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Mathematicians Answer / Jokes

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Mathematician's Answers in jokes.

  • Three logicians walk into a bar. The bartender asks them, "Do you all want drinks?" The first says "I don't know," the second says "I don't know," the third says "Yes, please."
    • Alternatively: "Do any of you want drinks?" "I don't know." "I don't know." "No."
  • There's a joke (with many subvariants) about a person who gets lost in a hot air balloon, asks someone on the ground where they are, and the person replies that they're in a balloon (perhaps with altitude and additional unhelpful details). The ballooner guesses that the person is a mathematician (or engineer, tech support worker, etc) because they've given an answer that's completely accurate but completely useless. There's often a second punchline that the ballooner must be in management, because he's in a fix of his own making, but is somehow making it someone else's fault.
    • Related joke: The pilot of a light aircraft is lost in fog. He sees a skyscraper looming at 2 o'clock. He leans out the window and yells to someone in the offices, "Where am I?" "In an aeroplane!" comes the reply. The pilot then sets course for a perfect landing at a nearby airport. Later, the pilot and guy from the office run into each other in a bar. The pilot thanks the guy for letting him know exactly where he was, and tells him he pulled off a perfect landing because of it. "How?" asks the guy from the office. "Well," says the pilot, "the answer you gave was completely accurate yet totally useless, so I knew you must work for Microsoft Tech Support, and I know where that office is in relation to the airport."
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  • There's a joke that goes like this:
    Person A: What does your dad do for a living?
    Person B: My dad's dead.
    Person A: Well, what did he do before he died?
    Person B: He sorta clutched at his chest and fell over.
  • There's an old joke about asking for directions that goes along these lines:
    Driver: Excuse me sir, but does this road go to London? (Or the name of any place.)
    Pedestrian: This road, sir? No, sir. Tends to stay right where it is.
    or: No, they keep it here and drive cars on it.
    • Related joke
      Tourist: Excuse me, sir. If I go down the street and take a left, will the train station be there?
      Local: You know, the train station will be there even if you don't take a left.
    • There's another old joke, where a tourist lost in New York asks a street musician for directions:
      Tourist: Excuse me, sir. How do I get to Carnegie Hall?
      Musician: Practice, man! Practice!
      • A harsher version.
      Person A: Excuse me! What's the quickest way for me to get to the hospital?
      Person B: Cross the road with your eyes closed.
    • And another
      Person A: Have you lived here all your life?
      Person B: Not yet.
    • Yet another
      Fat lady math teacher: Jimmy, pay attention! How much consumption until I reach Buffalo?
      Jimmy: Let's say twenty pounds of feed.
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    • One more
      Passenger: Does this bus go to Duluth?
      Bus driver: No, this bus goes beep beep.
    • And a more painful one:
      Hitchhiker: Is the city far?
      Driver: No.
      Hitchhiker: May I get in your car?
      Driver: Yes.
      Many hours pass by as they drive in silence.
      Hitchhiker: Is the city far?
      Driver: Yes, now it is.
    • A variation on the above:
      Hitchhiker: How long would it take to get to Miami?
      Driver: About two hours.
      Hitchhiker: Can you give me a lift?
      Driver: Sure, hop in.
      Four hours pass and they are still on the road.
      Hitchhiker: Didn't you say it took two hours to get to Miami?
      Driver: Yes.
      Hitchhiker: Well, then why's it taking twice that time?
      Driver: Because I'm not going to Miami.
  • An engineer, a physicist, and a mathematician are on a train in Scotland. They see a black sheep, and the following exchange ensues:
    Engineer: Look, sheep in Scotland are black.
    Physicist: Well, all we know for sure is that some sheep in Scotland are black.
    Mathematician: All we can be sure of is that, in Scotland, there is at least one sheep that is black on at least one side.
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  • Or this joke (when sitting at the table): "Can I have the butter?" "Yes." "Can you pass it to me?" "Yes. (beat) What, now?"
  • Some teachers are fond of using this when kids ask to go to the bathroom, especially when they say "can" (asking if they're physically capable) instead of "may" (asking for permission):
    Student: Mr. Smith, can I go to the bathroom?
    Teacher: I don't know, can ya? Sit down.
    • There are rebuttals to this joke due to the prevalence of this by teachers and parents. One is to remind them that having the capacity to do so also requires their permission, so you are not capable of arriving at the bathroom if they deny you access. The other rebuttal uses word rules since the definition of "can" does allow for the original question to be correctly used.
      "When I was using can I was using its secondary model form as a verbal modifier asking for permission, as opposed to expressing an ability. I thought since you were a teacher you'd know that."
  • Russian variation of the balloon joke: Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson, being drifted away in a hot air balloon, finally spot a cowherd below and ask him where they are.
    You are in a hot air balloon.
    Watson, we're in Russia.
    But Holmes, how can you know that?
    See, that man below is a mathematician. His answer is both correct and totally useless.
    I see, but what has Russia to do with that?
    Because only in Russia do they use mathematicians to herd cows!
  • In another Holmes and Watson joke, they go camping. At three in the morning, Holmes wakes Watson.
    Watson, look up. What can you deduce from what you see?
    From the starry sky? Astronomically, there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, Saturn is in Leo. Theologically, God is great and we are small and insignificant. Horologically, it's about 3 AM. Meteorologically, we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What do you deduce, Holmes?
    I deduce that you're an idiot, Watson. If we can see the stars, then our tent has been stolen!
  • "When I got home from work last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive so I took her to a gas station."
  • Someone waved at me in the street the other day. Then they said "I'm sorry I thought you were somebody else." I said, "I am."
  • Then there's the one about a man in a motorboat, clearly lost, who comes alongside another man in a motorboat and yells "Which way is land?" The second man bends over his compass and map for a moment, calculating furiously, then calls to the first man "West by north by half a north!" The first man screams back "Don't get technical with me! Just point!"
  • Another old joke:
    Customer: Waiter, what is this fly doing in my soup?
    Waiter: I believe that's the backstroke, sir.
  • There's a joke with more of a logician's bent: an omniscient being comes to Earth and tells the world that it will answer one question completely truthfully before disappearing forever. The world's philosophers, logicians and thinkers get together and discuss for a while, and announce that they've come up with the perfect question. They go before the omniscient being and ask it this question: "What is the ordered pair of the best possible question we can ask you, and its answer?" It responds, "That, and this." then disappears in a puff of logic.
  • Another joke:
    Q Where was the Declaration of Independence signed?
    A At the bottom.
  • Yet another joke:
    Q What ended in 1896?
    A 1895
  • Yet another joke:
    Q: Do you know what time it is?
    A: Yes.
    Q: Well, could you tell me what time it is?
    A: Yes.
    Q: Will you tell me what time it is?
    A: Nope.
    • A variation:
    Person A: Do you know what time it is?
    Person B: Yes.
    Person A: Thank you. (walks away)
  • A woman asks her husband, a computer programmer, to go to the grocery store. She tells him to buy a gallon of milk, and if they have eggs, to buy a dozen. He returns home with twelve gallons of milk and says, "They had eggs."
    • She tries again the next week saying "Get a gallon of milk, and while you're there, get eggs." He never comes back.
  • A programmer is going to sleep, but first puts two glasses on the nightstand. One is filled with water, in case he wants a drink in the middle of the night. The other is empty, in case he doesn't.
  • Another one:
    Q: Hey, what's up?
    A: Birds, clouds, aircrafts, the sky...
    A: It's a preposition.
    A: The direction away from the center of gravity of a celestial object.[1]
  • What is the definition of a bore? A man whom you ask "how you doing", and he starts answering.
  • Still more jokes:
    Waiter: How did you find the steak?
    Diner: I pushed aside the potato and there it was.
  • There is an old joke in the mathematics community that says that a logician is a guy who, when asked about his newborn child "is it a boy or a girl ?" answers "yes".
    • A joke with a similar premisenote : an expectant father is waiting in the hall outside a maternity ward, when a nurse appears and tells him his wife has finished giving birth, and he can see them now. The man says, “My wife and I have seven daughters and no sons, so I hope this one’s a boy so we can finally stop having all these kids.” The nurse says, “Your wife did not give birth to a daughter.” The man is relieved, and the nurse takes him inside, where he meets his newborn triplet daughters.
  • There is a joke about a guy who sits at a bar, and notices a girl nearby, wearing some very tight pants with no zipper nor buttons:
    Guy: Pardon me for the question, but... how does one get into those pants?
    Girl: Well, you can start by buying me a beer.
    • Technically, not a useless answer...
  • A Tiny Guy, Huge Girl joke:
    Tiny Guy: What would you say to a little fuck?
    Huge Girl: I'd say: "Hello, little fuck."
  • Another joke has someone mention getting a gift for a spouse, and receiving the response "Good trade."
  • A joke set in a mathematics class:
    Teacher: What would you get if you [insert complex equation here]?
    Student: The wrong answer.
  • One of the classics:
    I say, I say, I say, my dog has no nose.
    How does he smell?
  • Steven Wright once remarked that if he brought a chocolate cake to a party he would combine both white and regular chocolate mixes while making it, so if anyone asked if he wanted white or regular chocolate cake, he would simply say, "Yes."


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