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Funny / The Weekenders

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  • Pretty much any time anyone snarks.
  • All of Tish and Lor's interactions in "Crush Test Dummies". Including the scene with Tish's love poem.
    Tish: "My love is like a paramecium, it divides and reproduces. It's covered with wriggling hair-like cilia and full of high-protein juices."
    Lor: Uuuuhh... uuuhh..
    Tish: What part didn't you like?
    Lor: The part where you were talking.
  • In "Grow Up", Tino's mother is perfectly okay with kidnapping her own son.
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  • Tino's metaphors. "Dramatic Irony bites like a rabid monkey" anyone?
  • In "Dixon", Tino gives a heart-felt speech about how the sunset gives him hope that things will work out for the best...and then Carver asks if he thinks that means they'll fix the Ferris wheel soon.
    Tino: I hope so. We've been stuck up here almost an hour.
    • This line:
    Dixon: You know, I heard the only works of man that can be seen from space are the Great Wall of China, and you trying to get me together with your mom.
    • Later:
    Tino: Mom, I don't know if you noticed, but I was sort of trying to force you and Dixon together earlier.
    Mrs. Tonitini: Huh? Really. Gosh, I didn't notice at all, because my head was encased in a block of wax.
  • In "Best", Tino visits the sloth exhibit at the zoo when he's depressed about not winning any yearbook superlatives:
    Tino: I might as well be that sloth! I have done nothing memorable in my entire life! I am the sloth! The sloth is I! I am one with the sloth!
    Lor: He's losing it...
    Tino: What will I be remembered for? What will be my legacy?
    (cuts to a dream sequence, where the kids are at their middle school reunion as adults)
    Girl: I just love your fabulous new line of shoes, Mr. Descartes!
    Guy: Tish, your book on advanced astrophysics was positively gripping!
    Other Girl: Lor! Congratulations on winning the quintathalon at the Mars Nanosports Games!
    Adult!Carver: Hey, Tino!
    Adult!Tish: Hey, what have you been up to?
    Adult!Tino: Oh, big stuff! Big stuff! Lots of heavy deals goin' down...
    Adult!Lor: Still selling nonstick muffin pans door to door?
    Adult!Tino: Yeah... But, hey, I sold a muffin pan to President Shvenderman! And there he is now!
    (we see Adult!Bluke being escorted by the Secret Service)
    Adult!Bluke: I've been President for months! When do I get my white horse?
    Secret Service Agent: That's White House, sir...
    Adult!Bluke: Oh. Can I have another cookie?
    (the dream sequence ends)
    Tino: Ah! I can't let this happen! From this day forward, I will start my life anew! I will no longer be a nobody! I will focus all my energies on getting voted Best..."Something" next year! And let it be known: I will never eat muffins again!
    Zookeeper: Hey, get down off that wall! You're panicking the sloths!
    (Tino looks over at the sloths and sees them staring at him blankly)
    • When Tino is fretting about what award he will get in the yearbook.
    Lor: No, Chloe Montez always wins that one.
  • "To Tish":
    • Carver keeps calling Tino "pumpkin pie".
      Tish: If I call Tino "Pumpkin Pie", pretty soon everyone will doing it.
      Tino: Don't sweat it. This kind of thing never catches on.
      Carver: You tell her Pumpkin Pie.
      Tino: DO NOT!

      Carver: Pumpkin Pie is right.
      Tino: You are teetering on the precipice with that Pumpkin Pie thing, my friend!!!
      Carver: Precipice? Man, you are dishin' the Tish.

      Carver: I know exactly what you mean, Pumpkin Pie.
      Tino: Enough with the Pumpkin Pie! Man! It's like you're saying "Tino, please put these chili fries down my pants!"

      Carver: Alright, do your "Final Thoughts" thing, Pumpkin P—
      Tino: DESIST!
      • Tino's "chili fries" line is especially memorable, since the Disney Channel used to have a promo bumper that used a snippet of it completely out of context, making it sound like Tino was excitedly asking Carver to dump chili fries down his pants.
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    • After Tish hears everyone saying her name as an adjective one too many times.
      Tish: I'm going home before I'll say something I'll regret.
      Lor: Like what?
      Tish: Like you're a bunch of insensitive guttersnipes.
      Carver: She definitely would've regretted that.
      Tino: Oh yeah.
      Lor: Good thing she didn't say it.
    • Then that bit where it's even caught on with her favorite television show.
    • This exchange:
      Carver: Ah, she's being too sensitive. I mean, it's not that annoying...
      (Frances comes walking down the sidewalk)
      Frances: Tishy Tishy Tishy Tishy, Whoo-whoo! Tishy Tishy Tishy Tishy, Whoo-whoo!
      Carver: It's that annoying.
  • "The Awful Weekend" has this gem:
    Lor: I heard the dinosaurs are SO realistic, you can't tell the real ones from the robots! (pause) Ooohh...
    • Lor dishes up another one in the final scene.
    (To Tino) Hey; can I have a nickel? My pockets are stuck together.
  • "The Talent Show":
    Tish: I don't have a jealous bone in my body!
    Carver: Um, do you have any jealous internal organs?
    Tish: NO!
    Carver: Tish, you're the only one who can help Lor. You have all the qualifications: talent, creativity and the desire to tell people how to run their lives.
    • Lor repeatedly saying "Cantaloupe" instead of "Antelope" when singing "Home on the Range".
  • "Dinner Party":
    • Tish wants to have a "sophisticated dinner-party", which the others are trying to get out of:
      Lor: Now, all we have to do is let Princess (Carver's dog) lick us on the lips. We come down with some kinda "dog flu" and have to go to the veterinary E.R! It's foolproof.
      Carver: I think I'm gonna pass on this, for the obvious reason THAT I'M NOT INSANE!
      Tino: Guys, why don't we should just go, as a favor to Tish?
      Carver: Yeah, maybe we should go...
      Lor: Monkfish liver pate!
      Carver: I'm kissin' the dog!
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    • Tino: I think I had konnichiwa in a sushi bar.
    • Lor: I'll go get chairs! I think there's some in Mexico!
    • Bluke turning up to the magician's cape to the Dinner Party. Which still have doves in it.
  • Tino's face disappears right before Carver says "Guys! Tino's broken." in "Cry".
    • This exchange:
      Tish: Our best friend is turning into a robot!
      Lor: And not even a cool laser-blasting robot! More like hydrant with legs.
    • When they're trying to get Tino to crack up and show emotions:
      Carver: Tino! I heard on the internet that Chum Bucket just broke up!
      Tino: Whatever.
      (Lor comes over holding a newspaper)
      Lor: Tino! A bunch of baby dolphins got trapped in a fishing net!
      Tino: Whatever.
      Tish (weeping): I spilled my Chug-a-Freeze!
      Tino: Whatev...okay, that wouldn't be that sad, even if I had emotions!
      Tish: Of course it is! I ruined a twenty-dollar blouse!
      Tino: Whatever.
    • Later:
      Lor: Hey, T! Fractal Man could beat up Captain Dreadnought!
      Tino: Whatever.
      Lor: Scooter the Happy Pony could beat up Captain Dreadnought!
      Tino: You're probably right.
      Lor: A small bundle of twigs could beat up Captain Dreadnought!
      Tino: One never knows.
      Lor: GAH!
      Carver: You know what? Forget you, Tino! I never really liked you anyway!
      (Tino holds up a piece of paper)
      Tino: Nice try. But you left your script on the coffee table, Olivier.
      (Tish reads from the script)
      Tish: "Fogret you, Tino. I never rooly liked you...omiwag"?
      Carver: My handwriting's getting better, don't you think?
    • Later, at the end of the episode:
      Tino: And Captain Dreadnought could beat up Fractal Man, Scooter the Happy Pony, a small bundle of twigs, and...your daddy! Oh, yeah! How you like them apples?
      Carver: Why did we want his emotions back?
      Tish: I cannot recall.
    • And earlier on when Tish is trying to comfort him over crying in class.
      Tish: I think it's great that you appreciate Shakespeare enough to publicly disgrace...yourself.
    • This episode's normal meeting at the pizza place has it going with the pizza being printed off by computers. Carver begins clicking a lot to get extra-extra-extra-extra-extra cheese, and the conversation continues as the pizza is being made. At the end of the scene, the pizza starts to print off...and jams. Cue Carver's Skyward Scream.
      Carver: Curse you, modern technology! CURSE YOUUUUUUU!
  • "Good thing you don't want to be cool, rich and popular!" note 
  • An episode where everyone resolves to make friends outside the group gives Tish an Imagine Spot where she and Frances dance around in a field singing "I like pointy things!" over and over.
  • Tino's mother trying to make a necklace out of beads (and failing):
    Mrs. Tonitini: My bead crafts class is Thursday and if I don't show up with something they'll start calling me "Ten Thumbs Tonitini" again.
    Tino: Bead craft ladies can be so cruel.
    Mrs. Tonitini: There, it's a pretty necklace.
    The beads all fall out
    Tino: You want me to leave now so you can say bad words?
    Mrs. Tonitini: That'd be great, thanks.
  • When Carver comes home to relieve Lor of babysitting his little brother.
    Lor: This is not a child. This is a 10 on the Richter Scale.
  • Tino and his friends meet his mother's boyfriend's daughter Moira and she's wearing Tommy Hugo shoes.
    Carver: Ssh, I'm picturing our children.
    Tino: Snap out of it, man!
    Carver: Now I'm picturing our children's shoes.
  • Jennifer Love Hewitt's absolutely random appearance in "My Punky Valentine" where she tries to get Tino to develop a crush on her, Carver gives her a dollar to get the bus home and she pops up at the end begging to close the show.
    JLH: Later days...(giggling) I sound like such a dork.
  • Lor imagines herself as a research scientist.
    "If I combine these two solutions there is a 74.6% chance of blowing up the Earth and a 26.4% of making intelligent cheese"
  • The gang tries to get Tish to realize her new hairdo is awful without telling it to her face. Here are the ways they tried:
    • A note written by Carver...
      Tish: (reading the note) "Tish, you are making a big mistake with your...frog"
      Tino: How could she have gotten 'frog' out of 'hair'?
      Lor: I thought you said your handwriting had gotten better.
      Carver: It has gotten better. 9/10 words were readable.
      Tish: Frog? Of course! My science project! (looking over her analysis) How could I have made a mistake?
    • A phone call to Tish's house.
      Tino: (putting on an incredibly fake British accent) Hello, I wonder if you might deliver a message to your daughter. (beat) My name is of no consequence.
      Tish's Mom: Tishy, old woman on telephone wants to purchase your hair. I say no thank you and good day to you ma'am.
      Hangs up
      Tino: (still in British accent) Hello? Hello? I shall report you to Scotland Yard!
      • Tish was still looking over her project during this scene.
    • Each holding up a sign while hiding behind her fence. Together, they read: "Tish, your hair is the pits!"note 
  • "Broken":
    • Carver tells Tino to let him ride his scooter. Tino steps down while protesting.
      Lor: (to Tino) You have pretty good posture for someone without a backbone.
    • This dialogue:
      Lor: Say Carver, let us see if you can read my mind. I am thinking of a number between 1 and scooter.
      Carver: No idea. Let's see if you can read my mind.
      (Lor groans and gives Carver her chili cheese fries)
      Carver: Exactly right. Tino, can I borrow your napkin?
      Tino: No, you may not! Because frankly, I have no idea what condition it'll be in when you return it!
      (Tino storms out with his napkin. A confused Carver looks at the girls who just smile sheepishly)
    • When Tino imagines what would happen if he reminded Carver to fix his scooter for the parade.
      • (Scenario 1)
      Tino: Carver, you forgot to fix my scooter!
      Carver: For the love of Heaven, stop nagging me! I hate you! You're just like my sister!
      • (Scenario 2)
      Tino: Uh, Carve? About the scooter-
      • (Scenario 3)
      Tino: I hate to bother you, but, have you gotten around to my scooter, yet?
      Carver: I said I'd fix it in time for the parade, and I will! ...Next year's parade! (evil laugh with organ music playing in the background)
      • Back to reality:
      Mrs. Tonitini: Did you just go to that pink place in your head again?
      Tino: This time it was blue.
    • Rather than just fess up to Carver, Tino devises a plan:
      Tino: *clasping his hands and grinning evilly* I'm going to go down to the parade and give him dirty looks. Really, really DIRTY LOOKS!
  • Carver's response to Tino in the Father's Day episode. Tino's feeling emotional, and calls him on the phone in the middle of the night, starts talking, gets no response from him, until:
    Carver: Can't talk now. So tired I smell colors.
  • From the episode "The Invited":
    Tish: I guess I'll just...go to the bathroom.
    Carver: Surprisingly, the law no longer requires that you announce it to everyone.
  • "Radio Free Carver":
    Tino: Tish is right, Carve. You have to get back on the horse that threw you.
    Carver: It didn't just throw me. It kicked me and trampled me, and left me broken and bleeding in a shallow ditch at the side of the road.
    Tino: Wow, colorful.
    • Later:
      Tino: This is a little game that my mom and I play when I obsess about stuff too much.
      Lor: Dude, when are you not obsessing about stuff too much?
      Tino: OK, so we play it a lot. It's called "The worst thing that could happen".
      Tish: Sounds cheery.
      Tino: And here's how it goes. You ask yourself 'What's the worst thing that could happen?' over and over, until you realize that the stuff you're imagining is so dumb that it isn't even worth worrying about. So, Carve. Imagine the worst thing that could happen if you went back on the radio.
      Carver: Well, I could go in. Totally choke. Really bad. Get suspended from school, get kicked out by my parents, hop a freight train out west, get arrested for being a hobo and end up on a chain gang with a guy named Lenny who calls me George and keeps talking about the rabbits.
      • The second exchange prompts Tino to declare Carver should never use his imagination ever again.
  • "Lor's Will":
    Lor: So, where's Tish?
    Tino: stuck in the toilet.
    Carver: Lost in a flood.
    Tino: German measles.
    Carver: Dot ate her car.
    Tino: Joined the Dixie Chicks and moved to Nashville.
    Lor: Guys, next time could you agree on a lie before you come in?
    • Lor overreacting about her knee surgery, fearing that "IT'S A DEATH SENTENCE!". Her friends tried and failed to reassure her. Leading to an Imagine Spot, where the doctor is about to perform the surgery blindfolded when aliens suddenly invade, using the surgical laser to fight them off.
      Lor: (back to reality) BUT WHAT ABOUT MY KNEE?!
      Lor's dad: (rushes into the room with a stack of pillows) I'm here for you kiddo. Regular or goose down?
      Lor: (to her friends) He means well.
    • On the day of her surgery, Tino gives Lor a "Get Well Soon" balloon to cheer her up. But it accidentally float out of the open window.
      Tino: Well that was cheery, huh?
  • "Laundry Day"; Lor has left her entire family's clothes at a Laundromat despite Tish's many objections.
    Tish: Lor, shouldn't we be heading back to the Laundromat? Your family's clothes have been sitting there for hours, what if someone takes them?
    Lor: Ah, they'll be fine! Quit worrying!
    Tish: Oh, I am doomed to be like Cassandra: predicting future disasters but never believed by others!
    Lor: Cassandra Merten from math class?!
    Tish (Clearly annoyed) Never mind!
    • While at the laundromat the first time, there was a woman repeatedly reminding people to watch their loads. When Lor and the others return to find her family's clothing gone, the woman explains that any clothing that isn't watched for a certain duration of time is automatically donated to the local shelter. Lor is less then pleased.
      Lor: Who are you, the Robin Hood of the laundromat?!
      Woman: (smiles) Call me Lucille.
  • Most of "Party Planning", but a few moments stand out.
  • A memorable bit of self-deprecating Leaning on the Fourth Wall in "Careers":
    (Tino has just gotten back the results of a career aptitude test, saying that he should be an "Announcer")
    Tino: I'm thinking, like, one of those guys on TV! "Up next, a very special episode of Teen Canyon!" Or, "Tonight, on Action Flash News: Are your socks killing you?" Or maybe I could do cartoon voices!
    Tish: Perfect. It involves talking a lot and not doing anything...
    Tino: I know! Isn't it great?
  • Cringe Comedy abounds in "Tino's Dad" when Tino's dad eats with Tino, his ex-wife and Dixon...especially when Dixon and Tino's dad begin bond over Tino's mom's weird food.
    • Tino's dad is hilarious in general as are his interactions with Tino and his ex-wife.
  • On the subject of Tino's mom's food:
    Tino: If I showed you a picture of a chicken, could you point to where the "lumpette" would be?
    Mrs. Tonitini: (chuckles) I could, but you wouldn't like it. (walks out)
  • Oh, look. It's Martin Van Buren.
    Martin van Buren (whilst riding a small model train): Down with the cotton gin! DOWN WITH THE COTTON GIN!
  • Carver's segment and his attempts to spice it up in "The Worst Holiday Ever".
  • This exchange from "Pudding Ball" has Tino/Tish and Lor/Carver on opposing teams:
    Carver: You guys are toast!
    Tino: Well you're double toast!
    Lor: You're triple toast!
    Tino: French toast?
    Tish (exhausted): (sighs) It's been a long day...
  • "Testing Dixon", where the kids surreptitiously try to test Dixon to see if he's fit to be Tino's stepdad, is full of funny moments.
    Carver: Okay, you know how my dad puts all these crazy limits on my eating?
    Tino: Like that "No more than one pie per sitting" rule?
    Carver: Exactly!
    • Tino testing Dixon to see how much junk food he'll let him eat, and Dixon's reaction:
    Tino: And for me, let's see... Eight corn-dogs, four orders of chili fries, and a ham.
    Dixon: Hold on there, slick! There's countries in Europe that don't eat that much.
  • In one episode, the pizza place's everchanging theme is China/Asia and as such, chopsticks are provided. The kids attempt to use them with absolutely no success and Tino remarks that at least they're eating less junk food; Carver snarks "You say that like it's a good thing."
  • Tino is jumping to retrieve a movie from a shelf.
    Tino: Carver, I need a boost!
    Carver: Sure, no problem. (turns to face Tino and claps his hands) Go, go! You can do it! You're the best! Whoo-hoo!!


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