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mario sucks pingas lol
—Swagmaster
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Guards 'N Retards is a machinima series created by SMG4. Primarily filmed in GoldenEye (1997), the series focuses on Chris and SwagMaster696969696969, two guards working at the world's largest spaghetti factory. Unlike SMG4's bloopers, nearly every character uses text-to-speech for dialog.

"Mario and the Retarded Spaghetti Factory", uploaded on February 2, 2014, serves as a pilot to the series. Guards 'N Retards would become an official series on February 23, 2014.


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This series contains examples of:

  • Arc Words: "Titty sprinkles!"
    • "Eyes on the prize, Chris. Eyes on the prize!"
  • All Men Are Perverts: To the point where it becomes a major plot point in "Pointy Things".
  • Ambiguously Bi: Swagmaster.
  • Antagonist Title: "The Butt Ninja".
  • Ax-Crazy: The psycho lady and Kevin.
  • Big "WHAT?!": Swagmaster's reaction to learning that the Very False Advertising tricked him into signing up for a crappy job.
  • Black Comedy
  • Bread, Eggs, Breaded Eggs: During "The Vacation", when Swagmaster is thinking about the hotel he and Chris are going to be staying in, he believes there will be butlers, hookers and hooker butlers.
  • Breaking the Fourth Wall: "God, screw this Nintendo game!"
    • "You people watching better pay me for this!"
  • Brick Joke: Bowser reading a book.
  • The Bus Came Back:
    • The Butt Ninja returns in "Swag Party Hostages".
    • Tubbie Wonka finally returns in "Le Train Breach".
  • Call-Back: "Is she a mental old lady who's obsessed with raisins?"
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    • "Don't make me nipple twist you again!"
    • "Le Train Breach" has many to the original Retarded64 pilot.
  • Catch-Phrase: "This is why they call me Swagmaster!"
    • "Yo, what's up?"
  • Characterization Marches On: The pilot depicted Chris as a slacker who only cared for himself, while the actual series has Chris petrified of his superiors and it is made blatant that he obviously hates his job. However, he does take his job seriously.
  • Chekhov's Gag: "Imma charging my lasers!"
  • Cloudcuckoolander: Swagmaster.
  • Comically Missing the Point: After the escaped prisoner shoots Chris:
    Swagmaster: You Bastard!! Who's going to make my sandwiches now?!
    • "Screams of rejoice!"
  • Crossover: Swagmaster hallucinates that he has entered the world of Super Mario Bros., only for everyone there to mistake him for a pedophile.
  • Deadpan Snarker: Chris.
    Swagmaster: Aww.. she ran away.
    Chris: Well, I wonder why?
  • Defeat Means Friendship: At the end of "Swag Party Hostages", the duo befriend the Butt Ninja and throw a party with him.
  • Demoted to Extra: Morgan Freeman only gets cameos in "Pointy Things" and "Prisoners", and is completely absent in "Swag Party Hostages".
  • Disney Acid Sequence: After Swagmaster eats a poison mushroom.
  • Driven to Suicide: Chris, at the end of "Le Train Breach".
  • Drives Like Crazy: Mario.
  • Dumb Is Good
  • Groin Attack: Mario performs one on Tubbie Wonka.
    • The Butt Ninja also performs one on Swagmaster. He then attempts to get revenge on him for a chunk of the episode.
      Swagmaster: My ballls...
    • Kevin shoots Mark in the groin.
      Mark: Ow! My children!
    • NUT SHOT!
    • Literally in "Swag Party Hostages": Swagmaster unleashes "Mega Swagalicious Pingas", which summons a giant fist from his crotch to punch anyone in his path.
      • Happens literally again in "Le Train Breach".
    • "NOT THE BALLS!"
  • Freeze-Frame Bonus: The number of prisoners who have died from SWAG heart attacks is 24,564,326.
  • Funny Background Event: Swagmaster going on a rant about Sargeant Mark.
  • Gone Horribly Wrong: Swagmaster has Chang, his Asian midget messenger, deliver a letter to a pointy boob lady in the hopes of getting pointy boobs. She thinks that Chang is cute and goes on a date with him.
  • Hypocritical Humor: Swagmaster tells Chris that he has friends like the Butt Ninja, only for him to shoot Swagmaster.
    • Swagmaster convinces Mario that he is not going to hurt anyone. He then mistakes Luigi for Admiral Greg and starts shooting away.
  • Jerk Ass: Sargeant Mark.
  • Jerk Ass Has A Point: Swagmaster in "Le Train Breach".
    Swagmaster: As much as you're having fun and being pissed, maybe we should be chasing the spy right about now.
  • Jerk with a Heart of Jerk: Swagmaster, most notably in "Swag Party Hostages".
  • Killed Off for Real: Mark's mother.
  • Lampshade Hanging: "What kind of spaghetti factory has nuclear rockets?!"
  • Made of Explodium: Morgan Freeman.
  • Madness Mantra: BOOBIES BOOBIES BOOBIES
  • Manchild: Swagmaster.
    Swagmaster: I need to take a pee pee!
  • Meaningful Name: Swagmaster, again.
  • Motor Mouth: While this is not the case when he talks, Tubbie Wonka can play his ocarina very fast.
    • Swagmaster, most notably when he gets angry.
      Swagmaster: HOLYSHITWHATHASTHEWORLDCOMETO?! CHRISWASINVITEDTOASWAGPARTYBUTIWASNT!? YOUSONOFABITCH IAMTHEMOSTSWAGGIESTPERSONINTHEWORLD!
  • N-Word Privileges: Censored in the pilot, left undone for the rest of the series.
  • Naked People Are Funny: How Mario is usually depicted.
  • Never My Fault: "Swagmaster did all of it!"
    • Chris and Swagmaster get scolded after Swagmaster tries to hug Chris.
      Swagmaster: Now they think we're homos. Thanks a lot Chris!
  • Never Say "Die": Inverted.
  • New Powers as the Plot Demands: Swagmaster uses "Mega Swagilicious Pingas" Punch on the villain in "Swag Party Hostages". See also Non Sequitur.
  • No Name Given: Swagmaster's real name is never revealed.
    • Also with the Butt Ninja.
  • Non Sequitur
  • Noodle Incident: "I can explain... why there's a rocket launcher up Gavin's butt."
    • "Where'd my underwear go?!"
    • "And then you passed out- (boom)"
  • Oh, Crap!: Used frequently.
  • Precision F-Strike: "Mamaf*cker!"
    • "Get that motherf*cker!"
    • Chris's reaction to the fact that Morgan Freeman is about to blow him up is a simple "ah shit."
    • His reaction to getting "promoted" to a prison guard is a simple "shit."
    • "F*ck."
    • "Dafuq?"
  • Product Placement: The ending to "The Butt Ninja" contains an advert for SMG4's online shop.
  • Reality Ensues: Greg once got a magical spell book. When Swagmaster tells him to kill Ivan, Greg messes up four times (one spell crushes Chris, the other two are useless summons, and the last one makes Swagmaster feel fabulous) due to being new with the book. It takes him at least a minute for him to master it, showing that not everyone will quickly become an Instant Expert when they received a power that they're new with.
  • Reveal Shot: In the first few moments of "Swag Party Hostages", when Chris finds Sergeant Mark.
    Chris: Oh God. If his ugly yellow ass is not in here...
    Sergeant Mark: What was that about my ugly yellow ass?
    The camera zooms out a bit to reveal the Butt Ninja, coming back from the first installment.
  • Ripped from the Headlines: In "Le Train Breach", Swagmaster pretends to have ebola so girls will be attracted to him. Needless to say, it doesn't go well.
  • Running Gag: Morgan Freeman.
  • Sarcasm Mode
    Chris: Oh shit! Swagmaster, are you okay?
    Swagmaster: Do I f*cking look okay, dumbass?
    • "Nice aiming, asshat!"
  • Screams Like a Little Girl: Chris.
    • Also the person who kept Chris and Mark hostage.
  • Self-Deprecation: When the lady in jail spazzes out, a brief caption appears saying "quality animation".
    • While Swagmaster watches one of SMG4's videos, Chris tells him to "stop watching those gay-ass videos".
    • In-Universe; Swagmaster cannot believe that Chris trusted him.
      Swagmaster: You actually trust the bullshit that comes out of my mouth?! When did you stoop so low Chris?
  • Shout-Out: Has its own page.
  • Sir Swears-a-Lot: Swagmaster.
  • Stock Scream: A Wilhelm scream can be heard when the Butt Ninja shoots his first victim.
  • Stylistic Suck: Guards N' Retards can be seen as combining poor character designs, synthetic voices, and lack of effort into a big parody of suckish episodes.
  • Synthetic Voice Actor: Everybody. It's rare for a character not to be voiced this way.
  • Take That!:
    • Swagmaster really hates Justin Bieber.
    • Swagmaster has also talked about murdering The Wiggles.
    • Swagmaster tells Chris that the escaped prisoner looked like "a rectangle with creepy-ass eyes. The first thing Chris thinks of is Barney.
      Chris: Oh jeez, we're screwed!
    • In "The Vacation", Swagmaster is afraid to go into the water as a result of watching Shark Tale.
      Swagmaster: Have you ever seen Shark Tale?! (suffers flashbacks to the movie) that shit scars a man.
  • They Killed Kenny Again: Mark dies multiple times throughout the series, but always manages to come back by the next episode. Lampshaded in "Le Train Breach".
    Swagmaster: He's died, like, three times already!
  • This Is for Emphasis, Bitch!: "I'm back, bitches!"
    • "GOTCHA, BITCH!"
    • "Swag. Swag. Swag. Bitch."
  • Title Drop: "Is the butt ninja up there?"
  • Trademark Favorite Food: Mario's love for spaghetti which is what drives him to go to the factory in the first place.
  • Trigger Happy: Swagmaster.
  • Troll: Tubbie Wonka.
  • Unfortunate Name: The Butt Ninja.
    • Swagmaster's alter ego, Old Lady Mc Fag.
  • Unusual Euphemism: Many throughout the course of the series.
    Chris: What the mother duck is going on here?!
  • Wham Line:
    • PREPARE YOUR BUTTHOLE.
    • When Chris and Swagmaster tell Mark that they know about the TNT in "Da bomb" after they've tied him up.
      Mark: TNT... is that what this is about? The boss ordered me to get that, you retards!
  • Whole Episode Flashback: "The Vacation" serves as this to explain where Chris and Swagmaster have been for the past year. By the time Swagmaster is ready to start the episode, the video ends.
  • You Bastard!: Used by Mark and later Swagmaster.

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