- "He has so many tubes, he looks like a set of bagpipes."
- Amy's opinion on Dan:Selina: Okay. What do you think of Dan?Amy: Oh, Dan is a shit.Selina: You want to expand on that?Amy: Sure. He's a massive and total shit. When you first meet him, you think surely to God this man can't be as big a shit as he seems, but he is.Selina: See, I -Amy: 'Cause like if there were a book with covers made of shit, you'd think "That's intriguing. I wonder what's in this book that they saw fit to give it covers made of pure shit." And then you open it and... shit.
- After learning that the President was removing his support for Clean Jobs:Dan: I was trying to use Jonah for intelligence.Selina: That's like trying to use a croissant as a fuckin' dildo.Dan: I thought...Selina: No no no, let me be more clear. It doesn't do the job, and it makes a fucking MESS!
- Selina's Freak Out! at Kent.Selina: [ranting]
Kent: Okay, calm dow—!
Selina: DON'T YOU TELL ME TO CALM DOWN!
- And right afterwards, she accidentally throws a lipstick at his eye. It's Kent's first episode and he's already breaking character with him screaming in pain.
- Congressman Furlong has been in DC for a while and wants to make an appointment with Selina.Selina: I'd rather set fire to my vulva, so that's a no.
- Later, when Congressman Furlong shows up at the Veep's office.Sue: Hello, what do you want, you can't have it, goodbye.
- Later, when Congressman Furlong shows up at the Veep's office.
- Selina's small talk with the newly-elected senators at their swearing-in ceremony. To be fair, she was distracted by the hostage rescue.Selina: So you had a good New Year's?
Senator: Yes, we were skiing in Vermont.
Selina: Well, that's how the cookie crumbles.
- Kent's noodle analogy.
- Kent telling Jonah to bring him his cerise-colored binder. Jonah returns with three "cerise"-colored binders instead since he can't tell which one is "cerise" and Kent gets mad at him for it.Jonah: I'm sorry, sir. I must have a very specific form of colorblindness...
The Vic Allen Dinner
- Selina confronts Jonah in her West Wing office.Jonah: I came to tell you that you're a meme, Ma'am.
Selina: I'm a "Meme Ma'am?" What are you talking about? Speak English, boy!
Selina: How do we stop this Meme Ma'am shit?
Jonah: No, it's just a meme, Ma'am. Not a "Meme Ma'am."
- Later:Selina: I cannot believe... that you put [the Kent Davison song] out on Tumble.
Jonah: It's Tumblr.
- Dan asks about the annoying British reporterAmy: You do not want one of those on your back; they will sell nude pics of their grandma for a glass of hot beer.
- Selina sneak some cigarettes in her hotel room, while Gary watches accusinglySelina: Don't give me that Quaker-in-a-titty-bar look. Don't!
- Ben bursts into Kent's Dream Metric office and berates the latter about the President not informing the congressional intel committees about the spy operative.Ben: Now this isn't a choice, like my diet - it's a necessity, like my drinking!
- Danny Chung is on CNN lamenting the government shutdown.Selina: Now that's the problem with high definition. You don't want to see a dick in high def.
- After her argument with the Speaker of the House, Selina finds Amy and Ben to inform them that POTUS is blaming her for the government shutdown.Ben: Madam Vice President, greatest respect, but it has always been the job of the Vice President to, you know, take it in the ass for the President-
Selina: Well, this ass is closed for business. This ass is in clench-down mode. Let the President take in the ass sometime, he might like it.
- Selina and journalist Janet Ryland's respective teams are scoping each other out before the interview, namely each other's wardrobeCody Marshall: [Selina's] wearing this bluish dress, like she's vomited flowers all over herself.
- Mike reassuring Selina about Danny Chung potentially running for President:The way POTUS is going, hell probably stumble into a war sooner or later. Chung will re-enlist and hopefully get himself killed
- Selina literally walking into a glass door.Dan: That woman has become a living metaphor of her own career.
- The herbal painkillers that Gary gives her mixes with her anti-depressants, causing her to get really high. She ends up laughing semi-hysterically with Gary, inviting herself to his parents' 40th marriage anniversary, offering to buy Mike's boat, and laughing hysterically while urinating standing up.
- Mike frantically running up and down the stairs (instead of taking the elevator) to not alert the press.
- When Jonah finds out:Mike: You just broke his brain Amy.Dan: Jesus look at his stupid gaping mouth. Let's put stuff in it.
- Jonah's new nickname from the VP's office:Jonah: The VPs office can be very insubordinate. They insubordinate all the time. Do you know that they call me Jonad? That is tantamount to calling the President Jonad.Ben: No, its not. He's the President. You're Jonad.
- The fun run:
- Amy, Mike, and Dan tell Gary to convince Selina to run slower so she won't beat a disabled veteran.Gary: You gotta slow down.Selina: Why?Gary: It looks bad.Selina:Oh, God, what? My face.Gary: No, your face looks fine. You're beating a disabled guy.Selina:Oh, come on. Don't be so hard on yourself, Gary.Gary: I can't stop her, she's unstoppable.
- Jonah shows up to tell Selina to support the president.Jonah: (To Mike) Yeah, what's up you fucking Lorax.—-Jonah: Oh God, this zipper is like a cheese grater on my dickMike: HAHA. LORAX
- The race also involves someone dressed as a banana.Dan: Ma'am, I need you to speed up or slow down. We can't have you in a photo finish with a banana.
- Amy, Mike, and Dan tell Gary to convince Selina to run slower so she won't beat a disabled veteran.
- Ben scorching the Earth:Ben: Burn everything incriminating, including this building. Burn all the White House pets, and then yourselves. Burn yourselves first.
- Selina telling Jonah to fuck off in various ways:Selina: Jonah, don't talk, don't stay. You need to fuck off and go back to Westworld.Jonah: But, ma'am...Selina: You need to fuck off.Jonah: But, ma'am.Selina: I said fuck off. Three fucks, you're out.
- Later:Selina: Excuse me, Ben. Gonna go see the president.Ben: Uh, no. No, you're not. He's canceled. And you're gonna meet with me instead.Jonah: Ma'am, that is what I was going to tell you earlier today, until you told me to-Selina: Fuck off.Jonah: Are you finishing my sentence or are you telling me that again?Selina: Both.
- And finally:Selina: Jonah. Hey, listen, settle something for me.Jonah: Okay.Selina: You like to have sex and you like to travel?Jonah: Yes, ma'am.Selina: Then you can fuck off.
- Dan's response when he is asked whether Selina plagiarized a speech:Dan: Was your mom plagiarizing the Bible last night when she said 'oh God oh God'?
- The opening scene speculates on the impeachment of POTUS over the spy scandal. Selina's response?Selina: Ugh, I hate impeachments. They're so 90s.
- This gem:Secret Service Agent: Ma'am, the President has left the building.
Selina: Who gives a flying fuck?
Some New Beginnings
- Selina at the book signing, interacting with potential caucus-goers.Normal #1: Is that a Star Wars reference, A New Beginning?
Selina: No, this is actually "Some New Beginnings: Our Next American Journey".
Normal #1: Too late to change it?
Selina: It is, yeah.
Selina: I call it Some New Beginnings because it's plural.
Selina: Hi! What is... is that butter?
Normal #5: In the shape of the great state of Iowa.
Selina: (flustered) Ahh...
Richard: If it melted, it would become Texas.
Selina: (still flustered) This is an absolutely (pause) stunning butter st- sculpture.
- Kent firing Jonah ("Sir, I think I've temporarily lost your meaning?") and Dan hanging up his call with Amy to watch it go down.Jonah: Nonononono, sir, please, working at the White House is a part of my DNA, and vice versa! I—
Kent: You're embarrassing yourself!
Jonah: Sir, I don't have anything else in my life!
Dan: He really doesn't, sir.
Jonah: See, exactly! Thank you, Da-- FUCK YOU, DAN!
Kent: That'll be all, Mr. Ryan.
Jonah: Sir, did POTUS 'OK' this?!
Kent: GET HIM OUT OF HERE!
- Saturday Night Live did a sketch on one of her life lessons from her memoir, which Selina calls shit.Selina: So what? I had a horse as a kid. Who didn't? (Gary shakes his head) I mean have a pet, is what I meant.Ben: In your book, you say that pony grooming taught you about how tough it is for American farmers. It's funny.
SNL Selina: I'm Selina Meyer, and I approve my pony!
- Mike has to beg Jonah not to run a story about him calling a woman a cow. He is left kneeling in front of Jonah and singing "Goober Peas."
- Selina visits the Google-like and Facebook-like titular tech company, and is shown their graffiti wall.Mike: (Selina makes to sign the wall) No, Ma'am, that's Ron Jeremy.
Selina: I know, he'a a great actor. He was Scar in The Lion King!
Mike: No, Ma'am, that was Jeremy Irons. Ron Jeremy is a porn legend.
Selina: Oh. (Makes for another blank spot)
Mike: Uh-uh, that's Lance Armstrong.
Melissa: We're having that chemically expunged.
- Later, we see that there are not one, but two parody sites of Selina's campaign website. MeatMeyer.com and MeatingMeyer.com.Craig: If it's any consolation, a porn parody is a sure sign that you've made it.
- Selina learns that Craig is a billionaire and is only 26.Selina: That's wrong. It's too young. No, you shouldn't make your first million until you're in your thirties. That's what Andrew and I did and it kept us completely grounded.
- Andrew and Catherine discover that Selina's been fooling around with Ray, her personal trainer, just now in her hotel roomCatherine: Mom, not the help! Jesus, that's tacky!
- Jonah reading Dan's chart after Dan had a nervous breakdown, ended up in a hospital and got fired as campaign manager:Jonah: Dan Egan. 67, female. Unemployed campaign manager, thirty different types of semen pumped from stomach, inverted nipples, abnormally high douche readings - that makes sense -, cancer of the soul, traces of dog excrement found around the corners of mouth, chronic cretinism, leprosy, anal bleeding, uh... tiny child balls?"
- Selina in a pub... "Daniwah!"Amy: They're laughing at her like a toddler they taught to swear!
- Jonah is waiting for a British reporter in a garage all by himself à la All the President's Men. His interactions with the officer is hilarious.
- This gem of a quote when Selina decides to "get the merry old fuck out of merry old England."Selina: I need to be driven to the airport at Diana speed. But more carefully, please.
- Gary is building up the anticipation for the reveal of Selina's Important HaircutGary: She's coming! She's coming!
Mike: I think Gary's about to come!
Selina: No, no, that's too much buildup!
- After getting the news that the President is resigning, making Selina his successor for the next few months, Selina and Gary pretty much go Laughing Mad, while also having to deal with Gary getting a nosebleed.
- Mike during Selina's interview with the pretentious New Hampshire journalist.Mike: (whispering) Siri, why does God allow suffering?
- Gary has kept an important gift, a pair of shoes, for Selina on the occasion that she should give her first inaugural speech as president. Selina can barely contain her non-excitement.Gary: The perfect shoe for the perfect moment in the perfect life of the perfect woman.
- The shoes make a squeaking noise with every step Selina takes. After she returns from the speech.Selina: Take these fucking shoes and shoot 'em in the fucking head!
- "The President squeaks to the nation"
- The shoes make a squeaking noise with every step Selina takes. After she returns from the speech.
- Selina's teleprompter debacle during the Joint Session.Selina: There are literally no words.
Selina: Whole cities of children were going to be saved from poverty. Instead now, that money is going to fund. Obsolete. Metal. Giant. Dildos.
- From Bad to Worse. The speech that shows up on her teleprompter adds a ten billion dollar investment in obsolete submarines rather than cuts the funding.
- Kent volunteers to tell Catherine that the public generally find her unlikeable. Unfortunately, he does so without any tact.Kent: Catherine, I asked you in because...Catherine, America doesn't like you.Catherine: What?Kent: That sounded way too harsh when boiled down to a headline thought.Catherine: Let me see that.Kent: It's not that you are unlikable, it's that there is a perception that you're unlikeable.Catherine: They hate me.Kent: I wouldn't say hate. You just polarise opinion with the bulk of it gravitating to this pole here. (Touches her shoulder to comfort her) Uh oh, my. You have sharp shoulders.Catherine: This is like high school all over again.Kent: Yeah, sure, kind of, but much bigger.
- Gary unfortunately overspends on the state dinner.Selina: How much has he spent?Ben: Well, imagine Elton John on a day he feels fat.
- Selina finds out that one of her successful campaign visits targeted recently bereaved parents. The parents were targeted by using stolen government data:Kent: If we can just hold our nerve and maintain a bunker mentality—Selina: Don't give me that bunker shit. Hitler went into a bunker and when he came out he wasn't the chancellor anymore was he? Plus he was dead! And I'll tell you something, if he were alive right now he'd be very anxious to distance himself from me at this moment.
- Gary and Mike accidentally get left behind in Tehran. They make it to the back-up plane only to learn that it's damaged and it'll take a week to replace the part. They take all of the booze from that plane to go to the Press plane, but drop it all over the airport. They fail to make it on the plane.
- Jonah gets called by Bill to inquire about what's going on in the VP's office. Jonah mistakes this as Bill knowing about Teddy sexually harassing him. Unfortunately, Jonah's on speaker phone, which leads to Kent, Sue, and Catherine hearing in as well.
- Amy's reaction when Sue tells her that, in order to placate VP Doyle, Bill told him about the use of the data concerning the bereaved parents.Amy: God that is some elaborate self-sabotage right there. That is Cirque du Soleil suicide bombing. Go back in time and stop that from happening.
- VP Doyle tells Selina that he's stepping off the ticket, but that he's resigning out of principle whereas Selina and Ben require that he resign for health reasons. Ben decides to blackmail Doyle with sexual abuse allegations, specifically Teddy molesting Jonah.Ben: He's been fondling Jonah's balls like he's trying to find a prize inside.
- When Doyle confronts Teddy, Teddy's last ditch effort to not get fired is to say this:Teddy: Sir, everything I have done — everything — has been to serve you, and that goes double for fondling Jonah.
- When Doyle states he wants off the ticket, Selina (who wanted to dump him anyway) has to pretend to be disappointed, while just barely containing her glee.
- When Doyle confronts Teddy, Teddy's last ditch effort to not get fired is to say this:
- Sue's elated face, which is basically the same as her normal face◊.
- Selina's attempts to convince Danny Chung to become her VP:Selina: What comes after Veep? President, right. And you never know. Someday, somebody might just (imitates shooting herself).
- Amy's rant directed at Selina's new adviser Karen, who never says anything specific.Have you been sent from the future to destroy me? 'Cause it's working. "I think that each candidate has merits and demerits. And I don't know my left butt cheek from my right butt cheek, but I believe in listening to both butt cheeks and then farting out my asshole mouth." It's not even bullshit. Bullshitting takes talent. You have none. You are just a blah, blah, blah, blah bitch.
- And then she turns on Selina. "You are the worst thing to happen to this nation since food in buckets! And possibly slavery!"
Storms and Pancakes
- Selina hears a hurricane may hit North Carolina and she should be there afterward.Mike: We can track the storm on my weather app.Selina: Well, gee, Mike, we can also use the full power of the National Weather Service.Mike: Yeah but it's a really good app.
- Jonah, going to what he thinks is a job interview, is asked to join a group of women in a lawsuit against Teddy, for sexual harassment. He uncomfortably realizes that they are not only as tall as him, but look like him in some way.
Richard: I'm sorry, Ma'am. A number of tall women were molested, and Mr. Ryan was one of them.
- Later, when he lashes out at another tall woman (who has nothing to do with the lawsuit), his aide Richard replies:
- Selina and her team commenting on her debate:Selina: Oh, God, you know what I should've brought up? That rumor about O'Brien's daughter blowing all those hockey players in college.Kent: Ooh, that would've been a mistake.Tom: Huge mistake. It was the lacrosse players.
- The intruder in the White House gets everyone going.Gary: Shouldn't we be in a panic room?Sue: Gary, any room you're in is a panic room.
Sue: What are you doing?Gary: It's a weapon!Sue: It's a clock. What are you to do, tell him what time it is?
- And later, when the intruder's grabbed right outside the room they're in, Gary panics and grabs a clock.
- Hearing the intruder was yelling "I'm gonna kill Tom James and that bitch," Selina is thrown that "a guy came to kill me and didn't even know my name!"
- Dan and Amy lobbying: they get a number of pretty, well-educated women to talk to (much older) Congressmen:Dan: Ladies, you are going to be our sale bait.Lobbyist: By sale bait, you mean?Amy: Independent, well-educated young women like you who also happen to be very hot to lure congressmen into the room in a way that is deeply feminist.—Dan: The key is to jump in before it becomes an actual assault.Amy: I'm afraid we missed the window.
- Mike tells Tom that the Meyer administration used the health records of dead children to target and appeal to voters who were recently bereaved parents.Jonah: It's not really as bad as it sounds. You know, those kids have been dead for a while.
- Another intruder breaks in at the end with the Secret Service literally lifting Selina up in the air with her feet dangling over the floor.Gary: Another intruder?!Selina: No, Gary, it's the same one taking a victory lap!
- Dan starts panicking after Congressman Moyes realises that the data being passed to him by Dan and Amy to vote against the Families First Bill is the same data that Jonah and Richard passed to him to vote for the bill.Dan: What if he checks our cover story? Like, what if he informs Congress?Amy: Dan, he's a congressman. Congressmen never do anything they say they're gonna do.—Dan: Jesus, you know, I always thought the old Amy was kind of an uptight bitch, but now I sort of miss her.Amy: You know, if I was uptight, I'd be offended by that. In fact, I am offended. You shouldn't call people bitches. You shouldn't do that anymore. Unless it's like "biiiiiiiitch" or something like that.
- Sue informs Selina that Dan and Amy are in the hospital speaking with Congressman Pierce:Sue: All right, ma'am, I've just spoken to Amy. Her and Dan are with Pierce and his mom at the hospital. But there's been a holdup.Selina: Oh, God. She's probably gonna die just to spite me. That evil bitch.
- Dan and Amy having a showdown with Jonah in the hospital:Dan: You are not taking him.Jonah: His jittery ass is mine.Pierce: Guys, I'm right here.Jonah: I'm sorry, your jittery ass is the president's.
- Jonah's nicknames read by a member of the congressional committee set up to investigate Selina's administration:Ms. Bennett: Do you recall a document shared on the J-drive titled the Jonad Files?Dan: Uh, no. No, ma'am.Amy: No. That doesn't ring a bell.Ms. Bennett: So it's not a word combining Jonah and gonad?Dan: Not to my knowledge.Jonah: I can confirm that that is exactly what it is and Mr. Egan knows that.Mr. Rakes: In fact, Mr. Egan, I was told that you encouraged staffers to add to this glossary of abuse.Dan: I do not at this moment in time recall the action nor the document in question.Mr. Rakes: Okay, maybe this will jog your memory. We have some extracts. J-Rock, Jizzy Gillespie, Jack and the Giant Jackoff, Gaylien, Tinker Balls, Wadzilla, One Erection...Jonah: Do we have to go through all of these?Mr. Wallace: I'm not sure that I see the relevance.Mr. Rakes: The witnesses claim they held their former colleague in high regard and I am attempting to prove otherwise.Mr. Wallace: Okay, yeah, sure. No, you can proceed.Mr. Rakes: The Pointless Giant, The 60-Foot Virgin, Gimpanzee, Jonah Ono, Hagrid's Nutsack, Scrotum Pole, Transgenderformers, 12 Years a Slave to Jerking Off, Benedict Come In His Own Hand, Guyscraper, The Cloud Botherer, Supercalifragilisticexpiali Dick Cheese, Teenage Mutant Ninja Asshole, Spewbacca.
- Dan tries to cut a deal by detailing what really happened only to find out that all of this is already coming up in the committee.Questioner: Are you on a tape delay, Mr. Egan?
- The very idea of Dan attempting to present Gary as a wicked mastermind secretly manipulating things.
- Gary asked by the committee what his "duties" are and unable to answer.
- Tom James' description of Gary:Gary Walsh, you need to understand, is a 12-year-old boy trapped in the body of a 12-year-old girl.
- In Selina's deposition, when she is questioned about Gary's importance in his involvement in the whole affairSelina: Gary has a very limited set of skills. Mainly they involve picking objects up and putting them back down.
- After it looks like there's going to be a tie and Tom James can become president by virtue of a loophole (the 20th amendment), Selina's meltdown:Selina: I'll tell you what's unprecedented, Kent! A tie is unprecedented! So is becoming the first lady president! So is that jackoff becoming president through the back door! Okay? The rule book's been torn up now, and America is wiping its nasty ass with it!
- Selina's stress pimple.
- This exchange after Selina complains about the democratic process:Ben: Two great Greek contributions to society: democracy and getting fucked up the ass.Selina: I've tried both and they're way overrated, like jazz.
- Mike is showing Sue a picture of the baby he is adopting from China.Mike: Isn't she cute?Sue: Oh they all look alike to me.Mike: What?
- Selina meets Marjorie, who's told she's a "perfect match" from behind. Selina naturally takes exception as they look nothing alike. Cue Ben entering, seeing Marjorie from behind and addressing her as if Selina and Selina just gapes "seriously?!"
- After Amy calls Dan asking how he is:Dan: I'm great, I'm eating a delicious sandwich, made even more delicious because a homeless guy is watching me eat it.
- He then throws the half-eaten sandwich in the trash can right beside said homeless guy.
- Mike's on a cleanse:Mike: I'm on the master cleanse.Ben: That sounds like some sort of Nazi domestic policy.Kent: Little known fact about the Nazis: their polling numbers within Germany, through the roof. Unbelievable numbers, though also tragic.
- Bob Bradley, a legendary political strategist who hasn't been in the White House since the 80's, implies that Sue's been in the White House since the 80's, leading Kent, Mike and Ben to wonder just how old Sue really is.
- Selina and Charlie talking about divorce:Selina: Oh are you divorced?Charlie: Oh yeah, proudly.Selina: Yeah. Best thing me and my husband ever did. Including our daughter.
- "Catherine, out!"
- After Dan slept with Amy's sister because he thought she'll get a job for him at CBS, Amy explains to Dan that her sister doesn't work for CBS (the TV channel), but CVS (the pharmacy/mini-mart).Amy: You sold your dick for bulk iced tea and off-brand cough syrup. Don't worry. You're gonna look really cute in a blue vestnote .Dan: I'm not having a good year.
- When Selina needs someone to stall at the Supreme Court to get a recount, she calls one person: Karen.
- As Karen deplanes, the door leaves the slogan on the plane as "James for President."
- Karen's stalling tactic involves defining the word "vote."
- Catherine's ugly-crying after learning that her grandmother is about to die.Selina: Oh, wow, that is loud, honey.
Selina: Oh, honey, no, no, no, no. Mee-Maw didn't know you weren't here, honey. She's brain dead. Baby doll, she was brain dead.
- Catherine unfortunately misses when her grandmother passes because nobody noticed that she went out to get coffee. Selina attempts to comfort her:
- Later topped by Selina's ugly-crying.
- Richard chanting at a rally:Richard: What do we want? To get the votes counted. When do we want it? Uh, hopefully before the deadline.
- The entire prayer scene.Selina: Ease her passing. Ease it all.Ease it down the...
Selina: Please, this is so much to bear.Gary: Oh, it is, Lord.
- Selina actually saying "let her daughter, Thy humble servant, be the first woman elected President of the United States." Gary looks at her, then up and mouthing "so sorry."
- Selina finishes with "lift me up," Gary raising his hands skyward until Selina says she needs it as her heel is stuck.
- Selina displaying some extreme lack of self-awareness:Selina: Oh, Catherine, you have no idea what it was like to be the only daughter of a pathological narcissist. I mean, all this woman did was criticize me or ignore me.
- Selina greeting some well-wishers after her mother died:Selina: Oh, my goodness. I feel like a bride. A sad bride because, of course, this is a day of grief. Her brain was quite damaged for quite a long time. I love you. (laughs) There are so many friendly and diverse faces here. And I wish that Mother were alive to see this on her property.
- Upon the news that the recount is actually benefitting O'Brien:Selina: I don't give a fuck! You're gonna cancel this recount like Anne Frank's bat mitzvah.
- Ben informing Selina that the Qatari ambassador wants to speak with her:Ben: I've just been kibitzing with the Qatari ambassador, Mohammed bin Nasser bin Khalifa Al Jaffar.Selina: Please don't have him sign the guest book.Ben: Yeah, he comes bringing a message from China.Selina: Why would China go through Qatar?Ben: Qataris love to insert themselves. They're wet-fingered.Selina: They're into ass play?Ben: No, they have a gift for sensing prevailing political winds.Selina: I'll bet they're into ass play, too.
- Selina hears just before the eulogy that she's lost Nevada. She gets up and starts sobbing about "I have lost...it's not fair...it's just not fair." Naturally, everyone, including Catherine, is convinced she's affected by the loss of her mother and not her own political future and many cry with her.
- The final blow: Selina learns Catherine is inheriting the bulk of her mother's estate. And then, her ex-husband immediately goes to her, Selina realizing his talk of getting back together was just him out for the money.
- Tom James' words of comfort.Tom: I hated my father.Selina: Thank you, Tom.
- Everyone's reactions to how Sue is married.Sue: Last year, 250 guests, no one from work.
- Selina is having issues with Catherine getting the inheritance.Catherine: They're at the mansion...my mansion. That's so weird to hear out loud.Selina: Yeaaaaah, it is!
- Selina's eye procedure which has her eyes surrounded with bright red skin.Gary: It takes ten years off her eyes!Ben: I don't think they've left yet.
- Selina protests Gary around as he "doesn't have any academic qualifications to speak of."Gary: Well, I have a bachelor's degree in hotel management from Cornell University.Selina: No, you don't.
- Selina rolls her eyes...and moans in agony.
- Dan is getting James some coffee on a tray in a cup. He turns around to find Gary there with a tray containing a large coffee server. Gary leaves as it hits Dan he's become the "VP's Gary."
- The entire titular subplot, where Amy is assigned to find out which staffer called Selina the ultimate insult to a woman, hampered by how everyone did it (except Gary, who thinks everyone is so upset over him using the word "crone").
- Amy trades insults with Leon West when they meet in a grocery store:Leon: Huh, you eat. I suppose you need something to nervously shit out.Amy: Hello, Leon. It's always good to see the most left-swiped face on Tinder.Leon: Busy day. Three people fired from the communications office.Amy: High turnover department.Leon: Or is a panicky mass firing because someone called POTUS a cunt in Politico? Ah, I just blew the lid off of Cuntgate.Amy: It's not a gate.Leon: No, it's very much a gate.Amy: Untrue.Leon: You should watch out, Amy. You don't want to be the face of Cuntgate. Although you do have the perfect face for it.
- After ending a meeting with Tom and letting him walk away, everyone else doubles back into the conference room to discuss his recent suspicious activity. When that meeting breaks up, Mike doubles back again in order to make sure that the same trick isn't being pulled on him.
- And it gets better later on: there was another meeting about him, with the staff being Genre Savvy enough to wait a bit until he checked.
- Gary walks in on Selina and Tom having sex and backs out of the room and walks away whimpering to himself.
- Catherine's documentary later shows that he had the couch they had sex on moved out of the room.
- Jonah literally shooting himself in the foot on national television.
- How do the Chinese know that Selina lied about them hacking her Twitter account? They hacked her email account.
Kissing Your Sister
- When Selina brought her mother to the White House to show off being the President, her mother's only response was to comment that Selina — sporting her late Season 3 pixie cut — should wait until her hair grows back in before having her Presidential portrait done.
- Jonah profanely answers a phone call...and Uncle Jeff going off on him when it's revealed that he made that call in front of an elementary school classroom.
- The blooper reel from Jonah's campaign commercial showing Jonah epically failing at chopping wood, and Richard actually doing it right.
- The final reveal that Ben has been screwing with Kent by messing up the presentation of his bookshelf.
- As it turns out, Catherine was hiding in a closet while her mom and Tom had sex a few episodes prior, and was left even more traumatized by it than Gary.
- Jonah and Richard desperately running all over Capitol Hill to get Jonah to the House chambers in time for the vote as the various members of the Meyer team berate him by phone.Selina: Jonah, you are already dead! What you do now, you do for your family!
- Richard is showing Jonah his "brag wall" of photos of him with DC bigwigs:Jonah: Are there any pictures where the President isn't yelling at me?Richard: As far as I can tell, there's no such pictures in existence in the universe.
- Richard, trying to cheer up a drunk Selina, relates a story about his aunt who was like a mother to him, and his mother who was old enough to be his grandmother, and realizes mid-story that his aunt must in fact have been his actual mother."Okay, yeah, that makes sense. And everyone must have known except me."
- The next morning, a hungover Selina's main concern is whether she and Richard slept together.Selena: Oh, God, I hope I didn't fuck Richard.
- The next morning, a hungover Selina's main concern is whether she and Richard slept together.
- Congressman Furlong tells Jonah that his glasses make him look like "Clark Kent if they dug up Christopher Reeve to play the part."
- Furlong: Do you realize the whole goddamn Rayburn House office building can hear you and your twink army in here cock scraping each other's esophagi?
- Selina invites the Chinese President to watch the Senate vote, either on TV or by "one of the many bugs you've planted in the White House."
- The revelation that Sue is still working for President Montez.
- Then the Eagle passes by and tells Montez "Selina, good news! We found the missing Nevada votes, you won!" He walks on as Montez just gives him a baffled look.
- Ben showing no issues with his Uber bosses dropping about how it's okay to call something a "Chinese hustle" when he's "married to an Oriental woman."
- Meta humor: Uber fires Ben for his evident racism and it's shown as a great and proud moment. When the episode aired, Uber was in the middle of a massive scandal with several board members forced to resign.
- Selina constantly having to add "And AIDS" to her "Literacy Campaign" as she realizes it needs more punch.Margarey: We can't do anything about AIDS.Selina: Who are you, Ronald Reagan?
- Selina reacting to being offered half the amount of former President Hughes for a speech.Selina: I was the first female President of the United States and I will not work for less than eighty-seven cents on the dollar!
- Selina cutting off any talk of her at a mental institution with "at the spa" for a year.
- The reactions to Selina saying she's planning to run for President again are nothing less than sheer, unadulterated horror.
- Catherine literally breaks into tears just at the thought.
- Furlong and Will talking to Jonah.Furlong: You know what the chief agricultural product of my district in Ohio is? I'll give you a hint: looks like Will's wife's clit.
Furlong: No. Tell him, Will.
Will: Green beans.
Furlong: That's why I spent two monts jamming them into that school lunch bill, like what, Will?
Will: (deadpan) Like me jamming anonymous trucker cock at a public restroom well known for that purpose.
- Dan walking in on Jonah shaving his head and thinking he faked his testicular cancer.
- Selina demands her own library.Selina: Selina Meyer belongs in an institution!Gary: It was a spa.
- Furlong is in fine form ripping into Jonah as "Professor Ex-Gay-vier" and "GI Slow."
- Jonah's Oh, Crap! reaction to running into Selina, who blames him for her losing the election. Despite being twice her height, he's the one left cowering.
- Gary and Mike both trying the hide the fact that they accidentally voted illegally in the Georgia election.
- Selina: You both look like you fingered the Incredible Hulk.
- Jonah and Richard go to a heavy metal concert and are enjoying themselves... and then note that the band's name translates to "Panzer division". Then they look around and notice the racist flags on the wall and that they're the only people there who aren't skinheads, and quickly leave (but not before Jonah exchanges a high-five with another skinhead).
- At the end of the episode, Selina's surprised to find out that the Georgian officer who'd been acting as her tour guide has staged a Military Coup and is now head of Georgia.
- The doctor tells Selina she had a minor heart attack. Gary immediately faints dead away in the background. Selina, meanwhile, is overjoyed that it's not menopause.
- While Dan, Catherine and Marjorie are waiting at the doctor's:Dan: You know what I like about you two? It's not clear who's the top.Marjorie: I am.
- Dan's reaction to learning that his sperm has low mobility:Dan: So, I've been pulling out this entire time for nothing? Oh, I am gonna save a fortune in morning-after pills. There are, like, three girls that owe me an abortion refund.
- Gary on painkillers. All of it.
- Jonah has absolutely no idea how Daylight Saving Time works.Jonah: You spring backward!Ben: It's spring forward, you idiot!Jonah: Have you ever watched girl's gymnastics? That makes no sense.
- Dan's reaction to to the idea of him sleeping with his co-worker.Dan: I haven't slept with a woman over 30 since I was 14.
- The various poses visitors put Selina's wax statue in.
- Selina and Mike drunkenly taking out their frustrations by trashing her dead father's office, which culminates in her driving her car through the wall.
- Congressman Furlong's wife is, of all things, a straight-laced Christian woman who thinks that Gosh Dang It to Heck! words like "crud" is strong language, forcing her husband to acting almost sickeningly sweet whenever she's in the room. Jonah and the others are all quick to needle him in this rare opportunity.
Furlong: I would sooner gouge out your eye and fuck your skull [Mrs. Furlong enters the room] from here, to the end of time. That's what we're promised: that Jesus is our Lord.
- After Jonah uses this to ask Furlong for a new office, Furlong merely says that idea is "interesting" and offers him to go down into the wine cellar with him to pick out a new bottle. As soon as his wife leaves the room, Furlong proceeds to rip Jonah a new one. And it's actually kind of impressive how fast he imagines to switch from speaking entirely in expletive insults to speaking as if he's saying grace at the table.
- Kent translating that his date said the Furlongs should have added live snails while cooking their paella valenciana. While it may seem weird or gross, that's actually Truth in Television: you can use snails in the Valencian version of paella.
- Will and his wife struggling to have kids because she apparently has a "polyp festival of a uterus" (during Congressman Furlong's rant about why Jonah doesn't deserve a new office). Will's wife asks her husband how he could tell him such a private detail, to which he sheepishly says that he had to tell somebody. Jonah can also be heard asking "What's a polyp?"
- Jonah baffled at why women are always checking on each other whenever he's around.
- Jonah tries to bribe a Congressman via Dan.Jonah: I will give tickets to a Broadway show that's impossible to get tickets to: Spider-Man: Turn Off the Dark.
A Woman First
- Jonah mispronouncing "shiksa"note as "shiska" when hitting on the female doctor.
- Jonah's uncle Jeff breaking out in maniacal laughter when he overhears Shawnee dumping him.
- Prior to that, Uncle Jeff viciously insulting Shawnee until he learns that she's the daughter of Mr. Tanz.
- Shortly afterwards, Jonah attempts to masturbate (while fresh from his circumcision). It goes as well as you think.
- A flashback to Catherine's birth with Selina meeting Gary for the first time...when he had a full head of hair and in a nurse's uniform giving her a drink.
- Selina meets Monica again and asks "When did you come back into the picture?" Monica's baffled reaction (and Andrew's frantic head shake) make it clear Monica had absolutely no idea Andrew and Selina had been sleeping together back in the early part of the season.
- Selina's campaign gets off to exactly the kind of start we've come to expect — namely, a miscommunication leads to her plane landing at the wrong town (Cedar Falls instead of Cedar Rapids).
- Bill and Teddy are horrified to realize that Jonah's new wife is his one-time stepsister. Richard, by contrast, finds it hilarious (but only because he finds the number 11 funny).
- Jonah hating his stepfather because his stepfather was also his math teacher who flunked him despite having "dyslexia, but for numbers"note and forcing him to go on family trips to Hawaii.
- Jonah hiring Teddy because of his past work experience and because of Teddy's court-ordered chemical castration after being fired for sexually assaulting coworkers, and Jonah goading Teddy to try and grope him again, knowing he can't do anything about it.
- Later, the heavy implication that Teddy may not have gotten chemically castrated as he "accidentally" feels up Jonah when putting his mic on him for his CBS Morning Show interview.
- Upon being told by Marjorie that Catherine is suffering from postpartum depression:Selina: How can you tell?Gary: The hair.
- When the subject comes up again with the others, they all likewise admit they couldn't tell. In fact, Dan says he thought she was happy.
- Marjorie also mentions that as a result of the depression, her and Catherine's sex life has suffered. Selina and Gary can't get out of there fast enough.
- Gary suggests Selina announce her candidacy at the Statue of Liberty. "You love standing next to ugly women!"
- Selina questioning why Mike (who has snuck into a meeting) is only coming up with good ideas now that he's been fired.
- Gary getting locked out of his and Dan's hotel room while the latter is sleeping with a woman he picked up. Cut to the next morning, and he's sleeping on the floor in front of Selina's room.
- When finally making her campaign announcement, Selina steals a passionate working-class populist speech from the manager of the Susan B. Anthony museum, who was mad about her not paying rent on using his property for a speech years earlier. She even does a Brief Accent Imitation before she catches herself.
- Selina's reaction to finding out that Amy is pregnant with Dan's child.Selina: Dan fucked you? What were you wearing, a full length mirror?
- Selina stammering her way through a speech after Tom catches her off guard with a Love Confession.Kent: She's having a textbook aneurism.Gary: She looks like a goddess.
Gary: ...I think it's peppermint.
- Afterwards, Selina confronts Tom, who admits he had a heart attack which made him reconsider his life and realize he truly loves her. Selina then admits to her own heart attack in the previous season, and they have a rather touching conversation about the possibility of retiring to a married suburban life where they're always arguing over everyday life, and finally blow each other's brains out.
Selina: That was the most humiliating experience I've ever had, and I was Vice-President of the United States!
- Selina first confronting Tom after the speech gives us this gem:
- When Gary is revealed to have overheard the whole conversation, he tries to cheer Selina up by talking about a bath bomb at their hotel.
- Afterwards, Selina confronts Tom, who admits he had a heart attack which made him reconsider his life and realize he truly loves her. Selina then admits to her own heart attack in the previous season, and they have a rather touching conversation about the possibility of retiring to a married suburban life where they're always arguing over everyday life, and finally blow each other's brains out.
- The show finally parodies the #MeToo movement, as a woman (played by Heidi Gardner from Saturday Night Live) who once had a business lunch with Jonah comes forward to publicly admit that she never dated him, inspiring the #NotMe Movement, as dozens of women likewise come forward to say they've never dated Jonah, nor do they find him attractive enough to ever go out with him.
- Due to her pregnancy, Amy has been throwing up frequently. At one point during the campaign event, she comes out of a bathroom stall to find Gary standing and staring at her. She begins to try and explain herself, only to need to rush back in and find him gone when she emerges, just as suddenly as he appeared.
- After Amy goes on a brief "The Reason You Suck" Speech at some pro-life protesters outside an abortion clinic, she also takes the time to point out one of their signs is misspelled. Dan follows up by cheerfully asking everyone to vote for Selina.
- Teddy's attempts to teach Jonah to be politically correct backfires, as during a debate he's asked a question about Niger, misunderstands it as the N-word, and goes on quick rant about sending black soldiers there.
- Selina and Jonah's confusion when Richard casually admits to having been working on both their campaigns.
- Along with some Fridge Brilliance that to anyone looking from outside the story, he probably looks like a huge Magnificent Bastard right now, playing both major presidential candidates against each other while they didnt have a clue, and ultimately landing a cushy job as a mayor after hes tapped out everything they can do for him. All while hes really just a dimwitted lutz who genuinely just couldnt decide who he wanted to help.
- Jonah believes math "was invented by the Chinese to make smart Americans feel dumb."
- The return of Jeff.Jonah: When I'm President...Jeff: I'll jam my fist up my dick-hole and pull out a 40-piece set of Danish cutlery when you're President!
- As he leaves, Jonah's mom notes "I'll see you at church on Sunday."
- The Chinese President sends Selina a messsage that could be interpreted as offering to help her become president in exchange for -.
- Ben: Don't finish that sentence, Ma'm.
Kent: We can't have this discussion. We are still a nation of laws.
Ben: You can't trust the Chinese! I've married enough of them to know.Selina: Isn't your wife Korean?Ben: I think.
- The following conversation uses so many hypotheticals and double negatives that by the end of it, Ben is completely lost.
- Also, this bit when the Chinese first make their offer.
- After Selina and Tom James sleep together again, he's expected to drop out and endorse her. Instead, he refuses to endorse anybody.Selina: He just fucked me right in the ass!
Ben: He refused to endorse you?!
Selina: That too!
- Jonah declares that since math was created thousands of years ago by Islamists, then math teachers are terrorists and will ban "this Sharia math from our schools!"Teddy: That's it, I may be a registered sex offender but I'm out.
- Selina ends up in bed with Dan. And when he wants her to get the remote, she not only fires him but reminds him of the non-disclosure agreement if he breathes a word of this to anyone.
- Selina's team has been visiting so many states as part of the run-up to Super Tuesday that they've lost track of which one they're currently in.Selina: Before I go on stage, where are we right now?(everyone looks around in confusion)Leon: I wanna say the South?
- After Selina makes up a sob story about the help she gave to a Latina immigrant to get support from the community, it turns out that somehow there really is a person fitting her exact description, who was actually convinced of the story herself. And then the woman calls Selina President Montez, which no one even acknowledges.
- When Selina reveals that Keith is the Chinese mole, Ben and Kent both casually admit to thinking it was each other.
- Gary reveals that he spent millions that the campaign had set aside for a faith-based initiative, which Selina had just decided to instead use to buy off Andrew's silence, to buy Bibles for homeless people.
- Richard accidentally exposes numerous Iowa state legislators as corrupt, sending them all to prison.
- AND ends up becoming the new Lieutenant Governor of Iowa in the process.
- Both Amy and Furlong call Jonah "Congressman Slenderman". Furlong is quite disappointed to be beaten to the punch on it.
- Everyone's reaction to finding out that Jonah's stepfather is his biological father (according to the birth certificate he found and read live on the air), meaning that his stepsister is actually his half-sister, and their relationship really is incestuous.
- Richard's dumb luck-inspired rise to political power continues, as the Governor of Iowa is blinded by shingles, allowing Richard to take his place.
- Jonah's half-sister-cum-wife being whacked out on painkillers at her father's funeral.
- Selina is surprised to run into the former President of Georgia, who was deposed in a coup last season. He cheerfully explains that Russia freed him after invading the country. He then just as cheerfully offers to finance her campaign; when she points out that she can't accept foreign aid (even though she's counting on Chinese help) he switches gears and offers to buy her beach house, which is completely different.
Selina: Chivalry's not dead.Selina: ...That story does work better with a man.
- Later, he helps her escape from the Finnish embassy through underground tunnels. During this exchange, he mentions how he once used a similar situation to kill a political enemy. He then clarifies that it was a woman, but he tells people it was a man because of #MeToo, which leads to this as he's helping her through the tunnel:
Merman: My car will take you to the airport. The plane is waiting, ready to run out of gas and crash into the North Sea.Selina: What?!Merman: Just kidding!
- Also, when he's bidding her farewell:
- As Selina feels the nomination slipping away from her at the convention, she begins to act out more drasticallyGary: Can I get you six almonds?Selina: (screaming loudly enough to knock Gary off his chair) NO!!
- Selina gets a few good location insults:"I did not come all the way to North Carolina to lose! I don't even like to change planes here!""Assemblyman, I've been to Buffalo six times, and I'm not even a serial killer."
- Kent and Amy's horror at the idea of Jonah being Vice President.Kent: FUCK THE NUMBERS!!!
Selina: I mean, "restore faith in democracy"? We couldn't do that if we wanted to!
- When Jonah initially refuses to accept the VP slot, Selina and Uncle Jeff hit him with a hurricane of insults, until he's so overwhelmed that he says yes just so that they'll stop yelling at him.
- Marjorie is so shocked at Selina's choice that she actually gets visibly angry.
- Catherine is irate at Selina offering to ban gay marriage which Selina brushes off as just one of the many promises that'll never happen.
- Near the end of the episode, just before the Distant Finale, it's revealed that Sue still works at the White House. Her only scene is her refusing Jonah entry to the Oval Office, stating that he's scheduled to meet with Selina at "half past fuck o'clock".
- True to form right to the end, Selina's state funeral is overshadowed by Tom Hanks' death on the same day. Even Mike unhesitatingly pivots to reporting entirely about a retrospective on Hanks.
- In classic Mike form, he still looks to the wrong camera. And while the list of Hanks films he reads is accurate (except for Philadelphia 2), none of the clips from Hanks' career shown are from any of the films on it.
- Plus, the last thing the viewers at home see is her honor guard struggling to open the distinctly vagina-shaped tomb...until a female guard works the bottom of it and gets it open
- Furlong and Will are in the episode, so there's of course plenty of laughs from them:
Furlong: Shit, he ain't what he used to be.
- During an emergency meeting of the candidates, Furlong has Will do one of his self-insulting comments, which is so long that everyone clearly loses interest in it halfway through.
- A few minutes later, after a private talk with Selina, Furlong tries to prompt Will again, only to find that he's already left the room, to Furlong's disappointment.
- After Selina is nominated and is making her way to the stage to give her acceptance speech, Furlong follows her and is trying to remind her about the mess still surrounding the Meyer Fund. Unprompted, Will provides another self-insult, only for Furlong to tell him that now's not the time.
- In the Distant Finale, they're both at Selina's funeral, and the younger Will has somehow managed to age worse than Furlong, being confined to a wheelchair and so senile that his reaction to a prompt is to merely say "I like jizz".
- After Ben has his heart attack:Ben: Don't tell my wife and kids... I could use the break.Selina: That won't be a problem. I've never met them.
- Selina's first choice for a running mate is a Governor who happens to be a handicapped war vet. Cue Running Gag of him being extremely slow to move around, much to the annoyance and awkwardness of Selina and the others.
- After Leon starts working for Kemi and helps her undercut Selina, Selina once again questions why people only start getting smart after she fires them.