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Quotes / A Date with Rosie Palms

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Shinji: “We’re both in unexplored territory, Asuka. You don’t... have to tell me anything. What we’re doing right now is more than I could have done anything but dream about a week ago.”
Asuka: “Dream about, hmm?”
Shinji: “Ahh... let me put it this way; there were a few nights in Boston where I didn’t fall asleep thinking of you.”
Asuka: “Pervert. What happened to ‘I know that ship has sailed’?”
Shinji: “I’d just kind of given up hoping. Not thinking.”

Satsuki: "Yeah. They're definitely getting it on, Nonon....... Which makes me a little jealous."
Junketsu: "That explains why I catch you pleasuring yourself at night at least once a week."
Satsuki: "Just one of the few downsides of being a single woman, Junketsu."
—>—Maim de Maim, Chapter 17

Kyonko: Maybe tossing one off would be the quickest way [to get rid of a Raging Stiffie] too. Before you came to school maybe... and if it's urgent, your hands are there in the school toilet, too.
Mitsuru: Tossing... off?
Kyonko: (flustered) Yes... um... However, if you do it too much, due to male hormones, there will be problems with bad skin and body hair and things like that.
Mitsuru: Um... sorry, Kyon-chan. Tossing off, what in the world... is that?
(Beat Panel, Beat Panel)
Kyonko: The alchemy that sacrifices several hundred million lives to give birth to one moment of pleasure... it's like a requiem in hell after the crows of all the worlds were killed!
— "Tea of Sagittarius," a Suzumiya Haruhi no Seitenkan doujin


     Film - Animated 

Beavis: Hey, doesn't Tom Anderson live on this street?
Butt-Head: Uh, yeah.
Beavis: 'Cause, um... I just need to stop by his toolshed for a couple minutes. You know what I'm saying?
Butt-Head: Tool.
Beavis: Boioioioioioioing!

Tom Anderson: Pull your damn pants up, boy! I don't wanna see that! Damn it, get out of here! And if I ever catch you whacking in here again, I'm gonna hog-tie you!

     Film - Live-Action 

Look at me, jerking off in the shower. This will be the high point of my day... it's all downhill from here
Lester Burnham, American Beauty

Hey, don't knock masturbation. It's sex with someone I love.
Alvy Singer, Annie Hall

I'm going to put you in the corner now while I strum my filthies.
Prince Thadeous, Your Highness

Everyone's asleep, and here's lonely old Dupree just wailing away on himself!
Randolph Dupree, You, Me and Dupree

You choke the chicken before any big date, don't you? Tell me you spank the monkey before any big date. Oh my God, he doesn't flog the dolphin before a big date. Are you crazy? That's like going out there with a loaded gun! Of course that's why you're nervous.

I don't know exactly what masturbation is, or how it works, but I guess it probably feels a lot like: the wind in your hair, or driving really fast in a car, taking a bite out of your favorite food, or dancing with your friends, or singing your favorite song, or riding the bus, or looking out of windows. And why would you ever say no to that?
Manny, Swiss Army Man


The boys and girls are one tonight.
They unbutton blouses. They unzip flies.
They take off shoes. They turn off the light.
The glimmering creatures are full of lies.
They are eating each other. They are overfed.
At night, alone, I marry the bed.
Anne Sexton, "The Ballad of the Lonely Masturbator"

He's an asshole. All he does is sit in his room and jerk off. He's probably gone nearsighted.
Janet, Tithe

I would argue that masturbation is the human animal's most important adaptation. The very cornerstone of our technological civilization. Our hands evolved to grip tools, all right - including our own. You see, thinkers, inventors, and scientists are usually geeks, and geeks have a hard time getting laid than anyone. Without the built-in sexual release valve provided by masturbation, it's doubtful that early humans would have ever mastered the secrets of fire or discovered the wheel. And you can bet that Galileo, Newton, and Einstein never would have made their discoveries if they hadn't first be able to clear their heads by slapping the salami (or "knocking a few protons off the old hydrogen atom"). The same goes for Marie Curie. Before she discovered radium, you can be certain she first discovered the little man in the canoe.
— Anorak's Almanac 241:87, Ready Player One

Maureen: (over the phone) So, Brian, since you can't be with me tonight, what do you plan to do, cruise a couple of bars?
Brian: No, I'm too tired, it'll just be mother thumb and her four daughters.

     Live-Action TV 

Savor this alone time, but do not whack too much. We need you to conserve your O2.
Starbuck, Battlestar Galactica

Richard: The Sistine Chapel is art. If they said anything they would have said "Blimey! Nice painting Mr. Angelo. Now that's what I call art, and it's not porny at all!"
Eddie: It bloody well is dirty you know. There's those three birds on the top of the third pillar from the left with the blue ribbon. Corr - some of the things they're doing would make your nose bleed! There's a picture of it in that history of art book, where is it?
Richard: (nervous) Oh, well, let's not bother with all that now Eddie, let's just have dinner...
Eddie: Here it is, in your study area. (opens it) That's odd; it's fallen open at the exact page. (re-opens it ) Extraordinary, it's done it again!
Richard: Yes, well, I've been studying that picture.
Eddie: Been, uh, "studying" it quite a lot, have you? (Sotto voce) While you were alone in the house?
Richard: How dare you accuse me of masturbating.
Eddie: Who said anything about masturbating?
Richard: You did! Just then!
Eddie: I did not. I just said it's odd how it always falls open at that precise page.
Richard: Yes you did! And the reason you said that is because you know that's the picture I always look at when I'm having a wuh- (realizes what he's saying)

You got me sacked. And now, I have to yank meself off around the clock because I can't get any proper sex with girls!
Pat Mustard, Father Ted

When I was twelve, I milked my eel into a pot of turtle stew. I flogged the one-eyed snake, I skinned my sausage, I made the bald man cry! ...Into the turtle stew, which my sister ate. At least, I hope she did.
Tyrion Lannister, Game of Thrones

Well, if it isn't Casanova, the man who seduced himself.

Alright, listen closely. I'm not going to beat around the bush. Ha ha ha. Your little body's changing - it's all good, believe me. Problem now is... every time we jerk the gerkin, we get a lot of unwanted sticky white stuff everywhere, right? Right. So... First order of business - no more socks. They're expensive, gumming up the works plumbing-wise. Now you might be thinking to yourself, "But, Uncle Andy, what do I do with all that pearl jam if I can't spew it into Mr. Sock?" Glad you asked... You can have a lovely time tugging the tiger in the shower each morning - that eliminates the need for a goo glove. But, the day is long, masturbation's fun, so unless we want to take 4 or 5 showers every day, we're gonna need some other options. So let's start with the basics. Tissues. Perfectly acceptable backstop for all that Creamy Italian. They can be rough and dry on such soft, sensitive skin and it can stick to your dick head like a fuckin' band-aid - ouch. From there we move on to more lubricated flack-catchers - specificially, bananas. Step one: Peel the banana. Step two: Slip the peel over your Randy Johnson and start pitching. Now for extra credit, warm up the peel in the microwave. Not too hot! Serious yowza. Also, olive oil, moisturizer, honey, spit, butter, hair conditioner, and Vaseline can all be used for lube. In my opinion, the best lube... is lube. So save your allowance and invest in some soon. Alright, moving on - when you tug your Thomas on the toilet - ffft - shoot right into the bowl. In bed - soft t-shirt, perhaps a downy hand towel of your very own that you don't mind tossing after tossing. There's no such thing as polishing the raised scepter of love too much. It reduces stress, it enhances immune function. Also, practice makes perfect. So work on your control now, while you're a solo artist - you'll be playing some long, happy duets in the future. Okay - class dismissed.
Andy Botwin, Weeds

None of that was real? You mean after all this, I still haven't got a date?? Damn! Another year when I have to send a Valentine's card to my hand!
The Cat, Red Dwarf

Howard: Ooh, looks like I'm gonna have sex tonight.
Penny: His right hand is calling him?

Raj: You slipped and fell into a robot hand?
Howard: ...yes.
Raj: Penis first?
Howard: Yes, now help me!
Leonard: I'd suggest a lubricant, but I have a feeling you fell on some of that as well.


I stroke it to the east
And I stroke it to the west
And I stroke it to the woman
That I love the best''
Clarence Carter, "Strokin'"

And when my hand touches myself
I can finally rest my head
and when they say "take of his body"
I think I'll take from mine instead
Tori Amos, "Icicle"

Why bother dating
It's so frustrating
Stay home and touch yourself
You can save lots of money
And you can call yourself "honey"
At night when you touch yourself.
Barnes & Barnes, "Touch Yourself"

My Weena is lonely tonight.
She always cries when I turn off the light.
She's only happy when I'm holdin' her tight!
Oh my Weena...
Take a look at my Weena.
Bowling for Soup, "My Weena"

Sneaking in the back door with dirty magazines
now your mother wants to know what are all those stains on your jeans.
Buzzcocks, "Orgasm Addict"

I don't want anybody else
When I think about you, I touch myself
Divinyls, "I Touch Myself"

I am as vain as I allow
I do my hair, I gloss my eyes
I touch myself all through the night
Lady Gaga, "So Happy I Could Die"

...and in the words of the immortal Francois de la Brioskee, "everybody bops."
Cyndi Lauper, "She-Bop"

Get a grip on yourself, you know you should
I got a grip on myself and it feels good
Get a grip on yourself, take my advice
I got a grip on myself and it feels nice
Semisonic, "Get a Grip"

Moderation is masturbation
What is what and what makes me feel goo'
All these things I think about, I think about
Always come unglued
Stone Temple Pilots, "Unglued"

Now I'm stranded all alone in the gas station of love, and I have to use the "self service" pump...
"Weird Al" Yankovic, "One More Minute"

Pictures of Lily made my life so wonderful
Pictures of Lily helped me sleep at night
Pictures of Lily solved my childhood problems
Pictures of Lily helped me feel alright
The Who, "Pictures of Lily"

I'll take it nice and slow
Feeling good on my own without you
Got me speaking in tongues
The beautiful, it comes without you

I'm gonna put my body first
And love me so hard 'til it hurts
I know how to scream out the words
Scream the words
Hailee Steinfeld, "Love Myself"

But come tonight he's gonna think of you and
He's got a tissue for his issue and a date with his hand.
Scratch 21, "Sorry Jack"



Arnold Schwarzenegger is... The Masturbator. Half man... half blind.
— Radio skit

     Stand-Up Comedy 

Where's the harm in it? I ask you, where's the harm in it? I masturbate! I do it like I think if I keep doing it, I'm gonna win something!
Dave Attel

I left the Catholic Church when I was 14 years old. They told me, "Masturbation is a sin."
"See ya!"
"No, my child, you must repent!"
"Hey, I'll apologize all you want, but... I'm doin' it again."
"If you keep doing it, you'll go blind!"
"S'alright, I can still find it!"
Adam Ferarra


The Internet Is for Porn
The Internet Is for Porn
Me up all night honking me horn
To porn, porn, pooooooorn
Trekkie Monster, Avenue Q

There's one thing to be said about masturbation: you certainly don't have to look your best.

I go up to my room, turn the stereo on,
shoot up some you in the you of some song.
I lie back just driftin' and play out these scenes
I ride on the rush, all the hopes, all the dreams.
Spring Awakening, "My Junk"

     Video Games 

I'm gonna sleep with you under my pillow once I'm done with you.

Kleiver: Think you can beat my score?
Daxter: Oh don't worry about Jak, he beats things all the time!

"This is my bedroom. I could have been doing bedroom things"
Buffy, for the trifecta, Buffy the Vampire Slayer

Trinity: When are we going to find you a girlfriend?
Ghost: Like Augustine, I'm dedicated to a higher purpose.
Trinity: What's that?
Ghost: Onanism.
Trinity: Is that why so many saints are blind?
Ghost: Celibacy is a hands on job.

Dook Hut
No Fapping!
Sign posted on every portable toilet, Borderlands 2


Anything you look at while you masturbate is porn. Your bedroom ceiling, for example.

Steve: ...So after five hours in the ER they tell us it's nothing to worry about.
Marten: Still, I can understand why she freaked out. Better safe than sorry, I guess.
Steve: I just wish we'd finished banging. I've got serious blue balls now.
Marten: Thanks for sharing.
Dora: What, can't you just go home and jerk off?
Steve: That's like tellin' a kid you're going to Disneyland and then droppin' him off at a McDonald's playground.
Dora: At least a ball pit is better than nothing.
Steve: Yeah, you've got a point. I'll be right back.
Marten: Goddamnit NOT IN MY BATHROOM!
Dora: There's lotion under the sink!


     Web Original 

"If you hooked a generator up to my jerking hand, you could power the entire city of Chicago for at least 48 minutes."

If I have to walk in on my roommate one more time
Sitting with his hand upon his lap
Filling my computer screen with pictures dirty and obscene
It may be the last before I snap

If I have to walk in on my roommate one more time
Looking at me with those guilty eyes
Grabbing a blanket in one swift motion
(Not to mention my bottle of lotion)
I may have to say my last goodbyes

Have you tried... you know, indulging yourself? Honest to Gods, it really doesn't make you go blind, that's a myth.
Faun, Tasakeru

     Real Life 

I masturbate and I vote!

Sex is like bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you better have a good hand.
— an old joke

Masturbation surprisingly can increase your sex drive. You might think that it would have the opposite effect - that you would need less sex because you are already getting stimulation through masturbation. This is actually not the case however - in fact the opposite thing happens and your body comes to expect sex.
Susan Knowlton, Low Sex Drive

I know it's controversial but I can tell you giving them this kind of information makes them safer in the long run. I'm talking about something external for the clitoris. I'm not talking about things that go internally at all- [just] things they can explore externally to arouse them. The reason I suggest a vibrator is because so many women and girls and adult women have a hard time reaching orgasm through self-stimulation alone. This is just a way to normalize it and normalize sexual exploration.

When you masturbate you should do so to porn. This too can help you to become more aroused as you will start to build up a repository of sexual images-and you'll be be more likely to be reminded of these and the sensation of orgasm in daily life.
Susan Knowton, Low Sex Drive


Example of: