Oh my god, Stan has no friends and he doesn't even realize it. He's like America: The Guy!
— Roger
For the second time my life has been saved by hip hop. But that's another story.
— Stan Smith, Finances With Wolves
Ugh, this speech is completely out of character for Stan. The network insisted that Stan "learn a lesson" so we had to add this sappy ending. It's... It's very disappointing.
— Klaus, Bullocks to Stan
Stan: Francine, we can’t do this in the house of the Lord. This is wrong.
Francine: Then I’ve been naughty and you'll have to put a big piece of coal in my stocking.
Stan: Damn your clumsy Christmas-sex metaphors! [Amorously grabs Francine]
"Hey, all I was trying to do was keep my country and my family safe!"
— Stan Smith, Homeland Insecurity
"...And, just like that I'm gay."
—Klaus, after being inadvertently flashed by an obese, ugly woman.
Michelle: Actually, you get smaller and cuter every time you win a case.
Stan: Oh my god, we're doomed! Look at him, he's cuter than a puppy and a kitten trying to get in the same slipper!
—Stan, getting a trial in heaven.
Stan: That man just rode me like an animal for three hours. Do you have any idea how that feels?
Haley: (raises an eyebrow)
Stan: And now I'm not hungry anymore.
"Some say that was the end of Klaus' story. Some say it was just the beginning. No one ever says it was the middle."
—A Narrator, after Klaus enters a castle in a hotel fish tank.
Roger: Best buddies?! Can I be your best buddy?
Stan: How do I hang an air freshener on this? 'You are a total waste of space. I often dream of killing you.' Ahhhh, mountain pine."
Stan: Well, that's our show! If you want to know more about torture, follow an immigrant into your local police station.
