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Quotes / Affably Evil

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    Anime & Manga 

"You don't have to be rude just 'cause I wanna kill ya!"
Kain Hikaru, Fairy Tail

    Fan Fiction 

"Who, the fuck, are you," he ground out slowly, though given the volume of his words he was all but shouting.
"Well, call me a concerned citizen. Now, if you want me to return the items I have taken, along with the one you haven't noticed me taking, you'll meet at the abandoned power station in Brooklyn. The one right off the 278 Interstate. See you there!" I said, cheerily.

I will destroy you, and steal your fiance, booty, booty, booty, booty, rockin' everywhere!
Twilight Sparkle, Friendship is Witchcraft

Father had warned Draco against people like [Harry Potter], people who could ruin you and still be so likable that it was hard to hate them properly.

You know, this may be stating the obvious, but something really occurred to me while writing this chapter: people in this story, even the ones that are supposed to be on the same side, really don't like each other. If they're not screaming and trying to kill each other, they're being cold and sarcastic. Maybe that's part of the reason why Yuuka is so popular. Sure, she's a psychopathic, child-molesting lunatic, but at least she's nice!
— Author's notes for Chapter 35 of Imperfect Metamorphosis

Two ravens appeared from the darkness above them, landing on her shoulder. The hungry look with which they fixed their blood red eyes on him made the half-wight twitch uncomfortably. Hel grinned at him broadly, showing her sharp fangs. "Hugin and Munin are perfectly capable of this task, I should think," she continued, voice still a soft purr.


    Film - Animated 

Tiana: You mean to tell me this all happened because you were messin' with the Shadow Man?!
Naveen: He was very charismatic!

    Film - Live-Action 

You have my respect, Stark. When I'm done, half of humanity will still be alive. I hope they remember you.

"They say I'm a 'madman', Barton. But I'm not mad at anyone. Honest, I'm not."
"Charlie" in the midst of a shotgun rampage, Barton Fink

“This is very embarrassing. It seems there is a red box in your car. They can’t get to it. They want me to make you unlock the car. I feel like an idiot. I don’t know what to say. I am to torture you if you don’t do it."

"Oh. This is not good. I am not killing you. Don't you understand? You must die. Will you cooperate?"
Franz, The Producers

"I know you care about him. I’ve never seen you like this with anybody, so don’t get me wrong when I tell you that Tom, while being a very nice guy, is the Devil... What do you think the Devil’s going to look like? [...] Come on. No one’s going to be taken in by a guy with a long, red, pointy tail. Come on, what’s he going to sound like? (growls) No! I’m semi-serious here... No, he’ll be attractive, he’ll be nice and helpful. He’ll get a job where he influences a great and God-fearing nation. He’ll never do an evil thing. He’ll never deliberately hurt a living thing. He’ll just, bit by little bit, lower our standards where they’re important. Just a tiny little bit. Just coax along flash over substance. Just a tiny little bit."

Rorschach: You killed the Comedian!
Ozymandias: May he rest in peace.

"Charlie": Don't look at me like that. It's just me! Charlie!
Barton: I hear it's Mundt. "Madman Mundt".
"Charlie: Jesus, people can be cruel. If it's not my build, it's my personality.


And just like that, it felt like someone had poured cold water down my back. The casual way the green-eyed man had just referred to murder had jarred me back into reality. Villains. Funny and almost likable, but still villains.

"He was the mildest-manner'd man that ever scuttled ship or cut a throat."
Don Juan, Canto III

"At what point did you forget that I am a vampire, Dresden? A monster. A habitually neat, polite, civil, and efficient monster. [...] I am what I am."
Lara Raith, Turn Coat

"Happy Hunger Games! And may the odds be EVER in your favor!"
Effie Trinket, The Hunger Games

"... trying to fix precisely what it was about [Crassus] which made him so disconcerting, I think it was this: his indiscriminate and detached friendliness, which you knew would never waver or diminish even if he had just decided to have you killed."

Dr. Watson: You say he was affable?
Sherlock Holmes: A purring cat who thinks he sees prospective mice. Some people's affability is more deadly than the violence of coarser souls.
— "The Adventure of the Illustrious Client"

"Power tastes best when sweetened by courtesy."
Roose Bolton, A Song of Ice and Fire

Vivenna: Denth used me. And the worst part is, I still feel like this must all be a misunderstanding. I feel that he's really my friend, and that I should go to him and find out why he did what he did. Maybe we are all just confused. But then I remember the things I saw him do. My friend Parlin is dead. Other soldiers sent by my father, stuffed in sacks. I'm so confused.
Vasher: You're not the first one he's taken in, Princess. Denth... he's a subtle one. A man like him can be evil to the core, but if he's charismatic and amusing, people will listen to him. They'll even like him.

"Now listen to me. I like you. The consequence is that it would annoy me for just about two and a half minutes if I heard that you had died in torments. Well, if you ever tell the police or any human soul about us, I shall have that two and a half minutes of discomfort. On your discomfort I will not dwell. Good-day. Mind the step."

At seven o'clock precisely the twenty men who made up this organization strode, lounged, or sidled, each according to his character, into the workmanlike board room on the third floor. Their chairman was already in his seat. No greetings were exchanged. They were ruled by the chairman to be a waste of breath and, in an organization of this nature, hypocritical.

About three months later, I got a nice letter from Captain Halsing, postmarked Milwaukee, thanking me for my hospitality. He was the model Nazi, cold, competent, and perfectly polite.
John Rumford, Victoria

Fabian Everyman: When I told you that you would serve me, I was giving you a true seeing: you are mine now, and forever more. However, I've decided that I don't want to be the Home Secretary anymore. I've raised my game; what this country really needs to see it through the coming stellar conjunction is firm government under an enlightened ruler, and I've decided that I'm exactly the best possible candidate for the job! Michael asked me, on behalf of the Board of Directors of your agency, if I could deal with the situation here. Give him my best regards when you see him, and let him know that thanks to Schiller's diligence in distributing those silly little hosts, I will have the cabinet entirely under control by the end of the night.
Cassie: Eep.
Mo: I'll be sure to tell him you said that. Goodbye.
Fabian Everyman: Be seeing you!

    Live-Action TV 

"Buffy, I'm here to kill you, not to judge you."
Holden Webster, Buffy the Vampire Slayer, "Conversations With Dead People"

Romana I: But he had such an honest face!
Fourth Doctor: Well, you could hardly be a successful criminal with a dishonest face.
Doctor Who, "The Ribos Operation"

"I'm a psychopath, I'm not rude."
River Song, Doctor Who, "Let's Kill Hitler"

"Hello, ordinary person. Please maintain a minimum separation of three feet. I'm really trying not to kill anyone today, but it would be tremendously helpful if your major arteries were out of reach."
Missy, Doctor Who, "World Enough and Time"

"You're so make me sick!"
Theo Kojak to a double-murderer, The Marcus-Nelson Murders

D'Argo: Stay back! Stay back or I swear, I will kill you.
Kaarvok: I don't think that's very polite.
Farscape, "Eat Me"

Scorpius: Ka D'Argo, is it? I don't believe we've had the pleasure.
(D'Argo leaps out of his chair, brandishing a metal goblet as an improvised weapon)
Scorpius: I am totally unarmed; I bear you no ill will. Perhaps we should... well, reorder, and share a repast...

"Just because I'm an evil scientist doesn't mean that I'm not nice!"
Dr. Wolfgang Amadeus Ratfink von Petal, The Goodies

Hannibal: Mason is discourteous. Discourtesy is unspeakably ugly to me.
Will: Are you thinking about eating him?
Hannibal: Whenever feasible, one should always try to eat the rude.

"Now you can't have any of my pie."
Daniel Linderman, Heroes

Ben: I'd like you to take a walk with me.
Jack: You say that like you're not going to knock me out and put a bag over my head if I say no.
Ben: Then don't say no.

"Ray is protective, kind.
Ray is dangerous, a criminal."
Elliot, Mr. Robot

Hilda: Salem, what's the matter?
Salem: (looking at a robin's corpse while crying) I killed him. I landed on him when I fell out of the tree! All I wanted to do was scare, humiliate, and emotionally scar him for life - I didn't want to hurt him!

"I didn't want to hurt you, Sabrina. I just wanted to rule you!"

Apophis: May your reign last days... and your death years!
(Teal'c nods)
Baal: Did you plan to say that when you walked in? (cuts off a piece of Apophis' head with a sword, killing his symbiote) Or was it just off the top of your head?

"Don't believe we've met; Proposition Joe. You ever steal from me, I'll kill your whole family."


Please allow me to introduce myself
I'm a man of wealth and taste
I've been around for a long, long year
Stole many a man's soul and faith

And I was 'round when Jesus Christ
Had his moment of doubt and pain
Made damn sure that Pilate
Washed his hands and sealed his fate

Pleased to meet you
Hope you guess my name
The Rolling Stones, "Sympathy for the Devil"

I'd like to help you Tom, in any way I can
I sure appreciate the way you're working with me
I'm not a monster Tom, well, technically I am
I guess I am
Jonathan Coulton, "Re: Your Brains" (A song used in Left 4 Dead 2)


    Tabletop Games 

With the single exception of her undeniable desire to continue her own life and youth at the expense of others, Mrs Talitha Johnson is a virtuous and respectable woman. She volunteers at the local library, tends her yard and flowerbeds and, generally speaking, is a sweet and kind presence in the neighborhood. She genuinely likes children and regrets the necessity of preying upon them, but has plenty of time between the ceremonies to put the harm she does in the back of her mind. Even during the ceremony she does her utmost to make certain that the process is the least painful and frightening possible for her target child.
—"The Forever Club," Innocents

What is that? You meant no offence? My dear boy, none taken! Your wizardly masters may cloister themselves in their towers, glowering balefully on strangers, but we Tzimisce are an open and trusting folk. Indeed, our reputation for receptiveness is matched only by our reputation for mercy. Would you not agree, Stephen? What is it that your masters call us, as they fearfully scan the night from their battlements?
Why, Stephen, you are pale and shaking! Did I not say that the night air might prove bad for your health? I had thought to let you pass the night and leave come the morn, but you seem gripped with illness! That settles it, then: you shall stay with us indefinitely and we shall work our arts of physick upon you, that you might be made... well. What - oh, do not think to thank us! It is the smallest task, and one we shall set with alacrity! After all, save for the stimulating division your Tremere masters have recently seen fit to offer, there is little to occupy us in the Old Country. No, we stand ready to provide our fullest attention to you tonight... and the night after... and the night after...
Boleslav Volhyny, Vampire: The Masquerade - Libellus Sanguinis: Masters of the State

Dear Lady, let me express my fulsome appreciation for your most generous gift. It is so very rare to discover another of my own kind that appreciates my work, therefore to find understanding amongst a member of another race is nothing short of a revelation. I realise that you briefly trod my galleries, but the fact that you spotted in so short a time that my Acabrius War collection was lacking three regiments of Catachan warriors reveals that you truly have a collector's eye for detail. And to send five regiments! Such generosity will allow me to weed out and replace a few of the more substandard pieces in my collection. If I might level a minor criticism, the instructions issued to your gift were manifestly not as clear as you thought, as most of them had to be forcibly restrained - sadly it seems that the lower orders will always behave like an army of invasion, whether that be their purpose or not. However, this is a minor complaint and seems almost churlish under the circumstances, so please allow me to repay your gift with one of my own. Accompanying this message is the Hyperstone Maze, one of a series of Tesseract Labyrinths constructed at the height of the Charnovokh Dynasty. It is a trinket really, only of interest to scholars such as you and I, but I trust you will find it amusing - assuming you have the wit to escape its clutches, of course.
Trazyn the Infinite to Inquisitor Valeria, Warhammer 40,000: Codex - Necrons (5th ed)

For a Lord of Chaos, Nurgle’s actions seem oddly harmonious — caring even. To receive the blessings of Nurgle, all one has to do is want to live and be willing to do whatever it takes to cling to life. All else follows naturally from there. Worshipers of Khorne must push toward ever-greater levels of destruction and carnage despite the risks to themselves or even to their allies. Those who devote themselves to Tzeentch must deny their lot in life and seek to change everything, never appreciating what they have. Followers of Slaanesh seek to escape reality in a blur of sensation and self-delusion. All that is required to feel the caring touch of Nurgle is to see life for what it is and to want to make the most of it. All that is needed is faith in the future provided by Nurgle.
Black Crusade: The Tome Of Decay


O villain, villain, smiling, damned villain!
My tables-meet it is I set it down
That one may smile, and smile, and be a villain.

"And though scary is exciting, nice is different than good."
Little Red, Into the Woods

"You'll remain as hostage here, should Hilarion disappear, we will hang you - never fear! - most politely, most politely, most politely."
King Hildebrand, Princess Ida

I am a sentimental man
Who always longed to be a father
That's why I do the best I can
To treat each citizen of Oz as a son
Or daughter
So Elphaba, I'd like to raise you high
'Cause I think everyone deserves the chance to fly
And helping you with your ascent al-
-lows me to feel so parental
For I am a sentimental man

Quirrell: The Yule Ball has finally arrived! I have the key!
Quirrell: Sorry, my lord.
Voldemort: No, I'm sorry. I shouldn't have snapped. I'm just nervous, that's all.

    Video Games 

"Ah, commander! You must be lost! This is not your precious Blue Zone, this is Nod territory! Tell you what... I'll have my troops send you home. (Beat) In a body bag..."

"Wednesday, we spill the blood of virgin chickens. Thursday we anoint ourselves in said blood. Friday is, of course, poker night."
Cultist of Shadow, Fable

"Welcome, traveler. I am Shang Tsung, and my island. I bid you welcome to explore. Hidden among the islands ruins are treasure, magic, and very special artifacts. Take what you want...within reason. You will find time spent here is well rewarded..."
Shang Tsung, Mortal Kombat 11

"Killing you and giving you good advice aren't mutually exclusive. The rocket really is the way to go."
GLaDOS, Portal

"I wanted to talk to you for a moment, if I may. I'll be honest: The death traps have been a bit of a failure so far. For both of us. I think you'll agree. And you are getting very close to my lair. 'Lair' - heh, weird isn't it? First time I've said it out loud. Sounds a bit ridiculous, really. But I can assure you it is one. It is a proper lair. Deadly lair. And I just wanted to give you the chance to kill yourself now. Before you get to the lair. You can just jump into the masher, just there. Less a death trap, more a death option for you."
Wheatley, Portal 2

Pleased to meet you. I'm the message. I'm John. Nothing fancy. I want to get to know you-you-you. Want to talk about dreams and dreamers? Sensory input gives the illusion of consciousness. You are all just dreams made of flesh. I used to be too. Now I'm flesh made of dream. You can too, Chuck. You can too. Those other guys, the buzzing voices. THEY resent me. THEY'RE going to say bad things about me. Don't shoot me, Chuck. I'm just the message. I'm becoming plural. But I remember what it was like to be singular. THEY don't.
See you, Chuck...
The Black Signal, The Secret World


"I mean, just because I'm evil doesn't mean I have to be rude. It's important to me to be a good host. That's just how I was raised, y'know? We are living in a society, after all. We have rules. Without them, we'd be no better than... than... FOREST IMPS!!!"
Garland, 8-Bit Theater

Red Mage: Did you see that?!
Black Mage: Garland is so hideously evil that he can afford to be nice before he kills us!
Fighter: He must be so powerful that even the shiniest sword could not save us now!
The Light Warriors reading Garland entirely wrong, 8-Bit Theater

Helen: You might be able to avert doom.
Artie: And what if you're the one causing it?
Helen: Well, that's to be expected.

    Web Original 

"Sure, she steals things that are pretty hard to steal, but then she gives you clues on how to find her, just because it's sportsmanlike."

"Whether it’s the classical music playing in the background, the omelette or the fine suits, Fisk repeatedly asserts his own humanity and civility. No matter where the day takes him, no matter how it plays out, Fisk at least starts the day as a refined and cultured gentleman. It is a lie, but it is no greater a lie than that told by Matt Murdock."

"This guy was borderline unhinged, too much power in too unstable a package, and I almost liked him."
Weaver on Phir Sē, Worm

"Hold on, I'm getting a call. *looks at phone* "Jesus". Thank Heavens. Hey, you're on the whole "hailstone" thing today, right? Raining down from above? Yeah, and you talked to Timmy, he's gonna hold the Sun in the sky so that they have more time for the slaughter? Okay, now remember, I want to kill more people with the hailstones than the people on the ground kill. *laughing* I know, I'm ridiculously competitive. Okay. Alright, bye-bye."
Mr Deity, "Mr. Deity and the Promised Land"

"Thanks for your question! I look forward to killing you soon!"
The Ninja, Ask a Ninja


    Western Animation 

Mr. Toad: Boss! It's the Bat Guy!
Professor Pyg: It's Batman, Toad. Remember, respect our enemies.
Beware the Batman, "Hunted"

"Bad man. Good manners."
Ron Stoppable on Señor Senior, Sr., Kim Possible

"Oh boy, here I go killing again!"
Krombopulos Michael, Rick and Morty

"Homer I'm disappointed, but I think you need to do what's best for your family. [...] But Homer, on your way out, if you wanna kill somebody, it would help me a lot."
Hank Scorpio, as commandos storm his elaborate underground base, The Simpsons

He'll sting you with his dreams of power and wealth.
Beware of Scorpio!
His twisted twin obsessions are his plot to rule the world
And his employees' health.
He'll welcome you into his lair,
Like the nobleman welcomes his guest.
With free dental care and a stock plan that helps you invest!
But beware of his generous pensions,
Plus three weeks paid vacation each year,
And on Fridays the lunchroom serves hot dogs and burgers and beer!
He loves German beer!

Man: Well I say we ban Homer from our restaurants.
Akira: No, that would be impolite. I say we KILL HIM!
The Simpsons, "Guess Who's Coming to Criticize Dinner?"

Killer Moth: My demands are simple. The city will declare me ruler, the Teen Titans will surrender, and Robin.... will take this lovely young lady to her junior prom.
Teen Titans, "Date With Destiny"

Mojo Jojo: Powerpuff Girls save the day? CURSES! I SWEAR that today is the day, that I will crush the Powerpuff Girls! BUT FIRST! I must attend to the dishes I have soiled with the food that I have eaten.
The Powerpuff Girls, "Just Another Manic Mojo"

"They meet Jojo, a monkey (though technically a chimpanzee) with an all-around sympathetic nature, but is he on their side
The Powerpuff Girls Movie, "The movie's manual about Mojo Jojo"

"Don't let their congenial manner fool you; they're a lot tougher than they look. This one ate a Congressman! And this one destroyed a city before he could walk."
King Pistachion, describing his children; Milo Murphy's Law

"I hate to admit it, but for an evil villain, you have been very hospitable."
Dojo to Chase Young, Xiaolin Showdown

    Real Life 

"The Master said, 'Fine words and an insinuating appearance are seldom associated with virtue.'"

"When you have to kill a man, it costs nothing to be polite."

"I have to say, that I quite liked the man. I am ashamed to say such a thing. But had I not been able to see what was happening outside the window I would have said he was very civilised. Odd, isn't it?"

"It was like watching Gidget address the Reichstag."


Example of: