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Funny / Vampyr

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This game might be a dark RPG, but there are comical moments still. Unmarked spoilers below!


  • Dr. Swansea's response to Jonathan suddenly and eagerly supporting his desire to study vampire blood.
    Jonathan: (enthusiastically) Well, using my blood I could create a whole army of vampires!
  • Dr. Swansea referring to himself as the “little old me” in one optional dialogue.
  • Dorothy Crane talking about herself after Jonathan makes her resign.
    Dorothy: There is not much to say. [...] I was born in Romania and I may have been the best nurse Pembroke ever had... before you fired me.
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    • Reid asks if she trusts him and she says, "Well, you fired me for illegally operating on a patient in order to protect your friend. So, yes, because we're both blackmailers."
  • Giving Charlotte a taste of her own medicine by painting a colorful picture of what a vampire could really do to a desperate Vampire Vannabe: assault them, drain them, and leave their carcass to the rats. Jonathan details all of this with a straight face... then admits he's got an atrocious sense of humor.
    Charlotte: (in a squeaky voice) Oh, my God! For one second, I thought you actually... Excellent, Dr. Reid. Very convincing.
  • In Chapter Two, reporting to Lady Ashbury right after defeating the Sewer Beast will award you with an exceedingly deadpan “that was fast” remark.
  • Everything there is to do with Ichabod Throgmorton, the vampire hunter extraordinaire.
    Jonathan: (barely quells laughter) A vampire hunter? Really?
    Jonathan: (reporting after completing Ichabod's quest) I put up your public service announcement. Consider the common folk warned about the... (pauses) vampiric presence.
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  • Myrddin telling Jonathan King Arthur was a champion before him makes the man scoff and mutter a “why am I not surprised?” under his breath.
  • Chatting with Dr. Swansea after Jonathan turns him yields this gem.
    Jonathan: What will you do now that you are immortal?
    Dr. Swansea: (promptly) Experiment, my dear colleague. I have an eternity to make scientific progress. I could be the only scientist able to undertake extremely experiments upon himself!
    Jonathan: What kind of experiments?
    Dr. Swansea: Who knows? Nervous shock, brain damage, pain, and recovery. There is almost no limit to what my body can now endure. I could be the next Henry Head!
    Jonathan: (indignantly) My God, Edgar! Did you learn nothing from your forays into folly?
    Dr. Swansea: I have, I swear. No more experiments on mortals. See? I said mortals.
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  • Dr. Swansea stopping a potential confrontation between Jonathan and McCullum by saying he just had the carpet the two men are standing on cleaned.
  • Louise asks Jonathan if Vampires are capable of having sex, catching the doctor off-guard and making him sputter.
    Louise: Can vampires even fuck, doctor?
    Jonathan: What? Hmm... Well... I... I really can't answer that... I... Well... Since they are creatures of blood. Um, physically speaking, I suppose an erection is possible... But... I... Hmmm!
    Louise: (holding in laughter) Don't be embarrassed, Dr. Reid. I was just asking.
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