Literature / Four Kids, Three Cats, Two Cows, One Witch (Maybe)

Four Kids, Three Cats, Two Cows, One Witch (Maybe) is a children's novel by Irish author Siobhan Parkinson and is one of her more famous and beloved stories, along with Sisters... No Way!.

The story follows four preteen Irish children in the seaside village of Tranarone.

• Beverly: A bossy boots, stuck-up and snobby. But also keen to learn more about the area.
• Elizabeth: A scatter brained daydreamer. Would be a complete Nice Girl if she weren't such a bully towards...
• Gerard: The youngest of the group; a Butt-Monkey who suffers from asthma and brings his cat everywhere.
• Kevin: A local boy and the oldest of the group. A bit prejudiced towards city people.

Beverly decides to take an expedition to Lady Island - an island on a tombolo beside Tranarone - when the tide goes out. What follows is a Coming of Age Story wherein the characters also encounter the mysterious Dymphna on the island (yes, she is the titular 'witch').

Provides examples of:

• All Witches Have Cats: If Dymphna is a witch, then it's very appropriate she has two cats.
• And Now You Must Marry Me: Beverly's story features this. The princess gets out of it through some heavy Loophole Abuse.
• Annoying Younger Sibling: Elizabeth sees Gerard as this though they are cousins rather than brother and sister.
• Big Sister Instinct: Beverley surprisingly develops this towards Gerard. Notably she stops Elizabeth from ranting about Fat when she sees how distressed Gerard is.
• Bittersweet Ending: The in-universe stories end with these (although Gerard's has a tragic end).
  • Elizabeth's is mostly positive but the children never turn back from the animals they're turned into.
  • Kevin's ends with the merman finding another family on land, and becoming human - only able to return to his first family occasionally.
  • Beverly's has the prince being told the princess doesn't want to marry him, after all the trouble he went through in the Engagement Challenge. But Beverly leaves the story open, suggesting they could get married in the future.
  • Dymphna's has the duckling getting trapped in cement for eternity, which isn't as bad as it sounds, as it protects her from the rain. The duckling appears to be fine with this arrangement too.
• The Boo Radley: Kevin spends the whole book worrying about what Dymphna is really like - having only known her as an eccentric recluse. While she is odd, they end up becoming friends.
• Broken Aesop: Beverley lets go of her snobbery towards country people after spending time with Kevin yet later chapters imply that Kevin has yet to let go of his prejudices about city people.
• Cats Are Mean: Subverted. Gerard's Fat Cat is only difficult because he hates being by the sea and Gerard has to carry him everywhere.
• Children Are Innocent: Subverted hilariously during Gerard's story when Gerard talks about how his heroine was only expected to grow up to be married. Beverley thinks to herself "is this boy only eleven? Where on Earth does he get these ideas from?" What's more is that his story features the girl getting pregnant before she was married.
• Cloud Cuckoo Lander: Dymphna. Played for Drama as she lives on the island precisely because she was ostracised for this.
• City Mouse: Beverly is the straightest example, or at least the one who gets the most heat from Kevin about it.
• Country Mouse: Kevin, although they're in his turf for the story.
• Deadpan Snarker: Beverley responds to most comments with sarcasm.
• Defrosting Ice Queen: Beverley again.
• Disappeared Dad: Gerard's mother was never married, and Kevin's is divorced from her husband.
• Downer Ending: Gerard's story ends with the young girl's mother dying of a broken heart because her daughter grows up among the cows.
• Fairy Tale Motifs: Each of stories told by the characters has elements from one or more fairy tales. Elizabeth's has Hansel & Gretel and Little Red Riding Hood. Kevin's has The Little Mermaid. Beverly's draws from a lot of general Girl in the Tower stories. Dymphna's takes from The Ugly Duckling. Gerard's doesn't have an obvious source, and it's the only one to have a tragic ending.
• Feminist Fantasy: In-universe. Beverly ends her story on a Maybe Ever After situation, with the princess talking her way out of the marriage contract.
• Fiery Redhead: Dymphna though more fiery as in energetic rather than aggressive.
• Fractured Fairy Tale: The in-universe stories from every character draw inspiration from various fairy tales, but subvert the familiar endings or tropes.
  • Elizabeth's has the children turn into animals and never turn back, instead having adventures of their own.
  • Kevin's has a merman leaving his family for a human woman and occasionally returning to give them presents, but no longer able to be with them fully.
  • Gerard's is a Changeling Fantasy in which the princess is more comfortable being raised among the cows, and her mother dies of a broken heart because of it.
  • Beverly's is a Girl in the Tower story, where the prince rescues the princess...and she reminds him that their marriage contract was with her father rather than her, and she would rather live her life unmarried for now.
  • Dymphna's is an All of the Other Reindeer fable about a duckling who hates the rain, and ends up trapped in a cement mixer and becoming a statue. She's actually happy about this, as the rain can't get her wet.
• Freudian Excuse: Hmm let's see...
  • Beverley is cold and cynical because her parents constantly row and her older brothers have grown up and left her alone.
  • Kevin hates city people because his father left his mother to move to England.
  • Gerard is timid because he's grown up without a father.
• From Dress to Dressing: Discussed by Elizabeth - who says if they were in olden times, she and Beverly could use their petticoats as bandages.
• Genius Ditz: Dymphna does some very odd things for very sensible reasons.
• Good Is Not Dumb: In Beverley's story, the heroes get their way out of tight situations through their intelligence and quick thinking while the villain is beaten by his own stupidity.
• Gratuitous Princess: Lampshaded. In Gerard's story he first says the girl is a princess but then relents and says she could be an heiress or just some woman of property. Beverley includes a princess in hers as well.
• Hair of Gold, Heart of Gold:
  • Played with. Blonde Elizabeth is imaginative and a little spacey but she's also very cruel to Gerard so she's not completely innocent.
  • Beverley includes a golden-haired princess in her story.
• Happily Married: Elizabeth's parents, in contrast to Beverley's who are at each other's throats and Kevin's and Gerard's who are split up.
• Hidden Depths: The children discover this about each other.
  • Beverly might be a little bossy and stuck up, but she's very sensible and develops a strong protective instinct for Gerard.
  • Gerard and Elizabeth are much smarter than they appear.
  • Kevin is more cultured than he is assumed to be.
• I Take Offence to That Last One: After Kevin gives Beverly a string of insults, the narration describes her feeling the end of her nose to make sure it wasn't pointed.
• Involuntary Shapeshifting: In Elizabeth's story the four children eat berries that cause them to turn into whatever animal they were most like.
• Loophole Abuse: In Beverley's story, a task is set where the princess's future husband must cut down a tree and carve a golden goblet out of it. One prince tricks his way into passing it - carves a wooden goblet and polishes it until it is a golden colour. The princess uses this later (see Standard Hero Reward below).
• Luminescent Blush: Beverly ends up with one after Kevin winks at her in the first chapter.
• Magic Realism: Elizabeth's ankle heals miraculously with Dymphna's lotion, Gerard's asthma goes away and there are local stories about the island being magical. The reader never finds out of course. The title says that Dymphna is a witch, but then has the 'maybe' in brackets.
• Maybe Ever After: Beverley ends her story this way, saying she doesn't know whether the prince and princess got married.
• Mistreatment-Induced Betrayal: In Kevin's story the merman leaves his family and marries a human woman because they showed him no affection.
• Not So Above It All: When Beverley and Elizabeth are eating ice cream together, Elizabeth drops the spoon and starts licking it out of the bowl. Beverley looks apalled for a moment before joining in as well.
• One-Steve Limit: Subverted. Dymphna names the cow after herself and both her cats are called Pappageno.
  Beverley: Doesn't it get confusing?
  Dymphna: Why should it? I call her 'Dymphna', she doesn't call me anything.
• Our Mermaids Are Different: In Kevin's story the merman loses his tail when he marries a human woman but regains it at night. He can never return to the sea permanently however.
• Princess Classic: Beverley's princess is long-legged with golden hair...and also smart enough to talk her way out of a difficult situation.
• Reality Subtext: invoked In universe example. All of the stories, especially Kevin's and Dymphna's. The merman leaving his family is a parallel to Kevin's own father leaving for England. While the duckling who hated the rain is a parallel for Dymphna not being comfortable living on the mainland.
• Reality-Writing Book: A variation. Elizabeth believes in getting stuck inside a story and there is an obvious parallel to the one she tells earlier in the book - the character based on Elizabeth ends up injuring her ankle and it gets cured with an odd potion.
• Sensitive Guy and Manly Man: Gerard is the sensitive guy, Kevin is the manly man.
• Sesquipedalian Loquaciousness: Beverley uses this a lot. Elizabeth exploits it to get her to listen to a theory. It works.
• Shaking Her Hair Loose: Dymphna when they first meet her. Seeing her hair down does seem to ease the children's suspicions a little.
• Ship Tease: Beverley and Kevin.
• Shout-Out: Gerard's story features a rich lady meeting a man in the forest and falling in love with him - only to later find out he's actually her bethrothed. What could that be a reference to?
• Simple-Minded Wisdom: Gerard and Dymphna show lots of it.
• Slipknot Ponytail: Elizabeth's hair comes undone after she twists her ankle.
• Standard Hero Reward: Deconstructed in Beverley's story: a princess is promised to a man who can beat a task her father has set. When the prince rescues the princess, she replies that she did not agree to the task. Also if she was to be literal about the task, she would be obliged to marry the prince's horse as he was technically her rescuer. The prince realises that she has beaten him in intelligence and takes her to his mother's house to live.
• Team Mom: Beverley. Elizabeth tells her she's worse than a teacher but it's Beverley's sensibleness that helps them out.
• Time Skip: The epilogue of the book skips two weeks later to the end of the holiday.
• Tsundere: Beverly is a mixture. She's rather cross to everyone - but shows a softer side around Kevin (it's implied she fancies him) and later a motherly side to Gerard. Elizabeth is a Type B; she's mostly nice to everyone but gets very bitchy to Gerard.
• Why Did It Have to Be Snakes?: For Kevin it's thunderstorms.
• Wicked Witch: Kevin is terrified that Dymphna is this, momentarily worrying if she'll fatten them up for her dinner. Then he laughs at his own silliness.
• Wrong Genre Savvy: In Elizabeth's story when the characters find a gingerbread house, Beverley assumes there is a witch inside. Elizabeth corrects her - it's a wolf instead.