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Funny / The Thin Blue Line

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  • Stephen Fry's Large Ham One-Scene Wonder in "Kids Today." He appears for all of 2 minutes and steals the episode. It can be seen in its hilarious entirety here.
  • Also from "Kids Today":
    Grim: (having heard Fowler's idea) A camping trip? A bleeding camping trip? blimey!
    Fowler: Am I to take it that you do not approve of my proposed initiative?
    Grim: Yes, you may take it Raymond, and you may shove it up your truncheon pouch! Society is collapsing round our ears and Baden Powell 'ere calls for a chorus of "Ging Gang Goolies!"
    Fowler: "Ging Gang Goolie".
    Grim: What?
    Fowler: The Goolies are singular. The song you refer to goes "Ging Gang Goolie Goolie Goolie Goolie Wacha Ging Gang Goo Ging Gang Goo".
    Grim: Fowler! We are discussing youth crime, which will not be solved by shoving a sausage on a stick and whistling "Kum ba yah". It's war out there mate, war and the bleeding kids are winning.
    Fowler: It's not war Derek, or anything of the sort. The vast majority of young people are law-abiding citizens. I admit we don't like them, but if it were illegal to be sex mad, tone deaf, and impossible to understand we should have to arrest the entire population of France.
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  • Fowler informs an uncooperative young delinquent that he, if he suspects him of possesion of drugs, is entitled to order a full body search, "which involves a pair of rubber gloves and a large spoon." Cooperation ensues.
  • "... and that should be enough for any man!", or in other words, Constable Habib being a Yaoi Fangirl and pointing out the Ho Yay in Biggles and Sherlock Holmes.
  • At the end of the episode "Night Shift" where Raymond and Patricia see a sex therapist, something that squicks the conservative Raymond out to no end, Patricia is thrilled when Raymond announces that he's finally willing to spice up their sex life. She is somewhat less thrilled when she finds out the reason is that he'll "do anything, absolutely anything, if it means I never have to lay eyes on that foul woman again!"
    • Then there's the scene with the sex therapist itself, partly because of Raymond's responses to her sex-crazed behavior. Said therapist then suggests that Patricia and Raymond will spend the next session wearing nothing but their underwear, but not touching each other (in order to rekindle sexual desire), then decides "Why wait?", and starts stripping in front of the horrified couple. Cut back to the station, where Raymond accidentally calls Habib "Constable Nipple".
  • Pretty much all of Grim's Double Entendre related to his arse. In particular:
    • "I am involved in serious policework. If you get in the way, I'm responsible. Your cock-up, my arse."
    • "Look, this may be a hoax, it may not be. All I know is, if it is genuine, my arse will be on the line, and I don't want a cock-up."
    • "You seem to forget Kray, it's my arse on the line, so you'd better pull your finger out!"
    • "This is a very important operation. Now it's my arse, and if you stuff it I'm going to end up very red in the face."
    • "Raymond, do not interfere with my decisions. I, and me alone, am responsible for the operational fitness of my officers. It is my arse and I will not have you sticking your nose in and sniffing about."
  • The carol-singing thieves, especially because of how obvious they are. Later on, they run into some actual carolers - then the police rush in, and the thieves take off, leaving the actual carolers to get arrested.
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  • British Gun Control.
    Grim: Ninety-two sponsored applications, none accepted.
    Fowler: That is correct.
    Grim: Including the bloke I sponsored.
    Fowler: Or more accurately, particularly the bloke you sponsored.
    Grim: He is the chief todger of my lodge!
    Fowler: [Double Fascinating Eyebrow]
    Grim: If I can't swing him a permit I'm going to look a right dickie-do-dah, aren't I!
    Fowler: I do not approve firearms applications in order to prevent you from looking a dickie-do-dah, Grim. Besides which, I could issue the fellow with a cruise missile permit, and you would still look like a dickie-do-dah. It is not within my power to prevent you from looking ike a dickie-do-dah, only God or a large bag could do that.
    Grim: It is your job to vet the applications. You're supposed to ask questions to find out who's a suitable person to own a gun.
    Fowler: That's right. And surely the first question must be, "Does that person wish to own a gun".
    Grim: Well of course.
    Fowler: And if the answer is yes, then clearly that person is not a suitable person to have one.
    Fowler: What, because I don't happen to think that a man who lives in a suburban semi needs an automatic weapon?
    Grim: He's a sportsman!
    Fowler: Then tell him to buy a pair of plimsolls! Sport!? Sport!? When did you last see a wild boar in Gasforth? Or an elk? And if you did, dispatching it with an arrow or a spear would be sport, but deploying an elk-seeking missile is just cheating.
    Grim: This is a civil rights issue. You are denying my todger his rights!
    Fowler: And what about the rights of those who do not wish to live next to an armed man? This town is a human nest. If you were an ant, would you consider it a matter of social civil liberties if a certain dysfunctional worker ant be allowed to keep a pet anteater?.
    Grim: If it was securely muzzled and tethered, yes I would!
    Fowler: Then clearly you are quite mad, Grim. Good day.

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