Funny / The Three Musketeers (1993)

• Aramis' introductory scene. He's a lovely young blonde's theology tutor, but unfortunately she's married, as he finds out when her husband comes pounding on the door.
  Aramis: Ohh, we must pray for our sins!
  [the young lady's husband, a Cardinal's guard, bursts in and fires a shot at him, missing narrowly]
  Aramis: On second thought, God's often busy.
  • In his escape, he lands on D'Artagnan.
    Aramis: Ah! Thank you. You broke my fall perfectly. But I do apologize for the inconvenience.
• Rochefort... isn't that a smelly kind of cheese?
• Porthos claims the sash D'Artagnan just ruined was a gift from "the Queen of America." D'Artagnan calling him out on this is what gets him into a duel. And later he reveals himself by bringing up "the Czarina of Tokyo."
• D'Artagnan thinks he's a real badass...perhaps a little too much.
  Athos: Your manners have not improved yet. You're late.
  D'Artagnan: You in a hurry to die?
  Athos: [Porthos and Aramis arrive] Here come the gravediggers now.
  Porthos: Athos, you cannot fight this boy.
  Athos: Why not?
  Porthos: I'm fighting him.
  D'Artagnan: Not until 1 o'clock.
  Aramis: I have a duel with him too.
  D'Artagnan: Not until 2 o'clock.
  • Shortly thereafter:
  Athos: Only a fool would try and arrest us twice in one day.
  Jussac: You're under arrest.
  Aramis and Porthos: (in unison) A fool.
  Jussac: Are you coming peacefully or do you intend to resist?
  Porthos: Oh don't be so stupid, of course we intend to resist! Just give us a moment, all right?
  • The guards then actually wait to attack until the Musketeers have finished conferring with one another and Porthos announces "Now we're prepared to resist you!". This is actually Truth in Television, as it was considered very bad form to start a duel before someone was ready. The niceties must be observed, after all.
• During the battle with the Cardinal's guards, the Musketeers have all defeated their opponents. Aramis points out that D'Artagnan is fighting on the roof.
  Athos: (in the most deadpan voice possible) My God, he's still alive.
• When D'Artagnan confesses to Richelieu that he was planning to join the Musketeers, Richelieu's reaction, including the tone of his voice, boils down to "You haven't read the news much lately, have you?"
  Richelieu: Bad timing.
  D'Artagnan: So I've heard.
• When rescuing D'Artagnan from execution, Aramis shoots one of the guards and makes the sign of the cross with the smoking pistol.
• The Musketeers, having rescued D'Artagnan from the executioner's block, hijack the Cardinal's coach, and Aramis and Porthos investigate its contents while Athos drives:
  Porthos: Champagne?
  Athos: We're in the middle of a chase, Porthos.
  Porthos: You're right - something red.
  (shortly after)
  Porthos: For a chase, the Cardinal recommends his excellent '24 Cabernet. (aside to D'Artagnan) You can't have any, you're too young.
  • Meanwhile D'Artagnan is just looking at Porthos like he's crazy, which probably isn't too far off...
  • And Athos just grabs the bottle and starts chugging, after handing the reins to D'Artagnan
  • "Aha! The Cardinal's sacred snack chamber!"
• "The manly art of wenching." The entire scene.
• The part where the ugly dungeon guard suddenly screams at Porthos after being impaled by spikes in the back seems more funny than scary.
  D'Artagnan: Where have you been?
  Porthos: Taking care of something ugly!
• At the end of the movie, D'Artagnan has just been made a Musketeer and is talking to the title trio about what comes next for them, when Girard and his brothers, who were pursuing D'Artagnan earlier in the movie, spot him:
  D'Artagnan: So What Do We Do Now? What's next?
  Porthos: Well, we protect the King...
  Aramis: ...Protect the Queen...
  Porthos: ...In the name of God... And France, correct?
  Aramis: France indeed.
  (Girard and his brothers have caught up with D'Artagnan. At the other end of the street they draw swords)
  Girard: D'Artagnan! My sister's honor will not wait a moment longer.
  D'Artagnan: I'll handle this.
  Porthos: D'Artagnan, we also protect each other.
  D'Artagnan: All for one.
  Aramis, Porthos, Athos: And one for all.
  (Girard's eyes widen)
  Girard: RUN!
  The movie ends with Girard and brothers fleeing as the entire Musketeer corps chases them, with an overhead shot of a steady stream of blue tunics down the street.