Within these hallowed pages, we learn the sacred truths about how global warming is caused by a decline in pirate population and how people growing taller is a side effect of overpopulation. The later link is caused by the fact that gravity is a spiritual force. The secular "theory of gravity" is "just a theory", and these "Newtonists" should not be allowed to monopolize the physics hours in school. In reality, gravity is caused by FSM gently pushing everyone down with His noodly appendages. There are more people now than in the stone ages, and thus there is less gravity left for each individual human. That's why we grow taller now.
Has examples of:
- Artistic License History: Hollywood and historians alike got it all wrong. Pirates were peaceful, fun-loving and mischievous. The claims that they were thugs, thieves and murderers is evil propaganda spread by heretics.
- Black and White Morality: Those who disagree with anything said in these pages are clearly evil. Take, for example, the issue of discovering land, described under Science Is Wrong. Discovering new land would give us more farming land, so people who don't believe in superscience clearly want children to starve.
- The Commandments: Eight of those. Well, ten, actually, but Mosey the pirate captain dropped two of the stone tablets as he walked down Mount Salsa.
- Fan Flattering: The book claims that followers of pastafari don't consider themselves superior, since they aren't self-righteous bastards like everyone else... wait, what?
- God Is Flawed: The Flying Spaghetti Monster caused the great flood by accident. When making pasta, the drain of the heavenly kitchen sink emptied itself straight down to Earth.
- The Golden Rule: The spirit of the rule is played straight, while the literal wording of the biblical version is played with in the 8th commandment. FSM really prefers if we don't do stuff to others that we would like them to do to us but they don't want us to do to them. Oh, and that goes especially for rough sex.
- Gravity Is Only a Theory: Claims that "gravity" is actually the Flying Spaghetti Monster gently pushing us down with his noodly appendages. This theory is supported by the fact that people are taller now than during the stone age, and also more numerous. Clearly, there is less gravity for each of us these days, and thus, we grow taller.
- Heteronormative Crusader: Very self-consciously averted in the chapter on pirates and wenches. This main text of chapter takes for granted that pirates (the chosen people!) are male and heterosexual. However, little footnotes exclaim that women can be pirates too and that same-sex relationships are entirely okay in His eyes.
- Insane Troll Logic: Or "True Pirate Logic", as any true pastafarian would surely prefer to call it. Examples on nearly every page.
- In Their Own Image: The creationists got it all wrong. It is not humans that were made in God's image. No, it is spaghetti and meatballs!
- Parody Religion: Originally started as a Memetic Mutation parody of Christianity.
- The Pirates Who Don't Do Anything: Pirates didn't do any actual piracy: all they did throughout history was hang around and be cool.
- Poe's Law: Satire? Not according to the book itself, but it is said that the author himself has publicly said that it is. The line is blurred by the fact that so-called "Pastafarians" have attempted to take Poland to European court as a response to not allowing them status as a recognized religion. If it's satire, it's a rather long way to go for a joke. If it's real, then it's become something more than a Parody Religion.
- Religion Is Right: Like all the big religions, Pastafarianism maintains that it is right and that other religions have failed to grasp the true nature of God. Or something.
- Science Is Wrong: Supernatural Science, or Super Science for short, is much more flexible and should be used whenever real science doesn't fill the needs for whatever political manipulation you happen to be up to. Besides, humans evolved from pirates rather than primates. Also, the fact that more land was discovered from 1400 to 1800 (a time when Super Science was more popular) than from 1800 to 2000 proves that Super Science is better.
- What Would X Do?: There's an entire chapter on "What Would A Pirate Do?"