Get A Stupid Answer / Advertising

• Haven't you heard of Cadbury's Caramel?
• This is your brain. This is your brain on drugs. Any questions?
  • Yeah: does alcohol count as a drug? Just, coz, y'know, the frying doesn't really work as a metaphor with booze... Great, now you've made me hungry. Can I have the egg, please?
  • Can I have my brain scrambled with toast?
  • Are you saying I'm an egghead? Thank you.
    • Who's an egghead, eggface?
  • Are you going to eat my brain? Because I'm really hungry. Mostly from doing drugs.
    • Yes, but we're not unreasonable. No one's gonna eat your eyes.
  • Yes. What are you on? I have been on so many mushrooms that I have seen the sky rip asunder, a UFO come down, take me aboard, and the crew explain to me all the secrets of the universe, but I have never, ever, EVER thought that an egg was a fuckin' brain! Now, it's being eaten by a hobbit riding a unicorn, but it's still an egg!
  • Yeah, what are you on? Looks like a frying pan and some eggs to me!
  • If my brain is a raw egg, and my brain on drugs is a cooked egg, wouldn't drugs be good for my brain, as they would kill bacteria?
    • From a human perspective, that's all fine and dandy, but from a chicken's perspective... so I guess the message is that chickens shouldn't do drugs.
  • Yes, if the egg is my brain, I presume that means that the oil is the drugs... or is the pan the drugs? Or would the pan be the needle? Would it be a needle? What kind of drugs are we talking about? What does the toast represent? Does this metaphor mean that my brain will not gestate into a chicken? But food-grade eggs were never fertilized, and unless they are cooked and eaten, will just rot and go to waste, so I guess it means that my brain never had a chance of fulfilling nature's purpose for it, and was collected solely for the purpose of being on drugs, and without drugs, it will just spoil.
  • This is your head; this is your head with an axe in it. Are we clear?
    • I really like the ax in your face. Where'd you get it? Heh heh heh...
  • Whatever did that officer give his wife instead of sandwiches?
  • Yeah, I think I got a few. So you're telling me that my brain on drugs is a healthy, nutritious breakfast that helps my brain grow? I guess I should do some drugs!
  • Hey, I ordered my brain as an omlette. What gives, guys?
  • Too confusing. Loosen up and tell me what I NEED to know.
  • ARE YOU SAYING MY BRAINS ARE SCRAMBLED!?
  • What, you egg!
  • Do you like green drugs- uh, eggs and ham?
  • This is your brain on the Box! This is my brain on the Box. DOES ANYBODY ELSE FEEL LIKE A FRIED EGG?!
  • If I stop smoking drugs, then everything might be alright.
• What's in your wallet?
  • Lemme see, there's a fiver, about a dollar-fifty in change in change, a condom, my driver's license...
  • This ring I found in a cave.
    • What has it got in its walletses?
  • Another wallet.
  • A single live moth that flew out for dramatic effect when I opened my wallet to check. Thanks for reminding me that I'm broke, asshole!
    • No more evildoing for you, little akuma... TIME TO DE-EVILIZE!
  • Nothing.
  • That's not my wallet.
  • I had some hard candy in there.
• It's 11:00: do you know where your children are?
  • I told you last night, no! Where is Bart anyway, his dinner's getting all cold and eaten.
  • Wait, I have children? Why wasn't I told?
    • Because your teacher figured you'd be an unfit parent, Anakin, what with how you murdered their mother.
  • I have one of those? Oh, God, I have two of those!
  • Who gives a crap about my son?! He's a fruity-ass fruitbowl gay bas-
  • I killed them before they could even make a single noise.
• How many licks does it take to get to the Tootsie Roll center of a Tootsie Pop?
  • That's not me, it's a stupid owl that does that!
  • Cool! Free lolipop!!! *rips off wrapper* Nom nom nom.
  • One. Two-hooo. Three- ah screw it! -Crunch-
  • Three hundred and sixty-three, assuming "the center" counts as "the first exposure of chocolate".
  • 2,075. I tested this.
  • One! One lick! Two! Two licks! Three! Three licks…
  • Let's find out! Here we go! One. Two-hooo! Heh, heh, get along with the commercial- okay, I'll stop.
  • IT'S OVER 9000!
  • Mr. Toad, how many licks of you does it take to get to the center of a Rhode Island state prison?
    • Just one!
• What would you do for a Klondike bar?
  • Dine... in hell!!!!
    • But then it'd melt...
    • Not necessarily, if Dante is right.
    • And now, we both shall dine in hell tonight!
  • Go to the store's freezer section, take one out, take it to the checkout, pay the price plus tax, and leave.
    • Take it from this guy as he leaves the store. Should save me about three bucks.
    • Oh, yeah, we'll have them in hysterics with that bit! Six minutes in a checkout line! Ooh, somebody stop me, I'm laughing!
  • Your Mom.
    • Your wife.
    • Your cat.
    • All of that is wrong.
    • ...to say out loud.
  • Ask politely for one.
  • I'd do anything for a Klondike Bar, but I won't do that.
    • ...But my sister will.
  • Very little; I don't like ice cream all that much.
  • It'd take too long to give the full details, but let's just say that it involves twelve zebras, a flying saucer, a sack of cactus prickles, and a large toothbrush.
  • Sorry, I'm lactose intolerant. If I ate one—
    • I'M LACTOSE MAN! *punches above poster in the guts*
    • Wow. Okay. Just...expose me.
  • Kill a man.
    • With this thumb!
  • Fluttershy wouldn't miss tea with Discord.
  • I would walk five hundred miles and I would walk five hundred more.
• Where do you want to go today?
  • To the moon, Alice!
    • Why wait? *kicks the above troper, sending them flying to the moon*
    • Okay, that's great cause you about to go bananas... ON THE MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOON!
  • I don't wanna land in New York City, don't wanna land in Mexico; don't wanna land in Three Mile Island; don't wanna see my skin aglow....
    • New York City? I hear they make such great salsa.
  • To the Batcave!
  • Lets go hit the club and have ourselves a little fuckfest!
  • Where we're going, we don't need roads.
  • Toward freedom!
• Where's the Beef?
  • It's over there, in a box.
  • In the freezer so it doesn't go bad.
  • It ain't in this Findus lasagne, that's for sure.
  • "You can converse with animals, too."
  • On Mount Pajamaja.
  • Moo. Are you happy now?
  • "You ain't so bad"
  • "Beef? I am lacking in beef. This troper is beefless."
  • Found your beef, series is over!
  • Kids aren't gonna get that reference!
  • I don't have your beef! And FUCK you anyway!
  • I ate it.
  • We've abolished every slaughterhouse on Earth. Enjoy your synthetic, vat-grown veal.
  • So, you found the beef! Or, wait, I mean... the thief! I am joyful!
  • Beef. It's What's For Dinner. Tonight.
  • Gone. Reduced to atoms.
  • Our apologies. The Original Beef is now closed. The Bear is coming.
• WAZZUP?
  • A perspective-based fictitious directional concept generated by flat thinking on a round-planet, differing radically based on location on the globe or on other globes.
  • The opposite of 'down.'
  • Gazorpazorp.
  • The Sky
  • A touching story about a man and a boyscout travelling to South America in a flying house.
  • Your hands up, that's what!
  • Your time.
  • The Ceiling
  • Nothin'. Just chillin', killin'.
  • WAZZDOWN?
• Who are you?
  • I am the terror that flaps in the night!
  • I am the egg man. They are the egg men. I am the walrus. Coo coo ca choo.
    • SnooPING AS usual, I see? Oh, wrong Eggman...
  • I! AM! Drunk off my ass right now.
  • Who am I? Who is but a noun following the function of what and what I am is a man in a mask.
  • What do you want? Why are you here? Where are you going?
  • I am the hope of the universe. I am the answer to all living things that cry out for peace. I am protector of the innocent. I am the light in the darkness. I am truth. Ally to good... NIGHTMARE TO YOU!
    • You haven't figured it out yet? I'm the Saiyan who came all the way from Earth with the sole purpose of beating you. I am the warrior you've heard of in legends - pure of heart and awakened by fury - that's what I am. I am the Super Saiyan - Son Goku!
    • I am the hope of the omniverse! I am the lightbulb in the darkness! I am the bacon in the fridge for all living things that cry out in hunger! I am the Alpha and the Amiga! I am the terror that flaps in the night! I am Son Goku and I am a Super... Saiyan!
  • I'm no one.
    • But not to me.
  • I'm nobody.
    • My career is largely a matter of futures.
    • Who are you? / Are you nobody too? / Then there's a pair of us - don't tell! / They'd banish us, you know. /How dreary to be somebody! / How public, like a frog / To tell your name the livelong day / To an admiring bog!
  • I am a Rock
  • I'm Qibli. This post is getting reported to Queen Thorn.
  • I Am A Maaaan!!! O=('-'Q)
  • I'm an apeman, I'm an ape, apeman, oh I'm an apeman, I'm a King Kong man, I'm a voodoo man, oh I'm an apeman.
  • I'm just a sweet transvestite from transsexual Transylvania.
  • I'm Bart Simpson, who the hell are you?
  • My name is Finlay and I love to fight!
  • Some people call me the space cowboy, yeah. Some call me the gangster of love. Some people call me Maurice, 'cause I speak of the pompatus of love.
  • I'm the Doctor. I'm a Time Lord. I'm from the planet Gallifrey in the Constellation of Kasterborous. I'm 903 years old and I'm the man who is gonna save your lives and all 6 billion people on the planet below. You got a problem with that?
    • And you are basically just a rabbit, aren't you? Okay, carry on, just a... general warning.
  • I am the very model of a modern major general / I've information vegetable, animal and mineral...
    • I can fire at a target and hit it at least half the time,
      or graph out an electron path while using only numbers prime,
      I calculate the fall rate of a bullet shot a thousand yards,
      I perforate the thick heads of a hundred military guards.
      I can make a simulation of an atom bomb and build one too,
      Or flank a dozen men and ambush ten of them right out of the blue,
      From SMGs to RPGs, I carry quite an arsenal,
      And skip around a war zone like a sub-atomic particle.
      STILL NO CHORUS!
      Every soldier out here wants to kill me for my curiosity,
      I wage war on the whole damn world because of my tenacity,
      In matters combat tactical and physics theoretical,
      I am the very model of a modern Major-General.
      Okay, come on, sing and I won't kill you! Those of you that are left, I mean.
  • I'm BoJack the Horse. (BoJack!) BoJack the Horse, don't act like you don't know.
  • Hello. My Name Is Inigo Montoya. You Killed My Father. Prepare to Die.
    • Do you have the slightest idea how little that narrows it down?
    • I've killed very many fathers, you'll have to be more specific.
    • I killed my father, too, and you don't hear me whining about it!
  • I'm the Trash Man!
  • I am you from the future! No Time to Explain!
    • I need you to- OH GOD MY SPINE!
  • I'M PICKLE RICK!!
    • I'M MR. MEESEEKS, LOOK AT ME!
  • Who~ are you? Who-who, who-who?
  • I'm a banana, I'm a banana, I'm a banana, LOOK AT ME MOVE!
  • I'm Nina! I'm from America!
  • I'm Nick Nocturne, and I'll be seeing you again real soon. Sleep tight.
  • Excuse me? I think the question is "Who are YOU?"
    • I'll do YOU one better — WHY is Gamora?!
  • I'm the video game boy! I'M THE ONE WHO WINS!
  • "I'm Leo!" "I'm Andy!" "And I'm Carmen! Our parents work in a circus that travels all around the world, and we travel with them." "So we never know where in the world we will end up next!" "But wherever we go, we know that Luna the moon will be there with us."
  • My name is Shadow. I'm the world's Ultimate Life Form. There's no time for games, farewell!
  • I'm... Bowser, the Remorseless King of Evil! So I'll take what I want! And I want THIS!
  • I am Magneto. I am mutant. And you will not take this world from me.
  • I AM SIEGMEYER OF CATARINA, AND YOU SHALL FEEL MY WRATH!
  • I. AM. A. CRIMINAL.
  • I am King Dedede, and I will defeat you!
  • "I'm the speed!" "I'm the power!" "And I'm just plain lame…"
  • Hi. We're the island crew who stands here in the middle of the island in case someone washes ashore so we can conk them on the head. We just love to conk. We almost changed our name to the "Conking Crew" but Jerry here thought it was stupid. F*ck you, Jerry!
  • I aM TORgo. I Take CARe oF THe pLaCE whILE the MASTer is awAY.
  • "I'm Black." "And I'm Joy." "And on behalf of my balls," "We shall punish you!"
  • Luna's Luna!
  • Welcome, traveller. I am Shang Tsung, and this... is my island.
  • My Name is Doof and You'll Do What I Say—WOOP WOOP!
  • Who is the girl who never plays nice... and wishes that all rubber duckies would sink? Who interrupts people and never thinks twice? / Me! I'm the Lady in Pink! / Lady in Pink, Lady in Pink! / She does terrible things! / Even worse than you think!
  • I'm a bun! I'm a bun! I'm a tasty tasty bun!
  • Hiya, class! I’m your cool new teacher! Not some scary guy with a secret evil agenda!
  • I think you think my name is Bloverfish.
  • It's...Guinevere.
  • His name is Lance-a-lot, and in tight pants-a-lot!
  • My name is Mike, c'mon, let's robo-karaoke!
  • And so, birthed from the critical pillar, and from- uh, Robotnik's Twitter account... I'm Hot Topic.
  • Welcome to Tilted Towers. Allow me to introduce myself. My name is, Memphis Tennessee, and I'm part lizard. Nice to- yoroshiku onegaishimasu, as they say in Nippon.
  • I AM THE CHEESE! I AM THE BEST CHARACTER ON THIS SHOW! I AM BETTER THAN BOTH THE SALAMI AND THE BOLOGNA COMBINED!
  • I AM THE NIGHTMARE THAT CRUSHES YOUR DREAMS, I'M THE GREATEST CREATOR THIS WORLD'S EVER SEEN!
  • My Name Is Earl.
  • My name is Alison Green. I'm nineteen years old, I'm invincible, I'm stronger than any human being who has ever lived, and I have no idea what the fuck I am doing.
  • My Name Is Emily.
  • I AM DOLMECK, THE DEVIL'S CONSORT! GUARDIAN OF ALL EVIL!
  • I am... American businessman. Osama... Erm... Smith. See! I drive American Mustang. And look: English.
  • My name is Biggoron, guardian of this temple and I say: none shall pass. Especially any heroes of time who stole the sword from me in the last series.
  • I'm a furry. Now, I didn't always look like this. I was a lot smaller.
  • I'M AN INDESTRUCTIBLE MASTER OF WAR!
    • YOU ARE DEAD. ...BECAUSE YOU'RE INDESTRUCTIBLE.
  • My Name Is Nobody.
  • My name is Draco Malfoy. I am a racist. I despise gingers, and Mudbloods. I hate Gryffindor House, and my parents work for the man who killed your parents. Do you want to be my friend?
  • I am Shao Kahn! Konqueror of Worlds! You will taste no victory!
  • I am Mr. Cold, Frieza's daddy. I'm so happy to finally get to meet Frieza's friends.
  • I'm your worst nightmare.
    • Who-in-the-hell-is-Coodoo? Who-in-the-hell-is-Coodoo? Who-in-the-hell-is-Coodoo? Ha-ha-haaaaa! I am a brony!
    • You're me when I'm late to school and I forgot my homework and my pants are made of pudding?
    • A big pile of broccoli?
  • I am vengeance. I am the night. I... Am... BATMAN!
  • My name is Billy. My favorite number's zero. My favorite color's clear. My favorite subject's lunch.
  • "I'm Cosmo!" "I'm Wanda!" "And weeeeeee're... your fairy godparents!"
  • I am your host, the man they call Ghost.
  • Hello! I'm RaidenSnake, and I like eating cheese!
  • I am Esme Cordelia Hoggett, and I've come for my Arthur's pig!
  • Someone you shouldn't piss off.
  • I'm the hand of God. I'm the dark messiah.
  • My name is Bruce. I'M HAVIN' FISH TONIGHT!
  • Who am I? Who am I?!
    • What are you even saying?!
      I'm the loser of the game you
      Didn't know you were playing!
    • I AM THE GUARDIAN OF LOST SOOOUUUULLSSSSSS! I AM THE POWERFUL, THE PLEASURABLE, THE INDESTructable Mushu.
  • I forget.
    ...
    Oh, hey, I just remembered! I'm Ethan Bradberry the Cucumber!
  • My name is Jeff.
  • I am the Milkman. My milk is delicious.
  • I'm just a little goat!
  • "I'm Rey." "Rey who?"
    • Rey-venge of the Sith! Whahahahaha! Bow before your Empress! Dark Side!
  • My friends call me... Dick.
    • Well, children can be cruel.
  • Who am I? You sure you want to know? The story of my life is not for the faint of heart. If somebody said it was a happy little tale... if somebody told you I was just your average ordinary guy, not a care in the world... somebody lied.
  • I…AM…TRUTH! THE VOICE OF THE COVENANT!
    • And so…you must be silenced!
    • And I… am… Iron Man.
  • My name is Agent Olive. This is my partner, Agent Otto. This is a stupid answer to a stupid question. But back to Otto and me.
  • I'm you.
    • "But with a much shorter criminal record." "Impossible! I popped out of the womb with a record a mile long!"
    • No, I'M me.
    • "I'm me," he says.
  • I'm the night guard.
  • I'm the famous comedian, Arnold Braunschweiger.
  • I'm the ghost that goes "Bang" in the night, punk.
  • It's-a me, Mario!
    • It's me Pekora!
  • I AM ERROR.
  • I'm the cure for a sick, sad world.
  • Someone with nothing to lose.
  • The Flash. Fastest Man Alive?
  • Someone who knows a thing or two about evil.
  • My name is a killing word.
  • The next step in your evolution.
  • I am Brainiac-6, your descendant.
  • Your imperiled future.
  • Dun, dun, DAHHHHH! I am Captain Chaos! And this is my faithful companion, Kato.
  • I am Groot.
    • And I am Iron Man.
  • No one knows.
  • I'm the man in the box.
  • I am your father! I brought you into this world, and I'ma take you out!
  • I am the one who knocks!
  • "I am Hans." "Und I am Franz." "And we are going to pump..." *clap* "...you up!"
  • I'm you ten minutes from now.
  • There are some who call me...Tim.
  • My name is Kiiiiiiiiiiiiiiid! Kid Rock!
  • I'm Larry. This is my brother Darryl. This is my other brother Darryl.
  • Hello, I am a dwarf...named Zippity Do.
    • Greetings. I am Marrrrrrrrr.
    • Hello, Marrrr. I am Bing Bong, the archer. I'm an archer and stuff.
    • Hi. My name is...ew! Hector the Well-Endowed? Abed!
    • My name is Lavernica. I have three armors, boots, a belt, a torch...
    • Worst introduction ever. Check it. My name is Brutalitops! The magician. Abracadabra, baby.
  • Princess Consuela Bananahammock.
  • They call me Hector. Got a last name too, but I can't pronounce it.
  • Miami Vice, pal!
  • You-a winna! Ha-ha-HA! You-a winna! Ha-ha-HA! You-a winna! Ha-ha-HA!
  • (theme music) Prepare for trouble!
• You've just won the Super Bowl! What are you going to do next?
  • I'm going to Disney World!
    • Really? 'Cause I'm a travel agent, and I've heard nothing but bad things.
    • And then I'm going to destroy it!
    • All references to Disney World are copyright The Walt Disney Corporation.
  • I'm going to...bed.
  • I'm going to...take a cruise!
  • I will topple the statues of great dictators to make place for greater parks.
  • I'll Kill You!
    • I still get death threats often, so their meaning starts to suffer.
    • Never Heard That One Before.
    • I KILL YOU! I BREAK EBBERY PHONE IN YO BAWDY! I KILL YOU, YOU BASTIR!!
    • You couldn't kill shit.
  • I'm Not Doing That Again.
  • Imagine the Audience Naked.
  • I'll Be Your Best Friend.
  • I Will Wait for You.
  • I'd Tell You, but Then I'd Have to Kill You.
  • I'm gonna collect all the pretty eggs that I can see and repeat it back to me.
  • I'm gonna kill myself, probably around 2:30 tomorrow!
  • First thing I'm gonna do is saw Mother in half! Then I'm gonna do a trick from the magic set!
  • Give you a Cold-Blooded Torture.
  • I'm gonna steal the Declaration of Independence.
  • I'm gonna...say the N word!
    • THAT'S RACIST! YOU CAN'T SAY THE N WORD!
• How do you spell relief?
  • You just did.
  • Is 'fuck' spelled right?
  • R-E-L-I-F... dammit.
  • F-A-R-T.
  • D-E-A-D-P-O-L!
• What's so hot it's cool, and what's so cool it's hot?
  • Pop... Tarts?
    • IT'S NOT POP TARTS!
  • I know the answer to that one! If you lie down in front of an open refrigerator and you wrap yourself in an electric blanket, you'll be hot and cool at the same time!
  • A RAD-iator!
  • A variable overflow error.
  • Iceland.
    • It's totally not cool.
  • Hailfire Peaks.
  • Freezeflame Galaxy.
  • Freezy Flake.
  • Shiverburn Galaxy.
  • Charfrost.
• Pornography? On MY computer?
  • What did you expect when you gave your computer to your younger sibling?
  • .....How did I- How did YOU- TAKE THAT BACK!
  • 482. No uploading porn to my CO's HUD.
  • Porn away, comrade!
  • WHO posted my NUDES on Twitter.com?!
  • Isn't that what you wanted all along? You asked for it, so I gave it to you.
• Can switching to GEICO really save you 15% or more on car insurance?
  • It kind of feels like that should depend on what you paying beforehand...
  • I'm going to reveal something so amazingly awesome, it's going to blow the viewers' minds. And that something is: I just saved a bunch of money on my car insurance by switching to GEICO!
  • Three words: Tea. Am. I.
• Grandma, can you come out and play?
  • No! Not the tickle machine!
  • I would if I could, but sadly I am only an eel.
    • But can the eel come out to play?
  • I don't know if I can pound your grandma!
  • Hey, they don't pay no mind. If you're under eighteen, you won't be doing any tie-e-ime. Hey hey, come out and play!
• You Gellin'?
  • No, but I'm jelly.
• How do you Do Dew?
  • Heh heh, you said do do...
  • With your mouth. I mean, it's not a suppository, right?
    • Uh... Sure, Let's Go with That.
  • With a grey oblong pill from Japan.
  • No sleep tonight for you, better chug that Mountain Dew!
• Wanna Sprite Cranberry?
  • I do not like Sprite Cranberry, Sam-I-Am. I would not like it with my green drugs- erm, eggs and ham.
  • Arr, now there be a treasure I need, need, need! A Sprite Cranberry!
• Excuse me, are those Bugle Boy jeans that you’re wearing?
  • Why does everyone make fun of my pants?
• Are you a Mac, or are you a PC?
  • Linux bitch, I thought you GNU?
• Pardon me... What kind of Starburst did you just say?
  • Forget I said anything.
• What do you think of Wilkins Instant Coffee?
  • That company went belly-up decades ago; why — OH MY GOD THE MUPPET HAS A CANNON!
  • Coffee tastes like your dog took a leak in it.
  • Cor! This coffee smells like shit!
  • YEAH COFFEE! YEAH COFFEE! YEAH COFFEE!
    • Less coffee... Less coffee...
  • Love in the canoe.
  • Wow, this coffee stuff is great! Coffee coffee coffee! Great! Ooh, where do they get this stuff?
  • Calm down, Tweek, have some coffee.
  • This drink, I like it. Another! *SMASH*
  • Coffee: the bitter liquid that provides the only semblance of pleasure left in these dark times.
• How do they cram all that graham into Golden Grahams?
  • What are Golden Grahams?
  • Pym Particles.
• Where the bloody hell are you?
  • Where the bloody hell are you buried?
  • I'M AT SOUP!
  • At the station.
    • DON'T YOU RUN AWAY!
  • We're in a fucking whale, you retarded bitch!
  • We're in the mini mall, working the carnival!
  • I'm just sitting here by the phone! Don't deny me, call me back! I'm so alone!
  • I'm finally somewhere that I have to be, where I’ve been living peacefully and happily!
  • Alone in a cave, surrounded by darkness.
  • That's me in the corner.
• That's a lot of damage! How about a little more?
  • 12 hit-points remaining out of 125,000,000 and they STILL whacked ME to death!
  • Bitch, please! That was 65 million hit-points of damage out of 100 billion trillion.
  • You're only supposed to blow the bloody doors off!
• Got Milk?
  • Do you see that army of cows over there? Of course I've got milk.
  • Then you're a human and must be killed.
  • Ah, thanks for asking. But no!
  • Only if it's chocolate.
    • I thought milk was pink??
• Why don't we get some Panda Cheese?
  • I can sell it, but I have never eaten it. I am UNABLE to eat it. Not even a nibble.
  • I'm Not Hungry.
    • Just you know why...
• Dad, why did they make the Great Wall of China?
  • Go Google it, son.
  • It was built to keep Chuck Norris out...and it failed miserably.
• What are you wearing, Jake from State Farm?
  • It's my ass-kicking outfit, bitch!
  • Tan shoes with pink shoelaces, a polka dot vest and man, oh, man! Tan shoes with pink shoelaces, and a big Panama with a purple hat band!
  • Blue overcoat. Fedora.
    • You really stink at this.
    • Orange socks?
  • Clean shirt, new shoes, and I don't know where I am goin' to. Silk suit, black tie. I don't need a reason why.
• So, Phil, is it?
  • He's Phil, Phil, Phil of the Future!
    Keeping it together just as best as he can!
    Phil, Phil, Phil of the Future!
    He's a 22nd century man!
  • Phil? His first name is "Agent".
• Why can't we just get in the running car?
  • My mother warned me about getting into cars with strange men.
    • This isn't a car.
  • I lost my license, now I don't drive.
    • You don't need a license to drive a sandwich.
• What do you want on your Tombstone?
  • PEPPERONI! And it was all just a dream...
  • "Here lies Squidwards hopes and dreams."
    • What a baby.
  • "Here stood a mightier kind, Tikal and Copan combined."
  • Impotency Spokesman.
  • Rest in spaghetti, never forgetti.
    • o7
  • How about "Yippee-ki-yay...motherfucker"?
  • I'd like two words on my tombstone: "What If."
  • Once upon a time, there was a man named Odd. One day, he went to his lawyer to work out details for when he died. One of his provisions was that his tombstone would be completely blank. After some talk with his disbelieving lawyer, they agreed to have his grave marked with a blank tombstone. Years later, Odd died and his grave was marked with a blank tombstone. The day after his tombstone was set in place, a couple walked by and looked at it. The man said "Look, that tombstone is completely blank." The woman said "That's odd."
  • "Here Lies a Big, Wet Cat".
  • "Here Lies Beavis. He Never Scored".
• Now some folks will tell you that I'm dealing in poison. But hey, do I look like the kind of guy who would do that to you?
  • YOU LOOK LIKE A SNAKE!
    • A snake, am I? Perhaps you'd like to see how ssssssnakelike I can be!
  • Snakes. Why did it have to be snakes?
• Should we tell them it says "PULL"?
  • Exactly.
  • It's a pull! It's a pull! See? It didn't help.
• Is it in you?
  • What?
  • (Gulp!) Now it is.
  • Depends. What is "it"?
    • It's it!
• You didn't tell them about the Rumble Pack, did you?
  • What is the Rumble Pack?
  • Well, they've got a PlayStation, so it didn't matter.
• Jack, um, how do you know if you're a lesbian?
  • I am absolute, I am never wrong. And I am not Jack, I am the Grid.
  • My grandma was Dutch Irish, and my grandpa was lesbian! That makes me quarter-lesbian!
  • She returned 'Fast Times' paused at 53 minutes, 5 seconds. Know who pauses 'Fast Times' at 53 minutes, 5 seconds? People who like boobies.
• Did someone say KFC?
  • Carl, what do you want? You gotta eat to keep your strength up, man.
    • Hey, I'll take a number 9. Fat boy.
    • Give me a number 9, just like his.
    • Uh, let me get a number 6 with extra dip.
    • I'll have two number 9s, a number 9 large, a number 6 with extra dip, a number 6, two number 45s, one with cheese, and a large soda.
  • No, I said K of C. We're looking for the Knights of Columbus.
• What is anime?
  • A mistake. It's nothing but trash.
  • See here.
• So you think Santa will like these red and green M&M's?
  • Your hypothesis will be proven false.
  • Now, there's a rumor that Santa wears a big red suit. Ninjas do not wear red. And neither does Santa. He wears a black Gi. But it is extremely heavily stained with the blood of children who sneak down in the middle of the night trying to get a peek at Old St. Kick. Kids, stop doing that! He has to kill you! It's part of the Ninja code.
  • As long as there are no brown ones, Van Halen will play here.
• It's on again this summer
  We'll take on every comer
  The question is, who will make the team?
  • Will the wild and wooly new boys
    Beat the tested, tried, and true boys?
    'cause there's only just eleven vacancies
• Hey! Where's the cream filling?!
  • I'm sorry, fellas. The bakery's closed.
    • The muffin shop is CLOSED!
  • Uh, ma'am? The cream filling is an option which you did not order.
• R U OK?
  • BUSTAH WOLF!
  • I'm OK, You're OK, we're OK, we're fine
    I thought I heard a semi trailer -- Greg, you missed the stop sign!
• Ever been so wide awake?
  • I haven't slept in nine months and I'm sick of it!
• Hey, tell me something. There's a delicious Subway food montage going on right behind me, isn't there?
  • What's behind me is not important.
• Have you driven a Ford lately?
  • Yes. Everyone has.
• Can he see why kids love the taste of Cinnamon Toast Crunch?
• What's a Dhalsim?

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