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In General

  • When facing Oh, Crap!-worthy situations, Geralt will always let out a subdued "Fuck..." before dealing with them.
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Season 1

    Episode 1: The End's Beginning 
  • Geralt is fighting a large, ugly monster. When Roach sees the monster erupt from the pond Geralt is fighting it in, she casually backs up.
  • Marilka, the overly chatty alderman's daughter who shows Geralt around Blaviken.
    Marilka: My mother says you're the offspring of foul sorcery. A demon, begotten from the pits of Hell. Have you ever been to Hell?
    • Her very first lines are her cheerfully telling Geralt that she murdered a rat with a fork that morning, clearly asking for his opinion as a professional exterminator.
    • She also lets Geralt know that the town wizard pays for dead creatures. And that she got 15 crowns for bringing him the family dog when it died. Mysteriously.
  • Ciri's grandparents make not-so-subtle innuendo jabs at one another during an otherwise dignified knighting ceremony. Ciri can only say "Gross."
  • Stregobor describing the Curse of the Black Sun to a totally uninterested Geralt: 60 women in gold crowns filling the river valleys with blood.
    Geralt: Doesn't rhyme. All good predictions rhyme.
  • Geralt tells the story about how he met and killed his first monster: A human rapist not far from Kaer Morhen. This sad story, which says quite a lot about Geralt's character, ends with Renfri coming out from behind a tree and asking who he's talking to. Geralt admits he's talking to his horse.
    • The story also proves rather humorously that this is not a regular fantasy story - Geralt's reward for casually murdering a man who was about to rape a woman was not gratitude and a bout of Rescue Sex. Instead, the woman took one look at him covered in blood, screamed, vomited, and fainted.

    Episode 2: Four Marks 
  • After his terrible song gets him pelted with bread, Jaskier pockets the bread.
  • This exchange:
    Jaskier: Look, I heard your note, and, yes, you're right, maybe real adventures would make better stories. And you, sir, smell chock-full of them. Amongst other things. I mean, what is that? Is that onion? It doesn't matter. Whatever it is, you smell of death and destiny. Heroics and heartbreak.
    Geralt: It's onion.
  • Jaskier pushes Geralt's Berserk Button by referring to him as the Butcher of Blaviken. Geralt punches him in the gut in response. Even better, Geralt pauses as though he can't believe Jaskier just says that, then gives him a "Come here." Jaskier eagerly approaches, only to find himself bent in half over Geralt's fist.
    • What's also great about this is Geralt kinda looks at Roach like he's asking her opinion on the bard before he does it, then gives her a quiet, "C'mon, Roach."
    • Jaskier then reflects on the gut-punch, totally unphased, and what he concludes from the punch is that Geralt has "an image problem", and not to worry, because he will fix it!
  • Jaskier's Motor Mouth gets on Geralt's nerves.
    Jaskier: What are we looking for again?
    Geralt: Blessed silence.
    Netflix subtitles: (grasshoppers chirping)
    Jaskier: [beat] Yeah, I don't really go in for that.

  • Geralt asks the Sylvan if his mother fucked a goat. A little bit later during the same fight, the Sylvan rips out a chunk of his (white) hair and asks him if his mother fucked a snowman.

    Episode 3: Betrayer Moon 
  • At the start of the episode, Geralt has apparently been locked up with a prostitute for several days and the owner of the room is starting to get a bit annoyed. Roach even chides him for it.
    Geralt: [to Roach] Don't judge me.
  • While having sex with Istredd, Yennefer has conjured up an illusory crowd of people she wants to show up. Istredd asks if she can make them do something, since all they do is stare. When the two, er, finish, the crowd starts applauding.
  • After the previous witcher allegedly took the townspeople's money and ran off, Geralt offers to take the job for a third of the price, paid upon completion. Someone asks what happens if he can't kill it.
    Geralt: [Beat] Then I die.
  • Triss states she presumes Geralt has some plan to infiltrate the abandoned royal keep in Vizima where the Striga lies and is guarded by superstitious soldiers. His response? Lob a rock just inside the gateway from his hiding spot. The resulting clatter spooks the guards, and they bolt.
  • Geralt casually one-shotting Ostrit after he refuses to tell them what they need to know.
  • Geralt's exasperated reaction when he realises he's going to have to fight the striga until sunrise to break its curse is funny in a dark way.

    Episode 4: Of Banquets, Bastards and Burials 
  • A traumatized villager is retelling the story of how "The White Wolf" was eaten whole by a Selkiemore with a mouth so big it could swallow an entire ship (complete with a horrified listening crowd and dramatic music). Then Jaskier interrupts:
    Jaskier: [while avidly taking notes] Oh this is brilliant!
    [crowd stares]
    Jaskier: Oh, sorry. It's just Geralt's usually so stingy with the details. And then what happened?
    Villager: [somber] He died.
    [crowd murmurs]
    Jaskier: [totally unconcerned] Eh... He's fine.
    Villager: [annoyed] Look. I was there! I saw it with my own—
    [Geralt kicks in the tavern doors and walks in covered in guts]
    Jaskier: [not bothering to look up] See?
  • Then as Geralt demands his coin for killing the creature, Jaskier leads the whole pub in singing his song "Toss a Coin to Your Witcher" and looks as if he is about to give Geralt a pat on the shoulder before remembering that he is covered in selkiemore guts and pulls back. Geralt just looks annoyed at the entire thing.
  • When Jaskier is initially trying to get Geralt to agree to bodyguard him at the banquet, Geralt is having a drink at the bar. He takes a drink from a cup at the bar, immediately spits it out on the floor, and glares at the bartender. Either he was rinsing his mouth out or the beer wasn't up to standard.
  • Geralt is in the bath while speaking to Jaskier, who's attempting to persuade him to be his bodyguard at a feast. As Jaskier is talking about Queen Calanthe's betrothal and how she'll be singing praises about his performance...
    Geralt: (as Jaskier splashes herbs into his bath, and looking entirely unamused) How many of these lords want to kill you?
    Jaskier: (with no shame at all) Hard to say... One stops keeping count after a while. Wives. Concubines. Mothers, sometimes.
  • In this same scene, when Geralt claims Jaskier is not his friend, Jaskier simply states:
    Jaskier: Oh, you usually just let strangers rub chamomile onto your lovely bottom?
    (Geralt glares)
    Jaskier: Yeah, well, yeah, exactly. That's what I thought.
  • Geralt's mounting anger at Jaskier roping him into bodyguarding the bard, because he has a habit of seducing noble women.
    Geralt: I will not suffer tonight sober because you hid your sausage in the wrong royal pantry.
    (and again, later)
    Geralt: Don't go fishing for trout in any strange rivers.
  • Jaskier dresses Geralt up in silk clothes and orders him to keep quiet to avoid being recognized, only for a very loud, very drunk Mousesack to see them and loudly announce Geralt's full name and occupation.
    Mousesack: Why are you dressed like a sad silk trader?
    Geralt: [glares at Jaskier]
  • When they get to the party, there is a noble lord who thinks he recognizes Jaskier, and demands he drop his pants, because while the lord never saw Jaskier's face as he ran from the wife's bedchambers, he got a good look at his "pimply arse." Geralt quickly intervenes by telling the lord that Jaskier couldn't possibly be the culprit, as he was "kicked in the balls by an ox" when he was a boy. The lord promptly apologizes and gives the "eunuch" Jaskier some coin to buy some wine to ease his "suffering." For extra fridge brilliance, Geralt managed to deliberately cockblock Jaskier for the rest of the night, allowing him to have his drink.
    • Geralt really squeezes the opportunity for all its worth. He tells the noble lord that this sort of mistake happens all the time because Jaskier has the face of a coward and a scoundrel.
  • Calanthe striding into her throne room streaked in blood, seizes a tankard, makes a few ribald jokes and then shouts at Jaskier to play something more upbeat when he starts singing a sombre song.
    • It is also quite possible she regrets this later, if her reaction to Jaskier's singing of the very dirty "The Fishmonger's Daughter" is any indication:
    • A bit of fridge hilarity sets in when you realize that it appears that Jaskier was specifically requested for the engagement banquet, but Calanthe does not seem to enjoy his music and seems if anything actively irritated by his presence. Which means that Pavetta is either a fan, or she specifically chose Jaskier knowing it would irritate Calanthe.
    • Just the fact that Jaskier only seems to have two settings. . . "maudlin" and "ribald." Well, and "singing the heroics of Geralt of Rivia," but Geralt already pretty thoroughly shot down a rousing chorus of "Toss a Coin to Your Witcher."
  • Lord Peregrine of Nilfgaard making his pitch for Pavetta's hand in marriage is stuffed to the brim with these:
    • At first he doesn't even get to speak, as Draig Bon-Dhu keeps playing bagpipes every time as he opens his mouth - to the delight and amusement of the court - until an annoyed Calanthe puts a stop to it. For bonus points, she comes off as less outraged at such rudeness, and more irritated about having the unwanted festivities dragged out further.
      Calanthe: Make another sound, Draig Bon-Dhu, and I'll have your guts sewn into pipes and sent to your mother.
    • Then, when Peregrine finally gets to make his pitch, he starts off okay, talking about how powerful a marriage alliance between Cintra and Nilfgaard would make both nations, but then he proudly declares the following:
      Peregrine: And, I'm one of five brothers with no sisters. My potent seed inside Pavetta would produce the strongest of male heirs!
      [Pavetta looks at him and then Calanthe in a way that just screams "WTF?!]"
    • Calanthe then proceeds to verbally roast Peregrine and Nilfgaard - this is before it becomes a massive military power, remember - in a manner that would make Olenna Tyrell proud:
      Calanthe: Cintra is indeed the jewel of the north, yet Nilfgaard remains a shitrag of the south, and that's saying something. [Crowd laughs.] Tell me, is it true that you drink pisswater and feast on your own young? [Crowd laughs again] Nilfgaardian kings don't remain kings for long. Who will take the usurper's crown, you? How long will you last? A year? A month? A day? [Crowd laughs for a third time, at which point Peregrine storms out]
  • During the brawl that erupts after Duny's cursed face is revealed, Calanthe enters the battle herself. Since she doesn't have a weapon, she instead steals a sword from one of her own wounded knights before kicking the poor bastard down the steps in frustration when he feebly tries to apologize.
    • At the end of the brawl, one noblewoman is seen in the background bludgeoning a man with a leg of ham.
    • At another point in the brawl, there is a nobleman in the background trying to "rough up" another noble who is sitting down in his chair. The result looks less like a brawl and more like the world's most vigorous shoulder massage.
    • If one looks in the right moments, they might see Mousesack just standing there. One gets the impression that the druid is either dumbfounded, or so used to brawls breaking out at parties that he knows well enough to stay out of it.
      • Judging (by the games, at least) Mousesack's homeland is Skellige, which is a combination of Viking/Scottish tribal culture, so he's probably used to brawls.
  • Geralt repeatedly declares that he does not believe in destiny, and that the series of coincidences that put Pavetta and Duny together is just that. In the end, thinking it would get him out of town without any more entanglements, Geralt invokes the Law of Surprise in response to Duny's insistence on repaying him. What could they possibly have that they don't yet know about? Then... well, the princess is pregnant. Which everyone realises when Pavetta abruptly (and conveniently) pukes on the floor.
    Calanthe: Pavetta...are you...?
    (everyone turns to look at Geralt)
    Geralt: ...Fuck.
  • Yennefer is stuck guarding a spoiled, selfish queen from a very persistent mage assassin. After one too many insults, she simply portals away on her own and leaves the woman to her fate.
    Queen: Oh, you horrible useless bitch!
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    Episode 5: Bottled Appetites 
  • Why was Geralt looking for a djinn? He hasn't been able to sleep, so he's that desperate to do so.
    • At the very end, that wish gets granted, though by a bout of Glad-to-Be-Alive Sex rather than the djinn.
  • Jaskier's first wish is that his artistic rival dies of apoplexy. It's slightly disturbing how quickly he comes up with that one, but just the contrast of the bard named after a flower immediately wishing for someone's painful death and the witcher known as a "butcher" wishing for some peace and quiet is darkly hilarious.
  • Geralt is stopped by a guard demanding a bribe:
    Guard: I don't make the rules but money opens all doors.
    [Geralt digs out a large bag of coin — and promptly knocks the guard out with it]
    Geralt: So it seems.
  • When Yennefer aids a couple with *ahem* "marital issues", the mayor barges in demanding taxes from the sorceress. The afflicted man stands up to leave and is now sporting a noticeable erection.
    • Shortly before that, Yennefer asks the man's wife to think of a code-word to cancel the Viagra spell. She chooses 'kumquat' weirdly quickly.
    • Better yet, when you realize that the woman has her husband's penis under a remote control and she can turn it on and off on a whim.
  • Geralt compares Jaskier's singing to "ordering a pie and finding it has no filling." Apart from being a sick burn, it's hilarious that Geralt is almost poetic in describing just how obnoxious the bard's songs are. Clearly this is something he's spent a lot of time thinking about. (Not exactly by choice mind you.)
  • After Geralt disses Jaskier's singing, the melodramatic shock on the latter's face is absolutely hilarious to behold.
    Jaskier: You... need a nap!
  • When Chireadan describes his inability to help Jaskier, Geralt echoes what Jaskier said earlier about "putting salve on a tumor". The bard gives him a look that screams, "I would strangle you if I weren't dying."
  • Geralt's first meeting with Yennefer happens to be in an orgy; an orgy that fails to get a reaction out of the stoic witcher. However, Jaskier is quite shocked, as Geralt casually dumps him into a naked woman's cleavage.
    Yennefer : (After Geralt explains he's a witcher) I thought you'd have fangs or horns or something.
    Geralt : I had them filed down.
    • Just before this, Geralt barges into the mayor's house to demand his mage help Jaskier... and finds him drunk and naked, mumbling about bringing Yennefer some juice. Geralt just looks so confused.
  • Jaskier's testing of his newly restored voice is interrupted by Yennefer grabbing somewhere rather uncomfortable.
    Jaskier: (singing) Ohhhh, Valley of PENIS!
  • When Geralt is worried that Yennefer will get herself killed:
    Jaskier: Well, let's pray for her - on our way, out of town.
  • Jaskier's reaction to finding out Geralt and Yennifer are alive after the roof collapses... and then that they are very alive. Very very alive.

    Episode 6: Rare Species 
  • Geralt insisting he's not interested in joining Borch in hunting a dragon...and then Yennefer walks into the tavern and Jaskier breaks down in sarcastic laughter and a lot of "No", knowing Geralt will insist on following her.
  • Jaskier encountering the Hirikka. First, he's wandering off the trail trying to find something to eat for Borch's Bodyguard Babes, then he runs into what he thinks is a small, cute creature.
    Jaskier: Hello, little fellow. Aw, aren't you just the cutest...[the hirikka stands up] most terrifying thing I've ever seen in my life?! Right, run away! Run away! [hightails it] Geralt! It's one of your...friends again!
  • Eyck killing the Hirikka makes for some dark humour. The knight goes completely overboard on killing it, still screaming and hacking away at its corpse after dismembering and beheading it. The onlookers don't seem sure as to what to make of the situation.
    • He then butchers, cooks, and eats the beast, despite everyone telling him eating a creature about which he knows nothing is probably not a good idea. But "Knights never waste a kill," so he chows down. . . and promptly regrets it.
    • Then, trying to maintain dignity in the face of his obvious intestinal distress:
      Sir Eyck: Um. . . I'm afraid I must take my leave. Lady Yennefer, may I escort you to your tent?
      Yennefer: Will you be joining me?
      Sir Eyck: (stuttering and bowels making uncomfortable noises) Uh, My Lady, I would never degrade your honor in such a way.
      Jaskier: (snorts) I hate to break it to you, but that ship has sailed, wrecked, and sunk to bottom of the ocean. (Geralt smacks him on the shoulder) Ow.
  • Geralt slightly teasing Yennefer about her desire for a child of her own.
  • The look on Geralt's face when he inadvertently lets slip he's been promised a child by the Law of Surprise, causing the broody Yennefer to round on him for criticising her efforts to cure her own infertility when he's gotten around his.
    Geralt: I'd rather use my child surprise as bruxa bait than subject it to this life! [Yennefer whirls rounds]
    Yennefer: What did you just say?! [Geralt realises what he just said]
    Geralt: I, er...Ah fuck!
    Yennefer: You have a child surprise? Isn't that rich? You lecture me on made-up cures for having a child; meanwhile you cheat with destiny to steal one!
    Geralt: Every time I'm near you, I say more in five minutes than I have in weeks. And I always regret it!
  • One of the Reavers tries to go after the dragon egg while the others are fighting... and in his eagerness, he forgets the dragon guarding it.
    Villentretenmerth: Don't try it.
  • Between his attitudes to the hirikka and the dragon, it's oddly hilarious to watch Geralt, a Witcher, essentially playing magical conservationist the entire episode.

    Episode 7: Before a Fall 
  • As far as Yennefer is concerned, the worst thing about Nilfgaard is that their ale is shit.
  • Ciri, now on her own, has stolen a horse and is starting to act a bit like Geralt.
    Ciri: Gods, what kind of crazy person talks to a horse?

    Episode 8: Much More 
  • When Triss and Yennefer see Tissaia flirting with Vilgefortz, they joke that they might be getting a "new daddy."
  • The old merchant Geralt saves joyfully offers him the Law of Surprise as a reward. Geralt requests a pint of ale instead. Never before has a request for a drink sounded like "not this again!"
  • Doubly funny because, going by the Law of Surprise, the refugee girl the merchant's wife adopted without his knowledge now belongs to Geralt. Which means Ciri is Geralt's child surprise again. Apparently, Destiny has a sense of humor and is just trolling everyone at this point.

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Season 2

    Episode 1: A Grain of Truth 

  • Geralt commiserates with Ciri about nightmares and admits that's why he doesn't sleep much: Keeps them away.
    Geralt: Except for the one about the overly friendly rock troll. [looks genuinely disturbed] Hard to get rid of.
  • Nivellin somberly warns Geralt that it might be the End of Days. Geralt is not impressed.
    Geralt: I've lived through an entire Dark Age and three supposed Ends of Days. It's all horseshit.
  • Yennefer asks why Fringilla is bothering to ride when the rest of her men can barely walk; it's not like it's any faster. Fringilla snippily says that if she dismounts, her men will eat the horse. Later, we see them cooking meat over a fire, with no horse in sight.

    Episode 2: Kaer Morhen 

  • Ciri complains that her room has rats. Geralt tells her it's a good sign. Means she got one of the warm ones.
  • One of the witchers recounts a story where he’s looking for a mora that attacked a farmer’s wife in her room. While he’s on watch, she explains to him that it was just the field hand, and now worries that her husband won’t pay him without a mora’s head as proof. He promptly retorts that her husband will pay double for the FIELD HAND’S head.
  • There's something hilarious about the fact that a random prostitute who has never even seen Ciri and Geralt interact instantly recognizes that he's gone into full dad-mode.
  • One of the witchers bursts into Ciri's room because of the monster. She, understandably, freaks out, not helped by the fact that he doesn't explain anything.
    Prostitute: What are you doing!? You can't just burst into a girl's room with sword drawn! Stand guard outside!

    Episode 3: What is Lost 

  • Istredd startles Yennefer in the tunnels, then a few minutes later Stregebor does the same.
    Yennefer: Fuck! What is with you men and lurking around in dark tunnels!?

    Episode 4: Redanian Intelligence 

  • Ciri's Parental Sexuality Squick returns. When Geralt and Triss give each other soulful looks, in the background she grimaces as if she's thinking "oh no, you have a relationship."
  • Triss walks into Kaer Morhen like she owns the place, saying she'll take a bath before dinner.
    Triss: I take it you all will want to get cleaned up as well?
    [awkward silence]
    Triss: ...of course not.
  • The Redanian king's advisers are in the middle of telling him to ally with the other Northern Kingdoms when Dijkstra walks in, kills one adviser and forces the other to drink his own poisoned wine. Both Dijkstra and the king treat it as slightly less important than garbage duty.
    Redanian King: [pointing at one assassin, annoyed] I've known him since I was twelve.
  • Jaskier's reintroduction ... singing what is essentially a breakup song about Geralt. He insists to Yennefer that it could be about anyone but the lyrics are extremely specific.
    Did you ever even care?/With your swords and your stupid hair.
  • Yennefer and Jaskier finally meet again, and immediately resume their Snark-to-Snark Combat. Yennefer walks toward Jaskier as she tells him she was just in a sewer.
    Jaskier: Oh, a sewer? I always knew you were a blood-sucking, joyless— (Yennefer hugs him) hugger? Hugging. We are hugging.
  • To provide a distraction, Jaskier strikes up a conversation with a guard who turns out to be a big fan of his. Jaskier is clearly enjoying the attention, until the Guard mentions he had didn't much care for his last song- which becomes a pointed Take That, Us towards season one and the criticisms several fans had with it. Of note is that it "took until verse four to realize there were multiple timelines" and "The dragon reveal was pretty obvious."
  • Geralt is portaled into Istredd's study without warning. Istredd prepares to fight the large mysterious stranger who just appeared in his home... but Geralt just groans and sits down, trying to get his stomach under control. He really hates portals.

    Episode 5: Turn Your Back 

  • How does Yennefer save Jaskier? Pretend to be his drunk, angry wife to distract his captor. It's also telling that Jaskier immediately got on board the ruse.
  • Geralt and Istredd are exploring the Monolith's canyon, which is several kinds of impossible. Istredd slowly works through a theory that would change everything they know about the world and how the Conjunction of Spheres worked. Geralt just gives him an incredulous look.
    Geralt: I worry about you mages more and more. [genuinely speculative] Maybe humans just shouldn't live so long.
  • Yennefer and Jaskier get caught by guards. Jaskier freezes up in fear... While Yennefer immediately and without hesitation applies her boot to the nearest bollocks.
    Jaskier: (to himself) She is so scary.
  • Jaskier providing a distraction as only he can:
    Gentlemen, gentlemen, many men have wanted to punch me in the face. Now is your chance! Come on!

    Episode 6: Dear Friend... 

  • The apprentice historian is clearly quite taken with Ciri, and begins rambling about his "huge tool" (knowledge). Ciri, who has spent the past several months hanging out with crass men, is clearly trying really hard not to mock him.
  • Geralt takes Ciri to a temple to begin figuring out how to control her mysterious power. Nanneke, the leader of the temple, meets with Ciri, and after Geralt asks her opinion.
    Nanneke: I don't see any side upon which you are not entirely fucked.
  • Ciri spends half the episode carrying around a glass globe on a chain because no one will tell her what she's supposed to do with it.
  • Ciri catch Geralt and Yennefer kissing and tries to get out of the room with a "Sorry..." and all the look of a child who catch her parents doing something awkward.

    Episode 7: Voleth Meir 

  • Geralt finds Jaskier in a prison cell, singing a ribald song about his imprisonment. He managed to annoy the guard into leaving, and when Geralt rescues him, Jaskier politely says goodbye to the mice. Geralt gives him an exasperated look.
    Jaskier: What? I made new friends, get over it. Jealous.
  • Jaskier and Ciri meet for the first time.
    Jaskier: The famous Child Surprise! I've heard so much— [Ciri walks past without a word] —about you. [to Geralt] Like father like daughter?
  • During the battle between Geralt, Yarpen's dwarves and a Nilfgaardian patrol, one dwarf beheads a Nilfgaardian soldier. The head goes flying and Jaskier catches it on instinct, before freaking out and tossing it aside with a yelp.

    Episode 8: Family 

  • Yennefer recruits Jaskier to help her with the possessed Ciri, and is seen rummaging through the Witchers' alchemy supples.
    Jaskier: Before you tell me what's going on, please tell me you're making a hangover cure, because my head feels like it's lodged between the buttocks of a fat and sexually rageful goat.

Other

    Previews 
  • This exchange:
    Jaskier: (following a mounted Geralt on foot) Do not tell me this is the moment you've decided to actually care about someone other than yourself?
    Geralt: Don't touch Roach!
    (Jaskier then sheepishly keeps his hands away from the horse)

    Promotional Material 

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