- Issue #8 when Peter first goes to the Bugle, and he calls May to ask if he can take the job offered. May asks to speak to Jameson. What follows is a a page's-worth of an annoyed Jonah mostly saying "Uh-huh," though in the middle of it he looks at the receiver in shock. After hanging up, he whispers to Peter, "You ever do that to me again and I'll toss you out a window."
- After a knock-down, drag-out fight with Doc Ock, Peter attempts to rescue Hammer's assistant from their wrecked car...only for Kraven to show up demanding a fight. Peter has zero interest in this, and responds to Kraven's first few swings with confusion and disbelief. Eventually, his patience runs out and he just one-shots the guy.Spidey: Huh. I thought he had super-powers or something. Showbiz phoney.
- During the Venom arc, Peter saves a pop-star from a group of kidnappers... than webs her mouth shut because she won't stop screaming and he's got a headache.
- In that same issue, one of the kidnappers gets angry with the pop-star's manager (the person they're negotiating a ransom with) because the guy apparently doesn't know what the word "posthumous" means.
- At the end of the second story arc, Peter decides to invite Mary Jane over to his house and tell her his secret - that he's Spider-Man. And he does. MJ's response? Stunned silence...followed by laughing her ass off, even to the point of falling off the bed from laughing too hard!◊
- At one point, Gwen decides to cheer Peter up by dragging him to a house party. Inevitably, the cops show up and everybody starts to run. After vaulting up a fence, she turns and offers a hand to Peter, with some encouragement about how he can climb it. What makes it is the look he gives her in return is a mix of dry amusement and annoyance.
- Jean Grey thanks Spidey for not thinking of her naked. She just had to say it◊ and make him picture it◊.
- Also an Overly-Long Gag: it carries on for another several panels after that.
- The look on Jean's face throughout it all is what makes it. She goes from saddened when he does it, to angered, to bemused, to exasperated, to amazement at how long he keeps going.
- After Wolverine and Peter switch bodies, Wolverine casually refers to Aunt May as "the old lady" to Peter. Her reaction is what sells it.
Peter: God! You know why people hate you? It's not because you're mutants!! It's because you're all a bunch of @#$@#$ $@$%@ ##@$!! That's why!! You $^$%^ $%^$ $^$%^ $%#^% #$ $% ^#$%^ $%%^!!! AAAGGHHH! [swings off]
- But one of the best moments in the whole series is once it's undone and it turns out to be all because Jean put Logan's mind "where it least wanted to be" after he got on her nerves once too often, and apparently, high school was it. After the dust clears:
Colossus: Why am I an #$@#$@? I was just standing here.
- During Ultimatum, when Peter and the Hulk find Nightmare in the wreckage of Doctor Strange's house.Peter: (whispered) Hulk? Smash that.Hulk: (also whispering) Don't tell Hulk what to do.Peter: The one time I need you to do something, and you give me lip?
- Ultimate Spider-Man Vol.2 #9; Peter's girlfriend and exes◊ conspire to give him a haircut. Oh, and Johnny makes out with Peter's genderswapped clone!
- It's the following entire page of freaked-out, disgusted mental screaming that makes the second one.
- There's also the build up to the reveal where Peter rather quickly comes up with three attractive women he knows as Spider-Man, much to Gwen's irritation.
- Spider-Man, having just taken out Electro and the Enforcers, is confronted by Kingpin. When asked why he is going after Kingpin, Spider-Man responds that this is an important question, and he wrote down his answer because he wants to get it right. Spidey pulls out and unfolds a sheet of paper... and proceeds to read off a list of "you are so fat" jokes that send Kingpin into a rage.
Your belly button makes an echo. If you were a truck you would have a wide load sign. When you back up we can hear a beeping noise.
- Too funny◊ to describe.◊
- The most hilarious part? His shirt collar pops when he lets out an angry roar.
- Kingpin shows his Genre Savvy after Spidey pulls one too many Super Window Jumps into his office, having installed very un-Soft Glass◊. Just look at his smug face in the last panel.
- Really, a lot of his interactions with the Kingpin◊, which often consist of Parker Trolling the hell out of him. Like on one occasion he meets him at a restaurant, exchanges some banter and then swings off... at which point Kingpin realizes that Spidey webbed his feet to the floor while they were talking.◊
- And it isn't the first time he's pulled that. Early in the series, Spidey has a chance to confront J. Jonah Jameson, who's been smearing him in the Daily Bugle, on the street. Spidey pulls in close and JJ thinks he's about to get pummeled before Spidey swings away going "Love the paper! It's HILARIOUS!" JJ sighs a bit of relief and turns to walk back inside only to pull a Face Fault onto the concrete because Spidey quietly webbed his feet to the ground. Apparently Spidey's M.O. against people that irk him is to web their feet to the floor.
- Black Cat throwing up on Spider-Man◊ after realizing that he's way younger than her.◊ What adds to this is how right before this, she was flirting heavily with him, saying she was going to take off his mask and kiss him. Once she unmasks him, Peter puckers up and leans in for the kiss, completely unaware of how she is now horrified and disgusted.
- When Spider-Man pulls off not one but two Dynamic Entries in the space of a single fight scene:Spider-Man: Hey!! Did I leave my purse??
- After the X-Men take a kid named Geldoff and Spider-Man to the X-Mansion, Professor Xavier basically says he will keep the kid in his custody and present him in front of the UN as an example of illegal, immoral genetic tampering (the kid was a non-mutant that was injected with the X-factor gene in the womb). Spider-Man's response to this is to rush out of the mansion with Geldoff and beat up everyone in his path; as soon as he gets outside the mansion, Xavier appears standing in front of a tree and says "Peter, what good would that do?". Spider-Man responds, "it was just a thought.".
- That same issue also gave us the X-Men learning Spider-Man's name.[Spidey wakes up in the X-Men's mansion]
Spider-Man: You took off my mask?!!
Beast: We wanted to make sure you were still breathing.
Spider-Man: Man! I am trying to keep a secret identity here!! No one respects my secret identity!! No one!! One secret! That's all I want. I want to put on the mask and keep it on!! And every time I turn around someone somewhere finds out I'm Peter Parker!
[The X-Men snigger]
Shadowcat: We, uh, we didn't know your name.
[Peter buries his head in his hands]
- On the subject of X-Men and his secret identity, Iceman visits his school and we get this:Iceman: Hey, don't I know you?
Peter: No, you don't.
Iceman: Yeah I do, you're—
Peter: [meaningful glare] We've never met.
- From Annual 1, the scene where Kitty & Peter deal with the Shocker[Kitty has phased through Shocker's weapons, breaking them]
Kitty Pryde: Whatever you do... Don't look behind you.
[Spider-Man is on the wall behind the Shocker]
Spider-Man: Hi, Herman.
[Shocker flees, and runs straight into a web]
- J. Jonah Jameson blaming Ben Urich for readership of every newspaper in America being down.
- The entire exchange with the Fantastic Four discussing Reed making water from his urine (inspired by Waterworld, no less), and then giving it to Johnny to drink. All Ben is concerned with is how many times Reed has actually seen the film, whilst Sue has to remind him that giving people urine to drink, refined into water or not, is not something you do.
- This little exchange once Johnny Storm decides he's going to be living with Peter.Johnny: I'm going to do the whole "you" thing.
Peter: You're going to wallow in self-loathing?
- Ultimate Spidey has trouble keeping his costume repaired during a period when he's broken up with MJ and has to go out wearing just his mask and homemade outfit of street clothes. Unfortunately they don't impress the street thugs very much, but at least he still has his mouth:Thug One: What are you supposed to be?
Thug One: The hell is this?
Spider-Man: I'm Spider-Man. Read a paper.
Thug One: Where's your costume? [referencing how he only has a mask on, the rest of the suit having been destroyed the previous issue]
Spider-Man: Your mom's washing it for me.
- Peter is standing in a lift next to Elektra and can't stop staring at her but glances away every time she looks at him.Spider-Man: What was your name again?
Elektra: Stop staring at them.
Spider-Man: What? No. What? I was—
Elektra: [smirks, gives an aside glance]
- Later in that arc Spider-Man calls Dewolfe and the cops to Hammerhead's hideout using a cellphone he stole from one of the Enforcers. He than webs Hammerhead's mouth when Hammerhead won't stop shouting and gets into a lengthy conversation with the 911 operator because she's a fan.
- When Spider-Man has his first meeting with the other Knights he cracks a joke, commenting "Put the moon toys away, Casper, I'm just here for the chicken wings". Moon Knight states, completely straight-faced, "There- there are no chicken wings.". Spider-Man finds this reaction hilarious.
- Mysterio describes Kingpin's death as "A fat man fell and broke his everything".
- After Miles, with no costume or mask, saves two people and a puppy from a fire, two firefighters approch him for a moment before Miles flees. One of the firefighters, who is African-American, smiles and simply tells this to his partner:Firefighter: Told you Spider-Man was black.
- The second Spider-Man's first encounter with Spider-Woman. Poor Miles gets his entire body tied up in web, and tries to hop away to "call the police", only to trip and knock himself out on a satellite dish. It really demonstrates how young and unprepared he is.Spider-Woman: "Going to the police"... What a dork.
- Miles is proving to be quite the smart-ass, much like Peter.Captain Quaid: What's your name?
Miles Morales/Spider-Man 2: Uh, Spider-Man?
Captain Quaid: Spider-Man's dead. Who are you?
Miles: Uh, can I be Thor then?
- Also, Miles claiming he's 30 years old when questioned, and Quaid ordering him back home since it's a school night.
- Any time Miles uses his venom strike, since he does it by poking two fingers into his opponent, usually during a heated punch-up.
- Ganke's epic lying skills:Miles: I need you to cover for me.
Ganke: What if they see you?
Miles: Puh-leeze. [leaves]
Judge (their roommate): Where'd Miles go?
Ganke: Miles who?
- This little gem from Miles' fight with Batroc the Leaper:Batroc: You are beneath me child. You cannot offend me.
Miles: Actually you're kind of offending me. The Spider-Man before me got the Green Goblin and Doctor Octopus. And I get Batroc The Leaper.
Batroc: [after one of his henchmen nearly shoots him while trying to hit Miles, who's on Batroc's back] Moron!! Do you plan on getting paid?? Then stop shooting at me!!
- Or this moment of Casual Danger Dialogue from the same fight:
Miles: Where do you get these guys?
Batroc: You would not believe what I turned away.
- In his first battle with Venom, Miles has to protect his dad from the symbiote. In order for him to prevent his dad from recognizing his own son's voice, Miles sports a fake British accent to throw him off. It is pretty hilarious as well as pretty clever.
- Apparently many people think Miles and Ganke have something going on. This includes: Miles' father, mother (according to his dad), and his current girlfriend, Katie.
- From Ultimate Spider-Man #200, this little Seinfeldian Conversation between Miles and Ganke as they step off the bus:Ganke: We had to take the bus.
Ganke: I almost got peed on.
Miles: We're here, Ganke, stop whining.
Ganke: We could have webbed here in five minutes.
Miles: That's not what the webs are for. They're expensive and they're for, you know...
Ganke: If you were the captain of the Enterprise you wouldn't let anyone use the transporter.
Miles: Well, I don't think those things are safe at all.
- Miles' reaction to seeing Peter Parker back from the dead.
Norman: Are you here to devote yourself to me or him?Miles: What?!Norman: I helped birth you into this world!Miles: Daddy?Norman: Ah, a smart mouth. Say no more. You are a disciple of Peter Parker.
- Miles' initial interaction with Norman Osborn was also pretty hilarious:
- Peter's first interaction with Norman after being brought back from the dead.
- The random crazy people that occasionally show up in the background in scenes taking place in the police station. Most of them are weirdos dressed as mainstream Marvel characters screaming madly about a current or recent Crisis Crossover.
- Spider-Verse has a scene where Miles and the Ultimate Spider-Man (2012) cartoon Spidey are being chased by the police. While driving in a sentient Spider-Mobile. With Spider-Man (1967) cartoon Spidey, the Mini Marvels Spidey and an unidentified Spidey hanging on for dear life with a cowboy Spidey riding a wall-crawling horse beside them. Miles declares that this is the point where his life jumped the shark.
- In issue 106, Thunderball of the Wrecking Crew tries to hit on Mary Jane.Thunderball: Hey babe.
Mary Jane: I'm 15.
[awkward Thunderball pulls away, but whistles at her beauty]
- Aunt May cussing at J. Jonah Jameson over the phone for firing Peter in issue 48.
- During one of his fights with Mysterio, Spidey refers to the villain as a "disposable women's hygiene product", essentially calling him a "douche" without even saying it.
- Early on, in the second Goblin arc, Nick Fury explains to Peter that at the moment SHIELD cannot move against Norman Osborn, who burned his wife alive and attacked Peter's school, and has threatened to kill Peter's loved ones because, to quote Nick "turning yourself into a monster is not illegal unless it infringes upon the rights of another. (But we're working on that.)"
- In Cloak and Dagger's first full issue appearance in the Ultimate Universe, we get this exchange:Dagger: You're under arrest, Bombshell!
Cloak: You can't arrest her, Dagger.
Dagger: You know what I mean.
Cloak: But you can't arrest...
Dagger: She's the bad guy.
Cloak: We're not cops.
- Bombshell's reply is priceless.Bombshell: What the swear word is with you two?
Funny / Ultimate Spider-Man