Funny / The Wizard in the Shadows

The Wizard In The Shadows

• Harry's reply to Boromir's 'One does not simply walk into Mordor' speech.
  "You may not have noticed, but we do not have 10,000 men."
• Harry's possessiveness when it comes to alcohol. He doesn't drink much, but woe betide you if you try and steal what he is drinking.
• In Moria:
  Gandalf: There are dangerous things in these mines.
  Harry: I'll be one of them if I don't get to eat something soon.
• Harry considers ferrying the five hunters over ahead of the Uruks when they are hunting for the hobbits. This is vetoed after Harry takes Gimli for a test flight and Gimli throws up. Legolas has the misfortune to be underneath. Hilarity Ensues.
• Everyone tormenting Théoded.
• Harry quoting the 'To the pain' speech to the Mouth of Sauron.
• Harry's response to Denethor when Boromir explains that the Ring is too dangerous:
  Denethor: Who taught you that I wonder? These two conjurers, one young, one old, one arrayed in black and the other in white, yet equal in their meddling.
  Harry: [eyes the decorations] At least we blend in.
• Harry and Ginny's Pre-Climax Climax, 'making up for lost time'.
  Pippin: [completely innocently] Did you sleep well? You look as if you didn't get much sleep.
  Harry: [clearly still out of it] It was fantastic... [Ginny elbows him] Oh, you meant the sleep. Well, not so much. There was… a lot of tossing and turning.
  Pippin: [still innocently] Good thing that it was a big bed, think of the trouble if you'd rolled off.
  Harry: [embarrassed] Yeah. Heh.
• The narration when Emrys takes on a troll:
  Emrys, like many others with a sobriquet such as 'The Valiant', took the traditional Gryffindor approach to distraction. That is to say, crude insults yelled at the top of one's voice. Sun Tzu would have been proud.
  • And his insult: "Oi! Big, ugly and brainless! Down here Warg fucker!"
• Harry accidentally completes a Buffy the Vampire Slayer Shout-Out and the ensuing mental image:
  Hermione: We few, we merry few -
  Harry: We band of buggered.
  Hermione: [shocked] How could you possibly know that part of the quote?
  Harry: Eh? I thought I was just murdering Shakespeare's masterpiece. What did you think?
  Hermione: That you were quoting a popular American TV show that you cannot possibly have watched unless Rivendell has cable television.
  • Harry then cracks up at the mental image of various elves watching soaps on the Mirror of Galadriel.
• Harry's cheerful implication that Aragorn might get stage fright on his wedding night.
• When Harry reveals himself as having been Only Mostly Dead, the first thing he does is carve 'Out for Lunch, back in ten minutes' on the shattered remains of his tomb, which he had blasted open after an exceptionally stupid raven pecked at it. Doubles as a Shout-Out to Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest. He then sneaks up on Ron as the latter is giving a toast to the seemingly dead Harry, and steals his drink.
  • Aragorn and Théoded's Seen It All reaction.
  This is still far from the weirdest thing you've ever done.
• Harry's proactive approach to matchmaking.
• This exchange at the celebration post final battle.
  Gandalf: Nevertheless, your secret dies with us
  Harry: No dying!
  Gandalf: Everyone does so eventually Harry. Death is but the next great adventure, a wise man once said.
  Harry: Yes, Dumbledore really liked that one. But this is a party, and I'm just back from the dead, so I intend to have fun, which may or may not involve getting absolutely drunk out of my skull.
  Frodo: [puzzled] How do you get drunk out of your skull?
  Harry: [firmly] I don't know, but I intend to find out.
• Harry disabusing Boromir of the notion that he is merely a cold and calculating commander in Deadpan Snarker fashion.
  "Oi, moaning about your own perceived failures is my schtick. Stop infringing. I take it that your cold and calculating side is why your soldiers love you and would die for you without hesitation, why it was you who comforted me after Gandalf died. Yes, very cold, very ruthless, no doubt all with a cunning ulterior motive. Face it Boromir, you're like a big, fluffy… stuffed toy!"
• How Harry persuades Éowyn to remain behind after Helm's Deep:
  "Besides, your cousin has to go because he is the heir, and your brother has to because he's about as good at dealing with civilians as I am at herding cats. Blindfolded. With both legs tied together."
• Harry's casual irreverence provides many.
  • After Helm's Deep.
  Gandalf: Sauron's wrath will be terrible, his vengeance swift. The battle for Helm's Deep is over. The Battle for Middle Earth is about to begin.
  Harry: Not before we, one, deal with Saruman, and two, I get a decent pint, it won't.
  Boromir: [despairingly] Do you have any sense of occasion?
  Harry: [blankly] Sense of occasion? What is this thing you speak of?
  Gandalf: [ignores Harry through long practice] All our hopes now lie with two little hobbits. Somewhere in the wilderness.
  • Hailing the Riders of Rohan.
  Aragorn: Riders of Rohan! What news from the Mark?
  Harry: ÉOMER! OVER HERE YOU DOZY BASTARD!
  • He then threatens to turn one of the Riders' spears into a rabbit.
• Harry considers trying to pull a Jump Scare on Boromir when they're riding to Isengard, then dismisses it on the grounds that he'll probably be stabbed.
• Harry's innovative tactic against Wargs. Shrieking through a Sonorus spell.
  Boromir: A POX ON ALL BLOODY DERANGED WIZARDS!
• Harry saying what every person who has watched The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers has wanted to say:
  Gimli: Fangorn… what madness drove them in there?
  Harry: You mean apart from the ferocious battle and certain death behind them?
• When Gandalf returns as Gandalf the White and appears to have forgotten his name, Harry comes up with this gem:
  "Eru help us, he's back, he's incredibly powerful, and he's gone senile."
  • Harry and Gandalf bickering.
  Gandalf: I am Gandalf the White. And I come back to you now at the turn of the tide. And I am not senile, Moristar, though I would ask you to try being resurrected and retaining your full faculties.
  Harry: I have. It was rather easy. Of course, some of us didn't bother with the dye job. Now could you tell me where you've hidden my bloody wand?
  • Boromir has one when Gandalf is chivvying them along.
  "Back from the dead, twice as powerful, twice as grumpy."
• Sirius reckons that they should look for a doorbell on the black gate.
• Boromir, on seeing the army coming out of the Black Gate.
  [calmly] "We are all so very, very dead."
  • Harry's response:
  "Where's your positivity? I'll take the 6,000 in front of us, and you lot can play nicely divide the remains among yourselves."
• Just before Aragorn makes the 'Men of the West' speech.
  Sirius: Oh, pre-battle speech coming up. This should be good: is it going to be a 'we're all going to die, so let's take some of the bastards with us' routine, or a 'There are only ten thousand of them, see you on the other side of the evil army'?
• Aragorn charges at the army of Mordor. Harry follows him.
  [cackling] "Slow down, you mad bastard!"
• Éomer. In a dress.
• Ron tells Harry and Ginny to get a room at a banquet in Rohan, or they'll start doing it on the table.
  Harry: [looks speculatively at table] Nah. Too much chance of splinters.
  • Then Théoden noticing them leaving and responding.
  Théoden: Anyone else who wishes to leave the banquet with their loved one to attend to… other business, may do so. Now.
  • A full third of the guests promptly leave, and Legolas and Gimli sigh over the one track minds of mortal men.
  Legolas: Humans. Only ever thinking of one thing.
  Gimli: Aye laddie. Let's just hope that Harry remembered to silence his room this time.
  Legolas: [shudders] Yes. Let's.
• Emrys' whispered If You Ever Do Anything to Hurt Her... speech to Sirius backfires. It works on Sirius, but Eirian gets annoyed and reads out Emrys' love poetry. Very loudly. On the steps of Edoras.
• Maglor mockingly impersonating Fëanor.
• Harry and Aragorn having a wrestling match in the Houses of Healing while their friends look on.
  Legolas: When people talk of the King being advised by his closest and wisest friends, they never talk about this. I am most certain that my father has never wrestled with Galion in the middle of counsel on matters of grave import.
  Elladan or Elrohir: Nor does our father wrestle with Erestor or Glorfindel.
  Gimli: Aye, neither does mine.
  Legolas: Indeed, [...] the race of Man is an odd one, whether of the ordinary variety or the wizardly variety. Yet we put up with them all the same -
  Gimli: Because we find them funny.
  Harry: You two aren't related, married, performing a comedy routine or any combination of the above, unless I missed a lot of very strange things when I was out of action, so stop it with the sentence finishing. It disturbs me.
• Boromir's reaction to Ginny giving Too Much Information about her and Harry. "Dear Eru, I beseech you to heed my prayer and wipe that image from my mind."
• After Galadriel's gift to Harry (the armour of Gryffindor) saves his life:
  Sirius: I am going to kiss whoever gave him this armour!
  Boromir: She's married, at least seven thousand years old and mindreading elf nobility. You haven't got a chance.
  Sirius: You'd be surprised.
  Boromir: Yes, I would. I really, really would.
• Sirius and Eirian have a shouting match after an ill-advised prank makes Legolas cry. Then they both go off to sulk, and Harry goes to find Sirius.
  Sirius: I guess you [heard our argument].
  Harry: Sirius, half the city probably heard it. If you'd shouted just a little louder, they would have heard you in Osgiliath.

From Out of the Shadows

• Harry's internal note on Emrys' latest failure to redye his hair brown, saying that he sulked, not mentioning that the sulking was done on the hotel room ceiling.
• Lucius Malfoy and piranhas. Flying piranhas. And purple custard. And sharks. The purple custard is a trademark.
• Maglor's killer magical lawnmower.
• The Dramatis Personae is a very long one.
• Harry asks in a tone that suggests Serious Business that he is trying to hide from someone and wants Draco to teach him some anti tracking spells. The dread person who Harry is trying to escape? Mrs. Weasley.
  • And a hilarious Call-Back to the books, George actually did stun his mother when she got involved in his wedding. It didn't stop her.
• This exchange:
  Harry: Draco's become rather more perceptive than I would have expected. He's almost like you Sirius, except when people s –. [looks at Eirian] If I finish that sentence I'm going to be castrated aren't I?
  Eirian: Maybe. Depends what you were going to say.
  Harry: [considers continuing then shuts up] Discretion is that better part of valour.
  Eirian: Smart man.
• Boromir explaining who Morcar's father really was.
  Morcar: My father was the reincarnation of the ancestor of the Darkness Slayer, a man called Godric Gryffindor, who was responsible, at the very least, for that damn great silver cat thing at Helm's Deep. And the Ringbearer's glowing finger.
  "Yes," said Boromir, sounding relieved that the end was in sight and that there was light at the end of the tunnel.
  Morcar: So. Why haven't I blown up the city yet?
  Boromir looked like he was having a stroke. "I'm not sure," he muttered, having discovered that the metaphorical light at the end of the metaphorical tunnel was a metaphorical flame thrower.
• "Exit wizard, stage left, pursued by two women much more frightening than any bear."
• Miriel, Emrys and Eirian get back at Harry for pranking them by portkeying him and Ginny into the middle of Hogwarts Lake.
  Professor McGonagall: Hagrid told me he'd never heard so much creative cursing in all sorts of languages in his entire life as [Harry and Ginny] staggered out of the lake, naked as the day they were born.
• The fact that, apparently, something once happened between Maglor and Professor McGonagall.

Snippets From The Shadows

• Maglor. At a nightclub. It turns out that he Really Gets Around. So it's unsurprising that he would hook up with a dimension travelling Faith Lehane.
• Maglor's concept of therapy mostly involves borrowing the Resurrection Stone and screaming at spirit!Fëanor.
  • Legolas uses it as an opportunity to increase his vocabulary.
  • Maglor's assessment of Fëanor:
  Maglor: After six thousand years, he's still a twat. I really shouldn't be surprised.
• The entirety of chapter four, in which the Avengers, Buffy and Faith come to visit. It includes:
  • The Hulk with munchies after Emrys sets a Marijuana farm on fire
  Hulk: HULK WANT SALSA!
  • Nelson's statue and the four lions doing the Cha-Cha slide.
  • The statue of Boudicca breakdancing as a distraction.
  • Tony Stark and Maglor plotting an aphrodisiac bomb.
  • Maglor sleeping with Buffy, Faith, Darcy Lewis and Black Widow all at once, and admitting that he was the seduced, for once.
  • Kingsley's thought that the concept of Tony Stark and Maglor being friends as absolutely terrifying.
  • A comatose Boromir being tied to the Buckingham Palace flagpole after drinking a Pangalactic Gargle Blaster.
  Tony: [while writing] Note to self. Must... get... Nick... to... drink... Pangalactic Gargle Blaster.
  • Tony is no longer allowed to drink and fly the Iron Man suit after a Noodle Incident involving 'the Italian Ambassador's wife, the five Doombots, the Russian Ambassador's husky, the New York branch of Victoria's Secret and a Hugh Hefner themed orgy'. And it ended in Tony playing bumper cars with the U.S. Fifth Fleet, totalling five destroyers, three frigates and an aircraft carrier.

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