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Just For Fun / Common Military Ranks

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Here are some funny descriptions of the various ranks, compiled from various sources

Officer Ranks

  • Ensign / Second Lieutenant / Pilot Officer : Is often considered barely old enough to get to the toilet without supervision.
  • First Lieutenant / Lieutenant junior grade / Flying Officer : Is considered the perfect rank. Is senior enough to not be the laughingstock of all the NCOs but is still junior enough to not be given any real responsibility.
  • Captain / Lieutenant / Flight Lieutenant : They are the workhorses of their service’s Officer corps. They are given the bulk of the work to be done and are also at a rank where they can catch serious hell for making mistakes. They are given just enough authority to delegate some of their workload, but not enough authority to sidestep the blame. This is the rank at which people who’ve decided they don’t want a military career, muster out at.
  • Major / Lieutenant Commander / Squadron Leader : The last rank at which you can have any fun at all. Rank Up above this and you have to start taking yourself and your rank very seriously. This is also the rank at which So Okay, It's Average career officers are forced to retire at.
  • Lieutenant Colonel / Commander / Wing Commander : This is the rank at which you gain your first major command. This is also the rank at which most officers will retire at, so someone at this rank could either be a Social Climber or a Jaded Washout
  • Colonel / Captain / Group Captain : People who attain this rank are one step away from the most coveted prize for any military officer - flag rank ie a generalship or admiralty. Therefore expect them to be the most authoritarian as they take their rank very seriously, but also the most neurotic as promotions to flag rank are very competitive.
  • Generals and Admirals : Officers who’ve attained this rank are truly at the pinnacle of their careers and their egos can now start writing checks that their ranks can cash. How many stars they get now depends on how many National level politicians they can get to like them, but even if they retire with just one star, they’ll still be considered a military celebrity. Even then
    • Brigadier / Commodore / Brigadier General / Rear Admiral Lower Half / Air Commodore : The “perfect” flag rank that lets you enjoy all the perks with little to no major responsibilities. Usually people at this rank are deputies of higher ranked generals, which explains the “No major responsibilities” part.
    • Major General / Rear Admiral / Air Vice Marshal: The workhorses of the flag officers corps. They are given major battlefield commands and battlefield responsibilities. And they also catch all the blame for battles lost.
    • Lieutenant General / Vice Admiral / Air Marshal : You’ve survived the crucible of major command and possibly battlefield command, now you are one step away from the coveted fourth star. Time for some serious politicking, deal making, influence peddling and backbiting.
    • General / Colonel-General / Admiral / Air Chief Marshal : If you’ve made it this far, you are a legend who will be recorded in history. Time to take yourself (if not your position) very seriously.

Enlisted Ranks

  • Private, PFC, Seaman Recruit, Seaman Apprentice, Ordinary Seaman, Able Seaman, Airman, Senior Airman, US Space Force Specialist 1 or 2 — barely old enough to be able to go to the toilet unsupervised.
  • Lance Corporal, Corporal, Master Corporal, Leading Seaman, Petty Officer 3rd class, US Space Force Specialist 3 or 4 — The workhorses of the enlisted ranks. Considered adequately trained to be given serious work without requiring extra instructions, but are junior enough that they cannot really delegate the work out. That said, they are also the ranks that are the most micromanaged, so they often Can't Get Away with Nuthin'.
  • Sergeant, Petty Officer 2nd class, Senior Petty Officer — The perfect enlisted rank to be at. Considered senior enough to be able to delegate all the busy work and shit jobs, but also junior enough to not be given any important work or serious responsibility. In the US, this is the rank at which most initial enlistment contracts end.
  • Staff Sergeant, Petty Officer 1st class, Leading Petty Officer — The first rank at which you are given serious responsibility and therefore also serious blame if things go wrong. This is also one step away from the coveted rank of Chief or Sergeant First Class or Gunnery Sergeant, so expect people at this rank to be hardasses to those below and brown noses to those above.
  • Sergeant First Class, Gunnery Sergeant, Tech/Color Sergeant, Chief Petty Officer — The most well respected of all enlisted ranks, as in fiction, this is where you’ll find most Drill Sergeant Nasty and Sergeant Rock characters. This is the first rank at which you can let your eccentricities hang out in the open with very few people able or willing to do anything about it.
  • First/Master Sergeant, Senior Chief Petty Officer, Non-American Warrant Officer — You had your fun as a Gunny, SFC or Chief, now you’ve been promoted again. And you are one step away from the hallowed rank of Sergeant Major or Master Chief, so it’s time to become a brown-nosing neurotic once again.
  • Sergeant Major, Master Chief, Non-American Chief Warrant Officer — Just like the Generals and Admirals among the Officer ranks, they are now the “made men”.
  • American Warrant Officer 1 and Chief WO 2 through 4 — The actual perfect grade, enough of an officer to avoid real hard work but not enough of one for any real responsibility.
  • American Chief Warrant Officer 5 — A unicorn who is invisible to mere mortals. It is said that where they thread the universe bends. Fifty fifty odds of a permanent absentee on paid leave they gave themselves to go fishing or being the only person who four stars will ask to offer their thoughts.

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