- The constant quibbling over points in series 1 episode 6, where Graeme Garden gets a point for saying he believes Denmark to be a small country, and later Sandi Toksvig tries to get a point for buzzing in on Dara O'Briain saying "Can you imagine a world without rats?" The latter becomes even funnier when Sandi says that she can imagine a world without rats, and Dara says "I didn't say "Sandi cannot imagine a world without rats"." Sandi says that if he does, she'll challenge...and then Dara continues his lecture with "No you can't."
- The end of series 4 episode 6. Tony Hawks had spent the entire episode buzzing in on any fact related to America and had been wrong every time. Graeme Garden, the fourth speaker, deliberately hammed up every mention of American cities and states in his lecture on the telephone, and Tony had buzzed in incorrectly every single time until, at the end of Graeme's lecture, the following exchange took place:
Graeme: And in...
Atlanta, Georgia...
[audience laughter]Tony: Did you
know I was booked for this show??
Graeme: ... it is illegal to tie a giraffe to a telephone pole.
Tony: I'm not going for that!
[buzzer] Oh, hang on, he is...
David Mitchell: Phill.
Phill Jupitus: I reckon it is!
[Beat]David: Yeah, you're right, Phill!
[much laughter from audience and panellists, followed by the sound of Tony leaving his chair, causing the laughter to redouble]David: Tony's, er...
[sounds of a piano offstage] Tony's, Tony's left, and he's- he's found a piano. He's playing
mournful tunes on the piano - oh, he's come back.
Tony: I don't think Phill will be able to sleep tonight!
- Unsurprisingly, Tony finished last with -5 points, while Phill won with +6 points.
- Discussing how wrong Isaac Newton was about everything else but gravity in series 5, episode 1:
David Mitchell: Basically, it's only a bit of luck that he saw the apple fall and he didn't think, "Ah! That proves ghosts!"
- "...Which I think adds to the general picture of Isaac Newton that we're building up, that he was an idiot."
- Charlie Brooker's Long List of things supposedly invented by Thomas Edison:
Charlie: He also invented a temporary canoe made of rice paper, an official uniform for wasps, the motorised tie-rack, four types of imaginary candelabra, a machine designed to pick up evidence of the afterlife, a helicopter that worked on gunpowder, the street luge, the cassette single or "casingle",
Honey Nut Cornflakes,
Metal Mickey,
C-3PO,
Max Headroom and
David Cameron.
note Of those, he only actually invented the machine to pick up evidence of the afterlife (correctly picked out by Fred MacAulay) and the helicopter that worked on gunpowder (successfully smuggled by Charlie). - Arthur Smith walking off the show in the last episode of series 7 in a fit of pique over an unawarded point, whereupon David Mitchell, sounding slightly disinterested, noted: "Arthur Smith has walked off the show, but fortunately at the point when it no longer mattered!" It then turned out that Arthur had won the show anyway. (Apparently, he walked back on when he was announced as the winner, but this is not evident in the recording.)
- Series 8 episode 5's Mondegreen Gag:
Henning Wehn: But once all the chickens were barbequed, there were no more eggs, only mass starvation.
David Mitchell [
mishearing]: I beg your pardon?!
Mark Watson: He said "mass starvation"! Two separate words!
[
Much laughter]
David: That's definitely the biggest laugh mass starvation has ever got!
- Henning Wehn abandoning his lecture on computers in Series 10 to give a rant about people impersonating him on Facebook. Arthur Smith gets a point for buzzing in on it. Made even funnier given that David's reaction and phrasing seems to imply that Henning genuinely did go off the rails, taking everyone by surprise.
Henning Wehn: The other thing computers are good for is setting up Facebook pages of second-rate German comedians without their consent.
[audience laughter] Meaning they have to spend hours of non-productivity writing to Mark Zuckerberg's criminal money-laundering organisation, with no success at all - apparently, it's fine for anyone to have their identity stolen by some half-wit, and have the breach of the basic human right to your own identity overseen by an unelected, power-hungry entrepreneur, who is unanswerable to the law
[buzzer] and doesn't possess an ounce of common decency
[repeated buzzing] and that's
exactly what Hitler wanted to do! [audience laughter and applause] But I tell you what - but even the Nazi Party wouldn't have had the nerve
[buzzer sounds repeatedly again; Henning's voice is rising in anger] to
steal my identity, and then
send me an automated e-mail asking me how satisfied I was with their customer service!
[audience applause]David Mitchell: Arthur.
Arthur Smith: Well, either Henning is one of the greatest actors in the world, or that is true.
Henning: It so is.
David: Well, yes, I think you get a point there, Arthur, yes.
Arthur: Can I just say, Henning, I thought it was quite a funny idea at the time, and I'm sorry.
- Tony Hawks' lecture on gambling in Series 10 leads to a hilarious digression on the notion that only humans kill each other.
David Mitchell: I thought... I thought what some people said - and by "some people", I mean, basically, y'know, hippies - is that- is that, y'know, whereas humans, we have, like, the
First World War, animals, they'll- they'll fight a bit for territory, but they won't let it get too far. They won't let it get to actual death.
Lucy Porter: But they do eat their own children, David.
David: Who do?
Tony Hawks: Animals.
Lucy: Animals. I've seen it. Hamsters eat their own children.
David: That definitely counts as killing each other, eating your own children.
Tony: Chimpanzees, I think they murder each other as well.
David: (indignant) Well, what have the hippies been
saying to me!?
Tony: Look, I don't believe that you
know any hippies, David!
David: Look, I went- I went- I know lots of hippies.
Ed Byrne: David thinks
I'm a hippie 'cause my hair is long. He doesn't know what a hippie is. He thinks- he thinks Robert Webb is a hippie.
Tony: Right, I've forgotten where I was now.
David: Robert Webb
is a hippie. I mean, for God's sake, he used to have an earring!
- In the final episode of series 11, Tony Hawks gets a piano (for part of his lecture on pianos), and hits three different notes, claiming them all to be 'middle C'.note The notes in question were, in order, a high C, a low C, and the D above middle C. Ed Byrne buzzes in and says "Are you kidding me?", whereupon it turns out David is relying entirely on Tony to even know if he'd played middle C at all.
- In the first episode of series 12, the subject of Ed Byrne's lecture is David Mitchell himself. It goes much as you'd expect it to and is hilarious from the moment that Mitchell introduces the lecture with obvious trepidation.
David Mitchell: Your subject, Ed, which I should point out here and now is entirely of Ed's own choosing and not one that I have in any way recommended or endorsed, is...me.
- For added points, David sounds genuinely embarrassed when reading some of the truths that got past the panellists.
- Episodes 5 and 6 of Series 13 featured the same panel, and both featured hilarious blue humour-tinged digressions courtesy of panellists Susan Calman and Miles Jupp.
- In Episode 5, Susan's lecture on Queen Victoria featured the following truth and analysis thereof:
Susan Calman: Me 'n' Vicks have so much in common. She was a woman who demonstrated wild emotion and wanton passion... as do I.
(buzz)David Mitchell: Miles.
Miles Jupp: At the end of that last sentence, she said the words, "As do I," in regards to demonstrating emotion and wanton passion, and I think we'd all agree, those of us who were in the green room prior to this recording...
(laughter from audience and other panellists) that, er, y'know, that is, er, indubitably the case. Wow. That was unbelievable, wasn't it.
Phill Jupitus: Yeah. Seriously.
Susan: You can't do this!
Sandi'll take away my membership!
note Susan Calman, like Sandi Toksvig, is openly lesbian.Phill: But Sandi's still back out there cleaning the pole down!
(loud laughter from audience and other panellists)David: Come on, guys. What happens in the green room stays in the green room.
Tony Hawks: Only 'cause they can't wash it off!
(laughter and applause from audience)David: I can't, er, give any points about the wantonness of either Susan or Queen Victoria. It would be quite wrong in a pre-watershed slot... and I use the word
"slot" advisedly.
- Episode 6 began with Tony Hawks' lecture on school, and the fact that a school for undressing (using burlesque dancers as models) had been opened in Manhattan in 1937 on the premise that "poor disrobing techniques" were leading to an increase in the divorce rate, leading to this discussion between Miles (who correctly guessed this to be a truth) and Susan:
Susan Calman: D'you think it matters how, if one is going to bed, if one has the promise of lying next to someone in a bed, does it matter how one removes the clothes? I mean, if I undressed clumsily, Miles, would you reject me?
Miles Jupp: I would think, "Susan is more than typically drunk." (laughter from the audience and panellists, loudest of all from Susan herself) "But- but not a lot more." (laughter redoubles)
- In the opening episode of Series 14, one of Josh Widdicombe's truths about letters was that the abbreviation "OMG" was first used in a letter to Winston Churchill in 1917, which David O'Doherty successfully spotted.note The letter in question was sent by retired First Sea Lord John Arbuthnot-Fisher, 1st Baron Fisher, and read "I hear that a new order of knighthood is on the tapis. OMG (Oh! My God!), shower it on the Admiralty!" Lloyd Langford then suggested that Adolf Hitler had written "Just invaded Poland. ROFL!" in 1939 - a joke which Josh revealed he had been about to tell as the final joke of his lecture. As he attempted to recover, David Mitchell joked, "We've heard how it went!" Josh gave up and said, "And there ends my lecture!"
- Series 14, Episode 3 has several:
- In Series 14, Episode 5, Josh Widdicombe's lecture on holes is derailed early on when Susan Calman buzzes in on his claim that short aristocrats would have a six-inch trench dug next to them so that their wives could wear high heels without being taller than their husbands; Susan, being only 4'11" tall, says she wants this to be true today. Josh then tries to get his lecture back on track, leading to an even more hilarious digression:
Josh Widdicombe: Right, to recap, er,
aristocarrots would have a six-inch hole-
David Mitchell: Yes,
Previously on…...
Josh: Previously, in
holes...
David O'Doherty: I think you just said "aristocarrots" there, which is, I think, a vegetable with a top hat.
(Susan Calman laughs uproariously) I'm really enjoying just thinking about it.
Susan Calman: I thought it was sweet when he said "aristocarrots"!
David Mitchell: Aristocarrots, let's- quite seriously, aristocarrots is marketing gold. That's- that's the must-have toy this Christmas. It's got the
Downton Abbey chic, it's got eating more healthily, come on! Aristocarrots, Lord Carrot, Lady Carrot, the little Carrots, the radish butler...
come on! We can't...we're wasting our time here, we need to be getting down to Mattel and pitching aristocarrots.
- Episode 6 of Series 14 featured the same panel as Episode 3 (Arthur Smith, Sarah Millican, Sandi Toksvig, and Graeme Garden), and provided further hilarity. At the end of Sarah's lecture on smells, David recites the undetected truths, and reveals a hidden talent:
David Mitchell: And the second truth is that gerbils can smell adrenaline, and as a result, the animals were installed in airport security areas to detect terrorists. MI5 originally planned to use gerbils in airports in the 1970s but dropped the scheme after it was discovered that gerbils could not tell the difference between terrorists and passengers who were just scared of flying.
Sandi Toksvig: I love this! Did they have a little hat as well? D'you think they had a little...
David: Tiny, officious gerbils. (falsetto voice) We'll have him!
Arthur Smith: Is that your impression of a gerbil, then?
David: That's my impression of a gerbil, yes.
Arthur: I thought it was rather good, can we hear it again?
David: (falsetto voice) No! (audience and panellists laugh) I smell fear! Arrest that man! (more laughter)
Arthur: Well, if everything else falls around you, you've got a job there!
- Episode 6 of Series 15 featured an all-woman panel of Katherine Ryan, Sarah Millican, Holly Walsh, and Victoria Coren-Mitchell. Hilarity ensues after Katherine successfully spots a truth in Victoria's lecture on Switzerland:
Sarah: Can I point when we play like this, when it's Victoria's turn, that it's
three of us against one? I'm really pleased that Katherine got a point.
Victoria: It's like being at school again.
Sarah: You're bringing it on yourself, love.
Katherine: And you
are sleeping with the teacher, in fairness.
(laughter from the audience and panel, including David) - Series 18, episode 3:
- David O'Doherty's lecture on bikes, including the made-up name of "Chris Vroom", and his purported belief people don't want to know how bicycles stand up because "da magic might go nay-nay", leading to a Brick Joke when Zoe Lyons buzzes in on people cheating in the Tour de France (incorrectly) by disguising a horse as a bicycle, and Marcus comments in that case, "He literally made the magic go neigh-neigh".
- David O'Doherty only gets into his first sentence when Marcus buzzes for people assuming bikes were kept up via sorcery. David suggests a more likely explanation is forward momentum, much to Zoe's astonishment, and David figures it's like how plates roll, causing Richard Osman to point out that literally is "saucery". Even David laughs at that one.
- David makes up more fake Tour de France winners, such as Alfredo Woosh and Jerome Nyonnnnng. He's understandably aghast when Marcus actually buzzes for that one, only to admit as he's saying it he's lost confidence.
David Mitchell: Jerome Nyonnnnng... doesn't exist.
David O'Doherty: The giveaway for me was the six ns in his name.
- David proceeds to the story of how A.A. Milne once swallowed two bees while cycling, and they survived and began producing honey. An already hesitant Marcus buzzes in before David's finished.
Marcus: Um...
David Mitchell: No, Marcus.
Marcus: But-
David: He didn't swallow two bees while cycling in Devon.
- At the beginning of Marcus's lecture on wines, the discussion turns to comforting babies with a rusk soaked in chardonnay. Then David O'Doherty makes up a "shadlieger" (shadley mixed with lieger).
David O'Doherty: As I was saying that, I was imagining receiving a bit international award for how clever that was.
David Mitchell: Your only mistake was to invent a new word for rusk.
- David Mitchell then asks the audience if they've heard of such a word. Resounding "no".
Marcus: In fairness, this audience is hardly tuned in. Before we started recording I saw a couple enjoying a Weetabix soaked in Port only moments before we began.
(audience laughs)
David Mitchell: You see, David, Weetabix. That exists!
- David buzzes for the fact about a woman in China being bitten by a snake that had survived three months in wine, if somewhat hesitantly and inarticulate, but David Mitchell confirms he's right.
David: "I'm being treated like a Weetabix!", it said, and everyone laughed, because Weetabix exists.
- Throughout the rest of the episode, David keeps buzzing in on things and being wrong. Over and over again.
David O'Doherty: I really thought I had the golden touch. I could just make things true by saying it assertively enough and... it's been proven to be wrong.
- Richard Osman's lecture on chocolate, where he tries reading off a Long List of chocolate bars that have rebranded and is buzzed for every. Single. One. And each one is wrong. After a while, he deadpans that he hasn't even finished his list yet.
David Mitchell: I should, before I answer, say it is not contractual that any of these things are true.
- At the beginning of Richard's lecture, he claims there's a chocolate made from Trump's "secret tears" which Zoe buzzes in on, on the grounds that having tasted American-made chocolate she could easily believe it was. It isn't true.
David: When this show started the whole idea of truths and lies it was quite a jolly area. Now it's deeply dark and totalitarian.
- Marcus's first buzz on Richard's lecture, namely that Snickers used to be called "Marathon" in America, mainly for David's reaction.
Marcus: That is definitely true. I remember them!
David: (wearily) Noooo...
- Marcus then insists that if facts are based on what happened elsewhere, it's hardly in keeping with the spirit of Brexit.
- Richard's final listed item is that Twix used to have the name of "Honestly How Can We Get Anyone To Buy This, Dave, It's Just Two Bits Of Biscuit With A Tiny Bit Of Chocolate On It. Honestly, I Swear This Is Actually Just A Biscuit. Let's Just Call It A Twix And Hope For The Best."
David O'Doherty: I'm not falling for that.
Richard: Alright.
- Then he claims Winona Ryder keeps a pack of Reece's Pieces in her pyjamas "to turn into a magnificent horse in her dreams".
(moment of silence, followed by a buzz)
David Mitchell: Oh, David, yes! Thought you were a bit late on that one. No, it's not true.
- Richard claims one of the tips for giving up chocolate includes lizard saliva. Marcus duly buzzes and is incredulous at himself for even doing it. ... and he turns out to be right.
- Series 18, episode 4:
- David explaining the side effects of Viagra affect the rods in human eyes, causing him to chortle about how it works on all the rods in a human body.
- During Zoe Lyons's lecture, she's buzzed, and David asks Zoe what her challenge was because he apparently saw Zoe's light go off. Richard Osman then asks if David took some V before the show started.
- Series 18, episode 5:
- During Mark Steel's lecture on how Oliver Cromwell loved banning things, Holly Walsh buzzes in for one and is told it's wrong. She tries defending it by saying Mark said swearing was banned, and proves how it was repealed.
Holly: He said swearing was banned, but there's still a lot of swearing, you
[bleep].
- Frankie Boyle claims that astronauts learn to swim in pools so that if a jobby goes by, they can ignore it.
- In Episode 1 of Series 19:
- When Arthur Smith's lecture about cows gets to how T.H. Lawrence had a pet cow he took everywhere and wrote poetry about, David takes particular exception to his describing her as "cowy".
David: (matter-of-factly) I've always said T.H. Lawrence was crap. I would like to say, "other writers are available."
- Lou Sanders' facts about Arnold Schwarzenegger include the claim that he turned down the title role in The Incredible Hulk (1977) because he thought he was too good-looking for the part; David explains that the reality is the producers passed him over as they felt he wasn't tall enough at 6'2", the role instead going to the 6'5" Lou Ferrigno. Cue the 6'7" Richard Osman declaring "Hmm, both tiny!"
David Mitchell: I mean, if only you'd been around at that casting...
- During Richard's lecture on dolphins, his Long List this week includes terms for dolphin hybrids. Lou buzzes in on how a human-dolphin hybrid is called "a serious breach of professional ethics", which is technically true save for one slightly crucial detail Lou seems to have overlooked. David is flat-footed and takes a moment to recover.
- From Series 19, episode 2, the entire discussion about the word they can only use on BBC Radio 4 three times a day... which David manages to burn through merely saying how they can't say it.
- Series 19, episode 3:
- In Lloyd's lecture on dinosaurs, Henning buzzes for the original actor for Barney the Dinosaur since he has no idea what Barney is, and thinks it's something to do with The Flintstones. David's response is just wondering about how Henning pronounces it as "Flin-stuhns", making them sound like a family from somewhere in the Home Counties (David also has no idea what Barney is either).
- At the end of Lloyd's lecture, David brings up how most of the dinosaurs from Jurassic Park aren't actually from the Jurassic. "Other scientific errors include: Everything else."
- During Ellie Taylor's lecture on cakes, Henning buzzes in on her claim the Duchess of Cornwall eats icing straight from the tub, causing David to remark his interior monologue seems unmuted, before getting weird about it himself.
David: As far we know, she doesn't. She doesn't even eat huge quantities of chocolate icing like a normal person. She's all stuck up, eating cucumber sandwiches in moderation.
- Lloyd gets confused as to whether the Duchess of Cornwall is Kate or Camilla (it's the later), and Henning just chimes in with "she's on the booze, isn't she?", setting David off again.
David: She just drinks white wine in moderation! Stuck-up cow!
(laughter and applause from the audience)
David: Uh... Ellie.
- When Ellie claims cake has the same effect on an athlete as performance enhancers, Lloyd buzzes in, prompting a baffled David to ask him if he's ever had cake.
- After John states, and David confirms, that honey is basically bee vomit, Ellie comments that this essentially makes the Honey Monster terrifying.
- John then claims he could make his own honey and bring it in. "And once you've tasted Finnemore honey, you'll never go back." David then retorts "you've said that before."
John: (feigning tears) I'm really touched you remember.
(laughter, including from David)
- John then claims bees cannot fly. Henning buzzes in on the logic of "well, they are heavy." David is uncertain, because he's never tried to lift one, and Henning gets more weird, trying to cite physics.
David: I think you underestimate how rigorous physics has become.
- John finishes his lecture with a truly epic tongue twister about several bees, after which Lloyd buzzes for something he said before that (bees help police find serial killers), but since it was a whole poem ago he doesn't get the point. The audience goes "aww!" and David warns he might take a point off for that. Cue a single "yay!"
- Series 20, episode 1:
- In John Finnemore's lecture on police, Henning buzzes for police dogs outranking their handlers (wrongly). When David notes that this is the general system around the world, he adds it's why animals don't have the vote. Henning chimes in that he doesn't either. After this, Lou Sanders notes that Graeme (as is his way) isn't buzzing in on stupid guesses.
David: Yes, Graeme, why aren't you buzzing in on stupid guesses?
Graeme: I'm waiting for the correct one.
- John continues on, describing Germany's favourite buddy cop show, Spite und Wendski. One follows the rules and is by the book, and the other... is the same.
John: Typically the crime is solved in the first five minutes and the rest of the episode is taken up with the correct filing and filling out of paperwork.
Henning: How it should be!
- Henning's lecture on submarines begins, as they so often do, with him saying they were invented by Jesus... to keep an eye on Noah. Then Lou buzzes in on this one.
Lou: In a way, all things were invented by Jesus.
- After some more Henning weirdness, Lou raises the idea of what if Henning wasn't actually German at all, and merely putting on a tremendous act. David claims he is, but it's just Henning's natural Geordie accent is even more impenetrable. Henning then tries doing a Geordie accent.
- Continuing, Henning claims the worst time for British subs was during the Battle of May Island in WW 1, where three submarines ran aground when they weren't even fighting. John buzzes in because "that sounds like us."
- For Lou's lecture on books, she claims they used to be bound in human skin until people realised paper was cheaper and less gross. John buzzes in, having misheard "books" as "book". Then Graeme buzzes in because "there's more than one book." A flustered David gives them both the points since he felt Graeme's point is so pedantic it deserved it.
- At the end of Lou's lecture David reads out a review on a book whose name she smuggled past the panel, "The Big Book of Lesbian Horse Stories", with the reviewer apparently taking issue with A: it "not being as arousing as the title would have you believe", and B: the fact the book is "no larger than a regular book of lesbian horse stories".
- Series 20, episode 4:
- During John Finnemore's lecture on the Rolling Stones, Henning gets confused between Cliff Richard and Keith Richards, repeating the former's name four times to "decline" it.note Specifically, using the nominative, genitive, dative, and accusative cases - of which the second is "Cliff Richard's" and the others are "Cliff Richard". John warns that if he says it one more time, the man will appear.
- Henning's lecture on vegetarianism, which starts off differently from his usual ones.
Henning: Vegetarianism was invented... (audience starts laughing) by Satan.
- Not that Jesus doesn't get a mention anyway, as the first vegetarian. Lou Sanders buzzes in, prompting an aghast Henning to point out he ate fish.
- During Lou's lecture on eggs, John buzzes on Chinese Virgin Boy Eggs and the bizarre description of how they're made that otherwise it'd be a really bizarre thing to say. He's right.
- Reading out the temporary lyrics Paul McCartney wrote for "Yesterday", David gets cheered, and John suggests he actually sing them. David refuses point blank.
John: I think everyone wants to hear you sing those lyrics.
David: Yeah, well. You don't always get what you want.
John: Did you just make a music reference?!
David: Only by accident.
- Series 21, episode 2:
- Richard Osman's lecture on sleep gets buzzed quickly by David O'Doherty, who figures Richard must be automatically correct on any sleep-related facts due to being on Pointless.
Richard: So early, too.
- Firing back, Richard lists one of the easiest ways to get to sleep as being attending one of David's shows. Susan buzzes in for one of his other suggestions, namely dipping your genitals in warm milk (with the acknowledgement that, as a woman, this would be difficult for her). When this, and his other suggestions turn out to be true, David suggests that by process of elimination, the bit about his shows must be true.
David Mitchell: This paragraph is absolute carnage.
David O'Doherty: By process of elimination, it's people who come to my shows.
Richard: I mean, it's worth buzzing, right? ... tickets still available, I presume?
(mix of laughs and boos from audience)
David Mitchell: This is - this is - this is turning into a really horrible evening. So...
Susan: This show has really changed since last time I did it!
David: Well, it's the state of the world. Trump and Brexit, everyone's turned into an arsehole!
- Continuing, the conversation turns to the amount of time Margaret Thatcher spent asleep, with Holly Walsh and Susan digressing into how Susan's amount of time sleeping was compared to Thatcher's, and then when Holly suggests how weird it would've been for Margaret to compare herself to Susan...
Susan: I reckon she would've killed herself because I'm a lezzer.
(audience laughs, and then)
Richard: I'm gonna say that's true.
- David warns ahead of time in his lecture that some elements of personal experience may leak in, and sure enough, his lecture ends with him suddenly mentioning that as evil as all dictators have been, none have ever been evil enough to destroy a painting, eat part of it, then regurgitate it into someone's chilli just before a date.
- As David introduces Henning Wehn at the beginning of Episode 4 of Series 21, Henning draws attention to the Hypocritical Humour of mocking the Germans for their performance in the 2018 FIFA World Cup:
David Mitchell: Henning is from Germany. You know, the country that didn't make it out of the group stages at the last World Cup.
Henning Wehn: How- how- how about the one before that?
note In 2014, Germany not only made it out of the group stage but won the whole tournament. England finished last in their group, while Scotland, Wales, Northern Ireland, and the Republic of Ireland all failed to qualify.David: Er, look, I know we shouldn't take pleasure in other people's failures. If only there was
a word for that... - Richard Osman's entire lecture on nuts, and what nuts are not actually nuts, in Episode 5 of Series 21. It gets off to a good start at the first buzz when David quite calmly states his opinion on the matter: "You know, I just want to say, I've gone on the record with this before: I hate this shit." A Running Gag quickly develops in which Holly Walsh buzzes in every time Richard says "[X] is a type of nut," reasoning that eventually one of them must be true; she gets every single onenote Peanuts, cashews, pistachios, coconuts, Brazil nuts, pine nuts, almonds, horse chestnuts. wrong - and, to add insult to injury, buzzes in when Richard says the hazelnut isn't a nut.
David Mitchell: The fact that half the things that are nuts aren't nuts and the half of the things that are fruits or vegetables are this, that and the other, as if the way we refer to things and the way we cook them is irrelevant and the biologists have all the say. They've got Latin, haven't they? The people who classify these things have got Latin. They can do what they like with Latin. By all means say that a peanut is not a "nuttus", but don't tell me it's not a nut! It's a major nut! Go into a pub and say "have you got any peanuts?" "Yeah, we've got nuts." "No, you haven't, you've got legumes!" (applause) Anyway... I'm gonna leave it there.
- Richard then gives David fair warning:
Richard: You know, I've just got to say, you are not going to like the rest of this lecture. It's not gettin' any better.
- Richard tries going on, but David proves incapable of keeping his promise, when the (false) fact of most peanut butter being made of cashews is brought up:
David: I mean, this is entirely irrelevant to your subject of nuts! I don't know why you're going on about this legume!
- Susan buzzes for Richard's point about peanut butter, wrongly, and then David O'Doherty buzzes in.
David O'Doherty: Cashew nuts are technically mammals. [laughter from the audience and panel] I've always said with The Unbelievable Truth, you need to break it right down to the legumes and bolts of the idea...
- By the pistachio nut, a whole two nuts in, David asks why Holly is doing this to herself.
David: (as Susan Calman is laughing her head off) A pistachio is a seed! It's just a seed!
- For coconuts, Richard claims Ireland's climate makes it ideal for growing coconuts, which is what Holly buzzes on, getting pedantic when David points out that while you can grow coconuts there, it is not ideal. She decides to buzz for coconuts being a type of nut as well.
David: I can't believe this... of course it isn't. It's a "droop" or "stone fruit".
Richard: There is a pattern emerging, I would say.
- For Richard's next fact, he says the Church used to believe geese grew from nuts. David O'Doherty buzzes on this one... and he's right.
- Then comes the walnut. Holly refuses to buzz, instead giggling nervously. David O'Doherty buzzes, mid-sentence, despite David's warning that he probably shouldn't, but he insists whatever Richard says will be true. Big mistake, given Richard, was already halfway through saying "the walnut was invented - by a Japanese nutcracker company in a bid to increase demand".
- Richard's lecture continues, with Brazil nuts being a type nut named after a Football player named Alan Brazil. Holly returns.
Holly: Brazil nuts are a type of nut!
David: Nope! No, no, they're just a seed. Juuuust a seed.
- Then comes pine nuts, by which point Susan Calman is cackling like a maniac as Holly buzzes again. Then almonds ("Seeds inside a droop"), and horse chestnuts ("seed"). Finally, Richard's lecture ends with his solemnly proclaiming the hazelnut is not actually a nut at all.
David: (wearily) Holly... what are you saying is not true?
Holly: A hazelnut is not actually a nut!
David: A hazelnut... is
actually a nut. You have an absolute, 100% record of
not spotting nuts.
- Despite the end of Richard's lecture, the nut jokes do not stop there, as during Holly's lecture on birds, Richard buzzes in:
Richard: I think the Kingfisher is a type of nut.
David: I think it must be a seed.
- Susan's lecture on urine gets tremendously weird. Richard buzzes in first with a "there's a lot to unpack there." David O'Doherty begs him to not unpack anything, while Holly buzzes in on whether cat urine contains collagen. She is, of course, wrong.
- David's lecture on traditions claims that the children of the Ivory Coast live in fear of Robson the Tooth-Crunching Terror Zombie, which is why they keep their milk teeth longer than any other nation. Susan buzzes in on this, but keeps repeating "keeping milk teeth".
Susan: Keeping milk teeth, keeping milk teeth.
David Mitchell: (singing) "Keeping milk teeth, keeping milk teeth."
Holly: But that wouldn't actually be a tradition.
Susan & David: "Keeping milk teeth, keeping milk teeth."
David: "Keeping milk teeth, keeping milk teeth"... um... I'm starting to relax. Uh, no.
- Series 21, episode 6:
- At the beginning of Holly Walsh's lecture on wolves, Henning buzzes in... because he's up by three points and, having never done that before, has no idea what to do with himself.
- During Zoe Lyon's lecture on trains, she mentions the old belief that if a train went over 50 miles per hour, women's uteruses would fly out. Holly chimes in with "you'd wanna see it, wouldn't you?"
- In Lloyd's lecture, Holly buzzes in, and for once is actually correct. However, since she waited so long to buzz in, she doesn't get the point.
- Series 22, episode 2:
- For Tony Hawks's lecture on swimming, his first claim is that he has a large penis which slows him down in the water. He's miffed when absolutely no one buzzes in on this.
- Susan Calman gets buzzed for claiming she grew up in Cardiff, which she describes as a tiny little village. Susan, as her Glaswegian accent might hint at, is from Glasgow. She then proceeds to recount how she was once asked if Glasgow had electricity. Graeme Garden obligingly asks if it does. "No."
- Series 22, episode 3:
- Henning's lecture is Germany again. He starts off by saying he's annoyed at having to do Germany again and gets buzzed by Lou Sanders, who thinks this isn't true. Having gotten confused, Lou manages to get a point.
- Henning's lecture truly starts with him saying Germany has no class divide, and everyone's doing fine, because several decades ago all their aristocracy and infrastructure were destroyed by "unprovoked foreign aggression".
- Henning's lecture ends with him three points ahead, and he remarks he has an idea of how he's going to play the rest of the game, much to David's disgruntlement.
- At the beginning of Holly Walsh's lecture on babies, she says they're stronger than oxen. Henning buzzes in, only to get cold feet... at which point David tells him it's true. Conversation, thanks to Henning and Frankie Boyle, turns to using a giant baby for farming.
- After another buzz, David scolds Henning for buzzing in without challenging and tells him next time there will be consequences.
David: You can't - you don't get (as Henning tries to interject) if - if, it might earn you a point, but what I'm saying is if you don't intend to participate meaningfully in the game, we quite simply can't afford the electricity that buzz costs.
- Series 22, episode 6:
- Henning Wehn's lecture on time, culminating in him comparing time, which scientists are unable to prove or determine actually exists, to Brexit.
- The last lecture is Frankie Boyle, who gets Scotland. Including things like a town where kids were tied to rocks to stop them from blowing away note because they were on a cliff, and Scottish pound notes not being legal tender.note But they are legal currency
- In Series 23, episode 1, during Henning Wehn's lecture on rules, Sally Phillips interrupts without buzzing because she can't understand his accent (Holly Walsh says she can understand him, but only because she can read his script from where she is sitting). David points out this is "key to Henning's entire strategy". As revenge, Henning engages in some Translation by Volume. Soon after, during Sally's lecture on Finland, Henning is the first person to buzz, and naturally it's stating he can't understand Sally.
- Series 23, episode 2:
- Susan Calman buzzing in and getting confused by the rules of the game, much to David's upset, since he explains the rules at the beginning of every game, and he figures when he's old and in a home, he'll still be saying it ("the robots that clean up my wee will be baffled!"). Susan just explains she's never been listening.
- Susan's lecture about cheese has her list off, among many fictitious cheeses "crust-muncher". Soon everyone gets into a debate about the length of time required for buzzing in, until Graeme Garden, who had been typically quiet for most of this, buzzes in on "crust-muncher".
Susan: Hang on, hang on, you can't buzz in after so long.
David: Let me just check with Susan whether you can buzz in, Lloyd.
- Then Susan claims she just wants to "break even", claiming she competes in gameshows to make up for her difficult childhood. Lloyd Langford deadpans "I'm just happy to be out of the house."
David: It's a really wonderful thing we're doing for the community here, and it's such a shame so many people are forced to listen to it.
- During Lloyd's lecture on hip-hop, there's a long time where he's just speaking until Sindhu Vee finally buzzes in to say that he's reading at "some bionic (sic) speed" and states that if David wants someone to do a lecture in an accent, she's game ("I'll do it, man.").
- Series 23, episode 5:
- During Sindhu Vee's lecture, Susan Calman buzzes in and is told she's wrong. Susan immediately declares she's not buzzing in anymore. Note this is the first time Susan's buzzed in. Or, indeed, the first time anyone has buzzed in, since Sindhu's up first. David points out the time Henning Wehn tried the same tactic ("worked out really well for him.") though he notes it's more of a threat to the format. However, soon enough, Susan starts to buzz in again. And again. And again.
David: Your protestations of not joining in are starting to ring hollow.
- Soon, Lloyd Langford starts buzzing in as well, much to Sindhu's consternation, since she's listing ludicrous names for Vikings and he buzzes repeatedly.
Sindhu: Are we going to let him keep buzzing in, or -?
David: I assure you, it's in your best interests to let him. Lloyd is now like a problem gambler at a roulette table.
- Later on, during Lloyd's lecture, on Bob Dylan, there's a long period where no one says anything, and finally a panicky-sounding Susan buzzes in again, feeling worried about the way no one's buzzing, especially Sindhu (who defends herself on the grounds she's four points ahead), and Susan is getting paranoid about it.
- Susan's lecture is on superheroes. One of her claims is that in Argentina, Wonder Woman is known as "Margaret Thatcher Who Is Supernatural". Since Lloyd and Sindhu have buzzed, while Graeme Garden has (typically) remained quiet, Susan asks if he wants in.
Susan: Graeme, do you want to have a go at Thatcher?
Graeme: (stone-faced) No. I didn't at the time and I don't now.
- Series 23, episode 6:
- In the discussion on Vikings, David gets a little confused about where ambergris comes from, causing Neil Delamere to scold him.
Neil: You've been killin' all those whales for nothing!
- This leads into a discussion on how you get it out (whale vomit).
David: So you just hold their hair and point them at a bucket?
Neil: "He's not worth it, Tracey!" (sad whale noises)
- Lou Sanders' lecture on kissing brings up the fact that, after The Princess and the Frog came out, hospitalizations in America from kissing frogs went up. Not surprisingly, the sufferers were little girls. The audience goes "aw" in sympathy, and then...
- Series 24, episode 2:
- In the discussion on sharks, the topic of Safety Beach (in Australia) comes up, and how it was renamed from Shark Bay. However, everyone notes how calling it "Safety" Beach sounds like a Suspiciously Specific Denial.
- Shark Herpes.
- In Series 24, episode 4, Miles Jupp's round is all about ABBA, and when it's done Holly Walsh and Sara Pascoe wonder what the 'that' in "No Doctor Can Help With That" is. Frankie Boyle chimes in with "love, I'm assuming", causing Miles to compare it to a drunk man in the bar suddenly joining in a nearby conversation.
Miles: (doing his best smoky drunk voice) "'Scuse me, ladies, it sounds like you're talkin' about love..."
- Later on, during Sara Pascoe's lecture about men, Holly buzzes successfully for the fact men used to wear high heels (having learned this from graffiti on a toilet in Lanzarote Airport). Discussion turns to how other previously masculine fashion such as epaulets, long hair and pipes have fallen out of fashion, with Holly saying she has short hair. David than asks, in all innocence, if she's wearing high heels at the moment.
Miles: (as Sara laughs) David, David, please stop it!
Frankie: It's been a long couple of months.
Miles: You're like Michael Caine in Get Carter.
David: If I had a penny...
Holly: (struggling not to laugh) It's a really weird world where you're sitting in your spare room... and David Mitchell's asking what you're wearing. (starts cracking up) It's like a Radio 4 sex line!
- Series 24, episode 5:
- Series 25, episode 1:
- Holly Walsh goes off on David when he asserts that one of her claims was believable because it was boring, ending with him claiming that he can't be rude because he has a doctor's note.
- Summing up Frankie Boyle's round, David stumbles over Frankie's name and accidentally calls him "Spanky".
David: And, at the end of that round, Spanky... er, at the end of that round, Frankie...
[Frankie bursts into laughter]
Holly / Sara Pascoe: [disbelievingly] Spanky?!
Miles Jupp: Oh, David...
Sara: Oh my God...
Frankie: Not in public!
Miles [over the panellists' laughter] Save it 'till we're not here, David!
Sara: "Spanky"...?
Miles: God, this is so uncomfortable...
[Several more seconds of now-hysterical laughter]
David: I'm so sorry, Spanky, erm, Frankie... erm... right...
Miles: The two of you, pretending you're dialling in from different places, it's pathetic!
- Series 25, episode 5: When David introduces Henning Wehn, he mentions that since the Covid-19 lockdown, Henning, who previously spent his time debunking stereotypes, now spends his time in a bunker railing at the world (we once again remind you, Henning is German). Then Henning chimes in with "You're not wrong, actually".
- Series 26, episode 1:
- Henning's lecture on tea has him say before it reached Britain, the British reaction to bad news was "let me just go and boil some water for no reason!"
- During the lecture, Holly says talking about Wittards she can now see the panel in an old folk's home, just rambling to one another. David stage-whispers "maybe we're there already." Richard Osmand says that's the plot of Shutter Island, which Holly takes to mean "David Mitchell in an old folk's home", but he corrects her; that's the plot of Would I Lie to You?
- The whole discussion on tobacco tea. Holly Walsh buzzes in for drinking it to cure tobacco addiction, even though Henning said it cured not being addicted. Richard buzzes for tobacco tea existing at all, and Holly takes the hump, since she figures tobacco tea existing is implicit in what she said, so therefore she gets a point. An increasingly animated David responds that the thing she thought was true wasn't, and wasn't what Henning had said.
David: And I'm in a very difficult position now, and this needs to go out for independent adjudication, but there simply aren't the resources!
- He decides to give them both the point, but Richard Osman complains, feeling he should get two points and Holly Walsh tries to split a point on a penalty, comparing it to a football assist. Unfortunately, they're saying this to David, who in utter deadpan tells them "I hate football. Neither of you are getting a point."
- The entire digression of what makes a rumour during Zoe's lecture. Holly insists it's a rumour and David gets irritated about this, barely stopping when Richard tries to buzz in mid-rant ("I will come to you later, Richard!"). Sure enough, once he's done, Richard is turned to and declares it's a rumour, earning him the point Holly didn't get.
- During Richard's lecture on balls, Henning buzzes for how high balls bounce, causing David to remark he's set his interior monologue onto automatic.
David: I thought there'd be a lot more going on in there.
Richard: At least you know he's not planning anything.
- Series 26, episode 2: On the topic of virus, Ria Lina explains eyes in depth to a stunned David, until Tony Hawks buzzes in.
Tony: For those of you at home, David is looking terrified.
- Series 26, episode 3:
- The discussion on how cows can feel shame leads into a digression when Frankie Boyle is utterly unsympathetic, noting that livestock have worse things to worry about than being taunted. It then gets into wondering whether the suffering enhances the taste of food or not.
Neil Delamere: No-one's sittin' in a restaurant eating a steak and goin' "you can really taste the shame."
- In Frankie Boyle's lecture on philosophy, Sally Phillips tries buzzing on Voltaire saying we live in the best of all possible worlds, only to be corrected that it was one of Voltaire's characters, only for Lucy Porter to correct him on that. Then Neil buzzes in.
Neil: Can I just say, that Lucy correcting you on a Voltaire quote is the most Radio 4 thing I've ever heard.
- Series 26, episode 5: In the discussion about misbehaving children, Tony Hawks says how in Hungary misbehaving children are visited by the "Copper Penis Owl", before admitting he's uncertain whether the owl simply has a copper penis or has a penis shaped like an owl. However, that parents do this is true.
David: Don't know what they say the Copper Penis Owl will do. I've never been particularly aware of owls penises at all.
Tony: You've lived a very sheltered life, haven't you?
David: I suppose I have.
- Series 27, episode 4:
- During Holly Walsh's lecture on dogs, she cites a poodle starting a seventeen-day war between France and Fiji by peeing on someone. Henning buzzes in that this is clearly untrue because France would've surrendered way sooner.
- Holly provides a Long List and David recites it to Ria Lina, who'd forgotten which ones were which. When Holly protests, claiming it's cheating to give the others another chance, David flips his lid.
- Ria's line of reasoning for dogs pooing in alignment with the Earth's magnetic field may be flawed, but she still turns out to be right.
- Richard Osman's lecture on mistakes doesn't get off to a great start when he flubs his opening sentence.
- Series 27, episode 6:
- Henning's lecture is on squirrels. Henning can't say squirrel in English, and he knows this. So his lecture doesn't get off to a great start to begin with, as he gamely (if uncertainly) tries three times to say the word, and finally just gives up.
Henning: Them things was invented by Jesus.
- At the end of Henning's lecture, David brings up then-Prince Charles's suggested plan to reduce squirrel numbers with contraceptive-laced Nutella. Holly Walsh questions if he needs to keep establishing it's an oral contraceptive given there aren't many alternatives.
Holly: Not like they hid a condom in some Nutella.
David: Actually, it's aural, and it's a contraceptive that they listen to. "Don't have sex!" In the Nutella, and the grey squirrels are hypnotised by it and lose all sexual yearnings, so yes I absolutely have to use that word otherwise you'd think it's something they swallowed rather than listened to. So...
Richard: And suddenly we're back to Alexander Armstrong's album.
- For Ria's lecture on China, the concept of foot binding is brought up, and how the Ching dynasty had manuals on it, and how the process made sex more pleasurable for men.
David: ... uh, you're listening to Radio 4. Don't worry, it's - it's The Archers soon.
Richard: "Radio Phwoarh", more like.
- Series 28, episode 1:
- During Holly's lecture, Tony Hawks tries buzzing in on a town he claims he once thought he'd been to, only he misheard the name and tries to retract his buzz, much to Holly's upset.
- A discussion on rhubarb turns animated when David advocates not eating rhubarb at all. Things get worse when David opines about gooseberries.
(audience boos)Alan Davies: That's stirred up some consternation.
David: It's like saying "
Stalin was nicer than
Hitler."
Alan: Oh, no... rhubarb is like
Hitler? David, you're
obsessed with Hitler.
(as audience laughs) There's never a show goes without Hitler coming into it!
David: (as the audience cheers) I am - I am obsessed with Hitler. But, um, I also actually, if you were
listening said
gooseberries were like Hitler, and rhubarb is Stalin.
- A short time later, Alan buzzes Tony's lecture when he brings up Moldova, reasoning that since Tony has written a book on the place he might slip in some truths about it, prompting Holly to joke how Tony's always bringing up Moldova, and he jokes back he didn't bring it up backstage pre-show.
David: I didn't mention Hitler backstage.
Tony: Yeah, but you were chomping at the bit, though.
Alan: You kept combing your hair in the mirror.
- During Alan's lecture on water, Holly buzzes in a part about the Royal Navy banning sailors from soaking themselves with drinking water, and when told it's not true asks what they would soak themselves with. David sarcastically suggests maybe seawater.
Holly: Listen, I don't - I don't like your attitude. That's just rude.
- Series 28, episode 5:
- During Zoe's lecture on ice cream, Henning derails things by saying Elton John would spend money on a giant knickerbocker glory, and then rambling about things he's done with Marcus Brigstocke, prompting David to try and step in before things go "full old folk's home".
- In Sindhu's lecture on apples, Zoe buzzes for a brand of apple that is supposedly sold for hundreds of pounds. David tells her it's not true, and they get into a conversation about rising inflation in Britain mean it will be true soon enough. David takes a moment to assure Henning (who is, once again, German) not to worry about the spectre of hyperinflation.
- Series 29, episode 1:
- Series 29, episode 2:
- The entire discussion on growing human skin using a 3-D printer.
- During Neil Delamere's lecture on giraffes, Phil Wang buzzes on the idea of giraffes having horns that move independently. David points out this isn't true, imploring Phil to think about it. Phil just retorts "apparently I can!"
- Series 29, episode 3:
- Henning being particularly weird, even by Henning standards. When Holly Walsh tries during Angela's lecture on language to claim the Concise Oxford English Dictionary has labelled "bedspread" obsolete, he keeps saying "be careful now" every time she tries to say the word.
David: Somehow your saying "bedspread" has got glued to Henning saying "be careful".
- And the kicker? Bedspread isn't obsolete.
- Henning keeps it up when he claims there's no word for "crisps" in Germany, and goes on a weird digression about how there's a social stigma against eating them there anyway, prompting a baffled line from David:
David: Are you really German?
- Exposure to Henning then seems to become contagious, when he buzzes in on Holly's lecture and David just keeps talking and talking, admitting he is just bluffing for time while thinking of what to actually say as an answer.
- David's manic glee when the episode's Long List comes up, during Alan Davies' lecture on pubs.
David: Any more for any more? C'mon, it's an inviting list. Like running into a machine gun at the Somme. I love it when there's a list, and everyone runs at it! That's it, Henning! Off you charge!
Henning: The Jolly Ayatollah?
David: NO! Of course not!
- Series 29, episode 4:
- In Marcus Brigstock's lecture on bans, he says his lecture will probably be banned by the end, before admitting that it may well, "given the last two minutes are very, very racist." Richard buzzes in to say that knowing Marcus, this will probably be true.
- In Lucy's lecture on France, she makes up "baguette javelin" as a sport. Ria Line buzzes because she wants it to be true, but David tells her she can't get a point for it. However, he concedes that if she invents an actual sport of baguette javelin by the time the episode airs, she'd get a point.
- David impersonating the mating call of a hippo (or more accurately, imitating Rory Bremner doing so to help his wife), which is a sort of "nhh-nhh-nhh" noise.
- Series 29, episode 5:
- During Phil's lecture on chefs, he mentions how a man served up his own genitals as an entrée. David gets more outraged by the fact someone gave this a so-so review, figuring that if someone does that the least a customer could do is be polite.
- In Keri Godliman's lecture, Lou buzzes in on something because she wants it to be true, which it isn't, something Neal Delamere observes.
Neal: Her face just lit up at "do you?".
Lou: Yeah...
Neal: "Well, you lost another point." (audience laughs) "Santa? Dead."
- Keri's lecture continues with how apparently ferrets help with cable piping, and had it not been for ferrets people would have been unable to watch the marriage of Charles and Diana.
David: Which, in retrospect, would have been a good thing.
- Series 29, episode 6:
- Lucy Porter's lecture on popes has her claiming one pope ate the last dodo (wrong, obviously). This somehow leads into a digression about how dodos were wiped out for tasting good, and David is eerily onboard with the idea of bringing them back to eat them into extinction all over again.
- Ria's lecture on surgery gets confusing when she says women outnumber male doctors ever since they were first allowed to perform surgery after they'd been allowed to vote to be allowed to vote to allow themselves to perform surgery. A confused Marcus buzzes in, and Richard buzzes on the voting, confusing David tremendously. And David gets very sarcastic about how, yes, feminism has happened and fixed everything.
David: I think that just Ria referring to the fact of women not being allowed to vote in elections 'till a certain point, and since the women have the franchise, egalitarianism has been ushered in completely and there is no longer any division between the sexes in any of the major professions. Phew, feminism happened and now everything's fine(!)
