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Literature / Ultra Fuckers

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Tony dreads the idea of going to his wife's company dinner party in Eagle Hills; the new upper-middleclass gated community that just popped up outside of Scottsdale, AZ. He hates these Southwest-style planned suburban neighborhoods. All of the streets look the same. All of the houses look the same. All of the people look the same. Because everything in Eagle Hills looks exactly the same, Tony has trouble finding the dinner party. He quickly becomes lost in the sea of red tile roofs. The streets seem to go on forever. The addresses don't seem to make any sense.
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After hours of navigating the suburban labyrinth, Tony discovers that there is something terribly wrong with the Eagle Hills gated community. There is something unnatural about the houses around him. There is something inhuman about the people staring at him through the windows. And no matter how far he drives, he can't seem to find his way out.

Ultra Fuckers is a short Bizarro Fiction story by Carlton Mellick III.


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This work contains examples of the following Tropes:

  • Arc Words: "Two things Tony never wanted for his life were..."
  • Closed Circle: No matter how far Tony drives, he just can't seem to get out of Eagle Hills. It's because Eagle Hills is constantly growing.
  • Exact Words: Tony tries to ask for help from an automated drive-thru, saying "I'm lost and could really use some directions. Could you please help?" This results in him receiving a printout of directions to the nearest park (because he didn't specify what he wanted directions to), which at the bottom has a header called "help" that says, "Beware the cyclops." He also gets billed $3.31 for the directions and $4.98 for the help. The advice is terrible, by the way. The cyclops is perfectly friendly.
  • Grew Beyond Their Programming: The cyclops girls are flawed version of the mundanes that have developed self-awareness.
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  • Hive Mind: The cyclops girls have one.
  • Implausible Hair Color: The "mundanes" have Asian features but blonde hair.
  • Long List: The directions Tony gets for how to get out of Eagle Hills are ten pages long, with each page containing about a hundred streets he needs to drive down.
  • No Celebrities Were Harmed: The foreword mentions that there is in fact a Japanese punk band called the Ultra Fuckers, but they are not much like the character in the story. The fiction Ultra Fuckers are instead based on a mix of several other existing punk bands.
  • The Quincy Punk: The Ultra Fuckers. They like to yell loudly and break things, and that seems to make up most of their personality.
  • Stepford Suburbia: Taken Up to Eleven. In Eagle Hills all the streets look the same with some minor differences, have the same name with minor differences, and each family even consists of the same people with minor differences.
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