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"Everyone jokes about how Leonardo DiCaprio is the Susan Lucci of the Oscars, and how he probably had his basement made up to look like the stage of the Dolby Theater so that when he’s feeling down he can pretend to accept an Academy Award while the 18-year-old models he’s going to fuck later sit naked in the audience. Leo is so hard up for Oscar that every now and again he makes one of his tricks-of-the-moment paint herself up like a gold Oscar statue before they get it on. And yes, he cries afterward when he realizes he might never ever have his own real-life Oscar statue. I figured that Leonardo would eventually stop fucking around and hire a screenwriter to write a 3-hour-long movie about an anorexic, paraplegic, blind man with Tourette’s who was an undercover agent against the Nazis during World War II. Leo didn’t do that, but instead he’s coming for that Oscar by playing ALL the roles in one movie."
Michael K., "Leonardo DiCaprio Is Really Coming For That Oscar"

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Travis McElroy as MAGNUS BURNSIDES
Clint McElroy as MERLE HIGHCHURCH
Justin McElroy as TAAKO, you know, from TV
Griffin McElroy as LITERALLY EVERYONE ELSE

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