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Funny / The Witcher

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  • Outside the first inn, Geralt can talk to a Viziman herbalist who is understandably scared of the deadly Catriona plague ravaging the Temerian capital.
    Peddler: To be safe, I avoid any who appear even slightly ill. Aren't you afraid?
    Geralt of Rivia: I'm immune to infectious diseases.
    Peddler: My grandfather claimed the same, insisting all the while that his bubonic ulcers were merely boils.
    Geralt: May the ground lay lightly upon him.
  • This priceless exchange between Geralt and Zoltan, upon meeting each other for the first time in years.
    Zoltan: Geralt?! Is that you? Well I'll be damned!
    Geralt: Something wrong? You don't look well, are you hurt?
    Zoltan: True to a Witcher. Died, came back to life, nobody's seen him for five years, and he wants to know whether something's wrong.
    Geralt: Who are you?
    Zoltan: You drunk? I'm your pal, Zoltan Chivay! Where have you been, why haven't I heard from you, what about - ?
    Geralt: Not sure I can explain much.
    Zoltan: Ah... You don't need to tell Zoltan Chivay anything. Let's just say I'm glad to see you, though it would be nice to resolve some matters...
    Geralt: You misunderstood. I lost my memory. I only remember the last few weeks.
    Zoltan: Hm. Know what, Geralt? Let's have a beer! And talk like we used to. Clear your mind and maybe some things will come back to ya.
  • During one of the nights when Geralt is patrolling the outskirts, he can step up to save the young, nubile Vesna Hood from rape at the hands of a gang of bandits. We get this absolutely killer line just before the dance commences.
    Butch: Piss off, whitey. No monsters here.
    Vesna Hood: Don't have the balls to fight a witcher, Butch?
    Butch: Shut it, woman! I'll show you balls, heheh!
    Geralt of Rivia: You're apt to lose those shortly.
  • Whenever people drink. Which is a lot. Geralt's reactions to Dandelion's ramblings at The New Narakort are especially hilarious.
    • Try and enter Shani's house after having a drinking contest with Thaler and...
    Granny: WHAHT?! YOU — DRUNK!
    Geralt: (completely smashed) Not truuuuue...
    • In the outskirts, the repugnant merchant Odo ask Geralt to kill two killer plants that are in his garden. What follows is a long drinking session where Geralt tries to negotiate a better price for his services. It ends with Geralt, as drunk as the Lord, trying to cut down the echinopsae in the middle of the night while it buckets it down. After they've spent all day downing liquors.
  • This exchange between Geralt and Jethro when the witcher notices the jailor is a barely functioning addict.
    Geralt: I've heard the best way to take Fisstech is to roll the skin back and rub.
    Jethro: (slurred) Where do you rub?
    Geralt: (in an "are you fucking kidding me tone") Where you can roll back the skin.
  • Shani's party. All three iterations, depending on whether you invite Zoltan, Siegfried or Carmen.
  • This exchange when Geralt talk to the lumberjack's leader:
    Yaren Bolt: No, we scare off woodpeckers. Of course we're responsible. We're lumberjacks!
  • One of your sidequest is getting rid of a wraith. Geralt has a chance to fight ghouls on the way to the cemetery and that perticuliar wraith will come to your aid if you're having trouble!
  • The Trade Quarter's butcher in Chapter III offers you gossip on various characters, including the pearl that most of the city's ladies know that Geralt will chase anything in a skirt and is as liable to whip out his silver sword as he is his... steel sword of course! When asked about Triss Merigold, he offers this:
    Butcher: A sorceress's place is in the tower, brewing POTIONS and devising horoscopes from STARS...! Rather than meddling in politics. Furthermore, she's SHAMELESS to display her ARSE in such PROVOCATIVE ATTIRE!
  • When Geralt is asked to recover a secret letter for Thaler during "The Posh Reception" mission, one of the highborn guests decides to get a little uppity with our favourite monster-slayer as he rifles through a chest to find said document.
    Nobleman: Why are you here?!
    Geralt of Rivia: Huh? I wa - I was looking for the privy.
    Nobleman: In that box?!
    Geralt: This is none of your business. Get lost.
    Nobleman: How dare you! Do you know who I am?!
    Nobleman: (terrified) Ahem, I - I must be going.
    • The alternative path for this scene is just as hilarious, as Geralt decides to admit his lie and then claim he was looking for more to drink. The nobleman agrees with this much more readily.
  • When you're given an assignment that will take you back to the swamp from the previous chapter.
    Leuvaarden: Our spies say there's a Salamandra camp in the swamps. The herbs are harvested, then conducted to another base in Vizima's Temple Quarter.
  • The Witcher's response to the Professor's 'intellectual' ranting.
    Geralt: Just shut the fuck up!
  • When Geralt talks to the Fisher King. The man speaks only in grunts, but Geralt is completely calm and asks detailed questions. The best part is when every response is a "mhm" until the Witcher asks if the villagers are getting along with the Vodyanoi. The Fisher King's response? A long "ooh..."
    • And then, the Witcher provokes him to say a few words with an insult. The result? The man acts very mildly insulted and showcases the language of a classy British gentleman.
  • Even the otherwise awesome CGI intro manages to fit one in.
    Geralt: Boo!
    (Striga!Adda runs away squealing)
  • The Lady of the Lake asks Geralt for a compliment. His attempt at praising her wisdom and virtue is practically laughed off. An attempt to compare her eyes to starlight is found to be insulting. Geralt finally attempts: "your ass puts others to shame." She really likes that.
  • You know that annoying grandma who constantly chases you out of Shani's house? After the party in Act II, you can talk to her, and she'll yell at you for having your way with Shani (if you did), and you can respond with: "die, hag!" And then she lets out a scream, her neck stretches like Mr. Fantastic as she rears back dramatically and simply drops dead from an implied aneurysm or stroke: now that's one hilarious way to kill off a character everybody hated. See it for yourself here!
    • The alternative line is for Geralt to claim that he didn't bed Shani because witcher mutations cause impotence and asexuality, which is funny by virtue of how gratuitously untrue it is. She buys it instantly.
  • The scene where Kalkstein mistakenly assumes that the young lady of the night Carmen, who needs a potion for curing the lycanthropy of her beloved, is a virgin (which she, given her profession, assuredly is not). The final necessary ingredient of the potion is virgin's tears. Geralt says he has no idea where to find such a rarity and Kalkstein insists that since she's an unmarried girl, she must be his best bet. It is funny enough when Geralt groans in exasperation and tells Kalkstein he needs to get out more. But then a fridge moment sinks in... Why didn't Kalkstein offer up his own tears? Think on that for a moment.
    • Even funnier if you read Lesser Evil. There is a conversation between Geralt and Stregobor in the story that boils down to a statement that alchemical and magical recipes are often overengineered on purpose. So the tears don't have to come from a virgin after all...
  • While investigating a Salamandra base in the Trade Quarter Geralt walks in on several Salamandra thugs and a Salamandra Mage trying to use a magic mirror to call king Radovid for support, the conversation sounds like people arguing while watching an old tv set with the mage acting like the guy trying to tune the tv antenna via casting spells on the mirror.
  • When you talk to the inkeeper in Murky Waters he'll say that two bandits stole his best alcohol and that he'll give Geralt a magical artifact if he gets it back before admitting that it was a joke and leaning on the fourth wall by saying he got it from a game he was playing.
  • At the start of the epilogue Geralt runs into Dandelion who is writing a ballad based on current events and replacing Foltest's dialogue with Purple Prose, Geralt notes that Foltest actually just compared the situation to a brothel on fire, made funnier because Foltest used that analogy during an earlier conversation and keeps coming back to it.