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    G 
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    H 
  • Had the Silly Thing in Reverse:
  • Hair-Trigger Temper:
    • This customer seems pleasant enough when she asks for something, but the moment even one thing is off with the transaction....
    • This guy at a store register suddenly and abruptly throws his merchandise down and storms out of the store looking angry as a hornet the minute the cashier finishes helping a slightly cranky elderly woman. What makes the situation especially bizarre is that up to that point, the man had been acting perfectly amicable and patient as the cashier helped the elderly woman and had even told the cashier to go ahead and finish helping her before helping him. Even the site's commentators were stumped by the man's behavior.
    • This guy at a fried-chicken restaurant's drive-through orders a two-piece chicken combo, but asks for no sides, so the employee puts the order in as two pieces of chicken. The minute the guy sees the two piece of chicken orders show up on the screen, he blows his stack and speeds out of there before the poor employee can even explain why the order appeared like that.
    • This customer responds to being politely asked to not shout profanity in a library by dropping a racist Cluster F-Bomb, and threatening to shoot and stab the submitter, for complying with library policy.
  • Handicapped Badass: I'm playing. What's your excuse again? A convention attendee who is dragged to a DDR tournament initially refuses to play... until the registration tender shows he has a prosthetic leg, and is playing as well.
  • Hands-Off Parenting: This mother seems to have this approach, seeing that she chased off the babysitter for punishing her son when he was throwing rocks. She ends up going to court later on because her son threw a rock at a neighbor's kid.
  • Hanlon's Razor: Most of the examples are pretty clear, but some are really difficult to decide whether the Jerkass customer is trying to cheat the cashier, is a real-life Troll doing it for shits and giggles, or if the customer is just plain stupid.
    • This example lends credence to the "Customer is a troll" theory. He's complaining that the dirt the landscaping company dropped off is "too dirty". That's right, his dirt is too dirty.
    • And then there's this exchange...
      Tech Support: Really, you want me to talk you through opening the [laptop] box?
      Customer: Yes.
      Tech Support: Is this a prank call?
      Customer: No.
  • Harsh Noise: This woman despises the sound of vacuum cleaners. note 
  • Has Two Mommies: This girl has two daddies .
  • Haunted Technology:
  • Having a Gay Old Time: "I'll blow my load!" means something different these days...
  • Have I Mentioned I Am Heterosexual Today?: "Are you paying together?" "No! We are definitely not together! I'm not gay!"
  • Head Desk: This poor tech-support guy.
  • Heel–Face Turn:
  • Heel Realization: One lady who claims a black employee stole her necklace. She later calls back to apologize upon discovering she simply misplaced it.
  • Heh Heh, You Said "X": This husband is constantly amused by windows having an "inside mount".
  • Henpecked Husband: Um...my wife told me to?
  • Here We Go Again!: Deja Vu In Aisle 3
  • Heteronormative Crusader: This guy inverts this trope and combines it with Conspiracy Theorist. Apparently, the terrorists are intent on destroying the United States because of the gay people there. So what does the guy think the US should do? Have everyone become gay so they stop giving birth to the terrorists, of course!
    • Very disturbingly inverted with this woman, who wants her three-year-old son to be gay and is considering facilitating this by showing him pornography. She even manages to make her repeated use of the phrase "I'm very open-minded" sound like a perfect inversion of this trope - that she absolutely must have a gay son and won't accept any other outcome.
  • Hiccup Hijinks: This customer deliberately complains about a non-problem in order to give an employee a scare—because said employee has the hiccups. The employee isn't particularly happy about it, but it does seem to work, since the hiccups are gone after the customer leaves.
  • Hide Your Lesbians: Taken Up to Eleven here. This woman seems to think gay men are simply some "stupid liberal conspiracy".
  • Hipster: Righteous Indie-nation
  • Historical Character Confusion: No, I mean Machiavelli. They don't. Unfortunately, the museum guide never even figures out who they are talking about!
  • Hitler Ate Sugar: Parodied. Skittles are EVIL?
  • Hobbes Was Right: It’s a shame that some people will not act civilly unless they’re given a friendly reminder that there are consequences for acting like a turd.
  • Hoist by His Own Petard: A rare real-life example here. And it's hilarious to boot.
    • And this one. An old principle, BTW... but the backfire seems original.
    • A woman who kept hitting a customer with her shopping cart because she thought the customer was a drunk ends up slamming her cart onto a shelf, causing a lot of merchandise to drop on the floor.
    • Had this hotheaded passenger calmed down and not swore at and insulted the crew and passengers on the plane, the police wouldn't have been called to meet him outside the plane - nor would they have arrested him after running a check on the passenger's name and finding out he was a wanted criminal. And all of this fuss was because the crew no longer had the type of sandwich he wanted.
    • A bookstore manager calls a math teacher to tell her the check she used to pay for the books she bought was insufficient. But the manager learns the teacher earlier returned the books to the bookstore and got a cash refund. However, because the books were never actually paid for in the first place due to the bounced check, the teacher technically committed check fraud and stole money. Despite many attempts to ask the teacher to return the money to settle this issue, the teacher stubbornly refuses to listen or understand, believing the bookstore was trying to rob her and threatening to sue them. In the end, the teacher was found guilty in court and not only had to pay back the money she stole, but also the fine and court fees as well with her reputation ruined.
    • This customer ends up being caught for many counts of identity theft and credit card fraud because, in the process of trying to get a store's manager to let him look at their batch report, he got loud and angry enough at them for refusing (since said batch report also had many other customers' full credit card numbers on it) that they called the cops on him - who found him yelling at another manager elsewhere in the mall for probably the same reason. If he had been anything less than your typical screaming NAR customer, he would still be on the loose, possibly with another stolen identity.
    • This drunk patron told the bar staff he was cheating on their a $1 pitcher of beer promo without going to the toilet by revealing how he cheated.
    • This customer insults the religion of the mechanic working on their car and demands not to be serviced by that mechanic. The owner of the garage obligingly cancels the oil change... in the middle of the procedure, forcing the customer to hire a tow truck to take their now inoperable car to a different garage.
    • This amazing tale of a man who calls the police on a store who won't refund a product that he bought from an entirely different business. As the man smugly expects the manager to beg him to call the police off, the manager wearily explains to him that if the only way he'll believe that you can't return products to the wrong store is if the police tell him, then so be it. The man immediately turns pale, stammers "You... you a**-hole! I have unpaid tickets! I can’t talk to the police!", and flees.
  • Holier Than Thou: A common problem when some bigoted, elitist, or sexist, or any combination, uses religious scripture to justify their intolerance. They pointedly do not take it well when contrary scripture is used against them, even from superiors from their local denomination. Especially the trope namer, the passage from the book of Exodus.
  • Hospitality for Heroes: Several cases of an awesome customer stepping in to deal with an abrasive or rude one getting assorted freebies or discounts from the store they're in.
  • Human Aliens: Meet Qinjax, age 270. Or 45 in Earth years, where he's named Andrew.
  • Humans Are Bastards: Not that the alternative is better.
  • Humans Are Flawed: For all the horrible customers, there's also an entire section of customers who are awesome, whether by putting the bad customers in their place, doing something extra nice for the employee, simply being incredibly entertaining, or something else entirely.
  • Humanity Is Insane: You really have to wonder how some of the customers manage to survive despite being almost completely disconnected from reality.
  • Humiliation Conga: This high-schooler's attempts to coerce (read: bully) his way into a free lunch at a local restaurant in order to impress his girlfriend fall apart when the owner and employees refuse to cave into his demands, and the jock's attempts to save face in front of his (increasingly embarrassed) date just make him look worse until it's revealed that he didn't even bring any money with him at all and he has to call his dad over to come bail him out, all while he gets berated by the other patrons at the restaurant (as well as his father when he gets there). And even after that, the kid refuses to admit defeat and posts an aggressively negative review about the restaurant that not only ends up getting himself further humiliated but ends up running off a bunch of his father's clients when they learn about it and gets himself severely grounded by his father as a result.
  • Hurricane of Excuses: This.
  • Hurricane of Puns: seen here.
  • Husky Russkie: This guy, though he intentionally plays up his Russian accent to scare the bejeezus out of a creepy guy who keeps calling a local pizzeria to make disturbing sexual comments.
  • Hypocrite:
  • Hypocrite Has a Point: This customer actually tries to invert it. Even if "Customer" honestly believes Donald Trump is the most racist, sexist, and evil human being to walk the Earth, this does not excuse him, a self-proclaimed member of the Black Panthers, a notorious violent, racist, anti-police street-gang, hurling racial slurs and making death threats for being asked, politely, to not shout obscenities in a library, or leave quietly, by the white library staff member.
    Customer:(Standing up and getting close enough to OP for their noses to touch)"I’m the son of a black panther, you f*** honky! I’ve been shot twice, stabbed twice, and I’ll be more than happy to do the same to you if you don’t f*** off and leave me alone! We cool, white boy?!"
    (As he's being arrested) "Hey, man! I ain't Donald Trump!"
    (As he's being escorted out by police after coming back a week later, despite being banned for a year, and going into a room full of children.) "Same excuse/alibi."
  • Hypocritical Humor: This mother criticizes a daycare worker for having a tattoo on her foot. The woman then leans over to reveal a tramp stamp. "I’m an adult! Don’t you judge me!"
    • This Christian lady accuses the non-Christian clerk of stealing profits from the store, only to then be caught attempting to shoplift.
    • “You should learn to f*** speak to people more politely, b***!”
    • This customer tries to be a Third-Person Person and a Grammar Nazi at the same time. You can imagine how effective it is.
    • This skateboarder refuses to let a specific employee touch his board solely because she's female, then threatens to sue them for discrimination when they kick him out for insulting the employees. The coworker who forced him out - who is black like the customer - lampshades it with a "good luck with that, mate."
    • A customer castigates another customer for ordering at a fast food restaurant because "All the food here is crap!"... then they order something too.
    • “You Mexicans are all the same, never bothering to think that maybe there are more types of Asians than just Chinese people.” For extra irony, the waiter who the customer was complaining about was from Puerto Rico, and the manager he was addressing was from Peru.
    • The mother of one of the most polite customers ever featured on the website tries to tell him that his manners are terrible, because he's being polite to a cashier.
    • This one customer complains that she's in a big hurry, and has somewhere she needs to be, wishing the customer in front of her would just hurry up. When it's her turn in line, she then spends the next ten minutes counting out her entire purchase in loose change. And the "somewhere she needs to be in a big hurry"? The lamppost just outside so she can talk on her cellphone.
    • "I have a feeling wearing the wrong socks wasn't the reason she was fired."
    • This guy goes off on a spiel about how his family has owned every pharmacy in town for a century, and how his family has more money than the entire mall he's in, because they don't accept checks anymore. When he shuts up long enough to try using a credit card, it is promptly declined.
    • This customer complains about a store being understaffed due to the snow, noting he's glad the slow moving isn't making him late for work. When the worker asks the customer why they're not at work, the response is, "Duh, the snow! Maybe you’ve noticed it? Are you blind or just stupid?!"
    • This guy thinks "2 can dine for $9.99" on a coupon somehow means taking off ten dollars from the price, rather than paying only ten dollars instead of the actual value. The store he's trying this at in the story is the second one to explain this is not the case, and he still walks off muttering about how they're "too dumb" to honor the coupon.
    • "Well, I’m just going to take my money elsewhere. Somewhere they will appreciate my business. Such at [Big Box Store notorious for its terrible customer service]."
    • This customer, in the same breath that she claims the submitter is being lazy for following the laundromat's policy, admits that she doesn't want to do her own laundry, she wants someone else to do it for her. Even better is she spends an hour trying to get him to do it for her, even though she claimed both that she needed the whole load done by then and that her own washer and dryer at home could have done so.
    • This customer turns out to be a few dollars short for what turns out to be tobacco and cigarettes, but then she immediately flies off the handle at the submitter offering to help her pay for it, because he's buying cigarettes.
    • A customer at a convenience store spots an employee closing the sliding door to the ice cream freezer after another customer left it open for the umpteenth time and remarks that it annoys them and must annoy the employee when people leave the freezer door open to potentially ruin the ice cream inside. Guess what the customer does after getting their ice cream?

    I 
  • I Always Wanted to Say That: "Why would anyone bother having different kinds of coffee?"
  • I am a Humanitarian: I would like the human plate.
  • I Am Not Shazam: Someone does this with Madagascar, of all things. invoked
  • I Am Not Spock:invoked "No, I look for movie Forrest Gump where he gets big."
  • I Am Spartacus: Invoked by the manager of an electronics store in this story, once she learned why a particular customer wanted to exchange some goods recently bought at another of their stores.
  • I Am Very British: Defied.
  • I Ate WHAT?!: Some people eat or drink the contents before purchasing them This woman had apparently eaten frozen hot dogs that were still wrapped in the vacuum sealed plastic.
    • This woman wants the new burger, but itsn't sure about the "secret sauce" (the cashier doesn't know what's in it) so she wants whipped cream instead!
  • I Am Not Pretty: In this story, a woman comes in with her husband looking for a dress, but is convinced that she needs to lose more weight because she's just had a baby, even though she already has a great figure. The submitter convinces her to try on a mermaid cut halter dress, and when she puts it on, she looks (in the submitter's exact words) "drop-dead 50s-goddess gorgeous."
    Customer: I don’t kn—
    Husband: (knocks over chair jumping up) THIS ONE! WE’LL TAKE THIS ONE! (under his breath) ...and after the ball we can make a sibling for the baby.
  • I Call It "Vera": Bertha the shotgun.
  • I Can't Believe It's Not Heroin!: "Yeah, I have mites on my, uh... tomato plants."
  • I Don't Pay You to Think: "When Crazy Requests Reach the Stratosphere" - "You’re not paid to think, so just put a new satellite up."
  • I Have Boobs, You Must Obey!: This girl. It was worth a try...
  • I Know Kung-Faux: "I don't know karate, but I do know 'crazy' and I'm not afraid to use it."
  • I Love the Dead: OH GOD NO!
  • I Need a Freaking Drink:
    • "Who's buying the first round?" Said after finally closing the store, nearly half an hour past the stated closing time.
    • "I drank a lot after that shift." This after, in the submitter's words, having to basically explain every single technological advance related to the Internet, twice, to people who have absolutely no understanding of what the Internet is.
    • This guy's roommate apparently needed this in the middle of the night. Too bad the "drink" he found in the medicine cabinet was a friend's contact lenses!
  • I Need to Go Iron My Dog: Many examples. Some people don't even have any sort of excuse and just run away in embarrassment.
  • I Never Said It Was Poison: This customer is asked to have his bag inspected after a camera was stolen. He immediately flies off the handle at the security guard for daring to accuse him of stealing a camera - forgetting that the guard only ever referred to it as a "stolen item".
    • Among other contradictory excuses, this doctor claims that the dogs he may or may not have never attacked anybody. The caller hadn't mentioned anything about dogs.
  • I Reject Your Reality:
    • This bizarre woman. Despite the bookshop worker having confirmation, including camera footage, that the woman did not leave her wallet at the counter but kept it in her bag, she refused to accept that as proof and insisted she left her wallet at the bookshop counter.
    • This woman thinks that throwing away the signs saying that the customer service desk is closed means that the desk will automatically become open.
    • This man doesn't see fries listed on the condensed menu of a restaurant in a mall's food court and comes to the conclusion that the restaurant must not have fries, even after the cashier states repeatedly that they not only do have fries but mentions in the narration that said menu does, in fact, have fries listed on it in a few places.
    • This customer thinks the company he's calling has always had a fifty dollar free shipping offer for over eighty years despite the submitter pointing out the company has never had such a offer and the company has only been around for twenty years, which the customer refuses to believe and kept saying "I'm right, you're wrong!" to justify his delusions.
    • This woman insists that her dying smoke detector is a cricket infestation in her house...even after the smoke detector is fixed.
    • This motel owner tries to find out where a female customer took a taxi to. Never mind why he wants to know that. Giving out this information is illegal per the Privacy Act, but the man refuses to believe such a law exists.
    • This woman is so sure the couple she's approached are siblings that when they kiss to prove otherwise, she cries incest.
    • This woman, after being caught shoplifting, claims that since she "didn't consent to being recorded on security cameras", she can't be arrested for shoplifting. She even called the police on the OP, who promptly arrested her for attempted theft.
  • I Resemble That Remark!: A lot. Here's one.
  • I Take Offense to That Last One!: Lampshaded here.
    Submitter: (to the problem-customer's daughter) ...I'm not saying that's for everyone but you don't want to wake up one day to find you're 50, miserable, bigoted, and rude.
    Problem Customer: I'm only 42!
    Submitter: I'm sure that's what your daughter will remember about today.
  • I Want Grandkids: Get Thee To A Nursery! Maybe she will eventually meet this guy?
  • I Want My Jetpack: Stealth cellphones.
  • I Warned You: This customer bought eighty 80-pound bags of cement, and tried to put them in the bed of his pickup truck all at once. The clerk and the manager told him several times that his truck would get crushed under the weight, and when the customer said it'd be fine, the manager told him to do a thumbs-up to a camera just to prove he was certain about hauling 6,400 pounds of cement in his truck. When the rear end of the truck gives out from the weight, the customer is brushed off when he demands the store replace his truck, telling him that he gave consent to load his truck with the cement even after being warned that this is exactly how it would end up, and they had video with audio of him giving this consent to prove it.
  • Idiot Ball: Some of these moments consist of otherwise intelligent customers having ditz moments. A few times, the customer has submitted their own ditz moment.
  • Idle Rich: "One of our customers is a real estate developer — known to have too much money, too much free time, and an attitude — who owns lots of commercial property." Near the end of the story it's mentioned that the customer in question likes to stand around at his properties and watch them make him money.
  • I'll Take That as a Compliment: The attitude of the staff to being told they are all too attractive.
  • I'll Kill You!: Said by this egomaniac customer. Mercifully, security stops her before anything can come of it.
  • I'm Taking Her Home with Me!: ...before anyone else will!
  • The Immodest Orgasm: That went on for over thirty minutes!
  • Immune to Drugs: This patient. Combined with low pain tolerance, this causes problems for the hospital.
  • Implausible Deniability:
    • "Nope."
    • This man tries to return a library book that has clearly been chewed by a dog, insisting that it was like that when he checked it out (despite the librarian pointing out that they wouldn't check out a book in that state) and it couldn't have happened in his house since he doesn't own a dog. The book in question? A puppy-training manual.
    • This man insists that his son never wore the shoes that he is trying to return in the face of overwhelming evidence to the contrary, namely that the shoes are absolutely caked with mud and the son vocally talking about all the places he has worn the shoes.
  • Impossible Task: This customer at a shoe store asks for fancy white heels that also have to be hiking sandals, completely waterproof, super comfortable, and have excellent arch support with no backstraps. The manager laughs her out of the store.
  • In-Joke: “Yo, b***! I told you not to pay! We had a deal!”
  • Incest Is Relative: And apparently desirable, with regards to someone's second cousin.
  • Incompatible Orientation: Doesn't matter to some people.
  • Inflationary Dialogue: A fence built on magic beans.
  • Innocent Innuendo: Why context is important.
  • Insane Troll Logic:
    • "Well, I'm older than you and I probably make way more than you anyway, so I’m right." Note that she's disputing an expiration date, which is clearly marked on the bottle.
    • "You just get married so you can have pre-marital sex and babies out of wedlock! You should wait until you at least have a job!" Apparently the job the employee was clearly working at while the customer was yelling at her doesn't count.
      • That's also ignoring the fact that pre-marital sex and wedlock, by definition, require you to not be married in the first place. As the employee's coworker said, "I don't think she thought about what she just said at all."
    • In this story, a customer pays for their movie ticket with pre-counted change held inside a roll of electric tape. Naturally, it takes much longer than necessary for the cashier to count out the change - and then the other customer has the gall to try and file a complaint over how long it took when that is entirely their fault. Which, of course, the complaining customer cannot possibly wrap his mind around, as when he is told by a manager that the cashier could have denied them service at any time over this, he reacts by glaring at that cashier as though they did.
    • This customer starts castigating a cashier at a Christian bookstore for said store being open on Sundays. After a bit of back-and-forth, the cashier asks her how she would buy the things she herself is trying to buy on a Sunday if the store wasn't open. Unlike the last time this sort of exchange happened, though, the customer is only briefly stunned by this question before she responds, "It doesn’t matter! You should be closed on Sundays! Now do your job and ring me up!"
    • One client was behind in her payments, and she offered to give them some of the paintings she's made instead. When suggested that she sell some paintings for money to pay, the woman said she couldn't because it would result in her having to break up a marriage. According to her, she would have to sleep with a man to get him to buy a painting, and then his wife would find out and divorce him, and it would be all her fault!
    • This charming customer openly expresses his concerns about the staff of a game store "encouraging" a girl who is mute (due to a throat injury), and insists that they should make her leave...because he believes she's retarded. However, what officially puts his complaints into this territory note  is that he seems convinced that the girl will make other customers retarded, as though it was a contagious disease of some sort. In the end, the mute girl got the last laugh.
    • This hotel guest asks for directions, only to completely lose her shit at whoever gives them for telling her what to do. This even applies to written directions printed from the Internet.
    • This guy says he doesn't want a drink with his order, since his wife is getting coffee from the other restaurant they share a building with. Not two minutes later, he complains about not getting a drink with his order.
    • This customer thinks that Regular Soda + Diet Sweetener = Diet Soda.
    • This woman thinks drinking water is unhealthy and will kill you.
      The water’s for [my handicapped son]. I don’t drink water. That stuff will kill you.
    • Somehow, this woman jumps to the conclusion that her local cosmetics store cannot be trusted and immediately severs all ties with them after seeing a drunk man peeing on a bus stop that bore one of the company's ads and assumed he was making an Excrement Statement about the company.
    • As noted under "Miss Conception," the teenage girl who insists she can't be pregnant because she's a lesbian... who has a boyfriend... with whom she's sexually active... but she can't be pregnant because she's a lesbian and lesbians can't get pregnant!
    • Somebody paid full price (of four dollars) for some ornaments that I was unsuccessfully haggling over? "This is why department stores are going out of business!"
    • This woman wanted to sell some games, but one of them happened to be in the console at the time her family wanted to leave. Rather than turn the console on and eject the disk, they brought the console itself in so the store people could get the disk from it.
    • This customer receives a free car wash voucher for their next visit to a car dealership and somehow comes to the conclusion that the only reason they would do so is specifically because an employee peed in his car as they were cleaning it and the dealership was trying to cover it up by giving him the voucher.
    • A customer tries to prove they didn't spill coffee on the floor... by deliberately spilling coffee on the floor.
    • A woman doesn't want to spend $20 to see a movie at a theater, so she buys a bootlegged copy of it for $15 dollars from a corner shop rather than waiting for it to come out on home video or digital. However, half of the bootlegged copy was blocked by someone sitting in front of the bootlegger, so the woman went to another place and bought a different bootlegged copy from a different store for twenty bucks, but that one was bad, too, so now she is trying to see if the local library has a good copy yet.
      Librarian: [Patron], forgive me for being skeptical, but did you just hear yourself? You bought two bad bootleg copies for fifteen dollars more than you would have spent at the theater.
      Patron: Yeah, I just hate spending so much for the theater.
      Librarian: ...?
  • Insistent Terminology:
    • Eating popcorn? Psh. This customer prefers the term utilize.
    • It's one hundred and thirty-six! Not one-three-six!
    • Similarly, it's eighty-one thousand, eight-hundred and eighteen. Not eight-one-eight eighteen or eight-one-eight-one-eight.
    • As well, this woman insists that not only is the Welsh town Machynlleth properly pronounced Mobblegarnith, but that the Welsh language is "nothing more than silly lies".
    • Then we have this woman, who enters a craft store and wants to buy blueberries. No, they're not a food. They're long. You knit with them. Neither the OP nor anyone in the comments have been able to figure out what exactly she meant, and she storms out in a huff rather than clarify the request in any way.
    • This fast food customer firmly believes that a plain cheeseburger doesn't have any burger on it. In other words, what she's trying to order is basically a cheese sandwich. On the bright side, when the OP (another customer) points out the flaw in her logic, she quickly realizes that "I'm an idiot."
  • Insult Backfire: "You’re a Pooh butt! You’re a Winnie the Pooh butt!"
  • Interchangeable Asian Cultures:
  • The Internet Is for Porn: ...and pedophiles.
  • Inverted Trope: Most of the stories are about customers doing stupid things. Occasionally, however, it'll be the employees who goof up. Like this one, when a man with a limp comes in and asks for something "for support." The employee takes him toward the knee braces, when he asks how they help support the testicles. She politely points him toward the jock straps. note 
  • Irony: This customer tries to get a return on a stolen game. The game? Thief.
    • This customer refuses to get off her cell phone while checking out of a store... while conversing with the friend on the other end about how she finds such activity rude.
    • The South Park story gets ironic when you consider how the film the mom took her kids to is about how Kyle's mom started a moral crusade over a movie while having a Never My Fault attitude.
    • This customer is attempting to return a book that has very obviously been damaged by chewing. The book in question was a puppy training manual.
  • Is It Something You Eat?: Here.
  • Is That Cute Kid Yours?: More along the lines of "why the hell are you having kids?", there are cases where a customer sees another person with a child and berates them for having children at a young age. In nearly every case, the customer is so wrong.
    • Like here. A woman accuses a 15-year-old babysitter of having a child after seeing the babysitter and the three-year-old neighbor being watched in the park. Never mind that it would have been impossible for them to be parent and child, given the ages. Also, not the same nationality.
    • Luckily, the younger sister of this sibling pair points out the age problem and puts the nosy customer in their place.
    • Another kid shaming attempt here, but an employee intervenes and allows the accused to set the whole record straight. Amusingly, the employee was only expecting something along the lines of "none of your business".
    • Here too. Turns out, the kids are hers, but she's very well off.
    • This customer somehow assumed a guy was a teenage mother.
  • Is This Thing Still On?: It is.
  • It Is Pronounced "Tro-PAY":
    • In one case, an employee is corrected on the pronunciation of bruschetta. In Italian, the letters "sch" would be spoken like the "sk" in "skate", while the employee pronounced it like the German "sch". The customer, however, comes off as a bit of a jerk... and to top it off, he still got it wrong. The proper pronunciation (like every language, it varies by dialect and region) of "bruschetta" is broo-sket-ta (the customer said "bra-sket-ta").
    • This customer falls victim to a series of location names not pronounced the way he sees them spelled.
    • This man asks for "animal paint", and completely loses his shit when an employee - specifically, a female one - dares to suggest he meant something else.
    • This guy is sent to the store to buy lasagne, but doesn't know what it is or how to pronounce it. note 
    • Do you have any bobbles? She wants Bibles.
  • It's All About Me: So many customers in these stories seem to take "the customer is always right" to mean "my satisfaction comes first, everybody else here can go to hell". As seen below:
    • A spectacularly insensitive example here. People having seizures actually do deserve precedence over someone who just needs a prescription.
    • And over people who just want to get off a plane.
    • And these two golf course examples. Yes, sir, your golf game is more important than someone else's life.
    • This man is not as worried about calling 911 for his injured father-in-law as he is about suing the man who hit his father-in-law.
    • A less grave, but no less applicable, edition here.
    • What's more urgent business: cat food or fire? Admittedly, the customer apparently thought he was making up the fire to get out of helping her.
    • This one. Apparently somebody dying right in front of them isn't an adequate justification for failing to serve someone else their wine right away.
    • Could you give that woman CPR somewhere else? I need my ink.
    • This one, with some hypocritical humor too. Hard not to feel bad for the poor kids.
    • Why do you keep stopping the bus?
    • That sucks that you fainted... but my coffee matters more!
    • This store was just robbed at gunpoint... but all that matters to this customer is getting a latte!
    • A customer dents an employee's car with his car door while picking up drive-thru, and the employee drops his meal in shock. Said customer's reaction? "You owe me 5 pounds for that meal!"
    • "My horse is more important then any accident!" Note the horse wasn't even injured, only spooked by fireworks.
    • This woman believes that her Porsche gives her the right to take two parking spaces at once and be exempt from any penalties that normally incur.
    • Taken to the extreme in this story — the customer decides that because she can't find a parking space anywhere, it's perfectly acceptable to smash her SUV into a storefront and leave it there. When it's towed away later, she seems to think that it gives her the right to smash the store's interior because she thought they took it. To top it all off, when she's arrested for the property damage and shoplifting, that somehow means that customer service was terrible and she's entitled to a gift card! The store probably lost enough fixing everything already — if anything, she should be paying them.
    • Yet another example of a customer putting caffeine dependency over the most basic of common decency.
    • Your thumb's bleeding and another customer's getting sick? Forget that! My flowers are far more important than anyone else's well-being!
    • This woman demands a bookstore employee help her take the books to her car, after refusing bags and being fully aware that the employee is the only one there, needing to attend to other customers as well.
    • Here's another person who thinks they can take up two parking spaces whenever they feel like. Worse yet, they're two handicapped spaces, the man's "handicap" is a broken wrist, and when he's told that he's taking up two spaces, he moves his truck so that it takes up even more of the two spaces. He got a ticket in the end, though.
    • This person calls 911 just because their phone was shut off. Never mind how they called in the first place[[note]]If you're curious, it's federal law in the US. — they fail to understand the true purpose of 911.
    • This man barges into a store after it closed because, as he puts it, it's an emergency. He rushes off after being let in, ignoring the employees who wanted to help him. What does he get? Lube, chips, and wine. To top it all off, he calls the manager impatient for rushing back to help him, like he just can't understand why they might be so.
    • You might lose your job if you lie about what's in a package? If it means I get to save a quarter, that's totally all right!
    • This woman literally says that she doesn't care about other customers. She follows it up by saying that if the other customers are allergic to meat, then that's proof that God wants them to die so that they won't inconvenience her. Thankfully, the elderly lady who is getting her meat cut delivers an epic smack-down to her.
    • This mother goes to the emergency room because her daughter had irregular periods and she had "the zits". Clearly, treating them is way more important than people who, say, had been in a car accident.
    • This asshole decides that she wants an audio-book another library-goer already reserved, with a sticker on it and everything, to the point of even snatching it out of her hand. What does she do? Rip the sticker off and try to check it out anyway. She manages to kick up a fuss and get the audio book nearly taken away due to it being "broken", but the original reserver manages to set the whole thing straight and get the audio-book checked out under her name. Despite all this, the sticker-ripper has the gall to ask for it anyway!
    • This bridesmaid who wanted to upstage her sister at her own wedding by wearing a more attractive dress than the other bridesmaids, even though they're supposed to dress the same.
    • This elderly airline passenger, who wants their bag in reach, regardless of the convenience of others.
    • This customer complains that the Xbox One and PlayStation 4, which hadn't even been announced at the time of the story, aren't available for pre-order. To wit: "Why can’t the f*** company just release the new consoles when I want them?! Stupid a**-holes! They should be doing what I want; I’m the paying customer!"
    • This tourist in Scotland, upon being denied access to a palace because a member of The British Royal Family is staying there that day for a homecoming procession, shouts that they should have known that specific tourist was coming there for that day only and rescheduled the procession for the next day.
    • This tourist doesn't feel well, so she calls the local hospital in England to see if she can arrange an appointment that day. That's fine. The weird part is that she's calling from a cruise ship in the Caribbean, but she still wants to see her doctor today. When told she can't see the doctor today since she's hundreds of miles away out of the country, she demands to know why the doctor can't just fly out to meet her. Yeah, it's not that simple.
    • Why are you taking a few seconds to pull that shard of glass out of your hand? You must help me every waking moment, personal safety be damned!
    • You must set an attendance cap and turn people away if a theme park gets too full! Unless it's me; I paid to come here!
    • There's a missing boy? No, don't look for him, keep servicing us!
    • This parent wants a tourist attraction to bend the laws of physics so that their kids can watch a fireworks show. Apparently, letting said kids stay up a bit later than normal - half the fun of being on vacation for a kid - is out of the question.
    • This person wants a hotel to cancel someone else's reservation so that they can get a room.
    • This wonderful patient.
    • This customer doesn't like an employee's new hair color, and so tells her to dye it back to its original color right now.
    • A rather disturbing instance here: a person in a hospital overhears another patient who can't speak above a whisper due to her illness, promptly assumes she's gossiping about him (since his son is there due to swallowing a rock), and as such threatens her with physical violence every time she says anything. Fortunately for the patient, her mom turned out to be the Head Nurse on the hospital floor and had the jerk thrown out of the hospital as soon as she heard what happened.
    • "Why don't you remember what coffee I want out of all the coffees of the numerous people you serve each day?". At least the customer gets it when the worker explains the situation to him, and when the worker shows him up the next day by noting what he got yesterday, he leaves behind a sizeable tip.
    • This woman, upon being told that a cobbler who rented space in the store has retired, claims that a different one five minutes away from the store is too far. Also crosses over with They Just Don't Get It, refusing to accept that said cobbler did not actually work for the store.
    • This woman tries to argue that workers should not have holidays like Thanksgiving off to spend with their families, because then "more important" families like the customer's won't be able to buy things, even saying that workers "can't have" families if they're going to work in a store.
    • This woman expects a library to call her the night before a book she's rented is due rather than keep track of that herself. She also pointedly says that they can't email her, they have to call her.
    • This man seems to think that a charity shop should give him items for free, both because they get the items donated to them for free, and he is planning to furnish some property he plans to rent out with them; clearly him making a few extra bucks on rent is far more important than any cause a charity could possibly have.
    • This customer brings 20 items into a 12-item-limit express lane, and when admonished and told to use the regular checkout next time, bluntly refuses, saying "express is faster".
    • This customer is annoyed that her cell phone provider didn't tell her that they were giving away free movie tickets for a week... despite the fact that it was advertised on billboards, newspapers, radio stations, her monthly bill, the Internet, and text messages. Unfortunately, the customer didn't get the message because she doesn't go outside much (so no billboards), doesn't read newspapers, doesn't listen to the radio, throws away every ad that comes with her monthly bill, doesn't use the Internet, and ignores all incoming text messages. Exasperated, the customer service associate asks how, exactly, were they supposed to tell her about it then. She replies they could have called her about it. Specifically called her, out of the thousands of customers the company has.
    • This customer is asked to call a company in the morning to discuss something. He ends up calling at 3 PM, justifying it by saying that because he just woke up, it's still his morning, and as such counts for what the submitter asked.
    • Crossing with Attention Whore: this girl calls in an ambulance to take her to the hospital so she can get more attention and sympathy than her friend (who was rushed to the ER with genuine anaphylactic shock). Note that this is illegal.
    • This old lady complains about a crane being in view of her room's window at a hotel due to a condo being constructed between the hotel and the Space Needle (the story is in Seattle). It is not possibly blocking her view of the Needle given how high up her room is, and yet she insists that the hotel make the crane move anyway. She does not care that this would cost the construction company millions, either, as when told of all the costs moving the crane for a bit and then moving it back would incur, she simply states that "money is no object".
    • This woman who is upset over a grocery store being closed down after having been purchased by a major chain because she won't have a place downtown to shop. After the employee she chews out over it starts crying, another one steps in and points out they had nothing to do with the store closing and everyone working there is getting laid off, while she is only being inconvenienced by having to shop elsewhere.
    • This woman insists that her specially ordered shampoo be delivered that day despite the delivery truck being delayed by a traffic accident. The submitter looks into the situation and discovers the delivery truck was actually involved in the accident and the driver was killed. When called back, the customer repeatedly insists on her shampoo being delivered even after being given the above information.
    • This woman goes to a sports bar and expects the staff to change the channel on the largest TV screen to Lifetime. When the submitter refuses, stating policy, the woman demands to speak to a manager, who allows her to watch her program on a smaller TV. The woman refuses, demanding that the company make several patrons watching a college basketball game watch on the smaller screen. The manager refuses to do so, having already compromised with his original offer. The woman initially backs off and watches her program on the smaller screen, however she leaves no tip and tells the submitter that she will not be returning and will write a bad Yelp review about the establishment. The submitter notes why this is not a good idea.
    • This customer loses it because another man in the restaurant proposes to their girlfriend, and that somehow ruined the surprise proposal he was going to make to his own. He grows increasingly more belligerent, claiming that he had 'reserved' a proposal and that meant the staff should know not to let anybody else make one, until he's eventually dragged out by police. At the end of the story he loses his girlfriend too.
    • This pleasant individual at a movie theater raises a stink over not being able to have seats reserved for handicapped people (after claiming these seats online without paying any attention to whether they were handicapped seats or not), and screams that handicapped people shouldn't have their own seats solely because it's an inconvenience to her. (Even though claiming the handicapped seats was her own fault in the first place.)
    • This woman tries to force a random person at the airport note  to give her the password to his smartphone's hotspot solely because she sees that he has it. She blames him for hogging the airport's wifi (which he wasn't using in the first place) and calls a manager to get him fired. The man isn't even an employee, and upon learning this information, the woman tries to force the manager to tell the man to give up the password. It doesn't go over well for the woman. To make matters worse, this whole confrontation could've been avoided if she realized the airport has free wifi!
    • This window seat passenger doesn't care that her constant drinking and need to pee every few minutes is bothering the middle and aisle passengers who are trying to sleep and don't like that her constant moving is dirtying their clothes; she wants the window seat and will not change seats with the aisle passenger despite it being more convenient for her and everyone else.
    • Many of these customers feel that they're inconvenienced because a kid got trapped and drowned on a water slide. The death of a child should more important than their vacation.
    • This guy expects to come into a medical office whenever he wants and get to see a doctor right away. The receptionist was having none of that.
    • This girl needs to get her oboe repaired, but the technician is on vacation and is unavailable for another week and a half. Her mother proceeds to go ballistic and says they need the oboe repaired in time for the next lesson (the following Wednesday). She said they'll be back to return the oboe and won't be renting from the store in the future. The submitter was about to tell the woman that they could loan her daughter an oboe while she waited for the repairs.
    • Taken to the absolute extreme with this woman who is extremely irate about her missing television programs and doesn't care about the 'piddling' excuse that the librarian she's called is giving her. The 'piddling' excuse? It's the day after 9/11. More specifically, the television antenna that provided her program was mounted on the World Trade Center. Who cares that thousands of people have died, when are they going to rebuild the Towers and get her shows back?
    • This racist realtor travels around a neighborhood removing Black Lives Matter posters from people's properties solely because she's afraid they'll scare off potential clients for her business (which, by the end of the story, she is no longer working for).
    • This woman repeatedly attempts to push her shopping cart through a laden u-boat stock cart, seemingly bewildered that the laws of physics are unwilling to yield for her. (Nor, of course, does it occur to her to actually ask the nearby stocker to move it.)
  • It Seemed Trivial: A flower food maker gets a client complaint according to which their product is too acidic. The maker excludes both a manufacturing mistake on their side and a dosage mistake on the client's side. It can't be the water either, because this happens in a country where everyone gets the same ridiculously clean water on tap, and both companies are using it to dilute the product. Four weeks worth of tests later, both sides are stumped as to what the problem is. Until the client's representative casually mentions the hydrochloric acid they're adding to the water to prevent bacterial growth.
  • It's for a Book: This woman probably really is writing a book, but it seems to be a weird one.
  • It's Popular, Now It Sucks!: To the point where "popular" is "I've heard about this". invoked
  • It Tastes Like Feet: The complimentary coffee in this store, according to the OP, who works there. Doesn't stop people coming in for it though, because hey, free coffee!

    J 
  • Jar Potty: This boy really needed to go to the bathroom while out shopping and his mother let him pee inside a plastic cup. While this normally wouldn't be an issue, the problem was that she left the cup behind a mirror in one of the fitting rooms. Gross...
  • Jedi Mind Trick: This isn't the resort you're looking for.
  • Jerkass:
    • Often. Here's one that isn't even being selfish, just spiteful.
    • Here's another one. Hard not to feel bad for the guy's daughter.
    • Minor example here. A customer is asked to please not steal from the tip jar. His reply? "Too late. It's happening."
    • And another — an employee asks a customer to help make change for a hundred dollar bill; the customer agrees, then rips the bill in half.
    • This customer, too. More than twenty items in the 20-or-less items lane? Yep. Mouthing off people who try to make their kids behave? Yep. Encouraging the kid when he throws a heavy object at the cashier's face, causing them injury, and further saying they don't deserve to be treated with respect? Oh yeah. The worst part is, they got away before anyone could arrest their asses. One can only hope karma will bite hard later.
    • This mother's response to her son almost ramming a heavy cart into a worker? "Don’t worry sweetie. You’ll get him next time!" You heard that right — she's out to deliberately injure decent people.
    • This mother drags her sick kid to a coffee shop and keeps him there despite the kid's and other customers' protests, to the point where the kid throws up in the middle of the store. She gets a free coffee, and before leaving has the gall to say "See you tomorrow!" She's willing to repeatedly demean and traumatize her kid for a fucking drink. You can't get much more rotten than that.
    • This man throws some roaches at a pool employee to freak them out. Worse yet, he implies that he's going to try to scare them even more, which drives them to quit their job.
    • This asshole asks where the canned food is, but despite getting a response, refuses to do anything until the worker actually walks over to the aisle and looks themselves. After they go through that, the jackass doesn't even thank them and says “Fuck you, retard!” instead. He seems to believe two things — that workers are all incompetent even if they've worked there for a while, and they don't deserve to be treated with respect.
    • This husband and wife literally walk around the local grocery store just to insult the people they encounter.
    • These two guys here qualify because they're trying to frame innocent people, but the wheelchair-bound person especially so. Deliberately taking advantage of other people's courtesy is quite low.
    • How does this asshole thank a fast food worker for keeping her health in mind? Throw her meal at the worker, causing major harm to their face. She just then walks out without any regard to the worker's well-being. Presumably, everyone else there was so stunned by her monstrous behavior that they didn't stop her either.
    • Go read those labels for me! What, I can read them myself? No way! Clearly, you're lazy and don't have enough to do between your regular duties so I'm going to be an asshole about it!
    • This customer takes a phone from a worker's hands and tries to "fix" it, despite having no idea what he's doing. In the end, he smashes the phone on the ground and just walks out, saying that the thing is broken beyond repair.
    • This customer decides that a man using an electric scooter isn't crippled, even though he is crippled, and throws him off the scooter. When the manager comes and throws her out, she claims that this was unjust, vandalizes the store, and later files a complaint! Luckily, neither the manager nor the man ever saw her in the store again.
    • This criminal, upon realizing that he returned a rental truck too late and would be charged extra, tried to take the keys back. He attacked the worker and swiped the keys right out of their hand, cutting it. The police were called, but the worst part was that they wouldn't press charges because the criminal wasn't trying to hurt the worker — he was just trying to get the keys. Yes, he didn't mean to smash his shoulder into a worker and slice their hand open, he just wanted the keys. The keys he was supposed to return. To sum it up, he assaulted another person, tried to steal a company's property, and thanks to some corrupt cops, got away with it. One can only hope karma bites him hard later.
    • This old curmudgeon is blatant about taking advantage of a coffee pot from a cafe. He manages to down an entire urn (enough for thirty cups) and afterwards has the gall to complain that it's empty and demand it be refilled for him!
    • This man is so blatantly racist, he refused to even speak to anyone not white. Too bad the employee he did decide to flag down was half Native American, who quickly ejected the man off the premises.
    • This guy starts with Insane Troll Logic and escalates every time he's caught in a lie. When he calls the police and the operator refuses to talk to take his call because he's not part of the library staff, he makes up a bomb threat.
    • This asshole, after having her lie exposed, harms a ten-year-old girl in a fast-food restaurant, traumatizing the girl so much that she never returns to the restaurant. You can't stoop much lower than this.
    • This group of mothers who freeload at a restaurant and care not one bit that their daughters are making a mess of the place.
    • In this story, the submitter is given too much change, and upon returning it is thanked by the cashier, who tells him that she could have lost her job over it. The customer behind the submitter, despite clearly hearing all of this, immediately asks the submitter to give the extra money to him instead, since he "actually works for his money" or some other self-centered reasoning like that.
    • This customer kicks an employee who doesn't respond to her immediately (the employee has both hearing loss and vision problems on their right side, and the customer was whispering their request), and then tries to claim that the employee kicked her instead. It all falls apart when the submitter speaks up for the coworker; the asshole customer is thrown out, corporate hangs up on her when she calls to complain, and then when she for some reason calls the cops on the store, they review the security footage and nearly arrest her.
    • This asshole acts extremely discourteous to a nine-months pregnant woman, butting past her to get into a bathroom she was just about to use, reasoning that some other bathrooms were not too far for her to walk to.
    • The beginning of this one could practically count as a heartwarming moment, when the customer at a drive-thru chooses to leave a blank check to cover the bill of whomever came next. Unfortunately, the beneficiary turns it into a Moment of Jerkass when, upon learning this, he orders a ton of food and gift cards, to the tune of well over $100.
    • This doctor, who continuously reminds everyone that she's a doctor and is above everyone else, forces her way into a scholarship fund dinner despite being late for reservations, has the gall to demand a discount, is rude and egotistical in person, and doesn't even bother donating to the scholarship fund for which the dinner was raising money.
    • This customer brings 20 items into a 12-item-limit express lane, and when admonished and told to use the regular checkout next time, bluntly refuses, saying "express is faster".
    • This guy cuts his way past a deli line and fully states his intentions to steal a sandwich meant for someone else.
    • This gentleman sees the submitter sweeping outside the restaurant and proceeds to dump his entire ashtray on the ground.
    • This honeymoon couple got one upgrade to first class and want to sit next to each other, so they assume the submitter will gladly give up their first class seat to sit in an economy class seat. When the submitter refuses, they demand he be kind to them, since they are on their honeymoon. The flight attendant tells them to either both go back to their economy class seats or leave the plane because they harassed another passenger. They choose to go back to their economy seats and the flight attendant mentions that their account has been flagged to not give them free upgrades anymore because of their behavior.
    • This rotten man claims that a server lied to him about a coupon and as such wants his donation refunded. This request shocked everybody because the donation was for childhood cancer! The manager is even a breast cancer survivor herself. You really are on a different level if you're asking to refund a donation to childhood cancer.
    • This woman is mad that her daughter was "injured" by broken glass under a table (that the child shouldn't have been under in the first place). The injuries are very minor (a few cuts) and the mother goes completely ballistic and proceeds to grab several packs of jam and begin smearing them into the table and the chairs just to prove a point.
    • A woman walks into a children's clothing shop just to shout down and belittle an already frazzled employee while pretending she's a customer. Fortunately, an older woman whom the employee had just helped puts the other woman in her place and calls her out on trying to ruin the employee's day for no reason.
    • This group of women raise a complete fuss over two bottles of cheap French wine.
    • This woman gets mad that she can't use the bathroom so she proceeds to shit her pants just to make a point. She could be saying that just as a threat, but who's to say she didn't?
    • This guest at a major Orlando theme park believes the park's parent company owns the entire state, and demands they fire a worker at some restaurant outside the park, claiming she is owed a superior level of service because she spent a lot of money at the park. As the customer service rep tries to explain to her, that doesn't change the fact that they don't own the restaurant and have no authority to fire its employees, but she just gets increasingly belligerent and verbally abusive, accusing the rep of being the restaurant worker's "trash girlfriend". After the rep has had enough and hangs up, she calls them back at least twice, demanding that both the restaurant worker and rep be fired.
  • Jerkass Realization: There are a few instances where the customer realizes that they've been a complete jerk to others and make up for it.
    • This customer humiliates a server in front of a crowd of people because she's never seen a $2 bill before. He returns later to apologize.
    • This caller, after berating a medical office worker for following procedure, calls back to apologize for her behavior and say that she understood why the procedure was like that.
    • This hotel guest felt so bad about flipping out at an employee that the guest told the employee's boss about the situation, resulting in a raise and a complimentary penthouse stay for the employee.
    • This woman, who was convinced that a coworker who saved her kid's life was attempting to kidnap him. The next day, she comes back and apologizes, thanks him, and gives a glowing review to his boss.
    • This customer chews out a woman who parked in a handicapped space, assuming that the woman was perfectly fine and just taking advantage of the privilege. Once the woman rattles off a list of disorders that she has, the customer later apologizes for her behavior and even offers further help.
    • This man, after realizing that he was mistaken about a fast-food promotion and acted quite out of line towards an employee and manager for it, comes back and offers to buy a meal for them.
    • This kid acts hostilely towards a store employees, and decides to steal something in revenge. After the employee calls him, he realizes the error of his ways and returns the item, and becomes a more polite regular of the store.
    • This twentysomething man cuts off another person in a parking lot, parking in a handicapped space, despite his car having no such privilege. Once he sees that the person he cut off is a 96-year-old-woman, he helps her into the store.
    • A customer who flips out at an employee returns a few days later to apologize for her behavior.
    • This customer insults their driver over being a male with long hair, but after the driver explains he donates his hair every year to Locks of Love, the customer apologizes (since he had lost his son to cancer).
    • An elderly man bawls out a cashier over not honoring a sale that only takes place on Monday and Tuesday on a Wednesday (thinking it was still good on Wednesdays) and hauls them out to show them that he's right. When it turns out he's not, the embarrassed man admits to reading the sign incorrectly and is calm and friendly for the rest of the transaction.
    • A man acting like an Entitled Bastard in a restaurant drive-thru over a new trainee multitasking leaves feeling ashamed of himself (and later came in to apologize for his behavior per the word of the submitter in the comments) after the employee serving him indirectly calls him out on his behavior.
    • This person thinks a deaf employee is being lazy and physically attacks her. The customer even goes so far as to try and yank out her hearing aid. Fortunately the customer realized what they did.
    • A man flips his lid and shouts at the submitter when he comes back to get his truck from car service and discovers that the truck's floor mats had been moved from the floorboard of the truck to the back for safety reasons and storms out. The next day, he comes back to apologize for his behavior over such a small thing and gives the submitter a large coffee shop gift card.
  • "Join the Army," They Said: Minor inversion: “Don’t play baseball, they tell me; it’s a waste of time. Just get a job, they say! That’ll teach you what’s important.”
  • Joke and Receive:
    • This customer forgets what he's looking for. An employee jokingly asks if he's looking for memory aids, which turns out to be correct.
    • A customer pays for a $70 purchase with 70 single-dollar bills; the cashier jokingly asks if the customer is a stripper, and is surprised by the "yes" answer.
  • Just for Pun:
  • "Just Joking" Justification: Absolutely skewered here via Ironic Echo. Sadly, the customer (and said customer's friends) didn't seem to get it.
  • Just Plane Wrong: This customer reacts with dread when he learns his flight from London to Berlin will be in a propeller plane rather than a jet, because "if the engine stops working, the ‘plane will fall from the sky!", as if propeller engines are powered by magic and immediately rob whatever they're powering of all forward momentum the very instant they go out.note 

    K-L 
  • Karmic Jackpot:
    • This guy, who is having a bad day and has lost his job, chases out someone who was being verbally abusive to an employee. Karma kicks in for him almost immediately when the person behind him pays for both their drinks and tells him they have a job opening for a computer technician, which he gladly takes.
    • This university shop worker covers for a customer's remaining payment. It turns out the customer had some connections in high places, and the worker is treated to an in-person viewing of Leonardo DiCaprio.
    • This employee fixes a customer's laptop very quickly and charges nothing for it. The customer returns later with a case of beer as thanks.
    • At an airport on a stormy day, a customer tries to help move things along by directing all the fliers checking in to the self-check kiosks, so the agents can work on re-booking people whose flights got canceled. When their own flight gets delayed by the foul weather, one of the agents gives them a free lounge pass as thanks for their help.
  • Kick the Son of a Bitch: This DJ gets tired of dealing with a patron who absolutely refuses to wait for the requested song to come up in a queue, storms out, only to storm back in, forcing past security, moments later and starts attacking other patrons with a knife. As the offending patron gets arrested, the DJ plays the requested song "as a parting gift."
  • Killer Rabbit: "When was your last tetanus shot?" "Let me see... honey, when was I bit by that duck?"
  • Kindhearted Cat Lover: The most aggressive cat in the shelter gets adopted by one, who renames him Creampuff. Most of the shelter workers are convinced the adoption will fail and the cat's rehabilitation progress will be ruined. As OP learns, however, this is very much not the case and he is now a ball of cuddles.
  • Knife Nut: Two of them in this story — one with extra knives, and one who's extra nuts.
  • Know-Nothing Know-It-All: A lot of customers show up thinking they know best. None of them can be reasoned with. All of them are wrong.
  • The Klutz: This customer, who drops the phone and remote repeatedly until the call drops.
  • Lady Looks Like a Dude: Invoked by name here, by a rather disheveled woman.
  • Lame Comeback: One that's not even in response to an insult, made by someone who seems to consider everything at the store "stupid".
    Cashier: “Have a nice day!”
    Customer: “Well... you... DON’T have a nice day!”
  • Land of Faerie: They have natural lilac hair with blue tips, big grey eyes, and slight Irish accents. They come from Canada.
  • Language Equals Thought: "No, I want a JACKET..." The seller is from Washington and considers a "jacket" a specific style of outerwear regardless of fabric. The customer is from Arizona, and any item of outerwear is a "jacket". She wants a winter coat.
  • Large Ham: Some of the aforementioned Cloud Cuckoolanders.
  • Laser-Guided Karma:
    • This guy is rude and misogynistic to a nursing home employee. When his wife finds out, she hits him and calls him a jackass.
    • This boy is caught stealing candy and is forced to return it. However, his mother verbally attacks the store employee for being rude to him (even saying she doesn't care about the candy). She's about to physically attack the employee when her mother stops her and chews her out for her behavior.
    • This driver lashes out at a driver for being too slow while passing them and crashes into another car. Ironically, he also tells the driver to "learn how to drive" - when that driver was doing just that.
    • Another driver. She complains that she can't find an item at a store (which wouldn't be logically expected to carry it) and calls up to complain to the manager (who's actually the employee who told her they didn't carry said item). She then speeds out of the parking lot and cuts off a police officer who pulls her over.
    • A really expensive tantrum.note 
      "Karma's a b**ch, ain't it?"
    • Never underestimate karma.
    • They tried to push their way through a line, and got escorted out for it.
    • This gym member savagely insulted another person, and got his membership revoked when some other people told the manager — by the manager tearing the membership right in front of him.
    • In this one, a woman decides to berate another person in a supermarket line because she "had an important meeting" and whatever the other person was doing was obviously not as essential as what woman was rushing for. The kicker was that the meeting was an interview for a babysitting job, and the person doing the interview was the one she had so rudely insulted. Needless to say, she didn't get the job.
    • This scammer's scheme finally comes back to bite him in the ass.
    • A man acted belligerently towards a bank for a long time to bully some interest refunds out of them. On this particular call, he threatens to close his account, and the bank follows through with the request. As a result, all of the man's outstanding debts were automatically paid with the money from his accounts, leaving him with very little that will be sent to him, a far cry from the thousands he normally made off with.
    • An employee witnesses two girls, referred in the story as Girl #1 and Girl #2, checking out some pajamas. Girl #2 is the typical customer seen that doesn't put things back the way she found them because she's not paid to do that stuff, and Girl #1 tries her best to keep things neat. The karmic part comes when the employee later sees Girl #2 try to blame Girl #1 for something she didn't do. The employee steps in and explains what actually happened, getting Girl #1 out of trouble and Girl #2 into it.
    • Here, a customer acts extremely rude to an employee, and does not care one bit about the employee's complications, only that he has an interview to get to and that teenagers are lazy. Unfortunately for him, the employee happens to be the child of the owner of the company where the customer is interviewing. In the end, he wasn't hired.
    • There are several stories (like this one, this one, and this one) where some soldiers are using their service to justify terrible behavior, only to be overheard and chewed out by someone who outranks them.
    • After being told, time and time again, that her favorite coffee shop did not have room around the building for a drive-thru like its counterparts in neighboring towns, a lady tried to drive her car around the building to prove that they did have room for a drive-thru... operative word being "tried". Not only did the coffee shop sue her for damage to the building where she crashed, the neighboring residential area sued her for damage to their buildings from flying debris!
    • A old woman is constantly harassing the submitter, whom she believes is a teenager doing something illegal, despite the submitter repeatedly pointing out (which the old woman refuses to believe) that she's actually an adult who looks young. The old woman is banned from the store the submitter is working at and four years later, is also banned at the bar where the submitter and her friends were drinking.
    • This customer mocked another person who was paying with cash because the cashier was required by company policy to use one of those counterfeit-detection pens on the bills. Then she paid for her order with a counterfeit bill. (And her reaction to the cashier reaching for a detection pen looks suspiciously like she knew it was counterfeit.)
    • A man who refuses to pay for a locksmith job claims that he'll have the charges reversed. The locksmith then proceeds to throw the man's keys back in the car and relocks the door. His justification is pretty sound (but he did get written up): "If you're reversing the charges, then I'm reversing the job."
    • A smug girl had a temper tantrum when a popular Tattoo artist refuses to book her for an appointment as he's already fully booked due to his very busy schedule and didn't like her tattoo design. She then tried to discredit him by giving negative and rude reviews on his shop's Facebook page and Yelp, only to called out for her lies by the artist's past customers and was blacklisted by other tattoo shops around the city.
    • This idiot wants directions to the submitter's office, but for some reason refuses to tell her where he is, presumably expecting magical directions that will get him there from any starting point. When her manager intervenes, the guy throws in casual sexism for good measure: "Thank God — a man who will be able to give directions." The manager, annoyed with the guy's attitude, proceeds to give him directions at random — which end up taking him to a garbage dump.
    • An egotistical bully who routinely terrorizes employees and customers alike at a supermarket ends up getting his just desserts when he provokes someone stronger than him and ends up beaten up so badly he doesn't show up at the store for a couple of weeks. When he does show up (with a black-and-blue face covered in casts and bandages), no one feels very sorry for him.
    • When a woman is intolerably cruel to a girl with Down syndrome, who has done nothing more offensive than exist in a coffee shop, this local CEO witnesses it - and cites it as the reason why he will be shredding the application she recently put in with his company. The humiliated woman flees without her coffee.
    • This Polish cashier was given an envelope from a group of customers, who paid 16 złoty (about $4). Thinking it was a scam, they ripped up the envelope only to find a torn up 100 złoty banknote, which is about $26.
    • While shopping for a wedding dress, an irresponsible mother lets her young son run around the store and get several bridesmaid dresses dirty with cheesy handprints. She ends up having to buy them all.
    • This guy with a fancy car loads up his groceries and then shoves the shopping cart in a random direction rather than dealing with it properly. The moment he gets in his car the wind picks up and blows the cart back into his car, leaving a large scratch on the paint job.
    • A snobby customer who has been treating a clerk at a cell phone kiosk poorly throughout her visit waves off the clerk's offer for insurance for her new phone, saying: "Do I look like I need insurance?". She then turns on her heel, loses her balance and falls down from the maneuver, and drops her new phone on the floor in process, shattering the screen and leaving her forced to pay full price for either a new phone or screen repair since she rejected the insurance.
  • Later Installment Weirdness:
    • The addition of non-dialogue stories can be seen as a minor example.
    • After avoiding crossposting for a very long time, late 2020 onward has seen an increase in stories crossposted from various "bad customer" subreddits.
  • Lethally Stupid:
    • This mother lets her young son play around unsupervised with dangerous chemicals at a university lab, on the grounds that her husband is a chemist so he's used to doing such things. Of course, when the sink explodes, her first reaction is to yell, "Your wretched lab could have killed my son!"
    • This person demands a refund after the pet fish they bought only a week earlier died, even going so far as to accuse the pet store of poisoning it. It turns out that the reason the fish died was that the owner took it out of its tank... because they thought it was drowning.
    • The client in this story calls a technician round to his house to fix his network, despite the fact that he's in quarantine. He can't understand why the tech has a problem with this — after all, he's feeling fine, and look, he's wearing a mask! And yes, the tech got infected as a result — an asymptomatic case, as it turned out, although had they not overheard the client casually mention on the phone that he was quarantining, they could have ended up passing it on to goodness only knows how many people.
  • Let Me Get This Straight...: Somewhat common on here. A customer has a crazy, if not impossible, request. The store associate repeats it back to to the customer, just to make sure that he/she hears correctly, and often rephrasing it to highlight the implausibility of it. The (often Jerkass) customer will probably respond in one of several ways: "Well? Get going! I'm not waiting here all day!", "Argh, you're just being lazy/intentionally unhelpful!" or, best of all, "Exactly! God, is that so hard to understand?"
  • Let Us Never Speak of This Again:
    • After a customer realizes they're holding the Idiot Ball, they may apologize and then say this. One example featuring a customer who lost track of what day it was.
    • Said by the submitter in this story after discovering that the dead mouse they called an exterminator for was really a cat toy.
  • Life Imitates Art:invoked A physically deformed, sweet-natured person who does fine wood carvings.
  • Lifesaving Misfortune: This story is what happens when the "Why is my large and complicated order taking so long, I have important places to be!" customer's "important place" is the World Trade Center on September 11, 2001. One week later, the customer is back to thank the worker for the delay with his wife and daughter in tow.
  • Like Is, Like, a Comma: Um, like, literally!
  • Literal Metaphor: "Would you like to see my bird?"
  • Literal-Minded: That's not what the computer manual meant when it told you to plug in your mouse. For the sake of poor "Mickey," let's hope this was just a crank call.
  • Little Girls Kick Shins: In this story, a little girl kicks the shin of a horrible customer while saying "You! Are! Not! A! Nice! Man!"
  • Logical Fallacies: A fair chunk of the entries on the site are of customers who, when confronted with the fact that they might be wrong about something, choose to stubbornly hold on to their mistaken belief in the face of all evidence and logic otherwise. This leads them to some breathtakingly inaccurate conclusions.
  • Locked Door: Inverted here The guest didn't know that their door was unlocked because the locks use regular physical keys rather than cards.
  • "London, England" Syndrome:
    • "I would like a ticket to Paris, USA."(Perhaps an inversion of this trope, as the customer assumed this just happens because Americans are stupid, and ends up looking like a fool because of it.)
      • This Canadian manages to fall afoul of a similar situation, since it's not immediately clear to the cashier whether the customer is talking about the Canadian province of Ontario, or a city named Ontario.
  • Loophole Abuse:
    • Attempted by this woman. The daycare had a rule that parents must sign out their kids by 4 PM or face additional charges. The woman signed her daughter out on time, but left her there while she ran other errands for another 45 minutes. Luckily, the daycare didn't put up with her crap and charged her anyway.
    • This man, too. The restaurant had a policy that if the customer didn't get a receipt, their meal was free. What does he do? Shove the money into the drive-through attendant's hands and immediately speeds to the next window. The drive-through guy didn't have time to even offer a receipt, but that matters not. The speeder argues this point and sadly gets away with it. Drive-through guy wises up, though, and offers a receipt before taking the money next time the speeder rolls around.
    • This man wants a bunch of free ice cream samples in a cup. It's not a cup of ice cream, you see, because it's all free samples! The employee didn't put up with his crap, though.
    • This grocery store customer attempts this with coffee beans, which were priced by weight. As a single coffee bean's weight is minuscule (and therefore technically costs nothing), she bags numerous beans individually in an attempt to circumvent the pricing. Unfortunately for her, she didn't anticipate the automatic checkout to catch her tactic — it stops because she didn't combine them. The manager then weighs all the beans and bags she tried to make off with and forces her to pay the massive price for them because, according to them, they couldn't take back food that was handled.
    • The customer does have a point about a retail store's return policy.
    • This woman attempts this with taxes by trying just about every combination of filing possible in order to maximize her return.
    • This customer picks off one ingredient every time he orders a burger, so that he has another burger at the end of the week.
    • This lady walks into a movie theater with half a bottle of wine and attempts to invoke this trope.
    • This guy attempts to make up his own loophole after being told that, by city mandate, he must wear a mask while in the building. First, he declares that he's a concealed-carry owner and "knows the Constitution", then tries to invoke the "thirty-ninth amendment", which doesn't even exist. Repeating his boast about "knowing the Constitution" fails to impress anybody, and after being threatened with police action, he backs down and puts a mask on.
  • Lovable Sex Maniac: This guy prank-calls a video store asking for porno. Turns out they have an entire section. He turns into a polite repeat customer.
  • Love Overrides the Law: Subverted. In this story, a guy thinks he shouldn't have to pay for the damage he and his girlfriend did to a hotel room due to this trope.
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