- From the pilot:Neal: (about Diana) Harmless flirting. It's like a dance.Peter: No, there is no dance. You're not even on her dance card. No dancing for you.Neal: Um...she digs the hat.Peter: Um...she'd rather be wearing the hat.
- It takes about three seconds for him to realize what Peter just said. The face Neal makes when he finally gets it is priceless.
- Later in the pilot is a possibly unintentional one as Peter looks at an old photo of him and his wife on holiday. He comments to himself that she hasn't changed a bit but that he has. Thing is, his face has been clearly photoshopped into the photo while hers is either done a lot better or not actually photoshopped at all.
- When Peter and his agents are preparing to raid the warehouse, Peter is grinning like a schoolboy as he tells the agents that there's an escaped fugitive in the building. You can practically see him thinking "Neal, you Magnificent Bastard."
- After Neal reveals the red fiber to be a new (and heavily classified) security fiber from the Canadian hundred dollar bill, he asks Peter how upset they were he knew. Peter responds they were pretty upset. At least, as upset as Canadians can get.
- From All In:Neal: I think I saw the Ark of the Covenant back there.Peter: If my face melts, let me know.
- "I love your alleged work! Big fan."
- Neal and Mozzie using what appears to be an Oregon Trail board game to map out their plan for destroying the tape in Bad Judgment.Neal: How are you gonna stall him?Neal: Do we have a backup?
- From the same episode, when sweeping for bugs, Mozzie notes all the expensive silverware and fancy vase in Peter's house.
- Later, when El walks Satchmo offscreen, the dog lets out a distressed growl, and Elizabeth snarks that Fowler probably didn't bug the dog. Mozzie's response? "Amateur."
- Also from Bad Judgement, when talking about taking down the corrupt judge, Peter makes the mistake of saying they will get her disrobed. Neal just grins and raises his eyebrows.Peter: That's not what I meant.
- Peter tells Neal to stay put when meeting a federal judge, since last time that happened he jumped out a window.
- Neal's response makes it even better, perfectly imitating a teenager just told to stay out of trouble by their father.
- In Vital Signs, Neal is strapped to a bed and given tranquilizers after he is caught in Dr. Powell's office. When Peter finds him, Neal's still on the bed (singing, no less) even though he freed himself a while ago.Peter: We gotta get you out of these binds.Neal: Oh, you mean these? (Raises arms and straps fall to the floor) What.
- The most impressive thing about this moment is the fact that, with just one syllable, Matt Bomer manages to sound deadpan, drugged out, and cocky all at the same time!
Peter: I cannot believe you! Why would you do something like this?Neal: Peter, I've done sooo many worse things you don't even know about.
- Actually, Neal's drugged state is a CMOF itself.
- Especially since he keeps hitting the floor.
- No kidding! From the the same scene:
Neal: Why is Elizabeth laughing?Peter: No idea.
- Elizabeth thinks Peter having to flirt with a suspect (and later awkwardly explaining it to her) is hilarious.
Elizabeth: Neal, are you okay? Do you need another ice pack?Peter: What about me?Elizabeth: I think there are some dishes that need to be done, Mr. Magic-Hands.
- Also from Vital Signs, while Neal is recovering from the tranquilizers at Peter's house:
Peter: (as Neal is leaving) Neal, remember, (points to badge) that's not real.Neal: (mischievous laugh, walks out)
- Most of Vital Signs is hilarious. Mention also goes to the scene early on where Neal shows up unexpectedly at the Burkes' house while they're having breakfast. Elizabeth offers him a cereal bowl, she and Neal both completely ignore Peter's annoyance with him for interrupting breakfast, and then Neal digs around in the cereal box for the free toy—a silver sheriff badge, which he pins onto his suit.
- What makes it even better, near the end of the episode, when they show up to arrest Dr. Powell, Peter holds up his FBI badge—and Neal, with the most adorable grin on his face, holds up his sheriff badge.
- The entire scene setting up for the FBI to storm Peter's house in Home Invasion. Especially him telling the SWAT guys to wipe their feet!"Anyone knocks anything over, they deal directly with my wife."
- From Bottlenecked. Hughes walks into Peter's office:Peter: This can't be good.Hughes: Why does everyone say that when I walk into their office?Peter: So you have good news?Hughes: No.
- Also from Bottlenecked, when Neal walks up behind Mozzie (who's making a fake bottle), Mozzie screams at the top of his lungs and nearly stabs Neal with a pair of large tweasers.Neal: Overreact much? What were you going to do with tweasers?Mozzie: The shinobi ninja can make a weapon from anything.Neal: You're not a ninjaMozzie: Exactly what I want you to think
- When Neal has to work with Agent Rice in Front Man:Rice: Y'know, you kept me waiting outside that rich lady's house for half an hour.Neal: You can't rush style, Agent Rice.Rice: Took me less time to get ready for my wedding. (Neal gives her a funny look) It didn't take.Neal: I'm not surprised.Beat, as Rice gives him a death glare.Neal: Statistically speaking.
Peter: You can't tell right now, but deep down I'm petrified.
- Earlier, when Peter shows up at her crime scene, she threatens to file a report if he does it again.
- Diana's conversation with Neal whilst sitting on his lap pretending to be a flirtatious call girl in Need to Know.Neal: Is this doing anything for you?
Diana: Not a daaamn thing. (smiling)
Neal: What were you going to do if I hadn't come in?
Diana: (sensually) Well... I'd have put this strawberry in that guy's mouth, taken him up to my room, put a gun between his ribs—and told him to shut up and sit tight, or I'd arrest him for solicitation.
Neal: (swallowing a bit of strawberry) That is really sexy.
- The picture of Peter's mustache at the end of that same episode.
- Pretty much everything Mozzie says.
- "I resent your judgment and your misguided misunderstanding of things you don't understand!"
- "Hey, do yourself a favor—never try to send a grappling hook through the post office."
- "Contrary to popular belief, I do not have the compassion of Jesus."
- "Oh...great. I brought a corkscrew to a gunfight."
- In The Teaser for Copycat Caffrey, Peter and Neal say that a crime resembles one allegedly committed by someone familiar. Diana doesn't get it, and asks "Who?" Neal gets the dopiest grin on his face as he answers: "Me."
Mozzie: "Or I'll start with your thumbs!"Peter: Or I'll start with your thumbs.
- For pretty much the entire first half of the episode, Neal is extremely excited that one of his old crimes is being copycatted. He keeps a newspaper clipping of the story about the recent heist, and just generally treats being copycatted like it's some kind of badge of honor. Neal's boyish gleefulness, along with Peter's exasperation, is absolutely hilarious to watch.
- At one point, Peter has to pretend to be a Detroit mobster. However, he needs an expert in the Detroit mob. Cue Mozzie in the van feeding him his lines.
- In By The Book, Mozzie finally walks into the FBI offices, dumbstruck by the very idea of doing so. What follows is a montage of Mozzie noticing details of all the agents, the office, etc., as a clip from The Hall of the Mountain King plays.
- Dumbstruck by the fact that he was invited in to help as opposed to being arrested and questioned no less.
- Sara losing both bets that she made with Neal and Peter, separately, about what the other one would say in Unfinished Business.
Neal: I'm standing alone by a waste treatment plant...Peter: Sexy.
- Also in Unfinished Business:
Sara: Neal brought me a gift.
- The banter between Sara, Neal and Peter is just beautiful.
Peter: Ah, the Raphael. Cute.
Sara: He wants something.
Neal: I can't get you a present?
Sara: When someone like you gets someone like me a gift, there's a reason. Peter, what do you think Neal wants?
Peter: He's never given me a present.
Neal: I sent you birthday cards.
Peter: That wasn't a present. Do you want something from Ms. Ellis?
Neal: I want her to stop pointing guns at me.
Peter: That can be arranged.
- From Prisoner's Dilemma:
Neal: Is this a CI-off?[Neal uses his ability to read people in order to divine where a spare key is. Rebecca, the other CI, uses her contacts to fake a Bluetooth key. Neal's idea is faster.]Peter: My CI beat your CI!
- "Peter?" "I need to hotwire a Lamborghini!"
- In the same scene, both FBI agents call their respective C Is for the same advice.
- Elizabeth making her actual contribution to what they originally called the Burke's Six. Also crosses over in-universe as a CMOA as both Neal and Peter look positively dumbstruck/love struck by her improvisation.Elizabeth: *hangs up phone* Now it's the Burke's Seven.
Neal: I'll pay you... bubble!
- Also in Burke's Seven when Neal is impersonating Larson with a rather limited voice changer.
- Sara distracting the people on the boat for Neal by playing the part of the rich empty-headed society wife trying to hire it. "How much would it cost to paint the whole thing pink?"
- In Forging Bonds, a flashback episode, we get to see how Neal met Peter—by walking up to him while Peter's telling a woman about Neal's forged bonds, fooling him into thinking he's an Innocent Bystander looking to protect his bonds, and then handing Peter a lollipop for a job well done.
- In What Happens in Burma, Mozzie and Neal are in Neal's apartment, working on a plan to steal back a hard drive using a delayed smoke bomb Mozzie made. The smoke doesn't go off—until Peter drops by. Mozzie has to hide the smoke bomb in his jacket and is standing surreptitiously with smoke casually coming out of it.Peter: What're you guys doin'?Mozzie: Discussing Hegel and his rational realism. You?Peter: Casual stroll. You're smoking.Mozzie: It's a smoking jacket.
- This exchange from Countermeasures.Neal: I need a favor.Diana: (without looking up) Neal, what did I say last time you asked me for a favor?Neal: I should think long and hard before trying to pull anything over on you.Diana: And?Neal: And that if I ever did try, you'd break one or both of my arms.Diana: You know I hate to repeat myself.
- Also in Countermeasures, Peter flat out denies Neal's idea of bringing his wife in as part of a "covert interrogation" and he tells Neal to "find another way." Not two seconds later, El's phone rings. What follows is quite possibly one of the funniest scenes in the entire series, by sheer virtue of Peter's facial expressions as he hears Elizabeth accept the dinner invitation.
- In Power Play, Neal and Peter have to switch identities for the whole episode. The agents have an absolute field day with it, from Neal asking Peter to bring him coffee (cream, no sugar), to Jones and Diana's jokes, to Peter pouring in an entire can of sugar. And that's just in the first ten minutes!Jones: (to Peter) Oh, don't you hate it when Peter makes you get coffee?Peter: You're getting me mocha chai lattes for the rest of the month.Diana: Hey, boss. Why is Neal in your office?Jones: Neal is posing as Peter so a witness will tell us about an energy collusion scam.Diana: Awesome! I'm going in!
Neal: So, who's going to tell Peter?
- It's really subtle, but when Peter is announcing to all the agents in the office that Neal is going to be impersonating him for a little while, Neal is standing next to him, imitating Peter's hand gestures with a dead serious look on his face.
- There's also a great deleted scene in this episode, in which Peter has to "Caffrey his way out" of a tight spot.
- Elizabeth's absolutely blindsided look when Neal casually walks up to the witness and introduces himself as Peter. Then, after she's played along and the witness has left, they both just stare for a moment in a 'what did we just do?' manner.
Neal: I vote you.
- Mozzie walking in on Neal and Sara making out always makes this troper laugh!
- From Where There's a Will:Elizabeth: Honey, do you want to grab some mirrors and go play with Neal?Peter: (big grin) Yes!
Savannah: (pointing at Neal) Who's he?
- And, earlier, Peter's conversation with the little girl.
Peter: His name is Neal. He knows a lot of stuff.
Savannah: What's that thing on his leg?
Peter: That's a tracking anklet.
Savannah: I have an anklet. Wanna see? (shows Peter her anklet)
Peter: Cute. Where'd you get it?
Savannah: My grandpa. Where'd he get his?
Peter: It's part of a federal work release program where...(trails off) er....I gave it to him. It's so I don't lose him.
Savannah: Oh. Are you his grandpa?
Peter: Weren't you supposed to go to your room?
Savannah: Uh huh!
- In Deadline, Neal and Sara attempt a "normal" before-work conversation:Sara: Sweetie.
Sara: Did you take out the garbage?
Neal: Honey, I shredded the garbage. You know the feds love to rummage.
Sara: They're not the only ones; I once tracked a Rothko to the Hamptons using a Jitney receipt.
- Also from Deadline, Peter is explaining to Diana that she has to go undercover as the assistant to a very hard-lined journalist who, according to Jones, "puts the 'Hell' in Helen."Diana: So I'll be at the absolute beck and call of my tough new boss? (casts a side glance at Neal, who laughs.)Peter: What's funny?Neal: Nothing, no... (to Diana) If you ever need any advice...
- In The Dentist of Detroit: Peter and Neal's entire fake argument is hilarious, but Peter's face after Neal yells "And the next time your hot wife is lonely, tell her to call me!" makes the scene.
Mozzie: You touch anything and you'll be hearing from my lawyer.Jones: You are your lawyer.Mozzie: Scared?Jones: (deadpan) Ooh.
- More than that, Neal was mostly okay with being called untrustworthy (real issues bleeding through), but he was just so hurt when Peter insulted his hats, earnestly insisting that Peter loves his hats.
- From that same episode: Elizabeth tells Mozzie about the two times she got arrested. The first time was for having a fake ID. The second time was because she streaked across campus after losing a bet in college. Mozzie's half-astonished, half-impressed, "Mrs. Suit!" really sells it.
- Anything to do with Mozzie in the FBI safehouse.
- Why did Mozzie start calling himself "The Dentist of Detroit"? Because he was a kid at the time and a dentist was the scariest thing he could think of.
- Veiled Threat: Sara (leaning on Neal's shoulder with a goofy grin as they watch Peter "propose" to a suspected murderer from behind a two-way mirror): "Best. Date. Ever."
Sara: Can Peter draw?Neal: Unless she's expecting a breathtaking stick figure, he's in trouble.
- Earlier in that same scene:
- Scott Free
Mozzie: I sense good in him.Neal: Oh do you, Qui-Gon Jinn?
- When they're discussing the Confederate motorcycle:Chad: Have you ever had a hundred grand between your legs?Neal: Actually, yes, I have. I—Peter: Don't. No.
- It gets funnier when you watch Checkmate and you realize it probably wasn't as inappropriate as Peter thought; Neal was probably just talking about that solid gold tray...
- Also from that episode, Neal and Mozzie discuss Scott.
- When they're discussing the Confederate motorcycle:
- From Taking Account:Mozzie: (over the phone) Neal, this isn't a great time.
Neal: Yeah, well, you've got the FBI on the line.
Peter: We need to talk to your new client.
Mozzie: Please call my office during normal business hours to set an appointment.
Neal: Look, can you find Sally or not?
(Camera pans over, revealing Sally in bed stroking Mozzie's chest)
Mozzie: ...hang on. (cut to FBI office, where they hear:) Do you see my glasses?
Sally: They're right in front of you.
(Shocked reactions all around)
Neal: (alternately surprised/impressed/amused) Are they...?
Peter: (mildly disgusted) I think...they are...
Mozzie: Are these your socks?
Sally: That one is mine.
Diana: I will never unhear that.
- Near the end of As You Were:Neal: (about staying in the surveillance van) I'm just saying I'd rather pound my thumb with a hammer.Jones: I'll do it.Diana: Pound his thumb?
Mozzie: For what it's worth, I'm really sorry about Sara. She has an infectious joie de vivre. And she looks terrific in pants-suits.Neal: Promise me you'll never speak at my funeral.
- Earlier in that episode, Mozzie expresses his opinion about Neal and Sara's breakup:
Neal: I was an admiral. Royal Navy.Peter: I did not hear that. Nobody heard that. Pencils down. Don't write that.
- Also, Neal's casual response to being asked if he can impersonate a Naval officer.
- A great non-verbal scene from Countdown: Neal is about to detail his plan for how to swap out the real Degas for his forgery. Mozzie, knowing it's going to be something really outrageous, holds up a hand for Neal to wait. He then picks up a bottle of wine and a small glass. He looks at Neal, switches to a bigger glass, fills it up halfway, looks at Neal again, and then fills it up the rest of the way. Neal's only reaction is to raise his eyebrows.
- Checkmate, of all episodes, manages to have a few funny moments.
- "I'd shake your hand, but..."
- "You walk in front of me."
- In Upper West Side Story, Diana is pretending to be Peter's mistress, and they're having a stage fight. She mentions his pretend son's baby brother, and he replies that Peter Jr. doesn't have a baby brother. She tells him he will in about six months. Forget pretending, Peter was honestly caught off-guard by that statement, and it was absolutely hilarious to watch.
Jones: Hey. Caffrey just gave me two tickets to a Yankees game tonight. And they look real.
- From that same episode:
- Doubles as a Heartwarming Moment. Peter wouldn't accept the tickets from Neal, who had originally given them to him as an attempt to get back on his good side. By the end of the episode, Neal genuinely wants Peter to have the tickets, so he gives them to Jones, knowing the first thing Jones will do is invite Peter.
- The fact that Neal and Mozzie spend almost the entire episode trying to set up Evan and Chloe.
- Neal as a substitute teacher "Tomorrow we're starting Dickens!" and Peter's response "Someone has Great Expectations."
- Also, Evan's visual aids.
- From the beginning of Neighborhood WatchPeter: I guess the Bureau can live without an MZGSM scanner for a few hours.Elizabeth: Ohh, sexy tech-talk, Inspector Gadget...Peter: You like?Elizabeth: (seductively) Yeahhh.Peter: Well, if I'm late tonight, I'm probably dealing with a wireless XD5 Intel motherboard thingy problem.
- From that same episode, Mozzie's description of El's driving: "Elizabeth is like a terrifying amalgamation of Danica Patrick and The Man from U.N.C.L.E!"
- At the beginning of Pulling Strings, Peter's instructions to Jones and Diana as he's getting ready to spend a weekend at home with his visiting in-laws:Peter: This entire weekend, assume I do not exist. Don't e-mail me, don't call me—Diana: Don't even think about calling you—Jones: Don't even think about thinking about calling you—Peter: Unless someone dies, or Neal does something big. And maybe not even if someone dies.
Peter: Keep an eye on Neal.Diana: Sure thing, Dr. Huxtable.
- And then Jones does call - because someone died. (Lampshaded as such, too!)
- Peter's horrible sweater that his mother-in-law made for him.
Diana: Are you going to intervene?Sara: No, no I'm only concerned with one instrument, not watching them swing theirs.
- Diana and Sara's commentary while watching Neal and Bryan's verbal sparring match:
- In "Stealing Home", Neal stops by the Burke household in the morning and is greeted by Elizabeth, who seems to be in rather good spirits. Upon commenting on her cheerfulness, we get this exchange. For someone who's matured quite a lot in the last three seasons, Neal is sure acting a lot like a teenager who's just walked in on his parents enjoying their post-coitus bliss:Elizabeth: You're awfully chipper today.Neal: So are you.(Elizabeth grins to herself.)Peter: (coming down the stairs) El! You are a tigress! A tigress! I know when you— (enters the room and sees Neal is there, abruptly changes the subject) —hey, Neal. Grab some breakfast?Neal: (awkwardly) Heyyyy. I'm not hungry anymore...
- It's made ten times funnier by the fact that it's just been implied that he and Sara were doing the same thing the previous night. As they're all adults, there's really no reason he should find it awkward, until you take into account that, as mentioned above, Peter and Elizabeth are like parents to him.
- From Judgment Day:Mozzie: Behind every worst case scenario is a worse worst case scenario.Neal: Isn't there a child whose balloon you have to pop somewhere?
- In Most Wanted, Peter, Neal, and Mozzie are discussing their plan to take down Dobbs. Part of the plan involves Peter acting as bartender at Dobbs' monthly party.Peter: What about his regular bartender?Mozzie: Oh, he may have won an all-expense-paid dream vacation that takes place the day of the party.Peter: Could work, but he's not gonna hire me because of my pretty face.
- From Parting Shots after Peter makes up a really weak alias for Neal:Neal: Neal Armstrong?Peter: ...Arms. All those prosthetics in the evidence warehouse. At least it's better than Neal Hand...le...man.Neal: No, it's not. I like Neal Handleman.Peter: Should have gone with Eisenhower (Eyes-en-hower).Neal: (Abruptly turns and walks away)Peter: That would've been good.
- In "Identity Crisis", Peter is reading the book about the old spy network and starts to say that only a conspiracy nut would believe that the spy network was still alive...then stops when he realizes that he's talking about Mozzie.
- In "Compromising Positions", Peter and Sara have to fake a bunch of dirty pictures. Peter is, well - Peter, and uncomfortable at touching another woman, Sara is just as weirded out, Neal is hanging out on the balcony with a camera offering commentary, and El is doing everything from ripping Peter's shirt the "right" way to slapping his butt and telling him to "show her your moves, honey." Hilarious.
- By the end, even Neal seems a little uncomfortable.
- This entire episode is a CMOF. Mozzie gets several good moments, including what is probably the absolute best use of the phrase, "Drill, Baby, Drill!" in television history.
- Diana fangirling over the high-tech bullet-proof vest in Vested Interest.
- Family Business has a few good funny moments.
Mozzie: Y'know, whiskey comes from a Gaelic word—Neal: (giggles)Mozzie: What?Neal: You said Gaelic...Mozzie: —a Gaelic word meaning "water of life." Now I understand that.Neal: Yeah, and tomorrow morning we are gonna find that name painfully ironic.
- Three words: High. Stakes. Candyland.
- Neal and Mozzie getting drunk while taste-testing their counterfeit whiskey.
- Neal's subsequent hangover the next day.
- Which Peter cures with pickle juice.
- When Mozzie finds out that Peter is in the hospital after being in a car wreck, we get this gem.Mozzie: Well obviously my liver is a write-off, but my acupuncturist will testify to the virginal state of my spleen.
- It's also heartwarming: Mozzie was offering to donate his organs to Peter.
- From Empire City:Mozzie: I'm aiding and abetting the fuzz, and I'm the one in manacles?Neal: You ran five consecutive red lights.
Mozzie: Whoever said "the customer is always right," never met the customer!
- Neal and Mozzie's customer/cab driver routine.
Peter: Like that ice diamond you sold.Neal: (smiles and nods) No.
- Also, a very quick one when Neal comes up with a plan to replace the stolen goods with a facsimile that will melt.
- Neal's voicemail message to Peter in Shoot the Moon:Neal: Peter, hey, three things: nobody's dead, Satchmo's fine, aaand I changed your alarm code, which I'll gladly give back to you in exchange for some maple syrup. Tell Elizabeth I said hi.
- Neal completely pwning the museum curator with a lesson in chicken sexing that he pulls the heck out of nowhere, and then brilliantly ties back in to his explanation about how he knows the piece of art on display is a forgery.
- In the Wind: Neal has just woken up when James enters his apartment, telling him they need to plan...and then is caught flatfooted as he sees Sara wearing just a short silk robe. It takes James three tries to get her name right.
- Mozzie arrives, sees Sara, asks who called her over, gives her his coffee, and pours himself a glass of wine.
- Peter arrives last. "Good, you're all here. Who called Sara?"
- Neal gets the last word, exasperatedly asking, "How is it possible that three grown men don't understand what's going on here?"
- Prompting James, Mozzie, and Peter to all look straight ahead with awkward "Ohhh..." faces.
- In Out of the Frying Pan, Diana's water breaks and Mozzie has to be the one delivering the baby. When a surprised Neal walks in on Diana and Mozzie holding the baby, we get this exchange:Mozzie: I'm a dad!
Diana: Not even close!
Mozzie: I'm a midwife!
- New handler David Siegel monitors Neal's tracking anklet a lot more closely than Peter ever did. When Neal finds out about this, he starts buying his morning coffee from vendors parked in front of well-known banks and museums. Peter thinks this is hilarious.
- Mozzie turns out to have a wife How did they meet? They were both running a sweetheart con (where they pose as a wealthy individual and pretend to fall in love with another wealthy individual and quickly get married to steal the other's money) ON EACH OTHER.
- From a cast interview, Willie Garson describes a majority of Mozzie's dialogue: "Blah blah blah blah blah...legal, legal...whatever...is there more wine?"
- In another cast interview, the relationship between cast and showrunner Jeff Eastin is described in loving terms... as a dictatorship. (It's Played for Laughs.)
- Also, Willie Garson, who plays Mozzie, describes acting and scripts: "It's almost like raising children. You do your best every day, and hope they don't grow up to be an axe murderer."
Funny / White Collar