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    Season 1 
  • In the first episode, shortly after Tara is hired at Merlotte's as a bartender, she and Lafayette bicker at each other in front of what must be the world's most uncomfortable redneck.
  • Everything about Jessica's reaction to being turned vampire.
    • Her reaction to being told she can't go home again:
    Jessica: No more mama and daddy? No more little sister?
    Bill: I'm sorry. No.
    Jessica: No more belts. No more clarinets! No more...home school! No more rules! [throws up her hands and screams with joy] I'm a vampire! Wow!
    • "You suck. (laughs) That's funny, because you do suck."
    • "Crap, crap, crap, damn, oh what's another bad word.. fuck! Fuck! That's a bad word. Fuck fuck fuck fuck!"
    • After Bill asks what she thinks being a vampire means: "It means that I don't have to sit like a lady. And I can kill anybody I want. And there's an awful lot of people I'd like to kill!" When Bill tells her she can't just kill anyone, she pouts like she's a kid who didn't get the toy she wanted for Christmas.
    • "You won't let me do anything and I'm so hungry! YOU ARE THE WORST. MAKER. EVER!!"
  • Pretty much anything with Jessica.
  • Lafayette's creative way of confronting the homophobic rednecks. Also it was awesome.
    Lafayette: "Faggots been breedin' your cows, raisin' your chickens, and even brewin' your beer long before I walked my sexy ass up in this motherfucker. [...] Tip yo' waitress."
  • Arlene: "I'm sorry you fell in love with a serial killer, alright? But honestly, who here hasn't?"
  • The episode "Cold Ground" is actually full of unintentional humor without crossing into Narm. Such as the way Sookie screams at Maxine Fortenbery when she tries to take one of her grandmother's pies out of the fridge. Also she randomly shouts "shut the fuck up!" at the entire funeral congregation during her speech when she hears their thoughts.
  • From season 1, Lafayette and Terry are watching a congressional candidate on TV at the bar:
    Terry: I can't listen to politicians no more, it gives me a seizure. Can we put it on my home decor program now?
  • In the second episode, Jason is under arrest for the murder of a woman he was videotaped having rough sex with. It doesn't help his case that the video records him evidently choking her to death, freaking out at what he has just done, and fleeing the scene. It does help his case somewhat when the woman he supposedly just murdered comes to and starts laughing hysterically at his reaction to her prank. Of course, she was still murdered some time after turning off the tape recorder. The cops' theory? Jason came back and killed her off for real. His iron-clad defense?
    • And the next time you see him, he's a free man.
  • Jason Stackhouse is a walking, talking Crowning Moment of Funny all by himself. That scene in the third episode where he gets thrown out of his girlfriend's house after sex at gunpoint, trying desperately to put on his jeans while she tells him just what she thinks about his inability to sustain a hard-on. The second she slams the door, he yells, "I can get it up! Bitch!" only for an elderly neighbor to come out of her house and see him, half-naked and shouting for the whole of Bon Temps to hear about how his erection died on him. His response? "Your neighbor's a crazy bitch!"
    • And also:
    Jason: I have gout... of the dick!
  • After Longshadow is staked, Ginger stops screaming long enough to throw up, while Eric and Pam just stand there stoic as ever.
    Eric: Humans. Honestly, Bill, I don't know what you see in them.
  • Just the situational comedy of vampires being modern is pretty good—like Bill and Longshadow's replacement comparing their Wii Golf scores, or something like this.
    Eric: I texted you three times. Why didn't you respond?
    Bill: I hate using the number keys to type.
  • In "Cold Ground" a woman is on the phone with Adele, castigating her for inviting Bill to talk at the church:
    Woman: You will go to Hell for this!
    Adele: Alright, same to you! Bye-bye!
    Season 2 
  • Bill lays down ground rules for Jessica:
    Bill Compton: Your bedtime will be at 4:00 am and not a minute later.
    Jessica Hamby: Whatever...
    Bill Compton: And whilst you're under my roof, hunting is completely forbidden...
    Jessica Hamby: Like I'd know where to find people in this bumfuck town. Are we even in a town?
    Bill Compton: We also recycle in this house. [places a recycling bin and small garbage can in front of Jessica] Tru Blood and other glass items go in the blue container. And paper products go in the white container.
    [Bill's cell phone rings]
    Jessica Hamby: Oooh! Can I have one of those?
    Bill Compton: No!
  • Jessica when Bill tells her that Sookie's coming over:
    Bill: Jessica, I'm gonna have a guest coming over shortly.
    Jessica: Can we eat her?
    Bill: You may not!
    Jessica: Well who is she? Is she your girlfriend?
    Bill: Yes.
    Jessica: Is she a vampire?
    Bill: No.
    Jessica: Oh....! Well do I have to be nice to her?
    Bill: I need you to go upstairs and get cleaned up, remove your make-up, and make yourself presentable. I will not have you looking like a slattern.
    Jessica: A what?
    Jessica: [grins] AWESOME!
    Sookie: How old are you?
    Jessica: 17.
    Sookie: Oh my god, where are your parents?
    Jessica: [to Bill] Is she always like this?
    Sookie: So what then, you bit her?
    Bill: Yes.
    Sookie: You drained her?
    Bill: Yes.
    Sookie: Did you have sex with her?
    Bill and Jessica: No!
    Jessica: Eww, old!
    Bill: Jessica was brought to me as a condition of my punishment. I had to create a vampire as reparation for the one I destroyed to save you.
    Jessica: [giving an accusatory look at Sookie] So this is all your fault...
    Bill: [sensing a potential fight brewing] Jessica, I need you to retire for the morning. My sleeping quarters are beneath the stairs. And you may stay there until we make other arrangements.
    Jessica: But I'm not tired-
    Bill: Go!
    Jessica: Compared to Fangtasia, this blows! [folds her arms across her chest and pouts]
  • Eric, on children:
    "Now come on Pam, they are funny. They're like humans, but miniature. Teacup humans."
  • Sophie-Anne's got a suggestion for Bill regarding his conflict with Eric.
    "All this alpha-male posturing. Why don't the two of you just fuck each other and get it over with...? I could watch."
    • She does it earlier in the episode as well, when a fangbanger who obviously doesn't speak English as a first language offers to "have a sex" with Bill, she states that "she loves watching two men together".
  • Sophie-Anne basically blackmails Bill into wearing swimming trunks and playing Yahtzee in her dayroom.
  • Jessica has some physical comedy early on in season 2 when she has trouble getting out of the coffins she and Bill were transported in to get to Dallas.
    Jessica: (trying to get out of a traveling coffin) Hey, how the hell does this thing open?? Somebody get me out of it! HELP!
    • It should be mentioned that while saying this, she accidentally shifts too much and pushes the coffin off the ledge it was on. Bill, in the midst of interrogating Leon, gives an epic look of "Oh, great, this too?"
  • After getting a crash course in glamoring, Jessica decides to use this ability to glamor Leon into saying outrageous things at the top of his lungs, much to Bill's displeasure. The crowning moment:
    Leon: Becky Eubanks is a stuck up whore who let Jace finger her in the church!!!
  • Bill lectures Jessica about feeding on a donor:
    Jessica: All I did was order him off the menu! You didn't say not to order off the menu!
    Bill: I would no more allow you to feed on that young man than to watch pornography on television!
    Jessica: Porno? [Sookie comes in]
    Bill: Jessica-
  • Eric convincing Sookie to suck silver shards out of his chest and neck just to fuck with everyone.
    Eric: No time. You have to do it.
    Sookie: But I can't! It's gross, and it's you.
    Eric: (groans dramatically) I'm dying... (groans again)
    • Especially the silly grin on his face as she does it.
    Sookie: realizing what he did "You A-hole!"
    Eric: "Wow, Bill, you're right. I believe I can sense her emotions."
    • And afterwards when she is talking to Bill about it.
    Sookie: I sucked his chest! What is wrong with me?!
  • Eric, after getting blood on his hair after gruesomely dismembering Royce. Hair that was in the process of being highlighted.
    Eric: Is there blood in my hair?
    Lafayette: Yeah, there's a little bit in there.
    Eric: Oh. That's bad. Pam is going to kill me."
  • Everything about Maryann's Dionysian wedding.
    Lafayette: "The God with Horns! WORSHIP HIM, BITCHES!"
    • Or:
    Sookie: "Okay, what is the deal with the egg? Did you lay it?"
    Maryann: "You're the maid of honor, you have to lick the egg."
  • The scene where Jason, Sam and Andy fool the brainwashed crowd into believing the ritual has worked. It involves Jason wearing a gas mask and holding flares and a pair of tree branches (for horns), while being backlit by Andy with a floodlight.
    Sam: "Smite me, motherfucker!"
    Terry Bellefleur: "Bullshit! God has horns."
    • "You will all have.. great weather!! And.. good crops!!"
  • Sookie and Bill:
    Sookie: I think, deep down, you don't really like vampires, even though you are one.
    Bill: So?
    Sookie: Well, hating yourself is not a good thing.
    Bill: I'm a vampire. I'm supposed to be tormented.
  • Lorena gets her moment in "Timebomb":
    Lorena [to Sookie]: Did you know your boyfriend hit me over the head with a 52 inch plasma television earlier tonight? Everyone says they're so thin and light, but let me tell you, when wielded properly, they're quite a weapon.
  • This exchange between Sookie and Eric:
    Sookie: He's your maker, isn't he?
    Eric: Don't use words you don't understand.
    Sookie: You have a lot of love for him.
    Eric: [beat] Don't use words I don't understand.
  • Godric addressing the Fellowship when all hell is breaking loose:
    Godric: I am actually older than your Jesus. I wish I could have met him... But I missed it.
  • The conversation between Steve and Jason.
    Steve: I know who you are and who you work for.
    Jason: ..the road crew?
  • Jessica's impression of Bill to Sookie:
    Jessica: All he told me was, "Jessica, I have errands to run. Errands which do not require your presence. So remain heah, and do your best to stay out of trouble while I'm gone."
  • Bill is furious at discovering Jessica and Hoyt making out on the couch together.
    Bill: Are you gonna leave or am I going to have to throw you out? Through a window. THAT IS CLOSED!
    Sookie: Bill, that is just *rude*.
    Bill: Sookie, I got this!
    • Jessica's excuse for breaking their established ground rules of "no hunting" is that she's never so much as kissed a boy in her life prior to meeting Hoyt.
    Jessica: Now is it my fault my fangs come out when I get turned on?
    [Bill just gives her the silent treatment. After a few seconds, Jessica covers her mouth in embarrassment, giggles, and scampers upstairs to her bedroom]
    Sookie: I think I'm gonna like her.
    Bill: Sookie, do not make the mistake of thinking you two can be girlfriends.
  • Lafayette has a vision of Eric in his mother's dress trying to shoot him with a rifle.
    Season 3 
  • Jason's got at least one CMOF for every (frequent) occasion he forgets to turn his brain on. After deciding to be a cop, Hoyt is quizzing him on what he needs to know for the written test, at one point asking Jason what the legal blood alcohol limit for driving is in the state of Louisiana.
    "Um... when you’re drunk?"
  • Sookie's Lampshade Hanging of Bill's pronunciation of her name in the second episode of season three.
    "Every sound I hear, every time the phone rings, every shadow, I think it's Bill. I keep expecting him to come through the door and say... Sookeh!"
  • Talbot insulting werewolves.
    Talbot: "Please, they're all dumber than a box of rocks."
    Werewolf: "That's unfair!"
    Talbot: "To boxes maybe. (Pause) Or rocks."
  • Russell and Talbot serve Bill a full-course dinner made entirely of blood.
    Talbot: "Blood gelato?"
    • Talbot describes the blood as being "cruelty-free," and the citrus-flavored, carbonated blood as being given by a donor who "ate nothing but tangerines for weeks."
  • Stick Jason behind a desk, and watch the hilarity ensue.
  • Franklin demonstrating his super-texting power. "You weren't looking!"
    • Almost ANYTHING Franklin does. Who can forget this little gem?
    Tara: "We need to talk."
  • Sookie wakes up from her coma as Bill watches...and the show's standard tender romantic music is interrupted by her screaming her head off at seeing him.
    • Jason's concerned reaction to this.
    Jason: Are you brain damaged?
  • During their fight training, Bill informing Jessica he broke up with Sookie.
    Jessica: (shocked and concerned) No way!
    Bill: (serious and deadpanned) Way.
  • Arlene accidentally cuts herself while cutting vegetables and Jessica can't control her... instincts.
  • Bill and Sookie getting rid of a dead werewolf in the living room after their make-up sex.
    Bill Compton: Yes, I suppose I should have mentioned that.
    • And Sookie's resigned attitude to his disposal.
  • Russell Edgington bursts into a newsroom and rips out the reporter's spine on live television, then delivers an evil spiel about how superior vampires are. As threatening as it is, hilarity comes from Russell's polite manner and his complete disregard for the newsreader's corpse, to the point that about halfway through, he absentmindedly notices he's still holding the man's spine.
    Russell: [menacingly] We will eat you. After we eat your children. [pleasantly] And now time for the weather! Tiffany?
  • Sookie's reaction to finding out what she really is: "How fucking lame!"
  • Pam's way of asking for a private chat with Eric: "Blah Blah Vampire Emergency Blah."
  • After Hoyt's intervention, the therapist tries to do a group hug and Hoyt's mom flings him off by lazily lifting her arm.
  • This exchange:
    Jason: So werewolves are real?
    Sookie: Yes.
    Jason: How about Bigfoot, is he real?
    Sookie: I don't know, I suppose it's possible.
    Jason: (gasps with delight) Santa?
  • In the final episode of Season 3, Eric gets one last deadpan snark, coupled with Mood Whiplash, since Bill recently buried him in concrete and is completely heartbroken at the time after Sookie dumped him.
    Eric: I want my phone back.
  • Andy: "Conscience off, dick on!"
  • Pam's Willy Wonka-esque attempt to prevent Sookie from forcing her way down to see Eric.
    Pam (deadpan): "No, Sookie, don't, come back."
  • Erotic Dream hilarity, courtesy of Bill.
    "I hear the water in Arkansas is very... hard."
  • Jessica's amusement over the existence of "Nazi werewolves".
  • The scene in which Pam orders Lafayette to sell the remnants of V in a single night.
    Pam: "Is there a problem?"
    Lafayette: "Nah, hooker. Look, I can't sell all this shit by tomorrow, I got a cousin in trouble, she..."
    Pam: (shoving Lafayette against the wall) "I don't know what it is about me that makes people think I want to hear their problems. Maybe I smile too much. Maybe I wear too much pink. But please remember I can rip your throat out if I need to. And also know that I am not a hooker. That was a long, long time ago.
    Lafayette: "...a'ight."
    Pam: "You pickin' up what I'm puttin down?"
    Lafayette: "I is."
    Season 4 
  • Pam in Season 4
    "...let these good people practice their constitutional right to be fucking idiots..."
    "I know, I know. It's hard for me, too. Technology has taken all the fun out of being a vampire..."
    "I'll give you 24 hours to deliver that witch to me. And if you don't, I will personally eat, fuck, and kill all three of you."
    • Not to mention Pam's hilariously dry delivery of the Fangtasia commercial, in which she says "The blood is warm, and so is the service" with the perfect level of deadpan and bored indifference.
  • An amnesiac Eric calling Sookie "Snooki."
  • Sookie's indignant delivery of the line "You killed my fairy godmother!" and Eric's apologetic smile.
  • Eric: "Ya'll are lookin' for a dead body?"
  • Eric drunk on fairy blood. "Did you just pinch my ass?"
  • "Stop saying 'fuck,' I can't concentrate!"
  • Reverend Daniels and Lettie Mae's "exorcism" of Terry and Arlene's house. Complete with Arlene being dumb enough to call them "you people."
    Arlene: Smells a little like pot.
    Terry: Not really.
  • Portia's measured, well-researched argument about why sleeping with her great-great-however many generations grandfather should be perfectly fine. Bill glamors her to be terrified of him.
  • After realizing he's not going to turn into a werepanther, Jason tells Jessica it's kind of a letdown, and that the werepanther tribe are idiots.
  • Jason waking up and screaming "Oh my gravy!" after having a Homoerotic Dream of Hoyt.
  • Tara being saved from Pam by a bunch of dimbulbs wanting to sell vampire videos to TMZ. "I AM NOT A ZOMBIE!" "That's exactly what a zombie would say!"
  • Lafayette and Jesus find that Jesus' elderly abuelo has a hot and pregnant wife. Lafayette: "I think Grandpa's still got some lead in the pencil."
  • Hit with a spell that causes her face to age and scar, Pam storms into Bill's office, wearing a black hat and veil.
  • Tommy as Maxine, taking her already over the top abrasiveness Up to Eleven.
  • Sookie's dream where she declares she loves both Bill and Eric, and they should just be in a three-way relationship with her. How the hell did everyone get through that one with a straight face?
    • By this point in time, Anna Paquin and Stephen Moyer were married, so one imagines Moyer's thoughts when Paquin took her robe off while shooting this scene must have been, "Damn right that's my wife and after all this acting is over with, she'll actually get to be MY Sookie."
  • Jessica unloads to Nan about her boy troubles, while fidgeting around with a letter opener.
    Jessica Hamby: [weeping] ...And then, I go over to Jason's house, because I thought, "maybe he might, like, understand what I was going through," but [sniffles] he just kicked me out also. [sobs] This is the worst day of my life! I wish I was dead...except I am and it doesn't even matter!
    Nan Flanagan: There have been times, I'll admit, when it's occurred to me that maybe I should put my career on hold and become a maker. But these last several hours here with you have erased those doubts forever.
    Jessica Hamby: [staring at her in disbelief] You are nothing like you are on TV.
    Nan Flanagan: [pleased] Ah, thanks.
    • Followed by Bill coming in, Nan asking Bill what's going on, and a Gilligan Cut to all three chained down with silver.
  • Mavis having a Freak Out when she finally notices she's in a man's body.
    • Mavis getting confused when Jesus says that Lafayette is his boyfriend, either indicating that she has no knowledge of homosexuality, or that she had no idea she was in a man's body this whole time.
  • The blink-and-you'll-miss-it glimpse of a copy of Twilight with the movie poster cover in the box of Jessica's stuff.
  • Jason making fun of Hoyt for having a Taylor Swift CD. Hoyt quickly retorts it's Jessica's.
  • Terry makes Andy admit he has a V addiction, leaving Andy behind in the woods and forcing him to walk home.
  • While they're all restrained with silver, Nan angrily sentences Bill, Eric, Pam, and Jessica to True Death, only for all of them to tell her to shut up.
    • Nan promises a slow and painful death for Bill come sundown.
  • Jesus is attempting to breach the magical forcefield around the shop, when suddenly he turns into a demon and forces his way through.
    Jason: What's happening to his head?!
    Lafayette: (Slightly embarrassed) It's a Latin thing.
  • Tara and Holly warning the coven not to touch the door, only for them to do it anyway.
  • Andy tries to talk about the fairy Maurella, whom he had sex with, but Arlene thinks he was just hallucinating.
  • "You can't trade magic like fucking Pokémon cards!"
  • The death of Nan in its entirety.
    • Eric, regarding Nan and her bodyguards: "Hi Nan!...and gay stormtroopers."
    • After disintegrating Nan, the two guys look at the gooping remains on her on the floor. Eric sighs and says, "What a bitch."
  • "We're still feeling pretty crispy here."
  • Pam ranting about Sookie: "I am sooo over Sookie and her precious fairy vagina and her unbelievably stupid name! FUCK SOOKIE! *throws things*
  • Jessica seduces Jason by wearing a naughty Little Red Riding Hood costume.
    Jason Stackhouse: Is this another dream? Because if Hoyt pops out from under that hood, I'm gonna knock him the fuck out.
  • Arlene threatens to take her kids trick-or-treating at a trailer park again if they don't behave.
    "Now do you want a bag full of empty Coors cans and food stamps or do you want candy?"
  • Nan suggests to Bill that perhaps civil rights protests in the 60's would have gone more smoothly if no black people were at them. Bill's reaction is an impossible to describe WTF look that's so confused it's hilarious.
  • Terry confronting Andy about his V addiction, and Andy throwing Terry's past drug abuse in his face.
    Terry: Well I got clean in the long run, didn't I? No drugs for me. (aside) Except the anti-psychotics.
    Season 5 
  • Bill calls Jessica to tell her that his house is free for her to use, all the while, Eric is in the background speed-cleaning up Nan's remains.
  • Deputy Jason Stackhouse's voicemail message.
    Hi, you've reached the voicemail for Deputy Stackhouse. If this is an emergency, hang up and dial 9-1-1, and ask for me!
  • Pam's constant complaints while turning Tara. "I'm wearing a Wal-Mart sweatsuit for y'all! If that's not a demonstration of "team spirit" I don't know what is."
  • Steve Newlin coming out to Jason, which is even more awkward and pathetic than it sounds.
  • Steve Newlin propositions Jessica with money for Jason's location:
    Jessica Hamby: Let me ask you a question, Steve. Have you seen Jason's butt?
    Steve Newlin: Of course I've seen it. Why do you think I'm offering $10,000?
    Jessica Hamby: When it's rock hard, you could chip a fang on it.
    Steve Newlin: [pretends to contemplate for a very long time] $15,000, and that's it.
    Jessica Hamby: [walks over to Steve's chair] And speaking of rock-hard?
    [Jessica walks sensually around Steve's chair, until his fangs suddenly pop up]
    Jessica Hamby: Let's just say [lowers her voice and whispers into his ear] you won't be disappointed.
    Steve Newlin: Okay! Okay! $20,000! [Jessica laughs and steps away from the chair]
    Jessica Hamby: Look at you: fang-boner and...real boner.
  • Pam senses Tara trying to kill herself, leading us to believe she's going to develop some Mama Bear sense toward her progeny and rush to save her. Instead, she rolls her eyes and says "You stupid bitch." She still saves her, but in her own way.
  • Sookie getting plastered and giving her own spin on The Pina Colada Song.
  • The Take That! to the Sookie/Alcide shippers, where Sookie throws up right when they're about to have sex. And a bit later on:
    "Are we going to talk about how I puked on your shoes?"
  • Arlene discovering a nude Andy after he's kicked out of the fairy nightclub.
  • Lafayette sees a living severed head with its mouth sewn shut and freaks out. Ruby Jean sees this same apparition... and completely unfazed, asks it where it has been.
  • Eric's way of consoling a human who's afraid he may die before ever getting to see the Big Apple: "New York City smells like pee and the people are rude."
  • Eric indulging himself a bit while glamoring Alcide to forget about Russell, telling him not to sleep with Sookie. "She kind of disgusts you."
    • Plus Sookie's reaction to the results. "Did you just recoil from me?"
  • This entire exchange between the captured Russell and Roman:
    Russell: You think you're any better than the Sanguinistas? You use Lilith to justify your bloodlust for power, just as they do to justify their bloodlust for humans. You're both fucking hypocrites! I am the only honest one here! I want to gorge on human blood, not because some fucking bible tells me to, but because I like it! It's fun! It makes my DICK hard!
    Roman (completely unfazed): Are you done?
  • Eric giving Bill a piggyback ride as they, Russell and the rest of the Authority wander around New Orleans, completely high off what may or may not be Lilith's blood.
  • Russell Edgington sneaking onstage at a wedding party and attempting to sing along with the bride at karaoke. We see uncomfortable/horrified looks on the wedding guests as they realize who crashed their party.
  • The line "Suicide is for Muslims!" is so out of the blue and blatantly racist that you cant help but go lolwut?
  • Sam sniffing around like a dog, with the people who don't know he's a shifter thinking he's weird or crazy.
  • Jason Comically Missing the Point when he discovers that Jessica just drank from a complete stranger:
    Jason: You know you say you're not all the same but really, what's the difference? I mean, you just drank from some dude you don't even know.
    Jessica: Yeah and I suppose you know every cow you've eaten.
    Jason: What the fuck kinda question is that? I ain't ever fucked a cow!
    Jessica: It's a metaphor, you idiot!
  • Andy explaining to Jessica why there were two Sams: "That's his girlfriend. She turned into him and now she's stuck."
    • A bit earlier, Sam and Luna argue about the situation while Andy can only say "I hate this town."
    • Sam is trying to soothe Luna, because she's upset about being stuck in his form and is in horrible pain, and says, "You're handsome." They share a laugh.
  • Pam revealing she wasn't angry at Tara like she thought: "My mad face and my happy face are the same."
  • Sookie to Russell: "You watch your fucking language."
  • Lafayette on why he's reluctant to get back to talking to spirits: "I'm in the 'fuck-off-while-I-smoke-a-blunt' business, and business is about to pick way the fuck up."
  • Lafayette telling all the spirits of the dead to stop being so cryptic because it's not cool.
  • Sookie's peek at Sweetie's extremely petty reason for starting the anti-supernatural hate group.
  • Lafayette in "Everybody Wants to Rule the World" was simply delightful:
    Sookie: What do you see?
    Lafayette (looking in the mirror): One fine-ass motherfucker with pretty new eyelashes.
    Sookie: Well are you gonna help me or are you just gonna look at your vain ass in the mirror all day?!
    Lafayette (trying to commune with spirits): Creepy spirit thang: Why you in Sookie's bathroom?
    • "The rest of you: I ain't G-Mail for dead bitches. Send your own god damn messages."
    • "Dead folk, why y'all gotta be so cryptic? It ain't cute."
    • "I can only listen to you one at a goddamn time! Fuck! ...oh. Excuse my language, Mrs. Stackhouse..."
  • From Tara: ""I don't know nothin' 'bout birthin' no baby vampires!"
  • Sam and Lafayette scare off a pair of guys who were going to kill Jessica. Lafayette reminds one of them about his fries, and he actually comes back and gets them, before heading back out so fast that he bumps headlong into Jason coming in the door and spills them. Finally, Jason catches one of the fries and eats it as he asks what the hell just happened.
    Lafayette: Take yo' fries to go!
  • Claude talking about Maurella's age:
    Claude: She's 500 but she only admits to being three. Like you really couldn't tell, she's halfway to being an elder.
  • Sookie meeting The Elder of the fairies:
    Elder: Ke$sha: For, or Against?
    Sookie: Ex...cuse me?
    Elder: Do you like her music?
    Sookie: I'm...sorry. I'm...not that familiar with her music.
    Elder: She doesn't really sing, does she. She talks...I suppose that makes her some sort of a poet. That's alarming...because her spelling is atrocious.
    • It should be mentioned that during their whole conversation, The Elder is dancing on stage.
  • In the fifth season finale, Lafayette and Arlene getting drunk on "Cajun Margaritas" and delivering snark while watching all the craziness unfold.
    • Lafayette with the fan!
  • Related to the above: Maurella giving birth to four(!!) babies in a very orgasmic fashion, and then casually mentioning to Andy that he's got to take care of them all and leaves. The look on his and Holly's face really sells it.
  • Eric and Nora arguing over a computer, in true brother-sister fashion.
  • Jessica says "Eeeeeew" when a vampire is shot to death and explodes. Then Pam and Tara begin making out.
    Sookie: Oh, okay.
    Jessica: I knew it!
  • When Eric Northman stakes Russell Edgington he can only respond "Oh, fuck!"

    Season 6 
  • Arlene explaining the birds and the bees to Andy.
    Arlene: And when you stick Mr. Happy into somebody's hoohah without a raincoat on, babies come out!
  • Eric: "Who the fuck is Warlow?"
    • Nora: "So the kid who's never read a book [Jason] knows more than you."
  • Lafayette calls Luna's press conference the most disturbing thing he's seen on TV, "and I watch Dance Moms!"
  • Sookie noticing an injured man by the side of the road on her way to work, and immediately going "No, not today."
  • Billith making such a big deal to Jessica about how he's so super special now that he can stand in the sunlight...until it turns out he can't. After Jessica puts out the flames:
    Bill Compton: I don't understand!
  • Eric's "wildlife conservationist" disguise.
  • Eric on Ginger idiotically answering his phone when they were trying to keep a low profile. "I get it, you're stupid."
  • Jessica insists that curfew or not, she can't be confined to the house while Bill is out running errands, and as his progeny, she should be able to help him. Bill concedes that he knows the location of one of the professors who worked on the synthesis of Tru Blood, and tasks Jessica with retrieving him. Jessica happily hugs Bill and goes upstairs to get ready.
    Bill Compton: And Jess? [sheepishly] You should wear something inappropriate. Takahashi's got a thing for young women. [Jessica nods, gives him a look of "Yes, Dad, I can definitely do inappropriate," before heading upstairs]
    • There's her vlog when preparing.
    • The actual seduction is pretty funny. Jessica enters one of Takahashi's lectures posing as a naughty schoolgirl in a revealing outfit, then waits for all of his other students to leave before making her move.
  • The fact that Andy assigned numbers to his fairy-hybrid daughters so he could tell them apart. "Girls, how many times have I told you, no hand lasers?!"
    Holly: Out of my head, Number Three!
  • Jason having yet another vampire blood-induced Homoerotic Dream, this time about Ben, complete with gratuitous shirtlessness, Jason's complete inability to shave Ben's face in a sexy manner, and Jason's hilarious Gay Panic afterwards.
  • After being captured and sent to the vampire camp, where vampires are experimented on, Pam sees a room where two vampires are forced to have sex with each other. Pam asks what their captors can possibly learn from that. Later, Pam asks if she can be put in that room.
  • Sarah telling Jason in complete seriousness "God wants me to fuck you." Followed by the expected Gilligan Cut.
  • "You don't have that Stockholder's Syndrome, do you?"
  • Lafayette's reaction to Bill walking into Arlene's house in broad daylight.
    Lafayette: I'm so fucking glad I took my beta blockers today. *leaves the room* Deuces.
  • Pam easily and contemptuously seducing the psychiatrist.
    • Followed up in the next episode:
      Jessica: Did you just have sex with him?
      Pam: I did.
      Jessica: How was it?
      Pam: Oozy. But productive.
  • After Arlene blows up at Terry's grandmother for wanting a full military funeral and storms out, Andy can only say "I'm trying to figure out if I'd be more uncomfortable in here or out there."
  • Steve Newlin is forced to run on a giant hamster-wheel contraption, and he acts tired and out of breath even though he is a vampire.
  • Sarah's over-the-top catfight with Ms. Suzuki, complete with cuntpunting, failed attempts at neckbreaking, and murder by stiletto heel.
  • The reaction of Jane Bodehouse and Maxine Fortenberry when Alcide shows up at Terry's funeral.
    "He smells like a man..."
    • Grandma Bellefleur's behavior at said funeral. Eventually you start expecting another one-liner from her and start cracking up!
  • What does Steve Newlin yell out when his former wife opens the roof to let the sun in, just before bursting into flame?
    • Then the camera cuts to Jason trying really hard to unhear that.
  • Ginger endlessly screaming during Eric's assault on the prison. That poor actress must have been exhausted after that episode wrapped.
    • Bonus points with Eric wandering down a hallway until he hears the shrieking off in the distance. "I know that scream..."
  • "Jesus thinks you're an average lay."
  • The whole sunlight vampire orgy at Bill's mansion, particularly Violet greeting Sookie with a big kiss on the mouth, while some random vampires are having sex in the background.
    Jason: "Meet Violet...she's European."
  • Bill calling Alcide "Bright Eyes".
    Season 7 
  • Jason's "pizza forensics"
  • In an example of slightly dark humor, Jason learns that making an offhand war reference among immortal beings may result in a slightly awkward moment, mostly because there are better than even odds that some in your presence may have actually participated in the war in question.
  • During a flashback Pam and Eric are sentenced to run a video store, which includes an erotic section. Their faces say it all.
  • In episode 9 Eric agrees to fulfill Ginger's long-time wish of sleeping with him. She..."lasts" about a minute, and it doesn't even seem to have involved any penetration. The look of utter irritation on Eric's face is just golden.
    • Even funnier is the original script having them go at it only for Ginger to shrug "I've had better" and the thousand-year old Eric just stunned.
  • In the final episode, Eric dashes off to take out the Yakuza who want to hunt down Sookie, and kills them in short order. Cut to him speeding down the road, in their sports car, bobbing his head to music from the Need For Speed soundtrack with their corpses in the backseat.
  • Eric Northman, infomercial pitchman. That is all.

  • Mini episodes:
    • A creepy old pastor tries to hit on Jessica, constantly calling her a "whore". Jessica is obviously disgusted. When he won't take no for an answer, she snaps and glamours him, which starts all serious, until the end when she can't help but insert a bit of immaturity into her revenge on this guy.
    Jessica: What is your name?! [leans in and lowers her voice] What is your name?
    Jerry: [flat voice] Jerry Hodgson, pastor of the Holy Rock Church.
    Jessica: Well I want you to do one thing, Jerry Hodgson.
    Jerry: I'll do anything. Please don't kill me.
    [Jessica looks over her shoulder, then retracts her fangs]
    Jessica: Are you married?
    Jerry: I am.
    Jessica: Then I want you to go home to your wife, and tell her that you love her. And tell her that she is way too good for you. And then I want you to make love to her like it was the first time, and remember that if God wants anything, it's you thankin' him daily that you get to live a normal life; and that you don't have to cut people open to eat. Can you do that for me?
    Jerry: Yes, ma'am.
    Jessica: [smiles] Then I want you to stand up, and walk out that door. [Jerry gets up to leave, but before he can take a step, Jessica grabs him by the shoulder] But...[breaks into a mischievous grin] scream "I'm a fuckin' pervert with a big boner for Jesus." [She lets the shell-shocked pastor go. As he reaches the door, he turns around and announces, loud enough for everyone to hear...]
    Trucker: Yeah, whatever floats your boat, dude...
    [Jessica breaks out laughing]
  • Jessica's blog produces its share of funny moments:
    Jessica: Hello? Yes, thank god you're there! I need a donor to Bon Temps area in, like, five minutes ago! [beat] It's the Bill Compton residence. [beat] Yes, exactly, just right behind the cemetery. Great. [beat] What? [beat] Uh, no, I don't care what color hair she has or if she has a third nipple! Just whatever's available, okay? Just please send her as soon as possible, please?
    Ginger: I know it's none of my business, but my friend Lucy got shot in the head by her boyfriend too.
    Jessica: Really? What did she do?
    Ginger: She died! It was real sad. [awkward silence] Well, I'll see you out there.
    • Jessica passes the time by playing around with Tru Blood bottles, stacking them in a tower, imitating Bill's pronunciation of her name and Sookie's, and using some of the blood as rouge.
  • Season 3 Post-Mortems:

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