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Literature / Sausagey Santa

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Santa isn't the jolly old elf as portrayed in Children's stories. He's a bit more grotesque than that. His eyes are pimento-stuffed olives, his teeth are walnuts, and his body is made of sausages.

One snowy Christmas Eve, while visiting the Fry family, Sausagey Santa is attacked by an evil force that is driven to destroy Christmas forever. It is an anti-Christmas spirit that loathes everything having to do with children and Jesus. His name is Frosty the Neo-Nazi Snowman. After Frosty steals his magic bag of presents, Santa calls upon Matthew Fry and his wife, Decapitron (a brutish warrior woman with a peculiar Christmas fetish and a candy cane sword), to help get it back and save Christmas for everyone.

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This novella contains examples of:


  • Bad Santa: Santa used to be evil and condemned to perform good deeds for all eternity. He eventually had all his evil extracted from him so that he could enjoy his altruistic existence.
  • Butt-Monkey: Matthew is abused by his wife, raped by an elf, permanently shrunk to elf-size and just generally dunked on by the entire universe. He takes it with more aplomb than is usual for this trope, though - he's Sly Guy Fry, after all.
  • Child Hater: Santa used to be this, which is why he was sentenced to the Ironic Hell of being a Friend to All Children forever.
  • Complete Immortality: Santa can't die, ever. He was once desperate enough to put himself through a meat grinder, but he's still alive, just stuffed in a sausage skin.
  • Creepy Good: Santa looks positively nightmarish, but he's kindly and benevolent.
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  • Double Standard: Rape, Female on Male: The female elf rapes Matthew by means of underwear teleportation (it Makes Just as Much Sense in Context). This is treated as no big deal and just another minor humiliation he has to put up with.
  • Incredible Shrinking Man: Matthew is shrunk down to elf-size to make his cooperation with the elves easier. He's then casually informed that there is no way to reverse to process.
  • Shadow Archetype: Frosty is the immortal evil of Santa, taken physical form after it was excised from him.
  • World Half Empty: Matthew's sentiment in the end. Things weren't perfect before, they aren't perfect now, but life goes on.

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