss. It's a giant cannon filled with fuckin screws, nails, bodyparts, shit and waifu.

"John McTiernan and his credited screenwriters Steven E. DeSouza and Jeb Stuart stuff every nook and cranny with beguiling little touches, such as … the way the long-haired Asian terrorist (Al Leong) steals a candy bar while waiting to ambush the tactical officer. (He glances around nervously before he does it; terrorism, theft, kidnapping and murder are no big deal, but he won’t be seen jacking sweets.)"

...these equine beauties are often vital to the hero’s quest, making it possible to reach hidden lands, slay hideous monsters, or just carry enough supplies for a month’s worth of second breakfasts.

ah yes, the three most historically important revolutions: russian, french, and dance dance
Tumblr post

Slavery
Marital abuse

    Web Video 

You got all your normal kinds of monster madness going on here in the background. Killer Plants, Spiders, Minotaurs, Tem—whoa. Tempura Shrimp? Ohhhhh. This is going to be one of THOSE days, isn't it?

WARNING: NOT SAFE FOR WORK. [This work contains] Murder, gore, sex, sexism, nudity, attempted rape, Brooklyn accents
Chip Cheezum's warning for Mad Bull 34

This is a little...psycho shrine where you collect pieces of things from people that you stalk. For instance, a band-aid from which you can get Hepatitis C, a toothbrush where you can get Gingivitis and an apple where you can get a healthy nutritious snack.

"Red lights, walking backwards, GIVE ME SOME MORE PRESSURE, I DON'T HAVE ENOUGH! YES! BIOHAZARD! PERFECT! THANK YOU! AAAHH, FALLING TO MY DEATH! TANK OF ACID, SUPERB! [annoyed] Sidestepping..."

Film Brain: So, in just under five minutes, this show has Wonder Woman violate the law, ignore basic rights, and the media aggrandizes her with references to the WORST torture scandal in US history.
Nash: And all without the slightest hint of irony or self-awareness.

    Western Animation 

Coop: Alright, you intergalactic snots! You busted up my car show!...
Jamie: Yeah!
Coop: You wrecked my friend's rides!...
Jamie: Yeah!
Coop: And you made me run half a block!
Jamie: Yeah-![Record Needle Scratch] Half a block?

Lincoln Sternn. You stand here accused of twelve counts of murder in the first degree, fourteen counts of armed theft of Federation Property, twenty two counts of piracy in high space, eighteen counts of fraud, thirty seven counts of rape...and one moving violation.
Prosecutor:, Heavy Metal

We've fought evil ninjas, evil robots, evil monsters... but cancelling my Saturday Morning Cartoons?! That's the evillest evil ever!
Michaelangelo, The Fight for the Fox Box

Impossible! You cannot defeat me! You are not worthy! You are inferior! And your joke stinks!

Killer Moth: If you don't want your city destroyed, you'll give in to my demands. The city will declare me ruler, the Titans will surrender, and Robin...will take this lovely young lady to her junior prom.

Bully: That’s 522 wallets, 391 purses, 912 gold coins, and a yo-yo!

I'm all alone! Adrift at sea! ...Without breakfast."
Owen, Total Drama

You smashed me into a limbless cloud, you trapped me in your bubble-dungeon, and you called me 'cute'!
Peridot, Steven Universe, "Catch and Release"

Perry the Platypus!? The Disintevaporator?! My golf clubs?! I don’t even play golf!
Dr. Doofenshmirtz upon realizing that he has accidentally brought his nemesis and his device that disintegrates things along with him. And his golf clubs, Phineas and Ferb

Mrs Cramp: Junk! Dirt! Rodeo Rita!note 

    Real Life 

If gays are granted rights, next we'll have to give rights to prostitutes and to people who sleep with St. Bernards and to nail biters.
Anita Bryant, scourge of Sodom

"Demarco Harris was found guilty of felony murder, armed robbery, and felony firearm and curfew violation."
Gabriel Falcon, "Fate of 12-year-old killer?" from AC360° on CNN.com

"...on Telephone Scatologia, Necrophilia, Zoophilia, Urophilia, Coprophilia, and Partialism... Partialism... characterized as sexually arousing fantasies, urges and sexual behaviors with an exclusive focus on part of the (human) body..."
The DSM Diagnostic Criteria for Paraphilia Not Otherwise Specified, MP Kafka

Grand Larceny: 4 points. We use this as a catchall for players being involved in crime so outrageous and well-planned it can only be described as 'nefarious', 'professional' or 'legislation'.
The scoring rules for the Fulmer Cup

That's how you recognize communists: they're insane, possessed by the devil, eat children, and what's more, they lack objectiveness.
— French humorist Pierre Desproges on communists.

The evil is in the White House at the present time. And that evil is a man who has no care and no concern for the working class of America and the future generations of America, and who likes to ride a horse.
— US House Speaker Tip O'Neill, on President Ronald Reagan.

WARNING: This program contains monsters, nudity, gorillas, violence and wrestlers!
— The disclaimer on the back of the DVD box for Something Weird Video's Extra Weird Sampler.

I’ve noticed a lot of cute little ghosts, goblins, and Taylor Swifts walking up and down my road.
— Disastercake, in the Halloween 2015 blog update

With one tweet, Trump can change headlines on cable news, move financial markets or cause world leaders to worry. With one tweet last week, Trump inflamed a conflict with China. With another tweet on Tuesday, Trump caused Boeing stock to plummet. With a third on Wednesday night, Trump prompted a series of threatening calls to the home of a union leader who had called him a liar.

I would say that a modernist in government is an anarchist and Bolshevik; in science he is an evolutionist; in business he is a Commmunist; in art a futurist; in music his name is jazz; and in religion an atheist and infidel
'M. E. Dodd of Louisiana, in Christian Index (1925)

There were of course catastrophic misjudgments, too: Rolling Stone infamously put one of the terrorists behind the Boston Marathon bombings on the cover in a glamour-boy pose...It also published a laughably, shockingly shoddy piece of journalism alleging to detail the case of a rape at the University of Virginia, a piece of non-journalism that turned out to be something much closer to pure fiction, one for which the magazine has already lost one defamation suit and has been obliged to settle with another party for more than $1 million. The damage to Rolling Stone’s bottom line could have been worse; the damage to its reputation could hardly have. The high-minded magazine also once fired a guy for writing a negative review of a Hootie and the Blowfish record. Rank those transgressions as you will.
Kevin Williamson of National Review Online, on Rolling Stone

The cases against Muhammad Morsi, now in their sixth year, long ago took on the air of a Kafka novel. Every few weeks Egypt’s only democratically elected president, deposed in a coup in 2013, would appear in court to answer one charge or another. He was accused of espionage and torture, and of stealing livestock.

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