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Music / Bob Rivers

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Bob Rivers (born July 7, 1956) is a retired American rock-and-roll radio personality in the Pacific Northwest, as well as a prolific producer of parody songs (most famously parody Christmas songs, which have included such gems as "The Twelve Pains of Christmas", "Wreck the Malls", "There's Another Santa Claus," "Teddy the Red-Nosed Senator", "Manger 6" and "I'll Be Stoned for Christmas"). His other claim to fame is songs about the Seattle Seahawks football team.

He has his own website. He can be heard on-air weekday mornings by clicking the listen button on the radio station's website. Interestingly, he's also a Contest Winner Cameo on an episode of Star Trek: Enterprise.

His work is often misattributed to "Weird Al" Yankovic, despite containing lyrics and themes that Weird Al has said he will not use (such as an entire song about screwing sheep and drug references such as "What if god smoked cannabis?"). Also, Rivers uses Classic Rock (like The Beatles and Led Zeppelin) as the basis for his parodies and employs tribute and cover bands to sing them (so they sound as close as possible to the originals), whereas Yankovic tends to spoof Top 40 pop music and sings on his records himself.

His music provides examples of:

  • Anti-Christmas Song: Many of his parody Christmas songs.
  • Basement-Dweller: "Asshole Son", parody of "Black Hole Sun" by Soundgarden.
  • Bestiality Is Depraved: "Dirty Deeds Done With Sheep" spoofing AC/DC's "Dirty Deeds Done Dirt Cheap"
  • Burger Fool: "Minimum Wage", parody of "Bullet with Butterfly Wings" by Smashing Pumpkins.
  • Black Comedy: Oh...boy. His Anti Christmas Songs are loaded. Songs about mayhem at the mall, a little kid singing about Santa getting stuck in the chimney and dying, and "Chipmunks Roasting on an Open Fire" which has an unhinged Dave Seville deciding that he's had enough of chipmunk mischief and roasts the trio for dinner.
  • Christmas Light Chaos: In "Twelve Pains of Christmas," the second pain of Christmas is said to be rigging up Christmas lights. The angry man who tries to do this faces several problems: the cord is too short and they have no extension cords, the lights start blinking randomly, a light goes out taking out the whole string and he eventually blows a fuse.
    [in the last verse] FINE! YOU'RE SO SMART, YOU RIG UP THE LIGHTS!!!
  • Clothes for Christmas Cringe: Many of the lame Christmas presents in "Didn't I Get This Last Year?" are clothing.
    A tie, a tie,
    Wider than a mile,
    With a pattern way out of style,
    With a pattern way out of style.
  • Crappy Holidays: Basically the main theme of his Christmas parodies, but exemplified by "Twelve Pains of Christmas", which features many different people singing about Christmas-related grievances, such as paying bills, hangovers, whiny kids, facing the in-laws "and finding a Christmas tree".
  • The Parody Before Christmas: He wrote the song "A Visit From St. Nicholson" about a man whose home is visited by Jack Nicholson as Santa Claus. Jack pulls up in a limo accompanied by the Los Angeles Lakers ("Now Magic, now Worthy, now Scott, and Kareem! On Cooper, on Rambis, and the rest of the team."), and after he gives out the presents he goes off on a rant about not being appreciated, throws the stockings in the fireplace, and torches the Christmas tree. The narrator thinks ruefully, "An age may unfold ere I fail to regret, that visit from St. Nicholson which I'd sooner forget."
  • Parody Commercial: "Manger 6" is a parody of Tom Bodett's radio commercials for the lodging chain Motel 6.
  • Recycled Premise: He did two different parodies of "Deck the Halls": "Wreck the Malls" (In the Style of Heavy Metal) and "Grahbe Yahbalz" (a spoof of Michael Jackson and the infamous crotch-grabbing in the extended video for "Black or White").
  • Special Guest: Richard Simmons on "It's the Most Fattening Time of the Year".
  • Teeny Weenie: "Three Inch Tool" spoofing "Only Wanna Be With You" by Hootie and the Blowfish.
  • Writing Around Trademarks: Instead of Alvin, Simon and Theodore, the Chipmunks featured in "The Twisted Chipmunk Song" and "Chipmunks Roasting on an Open Fire" are named Melvin, Squeaky and Thagadore.