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Testes Test

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"OWWW!! GUYS!!! Way to go, a-hole! Like, try and find my balls, for God's sakes! One, two, and three, okay. I'm okay."

A man has experienced a sensation that something isn't quite right, and the first order of business is to check that his genitals are still intact before anything else.

A common response to a Near-Miss Groin Attack.

Not to be confused with testing whether someone else has testes. Compare Man, I Feel Like a Woman.


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    Anime & Manga 

    Comic Books 

    Comic Strips 
  • A MAD cartoon shows the transformation from Bruce Banner into the Hulk. The Hulk then looks down his pants and appears pleased by what he sees.

    Films — Live-Action 
  • In Austin Powers: The Spy Who Shagged Me, after a fembot blows up in his face at the beginning of the movie, Austin moves his hands to his crotch, then faces the camera and announces, "Oh, thank God."
  • Discussed in Before Midnight. When discussing the difference between men and women, one character, who's been a nurse for many years, claims that when women wake up from comas, the first thing they do is ask about their families and friends, while every man she's ever seen wake up checks his dick first.
  • Big: Josh wakes up to discover he has aged seventeen years overnight. He doesn't believe it at first and looks to his genitals to confirm it.
  • The Cobbler: Adam Sandler gains the ability to transform into other people when he wears their shoes. He tries on a woman's heels to make sure this is really happening. One hand down his pants later reveals that it is.
  • A Dog's Purpose: Bailey realizes he's been reincarnated as a female dog upon looking himself over and realizing "something's missing".
  • In one of the Get Smart movies, Max shoves a gun in his pants and it goes off. He asks the Chief and his female partner to wait while he turns his back on them to check. The result? "Missed me by THAT much!"
  • Kiss Kiss Bang Bang: Harry wakes up in the hospital after a shocking ordeal involving electrical torture (to the groin) lots of shooting, a car chase, and a fall from an overpass. The first thing Harmony asks him if he's alright down there.
  • The Medallion: Jackie Chan's character Eddie has just died. His friend Arthur in the morgue confirming his identity, when suddenly Eddie appears and doesn't believe it when Arthur tells him he's dead. Eddie pulls back the sheet on the stiff and confirms its him because "I know my own thing."
  • Ocean's Eleven. Before setting off an explosive device that will cause a massive blackout, Basher cringes and shields his crotch.
  • In The Odd Angry Shot, Rogers steps on a mine whilst on patrol which blows off both his feet and destroys his jaw. Later his mates visit him in hospital before he is sent home. Rogers asks Harry to check if his testicles are still present (they are).
  • In Remo Williams: The Adventure Begins, CURE "recruits" an NYPD officer whose patrol car went into the river after a stake-out gone bad. When he wakes in the hospital, after officially being listed dead, one of the CURE operatives says they did some work on him. He checks 'down-there', and is told "Just your face."
  • In the TV movie A Rumor Of War the platoon sergeant (Brian Dennehy) steps on a mine. While being treated by the corpsman he asks the doc if his credentials (genitals) are OK.
  • Tammy and the T-Rex: Tammy and Byron go to look for a new body for Michael's brain after it was put into the body of a robot T-Rex and his original body is starting to decompose. They go to the morgue to look for a fresh body and comically take down sheets to waist level. Obscurus Lupa comments in her review, "Yes folks, our heroes are judging a dead man's penis."
    Tammy: No way.
    Byron: Oh, c'mon, he's perfect!
    Tammy: Not to me he isn't.
  • Once Bebop and Rocksteady mutate into their familiar forms in Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Out of the Shadows, after horsing around for a bit, they both pull out the fronts of their pants and look down, punctuating it with a mutual boast of, "My man!"
  • The Theatre Bizarre: In "Wet Dreams", Donnie wakes up from a nightmare where his penis is bitten off by his wife's Vagina Dentata. The first thing he does on waking is reach under the covers and check that everything is still present.
  • True Lies, when Albert "Gib" Gibson (Tom Arnold) is shot at and he hides behind a lamppost, as soon as the gunfire stops he checks out his "package".
    Gib: Oh, Thank God!
    [kisses his hand and transfers the kiss to the lamp post]

  • There's a joke about a man who gets in an accident with a Catholic priest. The priest makes the Sign of the Cross upon emerging unharmed, and the other man makes a similar motion. The priest says, "I am glad to see you are also a man of faith." The second man says, "Spectacles, testicles, wallet and watch."

    Live-Action TV 
  • Catch-22: Yossarian takes a piece of shrapnel across his scrotum while flying with Orr, and is patched up after bailing out of the plane by a village doctor who doesn't speak English, leading to him having to ask the doctor through pantomime if both his testicles are still intact.
  • Done twice in Doctor Who by the Eleventh Doctor, both times rather subtly. The first time he has just regenerated into his new body, and exclaims "I'm a girl!" when he feels how long his hair is. He quickly realizes his mistake, and a keen eye will spot where his hand went next to verify the truth. The second time he has fallen to earth in an "impact suit" that's repairing his body, but had to put it on while falling and has the helmet on backwards. A human asks if that means he will be repaired backwards, and his hand once again takes a quick trip south to make sure everything's fine.
  • Now and Again: After Michael Weisman is killed by a subway train and his brain transferred into a new body, one of the first things he did was check out his package. The doctor who performed the operation, watching through a two-way mirror, notes that that's always the first thing people do.

    Video Games 

    Web Original 

    Western Animation 
  • Futurama: In "Neutopia", Fry gets hit in the crotch, but it doesn't hurt. He checks and immediately notices he and the rest of the Planet Express crew now have No Biological Sex.
  • The Legend of Vox Machina: After surviving his dive into a pool of acid, Grog wants to see if "Captain Winky" is still there. Pike reassures him that it's "still hanging low".