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Lethal Chef / Fan Works

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  • In Blue Sky, Wheatley tries to bake bread with Chell. While her loaf turns out fine, his loaf becomes a rock-hard, smoldering monstrosity that manages to devour half of Chell's bread in the oven and is ultimately sliced up and used for target practice.
  • Neon Genesis Evangelion fics have a noted tendency to elevate Misato from her canon Cordon Bleugh Chef status to this. Examples:
    • Advice and Trust: In chapter 8 Asuka accuses Misato almost poisoning their penguin pet:
      Misato: But it's Shin-chan's night to cook! [...] That's way better than even my best curry!
      Asuka: The last time you fed 'your best curry' to Pen Pen, he spent the rest of the night staring at the ceiling and barking.
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    • Ghosts of Evangelion: Not even Third Impact can improve Misato's cooking skills. Two years after, Asuka still doesn't want to try anything her guardian has cooked.
      "Oh, and since you just woke up you must be hungry." She got up, heading for the pantry. "Why don't I —"
      Asuka's eyes widened, and she leapt after Misato. "No, that's okay! I'll make breakfast!"
      "Aw, but I had this neat idea for an experiment! All I need is some horseradish and some curry and —"
      "No, really, that's fine! I'm good here. Shinji made some rice balls before he left, so that'll be fine. Better than fine, great even! Shinji makes great stuff, right?" Her voice had a bit of a panicked edge to it.
      "Oh, you're no fun," Misato pouted, sitting down. "Fine, fine, we'll have Shinji's boring-yet-tasty food. But you'll have to try mine eventually."
      "Heh heh, sure, sure." Asuka's face turned a shade of green as she headed to the refrigerator to get the rice balls. She rolled her eyes and whispered a silent prayer to whatever deities might still exist that she be spared Misato's cooking for as long as possible.
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    • Once More with Feeling: Shinji has very bad memories of Misato's horrid cooking skills. When she tells him that he will be staying with her, Shinji is happy... until he remembers it means he will have to eat whatever she "cooks" again, and he gets terrified.
      Misato: I'll cook you a huge welcome home meal!
      Shinji: Oh...great. [thinking] Oh God in Heaven, not again, I can't go through
    • Aeon Natum Engel and its rewrite Aeon Entelechy Evangelion both give a grim in-universe justification: Due to reasons that differ between the two fics, Misato's almost completely lost her senses of smell and taste, and thus the only way she can enjoy her food is to spice it to levels that would test a champion hot food eater. She just hasn't learned to make separate portions for other people.
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  • Mido is one in The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time, and seemingly on purpose. Last time he cooked for Link's anniversary, his food was so spicy that it turned everyone into "combat flamethrowers". His food is so bad that Link offered to cook during his next anniversary, despite Saria volunteering Mido again.
  • Rosario Vampire: Brightest Darkness:
    • In cooking class, Rason Miyamosa often sets his pots on fire. In Act II chapter 4, his attempt at making spaghetti and meatballs results in a giant green blob that actually appears to be moving.
      Kurumu: So... can I try it?
      Rason: I wouldn't if I were you.
    • Yukari's cooking also leaves something to be desired. For example, in Act IV chapter 34, her attempt at cooking stew results in a Blob Monster that can shoot Hollywood Acid.
      Luna: Your cooking's going to kill Ahakon if it doesn't kill us first!
  • This Homestuck fanfic describes Dave as one, to the point where his sylladex refuses to acknowledge his creation as "spaghetti", or "pasta", or even "food". It takes him and John only a few bites to decide it was right.
  • Rainbow Dash in Assumptions isn't on the level of killing ponies yet, but she did manage to burn tea and insist Caramel still try it.
  • Derpy Hooves isn't much better in We're Gonna Get There Soon. Played for Drama when she's tasked with bringing snacks for the next Weather Team meeting, and she promises herself she'll prove to them that she's able to complete a task without it ending in disaster. She's on the verge of tears after several attempts result in flaming muffins, muffins that are simultaneously undercooked and overcooked, and turning the kitchen into a disaster area that gave Thunderlane's mother an aneurysm.
  • The Worst Bakers In Equestria is about a lethal chef competition started by someone who earned her cutie mark in bad baking. The cooks are so bad that they make biscuits that explode, somehow attract a bear, manage to swap a major ingredient with a sauce made of near-pure rainbow extract, which probably wasn't in the ingredients, to begin with, put a taster in a coma for a year, have eggs somehow turn out to have live chicks in them, make food that went straight back around to being utterly perfect, and the reigning champion, Rainbow Dash, somehow managed to create blueberry muffins, while trying to make cookies. Supervised. Nothing went wrong during the baking process, and blueberries were not an ingredient.
  • The Emiya Clan:
    • Kiritsugu Jr manages not only to make food that you can't eat but also to make food that eats you. Whatever he cooks somehow comes to life as some kind of Eldritch Abomination. This includes (but isn't limited to): Sliced cucumbers becoming tentacle beasts, boiled water becoming flaming water spirits, roasted chicken turning into an undead monstrosity that is almost impossible to kill, and fried bacon becoming sentient, escaping into the basement, building an underground civilization based on the worship of his daughter, and vowing vengeance on the surface world.
    • His sister Chiyo also cooks notoriously badly, but while her food might taste so bad it almost kills you, it's so healthy you feel like a million bucks afterwards.
  • Vili in The Tainted Grimoire put poison in the meal she cooked for Luso, Crow, Hurdy, Kanin, and Adelle when she mistakenly thought it was just seasoning.
  • In the Fanfiction story Percy Jackson Olympus Divided, Thalia Grace is said to be this, with comments suggesting her oatmeal was bad enough to put Artemis, a goddess, in the hospital. When she ate her own pancakes...she ended up in the hospital.
  • In the former series Naruto Alternate Dimension, Tayuya is described to be this, ending up turning a cheesecake into something from an alien movie that had to be buried in cement, her attempts at muffins ended up breaking holes through solid stone and randomly set things on fire just trying to make cereal. Tenten is also described to be a bad cook, blowing up a microwave at least once.
  • In More Than Human, Blossom is such a disaster waiting to happen around cooking that Buttercup declares that there is a 15-foot perimeter around the grill that is a "No Blossom" zone. One ruined batch of hamburgers later, Blossom reluctantly complies with her sister's mandate.
  • Rainbow Dash is revealed to be one in Magnetism, managing, like Sweetie Belle in the My Little Pony: Friendship Is Magic example, to liquify burnt toast. Fluttershy almost eats it to make her friend feel better, but Angel tosses it out the nearest window.
  • Ash Ketchum of Latias' Journey is such a horrible chef that he lit water on fire. Not burned, but actually on fire.
  • In Ronin-ai's Final Fantasy VIII universe, Irvine Kinneas is this, so much so that Squall Leonheart learned to be a very good cook in "self-defense".
  • Lind in Ah! Archfall! has terrible cooking skills, possibly linked to her lack of magic.
  • In The Non-Bronyverse, TD is a terrible chef, whose skills are on a par with Sweetie Belle's, as Rarity is unfortunate enough to experience first hand.
  • Legendary Genesis has Chef Muk, who's supposedly an exceptional cook in spite of her unsanitary habits. According to Dion, everybody at Arcanine's Academy has developed an immunity to her cooking.
  • Suki in The Stalking Zuko Series has food that tastes like congealed sadness and burned a roast to an inedible crisp. Sokka ate it anyways because he loves her. Justified in that she never had to cook before as the other Kyoshi Warriors did. She gets better in Not Stalking Firelord Zuko when she makes a dish that's tasteless but edible. She's learning.
  • Averted, but discussed by the main character of Sleeping with the Girls, who, being a human being from the Real World, points out that he isn't bound by the "Conventions" of the fictional universes he's in. As such, his cooking skills fall into neither this nor "Epic Win" status. At the bare minimum, he's shown moderate skill in making omelets- neither toxic nor blissfully amazing, they're simply normal omelets.
  • Tony Stark is a pretty sorry cook in A Past Encounter when he attempts to make pancakes and tries to cook them by sticking them in the oven, burning them into ashes.
  • In Parent Trap, Xander remarks that his mom can't cook, leading to this exchange.
    Willow: Can't cook as in not very good at it?
    Xander: No. She can't cook as in prohibited from doing so by the CDC, the Geneva convention, and several international agencies. Ever since... last time.
  • According to this RP blog Ryuuko and Nui are apparently these, as Nui, somehow, managed to burn an entire town to the ground with cooking, along with the fact that she used white phosphorus as an ingredient (going by that, she might have used a lot), and, apparently, when she and Ryuuko's cooking talents are combined, the result were brownies which are described to be "something worse than napalm made with household ingredients".
  • "Water + Veggies + Meats + Soy sauce + Yukari = nuclear bombs" [1].
  • In A Muggle Gap Year Charlie Weasley's cooking ability - or lack of same - is vigorously derided by his colleagues. One of them tilts her plate in an effort to identify his latest concoction and the food on it doesn't even move.
  • The New Kid:
    "This is worse than that time Lavender invited us to her house and tried to cook for us," [Neville] joked, shuddering at the memory of an orange-colored steak that tasted of raw fish and sweat.
  • In A.A. Pessimal's Discworld, the Guild of Assassins now employs a Domestic Science teacher. In her special lessons to senior girls on the Black Track, Joan Sanderson-Reeves teaches that the way to stop a man's heart is indeed through his stomach. Although in the case of certain beverages she prepares, she will accept "kidneys" or "bladder" as an answer.
  • In chapter 1 of Thousand Shinji, Shinji has to try Misato's cooking. He seriously wonders if that... bizarre, highly-spicy glob resting on his plate won't kill him.
  • Anna in the Frozen (2013) fanfic Café Liégeois is described as one. She still manages her job as a barista just fine though:
    Anna had been banned from the kitchen at home for very good reason; every time she entered, insisting that she could help, something was bound to go wrong. Her very touch brought about the dinner apocalypse. The pot on the stove would boil over, the bread would first burn and then inexplicably catch on fire, the chicken would be roasted to a crispy sooty black, the meat would always come out rare no matter how long it was left in the oven, the cake crumbled in on itself into a mess of rock-hard chunks and her father was still traumatized badly enough by her 'Fruit Sundae of Epic Awesomeness' that, four years later, he still couldn't look at pineapples and corkscrews in the same way. They were lucky that Anna's mother had forbidden her from attempting to slice and dice vegetables, or their beloved but hopelessly clumsy daughter would be short a few fingers.
  • Arf's attempts at cooking in Infinity is somehow capable of burning through Nanoha's shields and feeling anger. Tsukuyomi mentions later on that the ingredients would have been better suited for a chemical weapon.
    Arf: Fate, the whipped cream has grown teeth!
  • In The Infinite Loops, there's a Running Gag that Leman Russ is not simply incapable of cooking. He's so bad at it that even when following instructions to the letter, he can cause anything from fires to giant, rampaging food Kaiju. At one point he managed to open a portal to the Warp by making toast. This running gag eventually grows to the point where, upon actually making a perfectly normal dinner of spaghetti and wheatballs for his girlfriend, the Loopers' response is to evacuate the solar system.
  • In Xendra, Buffy's two biggest problems with cooking are always removing the pot's lid to check on the food (Willow eventually buys her glass pot lids), and not understanding that food must be cooked at the temperature and for the time specified. Xander once notes that if Buffy had to bake something for two hours at 225 degrees, she was liable to bake it for one hour at 450 and if she could, she'd try to bake it for six minutes at 4500 degrees.
  • The Adventures Of Jaina: Azzanadra is quite literally legendarily bad at cooking, to the point that the citizens of the Zarosian Empire feared him going anywhere near a kitchen even after thousands of years had passed since his first attempt! As a Mahjarrat he doesn't need to eat, and his knowledge of cooking is basically 'it exists', and a general idea of what is healthy for humans. When he tries to make breakfast for Jaina, he forgets what parts of vegetables are edible, has to scrape the fish off the pan because he didn't oil it beforehand, and splatters burnt bread dough over the oven because he forgot to put it in a pan. He at least manages to satisfactorily slice fruit.
'''Jaina: Garlic and onions are supposed to be peeled before you eat them because the skin isn't edible![…] Cabbage, really? Wait, this isn't cabbage at all... huh... corn leaves? Those aren't edible either... and these beans are dry! Beans have to be soaked overnight and boiled in water before you eat them.
  • Black & Black:
    While he cleaned after himself, partly out of habit and partly because he found it relaxing, they had house elves doing the general chores and cooking when Harry could not. He had learned early that Draco was to be kept away from the kitchen lest they all be poisoned.
  • In Cupcake Wars, Steve brags to everyone that Bucky always made him the best cupcakes for his birthday while they were growing up but when Bucky tries to bake them again after a 70-year gap, he can only make a sludge-like mess that breaks his spoon in half. Not wanting to disappoint Steve, he buys cupcakes from a nearby bakery and pretends that he made them himself. It turns out that he had always been a Lethal Chef and that he and Steve had always pretended that the store cupcakes he bought for his birthdays had been made by him instead.
  • Bats Shouldn't Get Hurt:
    Harry: Sorry Tom, but even Dudley can cook better than you and I don't think he knows how to cook. You do realize water can't burn right?
  • Alphamon in A Dragon in Shining Armour likes to create... unique blends of tea, most of which are fairly noxious. The other Royal Knights are probably fortunate that he limits himself to tea.
  • Hiei's fail-tastic cooking is well-established. Blizzard of the Red Castle adds nuance in that apparently she can at least brew A Spot Of Tea. Kirishima, however, apparently has the opposite issue: She can cook... But her tea is bad enough that Kongo can only stomach it spiked with rum!
  • In My Huntsman Academia side story "Mystery Meat", Pyrrha, Weiss, and Nora try to make a chicken curry dinner for their team leader as thanks for cooking for them all semester. Unfortunately, none of them have set foot in a kitchen to cook before. The result is green, looks like it's covered in mold, and may or may not be moving. The four agree to never speak of it again, but the image of their dish would haunt their nightmares for the rest of their lives.
  • Kitty Pryde from The Institute Saga manages to burn a salad and set a saucepan of water on fire.
  • Kindred: Tiana has banned Anna from cooking after the "kitchen incident".
  • Unfamiliar Patterns:
    • Sweetie Belle manages to set ice on fire.
    • Sweetie Belle gets her cooking skills from her dad. He once set cereal on fire.
  • In Hero Academia D×D, Ibara's first attempt to make breakfast at the Midoriya apartment ends with her burning the eggs and juice (somehow). Momo is, somehow, worse. Ibara will make chocolate with vinegar creating a sour concoction: Momo's chocolates not only have vinegar, but ice coffee, bell peppers, and fish sausages as ingredients, give off dark auras, and wipe out Izuku's sense of taste for a week after knocking him out.
  • What Lies Beneath: Like her mother, Zephyr isn't that great of a cook, her instinct when it comes to making soup is to throw whatever ingredients they have into it.
  • In The Darwin Chronicles, Jean Grey's cooking is a health hazard. Scott keeps eating it because he doesn't want to hurt her feelings, but he's gotten food poisoning so many times that Warren jokes that Jean is truly attempting to kill him.
    Warren: "Let me get this straight. You knew she cooked it herself. You ate it anyway."
    Scott: "It was our anniversary. She went to a lot of trouble, and I wanted to be appreciative. Besides, it was CHICKEN. How hard can it be to make chicken?"
    Warren: "You didn't notice the pink? How could you not notice it was the wrong color?" (Scott points to his glasses) "And you didn't think it tasted funny?"
    Scott: "Well, kind of. But she doesn't cook that often. I wanted to be supportive."
    Warren: "But you KNEW she made it herself. And you ate it ANYWAY. I wouldn't let that get around, Cyclops. It doesn't say much about your decision-making abilities, you know what I'm saying?"
  • In Hearts of Ice, Akane Tendo is exiled to the Kami Plane, and she finds out that her reputation as a terrible cook extends beyond the mortal realm: She is thrown out and evicted forever by Kojin, the God of Kitchens as soon as she steps into his domain. Akane became rather miffed after that incident, a feeling furthered by Kojin mumbling "Why couldn't Kasumi get sucked into the Kami Plane?" while he was stomping away.
  • In Engineer's Peanut Allergy, Engineer's 9-year-old daughter sends him a care package with a letter, a drawing, and two vaguely-cookie-shaped blobs that look like cement. They're almost literally lethal because they turn out to have peanuts in them, which he's allergic to.
  • In canon, Fuuka of Persona 3 and Yukiko and Chie of Persona 4 are terrible cooks, but for different reasons. One comic from Daily Megaten (the comic is part of a collection sold on the site) demonstrates: when Shinjiro gives them a recipe for an extremely simple cake (which amounts to dumping every ingredient in a bowl and stirring), Fuuka apologizes for a lumpy and burnt cake (probably from undermixing the batter), while Yukiko and Chie proudly present a disgusting cake full of bizarre ingredients like bacon bits and a whole unpeeled banana.
  • In I Think We'll Be Okay, Kosuke is actually a Supreme Chef when it comes to savory foods, and her skills in the kitchen get her unanimous praise from everyone. However, when it comes to sweet foods, she's absolutely hopeless. Her cookies once burned so horribly they disappeared in the oven. Apparently sugar is her kryptonite.
  • In a My Little Pony: Friendship Is Magic fanfic The Death of Princess Luna, apparently none of the bad guys can cook anything else than some sloshy substance that doesn't even remotely resemble food. That, or they just really didn't care if Luna lived or not, even though her death of starvation would've ruined their entire plan.
  • In Chapter 15 of BlazBlue Alternative: Remnant, Noel is shown to be this much like she is in the games. It's so bad that her food comes across more like an outright eldritch abomination, moving almost out of touch with reality and having a color that Jaune isn't sure even exists. Then when Jaune tries to eat it, he ends up hospitalized and gains several second-degree burns. Makoto even mentions that Noel once cooked a soup so rancid that when she force fed it to a Beowolf, it melted the Grimm into a puddle.
  • In MsMatchmaker Harry spits a mouthful of Dobby's pea soup into a potted plant. It instantly wilts.


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