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Literature / The Hash Slinging Slasher

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The Sash Ringing... the trash-singing... mash-flinging...

"The Hash Slinging Slasher" is a short story written by struggling artist, clarinet-expert and restaurant cashier Squidward Tentacles. Originally written as a way to scare his good friend SpongeBob SquarePants into behaving properly while working the night shift at his terrible job, the story has been praised for its frightening nature and haunting realism.

The story tells the tale of the life of an unnamed fry cook just like SpongeBob - only clumsier. One night while cutting patties, he cut off his own hand by mistake - only he wasn't a sponge, so it didn't grow back. Then, he got hit by a bus. Then at his funeral, he was fired. So now, every Tuesday night, his ghost appears to wreak horrible vengeance upon the Krusty Krab. There are three signs that foretell his arrival - first, the lights will flicker on and off. Second, the phone will ring, and there will be nobody there. Finally, he arrives in the bus that ran him over. Then, he crosses the street without looking both ways - because he's already dead - then he taps on the window with his grizzly spatula hand. He opens the door and slowly approaches the counter, and finally: HE GETS 'YA!


List of tropes that appear in The Hash Slinging Slasher:

  • Afterlife Express: The third sign of the Slasher's approach: he arrives in the ghost of the bus that ran him over.
  • An Arm and a Leg: The Slasher's Start of Darkness began when he accidentally lopped off his hand while cutting patty meat — and because he wasn't a sponge, his hand didn't grow back.
  • Bad Boss: Seriously, how much of a jerk do you have to be to fire your employee at his funeral after his horrible demise?
  • Burger Fool: The Slasher was just a clumsy fry cook whose employment indirectly led to his dismemberment and death.
  • Electromagnetic Ghosts: The Slasher's arrival is heralded by the lights flickering on and off.
  • Evil Phone: The second sign of the Slasher's arrival: the phone will ring, and there will be no one there.
  • Obviously Evil: Artists' depictions of the Slasher typically show him as a hunchback with brightly glimmering red eyes and a Face Framed in Shadow.
  • Rule of Three: The three signs that tell of the Slasher's oncoming arrival:
    • First, the lights will flicker on and off.
    • Next, the phone will ring, and there will be nobody there.
    • And then the walls will ooze green slime! Wait, scratch that one.
    • Finally, the Hash-Slinging Slasher will arrive in the bus that ran him over, exit and crosses the street, without looking both ways (cause he's already dead), opens the door with his spatula hand, slowly approaches the COUNTER, and then HE GETS YA!
  • Skewed Priorities: After the untimely death of his employee, the Slasher's boss carefully takes the time to arrive at his funeral just to fire him.
  • Speak Ill of the Dead: Perhaps the primary motive for the Slasher's revenge is his boss firing him at his funeral.
  • Swiss Army Appendage: The Slasher replaced his missing hand with a rusty spatula, which he presumably now uses as his main weapon when HE GETS YA!
  • Trauma Conga Line: Hey, you'd be a bit irritable too if you accidentally chopped of your hand, got hit by a bus, and got fired at your funeral.
  • Unfinished Business: Every Tuesday night, he returns from the grave to take revenge on the restaurant that mutilated him.

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