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  1. If I ever build a doomsday device that broadcasts the approximate time before its launch, I will set said launch time to the smallest increment of time possible. Even if this countdown is affected by temporal anomalies, any ground the hero gains, whether by exploiting the fact or not, will pose no threat whatsoever due to its minute size.
  2. Better yet, I won’t build a doomsday device at all. What’s the point of being an evil overlord if you have no subjects to rule over? Assuming I can even survive the doomsday event.
  3. If I am related to the hero in some way, such as being his sibling gone bad or a close friend influenced by an eldritch or demonic entity of some sort, when fighting them, I will attempt to make it look like I'm making a feeble attempt to resist whatever is "controlling" me, likely initiating an "I Know You're in There Somewhere" Fight. When the hero believes he's made enough progress to free me and lets his guard down, I will promptly fill him with holes.
  4. If I must undergo a final, desperate transformation, I will consider the advantages of making said final form something similar to the Great Old Ones. One doesn't need to fight if their opponent is permanently reduced to a gibbering loon upon the mere sight of your final form.
  5. If I discover some of my more powerful minions are resistant to attacks the hero carries that would decimate lower ones, such as an instant death or powerful poison spell, I will research what gives them this quality. If successful and the result is proven safe to apply through rigorous testing, I will distribute this effect to as many minions as possible. Same goes for any minion variants that happen to be immune to a certain attack and may or may not damage any users of said attack.
  6. Better yet, I will research the defensive qualities of minions that possess the innate quality of being exceptionally resilient, and apply this to all my minions and possibly myself.
  7. Some heroes possess the distinct lack of an ability to scale any surface over a meter in height. I will take full advantage of this and surround my fortress with decorative hedges. In case the hero can also wield genre-savviness and tries to walk through the bushes, they will also be a special breed with extremely spiky, poisonous leaves, and the area beyond the bushes will be guarded by my most powerful lesser minions. Let's see you get through this, Mr. Smartass.
  8. If I have a minion that I suspect to be The Starscream, and the heroes have reached the point that they present a significant threat to me, I will consider the merits of letting him betray me, escaping, and letting the heroes defeat him while I acquire more power.
  9. If I AM The Starscream, I will endeavor to be less evil than my master. If I betray him during his fight with the heroes and help kill him, they’ll probably let me go. I’ll still have to discreetly pick up the pieces, but I’ll be alive, with my boss out of the equation.
  10. I will mandate that chests cannot be used to store valuables, weapons, or anything with a healing ability. These sorts of things tend to help the hero along. Doubly so if the chests are in my elite minions' boss dungeons, or, heaven forbid, MY dungeon.
  11. On the matter of chests, some have an uncanny ability to perfectly preserve foodstuffs ad nauseam. I will research how this happens, similar to rules 1705 and 1706 above, and if proven safe, utilize the same principle on myself when mortally wounded, therefore allowing me to outlast the hero, heal myself when I get out and he's dead, and continue my reign.
  12. On the matter of chests, I will have a standard setup in dungeons. Have a few near the entrance with useful but not invaluable items, then connect an important-looking one to a death trap that the items will not protect against.
  13. The reason I won’t have all the chests be death traps is in case I ever am in danger and need to hide in one of my dungeons. I want emergency supplies to be on hand easily. I’ll just make sure to remember: Golden chest=death.
  14. Given that those Adventuring Heroes tend to do those dungeon runs, I will only have a few rooms in my dungeon, but each room is big enough to hold 100+ people, and I'll have as many mooks as possible in each of them. A Heroes Party of 5-10 is going to be seriously messed up if they somehow make it through all 500+ worth of my various fighters, mages, rangers, mage-fighters, mage-rangers, fighter-mages, fighter-rangers, ranger-fighters, ranger-mages, and those guys that can utilize melee, magic, and ranged abilities.
  15. I will have my minions raid any dungeons belonging to monsters in the area. Not only will it likely be lucrative, but it will make it that much harder for aspiring heroes to get equipment.
  16. If a poor village hires The Magnificent Seven Samurai, leave that place alone, or just snipe them all from a distance.
  17. Serving a Greater-Scope Villain is no fun, but if I have to do it, I will make sure that I know just how much he rewards loyalty. If the answer is “not much,” I will consider the merits of helping the heroes defeat him.
  18. If I have the ability to transform into a more powerful form I will not count on being given time to transform. Unless using it has negative effects on me, I will transform before doing battle with the heroes. And if they can transform, I will kill them mid-transformation if possible.
  19. Do not mess with The Union. Doing so will put me on the wrong end of The Mafia.
  20. If I have 7 incarnations across time and space, and they all get their butts kicked by a different hero each incarnation, if they team up to fight me, I will maybe consider surrender.
  21. If I must use a nondescript white van to transport prisoners, ensure it has excellent gas mileage. It would be awkward if the gas station employee hears the struggling of said prisoner.
  22. Anything can be used for orbital bombardment if it’s big enough. Anything from a 20 story building to a football field in size will suffice.
  23. Unless there's a very good reason to do so, don't even bother having The Masquerade. That being said, if there's a very good reason to do so, uphold it.
  24. If I'm something of a Noble Demon, and I've suffered from the effects of a spell gone wrong, or curse, which affects my appearance in such a way that I can't go out in public, and keeps me from reading the books I need in order to reverse the magic, if I hire a young woman to read them, I shall advise any other servants that I have to not interfere with her.
  25. If I've hired a young woman to read special books, so that I can try to break any curses I'm under, should one of my servants, or apprentices, try to interfere with her, I'll deal with them accordingly. This might be as simple as giving them a nice amount of money, and passage to another part of the country, along with a recommendation, or, if necessary, killing them, especially if they've proven to be exceptionally treacherous.
  26. If that young woman figures out the real reason I'm having her read those books, and/or sees my true hideous looks, I will attempt to use her sympathy, in order to make her stay, along with a generous amount of money and other forms of payment, like entry into that desired university, or a recommendation to those who could benefit from her capabilities.
  27. If it doesn’t work, I’ll simply hire someone else. It’s not as if she’s some sort of magical prodigy I need. All she’s doing is relaying information to me.
  28. Actually, if I have servants or apprentices, why don’t I just have them read the books for me? Unless they were also rendered unable to do so by the curse, I can just have them read the books to break my curse.
  29. If the answer is “because they’re idiots” or “because they can’t be trusted,” I will find new servants or apprentices.
  30. Of course, when hiring someone to read books to me, I have a very good reason as to why I hired them, such as the fact that she can read the languages that the books are written in, like the Medieval versions of English, Spanish, French, German, Latin, Ancient Sumerian, Egyptian hieroglyphs, and other such obscure forms that current-day people would have issues reading.
  31. Likewise, when hiring her, make sure that she doesn't have any better prospects, to the point that receiving a very generous wage for simply reading old books to an eccentric millionaire is seen as a godsend.
  32. If it turns out that simply listening to her voice is a pleasure, and helps me to ignore the pains I have, even when the passage she's reading is not necessary, see to it that she's handsomely rewarded when I've figured out how to restore myself.
  33. If this woman becomes someone that I deeply care for, has seen my true face, and still helps me out, perhaps even falling for me, should someone abduct her, I'll hunt that bastard down, and tear him limb from limb! It would also be especially ironic if I reveal that one for the monster that they claim I am, with the claim that they cursed me. If I can somehow place my curse on them, that's just as good as curing myself.
  34. If this woman deeply cares for me, and I deeply care for them as well, odds are, there's bound to be a priest, or a judge, or someone, who can officiate the wedding, even if I need to slip them some money to grease the wheels. After all, there's nothing wrong with a Noble Demon being Happily Married.
  35. If I am not such a Noble Demon, and it turns out I have actually done some pretty awful things, but I still find myself falling for a girl that is not evil, I will not lie to her about my past. She will simply reject me once she finds out about it. If I love her enough to give up villainy, I will act tortured about my dark past. Maybe I’ll even find myself Becoming the Mask in that regard. Girls eat that sort of thing up anyway.
  36. And if at any point I have the need to back into my old tendencies, I will become a Serial-Killer Killer. The power provided by villainy feels good, but I can’t afford to go back to hurting innocents.
  37. However, if I am in love with the heroine, and she reciprocates, our battles will likely just end up as our way of flirting. I will, however, endeavor to avoid harming civilians.
  38. If I have captured, or my associates have captured that young lady, and we've made an agreement where she won't escape and thus I've allow her to wander about my place, as if she were a guest, I will at least explain why she's not to go into certain rooms - under renovation, under construction, under water, down-range of a firing range, secret lab, dangerous beasts that would rip her to shreds without me there, paintings of a nude Virgin Mary that might not be fitting for proper ladies to see, a janitor's closet, my bedroom, my mother's bedroom (and I hope that mother doesn't get the wrong idea about me and the young lady!), out-of-order elevator, and so on and so forth. After all, I don't want this woman dead, and have the hero come for my head instead of leaving after saving her.
  39. I will not reawaken an ancient evil. The average ancient evil is an Ungrateful Bastard.
  40. I will not excessively Kick the Dog. Not only will it make people dislike me, but it’s also just tacky.
  41. If I encounter a bald man with a cape, I will beg for mercy. He might just grant it to me.
  42. If I have captured The Hero and I must gloat about my evil plan, I will do it after I have already put the plan into effect.
  43. If I am in a setting where viler villains than me pop up frequently, I will consider making a Hazy Feel Turn. The heroes probably won’t trust me, but they’ll give me more leeway if we have a common goal.
  44. I will not have slaves - paid employees tend to work harder, and have to give a two week notice before they leave. Besides, the Hero has a tendency to free slaves, and have them turn against me.
  45. If I must have slaves, I will treat them with a certain level of kindness, seeing to it that they have good food, and that they have good clothes, and so on. This will reduce the likelihood of them turning on me. In fact, should the Hero show up to try to "free" them, said slaves might actually turn said Hero in.
  46. If I am invincible to the Hero's attacks, but not to my own attacks being used against me and/or using my attacks leaves me open, I will try to find out if Collision Damage is dealt to the hero in this universe. If it is, then I will just simply walk into the Hero until he dies when we fight. Even if he can dodge me, there's no other way he can kill me.
  47. If Collision Damage is not dealt to the hero in this universe, I will purchase weapons identical to those of the hero. They can’t harm me, but they probably can harm him.
  48. Should I, decades later, happen upon my long-lost Love Interest from before my Start of Darkness, I will exchange some friendly, goofy texts (or whatever the equivalent is in this setting) and then leave her alone.
  49. If I still have feelings for her, I will take several cold showers and then go back to vow 1748.
  50. If I am madly smitten with her, I will realize that, at this point, resisting would be counterproductive and pursue her. But if she says no, either because I became an Evil Overlord or for any other reason, I will LEAVE. HER. THE. FUCK. ALONE. Following these three rules will considerably increase the chances that, when she inevitably allies with The Hero, reveals to him my Achilles' Heel (herself, most likely), and brings about my defeat, she'll remember there's still some good left in me and ask him to not finish me off. But...
  51. If, against all odds, we do hit it off, I will invite her to rule as my equal and never, ever, ever abuse her trust. There's no surer way to a quick, messy, and probably fatal defeat than a Woman Scorned.
  52. I will not try to force The Hero to serve me unless I have a foolproof and permanent way of ensuring their cooperation (and even then, I’ll make sure I have a failsafe in case they ever betray me).
  53. In the event that I have an offspring who turns out to be disabled, homosexual, or without any powers, I will still care for them. Anyone who abandons their child just because they are different is way worse than myself in this case.
  54. I will make my ultimate, most powerful form one that looks like an ordinary human. When I transform from my less powerful, more monstrous form, I will fake defeat, as if the defeat of that form snapped me back to human form. Then, when my enemies try to finish me off, SURPRISE!
  55. Should one of my minions ever tell me No-One Could Have Survived That, I will have him make sure. Even if he Dropped a Bridge on Him, anyone worth the overkill is probably very good at surviving things they shouldn’t.
  56. I will never, ever say, This Cannot Be!! Instead I will recognize that perhaps it can, although depending on the context, it could be a deception, and plan for both.
  57. Likewise, I will never say, “Nothing can save you now,” or anything similar. That’s tempting fate a bit too much.
  58. I will strive to improve my abilities, and those of my subordinates, whenever we are not otherwise occupied. Nothing is more embarrassing than getting stomped by the guy I could one-shot last time we met.
  59. If some of my minions are mind-controlled and some are not, and there is a hero I really need killed, I will send the minions that serve me of their own free will after the hero first, and only use the mind-controlled ones if I really have to. I don’t want the hero to get unexpected allies.
  60. If Contact Damage exists, it also shall be used as a security measure to look for spies if other methods are ineffective. My mooks will be instructed to walk into each other at regular intervals, and anyone that inexplicably sustains wounds from this is to be turned into swiss cheese, preferably using a lot of bullets. If a guard's faking a wound, he's got a lot to answer for if he somehow manages to not get shot dead, although he's probably Too Dumb to Live if he does this.
  61. Another thing relating to the situation described in vow 1518: I will attempt to develop a substitute for blood that can be consistently used without risks. This helps in two ways; the masses don't like paying too many taxes as shown in the American Revolution, and any other vampires who decide to use this substitute may go to my side because I developed what made their life so much easier.
  62. If there is a group that I want to keep in check, whatever the nature of the group, I will not focus too intently on wiping them out if it’s not absolutely necessary. Just picking off a few of the more rebellious ones every so often is less likely to cause a revolution.
  63. My Border Patrol Guards will, politely, and casually, ask travelers questions, such as where they came from, what are they in the area for (business or pleasure), if they had safe travels, or if they encountered any bandit issues that might need to be checked out. If someone, especially a well-armed adventurer, asks what's with the questions, my men will have prior instructions to say that they are to ask the travelers if there's any problems that could use fixing, like fallen trees, rut-filled roads, and other such things. Afterwards, the guard is to recommend to the traveler a very good inn that they could get a hot meal and warm bed at. Also, the patrol is to check out any trouble areas on the road.
  64. In the event that I have the manpower to take the area over, I'll just simply ask whomever does rule the area if me and mine could have a place to stay at, with my men acting as a border patrol. After all, why fight to steal a chicken once, when one could simply protect said chicken, in exchange for a regular supply of eggs. In this case, said "eggs" are a portion of the goods made or traded with the place. Who knows, I might even become the ruler in actuality some day.
  65. I shall set up a series of inns that are within a few hours' travel of each other. Near each inn will be a group of guards, who are on duty, plus a group of men, who, "technically" do odd jobs, but are really undercover, so that when the guards investigate a crime, the undercover ones can listen for any dissidents.
  66. While “awesome” and “practical” may overlap, if there’s a Boring, but Practical way of doing anything, it’s probably the better option.
  67. I will not be an Ungrateful Bastard, regardless of whether I am the Big Bad, the Greater-Scope Villain, or the Sealed Evil in a Can. Such would only drive potential allies away.
  68. I will generally be polite to my enemies. Concerns about whether or not I receive mercy as a result aside, anyone strong enough to genuinely challenge me is worthy of respect. And even if I don’t care about that, I don’t want to make them mad by not giving it to them.
  69. But I will NOT obviously fake it. If my opponent is not a genuine threat and is not worthy of respect, I will be honest with them about it without mocking them, just in case I underestimated them and they decide to punch my smug face in.
  70. There is nothing wrong with a good Crowd Song. After all, Gaston and Ratcliffe used them to their advantage in riling up the crowd for an assault. Tough crowds indeed, all armed with a lot of weapons.
  71. It would be a very good idea that, if I'm in one of those Deconstruction stories, to recognize if I'm the Villain rather than the Hero I thought that I was. Things go much smoother that way, at least for myself.
  72. If two of my technicians publish a message using our new top secret code in a magazine, which is a number to the office, and it gets cracked by some kid with Autism, I will not have the kid, or his family, targeted for assassination. Instead, I'll find out as much about the kid, and their family, as possible, visit them in person, and explain to their family that the kid cracked a supposedly uncrackable code. I will then see to it that the family is given a large sum of money to help them pay the kid's various bills, plus more money each year for said expenses, and when the kid is of legal age, I will give them a job offer. This makes me look very good indeed, and keeps me out of any legal troubles, plus the potential of a new asset.
  73. Note to self: Don't duel the guy who always overshadows you to the damn death. It never ends well, I'm sure of it.
  74. If I discover have a child I didn’t know about, and they have powers similar to the ones I am keeping secret, I will not try to kill them. Instead, I will offer to make them my assassin.
  75. If my only goal as a villain is making money, and I am given the opportunity to make money legitimately...I shall take that opportunity and stop being a villain. No point in having to deal with a hero in order to get rich when a way exists for me to get rich without them opposing me. Plus, if money was my only goal (and I don't think Evil Feels Good), I probably wasn't that committed in the first place.
  76. On the topic of money, I shall pay my taxes, no matter how much I dislike doing so - if the IRS could get Al Capone on tax evasion, then it's not that much of a stretch to imagine that whatever tax collecting agency I pay taxes to could haul me in for the same crime. I may be crazy enough to take on the hero, but even I don't have the guts to take on the IRS!
  77. And speaking of taxes, if I do manage to find myself in a position that would let me change the tax codes however I want, I will make it so that any heroic acts the heroes perform will be heavily taxed, and as a result, they'll be too busy trying to pay off said taxes to stop me (and if an underling finds themselves in said place, I'll order said underling to do so). And if the hero is filthy rich, I will also institute taxes that target the wealthy in general so he has less money to buy better equipment and supplies with. Plus, it would probably make me popular with the poor provided I use that money on them as opposed to just let it gather dust in my bank account or the empire's treasury.
  78. Should I fall in love with the heroine and, after carefully checking every other item of this list regarding the matter, realize that I am indeed in love and that she is unlikely to abandon her cause just with the temptation of power (and she most likely is), I'll seek to learn more about her so I can court her as a secret admirer of sorts. Many girls like this and it can improve my chances if once she learns of my feelings, she has a different image of me already. I'll also not confess that I am said secret admirer since she will at once assume I'm trying to manipulate her. Give her subtle hints (it's unlikely I'll fall in love with someone dumb, so she will figure it out herself) and act as if I didn't want her to find out, but couldn't simple forget said feelings.
  79. Likewise, I'll NOT kidnap her or be forceful in any manner. Besides being a very disgusting behaviour that will just push her away, it will only make her more determined to kill me. A very well-planned arrangement during which I happen to save her or we cross paths ('forcing me to take her with me' -with the necessary precautions, of course-) are preferable. I'll also not force her to marry me, but rather show a more humane and gentle side, talking about common interest, so she will see I'm not just a monster (even if there is not a single drop of goodness left in me). I'll also give logic explanations to my actions. Even if she is saved, she will be unable to forget our nice moments together and may start seeing things from my perspective.
  80. During my attempts to turn my love interest against her friends, I'll be sure to know the necessary about their relationships (serious arguments, occasional hurtful jokes, etc) and psychology in order to make her see their bonds are not so perfect or strong as she thinks they are. I'll, however, not make use of any lies. Truth is the most powerful weapon in those cases.
  81. If, despite everything, she still rejects me, I will move on. It may take some crying and eating ice cream straight out of the carton, but I can't afford to let either my lingering feelings or my anger at her cloud my judgement. Yes, a spurned lover is dangerous, but they are also terrible at being pragmatic. That's not the sort of rage I want to channel.
  82. If I am married to the Good Queen and she keeps me from harming the innocent, only for some so-called hero to abduct her under the false impression I abducted and forced her into marriage then by all means, save her!
  83. If I have huge horns or a Horny Vikings-type design, I will refrain from using ramming or charging attacks on the hero, especially in a closed arena. This practice tends to cause one to get stuck in a wall.
  84. Similarly to Rule 1783 above, if I use a Blade on a Stick or a cane, I will not use it to perform a Shockwave Stomp or just slam it into the hero. This invariably makes it get stuck in the ground, (even in metal, for some inexplicable reason) and allows the hero time to hit me.
  85. I will take note of the fact that Everything Is NOT Better With Spinning. Yes, it can protect me from the hero's pesky fireballs or magic or arrows or whatnot, but a spinning attack tends to leave one dizzy or tired.
  86. If I have an army of mindless zombies, I will not give them complex tasks, nor will I allow them to observe me when I work on a complex task.
  87. If the Hero, or the Resistance, or some Critic of my regime, or just some fella trying to make some money for their daily bread, makes a game, or a play, or a movie, or a book, that is clearly based off of me, and makes me look like an idiot, I will not have them arrested and/or shot for doing so. Instead, I'll check it out, give credit where credit is do, and I'll even claim like some aspects of it. I will Not! make it illegal to own/watch/play/whatever. That sort of thing only inspires the Resistance.
  88. If I find that my Mooks are playing some RPG that is clearly based off of me, which makes me look like an idiot, or they are wearing the Hero's merchandise, I will not get upset and have them barbecued. Instead, I'll just ask if they are having fun playing the game, or if the merchandise is dashing, and if they need anything else to go with it.
  89. If I play some sort of board game, or video game, or some RPG, or any other such game, I will not throw a hissy fit if I lose. Instead, I'll just ask the other players if they have any tips so that I can improve my performance, and/or say "Good Game." Likewise, don't formulate a revenge plan over someone who bests me in some minor game. After all, I have the rest of the world to take over.
  90. Create my own game that makes me look great, which kids will love to play. After all, those are the people who will grow up under my rule.
  91. As stated many times over throughout the list, using an ancient evil for my own gains, is NEVER a good idea. Despite this, neither is giving it more power. This will likely end even worse than if I had attempted to game the blasted thing in the first place, such as, oh, I don't know, a Lovecraftian horror turning into a SUPER Lovecraftian horror that pretty much wins just by existing.
  92. If, for whatever reason, I do ever need to exploit an ancient evil, I will first learn everything there is to know about it. Then, in case my method of controlling it fails, I will have at least half a dozen contingencies theoretically capable of killing it (ideally including a Logical Weakness that would have been hard to find when it was sealed away, a bomb that can be implanted at the base of its skull, and a Legendary Weapon which is capable of smiting great evil that the hero would normally use).
  93. If I have a minion who, if killed by someone else, releases an Eldritch Abomination, I will see to it that they get to live in peace. Yes, having an Eldritch Abomination unleashed against my enemies might sound appealing, but it’s not worth the potential collateral damage (read:me).
  94. I will remember that "beautiful" does not translate to "stupid." That bombshell could very well be the one person who could make my plan work, but you can't tell intelligence just by looking at someone, even if their head looks swollen enough to assume they have a gigantic brain. Instead, I'll find a way to see if they're good for doing something if they want to work for me.
  95. In the event that I can summon minions and the undead, I shall treat them well, especially if they happen to be sapient, or can gain it. After all, if I should be in a state where I can't control them, I don't want them to turn on me right away.
  96. No uncannily clever AI. Ever. I don’t want my position as the main villain taken away.
  97. In addition to Rule 1785, if I really do want to try using spinning to block attacks, I will see if I can get two orbitars to do the spinning and deflecting for me.
  98. If my superpowered minions need sparring partners for their training and these sparring partners are my regular soldiers, I will instruct my superpowered minions not to kill or maim their sparring partners. Loyal soldiers are hard to come by. If my superpowered minions need sparring partners and their powers are invariably lethal, I will not use my soldiers as sparring partners. Scum from my dungeons will do.
  99. I will absolutely not allow my superpowered minions with invariably lethal powers to spar against each other. It would be absolutely idiotic to lose such invaluable assets in a training accident. In fact, they will be trained in separate facilities to avoid spur-of-the-moment murders.
  100. Minions with potentially nonlethal powers can and will be encouraged to spar with each other and with my regular troops. This way when they inevitably betray me, I will have fighters with experience in taking them down.
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