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Funny / Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps

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  • Gaz's striptease for Jonny. The latter's face is priceless.
  • "Women don't cheat on me. I'm just so pretty."
  • "We got our women pregnant at the same time! We've got telepathic testicles!"
  • Jonny deciding he wants to name his first daughter Ferrari Sabrina Britney.
  • Jonny's drunken speech at the end of "Ugly Babies", after having seemingly accepted that Janet might be pregnant:
    Jonny: (dramatically) My daughter will want for nothing. She'll have dollies-a-plenty. And bears but no clowns, they scare me. And on a perfect summer's eve, when the sun dances like... Michael Flatley... after our dinner of spaghetti hoops, we shall run like Billy-ho himself, down to a sea so calm it would make Des Lynam look like a big, scary wolfman. She will be the most cherished little girl in the whole world. My little Ferrari.
    • And then it's wonderfully subverted:
    Janet: ...Jonny, I'm not pregnant.
    Jonny: (relieved) Oh, thank fuck for that!
  • Flo's obsession with the word "valve".
  • Munch. "Hiyaaaaaaaa!"
  • Louise gets a card from a secret admirer, and she sniffs it in an attempt to get a clue as to who sent it.
    Louise: (thoughtfully) Hmmmmm... Who do I know who smells of paper?
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  • "...It's barrel wash, Gaz."
  • Pretty much the entirety of "When Janet Met Jonny". Especially "The Biscuit Rap".
    • Then there's this squick-worthy line (from an earlier song) courtesy of Jonny:
    Jonny: I've no need for a woman, when I’ve got my left hand/Just a handy tub of Vaseline and a picture of my gran.
  • Following Gaz and Donna's (first) break-up due to the former sleeping with Janet, the two of them have to pose as Jonny and Janet so the latter couple can get married (It Makes Sense in Context). Cue Donna-as-Janet's original wedding vow to Gaz-as-Jonny:
    Donna: (completely deadpan and straight-faced) My darling husband-to-be. Ever since you shagged my best friend and got her up the duff, I can think of no better way I'd rather spend my life than with a bastard like you.
    (Cue the registar looking on in disbelief)
  • Janet: (in labour) How the hell does a baby's head come out of something so small?!
    Jonny: Small? You think a lot of yourself.
  • Louise: You must know all about prostitution, Donna, what with your mum being a whore.
    Donna: My mum wasn't a whore! She just had sex with men... for... money...
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  • Louise's recorded lines in "When Jonny Met Sharky", as recorded by Arthur using a Badass Baritone with No Indoor Voice (and plenty of dramatic pauses).
    I am the god... of HELLFIRE.
    I have often had a can of Dr. Pepper... removed from my anus.
  • Gaz's naked balloon dance. That is all.
  • "I heard the sound of tumbling biscuits!"
  • The song Gaz sings every night before he sleeps so not to dream about sheep. "Bringing in the sheep, bringing in the sheep. What do we do before we sleep? We bring in all the sheep."
  • "I'm a bastion of knowledge. Look at me bastioning." (followed by pricless "clenched fists" gesture)
  • When Janet gives up smoking, and Jonny complains to Gaz about it, Gaz compares it to Jonny's obsession with desiccated coconut. Jonny immediately shouts "have you got any?!?!"

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