- In "This Is My...", Lee tried to persuade the other team that the guest of the week was the man who was responsible for transferring music to his iPod. David was skeptical. An argument ensued, and it got so hilariously heated that at one point Angus had to remind David that there was a possibility that Lee was lying.David: Lee, if that iPod thing is true, you're not the man I thought you were, and that's the price you'll pay for this petty victory.
- David Mitchell's rant against Anne Robinson when the fact in the "Ring of Truth" round was that Ben and Jerry's had released a limited edition Anne Robinson flavoured ice cream. Even the other panellists were laughing.David: So what was the Anne Robinson [ice cream] called?
Angus Deayton: "Ginger Ice Queen".
Jimmy Carr: Ginger ice cream's really nice.
David: Yeah, it's gonna taste of ginger, not of that bitch. Y'know, ginger is a recognised pleasant flavour. She's a recognised arsehole. That's — that's totally different. People who like ginger enough to be able to stomach the sight of her face while they eat it — I can believe those people exist. So that's definitely become a lot more plausible. Suddenly you're saying that "Ice cream the flavour of a woman who's undergone loads of surgery, is obsessed with money and for some reason considers herself witty"? No, no, no! Ginger ice cream with a picture of that bitch — yes!Angus: Next week when Anne Robinson is our guest, she'll be on Lee's team.
- Jimmy Carr reading out the statement "I lost my virginity age 26", and everyone on David's team instantly saying it was true.
- Dara Ó Briain reading out "I have received a text message from Bono."Ulrika Jonsson: Course you have. You're Irish.
Dara: And there are seven of us.
Ulrika: About that.
Dara: One big house and we all dance in a circle around together.
- When David Mitchell learnt that Mike Read had performed a ten-minute rap at the recent Conservative Party conference:David: How are [the Tories] ever going to get back into office? Are they trying? Is it match-fixing? Is someone bribing them to be terrible at politics? Mike Read! Ten minutes! Rapping?! What the fuck is that?! Democracy -- in this country -- The reason Tony Blair can start wars for no- you know, without asking people - is that there's no opposition! It's their fault! It's Mike Read's fault! The deaths of our servicemen are on his conscience!
- Although Lee's post-rant comeback may well balance a smaller crown atop the existing.Lee: Sorry David, I've made a mistake, it's false!
- Though it was true.
- Although Lee's post-rant comeback may well balance a smaller crown atop the existing.
- David Mitchell's rant after having to defend the lie "I have formulated a 5-step plan for survival if I were in prison." Since it was a lie, he had to make up a five step plan on the spot. The list makes almost no sense at all, and when he is eventually called out on it, he goes on a lengthy rant about how unfair this card is:David Mitchell: Are there other cards in here like, y'know: "you have 19 different names for your grandmother." "What are they?" "Uh, granny, nan, uh uh..." A five-point plan for how to survive in prison? I've got no idea how to survive in prison! Don't go to prison! Only commit crimes you can get away with! That was horrible.
- The Ice Warden.David: I am the Ice Warden. I do not own the ice, I guard the ice for future generations. I am one with walrus and seal.
- The entry in the main page for Pull the Thread, where Krishnan Guru-Murthy catches Lee Mack in a blatant contradiction and, after a beat, an ecstatic Rob Brydon shouts "Thank you, sir!"
- David's lock of hair:David, reading the card: This is the lock of Steve Davis' hair which I bought on eBay.
Lee: True! Absolutely true! You can move on, now, Angus. That is so true.
Frankie Boyle: Why did you buy it, David?
David: I was a fan of snooker, and I was a bit drunk. The confluence of those two influences.
Lee: Are you a massive fan of Steve Davis, then?
David: Well, he's very good at snooker!
Lee: How many times did he win the world championship?
Lee: No, he didn't...
David: Yes, he did!
Lee: Don't outbluff me; neither of us know.note
- Although most of the Mitchell / Mack interplay belongs here (and indeed is one of the highlights of the show), Lee's coconut story is a particular standout:Lee: [reading the card] This is the coconut that nearly killed me.
Trisha Goddard: Where were you?
Lee: Under a coconut tree, where d'you think?
Trisha: In which country?
Lee: The coconut country of...
Rich Hall: [in a fit of laughter] Coconuttia.
Lee: I was actually in... er... Thailand. I was in Thailand on holiday, I was stood underneath a coconut tree, and... well... The coconut fell off the tree, barely missing me...
Trisha: And you brought it home? I'm suspicious, 'cause you're not allowed to bring fruit and vegetables from foreign countries into...
Lee: Well, you've made the classic mistake, haven't you, Trisha? Because the coconut isn't a fruit or a vegetable. It is in fact a seed.
Rich: It almost hit you?
Lee: It went [whoosh] right past my face. Hit my shoulder, bounced off, on the floor.
David: Why did you decide to keep it?
Lee: Because I thought it'd make a nice anecdote. Clearly I was wrong.
David: At the moment of shoulder pain, the moment when your shoulder has been bruised, possibly shattered by the coconut, you think "I must keep that for anecdotal reasons!" I don't want to be rude, but "This is a coconut. It fell off a tree, hit me on the shoulder, but obviously if it had hit me on the head in the right place I might have died" is not as interesting a story as perhaps you think, and might actually elicit the response, "If only it had."
Lee: [holding up the coconut] I will throw this coconut at your head now, right... Hang on, now, I will, David.
David: No, No.
Lee: Stop talking, then, stop talking. I will throw this coconut at your head, and hit you on the shoulder really hard. And I guarantee...
David: ...If they see...
Lee: DON'T PUSH ME, DAVID! DO NOT PUSH ME!
[Rich and Trisha move away from David]
David: No one is insured for that to happen.
- Richard Wilson's Blatant Lies in the "this is my..." round where he claimed to have made an exercise video called "The Richard Wilson Learn Dancing Video" to inspire young people to get fit through ballroom dancing. It turned out to be true, they even showed a clip to prove it.
- Jason Manford claims to have applied to Mastermind with the specialist subject Columbo. David immediately begins grilling him on the episodes in which William Shatner appeared, and just after he settles on it being a lie, Lee leans over to look at Jason's card. He was supposed to claim to have had the specialist subject Columbia.
- Lee Mack's bluff about a woman giving his dog mouth to mouth. Especially this bit:Lee Mack: And at that moment, he looked up at me and said -David Mitchell: He said 'now I can speak! This lady has blown her soul into me!' And then the dog got in the car and drove off.
- Tara Palmer-Tomkinson may not have been a crowd favourite, but she did set off David Mitchell something hilarious:Lee: This book, David; could you just tell us a little bit about The Lonely Lighthouse?
David: Well, yes, I could...
Tara: Is it autobiographical?
David: Bloody hell, that's a low blow! Yes, it's about a desolate building standing alone that's finally demolished.
Lee: David, David, "very bright." There's a positive, you're very bright, but very lonely, so it's quite like...
David: ...Shining my light pointlessly into the darkness. The only way I get any human company is if I turn the light off and people crash onto the rocks below me.
- Occasionally, cards will force one of the contestants to make things up on the spot.Graeme Garden: [reading from card] I have five pigs, all named after my favourite newsreaders.
Lee: Wonder what the question's going to be here?
David: At this point we have to ask you "Which five newsreaders?"
Michael McIntyre: Can't we guess them? Can't we guess them?
David: No, we can't. He has to...
Michael: Please can we guess them?
David: You've got-
David: You've got absolutely no idea how-
Michael: Brian Hanrahan?
David: You- you-
Michael: Trevor McDonald.
David: You... this is just... This is suicide! Are you working for them?
Michael: Sorry! [laughs]
David: This is the opportunity where Graeme has to rattle off five newsreaders and you've just handed him four on a plate!
Michael: You're absolutely...
David: You idiot!
Michael: No, you're right, I...
David: Shall we give him more time?!
David: Would you like a pen and paper, Graeme?! Maybe we should all leave the room and work on an essay about it!
Michael: Can I ask- can I ask, Garden-
David: No you can't! Silence! What are the names of the five newsreaders, please, Graeme?
Graeme: What was the first one you said?
- Lee Mack's hilarious response to Michael McIntyre's claim that he once drove a car that could only turn left for two weeks. Even funnier when it turned out to be true. In a deleted scene from the end-of-season compilation, Lee Mack said he still didn't believe it, leading to a hilarious argument with David Mitchell.Lee Mack: That lie's not just bad, it's so bad that you should just leave, go, get out right now! The exit's just on your right, so you're gonna have to go left, then left, then left, then left.... [audience laughs and applauds]
Michael McIntyre: Oh, I'm really upset now! No, don't applaud him! Well how d'you like this, it's TRUE, get over yourself! [presses "TRUE" button; more audience applause]
Lee Mack: Right - I don't believe that. No way in the world you've had a car for two weeks that can't turn right- do I look like a simpleton!?- don't answer that! You cannot drive a car- you'd be going around the one-way system forever, you lunatic! [twirls his finger in circles]
David Mitchell: You've- you've got to understand the very truths they pick are the unlikely ones!
Lee: Unlikely!? Right, my go! [pretends to read from card] I used to live on the Moon! No, unlikely, but true!
David: Do you consider that to be equally unlikely!?
Lee: Yes! I do!
David: Well, you're an idiot! No-one has ever lived on the Moon, cars have been damaged!
Lee: He's lying!...
David: It's so good, they put it on television!
- One of the facts is that Bono once paid for his favorite hat to be flown first-class in time for him to wear it for a show. It then transpires that it actually traveled in the cockpit, having been upgraded from first class.David: See, never buy a first-class ticket, you might end up getting "upgraded" and having to fly the fucking plane.
Episode 9 (Compilation episode)
- Russell Howard is claiming that he got bullied at school because his mother was the dancer in the title sequence to Tales of the Unexpected when he was little. David Mitchell, refusing to believe this, applies copious pressure on Howard to explain all the little self-contractions, until finally Howard admits that he is lying through his teeth, basically forfeiting a point to David's team.Danny Baker: Your mother was a professional dancer, or an actress, or...?
Russell: She was a professional dancer, yeah.
David Mitchell: What were the other highlights of your mother's dancing career?
Russell: Erm, we never really went into it.
David: So you never-
Russell: Youre not gonna go, aged 8 "Hey mum, you done any other dancing?"
David: To be fair, you might have spoken to your mother since the age of 8, and discussed her career then.
Russell: Yes. But it's something we don't really-
David: You don't talk about your mother's embarrassing dancing past?
Russell: Not really, no.
David: You have never asked, or bothered to find out, what else she did in her career as a dancer?
Russell: Well, it's clearly a fucking lie, isn't it?
David: Do I get extra points for capitulation?
- After a round involving David apparently being rejected for a job at McDonalds being proven false, both David and Lee rebel against Rob's subsequent class joke.Rob: Yes, it's a lie. David's never even been to McDonalds. Although he —
David: Of course I've been to McDonalds.
Lee: The next part of the joke is: "He went to visit Lee." [Lee wearily mimes handing over a fast-food order]
Rob: [sternly] Can I please be allowed to read the autocue joke? David's never even been, although he was once mildly tempted to pop in and sample their short-lived McPheasant Zinger.
David: Excellent. Good work. Good work, the joke computer.
- "I am to die, it appears. Ah well, all things come to an end."
- Stephen Mangan: "Not in my wildest dreams did I ever think I'd hear Ken Livingstone say 'anus' so many times!"
- Ken Livingstone: "You should have been around on election night."
- The entire exchange when Jimmy Carr claimed that Prince Philip called him a funny-looking kid when he was a ballboy at Wimbledon. Classic moment thanks to Carr, Jamelia and Lee Mack.Jamelia: It could be true because of... his face, but- (cut off by the audience laughing) No, I don't think]], I don't think you're ugly, I just think- (more laughter, while Terry Christian starts miming digging) No, sorry! I just think you've got a very unique face no one will ever forget your face.Jimmy: How am I being bullied by Jamelia?! How did that happen?!
- David is sceptical of the story because the Royals are usually represented at Wimbledon by the Duke and Duchess of Kent rather than Prince Philip, "who's got more important sporting events to go and be racist at."
- Rob's zinger after Jimmy reveals it's a lie: "What a moment. Perhaps the funniest man in Britain, known for his off-colour material, finally getting to meet Jimmy Carr."
- Jimmy Carr and Lee are mocking David (yet again) on his poshness, and he loses it.Jimmy: [Imitating David] Where are the pheasants, there's no bloody pheasants. I don't understand. We'll never catch the fox at this rate.
David Mitchell: [livid] What are you- what are you talking about?! Pheasants? Dogs?! Fox?! What sort of menagerie do you imagine I would be imagining? Here I am in my castle, with ten different sorts of vaguely posh animal all fighting each other, then I kill a servant and have sex with a wall!
- Rob Brydon and Christine Bleakley's innuendo-laden dance number.Christine: You go the other way.
Rob: No, I do not!
- This exchange.Janet Street-Porter: Unlike you, Rob, my IQ makes double figures.
[Everyone reacts in shock]
Dave Gorman: I think it's triple figures you're aiming at.
- Lee's rant after he had failed to defend his "Possession" claim, which was a wall map of the UK which he marked every service station he had ever visited on:Lee Mack [bashing the rolled-up map against the desk]: Can I just say, to the idiots that come up with these questions — as if it's not hard enough that I put little stickers on a map, because I fill up and I like to keep track — you think, "Oh no, how can we make it harder?" We'll have four of them with blue on, one with an F, and one with a bloody asterisk! How the hell am I supposed to do that? Why don't you just stick one in the middle of the Atlantic Ocean? [throws the map over his shoulder]
- Olympic cyclist Sir Chris Hoy claims he was approached by NASA to be the first cyclist on the Moon. Danny Wallace attempts to perform his cunning interrogative tricks learned from his journalistic days.Danny: I can sort this out. It's quite a bold claim you're making there, Chris. Tell me, is it true?
Chris: Of course it's true.
Rob: Oh, very good, very good.
Lee: Hey, woah woah woah woah woah!
Danny, Lee: [in unison] He might be lying!
- Gabby Logan suggests that you wouldn't be able to cycle well on the Moon so there would be no point in sending Chris Hoy 'you might as well send Lee'. We then get a Digging Yourself Deeper sequence with Lee being mock-hurt at the insinuation, and David suggesting that NASA had actually come down to a shortlist of Chris and Lee for the task.
- Ruth Jones' story in the "This Is My" round, involving her pet tortoise accidentally being sent to a recycling plant and almost being killed by a Conveyor Belt o' Doom. It was true.
- Peter Serafinowicz and Cofftea. Particularly:Lee: You could've called it Toffee. That would've sounded, uh...David: There's already a thing called toffee.
- The entire horse story.[Kevin Bridges has claimed that he and a friend rented a horse in Bulgaria for 25 minutes each and discovered they had inadvertently purchased the horse instead]
David Mitchell: [after the discussion has been going on for some time] Let's forget about the 25 minutes ... that's absolutely obviously bullshit. You take the horse back. [Lee Mack puts his face in his hands] Guy B, who's the guy you met on the way to the stables, he's gone, no sign of him, so you say to Guy A, "Well, we hired this as part of your 'not actually bothering to go to the stables but getting a few hundred yards away' scheme, we hired this horse for 25 minutes at an extortionate rate, nevertheless, here it is..." And what did he say?
Kevin: We went back to the place where we picked up the horse—
David: Oh, so not to the stable! But to the random point in the road, a couple of hundred yards away from the stables, thinking bewilderedly - "Where has the mysterious man gone?" I would have thought that logically, when you were returning it, having thought that it had come from the stable, that you'd been lucky not to have to walk to the stable before hiring it, you might nevertheless have thought "Well, the stable's where it's got to go back to", rather than "Well, sod 'em! This is where we picked it up from! I'm not gonna take it to the stable. I'm gonna stand here, 300 yards away from the stable, going COME OVER HERE! COME AND GET YOUR OWN HORSE!" At which point locals start waving-going, "NO! YOU KEEP!"
Rob Brydon: (trying to restore order) Kevin, Kevin, Kevin, look at me, look at me. You're taking the horse back -
Lee Mack: (dying) 'Look at me'...!
Rob: (with emphasis) What happened next?
[the panel is too overcome with laughter for Kevin to respond for a few moments]
Kevin: So, where are we taking off from?
Rob: You're taking the horse back—
David: Let's go back to the start—
Rob: Kevin Bridges, for the love of God, please tell us what happened.
Kevin: Right. We bought a horse (crowd starts to fall apart again) we thought we'd rented a horse, we done the horse riding, we took it back to the initial place where we picked up the horse. The locals explained we'd met a counterfeit-horse-guy, who wasn't [the panel starts to crack up again] from the official horse riding stable—
David: This was a counterfeit horse? (Rob makes a 'hold it' gesture but is ignored) This wasn't a genuine horse? This was maybe two guys in a costume?
Stephen Mangan: That would explain the 25 minutes! [mimes being the back half of a pantomime horse] I can only do 25 minutes!
Lee: The giveaway was after 25 minutes when one went — [he stands up and mimes smoking] Right, let's crack on, lads!
Rob: So, David's team, what do you think? Truth or lie?
[David's team breaks into incredulous laughter]
David: It's — I — I mean — the trouble with this game is, it plays tricks with your mind. But — I don't think it's true...
Stephen/David/Keeley Hawes: It's got to be a lie, got to be a lie.
Rob: You're saying it's a lie. Right, so here we go. This really is...
David: The moment!
Rob: This is, more than any episode I've done of this show, this is the moment we've been waiting for! Kevin Bridges, is it true or is it a lie?
Kevin: It's true!
- Even before that, there was how it started:Kevin: <reading off the card with his thick accent> "I once accidentally bought a horse."Rob: Sorry? You bought a what?Kevin: A horse.Rob: A horse! Sorry, I missed the 'S'!
- Which helped set up Kevin's joke about "There was a Bulgarian guy, trying to speak English, and two Scottish guys, trying to speak English."
- Even before that, there was how it started:
- British Accents:Ben Fogle: [reading from his card] I was interrogated for six hours on suspicion of being a spy.
Lee: Wow. Wurr? [Ben just smiles and nods] Wurr?
Lee: Wurr! Sorry, it's the accent! [turning to Hugh Dennis] Can you interpret?
Hugh: [shouts across the room in World War II-era RP accent] WHEAHHH...
Ben: [shouting back] WHEAHHH...
Hugh: WHEAH WHEH YOO IN-TERRO-GA-TED?
- Ronnie Corbett having to claim he went into a shop the other week to buy four candles.Lee: Could I just say- Can you please let me have my childhood dream, can I please say to Ronnie Corbett: "D'you mean 'andles for forks?"
- David Mitchell and Rhod Gilbert's argument over whether or not dogs like Marmite.Rhod: I don't think there's anyone on the planet who can answer that question.
David: You don't think there's anyone on the planet who can—
Rhod: —who can answer the question "Do all dogs like Marmite?" No, I don't there's anyone who can answer that question.
David: I don't want this to sound like a rebuke, but what you're saying is, if anyone knew whether or not all dogs hate Marmite—
Rhod: Well, that's very much just the other side of the coin.
David: What? No, no, no, no, this isn't a coin— [briefly incoherent] — there's "all dogs hate Marmite", there's "all dogs like Marmite", or there's "dogs have a similar view to Marmite as humans"!
Rhod: What, love it or hate it?
Lee Mack: Rhod, Rhod, Rhod, as someone who's now in Series Four, you never get into conversations like this with David. He always wins or wears you down — just don't do it.
- Deborah Meaden stated that her house used to be possessed, so she hired a priest to come and exorcise it. It led to this gem:Bernard Cribbins: How much did he charge?
Deborah: He didn't charge anything.
Lee: It's a good thing he didn't because if you couldn't afford to pay the bill, he'd come back and repossess your house.
Lee: I'm not going to lie, I'm taking tomorrow off.
David: I don't know whether I enjoyed the joke more or your look of pride afterwards.
- David and Lee's argument when Lee claimed he had been beaten at swingball by a chimpanzee in a South African zoo while drunk.David: What time of day was this?
Lee: Time of day?? Before the monkey's bedtime!
David: Are you refusing to answer?
Lee: [obviously stalling] I'm not refusing, but I'm thinking about it for a while because I don't know if you mean South African time or English time, which is very similar, but I think there's an hour's difference - do you mean the South African time?
David: I mean the South Af- the local time, yes.
Lee: The local time, I believe- sorry, you've thrown me a bit, 'cause most times I tell people I've-
David: Local time, at the zoo, on the occasion of your match against the chimpanzee!
Lee: I've been using this - I can't lie, over the years, I've been using this anecdote with the darts and things, "Oh, did I ever tell you, lads, about the time I played swingball with a chimpanzee?" No-one's ever said, [imitating David's voice] "What time of day was this?" You threw me for a second, most people go, "A chimpanzee, swingball?? Tell us more, you interesting person!"
David: I suppose what's different is that while when you tell that as an anecdote in the pub, people go, "It's polite to go along with the bullshit that Lee talks..."
Lee: [open-mouthed with shock] No! No, they're interested! They kiss me and everything!
Joanna Page: Why were you in South Africa?
David: Don't- don't! I want the- I want the time of day! Time of day!
Lee: The time of day-
David: Make up a time of day!
Lee: [shouting] I couldn't beat a chimpanzee at swingball because I was drunk! How am I gonna remember the time of day!? [pantomimes playing swingball, slurring speech] "I'm terrible at this, and this at only quarter to three!"
Episode 9 (Compilation episode)
- Rob Brydon's claim is that he used to pretend to be his own agent on the phone by using a different voice. Eventually it leads to everyone acting as if the agent was a real person, much to Rob's frustration.Kevin Bridges: Did you have anybody else on your books?
[Rob looks bewildered]
David Mitchell: What's the sort of work, that, er...
Rob: Hosting things. This was back in about the late Eighties, when I was a local radio disc jockey.
Keeley Hawes: Did the agent take a cut?
[Rob looks even more bewildered]
Kevin: Did the agent phone you to let you know they'd got the job?
Rob: No, I was the agent!
Lee Mack: Did you ever fall out with your agent?
Rob: No, it was me!!
Stephen Mangan: When you decided that this charade had to finish, did you take yourself out to dinner and tell yourself you were letting yourself go?
[Rob tears up the card]
Kevin: Did you sign a contract?
David: Are you still in touch?
Rob: Right - it's time to guess. First of all, [points] Lee and those bastards, what are you gonna go for?
Kevin: I would say "true".
Lee: Er, you think it's true?
Brian Cox: Yep.
Rob: You're saying it's true?
Lee: Yes, in the words of Rob Brydon, [BAD fake Welsh accent] I think that's truuue!
Rob: You're saying it's true. David and these arses, what do you- what do you say?
Stephen/Keeley/David: That is so true/I think it's true/Yeah, I think it's true.
Rob: Very well. Let me buck the trend by telling you... it's true.
- Lee's fact that every year he pours a shot of brandy into the pond to commemorate the death of his goldfish. This starts a ten minutes argument over where the fish lived ("No, it was a tree goldfish, David."), why pouring brandy in the pond ("If the goldfish lived in a bowl, why do you commemorate its death pouring brandy into another goldfish habitat?!"), the possible dangers of such gesture ("If you do that the other fishes are going to die as well." "At no point the original fish died due to brandy being poured into the pond!"), the subtle line that divides alcohol from just another kind of water ("Diluted brandy is no longer brandy!" "So you say, when you put soda in brandy-" "SODA AND BRANDY?") and, finally, who cared most for the goldfish ("It doesn't matter the death of the fish-" "Oh, it doesn't matter to you, you bitch!").David Mitchell: So she [Lee's wife] said 'do me a favour, my beloved husband, show your respect for this fish I so loved by annually pouring a shot of Brandy into the pond with these other fishes I secretly hate and wish to destroy'.
- Lee manages to make quite the sleuth:David: Well, a friend of mine...
- The cuddle jumper: an enormous sweatshirt in a garish shade of orange, with two neckholes, which Rob claims he and his wife wear sometimes when they're watching television. David is reduced to helpless laughter during the bit. Yes. David.
- Lee and Miranda make their own cuddle jumper. And then they have to talk to the other team mate- who's sitting on Rob's knees, in the original cuddle jumper with him. Did we mention that the other team mate is Alan Sugar's aide Nick Hewer? And then they have to get out of the jumper - and Rob falls down the stairs.Jack Whitehall: "Does the design lend itself to intimacy?"Rob Brydon: "Yes!"Nick Hewer: "Not tonight it doesn't."
- David killed a rat with his BAFTA. Nick Hewer's reaction: "He has a BAFTA?"Rob [sounding a little down]: Was this the BAFTA you won when I was one of the other nominees?
David: I don't wanna make you feel small, Rob, but... it was the other one.
- This gem:[David is claiming that aged 12, he saved up all his money to buy a rowing boat and then never used it]
David: I planned to sort of row around in it when on holiday.
Lee: And how did you propose to get around on holiday? You had your eye on a nice Ford Fiesta with a towbar...
David: At that age, I would often holiday with my parents.
Robert Webb: "Who shall I holiday with this year? Parents! Come here!"
David: Yes, that seemed to go terribly well before.
Robert: "Parents, come here, I've got a proposal for you!"
Lee: And what stopped the plan?
David: The, um... basically, the boat was a bit too big.
Lee: A bit too big for what, the sea? Every time you pushed it into the water, it kept hitting France!
- Robert Webb's statement of having a large gang on imaginary friends when he was a kid:Katy Wix: And how many were in the gang?
Robert: There were quite a lot... There were twelve.
David Mitchell: (laughs) Same number as apostles!
Robert: Yeah... It did occur to me that this was a harmless little messiah complex.
- This episode offers us David accusing Lee of being an intellectual snob, the panellists theorising what would happen if The Wombles came across a dead body, David O'Doherty's Epic Fail at convincing Lee's team he was seeing a hypnotist to cure an addiction of hypnotists, Lee saying he can tell the circumference of somebody's head on sight...
- Gregg Wallace's claim that he makes toast by ironing bread leads to some incredible conversations.
- Lee's pronunciation of "Topiary", which Rob makes fun of for sounding like "Potpourri". Lee notes how weird it is that Rob is picking up on something so trivial. At this point, David has dropped a water bottle below the desk and kneels down to pick it up. Lee jokes that his mispronunciation was so emulative of the middle class that it caused him to faint.Nigel Havers: And, also, he was a little bored.
David: Oh, yeah. I mean, all you- this trying to teach Lee how to speak. I mean, we could be here all night.
- Continuing on with the working class angle, Lee makes a note how the toast could end up like a pop tart, then tries to explain what a pop tart is to David, who Lee assumes would be too posh to get the reference.Gregg: I'm about as working class as it gets, and I don't know what a Pop Tart is.
Charlie Brooker: You iron bread!
- Lee's pronunciation of "Topiary", which Rob makes fun of for sounding like "Potpourri". Lee notes how weird it is that Rob is picking up on something so trivial. At this point, David has dropped a water bottle below the desk and kneels down to pick it up. Lee jokes that his mispronunciation was so emulative of the middle class that it caused him to faint.
- Just about everything Greg Davies did in his guest appearance, with special mention to the "Hoot Owl of Death". The ridiculous face is what truly makes the bit. That and the fact that it ends up being true.Greg: I used to try and scare school friends, by planting a particular drawing in their pockets, signifying death.
Rob: Lee, what do you think?
Lee: What was the drawing?
Greg: It was an owl...
David: Ahh, the Owl of Death.
Greg: Its full title was actually the Hoot Owl Death Sign.
Lee: What do you mean, "The Owl of Death?" What was it doing in this drawing?
David: The Hoot Owl Death Sign?
Konnie Huq: That old chestnut...
Greg: I could draw it for you, if you like.
Rob: Greg, I've got a pen, I've got some paper...
Greg: I'll come over there?
Rob: [clearly a head shorter] No, I'll come to you. Don't stand up next to me, it just highlights it. So please, draw the owl of death.
Lee: Don't look at it David! You'll die!
[Greg, with an owl-like expression on his face, holds up a crude drawing of a screeching owl]
Rob: Oh My God! Please put it away!
- Jon Richardson saying 'LOL'. "Did people say LOL eleven years ago?"
- The peacock. Everything from David repeating the word 'waft' to Lee noting that people do farm peacocks and David's rant about it.Jon: It was a takeover from the peacocks. When she got back to reception, fifty peacocks there... "this is our hotel now". (mimes peacock opening its tail)
- Lee says that he shaves half his face and then amuses himself by acting for two. Him reenacting the scene? Hilarious, particularly the revelation that he doesn't act out a conversation between a bearded man and a clean-shaven man - he acts out a conversation between two men who have each shaved half their face for some inexplicable reason. David reenacting the scene while arguing about the logic of it? Priceless.Lee: I didn't say it like a rent boy!
- David's performance devolves into madness as he and Lee start shouting over each other, before David punctuates it by yelling, "What a coincidence! Because I, too, am a COCK!" It causes Lee to sit back in mild surprise as the audience starts applauding.
- And after the entirety of the segment sets this up as another one of Lee's ludicrous lies, it turns out that Lee was telling the truth.
- Sarah Millican's true claim was about wetting the car and then blaming the dog. It turns out that apparently everyone has a similar story to tell.David: Basically, lavatories are just for me.
Lee: What a great name for your autobiography!
- Bill Oddie's true claim that he was saved from drowning by a character from the children's show Rainbow (namely, Freddy Marks of Rod, Jane, and Freddy) provided a number of brilliant moments.
- The panelists end up in a bit of a tangent about the cast of Rainbow, which brings us to this gem. It's David's outrage that sells it.David: Only one arm, though. George and Zippy had one arm each.
Lee: Oh yeah they did, the other arm was in their mouth, wasn't it...
David: [appalled] WHAT ARE YOU SAYING?!
- In response to Rob's suggestion that Freddy may have thought Bill was doing the "Funky Gibbon", Bill remarks that the incident may have happened before "The Funky Gibbon". Frank Skinner suggests that surely people still lived in the sea back then.
- Bill (and the other panelists) misunderstand Rob's question of whether or not Freddy "cupped" Bill to drag him to shore.Rob: Well, I'm not suggesting he arrived- "Before I save you..." (mimes cupping someone's groin)
- Rob and Sarah Millican's exchange when Rob asks if Freddy dragged Bill back to shore.Sarah: Well, it's obviously gonna be back to shore, he's not gonna take him further out to sea!
Rob: [surprisingly impatiently] He might have been intercepted by a lifeboat!
Lee: [laughs and strikes the desk] That is the angriest he has been in three series!
Sarah: Yes! [pumps fist triumphantly]
Rob: Don't come on here and soil the seats!
Sarah: [smirks] Too late!
- The panelists end up in a bit of a tangent about the cast of Rainbow, which brings us to this gem. It's David's outrage that sells it.
- During Jon Richardson's "Possession" turn:Jon: This is the emergency kit that I keep in my car at all times.
David: Well, not at all times, obviously, it's here. Lie! Next!
Rob: Jon, if you could take it out of the box and put it on the desk, there...
Frank Skinner: What would've been brilliant then: if he'd have took his car out of there...
- The orchidometer:[Lee's team are debating whether or not Mackenzie Crook owns an orchidometer]
Lee: This can't be real! This can't be real!
Victoria Coren: Take those. [gives her glasses to Rhod Gilbert] Have a look at him. Through those. [to Mackenzie] Tell him your sister gave you that as a present.
David: Have you got truth glasses?! THEY'RE NOT ALLOWED ON THIS SHOW!
- Barry Cryer's claim that he wrote a trilogy of romantic novels using a female pen-name.
- Sue Perkins on Lorraine Kelly's true claim she once presented an episode of TV AM while drunk: "I don't think we need to discuss this any further."Sue Perkins: What would be different about you on that day?
Lorraine: Nothing. You know, you reach that point where you can drink yourself sober.
Lee: I don't think you can. (Aside Glance) I don't think you can, kids. (wink) One of these days—"mummy, you know what Lorraine Kelly's just said on the television?" You can't drink yourself sober.
Barry: Yes, you can! You're right, Lorraine—(wobbles)
- Later, during "This Is My", Lee has claimed that he had accidentally taken the guest's luggage while at the airport and had to then wear his clothes on holiday. About thirty seconds into questioning, Lorraine has suggested that it was remiss of Lee not to label his luggage. Lee immediately suggests that he could be lying, prompting this response from David:David: Just to clarify Lee, are you still saying this is true? Or, has the very suggestion that you might be remiss made you abandon any attempt at playing this game? "I'm not going to be called remiss! Okay, it's nonsense! It's nonsense! I'm not a fool, I actually label my luggage very carefully and I think that's very important, and I'm not for a moment going to pretend otherwise!"
Episode 9 (Compilation episode)
- How to liven up a conversation with the clergy:[Bill Turnbull's claim is a "conversation book" with topics of discussion to use written in it]
David O'Doherty: I'm gonna write some unexpected ones in it! [writing] "Boobs!"
David Mitchell: "So, Archbishop, what do you think about boobs — oh my God!"
- David has to claim that the "This Is My" guest rescued him when he was on a donkey ride that went mad. Having to describe a donkey ride, at one point he refers to "the piece of string attached to the donkey's face..."
Lee: Alex [Jones] thinks it's Chris, [Alexander Armstrong] thinks it's Mel...
- Later, after dented his credibility somewhat with the above, Lee's team confer over who they think the correct story belongs to:
David: [Hopefully] And presumably, Lee, you think... me...?
Lee: ... Despite my real gut reaction that it's David — [Gives an incredulous Aside Glance to the audience] I will say that of the two, we will go with... Mel. Or — will we go with Chris?!
David: Split the difference — me!
- Rhod Gilbert introducing the "This Is My" guest - a man in his seventies who had to be given a chair rather than standing - as his badminton doubles partner. And it turning out to be true.
- Dr Christian Jessen is claiming the This Is My guest was the surgeon who removed the piece of the Operation board game that he swallowed. When he starts describing the surgery, Andy Hamilton begins looking slightly uncomfortable; Rob proceeds to play this up by doing an exaggerated description of an operation complete with gestures that culminates in a re-enactment of the infamous scene in Alien.
- Andy Hamilton's true story about "Fisher"note , the fictional schoolboy that he and his classmates invented to confuse a bad French teacher, to the point of doing 'his' homework and handing it in; Lee turns him into a Running Gag, bringing him up in later rounds in that episode.
- Lee proclaiming that he shaved off his beard out of respect for David.David: What was it that alerted you to the fact that I had grown a beard?Lee: Well I looked at you and you had a beard! Are you alright, are you having a breakdown?
- Lee and David "yawning" (read: making strange faces and screaming).
- Gabby Logan shouting "monkey" when stroking Jessen's stuffed monkey.
- Rob Brydon's introductory crack about Greg Davies: "If Goliath ate Rik Mayall."
- Greg Davies roping David and his teammate Richard Osman into a re-enactment of the game he invented called "Snorkel Parka Music Practice Room". Especially since both Davies and Osman are giants and, even when they're sitting down, David looks tiny between them.
- Richard Osman's claim that he and the Banker had once run over a badger and then buried it was derailed by the opposing team being more interested in trying to get to divulge the identity of the Banker.
- The "This Is My..." guest, Pauline, turns out to be Greg's mother, who had cheered him on when he engaged in his first ever fight as a kid, to the amused shock of Lee's team.Rob: (to Pauline) It must have been awful to see [Greg] fighting.Pauline: (in a soft-spoken voice) Wonderful.Rob: (shocked) Wonderful?!
- When Huw Edwards was asked to demonstrate his claim that he uses an 'evil eye' look to force long rambling news correspondents to get on with it, Rob Brydon pretends to be Robert Peston to give him a target, and comes up with a scarily plausible-sounding ramble about the eurozone crisis.
- Lee's bafflement that when he claimed the "This Is My" guest is a milkman who mistakenly delivered 88 bottles of milk rather than 8, the part that David and Sarah Millican found most implausible was that he drinks full fat milk.
- Armando Iannucci's story about a baboon climbing into his car in a safari park getting comprehensively derailed when Rob took exception with David asking where he was.David: So where in the safari park is the car?
Rob: [sarcastically] In the lion enclosure.
David: Wh-Wh-Where in the safari park is the car?
Armando: It's... [distracted, he laughs]
Rob: Where do you think it is? In the baboon area!
David: Are you answering for that team?
Rob [over a general air of confusion and laughter]: Well, it's such a stupid question!
David: It could have been in the car park, it could have been in the—
Lee [overlapping]: In the car park? It wouldn't be in the car park, would it!?
Rob [overlapping]: What would the baboon be doing in the car park?!
David: The baboon — may have escaped!
Lee: But you can assume it wasn't in the car park!
David: I'm not saying the answer "in the baboon enclosure" would have amazed me, but—
Rob: Do you want to perhaps—
David: I didn't expect to have to defend myself to this extent with that opening question!
Rob: It was a stupid question! Where do you think it was? The gift shop?!
David: If it's a stupid question — [he has to pause as the audience are laughing so hard] cut it out in the edit!
Rob: No! It'll be left in to show you what a charlatan you are!
David: [shouting over Rob] WHERE. IN THE SAFARI PARK. WAS. YOUR. CAR?!
Armando: THE BABOON AREA!
David: THANK YOU! AS I SUSPECTED!!
- The attempts to get things back on track are immediately derailed when David, in his next question, asks why the sunroof was open while miming a "rolling down the window" motion above his head. The others quickly take him to task for this, noting that most modern sunroofs/windows are opened via a button, rather than manually. They mockingly imitate David's motions before getting nearly the entire audience to join in.
- And, when Rob demonstrates the motion of pushing a button to push down the window, Lee makes fun of Rob by noting that it looks like he's an aristocrat signaling his driver to open the sunroof for him.
- Rob's closing line after Armando reveals it's a lie: "Putting a baboon through a sunroof? ...is the brand new game show next on ITV 2!"
- A brilliant claim by David about trying to look unnoteworthy (but not so unnoteworthy that he then becomes noteworthy). The whole thing was very funny but when questioned about what would constitute "so unnoteworthy it becomes noteworthy", we got this exchange:David: [A grey tie] would be so colourless, so not wanting to draw the eye, it would draw the eye. It's how you spot spies, isn't it? Trying to blend in so much that they've blended in so much that they're noticeable. Like a chameleon. If there was a chameleon in here right now, it would stand out.
Lee: Tell you what, if a comedian was in here right now, it'd stand out.
[The audience laughs and applauds]
David: Rather worrying round of applause on the subject of our purpose...
- Rhod Gilbert's claim that he once dug up his dead hamster and gave it a wash. Much in the vein of Kevin Bridges' horse, the story gets progressively sillier and more unbelievable as it goes on, and also turns out to be true.
- Whilst being questioned on his claim to have been a bridesmaid at his aunt's wedding as one of the girls who was meant to do it was ill, Lee is asked by Isy Suttie "How much notice did you get?" and misinterprets it, thinking she's asking him how much attention he received. His reaction as he gradually realises everybody except him knew she meant how far in advance he was asked to do it is priceless. This is especially funny because one of Lee's stock gags is deliberately misconstruing the meaning of questions like that, so it took a while for the others to realise he genuinely got it wrong this time.
- Lee's claim that he can smell if there is a dead fly in the room. He managed to send the entire panel and audience into hysterics for a good thirty seconds (and David into a raucously Evil Laugh) just by reading it out.Lee: Can I just say, I know this sounds ridiculous [glares daggers at the camera and, presumably, the producers behind the card]
- Everything in this episode, but especially David's claim that the "This Is My..." guest was a lifeguard who talked him down from a diving board he was clinging on to.
- Lee's true claim that the guest had borne witness to his vicious attack on a toy womble when they went camping as teenagers.
- Richard Osman claims to part-own a racing pigeon. Rob implies Lee should have in-depth knowledge of the subject, only for Lee to sarcastically reply "You seem to have mistaken me for a character from a Hovis advert".
- David O'Doherty's possession claim about a pair of leg warmers that he made for a swan. All of it, but especially this moment:Rob: When you said swan, did you mean sparrow?
- All of Bob Mortimer's outlandish claims, from burning his house down with fireworks aged seven to tricking a sixth form teacher with a dictaphone while the teacher owned a remote-controlled 'hand lion'. And EVERY ONE OF THEM IS TRUE. Small wonder he got the Individual Liar of the Week award.
- Similar to the series 4 example above ("wurr?"), Lee's accent comes into play when he claims the "This Is My" guest owned a hawk who swooped down on the mayor of a village next to Lee at the fete, grabbed his wig and then flew off into a tree. Lee says it stole the wig of the 'murr'. Jon Richardson asks, "At that point, did you- did you cry, 'Oh no, the murr's hurr is over thurr'?"Lee: There's a person missing from this story, and it's the murr, right, the local murr. I can't say it in, I always struggle- the meahh! The meahh!
David: So you're standing next to a horse.note
- Jon Richardson (a Lancaster native) had another swipe at Lee's accent during his true claim that, when stressed, he sometimes takes a bath without undressing or putting water in the bathtub, in the following exchange:Lee: You're from the North, you've probably got an imaginary flannel.
Jon: Like you're not from the North?
Lee: I've- I've completely converted now.
Jon: Have you told your accent?
- Henning Wehn's bizarre (and true) story of being listed as a missing person by INTERPOL for three weeks has so many seemingly contradictory details that it almost rises to Kevin Bridges' accidental horse purchase levels of absurdity, and sparks a revival of the gag in which Lee Mack pretends to be his teammate's solicitor.Kirsty Young: When did this happen?
Henning: (very long pause, audience laughter) In the mid-90s...
Greg Rutherford: Where were you, had you- had you actually disappeared?
Henning: I was in Morocco.
Kirsty: What were you doing there?
Henning: I... was on a bike ride in Spain... (Lee looks bewildered)
David Mitchell: You were on a bike ride in Spain in Morocco??
Lee: Can I have a moment to chat with my client? (panelists and audience laugh)
Henning: What happened was, I met someone in Spain on the train - a Moroccan man...
David: So hang on, listen, was- was this bike ride in Spain happening on the train? 'Cause it- it was- 'cause I know you get those Spanish... Spanish bike rides on trains in Morocco. So it's probably one of those.
Henning: What it was, was there was bad weather, and that's why I took the train from the north of Spain to the south of Spain, because apparently, according to the local newspaper, there was better, more agreeable bicycling weather.
Greg: How did you then- how did you then get to Morocco, though?
Henning: That is because I met that Moroccan bloke on the train, and... and...
David: Which Moroccan bloke?
Greg: Yeah, does he have a name?
Henning: Er... I'm... I can't quite remember, but it was Mohammed, or something. (panellists and audience laugh again)
David: Mohammed the Moroccan, you met on the train in Spain.
Henning: He asked me, if I wanted to join him to go to Morocco, and then I thought, "Well, I've never been outside Europe, in for a penny, in for a pound." So, er... so-
David: So you were picked up by a strange Moroccan on a- on a train and agreed to go back to Morocco with him!?
Henning: What's the worst that could happen? (more audience laughter)
Kirsty: How did you find out that you were on the INTERPOL list?
Henning: I realised only once I rang my parents, once I was back in Spain, and I rang my parents, and - for them, it was like someone phoned them from beyond the grave.
David: So- so why didn't you ring your parents from Morocco?
Henning: Because that... man, that Mohammed-
Lee: You remem- you remember Mohammed, don't you?
David: Yeah, yeah!
Lee: He was the man on the train!
David: The Moroccan on the train!
Lee: The Moroccan on the train who invited him back to his house!
Henning: So then, when I was staying with Mustapha and his family...
(later, after it is established that Henning was put on the INTERPOL missing persons list after a friend back in Germany showed his parents a postcard in which he joked that he was joining the French Foreign Legion)
Rob Brydon: And what happens then, with the list, do you just- they have to tell INTERPOL, "Stop looking for Henning, we found him."
Henning: Yeah. I suppose so, yeah.
Rob: Well, did they? For all we know, they're still looking for you now!
Henning: (smiles and waves at the camera) I'm safe!
- In the middle of this, Henning reveals that his friend Mark had convinced his parents that he'd gone missing by use of a joking postcard he'd sent.
- Dave Myers (of the Hairy Bikers) having the statements that he was once locked inside a merchant bank over Christmas and that the This Is My guest once helped him build a zeppelin when he was 16. Both are true. After he mentions that the bank incident happened just after John Lennon's assassination, Lee attempts to establish a link between the two by suggesting Dave killed Lennon or was secretly going out with Yoko Ono.
- Jimmy Carr claims to have been given coffee in his bottle as a baby. The others speculate on if something similar had happened to David Mitchell, suggesting various outlandishly posh possibilities before David states it was just 'pheasant blood'. Lee then asks if he said 'pheasant' or 'peasant'.
- Lee's story about hiding in a cupboard from Anthea Turner starts with a hilariously unsubtle bit of stalling even though it's true.David: Where were you when this happened?Lee/Jimmy: In the cupboard.David: Where was the cupboard?Lee: In the room I was hiding from Anthea Turner.David: Where was the room?Lee: Just away from Anthea Turner.David: What was the occasion? And do not define the occasion, or the geographical space in relation to Anthea Turner!
- David's response to Lee's comment that everyone has vomited, including the Queen: "That is treason!" He proceeds to describe the sort of image that Lee's words have conjured, just to prove how treasonous it is.
- Kind of a meta-example, but the story that sparked this - David claiming that the "This Is My" guest is the first woman he ever bought flowers for, to apologise for being sick on her carpet - is especially funny if you know that David has previously told this story on his Soapbox, which Lee's team clearly haven't been watching.
- Lee being given the episode's prop: an enormous ring filled with keys. The fact: He knows what all but one of the keys does. It's obvious from the start that Lee is lying, but he goes through what almost every key does, anyway, sending everyone into hysterics.
David: Backwards in time?!
- Lee is asked what a key labelled 'PBU' is for and he claims it stands for 'Place for Bins, You!' because his wife allegedly shouts at him to remind him to unlock the side passage leading to the bins.
- Lee claims the aforementioned mysterious key was owned by his grandfather in the First World War, 'and he passed it down to his father, who passed it down to his father...'
Lee: Just in summary. I'm not pitching it to you, because it is true. But if you don't believe it, quite simply the story is simple. What is there not to believe? I come home. I make sure the side-gated community to the bins is unlocked so I can take the bins out, leave them on a Tuesday, then open the side-passage, get in, lock the side-passage, go through to the house, unlock the safe by moving the picture, I can't open the safe, I always forget, close the safe, get the tin, open it up, move the eyeballs, get the money out, close the tin, back inside, straight to the front door which is blue, go out, feed Howard Jones's cat next door who I accidentally said was Shakin' Stevens. What part of that are you tellin' me isn't true?!
- All of which leads to this epic summing up:
- Kirsty Wark's story about drinking from Jeremy Paxman's Snoopy mug without asking, which goes hilariously off the rails when Lee tries to roleplay the confrontation with Kirsty without actually getting any of the details. It results in both of them playing Kirsty for some time before Rob interrupts and points out that one of them is supposed to be Paxman. After the roleplay, Kirsty blows it by forgetting a detail from the card (that Paxman didn't talk to her for a week), and Lee outright states that he believed her until then.
- Bob Mortimer's completely bonkers story about being asked by the police in the Dumfries and Galloway town of Castle Douglas to leave town because he was scaring the locals. Every detail makes the story more absurd: that he went there as a teenager with two friends named Harry Harriman and Steve Bytheway because of their fascination with the Gulf Stream, that they wore latex masks (the supposed cause of alarm for the locals) and "jobble tops" (bobble hats that folded down into jumpers) to keep warm while driving through the night, and that they were interrogated by "a sergeant, by the way" (Lee: Sergeant Bytheway?) and a plainclothes detective before being escorted out of town. And it was all true. Mortimer deservedly won his second Liar of the Week award for this episode.
- Lee Mack's claim that he has a system for remembering the colours of the Teletubbies. As he explains, Po is red like a postbox, Laa-Laa sounds like "yellow" (except it doesn't, but it sounds more like "yellow" than the other names), Tinky Winky's name makes him think of an Unusual Euphemism for the male organ, and Dipsy sounds like "deep sea", which is green (except it isn't, but it's more green than it is red, purple, or yellow). David seems annoyed by the fact that, whether the story is true or not, he will now remember the colours of the Teletubbies because of this "system". And once again, it's all true. David's laughter after Lee presses his button is the icing on the cake, because with that question, his team lost every single point. Lee's team ended up victorious with a score of 5-0.
- Lee's claim that, every time he has a cup of tea, he likes throwing teabags at cups from a distance as target practice and acting as if he were in the World Darts Championship. He then proceeds to demonstrate it, and, in a similar vein to the previous week's story, David notes that whether the story is true or not, he just knows that Lee will be doing this from now on, "as will I". And for the record, it's true.
- Miles Jupp's false story about how he once had to tell his neighbours about their cat's death (it was ran over by a lorry) while wearing cat make-up (for his daughter's school fete). Everyone treats it like he killed the cat and then made up the lorry story. At one point, when Miles starts talking about his wife, Lee describes her as the best female lorry-driver in the world.
- David dismisses Kelly Hoppen's story in 'This is My' about feng shui because, according to him, feng shui was about putting the sofa diagonally because "that's a bit more Chinese and cool", while Kelly's story involved crystals, which David thinks are used in a different form of "charlatanism, uh, I mean, eastern science."
- Kelly's earlier claim to wash with an orange in lieu of a flannel or a sponge sent Carol Vorderman into hysterical laughter.David: Instinctively, I think Carol doesn't believe you.
Carol: Either that or she's completely [makes cuckoo hand gesture while desperately trying to contain herself]
- Despite Lee's absence, the whole thing is priceless, starting with the "Singing Baa Baa Black sheep as if you were very frightened" story: Greg Davies demands another emotion. Gareth Malone says "sexual joy." Greg turns to Richard Osman.Richard: Can I do the frightened one?
Greg: I don't get to look someone in the eye very often.
- When answering Phill Jupitus's shopping trolleys story, Gareth and Richard both think it's true. Greg overrules them entirely, saying it's false. Everyone (including himself) acts like he's gone Mad With Power. It turns out to be true.Rob: Not as easy as it looks, this captaincy, is it?
- During the "This is My" round, Greg is claiming the guest is a rickshaw driver he had drive him home, who by the end of the journey was so exhausted he had to sleep on Greg's couch. While recounting events, Greg claims he invited the man in for "a bit." Cue the titters (and at least one wolf-whistle) of the audience. "We're better than that, guys!"
- David's team are very conflicted about whether the "This is My" answer is Greg or Richard, changing their minds a few times, and Phill tries to hide behind the desk while waiting for the answer to be read out. Turns out it's Gareth.
- Amanda's story about stepping on her pet rabbit (after years of fearfully avoiding stepping on her imaginary pet rabbit). Greg asks: "Did stuff come out of its mouth?"Rob: [looking appalled] Lee would never have asked that. I never thought I'd say this David, but I miss him.
- The image of Richard using Gareth as a door (as part of a story about Richard squawking to remind himself he's locked his front door) is hilarious, both because of the implications of Richard inserting his key into Gareth's mouth (David: "Are you going to penetrate Gareth with that?"), and because Richard towers over Gareth by at least a foot.
- Greg's whole story about Cushin, the secret language he had with his sister as a child, which is basically just English but with "shk" sounds inserted where possible, and yelling "CUSHON!" in the middle and at the end of sentences. It turns out to be true. "And that is the greatest CUSHON of them all!"
- Jo Brand's story about hitchhiking from London to Hastings on Christmas Day as a 17-year-old after having missed the last train the previous day. In order, she secured lifts from a gay man in his 70s who tried to invite her home for Christmas dinner, a lesbian who tried to kiss her, a deaf man, and a farmer who was fed up with his family and had told them he was just going out for a paper and ended up driving her all the way to Hastings. Ray Mears believes it's too bizarre to be a lie, Roisin Conaty believes it's too bizarre to be true, Lee sides with Ray and guesses that it's true. Lee and Ray are right.
- Also, Lee was in the middle of telling a story about how he'd been told by a man from Brazil how to stop a fox in its tracks and Rob began doing an impression of Basil Brush. Lee then make a joke about Rob in the producers' room having asked them to change "bear" to "fox" so he could do the impression. David, quick as a flash, pointed out that if this were true then the producers couldn't change what a man from Brazil had told him.
- David's teammates are Ray Winstone and Josh Widdicombe. Rob says their desks looks as though Ray is the defendant in a trial and David is his slightly flustered barrister. Lee adds that Josh is the child whose custody is at stake.
- In "This is My", Lee claims that John, the mystery guest, was a hospital patient whom he had mistaken for his next door neighbour John, who had been injured in a sledging accident, and that due to a miscommunication with a non-native English-speaking nurse, he was directed to the other John's room as his name is John Ledging. As Lee has claimed that "John Ledging" mimed that he had been injured falling off a ladder, David asks if Lee's neighbour's name is "Ladder". Lee tells David not to be so silly: "Ladder" is his stepson's name.
- In "Quickfire Lies", Lee claims that he can write so well with his right foot that he writes Christmas cards simultaneously with his hand and foot to save time. He is inevitably asked to demonstrate, and after he puts a pen between his toes, he tries to get out of having to complete the demonstration by telling Rob they've run out of time.Lee: (makes buzzing noise; in bad impression of Rob) That's the buzzer, it's the end of the game...
Rob: ... have I moved to Scotland!?
- Lee is claiming that the "This Is My" guest is a French nanny who asked him to deal with a spider, in a story that quickly degenerates into implausibility, and with June Brown's story sounding similarly unlikely, David's team goes with Aisling Bea, who's clearly told the sanest story.note The guest responds in French before admitting that she is Aisling's friend (as she really wanted Lee's story to be true), after which Lee admits that he briefly thought it was actually him when he heard the guest start in French.
Episode 10 (Compilation episode)
- Miles Jupp, defending the claim that whenever he doesn't know what to do he asks himself "what would Cliff Richard do?":Miles: I just think because he's someone who lives his life in a way I believe we should all aspire to.
- Lee claims that the female 'This is My' guest is his judo instructor, but during the story, he says "he" instead of "she". Then he tries to fix his mistake:Lee: I said "I'll do a tournament when you have a sex-change, mate."
- This episode saw yet another bizarre story from Bob Mortimer about a game he and his friends played as children in Middlesbrough called "Theft and Shrubbery". His "gangmates" had such unlikely names as Staver, Bagger (I didn't realise you knew hobbits!, says David), Neil Overall (son of Jerry Dungaree), and Gary "Cheesy" Cheeseman (so named because his mother thought pressing a processed cheese slice against his face would cure his acne), who, due to his large head, was called "Sniper's Dream", and they would find a family watching television of an evening with the curtains open, sneak into their garden, and walk toward their house while chanting, at ever increasing volumes, "We do beg your pardon, but we are in your garden," until caught - at which point they would have to escape by vaulting over the fences of neighbouring gardens. Other games he and his mates played as children supposedly included taking fruit from a fruit vendor's wagon, throwing it in the air, and letting it land on their heads. And once again, every word is true.David: I love these points in the show when we say, "Bob, let- let's all gather 'round the fireside, and you can tell us... tales of your youth!"
- Greg Davies' claim to have buttered his legs to squeeze into leather trousers produced a number of gems, like John Cooper Clarke's take on it all:John: It's not playing out very well in the playground of my imagination. [laughter]
Lee: I think that's the most wonderful way anyone has said "lie" on this show.
- Alex Jones, on the other hand, believes the story is true: "People do alternative things with groceries at that age." Lee immediately gives an Aside Glance to the camera as the audience hoots in laughter. Alex, in genuine surprise, realizes her slip of the tongue a second too late.
- Lee's attempt at devising his own personal phonetic alphabet, based on things he can see outside the window of his bedroom. Throughout the discussion, he repeatedly claims that he uses 'hospital' to represent 'H', to the point where there's an argument over the fact that he doesn't know the name of the hospital in question that's supposedly near his house. Finally, he is challenged to spell 'hospital' using his phonetic alphabet... and begins by using a different word for 'H'.Lee: H for Harry...
David: No! No! For hospital! You said it's for hospital!
Lee: [Face Palm] Oh yeah... Oh yes. That-that was... even though I say so myself, that was a bad mistake.
- Ed Balls' story about having to negotiate the Home Office budget on the phone while rescuing his child from a ballpit. In particular, two moments where David's team tries to ask about the crisis in the ballpit, only for Ed to give an answer about the budget crisis. It's this detail that convinces Kimberly Wyatt it was true, since it shows Ed as someone for whom the job comes first, and she's right.
- On "This Is My", James Acaster declaring that a preteen boy named Mick is his worst enemy due to a series of pranks involving cabbages. When interrogated, James gradually gets more and more wound up in his rant, all the while the kid is grinning and trying not to laugh. As with so many of James's ludicrous stories, it is completely true, and the whole saga is recounted on Josh Widdicombe's radio show in a series of "Classic Scrapes" segments.David: So he initially put cabbage leaves in the bed you were sleeping in when you were staying at his father's.James: TRUE!David: And then subsequently, he has followed you and put cabbage leaves in other places you've been sleeping.James: No.David: Okay, what then?James: [with a dirty look at Mick] He sent me a cabbage in the post.
- Bob Mortimer reads out that he's been doing his own dental work for the past 15 years and goes into detail about how he procures his own dental cement and uses his kitchen island, his son's gaming chair, a mirror, a curved Indian flute, and a leather maker's drill. The story's so ridiculous, Lee, Bob's team captain, can't hide his incredulity and joins in the interrogation. David, meanwhile, is reminded of all the other stories Bob's told on the show.Lee: Do you remember Bob being on this show before?
David: Yes! And it's always true! It was true about the masks in Castle Douglas, it was true about him being able to tear an apple apart with his bare hands, it was true about the game in the garden!
- Bob Mortimer telling an insane story about cracking an egg in his bath following on advice of Chris Rea. Despite the utter ludicrousness of the story, David Mitchell thinks it's true since Bob's insane stories usually turn out to be true, but for once it's a lie.David: Of course! Of course it's a lie! He said...he said Chris Rea put an egg in his bath! Of course it's a lie! It's obviously a lie! Who could possibly believe that!? It'd be more likely that someone was stuck in a car wash for three hours!
David: I think it's fair to say that if anyone else had made this allegation about Chris Rea and an egg in their bath, we wouldn't be giving it a moment's consideration. Somehow, coming from Bob, it might be true.Dion: I think...I think it's true because he's been about a bit, Bob.David: Oh, no...Lucy: I think the white would poach.David: Yeah, the chemical analysis of the behavior of the albumin.Bob: David, honestly. One thing, please don't base it on the albumin whitening. I can't have a bath at 80 plus degrees.David: Is that the temperature at which an egg white would turn...?Bob: It'll start at about 80, yeah. Honestly, please don't base it on that.David: (in a weak, desperate voice) What should I base it on, Bob?
- The general degradation of David's sense of reality due to Bob's past stories is evident here as David speculates on whether the egg would poach in a bath.
- With David Mitchell and his wife Victoria Coren Mitchell on the same team, a hilarious yet heartwarming look at their married life is inevitable, especially in the final round, when David's claim is "Victoria doesn't know this, but on those very rare occasions that she does something I find irritating, I get my own back by sneaking upstairs and moving her bookmarks."
- Lee is interested by his use of the plural, resulting in a Call-Back to an earlier round when David said the "This is My" guest had left him in temporary charge as a lollipop man for "between nine and eleven minutes" when Lee said most people would say "about ten minutes":Lee: How many books are you reading at the same time?
Victoria: Mmm... I mean, seven or eight.
Lee: David, how many books does Victoria read at the same time?
David: Ooh, I'd put it, er, between six and nine.
Clare Balding: And do they tend to be... fiction, non-fiction...
David: Yes, those are the main two categories.
- Rob, meanwhile, wonders what things Victoria does that irritate David, and Victoria suggests that David is just as pedantic in their married life as he is on Would I Lie to You?:David: Just, just the simplest things to do with things she's said or done, that's all there is...
Victoria: [shrugs] Maybe when I ask you what the weather's gonna be like, and I go, "What do you think the weather's gonna be?", and you go "I don't think anything, I've looked at the weather forecast, and what it says is this." [audience laughter and applause]
David: Little things like... yeah, essentially she holds me responsible for the weather forecast, as if I've made it.
Rob: No she doesn't! She says "What d'you think the weather's gonna do?" Perfectly reasonable!
David: It's not perfectly reasonable... y'know, she's got access to the weather forecast on her own phone, it's just these are meteorologists, sometimes they get it right, sometimes they get it wrong, I'm just reading it out. [folds his arms defiantly]
Lee: They are physically sitting further apart, have you noticed?
Clare: Is there anything, Victoria, that you might do to David if he'd annoyed you, what would your retaliation be? If, indeed, he is moving...
Victoria: [smirking] Well, he might find out.
David: Incidentally, I've been feeling weaker and weaker over the last few... [audience laughter]
- So what do Lee's team think? Clare Balding wants to believe in David and Victoria's marriage, Asim Chaudhry doesn't want it to be true but thinks it might be... and Lee absolutely loves the idea:Clare: I... believe in their relationship, I must be...
Asim Chaudhry: Yeah.
Clare: ... just, the most naive person here, because I want...
Asim: I'm invested in it.
Clare: I am, I'm emotionally invested in their relationship, and I do think David's a nice guy and I don't think he would do that 'cause that would really upset her.
Lee: So what we're saying is if it's true, it's a really unpleasant thing...
Lee: ... and a really bad indictment on their marriage.
Lee: [enthusiastic] Well, this has taken a nasty turn, hasn't it!
Rob: So what's it gonna be?
Asim: I don't want it to be true, but I...
Lee: Oh, I do!
Rob: You-you think it's... whoa, wait a minute-
Lee: [points to David] I want his life to fall apart, this'll be such fun!
Asim: I think it's true, I don't want it to be true, I'm tryin' to, y'know, see the real... person... I think he's a nice guy!
Lee: No, the David I know, I don't think this is unpleasant enough.
Asim: Well, you know him way more...
Clare: Yeah, yeah, but also, David doesn't like you... [Asim bursts out laughing] So... it's a different relationship!
Lee: That's true, yes. But he doesn't hate me, right?
David: No! [laughter] Even though, Lee, you, on television, have said you want my marriage to fall apart, I still find you an adequate colleague.
Lee: Can- can I ask you a question, David? Are you still writing for Clinton Cards?
- Lee is interested by his use of the plural, resulting in a Call-Back to an earlier round when David said the "This is My" guest had left him in temporary charge as a lollipop man for "between nine and eleven minutes" when Lee said most people would say "about ten minutes":
- David about telling his wife "I told you so"':David: I didn't say that because I knew my wife would have already been thinking it. It was not necessary for me to say those words because they were already in her brain. At some point she is going to say, "You told me so", for me, as indeed she subsequently did. And that is when a relationship is working!
- Whenever Lee Mack and David Mitchell engage in Ham-to-Ham Combat, particularly the "coconut injury", "personal iPod manager" and "stolen tent" incidents. "This is My" is particularly ripe for this. If Lee's team are the ones claiming the association to the mystery guest, David will generally start by interrogating Lee, and on several occasions (most notably the aforementioned "stolen tent" story, but also the "darts team" story from the same series) the Ham-to-Ham Combat has escalated to the point that Rob Brydon has had to interrupt and remind David that there are two other possible answers - otherwise, David and Lee could probably argue with each other for hours.
- Both of Lee's acceptance speeches (for the show winning Best Comedy Panel Show and his winning "Best Male TV Comic" for the show) at the British Comedy Awards in 2013.
- It's quicker just to say "whenever Bob Mortimer is trying to convince someone of something", really. There's a reason he's appeared once a season since Season 6.