Close this tab, delete your most recent browsing history, and while you're at it, close the browser which you're concurrently reading this.
No, really. Close it immediately. Don't look at another word.
What are you waiting for? It's for your own good, really, for if you continue to read this article about my humble memoir, Mister B. Gone, penned by one Mr. Clive Barker, you will only get yourself into more and more trouble. Mind-rending, soul-shattering, sanity-obliterating trouble. You'll go utterly mad, forgetting all that you were, all because you kept on reading this page.
Who am I? I am your humble servant, Jakabok Botch, and I have been trapped in this state for hundreds of years, having endured such unimaginable pain that you would be better off not finishing this article.
If you are the merciful type, you will end my suffering and Close. This. Tab. Immediately. I have experienced so much suffering in my long life that it would be a great relief to me if you didn't bother being within my vicinity.
Why must you continue reading? Are you so morbidly curious about this book that you won't perform this one act of kindness without hearing more about it?
Oh, very well. I suppose the miserable tale of my long, wretched life must amuse you. But you must promise that when you are done you will delete this page and end my centuries-long torture.
This book contains examples of:
- Abusive Parents: Pappy Gatmuss, who would often come home plastered to the gills and beat me until I howled in pain. He beat my Ma, too, but see The Stoic, below.
- Ain't Too Proud to Beg: Not if it means you'll finally put me out of my misery. Please.
- Alas, Poor Villain: Yes, I've committed horrific atrocities over the years, but surely you can have some burning compassion for my current situation?
- Alien Geometries: Ever try to watch an Angel and a Demon
arguingnegotiating? It's really quite epic.
- And I Must Scream: ...Yes.
- Baddie Flattery: A flatterer? Moi? Oh, certainly not! Don't be so modest, Troper. I know someone with your steadfast integrity, depthless compassion, and shining intellect is just the sort of person who'd find it in their heart to help me. I can only hope someday a reader's vain enough to fall for this.
- Beast and Beauty: My partner Quitoon was always the pretty one. Me? Not so much.
- Berserk Button: You can stab me with your blade, but laughing at me and calling me an abomination? Unforgivable. I see you smirking at me, Troper.
- Black Comedy
- Blood Bath: There's nothing like a relaxing bath in a tub of baby blood, although it's a bitch to keep the little critters alive long enough so the bath would be warm when I empty their blood into the tub.
- Brown Note: I tried to warn you at every turn, but noooooo...
- Cold-Blooded Torture: This happens frequently throughout my tale, some of it perpetrated by humans, but it's child's play compared to what I have in store for you if you don't delete this page...
- Compelling Voice: I got that from my Ma. I'm very proud of it - but it doesn't work on anyone who's deaf.
- Cool Sword: Quitoon had such a beautiful blade that showed me the intense physical beauty of the world as I used it, like the black and blue with orange specks of a grown man's cries, as bright as his blood. It also acted on a will of its own to great effect.
- Corrupt Church: You better believe it. Quitoon and I had some fun with these guys.
- Deadpan Snarker: At times, of course. If you were exposed to the kind of things I've experienced, it helps to throw a little bile in their direction.
- Deal with the Devil: Wanna make one? I can give you anything your heart desires, truly. There's just one little favor you have to do for me.
- Death Seeker: To be honest, I have no idea what will happen to me once my book is burned, but even Cessation of Existence has got to be better than this.
- Despair Event Horizon: There's nothing quite like being Touched by an Angel (yes, actual angels) and knowing that you will never see the sort of glorious beauty that they represent because you're just not supposed to experience it to make someone like me completely snap.
- Does Not Like Spam: Fish. The Nazarene's association makes them generally repulsive to my kind.
- The Dog Bites Back: Oh, yessssss... revenge is sweet, isn't it, Pappy G.?
- Even Bad Men Love Their Mamas: Ma was always watching out for me. She couldn't protect me from Pappy Gatmuss, but I'm grateful for her care.
- Evil Has a Bad Sense of Humor: But take a step down from that high horse of yours. I can see you sniggering along with me.
- Foregone Conclusion: You know I end up trapped in the book. So why do you keep reading?!
- The Fourth Wall Will Not Protect You: Of course it won't. I can reach out from the pages of this book and snatch your heart from your chest before you can blink.
- God and Satan Are Both Jerks: Heaven and Hell's little Slap-Slap-Kiss routine rather wears on one.
- The Grotesque: Oh, I originally got my good looks from my Ma, but then Pappy left me face-down in a bonfire for a few minutes while he beat the everloving snot out of her...
- Half the Man He Used to Be: Remember Cawley? The man who had Pappy G. and I captured in that net? Well, Quitoon's sword made sure that wicked smile of his was evenly split.
- Heterosexual Life-Partners: Quitoon and I become quite close friends during our century of travelling together. Then things get quite a bit more complicated, right at the very end. At least until I was shoved into that horrible press..
- Historical Domain Character: Some obscure German fellow called Johannes Gutenburg shows up toward the end.
- Humans Are the Real Monsters: Like you didn't know this already?
- I'm Having Soul Pains: A curious property about an angel's sword, really... although the wound was physically not deep, it laid my soul open to the core.
- Inescapable Net: The means by which I am hauled into the World Above. It was baited with steak and beer. I am, admittedly, a bit ashamed of that, but I did help Pappy G. get out. Too bad he was about two miles above the World Below when the rope snapped...
- Interspecies Romance: I do fancy myself a decent kisser, even with my lips burned off, and Caroline was quite a lovely girl until her face got boiled off.
- Kick the Dog: Or "exsanguinate the babies" in my case. I'm not a people person. Dear old Pappy saw to that.
- Kill It with Fire: Demons who can trace their lineage back to the First Fallen often come with nifty special abilities like calling fire.
- Knight Templar: You saw Corrupt Church listed up there, right? A smart Troper like you must've guessed this was coming. How they did love their fires.
- Like an Old Married Couple: I can't think of a better way to describe my relationship with Quitoon. Bickering with him was something of a hobby.
- Made of Iron: We of the Demonation are capable of surviving more stab and burn wounds than your fragile little bodies could. That said, it's still an unpleasantly painful experience.
- Meaningful Name: I didn't actually know the significance of the name Botch until I'd already made some very grave mistakes. Isn't that just a riot.
- Metafiction: Well, don't you think it was helpful to mention to you the great profit to be earned from telling my story? Clearly Mr. Barker knew.
- Oubliette: Trapped in my own goddamn memoir. How undignified. On the bright side, I can still communicate with the outside world...
- Our Angels Are Different: Such beautiful, beautiful douchebags...
- Our Demons Are Different: Oh, did I forget to mention that I'm a demon? Terribly sorry, it must have slipped my mind... I'm not the only sort found in this book, though.
- Painting the Medium: Such a flimsy thing, the fourth wall... I do so enjoy playing with it.
- Secret Diary: I used to keep a collection of notes regarding the tortures I wanted to inflict on my tormentors. Ma made me burn them all so that Pappy wouldn't discover the very large section devoted to him.
- The Divine Comedy: Of course Hell has circles. How do you think we sort out the damned souls of humans?
- Snicket Warning Label: Well, I do get up to some nasty things... and you can't say I'm not upfront about it.
- Son of a Whore: Ma might have been a whore that Pappy G. dragged home, but she was the best thing in my formative years.
- Sophisticated as Hell: I have my moments.
- Spiritual Successor: While my book is more comedic in tone, you can make a very strong argument that I'm this to Clive Barker's short-story Hell's Event (possibly even in the same universe).
- The Stoic: Pappy G. beat my Ma even harder than he beat me, but she never made a sound. Not even a whimper. I eventually find out that she refused to give him the satisfaction of knowing he'd hurt her.
- Unreliable Narrator: Oh, stop your whining.
- Villain Protagonist: At your service.
- Weirdness Censor: We demons know that paradoxes lurk everywhere... You don't see them because you don't expect them to exist.
- What Happened to the Mouse?: Don't concern yourself with the mention of my sister toward the beginning. She's of no importance to my story.
- Word Salad Title: It makes sense later, trust me.
- Worthy Adversary: You. If you've made it this far, or if you've finished my book, I have to admit I'm impressed. You've resisted all the cajoling and coercion of Hell. I still hate you, naturally.
- You Bastard!: I suppose you expect me to be happy that you're enjoying my story. Have I mentioned how intolerably awful my existence is?
- Oh, but it isn't just you. Your whole kind is into such dark tales of suffering. After all, why else would you keep reading my tale?
I couldn't help but notice that you still haven't closed the tab. It's probably for the best. I have a confession to make, though... closing this tab would have released a very angry, quite dangerous being upon the world - yes, moi - and of course my first order of business would have been to slaughter you and destroy everything you hold dear. Oh, don't look so taken aback. I do this sort of thing all the time. Not to worry, though, as I am very patient. Besides, there's always the next Troper. Say, maybe you could recommend this page to one you don't like?