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Season 6: part 1
104. - Bart of Darkness
- Springfield is being affected by a heat wave.
- Hans Moleman stares at the sun. His Coke bottle glasses concentrate the sun rays and set him on fire, burning him similar to what a magnifying glass does to an ant.Moleman: Oh, rats...
- Principal Skinner is in a wax museum full of melted figures, and complains that he's up to his knees in the original cast of M*A*S*H.
- A hippie makes the mistake of singing John Denver's "Sunshine on My Shoulders" and is punched by a random guy.
- Hans Moleman stares at the sun. His Coke bottle glasses concentrate the sun rays and set him on fire, burning him similar to what a magnifying glass does to an ant.
- Bart and Lisa runs outside when they hear the ice cream truck coming, only for the ice cream man to inexplicably be yelling about how he's out of ice cream while still playing the truck jingle.Driver: ICE CREAM! I'M ALLLL OUT OF ICE CREAM! Seriously. ICE CREAM!
- They're disappointed, but then they hear another truck approach...Texan: CHILI! BOILING HOT TEXAS-STYLE CHILI! AND WE GOT GINGER ALE! BOILING HOT TEXAS STYLE GINGER ALE! (truck disappears from sight) TEXAS!
- They're disappointed, but then they hear another truck approach...
- Bart and Lisa nag Homer for a swimming pool in their backyard.[Lisa and Bart walk into the living room, where Homer is watching TV, and stand between him and the set]
Lisa: Dad? [Homer kneels on the floor and leans over sideways to look around her at the screen; she turns around and switches it off] Dad! [Homer glares at Lisa and switches the TV back on with the remote; Bart glares at Homer and unplugs the TV] DAD!
Homer: [innocently] Yes, Lisa?
Lisa: Dad, as you know, we've been swimming. And we've developed a taste for it. We both agree that getting our own pool is the way to go. Now before you respond, you must understand that your refusal would result in months and months of...
Bart & Lisa: [rapidly, in unison] Can we have a pool, Dad? Can we have a pool, Dad? Can we have a pool, Dad? Can we have a pool, Dad? Can we have a pool, Dad?
Bart: Can we— [Lisa stops him]
Homer: I understand. Let us celebrate our agreement with the adding of chocolate to milk.
- The Simpson family's first attempt at building a pool results in a large barn being built.Homer: All right! Everybody in the pool!
Random Amish Man: 'Tis a fine barn, but sure 'tis no pool, English.
- Right after Bart misses the pool and crashes onto the ground, Nelson points and gives this trademark "Ha-HA!":Milhouse: "Woah, Nelson, he's really hurt. I think he broke his leg!"Nelson: "I said 'Ha-HA'!"
- Bart playing Stratego by himself.Bart: I swear, I don't know where the bombs are! Only the miners know that!
- Homer and Marge are skinny dipping. A police helicopter flies over.Chief Wiggum: Do not be alarmed. Continue swimming naked. Aw, c'mon. Continue! C'mon! (beat) All right, Lou, open fire.
- Bart uses the telescope to spy on the neighbors Rear Window style...and finds Jimmy Stewart doing the same thing.Stewart: Grace, c'mere! There's a sinister-looking kid I want you to see![...]Stewart: [after Bart leaves his room to try to save Lisa] Oh no! That crazy looking kid is coming to kill me! Help! Help! [falls over in his wheelchair]
- Bart: There was an optics festival and I wasn't informed?! You go now.
- Lisa is trapped in the pool after everyone gets out to go swim at Martin's pool.Lisa: Huh? Hello? Hey, I'm stuck in here! I gotta think of a way to get out!
Lisa's Brain: Well, well, well. Look who's come crawling back.
- Ned Flanders was mistaken for murdering his wife Maude. Homer doesn't realize Maude is right there with the others.Homer: There's still the little matter of the whereabouts of your wife!
Maude: Um, I'm right here.
Homer: Oh, I see! So then I guess everything's all wrapped up in a neat little package! (beat) Really, I mean that. Sorry if it sounded sarcastic!
- When Bart asks why did he hear a woman scream, we get thisNed: [awkwardly] Oh? Well, now that I can't explain.
Lou: [holding Maude's dead plant] Found it, chief!
- When Bart asks why did he hear a woman scream, we get this
- When Martin gets his own pool:Martin: Soon I'll be queen of summer! Oh, uh king! King! (cut to two bemused-looking pool guys)
- Later, when Martin's pool has been destroyed by having too many kids in at once, Nelson yanks his trunks off and leaves him standing naked and forlorn amidst the wreckage of his pool. Then Martin starts singing.
- When Bart phones the Springfield Police Department after seeing Ned walking into his house with an axe:Voice: Hello, and welcome to the Springfield Police Department Resc-u-Fone[tm]. If you know the name of the felony being committed, press one. To choose from a list of felonies, press two. If you are being murdered or calling from a rotary phone, please stay on the line. (Bart randomly presses numbers on the keypad) You have selected regicide. If you know the name of the king or queen being murdered, press one.
- Bart hears digging coming from the Flanders' garden and sees Ned filling in a grave:Bart: Oh, this can't be what it looks like! There's gotta be some other explanation!Ned: I wish there was some other explanation for this, but there isn't. I'm a murderer. I'm a murderer!Bart: Then that's not the real Ned Flanders.Ned: (yelling) I'm a mur-diddley-urdler.Bart: If that's not Flanders, he's done his homework.
105. - Lisa's Rival
- Lisa's class is taking a test.Ralph: (whispering) Lisa, what's the answer to number 9?
Lisa: (whispering) Sorry, Ralph. That would defeat the purpose of testing as a means of student evaluation.
Ralph: ...My cat's name is Mittens.
- Marge and Lisa agree about their food tasting weird. Homer tells them why it does.Marge: Homer, I really appreciate you making dinner, but this food tastes a little strange.
Lisa: It hurts my teeth.
Homer: That's because I've loaded it with sugar! (holds up a bag containing "Farmer Homer's Sweet Sweet Sugar") Marge, our ship has come in! I found 500 pounds of sugar in the forest that I'm going to sell directly to the consumer! All for a low, low price of $1 per pound.
Marge: But the grocery store sells sugar for 35 cents a pound.
Lisa: And it doesn't have nails and broken glass in it.
Homer: Those are prizes! (eats a mouthful, then takes something out of his mouth) Ooh, a blasting cap.
- Marge wants Homer to get rid of the sugar pile. Homer gives her reasons for why he won't do it.Homer: Never, Marge. Never. I can't live the button-down life like you. I want it all: the terrifying lows, the dizzying highs, the creamy middles. Sure, I might offend a few of the bluenoses with my cocky stride and musky odors - oh, I'll never be the darling of the so-called "City Fathers" who cluck their tongues, stroke their beards, and talk about "What's to be done with this Homer Simpson?"
- Earlier we have the random British guy hiding in Homer's sugar pile to steal sugar for his tea. We also have this piece of advice for success by Homer.
- Bart somehow got Milhouse's name on the America's Most Wanted. It ends up with him in a parody of The Fugitive.
- Milhouse is on a jungle gym when two FBI agents spot him from a car and "try" to take him alive by driving into the jungle gym.
- Bart tipped off the feds as to the whereabouts of Milhouse. Cut to Milhouse being held at gunpoint by an FBI agent at a dam a la The Fugitive.Milhouse: I'm telling you, I didn't do anything!
FBI Agent: I don't care!
Milhouse: (jumps off the dam) My glasses!
- And later, Milhouse is back, and has tape all over his glasses.
- Some bees find their way to Homer's sugar pile and start eating it. Homer tries to shoo them away and he gets stung by them.Homer: OW!! AHHHH! They're defending themselves somehow!
- The beekeepers find out their bees were attracted to Homer's sugar pile. For whatever reason, they're modeled after Adam West and Burt Ward as Batman and Robin.Beekeeper #1: To the bee-mobile!
Beekeeper #2: You mean your Chevy?
Beekeeper #1: (beat) Yes.
Beekeeper #1: Simpson, you diabolical...
- Homer's fear about people taking his sugar proves accurate when he finds an Englishman in it, holding a cup of tea.Homer: Alright pal, start talking. Where'd you get the sugar for that tea?
Man: I nicked it, when you let your guard down for that split second, and I'd do it again. (sips tea, while walking away) Goodbye.
- Lisa gets depressed that Allison gets a seat in the school band and does an imagine spot where the second best musicians to form the second best band only to get booed.Lisa: Why would they come to our concert just to boo us?
- At the diorama fair, Üter's display is for Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, but Skinner and Miss Hoover only find an empty box and a chocolate-smeared Üter."I begged you to see mine first! I begged you!"
- Bart's reaction after Lisa's Oliver Twist diorama gets blown out the window."Well, the important thing is we survived."
- Jimbo auditioning for the school band. He hits a hand drum once, and Largo is impressed: "Someone's been practicing this summer. Welcome aboard." Jimbo: "Yes!" (knocks Martin on the head with the drum◊)
106. - Another Simpsons Clip Show
- Marge tells Homer that he spent his Saturday drinking beer in Maggie's kiddie pool instead of working all day at the nuclear plant.
- Homer throws Marge's copy of The Bridges of Madison County into a fireplace that magically appeared in the bedroom (it was actually recycled footage from "Dog of Death").
- The DVD Commentary for the episode. Since it was a clip show and a little thin on humor and actual plot, the writers used the commentary time to go over how a Simpsons episode is created from start to finish. After an exhaustive cataloging of the tremendous amount of work that goes into each one, David Mirkin notes that the process isn't truly complete until the fans label it the worst episode ever (even if the episode is considered one of the classics).
107. - Itchy and Scratchy Land
- As they arrive to Itchy and Scratchy landHelicopter Pilot: Welcome to Itchy and Scratchyland, where nothing can possib-lie go wrong. Uh, possibly go wrong. That's the first thing that's ever gone wrong.
- The genesis of the episode, according to showrunner David Mirkin in the commentary: After he became showrunner, the Fox executives called him up and said "our standards have changed. You can't do Itchy and Scratchy anymore." Mirkin's response was "well, our standards have not."
- When Bart and Lisa eagerly ask Marge if they can go to Itchy and Scratchy Land. Marge straight-up says "no"and tells them they're going to see the bird sanctuary. Cut to Bart and Lisa looking both crestfallen and slightly off-model.◊
- Marge leaves Grampa Abe some instruction on how to take care of the household pets while they are on vacation.Marge: (to Abe) And remember, every morning give one bowl of Kibble to Santa's Little Helper. Do you want me to write any of this down?
Abe: No! I ain't senile, dad-blast it.
Marge: OK, bye-bye.
Lisa: Bye, Grampa! (Homer drives the car away)
Abe: Wait a minute! What was that last thing you said? "Grampa's Little Helper"...what's that? (looks to the animals) Which one of you is the mailman?
(the animals roll their eyes slowly towards one another)
- On the way to Itchy and Scratchy Land, the car encounters an inspection booth, looking for fruits and vegetables:Homer: Oh, no!
Marge: What's the matter, Homer? We don't have any fruits or vegetables.
Homer: (twitches nervously) The whole trunk's full of 'em, Marge! (he looks down at a book labelled "The E to Z Guide to Smuggling Fruits and Vegetables")
(A Squeaky Voiced Teen approaches the car)
Squeaky Voiced Teen: Got any fruits or vegetables?
(Homer makes unintelligible noises of utter panic, and guns it. As the car drives off, fruit and veg pour out of the trunk)
Squeaky Voiced Teen: Mr. Wembley! It happened again!
- Homer and Marge go to a 70s nostalgia bar. Marge notes how the bartender looks like John Travolta. The bartender, who is indeed Travolta, mutters "Yeah, looks like." Some people would say it's even funnier considering he would make his comeback with Pulp Fiction right around this episode's original airdate.
- Bart and Lisa view an Itchy & Scratchy short where Itchy is "Pinitchio".Scratchy (Geppetto): Now you be-a good, Pinitchio. And don't-a you lie.
Itchy (Pinocchio): I promise I will never hurt you.
(Pinitchio's nose grows and skewers one of Scratchy's eyes out)
Scratchy (Geppetto): OUCH-A!
- Bart and Lisa check out what is for sale at the gift shop.Bart: Cool...personalized plates! "Barclay"..."Barry"..."Bert"..."Bort"? Aw, come on. "Bort"?
Boy: Mommy, mommy! Buy me a license plate.
Mother: No. Come along, Bort.
Man: Are you talking to me?
Mother: No, my son is also named Bort.
- The vacation starts turning into hell for the Simpson family.Marge: (to clerk) I want all 5 T-shirts to say "Best Family Vacation Ever!".
P.A.: Attention, Marge Simpson! Your son has been arrested.
Female Shopper: I'd be terribly embarrassed if I were that boy's mother...
P.A.: Attention, Marge Simpson! We've also arrested your older, balder, fatter son.
(Marge groans more)
- On top of that, notice the clerk very quickly pressing the first shirt before Marge can change her mind.
- As Lisa and Marge go to get Homer and Bart, a park employee reports that all the Bort license plates have been bought in the gift shop. This led to defictionalization, as the Universal Studios theme parks sell Bort key-chains. And yes, they frequently sell out.
- The store also sells dolls of characters from the short-lived Itchy And Scratchy And Friends Hour. Problem was, the shorts never had a supporting cast, so the show featured a bunch of half-assed new characters such as Disgruntled Goat, Uncle Ant, and Ku-Klux-Clam, all of them rather unmemorable though Bart claims Disgruntled Goat had his moments.
- This scene might be a dig at Garfield and Friends which aired at the time, and featured several characters not from the strip.
- Lisa and Marge arrive at the jail cell with Homer and Bart inside.Marge: Oh, I'm so embarrassed I wish there was a hole I could just crawl into and die.
Guard: (German accent) OK, throw her in the hole.
Marge: Oh, please: it was just a figure of speech!
Marge: HOW were you a political prisoner?!Homer: I kicked a giant mouse in the butt, do I have to draw you a diagram?!
- Afterwards, Homer claims he was a political prisoner.
- Professor Frink believes his math is correct, but he ends up tempting fate.
- The Simpson family is left to deal with an army of killer Itchy & Scratchy robots. As they use flash photography to stop the robots, Homer attempts to imitate Bart channeling his inner movie action hero.Homer: Die bad robots! Die! (laughs) With a dry, cool wit like that, I could be an action hero.
- Marge originally planned a family vacation to a bird sanctuary. When they're being attacked by the robots during the climax, she bitterly says that they should have gone there instead. Cut to the bird sanctuary which is currently in the middle of a massive bird attack à la The Birds.Hans Moleman: [in a phonebooth with birds slamming against it] I need the biggest seedball you have! ...no, that's too big.
- The sheer slapstick and over-the-top nature of the water log ride. It begins with a classic 'jerky' start, at one point Marge nearly has an eye poked out and it ends with their log being cut in half.
- Euro-Itchy and Scratchyland being totally empty:French attendant Come on my last paycheck bounced! My children need wine!
108. - Sideshow Bob Roberts
- Marge gets rid of Bart's fireworks, believing that they're for a prank.Bart: (condescending tone) Well, um, I'm doing a school project on, er, fireworks. (displays a bundle)
Marge: Mmm...Bart, I wish you wouldn't lie like that. (takes the bundle, douses it in sink, and throws it away)
(cut to Springfield Elementary School)
Seymour: And now, as a special sendoff and a way to say "Gong Hei Fat Choy" to our visiting Chinese principals, Bart Simpson has promised us a fireworks display. (he motions to Bart; Bart looks at Mrs. Krabappel and she groans as she gives him an "F")
Chinese Principal #1: All week, he promise big firework display.
Chinese Principal #2: Bad student.
Chinese Principal #1: Uh-uh...bad principal.
- When Lisa complains about having to listen to Birch Barlow's right-wing talk show, Homer replies that he's driving and thus he picks the radio station. When Lisa drives, then she can pick the radio station. Gilligan Cut to Lisa driving the car and listening to "St. Elmo's Fire."Homer: Ooooh. I can't take it anymore! Let's switch back!
- Bob's broadcast is discovered by Lisa, who breaks the news to Bart.Lisa: Bart! Your mortal enemy is on the radio!
(Bart looks anxiously at the radio)
Radio DJ: It's time for more DEEEEEEMENTIA with Dr. Demento!
(Bart screams in terror and throws his radio out the window)
Radio DJ: And now, the Funny five!
(The radio crashes outside)
Lisa: I meant your other mortal enemy: Sideshow Bob.
Bart: (gasps) Sideshow Bob? I'm only ten and I've got two mortal enemies.
- When Sideshow Bob is released from jail, he falls into the water because the prison is established on an island.Guard: Boat's on the other side!
Bob: Yes, thank you.
- The Springfield Republicans meet at a Castle Dracula-like castle (which is and will be known in the series as the Republican Party Headquarters) and start off every meeting with Ominous Latin Chanting. Then they select a new mayoral candidate, which happens to be Sideshow Bob.Barlow: If you'll just open that door, you'll see the next mayor of Springfield.
(the door opens to reveal a water cooler; everyone applauds. The cooler bubbles)
Senator: What'd it say?
Barlow: No, no, no, Bob. Bob, come in!
Bob: A fine "Mahoke" to you all.
Dr. Hibbert: Why, he's even better!
Rainier: I agree. I like the human touch.
- Jimbo Jones bums bumper stickers off Bart and Lisa. He covers Milhouse in a bunch of them, puts him in a shopping cart, and rolls him down a hill.Jimbo: All right! The mummy's ready for his mystical journey!
- Bob: That was a big mistake, Bart. No child has ever meddled with the Republican party and lived to tell about it.
- After that, Sideshow Bob kicks Bart out of his limo. Next, the whole Archie Gang — Archie, Jughead, Reggie and Moose — pull up in Archie's Alleged Car and kick Homer out to the sidewalk, all frowning at him as Moose warn hims to "Duhh, stay outta Riverdale!" before driving off. Noodle Incidentary at its finest!
- The Springfield voters can be pretty stupid.
- Homer is shown inside a voting booth, reading a pamphlet.Homer: Hmm, I don't approve of his Bart killing policy. But I do approve of his Selma killing policy! (pulls lever)
- After him there's a cut to Krusty in the voting booth.Krusty: He did frame me for armed robbery, but man, I'm aching for that upper-class tax cut. (pulls lever)
- Homer is shown inside a voting booth, reading a pamphlet.
- The Simpsons family gets a rude awakening due to an earthquake-like rumble.Homer: Aaaaahhhh! It's the rapture! Quick, get Bart out of the house before God comes! (he runs outside and sees Mayor Sideshow Bob)
Bob: So sorry, Mr. Simpson. Your house is blocking construction for our new Matlock Expressway. (A big bridge is seen under construction above the Simpsons residence and other surrounding houses) However, I an a fair man. You will have 72 hours to vacate. At that time, we will blow up your house and any remaining Simpsons.
Marge: Homer, we have to stop them!
Homer: I know what you're up to, Mayor Terwiggiger. And no one in my family is gonna stand for it!
(a honking sound is heard on the bridge where Grampa Abe is driving a car)
Abe: Move your gol-darn house, son!
- Bart and Lisa are told to meet a mysterious man (Smithers) in a parking garage, as he has information to give them.
- Bart and Lisa finding out Buddy Holly, Ritchie Valens, and The Big Bopper apparently voted for Bob. The Bopper's tombstone has a figure of him holding a telephone with "GOOOOODBYE, BABY!" inscribed under it.
- Bart's reaction to Lisa declaring "Now it's personal!" after finding out her dead cat was involved in Bob's election fraud.Bart: Hey, um...he did try to kill me.
- Sideshow Bob's in court. Supporting Bart and Lisa's case is Lionel Hutz.Hutz: Mr. Mayor, did you rig the election?
Bob: (completely stone-faced) No, I did not.
(Beat, before Hutz looks at Bart and Lisa)
Hutz: Kids, help.
- There's a decent A Few Good Men parody between Bart and Sideshow Bob in court.Bob: What do you want?
Bart: We want the truth!
Bob: You want the truth? You can't handle the truth! No truth-handler, you! Bah, I deride your truth-handling abilities!
- Sideshow Bob's speech in court.Bob: Because you need me, Springfield! Your guilty consciences may force you to vote Democratic, but inside you secretly long for a cold-hearted Republican to lower taxes, brutalize criminals, and rule you like a king! That's why I did this! To protect you from yourselves! Now, if you'll excuse me, I have a city to run.Judge Snyder: Bailiffs, place the mayor under arrest!
Bob: What?! (resignedly) Oh, yes, all that stuff I did...
- Mayor Quimby's political jingle.♪Without a Mayor Quimby, our town would really stink.
We wouldn't have a tire yard or a mid-sized roller rink.
We wouldn't have our gallows, or our shiny Bigfoot trap.
It's not the mayor's fault that the stadium collapsed!♪
- And the message at the end: "Quimby! If you were running for mayor, he'd vote for you! Paid for by the Mayor Quimby for Mayor Mayoral Committee."
- Bart being sent back to kindergarten by Bob's manipulations. He turns out to be perfectly happy with it. Adding to this is when Skinner informs Bart about this. Mrs. Krabappel appears behind Bart with a bottle of wine and a wine glass, and laughs at him.
- The beginning of the mayoral debate.Larry King: The League of Uninformed Votes presents: The Springfield Mayoral Debate. I'm your moderator, Larry King. And now a word to our audience: Even though we're being broadcast on... Fox, there's no need for obnoxious hooting and hollering.
(the audience begins obnoxiously hooting and hollering)
Larry King: Uaugh!
- Birch Barlow's not-exactly-neutral questions at the debate:Barlow: Sideshow Bob, councilman Les Whinen says that you're not experienced enough to be mayor. Sir, what do you have to say about that?
Bob: I'd say that Les Whinen ought to do more thinking and less whining! (audience laughs and claps)
Lisa: There's no councilman Les Whinen.
Bart: Good line, though.
Barlow: Mayor Quimby, you're well-known, sir, for your lenient stance on crime. But suppose for a second that your house was ransacked by thugs, your family tied up in the basement with socks in their mouths, you try to open the door but there's too much blood on the knob-
Quimby: What is your, uh, question?
Barlow: My question is about the budget, sir.
- Sideshow Bob's inaugural address as mayor:
- The ending to the episode:(Bob crumples a newspaper detailing his arrest)
Bob: Someday, I'll have my revenge... someday, when I find my way out of this savage, roach-ridden cesspool!
(the camera pulls out to reveal Bob standing in front of an open gate in a minimum security prison. In the background, a group of rowers are practicing)
Team Captain: Stroke, stroke, stroke... say, Terwilliger's a Yaley. Bob, come on! We need a ninth to run against the Princeton alums.
Bob: Princeton!? (annoyed grumble)
(Bob immediately rushes over to join the team)
- (Bart's listening to the radio during school)Barlow: Well, I've had it! I am going to make it my mission to see that our friend Bob is set free.
Bart: Nooo! [class stops, looks at him]
Edna: Well, despite Bart's objections, the people of South Africa can now vote in free democratic elections.
- As Barlow supports Bob, we get this, from Moe's Bar:Barlow: My friends, Bob is a political prisoner. I want everyone listening to do everything they can to get him out of jail.
Moe: Alright, you heard the man. (he takes out a box of grenades and starts handing them out) Here, everyone take one hand grenade each.
Barney: Moe, I think he meant through non-violent, grassroots political action.
Moe: Gee, ya think so? (he considers this) A'right, everyone give the grenades back. C'mon. Hey, hey! Who pulled the pin on this one?!
(the scene cuts away)
- How Lisa acquires the information on who voted for whom:Records clerk: Here you go, all twenty-eight thousand voters and who each one of them voted for.
Lisa: I thought this was a secret ballot.
Clerk: (shrugs) Meh.
- The Brick Joke of the bats in the public library.
- During the mayoral campaign, Bob tries currying favour with the OAPs.Abe: That Mayor Quimby promised to build us a Matlock Expressway! How ya gonna top that, smart guy?
Bob: Hmm... how about this? I'll not only build your Matlock Expressway, I will spend the rest of the afternoon listening to your interminable anecdotes.
Abe: Hot diggety damn! Me first! (the elderly mob Bob) Not many people know I owned the first radio in Springfield. T'weren't much on the air back then. Just Edison repeating the alphabet ooooover and ooooover. "A", he'd say. Then "b". "C" would usually follow...
Bob: (annoyed grumble)
109. - Treehouse of Horror Vnote
A. - The Shinning
- The Simpson family is driving to Mr. Burns' lodge.(the title card says "Tuesday", then cut to the family in the car)
Homer: Well, it's been a long trip, but we're almost there.
Marge: Homer, did you remember to lock the front door of the house?
(cut to title card that says "Wednesday", then back to the family)
Homer: Well, it's been two long trips, but we're almost there again.
Marge: Homer, when you locked the front door, did you remember to lock the back door?
(cut to title card that says "Thursday", then back to the now tired family, only this time, Grampa Abe is missing)
Lisa: (gasps) Oh no! We left Grampa back at the gas station! (dead silence) What about Grampa?
- The parody of The Shining's premise, where it isn't the building responsible for Homer's behaviour, instead...Mr. Burns: Yes, by cutting off the cable TV, and the beer supply, I can ensure an honest winter's work out of those low-lifes.
Smithers: Sir, did you ever stop to consider that maybe it was doing this that caused all the previous caretakers to go insane and murder their families?
Mr. Burns: (thinks about it) Hmm, Perhaps you're right. Tell you what, Smithers, we come back and everyone's slaughtered? I owe you a Coke.
- Bart uses a chainsaw to saw his way out of a hedge maze. Groundskeeper Willie finds out Bart has the Shinning and advises him when to use it.Bart: Hey! I found a shortcut through your hedge maze.
Willie: Why you little— (thinking) No, no, go easy on the wee one. His father's going to go crazy and chop 'em all into Haggis!
Bart: What's Haggis?
Willy: (gasps) Boy...you read my thoughts! You've got the Shinning.
Bart: You mean "Shining".
Willie: Shhh! You Wanna Get Sued?? Now look, boy: if your da goes gaga, you just use that... "Shin" of yours to call me and I'll come a runnin'. But don't be reading my mind between 4 and 5. That's Willie's time!
- How Homer is convinced to turn on his family. Whereas Jack Torrance had to be worked on by the hotel for weeks, Homer takes about two minutes.(Homer's sitting alone in the mansion's ballroom. Moe's ghost appears at the bar.)
Moe: So, what'll it be, Homer?
Homer: Moe, gimme a beer!
Moe: No, not unless you kill your family.
Homer: ... Why should I kill my family?
Moe: Uh... they'd be much happier as ghosts.
Homer: You don't look so happy.
Moe: Oh, I'm happy. I'm very happy! La la la la la, see? (grabs Homer) Now waste your family and I'll give ya a beer!
- Marge discovers a phrase written on the walls: "NO TV AND NO BEER MAKE HOMER GO CRAZY"Homer: (eerily calm) So, what do you think, Marge? All I need is a title. I was thinking of something along the lines of "No TV and no beer make Homer..." something something.
Marge: (nervous) ..."Go Crazy"?
Homer: (hysterically) DON'T MIND IF I DO!! (goes on a wacky rant)
(Marge screams and smashes open a case labeled "Break glass in case of spousal insanity" and grabs the baseball bat within)
Marge: Stay away from me, Homer!
Homer: (chases Marge up some stairs) Give me the bat, Marge. Gimme the bat. Gimmethebat! Come on! Gimmethebat! Gimme the bat! (says random words and makes a scary face) Ha ha ha! Scaredy cat! (makes another scary face) Bleaahhh... (sees himself in a mirror) AAAAAHH! (falls down the stairs, knocking himself out; Marge leaves his unconscious body locked in a pantry)
- Homer locked in the pantry:(Homer is busy stuffing himself with everything he can get his hands on)
Moe: (knocks on door) Homer, it's Moe! Uh, look, some of the ghouls and I are a little concerned that the project isn't moving forward.
Homer: (while chewing on a turkey leg) Can't murder now. Eating.
Moe: Oh, for crying out loud... (Moe, alongside several horror villains such as Freddy Krueger, Pinhead, Dracula and Jason Voorhees bursts in and drags Homer kicking and screaming out of the pantry)
- As the rest of the family is eating dinner, Homer has been dragged out of the food pantry and he starts chopping down doors with an axe.(Homer chops through a door with an axe)
Homer: Heeeere's Johnny! (the camera pulls back to reveal an empty room) D'oh!
(Homer chops through a second door)
Homer: Daaaaavid Letterman! (the camera pulls back to reveal Grandpa standing at the door)
Abe: Hi David, I'm Grampa!
(Homer chops through a third door)
Homer: (holding a ticking stopwatch) I'm Mike Wallace, I'm Morley Safer, and I'm Ed Bradley. All this and Andy Rooney tonight on 60 Minutes!
Family: Aaaaah! (they get up and start running)
- Groundskeeper Willie dies from being axed in the back by psychopathic Homer.Willie: I'm coming to rescue the lot of you! (opens door to lodge) All right, loony: show me what you got!
(Homer drives an axe into his back)
Willie: Ack! Is that the best you can do? (collapses to the floor)
- Homer sees the hand held TV Lisa finds in the snow.Homer: Television! Teacher! Mother! Secret lover... Urge to kill fading...fading...fading... (family approaches) RISING!...fading...fading...gone.
- The family becomes frozen from sitting in the cold snow and is forced to watch the Tony Awards, hosted by Tyne Daly, as "One" from A Chorus Line is performed.Homer: Urge to kill rising.
B. - Time and Punishment
- Homer's hand gets stuck in the toaster. TWICE.
- As Homer realizes he's moving through time:Homer: Look at that! I'm the first non-Brazilian person to travel backwards through time!
Mr. Peabody: Correction, Homer: You are the second.
Sherman: That's right, Mr. Peabody!
Mr. Peabody: Quiet, you!
- Given Brick Joke status when Mr. Peabody and Sherman end up replacing Kang and Kodos in a later scene.
- Homer thinks back to his father warning him about the Butterfly Effect on his wedding day: not to touch anything when in the distant past (in this case, prehistoric times).
- How Homer breaks the timeline in the first place. Having resolved not to kill anything, a mosquito buzzes past him. Annoyed, Homer swats it.Homer: But that was just one innocent little mosquito. Surely that can't change the future, right? Right?
(A giant sloth walks past, shrugs and makes a "I dunno" noise)
- Ned Flanders as the unquestioned lord and master of the world. And yet he's still Ned, even when he's talking about total frontal lobotomies.
- While Homer escapes from the Re-Neducation center with a couple Attack Dogs in tow, he holds a chain of sausages and states that they will give him the energy to escape when he could have used the sausages to distract the Attack Dogs and buy himself some time. Surprisingly, he manages to get back to the time toaster in one piece.
- Homer goes back in time to change Earth from being run by Ned Flanders, only to flee from an attacking Tyrannosaurus rex. He manages to dodge and leap over every plant and animal that gets in his way, but then a stereotypical Darwin fish crawls out of a lake and he absently squashes it.Homer: Oh, I wish, I wish I hadn't killed that fish...
- The fish also makes a hilarious "Bleergh!" noise as its sat on.
- The next present he visits, he almost gets squished by a giant Bart and Lisa who think Homer is a bug that looks like him.
- Homer accidentally sneezes on the same T. rex that tried to eat him... and starts a chain reaction that ends with all the dinosaurs dead.Homer: Thiiis is gonna cost me...
- What really sells this is that all the dinosaurs are literally standing in a perfect line, dying one after another as Homer looks on. Not to mention the pterosaurs are dropping straight down from the sky.
- Homer arrives back in the present with the time machine toaster. The house has been transformed into a luxurious estate and Marge and the children are expensively dressed.Lisa: Are we taking the new Lexus to Aunt Patty and Selma's funeral today?
Homer: Hmm. Fabulous house, well-behaved kids, sisters-in-law dead, luxury sedan. Woo-hoo! I hit the jackpot! (he sits down at the table, trying to sound like a rich gentleman) Marge, dear, would you kindly pass me a donut?
Marge: Donut? What's a donut?
(Homer screams like a crazy man and runs back to the time machine; Marge looks out the window and sees donuts falling from the sky)
Marge: (nonchalantly) Hmph. It's raining again.
- Immediately afterwards, Homer goes back to prehistoric times and smashes stuff.Homer: Don't touch anything?! I'll touch whatever I feel like! (he begins beating every animal and tree he sees with a wooden club. He stomps on one small animal, but the topper is when he punches a huge prehistoric mosquito before beating it with his club)
- Groundskeeper Willie dies again in a Sound of Thunder spoof.Willie: You're still not in your own world, Homer! I can get you home, but you have to do exactly as I... (Maggie drives an axe into his back) Argh! (collapses)
Maggie (voiced by James Earl Jones): This is indeed a disturbing universe.
C. - Nightmare Cafeteria
- The school staff's behavior is undeniably horrific, but some of it is kind of funny.Principal Skinner: That's your third helping, young man. It'll make you fat and plump... (licks lips) and tender. (regains composure) Uh, you just cut in line, didn't you? Report to detention, Uter.
Uter: For how long?
Skinner: Oh, about seven minutes a pound should do...
- Marge takes Adults Are Useless and Too Dumb to Live to astounding new heights.Lisa: Mom, mom, you gotta help us, they're cooking kids in the school cafeteria!
Marge: Kids, you're eight and ten years old now, I can't be fighting all your battles for you.
Bart: But mom-!
Marge: No "buts"! You march right back to that school, look them straight in the eye, and say "don't eat me"!
- Bart, Lisa, and Milhouse - who, along with Ralph Wiggum, are the only students who have not been sent to detention as the first step toward being cannibalised - sneak out past an overweight Mrs. Krabappel (who is too busy reading The Joy of Cooking Milhouse to notice them leave) and pass the Detention Room, which now has kids in cages barely large enough for them. One of them is playing the inevitable Captivity Harmonica, while Martin shudders in terror in his cage.Skinner: [tapping the bars] Easy there, young man, you'll only make yourself tired and stringy. Now, to check on the free range children! [he looks out of the window at a small fenced enclosure; several kids are walking aimlessly around it with haunted looks]
- Groundskeeper Willie gets a third axe-in-the-back death.Willie: Hang on, kids! I'm comin' to rescue the lot of ya! I'll— (Principal Skinner puts an axe in his back) Ach, I'm bad at this. (collapses)
- It turns out this segment was simply a bad dream of Bart's. He's safe with his family from everything... except the fog that turns people inside-out seeps into his bedroom.
- After they're turned inside-out, the Simpson family sings a demented version of "One".Simpson Family: "One! — chorus line of people, dancing till they make us stop
Willie: (also inside-out) Too!
Everyone ...many dancing people, covered with blood, gore, and glop. Just one sniff of that fog and you're inside out: It's worse than that flesh-eating virus you've read about! Vital organs, they are what we're dressed in. The family dog is eyeing Bart's intestine. Happy Halloween!"
- And after they say that, the dog attacks Bart and drags him offscreen, while no-one does anything.
- After they're turned inside-out, the Simpson family sings a demented version of "One".
110. - Bart's Girlfriend
- While most of the kids are playing "cowboys and indians", Nelson comes in with a Nerf-like gun and cleans house.Bart: That's not fair, Nelson. They didn't have the Killmatic 3000 back then.
Nelson: Hey, records from that era are spotty, at best.
- When Bart first sees Jessica, she's backlit by light. Then it cuts to outside the church, where it turns out a nearby lighthouse is shining on it.Lighthouse-keeper: I'm telling ye, the light would work better if it pointed out to sea!
Sea-Captain: Dar, shut up! I know what I'm doin'!
(The Sea-Captain watches as a tanker runs aground, before emptying his pipe into the ocean.)
Sea-Captain: Yar, I hate the sea, and everything in it.
- Groundskeeper Willie goes on about the history of the kilt before Bart pranks him.Willie: Now the kilt was only for day-to-day wear. In battle, we donned a full-length ballgown covered in sequins! The idea was to blind you opponent with luxury.
(Bart then ties balloons to Willie's kilt, with the audience reacting with disgust at what lies under)
Willie: Ahh, 'tis no more than what God gave me, you puritan pukes.
- Not long after that, Bart gets caught by Skinner, who gloats about Bart getting 3 months of detention...and unintentionally upsets Willie:Skinner: There's no such thing as Scotchtoberfest.
Willie: (overhearing Skinner) There's not?! Ya used me, Skinner! YA USED ME!
- Not long after that, Bart gets caught by Skinner, who gloats about Bart getting 3 months of detention...and unintentionally upsets Willie:
- After Jessica and Bart (unwillingly) pull the Springfield Elementary fire alarm, panic ensues, though Groundskeeper Willie has one concern.Willie: If I don' save the wee tur'les, who will?! (he kicks open a door to a lab and rushes in; moments later, he runs back out, with turtles biting him all over) Gah! Save me from the wee tur'les! They were too quick for me!
- Marge notices Bart's behavior is different and talks to Homer about it.Marge: Have you noticed any change in Bart?
Homer: New glasses?
Marge: No... He looks like something might be disturbing him.
Homer: Probably misses his old glasses.
Marge: I guess we could get more involved in Bart's activities, but then I'd be afraid of smothering him.
Homer: Yeah, and then we'd get the chair.
Marge: That's not what I meant.
Homer: It was, Marge. Admit it.
- Homer putting a coupon for 30 cents off Shake'n Bake in the church collection plate.Marge: 30 cents off Shake N' Bake? Homer!
Homer: We can spare it, Marge. We've been blessed.
- Bart skates over a sunflower seed carried by an ant and falls down the hill.
- What really sells this is that a seed is what stops him after everything he went through. This was not only an extremely steep hill, but there was a crashed and spilled gravel truck, a crashed and spilled ball bearings truck, and then a glue truck which subverts the previous 2 vehicles.Driver 1: Any glue leaking?
Driver 2: Nah, that glue ain't going nowhere. [Bart zips past them]
- A battered Bart lands at the bottom of the hill.Driver 2: Oh no! There goes the glue after all!
(Bart turns to see a tidal wave of glue heading toward him, and is completely covered by it)
- What really sells this is that a seed is what stops him after everything he went through. This was not only an extremely steep hill, but there was a crashed and spilled gravel truck, a crashed and spilled ball bearings truck, and then a glue truck which subverts the previous 2 vehicles.
- Bart hears angelic singing from the church, which he thinks is Jessica. Genius Bonus: The song Flanders is singing is J.S. Bach's "Jesu, Joy of Man's Desiring".Lisa: Bart, be strong! You don't need that little hellcat!
Bart: Oh, Lise. She's already drawing me to her beautiful siren song...(runs into the church and sees...)
Ned Flanders: (singing falsetto)
Bart: (shudders) That's very disturbing...
- After Jessica steals the collection money, leaving Bart to take the blame, he quickly bolts, leaping out of an open window.Homer: (AFTER Bart escapes) Stop him! He's headed for the window!
- We see where Nelson draws the line:Milhouse: (to Bart) No way would a minister's daughter go out with you.
Bart: Oh, yeah? I'll prove it! (he walks over to Jessica) Hey, Jessica!
Jessica: Yes? Am I supposed to know you?
Bart: Jessica, we just— (Nelson gut-punches Bart)
Nelson: That's for besmirching an innocent girl's name!
- Lovejoy: Well, it's obvious what happened here. Bart has somehow managed to sneak his bedroom into my house. (sees everyone staring at him) Well come on, use your imaginations!
111. - Lisa On Ice
- Principal Skinner speaks over the PA system to the students.Seymour: (over the PA) Attention, this is Principal Skinner, your principal, with a message from the Principal's Office. All students please proceed immediately to an assembly in the Butthead Memorial Auditorium. (to himself) Damn it, I wish we hadn't let the students name that one.note
- SNPP.com added the perfect observation: "Memorial? Butthead's dead?"
- Dolph writes "Beat up Martin" into his Apple Newton (an early 1990s digital note-taker that was notorious for mistranslating what people write), only for the phrase to be misprinted as "Eat up Martha".
- Ralph Wiggum is called forward to receive an academic alert.Seymour: (announcing to students in auditorium) All right, first academic alert. Wiggum, Ralph.
Ralph: I won, I won! (he happily walks up to receive one)
Seymour: No, no, Ralph. This means you're failing English.
Ralph: Me fail English? That's unpossible!
- Chief Wiggum: We won! We won! But uh, since I bet on the other team, we won't be going for pizza.
- Lisa worries that failing gym is going to haunt her. A futuristic vision shows Lisa being inaugurated in as President of the United States.Supreme Court Justice: I now pronounce you President of these United —
Reporter: Stop the inauguration! I just discovered our President-Elect got an F in second grade gym class!
(crowd gasps; Lisa is handcuffed)
Justice: (to Lisa) In that case, I sentence you to a lifetime of horror on Monster Island! Don't worry, it's just a name.
(later, Lisa and others are chased by fire-breathing monsters)
Lisa: He said it was just a name!
Man: What he meant is that Monster Island is actually a peninsula!
- Lisa tries out for volleyball. Instead of catching the ball, one of the points on her hair pops it. The coach has this to say:Coach: Children, that was our only ball. There'll be no team this year.
- Homer allows Lisa to ride in the passenger seat of his car.Homer: Okay, little buddy, hop in!
(Bart steps forward)
Homer: Ah bah! I mean my little girl buddy.
Lisa: That's very nice, Dad, but it's wrong for you to reward violent, competitive behavior. However, I will sit up front with you if it's a fatherly gesture of love.
Homer: Okay, hon.
(Lisa gets into the car)
Homer: Sucker! Competitive violence! That's why you're here!
- Bart fails to be a scholar due to him being a slacker in school all his life and irritating Mrs. Krabappel. Jimbo, Kearney, and Nelson restrain Bart to the ground.Nelson: (beating up Bart) This is for wasting teacher's valuable time!
Lisa: (punches Jimbo, pulls his shirt halfway over his head) Lay off, guys! He's with me.
(Kearney and Nelson back away; Jimbo also backs away partially due to him being Lisa's teammate)
Jimbo: (pointing to Bart) It's a lucky coincidence you happen to be your sister's brother!
- Lisa has finally given in to the more primal aspects of hockey during her tenure as goalie:Lisa: Look! Ralph Wiggum lost his shin guards! Hack the bone! Hack the bone!
- And Homer's reaction:Homer: Wow! Eye of a tiger, mouth of a teamster! (turns to Bart) And to think of all the time I wasted on you! (sees Marge glaring at him) Uh, not wasted, I mean... uh... I love you, boy. (condescendingly pats Bart on the head)
- And Homer's reaction:
- The success Lisa has in hockey begins to make Bart jealous.Bart: (sarcastically) Hello, Queen Lisa.
Lisa: Bart! What are you doing in my room?
Bart: Lisa, certain differences, rivalries, if you will, have come up between us. At first I thought we could talk it over like civilized people. But instead, I just ripped the head off Mr. Honeybunny! (holds up a headless stuffed rabbit in one hand, its head in the other hand)
Lisa: Bart, that was your cherished childhood toy.
Bart: Aah! Mr. Honeybunny! (tries to repair it, kisses it numerous times)
Homer: (from downstairs) Quiet down, Bart!
Lisa: Bart, just get outta here.
Bart: Hey: it's a free country. You get out.
Lisa: That doesn't make sense.
Bart: I know you are, but what am I?
Lisa: Get Out!, get out!
Bart: OK, but on my way, I'm going to be doing this. (windmills arms) If you get hit, it's your own fault.
Lisa: OK, then I'm going to start kicking air like this. (kicks) And if any part of you should fill that air, (kicks) it's your own fault.
- They walk towards each other, then start fighting. In the kitchen, Marge overhears Bart and Lisa's yells as she's taking a pie out of the oven.Marge: Oh, I better go check that out. (to Homer) Now Homer, don't you eat this pie!
Homer: Okay... (Marge leaves) All right, pie, I'm just gonna do this. (chomps air 3 times) And if you get eaten, it's your own fault! (walks towards the pie, chomps air 5 times, and his head hits the range head) Ow! Oh, my... aw, the hell with it. (grabs the pie and eats it, chewing noisily)
- They walk towards each other, then start fighting. In the kitchen, Marge overhears Bart and Lisa's yells as she's taking a pie out of the oven.
- At the hockey game between Bart's team and Lisa's team, Homer asks Marge which kid she likes best.Homer: Now that were all alone, Marge, admit it, you like Lisa best.
Homer: Oh, so youre a Bart-woman are you?!
Homer: Well you can't possible like Maggie best. What has she ever done? Nothin' for nobody!
(Maggie jumps up to intercept a beer bottle flying at Homer's head)
- Bart and Lisa exchanging pre-game banter:Bart: Good luck out there, Lisa. I'll try not to hurt you!
Lisa: Don't worry, I'm carrying my lucky rabbit's head! (shows Bart Mr Honneybunny's head on a chain)
Bart: (gasps) Mr Honneybunny, you inhuman monster!
Lisa: You wanna piece of me?!
(The two start laying into each other, until Apu and Chief Wiggum separate them)
Apu: Stop it, stop it! Conserve your precious hatred for the game.
- Chief Wiggum releasing all of his prisoners so that they'd come out and watch his Little League hockey team play on the grounds that they won't commit any more crimes, and Snake saying straight to his face that what he's saying is sheer lunacy and that there'd be no promises.
- The crowd's reaction to the tie. This bit gets a bit of bonus funny when you realize that the NHL doesn't do ties anymore, adopting an overtime/shootout format. There are a lot of hockey fans these days who would love to see a tie.Man in audience: Tie game?
Woman: What the hell?
Hans Moleman: We paid for bloooooood!
Chief Wiggum: Let's tear this place apart!
(they do, the entire stadium falls apart instantly)
- Snake reacts to Bart and Lisa hugging.Snake: Those two are, like, so sweet. If only they'd had peewee hockey when I was a lad. (beat) Oh well. (picks up crowbar and uses it to start tearing the stadium seats apart)
- After the weather forecast the previous night has predicted a snowstorm, Lisa tricks Bart into going outside in his pajamas:Bart: You're going to eat a blizzard of— (looks around and sees no snow) ...unseasonable warmth?
Lisa: I made the snowball from the frost in our freezer!
(all the kids laugh at him)
Jimbo: Nice PJs, Simpson. Did your mommy by 'em for ya?
Bart: Of course she did. Who else would have?
Jimbo: All right, Simpson, you win this round.
112. - Homer Badman
- A flashback shows how Homer got the winning candy bar — rummaging through a bunch of them at the Kwik-E-Mart.Apu: Hey. Hey! Hey! I have asked you nicely not to mangle my merchandise. You leave me no choice but to... ask you nicely again.
- Bart is disappointed finding out which babysitter will watch Lisa, Maggie, and him.Marge: (the doorbell rings) Oh, that's the babysitter. No one in town will sit for you two anymore. I had to choose between a grad student at the university and a scary-looking hobo.
Bart: (goes to answer door) Please the hobo, please the hobo, please the hobo.. (opens it)
Ashley: Hi, I'm Ashley Grant.
Bart: (groans) Oh...
- Homer steals the Gummi Venus-De-Milo. Marge and him make a daring escape from the candy convention. Homer mixes a can of cola with some Pop Rocks and uses it like a grenade to stop the candy conventioneers from advancing.Homer: SEE YOU IN HELL, CANDY BOYS! [he dramatically jumps away from the explosion]
- The writers referred to this as "a parody of every Bruce Willis movie ever made".
- Homer's reaction to an angry mob of protestors showing up at the Simpson residence.Homer: Oh, no! The candy conventioneers tracked us down!
Ashley: There he is! There's the man that sexually harassed me!
Homer: Phew! For a minute there, I thought I was in big trouble. It's just the — (realizes) D'oh!
- This particular chant from the protestors:Protestors: Two, four, six, eight, Homer's crime was very great! Great meaning large or immense, we use it in the pejorative sense!
- The protestors rocking Homer's car as he tries to get to work. They continuing doing this even when he's at his work station.Protestor 1: Try pushing your buttons now!
Protestor 2: We're not even crazy about nuclear power!
Smithers: (walking in) Hey, you people aren't allowed in here! (the protesters go quiet)
Homer: (dejected) It's okay, they're with me. (Smithers leaves and they get back to yelling at Homer)
- As Homer gets out of the shower, he sees a helicopter hovering outside his bathroom window, causing him to shriek and fall over, getting wrapped in his shower curtain. It is quickly being shown on the television.Newsman: Simpson scandal update: Homer sleeps nude in an oxygen tent, which he believes gives him sexual powers!
Homer: Hey, that's a half-truth!
- Kent Brockman: This is hour 57 of our live, round-the-clock coverage outside the Simpson estate. Remember, by the way, to tune in at 8:00 for highlights of today's vigil, including when the garbage man came and when Marge Simpson put the cat out...possibly because it was harassed, we don't know. Of course, there's no way to see into the Simpson home without some kind of infrared heat-sensitive camera. So, let's turn it on. (screen shows blue house, orange Simpsons watching TV) Now, this technology is new to me, but... I'm pretty sure that's Homer Simpson in the oven, rotating slowly. (closeup of oven - it's very obviously cooking a turkey or chicken) His body temperature has risen to over 400 degrees - he's literally stewing in his own juices..
- Homer needs help to clear his name.Homer: Help me, God! (phone rings and Homer answers) ...Hello?
Deep Voice: Hello Homer. This is God...frey Jones from the TV magazine show "Rock Bottom".
- The intro to the Rock Bottom TV show mentions another story.Godfrey Jones: Tonight, on "Rock Bottom", we investigate a sex farm for sex hookers.
(cut to a farmer being interviewed)
Farmer: Ah keep telling yer, Ah only grow sorghum here.
Interviewer: Uh huh. And where are the hookers?
Farmer: 'Round back... oops.
- In an edited version of Homer's interview with Godfrey Jones, the splices are discernible because the clock in the background keeps changing times.note Homer: Somebody had to take the babysitter home, then I noticed she was sitting on / her / sweet can / so I grabbed / her / sweet can / Ohhhh, just thinking about / her / can / I just wish I had / her / sweet / sweet / s / s / sweet can /Godfrey: So, Mr. Simpson, you admit you grabbed her can. What do you have to say in your defense?
(There is a clearly freeze-framed image of Homer, VCR artifacts and all, looking like a buffoon.)
Godfrey: Mr. Simpson, your silence will only incriminate you further!
(The frozen image of Homer begins to slowly zoom in.)
Godfrey: No, Mr. Simpson, don't take your anger out on me! Get back! Get back! M-Mr. Simpson! NOOOO! (freeze frame on the shouting Godfrey)
Announcer: (quickly) Dramatization. May not have happened.
- The gripping portrayal in Homer S.: Portrait of an Ass-Grabber (starring Dennis Franz).
- Homer imagines how life would be like for the family through an "Under the Sea" parody sequence, during which he happily gorges himself on the friendly, dancing sea creatures.Marge: Homer, that's your solution to everything: to move under the sea. It's not gonna happen.
Homer: Not with that attitude!
- Being disappointed that nobody outside the family believes him, Homer goes to his bedroom to be alone.Lisa: Sorry, Dad, we do believe in you, we really do.
Bart: It's just hard not to listen to TV: it's spent so much more time raising us than you have.
Homer: Oh, maybe TV is right. TV's always right! (walks upstairs)
(Bart and Lisa hug the TV)
Homer: (shouting from upstairs) Are you hugging the TV?!
Bart & Lisa: No... (they kiss it)
- The list of corrections at the end of Rock Bottom is totally worth freeze framing.
113. - Grampa vs. Sexual Inadequacy
- Grampa Abe asks Homer what the problem is with Marge.Abe: Welcome home, son. I broke 2 lamps and lost all your mail. What's wrong with your wife?
Homer: Never mind, you wouldn't understand.
Abe: Protein deficiency?
Abe: Unsatisfying sex life?
Homer: N— yes. But please, don't you say that word.
Abe: What, seeex? What's so unappealing about hearing your elderly father talk about seeex? I had seeeeex.
(Homer shudders upon hearing his dad tell him "too much information")
- Homer tries to sell the tonic to a random passersby in the mall.Homer: Sir! Uh, hello sir! Yes, you look like a man who needs help satisfying his wife. So— [the man punches him in the face]
- A person in the crowd points out Homer's face being on the bottle of "Simpson & Son Revitalizing Tonic", revealing that he's not the impartial observer he claims to be. Then there's a cut to Grampa Abe and Homer being run out of town by a group of hillbillies, accompanied with the song "Foggy Mountain Breakdown" by Flatt and Scruggs (A.K.A. the Foggy Mountain Boys) playing in the background.Abe: You're the worst shill I've ever seen! You're a disgrace to the medicine show business.
Homer: They didn't start chasing us until you turned on that getaway music! (turns off radio playing banjo music)
(The chase stops; the pickup full of hillbillies comes to a halt and turns around)
- Having separated ties with Homer, Grampa Abe continues to sell his tonic with help from one of Homer's friends.Abe: And just feast your ears on this tantalizing testimonial from my own flesh and blood, the son that puts the fun in Simpson & Son, my son, Barney!
Barney: (walks out from behind a curtain) I used to be a fat, disgusting slob. (belches)
Man: That medicine seems to be giving your son a lot of gas.
Abe: I assure you his belching is the result of an unrelated alcohol problem.
Barney: Oh — (collapses)
- Grampa, while on the road with Homer: "And that's what's wrong with Bart's generation. Now as for your generation..."
- Homer spends more time with Bart and Lisa because he isn't selling tonic anymore. The kids don't appreciate it that much.Bart: No offense, Homer, but your half-assed under-parenting was a lot more fun than your half-assed over-parenting.
Homer: But I'm using my whole ass.
Lisa: Dad, it's just that too much of your love can really be...scary.
Homer: Some day you'll thank me for all this scary love. But now I've gotta go somewhere and do some serious thinking.
(Homer gets into his car and drives off)
Bart: I'm sure he meant to say "serious drinking."
Lisa: That's what I assumed.
- Lisa buys a copy Al Gore's book, Sane Planning, Sensible Tomorrow. Bart buys a book proclaiming that aliens are among us and that the American government is trying to surpress the evidence of their existence. Their purchases are sent to satellites, registered by the government, and a G-Man rushes to tell Gore... that someone finally bought a copy of his book.Al Gore: Well. This calls for a celebration. (turns on his record player)
Kool And The Gang: ♪Celebrate good times, come on!♪
Al Gore: I will.
- The scene where the increasingly paranoid kids think they've figured out what's going on:Milhouse: Okay, here's what we've got: The Rand Corporation, in conjunction with the Saucer People—
Bart: Thank you.
Milhouse: And under the supervision of... the Reverse Vampires—
Milhouse: Are forcing our parents to go to bed early in a fiendish plot to eliminate the meal of DINNER! (dramatic sting plays) We're through the looking glass here, people.
- A Deleted Scene exists that continues further with the kids finding out what is really going on... and missing the point even further, tragically cut because the showmakers felt Ralph being the one to explain it didn't make sense. But Bart's sincere delivery of his summation is gold.Ralph: I know what our parents are doing! I hid in the closet and saw them?
Children: Tell us! What happened?
Ralph: They were... having sex!
(beat, as everyone stares blankly)
Bart: Sex, eh? And where you find sex, you find the MOLE PEOPLE!
- A Deleted Scene exists that continues further with the kids finding out what is really going on... and missing the point even further, tragically cut because the showmakers felt Ralph being the one to explain it didn't make sense. But Bart's sincere delivery of his summation is gold.
- When Grandpa sits saddened in his old family home, he concludes the tonic has caused him nothing but trouble and attempts to dramatically fling it into the fireplace, whereupon it turns out to be flammable and violently explodes in his face, setting the whole room on fire.
114. - Fear of Flying
- Due to being banned from Moe's Tavern, Homer becomes sad as he can't go back.Bart: Cheer up, Homer.
Homer: (depressed) Can't.
Marge: What if you pretended that this couch were a bar? Then you could spend more nights at home with us. Huh?
Homer: I'm not going to dignify that with an answer.
Lisa: Look on the bright side, Dad. Did you know that the Chinese use the same word for "crisis" as they do for "opportunity"?
Homer: Yes! Cris-atunity!
- Homer decides that he's going to find a new bar to drink in and asks Bart where his (Homer's) wallet is at.Bart: (pulling it from his own pocket) Right here, Dad!
Homer: Thank you!
- As Homer searches for a new bar to drink and hang around in, he goes into what is very clearly a lesbian bar.Homer: Wait a minute... there's something bothering me about this place... (looks around) I know! This lesbian bar doesn't have a FIRE EXIT! Enjoy your deathtrap, ladies! (leaves)
Lesbian: What was her problem?
- And if you look closely, you'll see that there is something wrong with that place: a woman suddenly gets a tattoo and another one completely changes ethnicities!
- Homer goes to a bar which features most of the main cast of Cheers.Norm: Woody, give... give me another beer.
Woody: I'd better not Mr. Peterson. My chiropractor says I can't carry you home anymore.
Norm: Just gimme another beer, you brain dead hick! (smashes beer bottle against the bar) I'll kill ya, I'll kill all of ya!
(Norm lunges at Woody; Cliff and Frasier grab him and hold him back)
Cliff: Whoa there Normie. You got to save your pipes for karaoke!
- A man identical to Homer, wearing an unconvincing moustache, enters Moe's Bar.Guy: Greetings, good man. Might I trouble you for a drink?
Moe: Oh, get out of here, Homer.
Guy: Homer? Who is Homer? My name is Guy Incognito. I... AUGH!
(the camera pans outside as he's beaten severely and thrown out, lying unconscious on the sidewalk; the real Homer then passes by)
Homer: (gasp) Oh my God! This man is my exact double! (gasp) That dog has a fluffy tail! (he runs as he chases the dog) Hee-hee-hee-hee-hee, hee-hee-hee-hee-hee! Here Puff, here Puff! Hee-hee-hee-hee-hee!
- Homer running out of bars in Springfield.Homer: (outside the Black Box) This is it. The last bar in Springfield. If I can't get a drink here, I'll have to quit drinking.
Homer's Liver: YAY!
Homer: Shut up, liver! (he punches himself in the liver) Ohh, my liver hurts!
- As Homer's inside the Black Box, a man comes in looking for a pilot.Air traffic controller: We need a pilot, pronto! Who wants to fly to the Windy City?
(all the pilots get up)
Pilot: Me, me! I'm your man!
Air traffic controller: Conditions are a little windy...
(all the pilots immediately lose interest and sit back down. The controller goes up to Homer.)
Air traffic controller: How about you?
Air traffic controller: Hey, you're not just pretending to be a pilot so you can drink in here, are you?
Homer: Yeah, that's exactly what I am.
Air traffic controller: (laughs) Ah, you flyboys, you crack me up. (he drags Homer away)
(cut to Homer being shoved into the cockpit of a plane)
Homer: But I keep telling you, I'm not a pilot!
Air traffic controller: (angry) And I keep telling you you flyboys crack me up!
- The Simpson family comes home from the airport, after Marge decided to get off the airplane. One family member is missing.Bart: You know, I have this feeling that we forgot something.
(cut to Grampa Abe still on the airplane)
Abe: (screams) Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah! (cut back to the Simpson house)
Homer: Ehh, I'm sure it's nothing.
- Marge reveals a fear that Homer has, while he was explaining hers.Homer: Permit me to solve the mystery: your mother has a fear of flying!
Bart: So much for the days when I could say, "At least my mother's normal."
Marge: Everyone has a fear of something.
Homer: (smugly) Not everyone.
Marge: SOCK PUPPETS!
Homer: (panicked) Where!? Where?! AAAUGHH! (runs off-screen)
- Homer doesn't think Marge has a problem after the first incident.Homer: Kids, your mother is fine.
Marge: (holding the pets) I just realized we never had a wedding for the dog and the cat. They've been living in sin.
- "Springfield Psychiatric Center: Because There May Not Be Bugs On You."
- Having settled her traumatizing fear of being an airplane, Marge and Homer sit inside one and things go wrong.Homer: That's just the engine powering up... that's just the engine struggling... that's just a carp swimming around your ankles.
115. - Homer the Great
- Homer can't park near the entrance to the Springfield Nuclear Power Plant, so it turns out he parks in a spot that's on the opposite side of the house's backyard fence.
- The entire "It's a secret." "Ssssh, shut up!" Running Gag between Lenny and Carl.
- Homer wants to find out what Lenny and Carl are doing without him being involved and he tells Marge.Marge: Oh, Homer, don't start stalking people again. It's so illegal. Remember when you were stalking Charles Kuralt because you thought he dug up your garden?
Homer: Well, something did!
Marge: I don't want you stalking anyone tonight.
Homer: Oh, okay, have it your own way, Marge. I'll be back in a minute. (gets up) I'm... going outside to... stalk... Lenny and Carl. (beat) D'oh!
- Homer trying to get into the Stonecutters by saving Lenny and Carl's life.Homer: (after stomping on Lenny's sandwich) That egg sandwich could've killed you by cholesterol!
Lenny: Pfft, forget it Homer. While it has been proven that eggs contain cholesterol, it has not yet been conclusively proven that they raise the level of serum cholesterol in the human bloodstream.
Homer: (glaring) So, one of those Egg Council creeps got to you too, huh?
Lenny: Uh, you got it all wrong Homer, (makes desperate "get away" motions) I-it's not like that.
(pan to a man in an egg costume hiding behind the door. They run away as Homer chases after them.)
Homer: You'd better run, egg!
- And of course, the egg shows up as a member of the Stonecutters later.
- Part of Homer's initiation into the Stonecutters is getting his butt spanked with wooden paddles by current members.Number One: This ritual is called "Crossing the Desert".
(Homer's ass is paddled by numerous people in a line)
Number One: And this, we call "The Unblinking Eye". (more ass paddling)
Homer: Hey... have you ever noticed that the "Crossing the Desert" is a lot like "The Unblinking Eye". And it's exactly like the "Wreck of the Hesperus"!
Number One: And now, the final ordeal: "The Paddling of the Swollen Ass... With Paddles". (yet more paddling)
- Made even funnier with Patrick Stewart's Shakespearean dulcet tones.
- Homer taking the Stonecutters oath:Homer: I swear that, if I ever reveal the secrets of the Stonecutters, that my stomach shall become bloated, and my head plucked of all but three hairs.
Moe: Um, I think he should have to take a different oath.
Number One: Everybody takes the same oath!
- Once Homer's ceremony is over.Number One: Now let's all get drunk and play Ping-Pong!
- The Stonecutters song.All: "Who controls the British crown? Who keeps the metric system down? We do! We do!
Carl: Who leaves Atlantis off the maps?
Lenny: Who keeps the Martians under wraps?
Alien: We do! We do!
All: Who holds back the electric car? Who makes Steve Guttenberg a star? We do! We do!
Seymour: Who robs cavefish of their sight?
Homer: Who rigs every Oscar night?
All: We do! We do!"
- After destroying the Sacred Parchment, Homer is forced to walk home dragging the "stone of shame" behind himself while naked. Then they notice a birthmark on his ass and realize he's the Chosen One.Number One: You are the chosen one, whom the sacred parchment prophesied would lead us to glory! Now to the top of Mount Springfield for the coronation! Remove the Stone of Shame!
Number One: Attach the Stone of Triumph!
(an even bigger stone is chained to Homer's neck)
- Homer is sitting on the couch in front of the TV and talks about how significant he is currently living.Homer: I always wondered if there was a god, and now I know. There is, and it's me.
Marge: You're not a god, Homer.
Lisa: Remember, Dad, all glory is fleeting.
Lisa: Beware the Ides of March.
Lisa: Dad, I know you think you're happy now, but it's not gonna last forever!
Homer: Everything lasts forever.
Lisa: Don't you see, getting what you want all the time will ultimately leave you unfulfilled and joyless.
Homer: Remove the girl!
Lisa: Dad, you're not with your Stonecutters now. There are no lackeys to carry out your every—
(Bart appears, puts his hand over her mouth, salutes Homer, and then drags her away)
- The Stonecutters are considering a rebellion against Homer:Moe: We've gotta kill him!
Number One: Take it easy, Moe! Let's hear from the Stonecutter World Council before we act too rashly.
Orville Redenbacher: Kill him!
Jack Nicholson: Kill 'im.
Mr. T: Kill the foo'!
George H. W. Bush: Afraid I have to disagree with Orville, Jack, and Mister. Can't we just do something to his voicebox?
Season 6: part 2
116. - And Maggie Makes Three
- Homer's first attempt at storytelling clearly has a few... Embellishments.Homer: (in voiceover) I was at my workstation, when...
(the lights cut out)
Evil Brit: Attention, American Workers. Your plant has been taken over by an all-star team of freelance terrorists.
Homer: Not on my shift!
(Homer immediately leaps into an air duct. The scene moves to Mr. Burns' office, where he, Smithers and Carl are being held at gunpoint by said terrorists. Homer enters and quickly disposes of all of them effortlessly)
Homer: Simpson, 10. Terrorists, 8.
(Mr. Burns, Smithers and Carl laugh)
Lisa: (voiceover) Mom, make dad tell the story right!
- As Homer quits his job at the Nuclear Power Plant, he does humiliating things to Mr. Burns, which includes playing his (Mr. Burns') head as bongo drums.Mr. Burns: Oh, I should be resisting this, but I'm paralysed with rage. And island rhythms.
- One of Homer's punishments is removing the coaster from underneath Burn's drink. He's actually enraged by this.
- Marge doesn't want Patty and Selma to give Homer the news about her pregnancy, so they do something to get the news out in a different way.Marge: I've got to tell Homer about this baby in just the right way and at just the right time. Until then, please, keep this to yourselves.
Patty: (with a smirk) Oh, if he found out now, it would probably destroy him, huh?
Marge: Oh, yes.
Patty & Selma: Gotta go!
Marge: Wait a minute! Wait, I know that look. Now promise you won't tell Homer.
Selma: Oh, we promise we won't tell...Homer.
- At their apartment, they rush to the phonebook, and open it to page one.Patty: (on the phone) Hello, is this A. Aaronson? It might interest to you to know that Marge Simpson is pregnant, again.
(the scene fades away, making it look like a lot of time has passed, and the phonebook is on the last page)
Patty: (on the phone) Just thought you'd like to know, Mr. Zykowski. (hangs up) There. Aaronson and Zykowski are the two biggest gossips in town. In an hour, everyone will know.
- At their apartment, they rush to the phonebook, and open it to page one.
- Indeed, soon everyone knows except Homer, who's going to his new job at the bowling alley.Homer: Ah, another perfect day in my perfect life with my perfect job.
Chief Wiggum: Hey, just heard the news over the squawk box. That's nice work, Homer.
Homer: Thank you, thank you very much. It is nice work.
Apu: Oh, Mr. Simpson, I have just heard about the little bundle of joy. Congratulations, sir!
Homer: It's true, the bundle is little, but I'm not in it for the money.
Moe: Hey, Homer! Way to get Marge pregnant.
Homer: This is getting very abstract, but thank you: I ''do'' enjoy working at the bowling alley.
- When Homer arrives home, people are just throwing Marge a baby shower.Homer: Hey, it's me. It's hell out there! Hey, wait a minute. What are all these presents? It looks like you're... showering Marge with gifts. Hmm...with little, tiny baby-sized gifts. Well, I'll be in the tub.
Maude: By the way, congratulations on your new job, Homer.
Homer: New job? ...Marge is pregnant?! (pulls out 1 of the 3 hairs on the top of his head) Noooooo!
- The flashbacks of Homer ripping out all his hair after learning about Bart and Lisa.
- Homer sets up a flashback to his being devastated about Marge's pregnancy, as it will screw up the family's finances. And then Homer's head explodes.Homer: (moans) We're doomed! Doomed I tell ya! AAAAAUUUGH! (his head swells up and explodes)
Marge: (in reality) Bart, let your father tell the story!
Bart: Okay, but I know funny.
Homer: (in the story) We're doomed!
Marge: (disembodied) Homer, you had a head.
Homer: (disembodied) Check.
(his head pops out of the collar of his pajamas)
Marge: (disembodied) And your bottom was a little bigger.
Homer: (disembodied) Aww. (his butt inflates slightly)
- Homer tells the family they're going to have to cut back on spending, leading to this very underrated joke:Homer: From now on, we use regular toilet paper, not that fancy quilted kind.
[Bart's face contorts in rage, he runs at the wall behind him and then punches it]
- Homer wants to increase business for the bowling alley so he can get a raise. First, we see him sitting at the table and reading Advanced Marketing. Cut to the book in the trash can and Homer reading Beginning Marketing. Cut to that book in the trash can and Homer looking up the word "marketing" in the dictionary. Finally, cut to Homer staring at a bowling ball.
- Homer tries to increase business at the bowling alley by firing a rifle into the air while shouting, "Bowling! Bowling! Get you bowling here!" He ends up scaring people.Lisa: Mom, make Dad tell the story right!
Marge: (exasperated) That's what happened.
Lisa: (disappointed) Oh.
117. - Bart's Comet
- Willie tries to shoot down the "Big-Butt Skinner" balloon and attracts the attention of two jets. Mistaking him for an Iraqi fighter jet, one jet fires a sidewinder missile which hits the other jet. He then fires a second missile which turns around and hits him.
- The pilots aren't even phased.Pilot 1: This is what happens when you take money out of the military and put it into healthcare!
Pilot 2: It's a good program, just give it a chance, that's all I ask!
(Their parachutes disintegrate, causing the two to plummet to the ground, where they immediately start pummelling each other)
- The pilots aren't even phased.
- The constellation◊ of "The Three Wise Men".
- After Principal Skinner tries to get the "Big-Butt Skinner" balloon down, he finds that Bart was making a call on his cell phone. He hears the astronomer tell Bart that he discovered a comet, yells, "NOOOO!" and let's the balloon go. Upon realizing he let the balloon go, Seymour yells, "NOOOO!!!!" again. Then, a newspaper boy drops off the morning issue, in which the headline reads, "PREZ SEZ: SCHOOL IS FOR LOSERS!" Seymour ends the act with a Big "NO!".
- The attempt to blow up the comet with a missile fails.Lisa: It blew up the bridge! We're doomed.
Homer: It's times like this I wish I were a religious man.
Rev. Lovejoy: (running down the street) It's all over, people! We don't have a prayer!
- A bill to save Springfield is defeated:Kent Brockman: With our utter annihilation imminent, our federal government has snapped into action. We go live now via satellite to the floor of the United States congress.
Speaker: Then it is unanimous, we are going to approve the bill to evacuate the town of Springfield in the great state of —
Congressman: Wait a minute, I want to tack on a rider to that bill: $30 million of taxpayer money to support the perverted arts.
Speaker: All in favor of the amended Springfield-slash-pervert bill?
Speaker: Bill defeated. (bangs gavel)
- Kent Brockman then comments on his "final" newscast.Kent: I've said it before and I'll say it again: Democracy simply doesn't work. Now, over the years, a newsman learns a number of things that for one reason or another, he just cannot report. But it doesn't seem to matter now, so...the following people are gay: (rapidly scrolling Long List appears)
Marge: (disgusted) Turn it off.
Homer: (taking notes) Just a second...
- Homer predicts that the comet will burn up in the atmosphere and end up the size of a Chihuahua's head. Bart, Lisa and Marge all groan when he mentions that they will be horribly crushed from above somehow if he's not right.Homer: Okay, if you're that worried about it, let's go down to the bomb shelter.
Lisa: We have a bomb shelter?
Homer: Homer Simpson takes care of his family.
(cut to the family at the Flanders' backyard bomb shelter)
Homer: (pounds on the door with his left fist 3 times) Flanders! Open up! (Ned opens the door)
Ned: H-Heidi-ho-arooni, neighbor. What can I do ya for?
Homer: Get outta there! My family needs to use your bomb shelter.
Ned: Ho-ho, I kinda figured this might happen, so I built the shelter big enough for both our families!
Homer: (sternly) No deal, out.
Marge: Get in the shelter, Homer!
- When the door to the Flanders' bomb shelter can't be closed because it's stuffed full with the residents of Springfield, someone has to get out. Krusty starts listing the people they'll need after the comet hits; Moe says they'll need power, which Homer can do. Homer looks around shiftily, and says "Uh, yeah... I can do that." After Reverend Lovejoy starts over on the list, Homer declares that left-handed stores won't be needed, and therefore Ned Flanders should leave the bomb shelter he owns (while also making hushed apologies to Rod & Todd).
- Moe Szyslak decides that the people can play a game as they wait for the comet to destroy Springfield. The game turns into havoc.Moe: Hey, uh, I got an idea. We can play a game to pass the time. Uh, I'll make the sound of a barnyard animal, and, er, you all try to guess what it is. Ah-ahem. (makes some unidentifiable noise)
Chief Wiggum: It's a pig!
Bart: It's a cow, man.
Lisa: It's a pony.
Krusty: No, it's a goat. You know, one of them lady goats.
Selma: There are no lady goats! A lady goat is a sheep.
Dr. Hibbert: I believe she's right.
Otto: You're crazy.
Captain McCallister: Arr, what's it to you?
Otto: What's it to me?
(Everyone starts arguing)
Marge: Stop it! Stop it! Can't you see this barnyard noise guessing game is tearing us apart? (there's a long silence inside as Ned is Heard singing "Que Sera Sera" outside) Say, Moe, was it a duck?
(everyone argues again)
Homer: NO! NO! SHUT UP! SHUT UP! STOP IT! STOP IT! I can't take this any more. I can't let that brave man out there die alone! I'm surprised and disgusted by all of you, especially his children! I'm going out there! (shuts the door, then opens it again) And it was a baby ox! (shuts the door again)
Moe: He's right you know.
Seymour: About the ox?
Moe: (angrily) ABOUT EVERYTHING damn it! Hey Homer wait up, I wanna die too!
- The citizens of Springfield deciding to burn down the Observatory, so nothing like this ever happens again. Bart and Lisa then comment on how what Homer predicted came true.Homer: I know, kids - I'm scared too.
(Homer hugs Bart and Lisa, and all 3 of them look around terrified)
- This is followed by a relaxing waltz instrumental of "Que Sera Sera" over the credits.
- In a deleted scene, Ned lets Bart read a censored Ranger Rick comic (basically putting a black bar where private parts are suppose to be on presumably naked cartoon characters). Ned even went so far to censor the many "genitals" on the centipede.
118. - Homie the Clown
- Krusty quickly demonstrating how frivolous he is with money.Krusty: Put $5,000 on the Lakers. Hire Kenny G. to play for me in the elevator. My house is dirty, buy me a clean one.
- Krusty getting in trouble with other, much better, comedians.Secretary: (on intercom) George Carlin on three.
Krusty: (picks up phone) Hello? Uh-huh, uh-huh. Lawsuit?! Oh come on! My "7 Words You Can't Say on TV" bit was entirely different from your "7 Words You Can't Say on TV" bit! So I'm a thief, am I? Well, excuuuuuuuuuuuuuuse ME! (hangs up and turns to his financial advisor) Give him 10 grand!
Secretary: (on intercom) Steve Martin on four.
Krusty: 10 grand!
- Krusty responds to his financial advisor's suggestion of opening a clown college.Krusty: Forget it. I'll just cut back on the condor egg omelettes. Mmm, a couple of those would be tasty right now.
- Due to seeing a billboard for Krusty's Clown College, Homer has some clown hallucinations, complete with that circus music. He also makes a circus tent out of mashed potatoes.Homer: Maaaarge
Marge: Yes, Homie? (hums a few notes of "Entry of the Gladiators")
Homer: That's it! You people have stood in my way long enough. I'm going to clown college! (walks out the front door)
Bart: I don't think any of us expected him to say that.
- The students are trying on baggy pants, but Homer's pants fit perfectly.Krusty: Okay, we'll start off with the baggy — (sees Homer) wha? Those are supposed to be baggy pants! BAGGY!
Homer: Ooh, I've never had a pair of pants fit this well in my liiiife.
- During Krusty's demonstration of how to liven things up at a party, he throws a pie in the face of a wealthy older woman and her head gets embedded in the wall. This is what Homer took from that demonstration:Homer: "Kill wealthy dowager."
- Krusty demonstrating props:Krusty: These Krusty-brand balloons are three bucks each. Get a cheap one, and what happens? It goes off, takes out the eyeballs of every kid in the room. What's that gonna cost ya? (to nearby man) Hey Bill, what'd that cost us?
- Krusty goes through the funny place names during clown college and Homer laughs hysterically at Seattle.
- As Homer is riding on the tiny bicycle, his pants get raveled up in the axles as he continues pedaling. It exposes his naked rear end.Krusty: (to his financial advisor) Uhh, burn that seat.
- On graduation day at Krusty's Clown College, Krusty gives out the diplomas and shakes the recipients' hands with a joy buzzer. When it's Homer's turn, he swipes the diploma from Krusty's hand before he gets zapped.Homer: Got it! No shock for me! (he turns and runs away) Hee-hee-hee-hee!
Krusty: Oh yeah?!
(Krusty catches up to Homer and shocks him repeatedly; Homer yells out in pain while Krusty laughs at his expense)
- Homer's first gig as Krusty the Clown has him dropping in by parachute. His yelling increases in volume as he rapidly reaches the ground and lands on a structure; the parachute follows shortly afterward. Then, Homer sees the Krusty-Burglar.Boy: It's the Krusty-Burglar!
Homer: Oh, my God! He's stealing all the burgers! Why you little... I — got you!
(Homer immediately starts beating the crap out of the Krusty-Burglar, as the kids in attendance watch in horror)
Announcer: Uh, H-Homer, it's all ju-just an act.
Boy: (sobbing) Stop! Sto-o-o-o-o-p! He's already dead!
(two guards have to drag Homer away)
Announcer: Uh, Krusty the Clown, everybody?
(scattered applause from the kids)
Krusty-Burglar: (in Slavic accent) Please look at my medical alert bracelet. (groans)
- While impersonating Krusty to get free stuff, Homer takes the family out to Luigi's.Luigi: Hey, Krusty, what a beautiful date, and such lovely children.
Bart: I'm more striking than lovely.
Luigi: Come with me. You don't want to sit with the rest of this scum.
(The various customers start complaining, Luigi steps back into frame.)
Luigi: I only consider you scum compared to Krusty!
(The customers stop complaining and calm down)
Luigi: Yeah, you see how you scum.
- Homer's sheer delight at getting a bucket of paint. For free!
- Krusty bets against the Harlem Globetrotters, apparently not knowing it's all a show.Financial Advisor: Let me get this straight. You took all the money you made franchising your name and bet it against the Harlem Globetrotters?
Krusty: Oh, I thought the Generals were due! HE'S SPINNING THE BALL ON HIS FINGER! JUST TAKE IT! TAKE THE BALL!
(a Globetrotter on TV kicks the basketball off his foot backwards and it goes through the hoop)
Krusty: That game was fixed! They were using a freakin' ladder, for God's sake!
- Two words: Speed holes.Homer: I want everything that's coming to Krusty the Klown, which is me! Krusty!
(the mafia hide behind a fence and Louie takes out a gun)
Louie: Hey! It's Krusty, alright. Should I shoot him ganglance style or execution style?
Fat Tony: Listen to your heart.
Car Salesman: Well I can't give you the car, Krusty, but I can let you have this little number for practically nothing. Only 38 thousand.
(bullets hit the car)
Homer: Hey, what are all these holes?
Salesman: These are speed holes. They make the car go faster.
Homer: Oh yeah, speed holes.
(more bullets hit the car, popping the tires and shattering the windows)
Salesman: You want my advice? I think you should buy this car
Fat Tony: We need more ammo. Let's go to Big 5!
(Homer is hitting his car with a pick)
- Homer putting speed holes in his car.
Ned: Watcha' diddly-doing, neighbour?
Homer: Putting speed holes in my car. Makes it go faster!
Ned: Is that so?! Well, gee, maybe the old Flanders-mobile could use a—(gets shot and stands back up) Wow! Lucky, I always keep a Bible close to my heart, huh? (gets shot and stands up again) Ho ho ho! Lucky, I was wearing an extra-large piece of the True Cross today. (looks around nervously) I think I'll go inside. (runs away)
(another bullet hits Homer's pick, causing its head to whizz around)
Homer: What keeps doing that?
(cut to the mafia hiding from a bush where they've ran out of bullets)
Fat Tony: I knew we should have brought more than three bullets.
- To avoid Fat Tony and the rest of the Legitimate Businessman's Club, Krusty flees the U.S.A. and gets plastic surgery in a foreign country.Plastic Surgeon: Krusty, your plastic surgery is complete. Now, when I remove the bandages, don't be alarmed at the total stranger staring back at you.
Krusty: (looks in mirror) AAAAAAAAHHH! I LOOK EXACTLY THE SAME, YOU MORON!
Plastic Surgeon: Oh, nonsense, Krusty. You look at least 10 years younger. Plus I did your breasts.
Krusty: Does anybody hear me complaining about the breasts?
- Homer gets abducted by Fat Tony and his henchmen due to his resemblance to Krusty.Homer: But, wait! You can't kill me for being Krusty. I'm not him. I'm Homer Simpson!
Fat Tony: The same Homer Simpson who crashed his car through the wall of our club?
Homer: Uh, actually, my name is Barney, Yeah. Barney Gumble.
Legs: The same Barney Gumble who keeps taking pictures of my sister?
Homer: Uh, actually, my real name is, uh — think, Krusty, think. — Joe Valachi!
Louie: The same Joe Valachi who squealed to the Senate Committee about Organized Crime?
Homer: Benedict Arnold!
Legs: The same Benedict Arnold who plotted to surrender West Point to the hated British?
- At the very end of the episode, we learn just how much Krusty owed the mob in gambling debts: $48.
119. - Bart vs. Australia
- Lisa tries to explain the Coriolis effect to Bart.Lisa: Bart, water will only go the other way in the Southern Hemisphere.
Bart: What the hell is the Southern Hemisphere?
Lisa: Haven't you ever looked at your globe? (she tears off wrapping paper on a gift with a tag reading "Happy Birthday! Love Grampa" on it) See, the Southern Hemisphere is made up off everything below the equa... (stares at Bart) this line.
Bart: So say in Argentina, and Rand McNally (points at Rand McNally logo on globe), all their water goes backwards?
Lisa: Uh-huh. In fact, in Rand McNally, people wear hats on their feet and hamburgers eat people.
Bart: (impressed) Cool!
- Bart calls a man living on an island engulfed in lava from a recent volcanic eruption. When he sees a pay phone floating by and ringing, he reaches over and ends up drowned/incinerated.
- The President of a South American country that isn't Brazil misinterprets Bart's phone call as a sign that his people are revolting against the government.Bart: (slowly) Which way does the water turn in your toilet?
Aide: (in Spanish) He says the tide is turning!
Presidente: (in Spanish) Ay, carumba! Then the rebels will soon take the capital. I must flee! (dives out window)
- One of the people Bart calls is an aged Adolf Hitler, who's still alive in South America.Hitler: Eine Minute, eine Minute! Ach! Das Wagen-phone ist ein...Nuisancephone! (Just a minute, Just a minute! Augh! This carphone is a Nuisance phone.)Nazi passing by on bike: *Salutes* Buenos Noches, Mein Fuhrer! (Good Evening, My Fuhrer!)Hitler: Ja, Ja! (Yes, yes!)
- A koala gets electrocuted when Bart makes his phone call to Australia. Doubly funny as it immediately just climbs back up now singed and smoking to try again.
- Bruno Drundridge is upset about his phone bill of $900 and tells someone about it.Bruno: Ooh! Ah, that's it. I'm going to report this to me member of Parliament. (yells out window) Hey, Gus! I got something to report to you.
(Gus is tending his swine)
Gus: That's a bloody outrage, it is! I want to take this all the way to the Prime Minister. (they go down to a lake) Hey! Mr. Prime Minister! Andy!
Andy: (floating naked on an inner tube with a beer) Eh, mates! What's the good word?
- Homer mispronounces the country of Uruguay ignorantly.Homer: (looking at globe) There it is! Aus-tra-li-a. I'll be damned. (laughs) Look at this country: U-R-Gay! (the family just looks at him)
- Homer in the Australian pub:Pub bartender: What'll it be, yank?
Homer: Gimme one of those famous giant beers I've heard so much about!
(the bartender pulls a giant can of Fosters onto the bar. Homer stares at it in alarm.)
Bartender: Somethin' wrong, yank?
Homer: (dejectedly) No. It's pretty big, I guess...
- Marge wants coffee, but the bartender will only serve beer.Marge: I'll just have a cup of coffee.
Bartender: Beer it is.
Marge: No, I said coffee.
Homer: Hey! Are you like one of those English guards who can't laugh or smile or anything?
- Homer Harassing a U.S. Marine who is standing guard in front of the American Embassy in Australia.
(Homer makes silly faces and laughs in front of the Marine; the Marine gives a blank stare for a few seconds before finally punching Homer in the face)
Marine: No, Sir! US Marine Corps, Sir!
- The same U.S. Marine punches Homer in the face after Homer does his irritating "Australia/America" schtick.Bart: Hey, G.I. Joe, your sign's broken. We're already in Australia.
Marine: Actually, sir, the embassy is considered American soil, sir!
Homer: Really? Look, boy, now I'm in Australia... (jumps over the line) Now I'm in America! (jumps back over) Australia! (jumps) America!
Bart: (flatly) I get it, Dad.
Homer: Australia! America!
Marge: (exasperated) Homer, that's enough!
Homer: Australia! America! (Marine punches him) Ow!
Marine: Here in America, we don't tolerate that kind of crap, sir!
- The whole scene involving the Australians choosing a boot to use on Bart.Homer: What kinda sick country would kick someone with a giant boot?
Conover: Mr. Simpson, shush! Disparaging the boot is a bootable offense, it's one of their proudest traditions!
- Many people in Australia chase The Simpsons, including some thugs from Mad Max.
- As Bart and Homer get close to the embassy gates, the ambassador sees them approaching, and tries to shut them out, pressing a large button with the words "MADE WITH PRIDE IN THE USA" underneath it. As expected, the gate shuts halfway, allowing Homer and Bart to get in.
- Bart moons the Australians with the words "DON'T TREAD ON ME" written on his posterior. Then the family runs from the angry mob and escapes by boarding a helicopter.Marge: I'm glad you're OK, honey, but I wish you'd chosen a more tasteful way to be patriotic.
Lisa: I'm impressed you were able to write so legibly on your own butt.
120. - Homer vs. Patty and Selma
- Homer almost spills the beans about the financial problem he is in.Marge: Homer! Homer, wake up! There's still a few minutes 'til our usual bedtime.
Homer: Oh, my invention! All our money problems could have been...
Marge: Money problems? Homer, are we in some sort of fiduciary trouble?
Homer: (imagines Marge dressed like a queen) Oh, Marge, my loyal wife, of course not. (Lisa walks up; Homer imagines her differently) And Lisa, my little princess. (Bart walks up) And who could forget dear Ratboy? (envisions Bart to look like a rat)
Bart: "Ratboy"?! I resent that! (gnaws on doorframe)
Marge: Bart, I told you before, stop gnawing on the drywall.
- After Homer throws Patty and Selma out the first time, Marge goes out to apologies to them.Marge: He's just a very complicated man.
(Homer leans out of the bedroom window above and smashes a plate over his head)
- Patty and Selma force Homer to light cigarettes for them.Homer: Request permission to slink by.
Patty: Permission pending. First...light our cigarettes.
Homer: But you're already smoking cig — (they stub them and take new ones, clearing their throats) You're really pushing it.
- Homer accidentally throws Marge out of the house as he's kicking Patty and Selma out after the Gruesome Twosome rat Homer out on his bad investment.
- Homer takes up a job as a limousine driver to work off his debt to Patty and Selma. He is seen driving Mel Brooks.Homer: Oh wow, I can't believe my first passenger is comedy legend Mel Brooks. You know that movie, "Young Frankenstein"? Scared the hell out of me!
Mel Brooks: Umm, thanks.
- Homer's conversation with Brooks gets weird.Homer: Sir, today, ever nation has a national anthem. Did they have national anthems back in your day?
Mel Brooks: Sure, sure. Of course, back then we was caves, but every cave had a national anthem. I'll never forget my cave's national anthem...
Homer: And what was that national anthem, sir?
Brooks: (singing) Let 'em all go ta Hell, except Cave 76!
- Mel Brooks: (to Chief Wiggum) How about you be Carl Reiner, and I be Police Chief Wiggum. I HATE Carl Reiner!
- Homer's conversation with Brooks gets weird.
- Bart falls in a ditch as he's being chased by bullies for admitting his love of ballet.(as he's about to jump, Bart sees the disembodied head of his ballet instructor)
Instructor: Jump, Bart. Use the Ballet! Leap like you've never leapt before!
(Bart takes a running jump... and then falls halfway over)
Lisa: Bart, you've shown a sensitive side of yourself which can never be hidden. From this day forward, we are kindred spirits. (she leaves)
- And the bullies are ultimately okay with this turn of events, "as long as he's hurt!"
- Then Lisa appears:
Bart: (weakly) Why did she just leave me here when I clearly need medical attention?
- Since Homer had his chauffer's license revoked, he needs to take a DMV driver's test, overseen by none other than both Patty and Selma.Patty: Well, well, well: look who needs us again to get his chauffeur's license.
Homer: Look, all I ask is that you be fair.
Patty: Oh! Did not adjust side mirror. Minus 1 point.
Selma: Failed to check blind spot. Minus 2 points.
Homer: You won't be happy until my family thinks I'm a loser, will you?
Patty: You are a loser, Homer...and we're winners. You gotta learn that.
Selma: Ooh, seat belt twisted. Minus 1 point.
Homer: Nagging the driver. Minus 10 points for you!
Patty: Grazed a cone. Minus 5 points!
Homer: Being a jerk. Minus a million points!
- Homer saves Patty and Selma from potentially getting fired (or at least downgraded) for smoking at work by grabbing both cigarettes and smoking them himself.DMV Manageress: Wait a minute! Those are yours, sir?
Homer: (monotone) Yes. (coughs) I am in flavor country.
DMV Manageress: (skeptical) Both of them?
Homer: (hacks) It's a big country.
DMV Manageress: (to Patty & Selma) Ladies, I apologize. (to Homer) And you, sir, are worse than Hitler. (slaps him)
- Patty and Selma try to repay Homer for taking the blame. Homer ends up getting what he wants.Patty: Homer, um...I'm speechless. You just saved our hides.
Homer: Please, on top of everything else, don't make me picture your hides!
Marge: That's a wonderful thing you did for my sisters.
Homer: I didn't do it for them...I did it for you, Marge. I'd kill for you. Please ask me to kill for you...
Marge: No, Homey. You see? You see, this is the stuff I've been telling you about that you never see!
Selma: If there's anything we can do to make it up...
Homer: Call off the debt?
Patty: Or, say, we could let you pass your driver's test...
Homer: Call off the debt?
Homer: Debt's off! Let's go, Marge. (he grabs Marge. They go to his car and get in; the tires squeal as it leaves)
- Patty and Selma try to repay Homer for taking the blame. Homer ends up getting what he wants.
- Homer, looking for money and having been denied a loan by the bank, goes elsewhere:Moe: Sure, Homer, I can lend you money. But since ya got no collateral, I'm gonna hafta break your legs in advance.
Homer: Gosh, Moe, I use these all the time. Couldn't you just bash my head in?
Moe: (now angry) Hey, are you loan shark? Do you understand how finance works? (lifts up a sledgehammer from under the bar) Now let's get cracking on them knees!
(Homer flees the bar)
- When Homer finally turns to Patty and Selma for a loan, the two break into an Evil Laugh. Homer slowly joins in, the three of them stand there laughing... until Patty and Selma finally stop when Homer breaks into genuine, uncontrollable SHRIEKS of laughter for no reason whatsoever. See here.Patty: Cut him a check and get him the hell out of here!
- At the DMV, Marge asks Homer that he try to be nice to Patty and Selma (even though they're the ones antagonizing him). Homer ain't taking.Homer: Alright, Marge, I'll try to be nice to them. And then I will hug and kiss some poisonous snakes. Yes, I will hug and kiss some poisonous SNAKES! ... now that's sarcasm.
121. - A Star Is Burns
- That Springfield is backwards scientifically is shown on TV where Principal Skinner about to be burned at the stake.Seymour: I'm telling you people, the Earth revolves around the Sun!
Abe: Burn him! (he starts to light Principal Skinner on fire)
Photographer: (takes a picture) What a story!
Abe: (chasing the photographer) You've stolen my soul!
- At the town hall meeting, Patty and Selma give their suggestion of how to improves Springfield's image and attract more tourism.Patty: The easiest way to become popular is to leech off the popularity of others.
Selma: That's why we propose changing the name of the town from Springfield to Seinfeld. (Seinfeld-like scene transition music is heard)
- Then we get to Bart's suggestion, which is just a ploy to moon the town with a slide of his own butt. He attempts to escape by rising up with the retracting projector screen, but gets rolled up inside it instead.Bart: Aww, this is the last time I use an escape plan devised by Milhouse!
Milhouse: (rolled up in the other end of the screen) Sorry, Bart...
- Then we get to Bart's suggestion, which is just a ploy to moon the town with a slide of his own butt. He attempts to escape by rising up with the retracting projector screen, but gets rolled up inside it instead.
- Bart films Homer putting on his trademark blue pants and names the film "The Eternal Struggle". It's apparently a part of a series, alongside "Homer in the Shower" and "Homer on the Toilet".
- As Rainier Wolfcastle is being interviewed by Jay Sherman, a clip of "McBain: Let's Get Silly!" is seen.McBain: Did you ever notice how men always leave the toilet seat up? (beat) That's the joke.
Random Man: You suck, McBain!
(McBain pulls out a machine gun from his jacket and starts firing at the audience)
- Rainier Wolfcastle continues talking about the movie.Rainier: The film is just me in front of a brick wall for an hour and a half. It cost $80,000,000.
Jay: (disgusted) How do you sleep at night?
Rainier: On top of a pile of money with many beautiful ladies.
Jay: (disgusted again) Just askin'. Yeesh.
- Rainier Wolfcastle continues talking about the movie.
- Also, why Jay decided to go to Springfield;Jay: (After Marge's letter out on the streets) Do I really want to leave Manhattan?
Rainier: (Angrily confronts Jay) Mr. Sherman, I just realized you insulted me! (draws unfeasibly large gun) Now you will die.
Jay: Uh, hey nudnik, your shoes are untied!
Rainier: From here they appeared to be tied, but I will go in for a closer look. (Looks at his shoes)
Jay: Taxi! (Gets into a cab) To the airport! (Drives off)
(Fade to night. Rainier is still looking at his shoes)
Rainier: On closer inspection, these are loafers.
- The scene cuts to black with Rainier still staring at his feet.
- There's a meta-joke when Bart is about to watch The Flintstones Meet the Jetsons and moans that it's another cheap cartoon crossover. Then Homer introduces Bart to Jay Sherman.
- Homer tells Jay Sherman about winning the belching contestnote and shows off his trophy before he belches in Jay's face. Jay compliments Homer and then lets out an extremely loud and long belch that blows things around and sets off 2 car alarms, winning by a landslide.
- At the Simpson home, Jay Sherman talks with Patty and Selma while Homer watches.Patty: Okay, Sherman, you're a movie expert.
Selma: So tell us. Who's gay?
Jay: Oh, I don't know ... (mumbling) Harvey Fierstein.
Patty: Who else?
(Homer whispers into Jay's ear)
Jay: Oh. MacGyver's gay. (Patty and Selma growl and advance on Jay, who cowers from them; Homer giggles)
(the scene shifts to outside; Jay has been stripped to his underwear and is dangling from the rain gutter by the waistband of his shorts)
Bart: (sees Jay and laughs) You badmouthed MacGyver, didn't you?
- When Mr. Burns is attempting to pick who gets to play him in a biopic, there's a sequence where several people including William Shatner and Hannibal Lecter give their try with Burns's "Excellent" Catch Phrase. Then it's Homer's turn.Homer: Exactly.....heheheh.....D'OH!
- At the film festival, Hans Moleman's film "Man Getting Hit by Football" involves him getting hit with a football thrown at his groin. Homer is the only one laughing.Homer: (laughs hysterically) This contest is over! Give that man the $10,000!
Jay: (disapprovingly) This isn't America's Funniest Home Videos.
Homer: But ... the ball! His groin! It works on so many levels! (still laughing) Roll it again!
- As Barney Gumble's film entry "Pukahontas" is playing, a woman in the crowd talks about how touching the sad biopic is.Woman: (softly) It's brilliant. Savagely honest, heart-breaking. He has the soul of a poet.
Barney: You're very kind.
Woman: (rudely) Excuse me, did something crawl down your throat and die?
Barney: It didn't die.
(cut back to the film)
Barney: My name is Barney, and I'm an alcoholic.
Lisa: Mr. Gumble, this is a Girl Scouts' meeting.
Barney: Is it, or is it that you girls can't admit you have a problem?
- One scene in Mr. Burns' film has his character, a cowboy, promising to help a village of poor Mexicans (Led by Bumblebee Guy), falling off of his horse, and getting dragged around because his foot is caught in the saddle's stirrup.Mr. Burns: We did twenty takes, and that was the best one.
- Mr. Burns' film entry "A Burns for All Seasons" draws a strong negative reaction from the audience.Mr. Burns: (shocked) Smithers, are they booing me?
Smithers: Oh, no, sir. They're saying "Boo-urns, Boo-urns".
Mr. Burns: (to crowd) Are you saying "boo" or "Boo-urns"?
Crowd: Boooooooooooo! (they throw random objects at Mr. Burns)
Hans Moleman: (to himself) I was saying "Boo-urns".
- The film festival judges meet after all the films were presented. Jay Sherman is appalled about Krusty giving his vote to Mr. Burns' film.Jay: How can you vote for Burns' movie?
Krusty: Let's just say it moved me...to a bigger house! Oops, I said the quiet part loud and the loud part quiet.
- Jay Sherman mentions to Homer that there are better things in life that watching a man getting hit in the groin with a football. Out of nowhere, a football hits Jay in his groin and Nelson Muntz (off-screen) does his signature "Ha-ha!" laugh.
- Mr. Burns bribes all of Hollywood into voting for his film, and it still ends up losing, this time to a remake of "Man Getting Hit by Football" which stars George C. Scott.
122. - Lisa's Wedding
- A blink-and-you'll-miss-it moment, but there's a shot as Lisa and Hugh arrive in England via a Wright Brothers-style plane, where Big Ben has been converted into a digital clock- and the clock has completely stopped, repeatedly flashing at 12:00.
- Ned Flanders beats Waylon Smithers during the knight exhibition.
- Chief Wiggum features an animal at the Renaissance Fair.Chief Wiggum: Behold the mighty esquilax, a horse with the head of a rabbit...and the body...of a rabbit!
(the bunny jumps out of its pen and starts to hop away; Lisa chases it)
Lisa: Here, bunny bunny. Here, bunny.
Chief Wiggum: (corrects her) Here, esquilax.
- Future Quimby is now driving a cab, under the name Mohammed Jafar. And Future Otto owns the cab company.Future Otto: (on videophone) Hey, Quimby, when you're done on this fare, haul your indicted ass out to the convention center!
Future Quimby: (under his breath) I cut the ribbon at that convention center!
- Future Homer is insistent that Hugh pull his (Homer's) index finger.Future Homer: So, Hugh, have you heard all the latest American jokes? Uh...here's a good one: pull my finger!
Hugh: (chuckles) Yes, we have that one in England, too, Mr. Simpson.
Future Homer: (in a threatening tone) I said pull my finger.
- Milhouse learning of Lisa's engagement:Milhouse: Hey, hey, there with a personal call, Simpson!
Homer: But Mr. Milhouse, my little girl's getting married!
Milhouse: Lisa?! (sadly) My one true love...
(Dissolve to a flashback. Lisa and Milhouse are sitting in a beaten-up car, Milhouse is looking slightly slovenly. Lisa is looking awkward)
Lisa: It's not you, Milhouse. I just don't think I ever plan on getting married.
(Milhouse breaks down crying. Dissolve back to the present day, Milhouse snaps out of his memory and glowers at Homer.)
Milhouse: I think I'll write your performance evaluation now, Simpson.
(He storms off. Homer, completely missing the point, smiles in anticipation)
- At Future Moe's, the Virtual Reality bar games scene. Future Bart was playing some VR pool, until another guy hits him with a virtual dart while playing a game of VR darts. Soon, Bart and the other guy engage in a VR Bar Brawl, until Future Moe breaks it up by playing an ear piercing tone through their VR headsets that makes them collapse to the floor and writhe and scream in agony.
- Future Smithers receives an invitation to Lisa's wedding.Future Smithers: "Mr. Smithers plus guest"...huh. There's only one person I would want to bring. (pulls a frozen Mr. Burns from a slot in the wall) Oh, Mr. Burns, we'll thaw you out the second they discover the cure for 17 stab wounds in the back. How're we doing, boys?
Future Professor Frink: Well, we're up to 15!
- Future Lisa tries to tell Future Marge that she doesn't want to wear white at the wedding because she had sex with Milhouse before getting married (and, as popular wedding traditions go, only women who stay virgins until their wedding day are allowed to wear virginal white). Future Marge's response: "Oh, Milhouse doesn't count."
- The Fortune Teller informs Lisa of the grim ending to her vision about Lisa's future.Fortune Teller: (to Lisa) The next day, Hugh goes back to England, and you never see him again.
Lisa: Wow. Now that I know all this, isn't there any way to change the future?
Fortune Teller: No...but try to look surprised.
Lisa: I thought you said you'd tell me about my true love.
Fortune Teller: Oh, you'll have a true love, but I specialize in foretelling the relationships where you get jerked around.
- Following this, the fortune teller tries to disappear by smoke bomb, only for it not work. After a moment of awkward silence, Lisa backs out of there.
- Homer tells Lisa what he was doing as Lisa was getting her future told by the fortune teller.Homer: Lisa, Lisa! Where were you? You missed the most incredible thing.
Lisa: Hi, Dad! (hugs him)
Homer: I ate 7 pounds of fudge!
Homer: The man at the stand said it was a record.
Lisa: Wow! What else did you do, Dad?
Homer: I rode the teacups, then I got a little sick and I had to sit down. But then, I rode them again!
123. - Two Dozen and One Greyhounds
- While on his restless streak, Santa's Little Helper digs up the cable TV cable, and then drags it along the entire street.(The Wiggums are watching TV in bed when the signal cuts out)
Announcer: Your cable TV is experiencing technical difficulties. Resist the temptation to read or talked to loved ones. Do not attempt sexual relations, as years of TV radiation have left your genitals withered and useless.
(Chief Wiggum lifts up his bedsheets and looks down)
Chief Wiggum: Well, I'll be darned.
- Santa's Little Helper squeezes out of the window of the car and starts running away.Homer: Don't worry. We'll catch him or run him over trying.
- At the dog racetrack, Bart sees Santa's Little Helper do something unusual to the greyhound dog called She's the Fastest.Bart: What's Santa's Little Helper doing to that dog? Looks like he's trying to jump over, but he can't quite make it. Come on, boy! You can do it! (Marge covers his eyes)
Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, this is the end. This is the end of dog racing.
Marge: I think they're in love!
Others in the Audience: Awwwwww!
Homer: So that's what's wrong with the poor fella. He misses casual sex.
- As Homer is sitting on the couch eating potato chips, some of the young greyhound dogs jump up and steal each one.
- Mr. Burns' has a rousing cover of "Be Our Guest" called "See My Vest", wherein he describes the various animals he killed for his wardrobe.
- After the song is finished, Lisa is stunned in horror, only to notice that Bart is humming the song.Lisa: Bart!Bart: Sorry. (shrugs) You gotta admit, it's catchy.
- After the song is finished, Lisa is stunned in horror, only to notice that Bart is humming the song.
- When Lisa yells at Mr. Burns that he stole the puppies, he gives her a cell phone, telling her to "call someone who cares." She dials 911 before Burns snatches the phone back.
- Homer appears to have hung in the basement, but is actually grabbing onto a rafter and batting a lightbulb as a means to cope with the loss of the million-dollar-winning greyhounds he let Mr. Burns adopt for free.
124. - The PTA Disbands
- The historical recreation showing Springfield's mix of casual violence and stupidity goes back a long way:Tour guide: The 19th Bearded Infantry were fluffing and tanning their beards in the sun, when suddenly enemy troops crested that hill over there,
(A group of sickly and wounded soldiers in Confederate uniforms limp down the hill, their leader carrying a white flag)
Confederate leader: Fort Springfield, we surrender unconditionally!
Confederate soldier: We're sick! We need leeches, and hacksaws to cut off our gangrenous limbs!
Springfrield soldier: C'mon, boys! Those white flags are no match for our muskets!
(The Springfield troops charge the soldiers, opening fire or stabbing them. One soldier tries desperately waving a flag, and gets stabbed.)
Tour Guide: But the Springfieldians were too brave to accept their enemies' surrender, and slaughtered them as they prayed for mercy!
Actor: Hey! They're trying to learn for free!
- Then it pans back to see the Springfield Elementary kids trying to watch this from outside the park... and Bart's having to stand on a student's head.Bart: It's hard to tell what's going on. I can only make out the fat soldiers.
- And then one of the actors notices them...
Tour Guide: GET 'EM!
Actor 2: USE YOUR PHONY GUNS AS CLUBS!
- Then it pans back to see the Springfield Elementary kids trying to watch this from outside the park... and Bart's having to stand on a student's head.
- Edna and Skinner's argument over funding.Edna: Our demands are very reasonable! By ignoring them, you're selling out these children's futures!
Skinner: Oh, come on, Edna! We both know these children have no future!
(The entire cafeteria falls silent as the children look at Skinner in shock)
Skinner: Prove me wrong, kids! Prove me wrong!
- Bart is at a construction site and causes havoc with a megaphone. The foreman eventually shows up to stop him, and he just happens to sound like Bart.Foreman: (speaking in a voice that sounds like Bart's) Hey! Can't you tell my voice from a 10-year old kid's? Ay carumba!
- After the teachers' strike is announced, there's a Jump Cut to a little girl in the empty gym hanging from the rings on the roof.Girl: Hellooooo? Mrs Pommelhorse? I'd like to get down now!
- Bart visits the bank and pulls a prank on the people waiting in line.Bart: (in Voice #1) What do you mean the bank is out of money!?
Bart: (in Voice #2) Insolvent?!
Bart: (in Voice #3) You only have enough cash for the next 3 customers!?
(crowd starts going crazy)
Bank Guy: No, no, no, no, no! I don't have your money here! It's in....Bill's house...And...Fred's house!
Moe: (turns to guy next to him) Hey, what the hell are you doing with my money in your house, Fred? (punches Fred, setting off a huge fight)
- Bart watches the teacher's strike going on and tricks them with a lie.Bart: Now for Operation Make-Strike-Go-Longer. (to teacher) You know, I heard Skinner say the teachers will crack any minute.
(the teachers whisper it through the line)
Teacher: (to Edna) Skinner said the teachers will crack any minute purple monkey dishwasher.
Edna: Well! We'll show him, especially for that "purple monkey dishwasher" remark.
- Due to not being in school, Lisa develops a need for being graded. Then Homer and Marge talk about the kids in bed.Lisa: Grade me! Look at me. Evaluate and rank me! I'm good, good, good, and oh so smart. Grade me!
(Marge scribbles "A+" on a blank piece of paper; Lisa sighs with relief; the scene cuts to Homer and Marge's bedroom)
Marge: I'm worried about the kids, Homey. Lisa's becoming very obsessive. This morning, I caught her trying to dissect her own raincoat.
Homer: (scoffs) Pbbbt, I know. And this perpetual-motion machine she made today is a joke. (eyes the machine) It just keeps going faster and faster!
Marge: (gets out of bed and looks out the window) And Bart isn't doing very well either. He needs boundaries and structure. There's something about flying a kite at night that's so unwholesome.
Bart: (looks at Marge from outside) Hello, Mother dear.
Marge: (groans as she shuts the blinds) That's it! We have to get them back to school.
Homer: I'm with you, Marge. (calls out) Lisa, get in here.
Lisa: (opens the bedroom door) Uh...
Homer: (angrily) In this house, we obey the laws of thermodynamics! (points to the machine)
- During the PTA Conference led by Ned Flanders, a man freaks out.Man: The PTA has disbanded! Huh! HUH! AARGH! (jumps out window)
Ned: No, the PTA has not disbanded. (same man jumps back in and sits down)
Ned: I guess we'll just have to... agree to disagree!
- "Oh yeah, the taxes! The finger thing means the taxes!"
- Just before the freak out:
Skinner: I don't agree to that.
Edna: Neither do I!
- Jasper Beardly is a temporary volunteer substitute teacher for Lisa's class.Jasper: Talking outta turn... That's a paddlin'. Lookin' out the window... That's a paddlin'. Staring at my sandals... That's a paddlin'. Paddlin' the school canoe... (narrows his eyes) Oooh, you better believe that's a paddlin'.
- Lisa later grumbles that Jasper sent them home early because he got his beard caught in the pencil sharpener.
- Meanwhile, the kindergarten kids get Professor Frink. Using a corn-popper to demonstrate physics.Professor Frink: ... and this causes the rapid oscillation, you can see it there, of the neighbouring particles. (he starts rolling the popper back and forth, until a kid holds up a hand) Yes, what, what is it?!
Kid: Can I play with it?
Frink: No, you can't play with it. You won't enjoy it on as many levels as I do! (starts playing with the popper again) Whoa-hoah, wah-hey, the colors, children!
- Bart: (talking to Principal Skinner) She said you'd fold faster then Superman on laundry day.
- Bart degrades fast during the school strike:Bart: Hey, Milhouse, I found a swarm of bees, wanna go throw rocks at it?
Milhouse: Sorry, Bart, I'm deeply immersed in the Teapot Dome Scandal.
Milhouse: However, it might be feasible in a fortnight.
Milhouse: I can play in two weeks.
- And later:Milhouse: But Bart, you'll never get Principle Skinner and Mrs. Krabbapel together. They're like two positively charged ions.
- And later:
- When Marge becomes the substitute teacher, Bart hurriedly tries to get rid of all the booby traps. The first is the relatively tame thumbtack on the teacher's chair. The second is a battering ram swinging down from the ceiling - that Marge has a complete non-reaction to."Kids have been doing that one since my day."
125. - 'Round Springfield
- The introduction to the Krusty the Clown Show, where Krusty keeps Digging Himself Deeper:Krusty: Hey, kids, it's story time! I'm gonna tell you the story of Krusty's expensive new suit: his sexual harassment suit! (laughs unconvincingly) Oh, boy. Anyway, as part of Krusty's plea bargain, he has a new court-ordered sidekick, Ms. No-Means-No. (looks at her) Wow, you're hot. Let's get some dinner after the show. (she blows a whistle and holds up a NO sign) I have dinner with all my employees. Right, Sideshow Mel?Sideshow Mel: (indignantly) We've never spoken outside of work.Bart: I'm surprised he didn't blame his problems on his Percodan addiction.Krusty: Wasn't my fault. It was the Percodan. If you ask me, that stuff rots your brain. And now a word from our new sponsor: PERCODAN?! Aw, crap!
- Krusty tries to defend himself on TV.Kent Brockman: This just in: Krusty the Clown staged a press conference today to defend himself against charges that his products are unsafe, his theme park is a death trap, and that he's marketing videos of Tonya Harding's wedding night.
Krusty: And I contend that those tourists were decapitated before they entered the Krustyland House of Knives. Next question?
Woman: What about that little boy who got appendicitis from eating your cereal?
Krusty: To prove that this metal O is harmless, I will personally eat one. (eats it) See? There's nothing (starts screaming and writhing) Oh, boy! This thing is shredding my insides!
Sideshow Mel: Er, Krusty, that wasn't the metal one, that was a regular Krusty-O.
Krusty: It's poison!
- After an earlier appearance, the Hot Dog Vendor appears at the cemetery.Marge: What do you do, follow my husband around?
Vendor: Lady, he's putting my kids through college.
- Lisa has a dream where she speaks with "Bleeding Gums" Murphy one last time. Some other beings also show up.
- The crummy jazz station Lisa finds:DJ: (on Bleeding Gums's record) I'll spin it for you, but ain't no-one gonna hear it. Our broadcasting station only has a range of twenty-five feet, which makes it the most powerful jazz station in the entire US of A.
Lisa: Jeez, your station has problems.
DJ: Tell me about it. Just look at our morning guy.
(pan to the recording booth, where Hans Moleman is talking into the mic)
Moleman: Hello, and welcome to Moleman in the Morning. Good moleman to you. Coming up, part six on the series of the agonizing pain I live in every daaaaaaaay.
- Bart's Imagine Spot of coming back as a butterfly and framing Principal Skinner for burning down the school.Skinner: I didn't burn down the school. It was the butterfly, I tell you! The butterfly!
Chief Wiggum: He's crazy, boys. Get the taser. (scene pans up to show Butterfly Bart doing an Evil Laugh while holding a gas can)
- The scene with Bleeding Gums Murphy's musical mentor Blind Willie Witherspoon.Blind Willie Witherspoon: I've been playing jazz for 30 years and I just can't make a go at it. I want you to have my saxophone.
Bleeding Gums Murphy: This isn't a saxophone, it's an umbrella!
Blind Willie Witherspoon: So I've been playing an umbrella for 30 years? Why didn't anybody tell me?
Bleeding Gums Murphy: Hey, we all thought it was funny! (laughs)
Blind Willie Witherspoon: That's not funny.
126. - The Springfield Connection
- As Marge chases after Snake, Homer chases her and becomes extremely exhausted after running for a short distance.
- Marge ends up smacking Snake in his head with a garbage can lid. Then Snake is arrested by the police.Chief Wiggum: Cuff 'im, boys. We're puttin' this dirtbag away.
Snake: Ha! I'll be back on the street in 24 hours.
Chief Wiggum: We'll try to make it 12.
- Another police car pulls up. Homer gets out and is still gasping for breath from running.
- Marge watches 3 police cars arrive back at the police station. The officers bring something inside.Chief Wiggum: All right, get in there.
Lou: You're goin' down.
Eddie: I wanna piece of him.
Chief Wiggum: You think you're pretty hot, huh? Well, we got everything we need on you.
(the camera pans down to show a pizza with toppings; Marge enters the front door knocking)
Marge: Excuse me?
Chief Wiggum: (quickly) What, what, what, what, what-what-what? This better be about pizza.
Marge: Uh, actually, I'm interested in becoming a police officer.
(the officers laugh for 15 seconds, then stop)
Chief Wiggum: Welcome aboard.
- Chief Wiggum addresses Marge and 4 other people being recruited.Chief Wiggum: All right, ya scrawny beanpoles, becoming a cop is not something that happens overnight — it takes 1 solid weekend of training to get that badge.
Gun-Obsessed Recruit: (angrily) FORGET ABOUT THE BADGE! WHEN DO WE GET THE FREAKING GUNS?!
Chief Wiggum: (sternly) Hey, I told you. You don't get your gun until you tell me your name.
Gun-Obsessed Recruit: (angrily) I'VE HAD IT UP TO HERE WITH YOUR "RULES"! (he walks away)
- Marge attempts to climb over the brick wall on the obstacle course.Chief Wiggum: Heh. Women always have trouble with the wall. (other recruits are seen walking through a door) Can't ever seem to find the door.
- Marge sees Lionel Hutz rummaging through a dumpster outside of the Junkytown Legal Clinic.Marge: Hello, Mr. Hutz.
Lionel: I'll have you know the contents of that dumpster are private. You stick your nose in, you'll be violating attorney-dumpster confidentiality.
Marge: I just wanted to say "hello".
Lionel: Oh... Hello. (laughs nervously)
- As Marge walks away, he lights up a butane cigarette lighter and tosses it in the dumpster, setting it on fire.
- At the Kwik-E-Mart, Apu tries to bribe Marge with some money. After Marge refuses, he sets it on the counter and turns his back; Marge does the same thing. Then Mr. Burns walks by and snatches the money while drinking from a carton of milk he didn't pay for (not even with the money he took).
- Homer is whistling as he takes some of Marge's yellow tape that reads "POLICE LINE DO NOT CROSS" and puts it across the front of the Flanders' house.Lisa: Mom's police tape isn't a toy, dad.
Homer: S-shush, dear. You'll ruin daddy's fun.
- They hide behind the hedges. Homer is grinning as Lisa is frowning with her arms crossed. Ned arrives home.Ned: ♪Bringing in the sheaves, bringing in the...♪ (gasps; drops bag) Oh my Lord. Something horrible has happened! (Homer comes out of hiding)
Homer: (laughs) Fooled ya, Flanders. Made you think your family was dead. (continues laughing) Did ya get it? (laughs some more; Ned chuckles) They're not, though.
Homer: (laughs) But you thought they were.
Homer: (laughing) That's why it was so funny.
Homer: (laughs) But they're not.
Ned: (chuckles) That's a good one.
- They hide behind the hedges. Homer is grinning as Lisa is frowning with her arms crossed. Ned arrives home.
- Inside the kitchen at the Simpson house, Lenny is shuffling cards for a game. Homer uses a handheld radar speed gun on him.Homer: Hey, hurry up with the cards, Lenny. I've got you clocked at 2 miles per hour.
Lenny: Come on, put that away. Those radar guns give you cancer.
Homer: (still using the radar gun) All the more reason to hurry up. Hey, what could be going a hundred miles per— (Lenny punches him) OW!
- Marge arrests Homer for taking her police officer hat.Homer: (impersonates Marge) Ooh, I'm Officer Marge. I'm here to arrest you. (Marge slaps the cuffs on Homer; he drops the voice) Oh, Marge, not here. (realizes she's serious) Hey, you're not really arresting me, are you?
Marge: You have the right to remain silent.
Homer: I choose to waive that right. (wails maniacally)
- Homer eats Hans Moleman's last meal right before he (Hans) is about to receive capital punishment.Rev. Lovejoy: All right, Hans. Time to go.
Hans: But he ate my last meal.
Rev. Lovejoy: Well, if that's the worst thing that happens to you today, consider yourself lucky.
Hans: Are you really allowed to execute people at a local jail?
Rev. Lovejoy: From this point on, no talking. (Hans is sent away by two officers)
- After Homer is released from jail, he decides to draw a line across the bedroom.Homer: I'm drawing a line down the center of the house à la I Love Lucy. You stay on your side and I'll stay on my side. (he doesn't pay attention to where he is and traps himself in a small corner) D'oh!
- This line from Homer:"You know, when Marge joined the police academy, I thought it'd be fun and exciting. You know, like that movie: Spaceballs. But, instead, it's painful and disturbing, like that movie, Police Academy.
- Moe rags on Homer for saying "garage" when he really means "car hole."
- The Springfield Police laugh at Marge again when she tells them she quits.
- Due to not knowing what happened out in the garage, Barney, Carl, Moe, and Lenny are waiting for Homer to show back up for Poker.Lenny: I don't think they're comin' back.
Moe: Well, that does it. That does it. I'm looking at his cards. (looks at Homer's cards) Aw, crap. I fold.
127. - Lemon of Troy
- The history of the feud between Springfield and Shelbyville. The 2 founders differed on a key issue: whether people could marry their attractive cousins.
- The end of the lemon tree story.Abe: The people of Springfield believed they had founded a sweet new town. And so, to commemorate this, they planted this lemon tree, lemons being the sweetest fruit available at the time.
- Marge and Homer react differently to Bart's plan on raiding Shelbyville.Bart: I've got to teach some kids a lesson.
Marge: I choose to take that literally.
Bart: Death to Shelbyville!
Homer: Yes. Our son is a tutor now.
- Given a great Call-Back later in the episode when the truth is revealed.Marge: Homer, come quick! Bart's quit his tutoring job and joined a violence gang!
- Given a great Call-Back later in the episode when the truth is revealed.
- Homer's Shelbyville counterpart gloats about having taken the lemon tree by taking a bite out of a lemon. His face puckers up.
- The lemon tree hits the "Welcome to Springfield" sign after the rescue operation.
128. - Who Shot Mr. Burns? Part 1
- Homer finding out that Mr. Burns didn't add his name to the thank you note, you actually see his pupils get smaller as he goes into Tranquil Fury mode and asks Bart and Lisa to step outside (Which they do as fast as they can since they're scared of his reaction) and he takes a deep breath as he lets out an F bomb that's covered by a church organ as everyone on the street stares at the Simpsons house in shock. The note the organ players? *F* major, of course.
- Mr. Burns walks into his office and turns on the light. Homer is holding a can of spray paint, with MY NAME IS HOMER SIMPSON painted on the wall.Mr. Burns: Who the devil are you?
- In response to the above, Homer understandably goes absolutely bonkers, attacking Mr. Burns while shouting "MY-NAME-IS-HOMER-SIMPSON!" at him. And Mr. Burns still doesn't understand what this long-term employee's name is.
- Then later:Mr. Burns: (reveals a holstered gun) I've decided to protect myself, after I was attacked in my office by an unidentified assailant.
Homer: (offscreen) D'oh!
- A line only Burns could say: "Since the beginning of time, man has yearned to destroy the sun!"
- Lunch Lady Doris lines up for the school's equipment request:Doris: The cafeteria staff is complaining about the mice in the kitchen.(beat)Doris: I want to hire a new staff.
Season 7: Part 1
129. - Who Shot Mr. Burns? Part 2
- Tito Puente composes a slanderous mambo for revenge on Mr. Burns. Its called "Señor Burns".Wounds won't last long, but an insulting song, Burns will always carry with him.
So I'll settle my score, on the salsa floor, with this vengeful Latin rhythm.
Con un corazon de perro
El diablo con dinero
It may not surprise you, but all of us despise you.
Please die, and fry
Rich old wretch!
- Smithers has a dream that Mr. Burns is alive, in his shower, and part of a campy 1960s crime show called Speedway Squad: In Color!
- Seymour Skinner tells the police his alibi for not shooting Mr. Burns. While he was planning to attack Mr. Burns himself after the meeting, he was in the men's room putting on camouflage make-up at the time of the shooting. In the flashback, we see that Seymour has mixed up his camouflage make-up with his mother's make-up, noticing too little too late. Then Superintendent Chalmers walks in...Flashback Chalmers: Oh, excuse me, ma'am—
Flashback Seymour: Superintendent Chalmers!
Flashback Chalmers: (realizes it's Seymour) ...Oh my God... [BANG!]
Chief Wiggum: So, Chalmers can vouch for your whereabouts?
Seymour: Oh, yes. But anything else he says is a filthy lie.
- Moe Szyslak takes a lie detector test.Eddie: Did you hold a grudge against Montgomery Burns?
Moe: No! [buzz] All right, maybe I did. But I didn't shoot him. [ding]
Eddie: Checks out. OK, sir, you're free to go.
Moe: Good, 'cause I got a hot date tonight. [buzz] A date. [buzz] Dinner with friends. [buzz] Dinner alone. [buzz] Watching TV alone. [buzz] All right! I'm going to sit at home and ogle the ladies in the Victoria's Secret catalog. [buzz] ...Sears catalog. [ding] Now would you unhook this already, please?! I don't deserve this kind of shabby treatment! [buzz]
- Mr. Burns demands that Springfield Police arrest Maggie for being the true culprit behind his shooting:Chief Wiggum: Heh! Yeah, right, pops. No jury in the world's gonna convict a baby! Hmmm... Maybe Texas.
130. - Radioactive Man
- When the director is flipping through the magazine, we see all these full page ads for Film Utah, Film New York, etc and then they suddenly stop at the ad that says "Flim Springfield" "This place must be hot! They don't need a big ad or even correct spelling!"
- The running gag with people's hats flying off in moments of surprise - thanks to malfunctioning air conditioners.
- Principal Skinner makes an announcement about the Radioactive Man movie to the children.Seymour: (over the PA system) Students, I have an announcement. One of your favorite comic book heroes, Radio Man—
Nelson: That's Radioactive Man, stupid!
Seymour: ...Strange, I shouldn't have been able to hear that.
- The entirety of the campy 1970s Radioactive Man show (which the director does not want the movie to be like).
- The best part has to be the bit where everyone, including the villains and some girls in midriff tops, miniskirts and go-go boots (including one who looks like a bald Amy from Futurama), start dancing.
- "I keep telling you! He's seventy-three years old, and he's dead!"
- Moe's recalling the time when he was a member of The Little Rascals, in particular the moment his career ended when he beat the crap out of Alfalfa after he stole his bit of looking into an exhaust pipe and getting a face full of soot.Stage Hand: CUT! Oh my god, he's killed the original Alfalfa!
Moe: (back in the present) Yeah. Luckily, Alfalfa was an orphan owned by the studio.
- "Now that's real acid, so I want to see goggles people!" "... real acid?"
- After Rainer is then swept up into said real acid (with only his goggles for protective equipment) as it flows off, he makes this sadistically humorously, immortal statement:Rainier: My eyes! The goggles do nothing!
- After Milhouse goes missing, the film's editor says they can use existing footage to finish the film without him. The results speak for themselves.(Radioactive Man is facing a bunch of muscular guys alone)
Radioactive Man: (forcefully to a corner of the screen) Looks like we're in trouble, Fallout Boy.
(cut to Radioactive Man and Fallout Boy on a sunny field)
Fallout Boy: Jiminy-jillikers, Radioactive Man!
Radioactive Man: (back in the cave) We'll have to fight our way out. Are you ready?
Fallout Boy: (sitting in a living room) Yes.
(cut to Radioactive Man and Fallout Boy fighting aliens on the moon)
Editor: Seamless, huh?
Producer: (beat) You're fired.
Editor: (still smiling) And with good cause!
- Milhouse being fed up with the repetitiveness of filmmaking.Director: We've got to do the "jiminy-jillikers" scene again, Milhouse!
Milhouse: (seething with anger) But we already did it! It took seven hours, but we did it! It's done!
Director: Yes, but we've got to do it from different angles! Again and again! And again and again and again!
(Milhouse is forcefully dragged out)
- While searching for Milhouse in his usual haunts, Bart checks in on a graphic artist scribbling away on a spirograph in a dark warehouse:Bart: Hey, Dr S, you seen Milhouse?
Dr. S: No.
Bart: Okay. (he turns to leave)
Dr. S: Wait a minute! (Bart stops) Did you know there's a direct correlation between the decline in spirographs and the rise in gang activity? Think about it!
Bart: Will do.
Dr. S: (darkly) No, ya won't... (he returns to his spirograph)
- Homer's laze-off with the teamsters.
- An incredible piece of Insane Troll Logic from the special effects crew of the film:(A bunch of men are on the film's set painting horses black and white, as Martin and Ralph look on)
Martin: Why don't you use real cows?
Man: Cows don't look like cows on film. Gotta use horses.
Ralph: What do you do if you want something to look like a horse?
Man: Eh. Usually we just tape a bunch'a cats together.
131. - Home Sweet Homediddly-Dum-Doodily
- Lisa reacts to bullies hanging her shoes over a phone wire: "HEY! Those are prescription shoes! I need them!".
- The Child Welfare officers end up running over a tricycle after hearing that the Simpson kids may be living in squalid conditions.
- Rod and Todd become traumatized from watching the Itchy and Scratchy episode called "Foster Pussycat! Kill! Kill!".
- In the class for becoming improved parents, Cletus Spuckler tells Homer about cutting himself on the screen door. Then Homer shouts "Why you COTTON PICKIN'!" and strangles him.
- Afterwards, Homer and Cletus make up as part of the test.Homer: (realizing the entire class is staring at him) No... gotta ride this one out for my kids. (to Cletus) Son, let's stop all the fussin' and a'feudin'.
Cletus: I love you, Pa!
Homer: I love you, Cletus!
- Afterwards, Homer and Cletus make up as part of the test.
- Ned's panicked phone call to Reverend Lovejoy after he finds out that the Simpsons kids were not baptized:Ned: Reverend! Emergency! I- you see- the Simpson kids - idily - baptisim - odily - th - Doodly-diddly!
Lovejoy: Ned, have you thought about one of the other major religions? They're all pretty much the same.
- Homer and Marge are trying to find Ned, who's about to baptize their kids.Marge: Where are we going? Where are we going?
Homer: OK, OK, don't panic. To find Flanders, I just have to think like Flanders! (thinking) I'm a big four-eyed lame-o, and I wear the same stupid sweater every day and — (aloud) The Springfield River!note
- Homer has a momentary lapse into spiritual peace after saving his son from a lake baptismal, only to bark, "I SAID, 'SHUT YOUR UGLY FACE, FLANDERS!'" when Flanders asks him what he just said.
- Likewise, his absurdly melodramatic reaction to taking the baptismal, acting as though he'd been doused in acid.
- The message Marge gets when she tries to call the kids at Flanders':Message: "The number you have dialed can no longer be reached from this phone, you negligent monster."
132. - Bart Sells His Soul
- As the church service begins, Bart tricks everyone into singing "In The Garden of Eden" by I. Ron Butterfly. During the song, Reverend Lovejoy finds out it is rock music, and a beach ball bounces on his head. The scene ends with Mrs. Feesh (the church organist) collapsing (after playing the entire song -- which is 17 minutes long).Rev. Lovejoy: Wait a minute, this sounds like rock and/or roll!
(a beach ball bounces off Rev. Lovejoy's head)
- Homer reminds Marge of the times when they used to make out to the "hymn". Marge sniggers and then shushes him.
- Milhouse tells Reverend Lovejoy it was Bart that changed the hymn. Then they both are punished by having to clean the churchs organ.Bart: You shank! How could you squeal on me?!
Milhouse: Sorry Bart, but I don't want hungry birds pecking at my soul forever.
Bart: "Soul?" Come on Milhouse, there's no such thing as a soul. It's just something made up to scare kids, like the boogeyman or Michael Jackson!
Milhouse: But every religion says there's a soul, Bart. Why would they lie? What would they have to gain?
(cut to Rev. Lovejoy putting the money from the collection plate into a coin counter)
- Also, after Reverend Lovejoy scares Milhouse into squealing on Bart with threats of hell and punishment, he first drags Bart out for the above punishment, but then reappears and pulls Milhouse out too, declaring "You too, snitchy!".
- When Moe tells the bar regulars his intentions to turn the Tavern into a family restaurant, or in his words, "Someplace where you wouldn't be embarrassed to bring your families!"Homer: I'm not embarrassed. (Put Maggie on the counter)
- Moe gets a deep fryer for his new family restaurant.Moe: Heh Heh. I got it used from the Navy. You could flash-fry a buffalo in 40 seconds.
Homer: 40 seconds? But I want it now.
- Let's go over this series of events: Bart's bike gets sucked up by a street sweeper, seemingly destroyed before his eyes... only to be spat out shiny and polished like new! ... Except it all falls apart the moment he sits on it. Then the driver of the street sweeper laughs wickedly at Bart's misfortune, showing that he did indeed do it on purpose. Then, because he's too busy laughing at Bart to watch the road, he plummets into the subway station, his laugh echoing as the vehicle explodes below, leaving Bart with a bewildered expression.
- Moe is seen twitching his face in front of the camera at the end of the commercial for his restaurant.
- Moe ends up suffering a breakdown while running "Uncle Moe's Family Feedbag." His behavior causes all the diners to leave.
- After Bart is unable to form condensation on the freezer window:Jimbo: Way to breathe, no-breath!
133. - Lisa the Vegetarian
- Bart taking off in the todderville trolley train. The train then goes though a tunnel he's too big to get though, and it ends up being dragged along with him though the tracks before crashing into a woodsman statue. The statue then falls over, decapitating the mother goose statue, which causes the todder riders to happily cheer.Bart: So long, suckers! (promptly gets caught in the tunnel)
- At the Storytown Village petting zoo, the Simpson family sees three lambs. The first one is slightly less adorable than the two that follow it, and it steps in front of the third one.Homer: (shoves the first lamb away) Outta the way, ewe!
- Homer spots Ned Flanders having a family reunion.Homer: Hey Flanders!
Entire Flanders Clan: Hi-diddly-ho, neighborino!
Homer: Shut up!
Entire Flanders Clan: Okily-dokily!
- Also, Lord Thistlewick Flanders, who seems to be the only dignified member of the family."Charmed. (Ned nudges him; he rolls his eyes exasperatedly) Uh, a googely... doogely."
- Also, Lord Thistlewick Flanders, who seems to be the only dignified member of the family.
- Homer tells Ned he will have his own barbecue party, and then accidently invites him.
- At the dinner table, Lisa has decided to stop eating meat.Homer: So, you're never going to eat any animal again? What about bacon?
Homer: Pork chops?
Lisa: Dad, those all come from the same animal!
Homer: (sarcastically) Yeah right, Lisa, a wonderful, magical animal!
- Bart and Homer form a "You Don't Win Friends with Salad" conga. Marge also joins in — not to take sides, but because it was catchy.
- Lisa attempts to get lunch at school after becoming a vegetarian.Lisa: Uh, excuse me? Isn't there anything here that doesn't have meat in it?
Lunchlandy Doris: Possibly the meatloaf.
Lisa: Well, I believe you're required to to provide a vegetarian alternative.
Lunchlady Doris: (puts an empty hotdog bun on Lisa's tray, deadpan) Yum. It's rich in bunly goodness.
Lisa: Do you remember when you lost your passion for this work?
(Lunchlady Doris looks shocked and presses the independent thought alarm)
- Skinner's reaction to the Independent Thought Alarms:Skinner: Hmm, two independent thought alarms in one day. The children are becoming over-stimulated. Willy, remove all the coloured chalk from the classrooms.
Wille: I WARNED YAH! DIDN'T I WARN YA?! That chalk was forged by Lucifer 'imself!
- Principal Skinner introduces the pro-meat film.Seymour: Good morning class. A certain... agitator... for privacy's sake let's call her...Lisa S. No, that's too obvious... let's say L. Simpson... (Lisa slaps her forehead) has raised questions about certain school policies. So, in the interest in creating an open dialogue, sit silently and watch this film.
- The entirety of the pro-meat propaganda filmstrip. Right from the start with "Hi, I'm Troy McClure. You may remember me from such educational films as "Two Minus Three Equals Negative Fun" and "Firecrackers: The Silent Killer"Troy McClure: Just ask this scientician. (scene cuts to a scientist in a lab)
Scientist: Uhh... (scene cuts away)
Troy McClure: He'll tell you that, in nature, one creature invariably eats another creature to survive. (images of various animals attacking and eating others appear) Don't kid yourself Jimmy. If a cow ever got the chance he'd eat you and everyone you care about.
- The film contains images of a shark leaping out of the water to attack a gorilla, an eagle swooping down and carrying away a fully-grown sheep, and a dog catching a Frisbee.
- After watching the film, Lisa complains.Lisa: They can't seriously expect us to swallow that tripe.
Seymour: Now as a special treat courtesy of our friends at the Meat Council, please help yourself to this tripe.
- Lisa uses the riding lawnmower to push away Homers barbecue pig.Marge: Bart, no! (Bart is shown standing next to her)
Marge: Sorry, force of habit. Lisa, no!
- Homer and Bart chase the runaway pig after Lisa pushes it down a hill.(the pig rolls through some bushes)
Homer: It's just a little dirty! It's still good, it's still good!
(the pig ends up in a river)
Homer: It's just a little slimy! It's still good, it's still good!
(the pig gets stuck in the river dam and is blown away by the water pressure)
Homer: It's just a little airborne! It's still good, it's still good!
Bart: It's gone.
Homer: (quietly) I know.
(scene cut to the Springfield Nuclear Power Plant)
Mr. Burns: You know Smithers, I think I'll donate $1 million to the local orphanage... when pigs fly!
(Smithers and him both laugh, then the pig goes flying past the window)
Smithers: Will you be donating that money now, sir?
Mr. Burns: No, I'd still prefer not.
- Around the breakfast table after Lisa ruins the barbecue:Homer: Marge, since I'm not talking to Lisa, would you please ask her to pass me the syrup?Marge: (wearily) Dear, please pass your father the syrup, Lisa.Lisa: Bart, tell Dad I will only pass the syrup if it won't be used on any meat product.Bart: (to Homer) You dunkin' your sausages in that syrup homeboy?Homer: Marge, tell Bart I just want to drink a nice glass of syrup like I do every morning.Marge: Tell him yourself, you're ignoring Lisa, not Bart.Homer: Bart, thank your mother for pointing that out.Marge: Homer, you're not, not talking to me, and secondly, I heard what you said.Homer: Lisa, tell your mother to get off my case!Bart: Uhhh, Dad. Lisa's the one you're not talking to.Homer: Bart! Go to your room.Lisa: Why don't you just eat him, Dad!Homer: I don't need any serving suggestions from you, you barbeque-wrecking know-nothing-know-it-all!Lisa: THAT'S IT! I can't live in a house with this prehistoric carnivore! I! AM! OUTTA HERE! (storms out)Homer: That's it! Go to your room!
134. - Treehouse of Horror VInote
A. - Attack of the 50-Foot Eyesores
- When the "ionic disturbance" brings the giant advertising mascots on Springfield's main commercial street to life, the three Zip Boys, Maury, Mel, and Mack (parodies of Manny, Moe, and Jack, the mascots of real garage chain Pep Boys) jump down from the garage roof... and immediately fall over, as their giant heads make them top heavy. They walk away, dragging their heads along the ground, as the stereotypically Jewish garage owner berates them for leaving in the middle of the night and scratching up their heads.
- Among the other mascots that come to life is a giant tam-o'-shanter, which is seen crawling over buildings like a giant manta ray in the background of Kent Brockman's piece to camera on the rampage - a piece that is interrupted when a billboard of Kent comes to life and grabs the hapless anchor.
- Chief Wiggum mistakenly shoots at an absurdly tall basketball player, thinking him to be one of the giant advertising characters come to life.Wiggum: Aw, they're not so tough.
Lou: Um... Chief, that wasn't a monster. That was the captain of the high school basketball team.
Wiggum: Um, yeah, well, he was turning into a monster.
- As Homer is relaxing in the giant donut he somehow got into the living room, the doorbell rings and the giant Lard Lad statue is waiting for him. Despite being taller than the Simpsons' house and clearly capable of smashing it with his bare hands, he chooses to get Homer's attention by ringing the doorbell. And after Homer's attempt to divert him by getting him to smash Flanders' house only buys him a few seconds, he returns and... rings the doorbell again. The real icing on the cake is Homer's almost complete nonchalance at the sight of a live - and angry - Lard Lad outside his house.Homer: [opens front door] Hello? Yes? [looks up and sees Lard Lad] Oh. [laughs nervously] Uh, if you're looking for that donut of yours, um... Flanders has it. Just smash open his house.
[Homer shuts the door as Lard Lad leaves]
Homer: [to himself] He came to life... Good for him.
[loud smashing is heard, then loud thumping and the doorbell; Homer opens the door and sees Lard Lad again]
Ned: [runs past on the street] Help me, Lord!
Homer: [insistently] I TOLD YOU! Flanders has it! ...Or Moe. Go kill Moe.
- Marge pulls up in the station wagon with the kids and intervenes with Lard Lad:Marge: Homer, just give him the donut. Once he has it, this will be the end of all this horror!
Homer: (as Lard Lad impatiently drums his fingers) Well... okay, if it'll end horror.
(cut to Lard Lad triumphantly holding his donut... then he grins maliciously and starts smashing houses with it, kicking away a dog that barks at him)
Homer: (turns to look at Marge) Don't you ever get tired of being wrong all the time?
B. - Nightmare on Evergreen Terrace
- In the playground, the kids talk about the ways Groundskeeper Willie has been after them. Nelson walks in looking all neat, tidy and shiny, because he was run over by a floor buffer in his dream.
- In a brilliant case of Black Comedy, Martin Prince ends up dying at school. Lunchlady Doris tries to wheel his body out without drawing any attention to it, but Principal Skinner is standing on a corner of the sheet covering his body, which is yanked off and reveals his screaming corpse. Everyone in the classroom is horrified, prompting Skinner to have the body quickly removed from the classroom - only for it to end up being taken into the Kindergarten room by accident, which causes Skinner to facepalm.
- Willie delivers Martin's death with a Pre-Mortem One-Liner that would make Freddy Krueger proud:Martin: Aha! Morire: to die. Morit: he, she, or it dies.
Willie: Moris: YOU die. You've mastered a dead tongue, but can you handle a live one? (Tongue shoots from his mouth like a tentacle, ensnaring Martin and then squeezing him to death with it.)
- While Willie's death is horrific, there is still some hilarious Mood Whiplash.[as Willie is engulfed by flames from the furnace, he screams and grabs the doorknob to the boiler room; cut to a PTA meeting with attendees including Homer and Marge, Ned and Maude Flanders, Clancy and Sarah Wiggum, Kirk and Luann Van Houten, and others]
Skinner: Our next budget item: $12 for doorknob repair.
Parents: [in unison] Nay.
[back in the boiler room, the doorknob falls apart; a still screaming Willie grabs a fire extinguisher. Back at the PTA meeting...]
Skinner: ... recharging discharged fire extinguishers. Now, this is a free service of the fire department.
Parents: [roughly in unison] Nay.
[back in the boiler room, Willie tries spraying himself with the fire extinguisher, but it's empty; he roars in frustration, smashes down the boiler room door, and staggers down the hallway to the PTA meeting, on fire from head to foot]
Willie: HELP! PLEASE HELP ME!
Skinner: Willie, please, Mr. Van Houten has the floor.
[Willie, still on fire, calmly sits down in the corner]
Kirk: Uh, I for one would like to see the cafeteria menus in advance, so parents can adjust their dinner menus accordingly. Uh, I don't like the idea of Milhouse having two spaghetti meals in one day.
- In the final showdown, Bart calls for help from Lisa, only for them both to realise this meant she fell asleep.Lisa: (as Willie prepares to kill them) Goodbye, Bart.
Bart: Bye, Lis. Hope you get reincarnated as someone who can stay awake for fifteen minutes!
- After Willie is defeated in Bart's dream, he shows up at the Simpson house and has a hilariously pitiful attempt to scare Bart and Lisa. Then the bus leaves and Willie realizes he left his gun on the seat. He also loses a shoe while trying to catch up with the bus on foot.
C. - Homer3note
- Homer enters the Third Dimension and is amazed by what he sees.Homer: (thinking) O Glory of Glories. O heavenly testament to the eternal majesty of God's Creation. (speaking) Holy macaroni!
- As Homer explores more of the dimension he is in, he comments on the experience, and then ends up making a mistake.Homer: Man, this place looks expensive. I feel like I'm wasting a fortune just standing here. (a 3D cone is seen bouncing around in the background; during a long pause, Homer scratches himself) Better make the most of it. [BELCH!] (the 3D cone hits Homer in the butt) OW! Watch it, coney! (he grunts as he throws the cone away, and it lands point first into the ground, creating a sinkhole that also functions as a black hole) Whoops.
- Chief Wiggum gets tired of hearing Professor Frink explain the Third Dimension and decides to act.Chief Wiggum: Enough of your borax, poindexter! A mans life is at stake! We need action! (draws his gun and fires several bullets into the wall entrance) Take that, ya lousy dimension! (Inside the Third Dimension, Homer narrowly avoids getting blasted by Wiggum's bullets)
- Homer screams "CRAAAAAPPPP!" after getting sucked into a black hole.
- The black hole ends up taking 3D Homer into the real world, which he deems "The worst place yet!". He seems to forget all his troubles (and the awkward looks from humans) when he notices a nearby bakery selling erotic cakes.
135. - King-Size Homer
- Waylon Smithers and the hired goons who work for Mr. Burns (and the Disney Corporation) break into the mens restroom and drag Homer out — all because he wants to get out of 5 minutes of calisthenics.
- Dr. Hibbert refuses to take part in Homer's personal weight-gain plan.Dr. Hibbert: (gasps) My god. That's monstrous! I have never heard of anything so neglec— (sighs) I'll have no part of it. (turns his back on Homer)
Homer: Can you recommend a doctor who will?
Dr. Hibbert: (turns around and thinks it over; then smiles) Yes.
Dr. Nick: Hi, everybody!
Bart & Homer: Hi, Dr. Nick!
- Dr. Nick Riviera explains to Homer a few ways to make gaining weight go faster.Homer: What can I do to speed the whole thing up, doctor?
Dr. Nick: Ah, be creative. Instead of making sandwiches with bread, use Pop-Tarts. Instead of chewing gum, chew bacon.
Bart: You could brush your teeth with milkshakes!
Dr. Nick: Say, did you go to Hollywood Upstairs Medical College, too?
- As Homer is eating food at Krusty Burger, Bart hands him a fish sandwich. Homer isnt too sure about eating it, so Bart rubs it against the wallpaper, turning it clear. Then a bird flies right smack into the clear spot.
- When Homer reaches his goal weight, he decides to buy "something billowy" to wear over his now giant frame. So he heads to Vast Waistband:Salesman: Well, sir, uh, many of our clients find pants confining, so we offer a range of alternatives for the ample gentleman: ponchos, muumuus, capes, jumpsuits, unisheets, muslin rolls, academic and judicial robes...
Homer: I don't wanna look like a weirdo! I'll just go with a muumuu.
- Homer mocks traffic as he stays home from work, due to experimental monkeys taking over the freeway.Homer: Hee-hee-hee! I pity those poor suckers on the freeway. Gas, brake, honk! Gas, brake, honk! Honk, honk, punch! Gas, gas, gas!
- Homer casually walks to work-at-home computer.Homer: 8:58, first time I've ever been early for work. Except for all those daylight savings days. Lousy farmers.
- Immediately after the above, Homer tries to work out how his computer starts up:Homer: "To start, press any key." Where's the "Any" key? I see "Esc", "Ctrl" (pronounced "kuh-tur-uhl") an "PgUp" (pronounced "pig up") There doesn't seem to be any "Any" key! Whew, all this computer hacking is making me thirsty. I think I'll order a Tab. (presses the "Tab" key, computer starts up) Huh? No time for that now, the computer's starting!
- Bart envisions growing up to be housebound and obese like his dad, saying "Ah wash mahself with a rag on a stick!". He then chases a squicked out Lisa with his imaginary rag on a stick.
- The reveal of where the vented radioactive gas goes: to a cornfield outside the plant.Farmer: (seeing the devastation) Aw, no, mah corn! Paul Newman's gonna have my legs broke.
- As he is working, Homer discovers that his work can be done at a faster rate.Homer: Well, give me a Y, give me a... Hey! All I have to type is Y. (to Marge) Hey, Miss Doesn't-find-me-attractive-sexually-anymore, I just tripled my productivity!
Marge: Good. Good for you.
- In the basement, Homer cleans the hat he wears with his muumuu.Homer: Mmm... I can feel three kinds of softness.
Lisa: Dad, what are you doing down there?
Homer: Washing my fat guy hat, honey.
- At the Aztec Theater, Homer is denied entrance into the movie because of his size and all the people who are watching laugh at him.Homer: Shame on all of you. Give me my dignity! I just came here to see "Honk If You're Horny" in peace!
Manager: Sir, if you'd just quiet down, I'd be happy to treat you to a garbage bag full of popcorn.
- Lenny and Carl walk past the rumbling nuclear tank.Carl: Hey, that thing's going caca cuckoo.
Lenny: Who cares? It's Homer's problem.
- Homer tries to call the nuclear plant to warn about the potential explosion, but his fingers cant press the right numbers because they are too big.Homer: I gotta call the plant and warn 'em. (he picks up the phone and ends up pushing several buttons at once; multiple tones are heard simultaneously, followed by the warning tone)
Telephone Operator Lady: The fingers you have used to dial are too fat. To obtain a special dialling wand, please mash the keypad with your palm now. (Homer shrieks, drops the phone, and runs out the front door)
- In order to stop a nuclear explosion at the power plant, Homer hijacks an ice cream truck. After briefly showing another calisthenics exercise at the nuclear plant and the tank shaking more vigorously than earlier, the scene cuts to the school bus that Otto drives.Ralph: I heard your dad went into a restaurant and ate everything in the restaurant and they had to close the restaurant.
Lisa: Hey, my dad may have gained a little weight, but he's not some kind of food crazed maniac!
(Lisa looks out the bus window and sees Homer passing the school bus in the ice cream truck, eating an ice cream cone)
Homer: Mm ah! Oh, that's raspberry! (Lisa moans)
- Homer drives the ice cream truck through the fence, and some employees get excited and run after it.Homer: Get away, damn it! Run for your lives!
Worker #1: I'll take a rocket pop!
Worker #2: What can I get for 30 cents?!
Homer: Let go! I've got to get to the tank!
(the truck crashes and tips on its side; Homer runs out)
Worker #3: (looking at the roof of the ice cream truck after it flipped over) Heck, I can't decide without the pictures.
- Homer ends up stopping a nuclear explosion at the plant.Lisa: I think it's ironic that Dad saved the day while a slimmer man would have fallen to his death.
Bart: And I think it's ironic that for once Dad's butt prevented the release of toxic ga—
- Afterward, Mr. Burns agrees to help Homer lose the extra weight he gained.Mr. Burns: Now Homer, if there is anything else I can do for you, please don't hesitate to ask.
(Homer looks at his family and sees how hard his obesity has made life for them)
Homer: Mr. Burns, can you make me thin again?
Mr. Burns: I guarantee it.
(at night, Mr. Burns and Homer are the only two people at the plant; Homer strains as he tries to do a sit-up)
Mr. Burns: (through megaphone) One. (Homer groans, but can't even come close to a sit-up) One! (Homer groans again, but still can't do it) ONE! (Homer groans yet again, and is still no closer to a sit-up; Mr. Burns throws the megaphone on to the ground in frustration) Bah! I'll just pay for the blasted liposuction!
136. - Mother Simpson
- Homer uses a dummy to fake his own death. Many of the other nuclear plant employees believe that he really did die, including Mr. Burns and Waylon Smithers.Mr. Burns: (surprisingly sad) Smithers, who was that corpse?
Smithers: (increasingly sad and teary) Homer Simpson, sir... one of the finest, bravest men ever to grace Sector 7-G! (sobs, the becomes calm and bureaucratic again) I'll cross him off the list.
- Homer goes to the Springfield Hall of Records to change his status of deceased back to alive. He demands to see what is in the government file and the bureaucrat reluctantly agrees.Homer: (reading on computer screen) "Wife: Marjorie. Children: Bartholomew, Lisa"aha! See? This thing is all screwed up! Who the heck is Margaret Simpson?
Bureaucrat: Uh, your youngest daughter.
Homer: (mockingly) Uh, your youngest daughter.
- The sign on the Hall of Records states "not the good kind of records - historical ones".
- Homer goes and visits (what he has believed for a long time to be) his mother's "grave".
- Homer, looking for what he thinks is his mother's grave, stumbles on the plot Patty and Selma bought for his own fake death, resulting in this:Why does my death keep coming back to haunt me?!
- From Homer and Mona's reunion:Homer: I thought you were dead.
Mona: I thought you were dead.
Gravedigger: Dang it, isn't anyone in this dang blasted cemetery dead?
(in the grave beside him, Hans Moleman pops out of a casket)
Hans Moleman: I didn't want to cause a fuss, but now that you mention it...(the casket starts lowering into the grave)
- Chief Wiggum tries to radio an APB on Homer and Mona.Chief Wiggum: Put out an APB on a...Uosdwis R. Dewoh. Uh, you better start with Greektown.
Joe Friday: That's "Homer J. Simpson," Chief. You're reading it upside down.
Chief Wiggum: Uh, cancel that APB, but could you bring us back some of those, uh...gy-ros?
Joe Friday: Uh, Chief? You're talking into your wallet. (Wiggum's wallet unfolds in his hand, revealing a long chain of family photos)
- Later, Mr. Burns attempts to storm the Simpson home in a tank in order to arrest Homer's mother Mona, who sabotaged his chemical lab in The '60s.Mr. Burns: (in the tank) I've been waiting 25 years for this moment. (he plays a cassette tape of "Ride of the Valkyries." It switches into ABBA's "Waterloo"; he glares at Smithers)
Smithers: I'm sorry, sir, I must have taped over that.note
- Not to mention the priceless look on Burns' face when his precious moment is ruined (pictured above).
- Then they storm the house to that music anyway.
- Grampa Abe stalls the FBI so Mona and Homer can escape.Joe Friday: FBI. The jig is up.
Abe: All right, I admit it: I am the Lindbergh baby. Waah! Waah! Goo goo. I miss my fly-fly dada.
Friday: Are you trying to stall us, or are you just senile?
Abe: A little from column A, a little from column B.
137. - Sideshow Bob's Last Gleaming
- Sideshow Bob does an impersonation of Colonel Leslie Hapablap in order to get access to the restricted area of an Air Force base hangar.(intercom buzzes)
Sergeant: Authorization code?
Bob: (impersonating Colonel Hapablap) Code? Son, this is Colonel Hapablap. That fool McGuckett sprayed runway foam all over Chuck Yeager's Acura. Now get down there with the chamois triple time!
Sergeant: But Colonel, I'm under strict orders...
Bob: Sweet Enola Gay, son! Get moving or I'll tear you up like a Kleenex at a... (breaks character and speaks disdainfully in his natural voice)...snot party.
Sergeant: Sir! Right away Sir!
- The Distinguished Representatives of Television are:
- Krusty sees the porno magazines on the table and yells, "Hey, hey! Now this is my kind of meeting!"
- Bob stealing a nuke in a wheelbarrow, only to almost tip it over while laughing maniacally.
- Milhouse screwing around in the cockpit of a fighter jet (pretending he's shooting at his parents and his psychologist) only to activate the catapult seat while randomly pressing buttons. In the next scene, he crashes in the background while Colonel Hapablap is talking to a soldier.
- Sideshow Bob attempts to kill Krusty by smashing the Wright Brothers plane into the civil defense shed out in the Alkali Flats. After being warned by Bart, Krusty jumps through the window to safety, gets up from cover, lights a cigarette, and says "What is the friggin hold up?" The plane finally reaches the shack, harmlessly bounces off it...only to get run over by a tank.Soldier: Oooh, sorry. We normally don't drive these things in the Air Force...
- Sideshow Bob's anti-climactic death cry:Bob: DIIIIIIEEEEE, KRRRUSSTY, DIII- (plane bounces off shed wall)
138. - The Simpsons 138th Episode Spectacular
- The crude, child-like drawings of Abe Simpson and Krusty the Clown.
- Troy McClure walks off-stage, sighing in "Why the hell am I doing this?"-style defeat, and smokes a cigarette during the first commercial break.
- After some clips from The Tracey Ullman Show shorts, there's a cut back to a very confused looking McClure-who, upon realizing the cameras are on, manages to get out a very short, forced laugh.
- Troy introduces the cut scenes with; "By now you're probably thinking, 'But, Troy, I've seen every Simpsons episode, you can't possibly show me anything new!'" (Rather darkly) "You've got some attitude, mister."
- Troy gets poked in the stomach after falling asleep during the "cut-out classics" montage.
- In the deleted scenes, Homer is going through all the care packages that Mona sent him, and Mona asks what he's doing for a living. He explains that he's working for the nuclear plant, to which Mona, most likely due to her history with Mr. Burns, is clearly disappointed. Homer reassures her that he doesn't work very hard. Then quietly tells her he's actually bringing the place down from the inside.
- Troy ends the episode with a montage of "hardcore nudity!" (though the nudity is mid-PG-level, being all the clips of nude Springfield characters from the series to that point).
139. - Marge Be Not Proud
- Bart watches the commercial for a new video game called Bonestorm, and then does what Santa instructs at the end.Bart: Buy me Bonestorm or go to Hell!
Homer: Young man, in this house, we use a little word called "please".
- Bart asks Milhouse if he can play Bonestorm, and then he gets thrown out of the house by Luann.
- The different video game mascots encourage Bart to steal the Bonestorm video game from the Try-N-Save.Luigi: (Italian accent) Go on Bart, take-a the Bonestorm.
Mario: (Italian accent) The store, she's-a so rich, she'll-a never notice.
Donkey Kong: Duhh, it's the company's fault for making you want it so much.
Lee Carvallo: Don't do it son, how's that game going to help your putting?
Sonic: Juuuust TAKE IT! Take it take it take it take take it! TAKEIT!
- Some of the past Christmas photos show Bart doing goofy things to ruin the picture, including holding a speech bubble that says, "I stink!" next to Homer.
- The scene at the end of Lee Carvello's Putting Challenge being played. "Ball is in parking lot."Would you like to try again?
You have selected no.
- Bart and Lisa are watching TV:Announcer: It's a Krusty Kinda Khristmas, brought to you by ILG: selling your body's chemicals after you die. And by Li'l Sweetheart Cupcakes — a subsidiary of ILG.
- Bart switching the answering machine tape with a tape of Allan Sherman songs and Homer's confused reaction to "Hello Muddah Hello Faddah":Homer: Marge is Lisa at Camp Grenada?
140. - Team Homer
- Bart and Lisa both have to adapt to Springfield Elementary's new school uniforms.Bart: Mom, my slingshot doesn't fit in these pockets. And these shorts leave nothing to the imagination. These uniforms suck!
Marge: Bart! Where do you pick up words like that?
Homer: [nearby, using the phone] Yeah, Moe, that team sure did suck last night. They just plain sucked! I've seen teams suck before, but they were the suckiest bunch of sucks that ever sucked!
Marge: HOMER! Watch your mouth!
Homer: Aw, I gotta go, my damn wiener kids are listening.
- When Mr. Burns and Smithers crash the bowling alley:Mr. Burns: Look at them, Smithers, enjoying their embezzlement.
Smithers: I have a much uglier word for it, sir: "Misappropriation"!
- The kids cause a riot after the rain turns their uniforms into tie-dyed art.
- Principal Skinner sees the effects of the rain and realizing he buys his mother's clothes from the same place.Seymour: Oh, good Lord! Mother's in the park! [runs off]
Chalmers: Now this, I gotta see. [follows him]
- Moe attempts to cripple Mr. Burns to keep him out of the bowling finals a la Nancy Kerrigan, except turns out Burns' knee was acting up and Moe hitting him with a tire iron actually knocked it back into place, curing him.
Season 7: Part 2
141. - Two Bad Neighbors
- The reason Apu isn't at the Kwik-E-Mart at the beginning is because the Squishee machine malfunctioned and flooded the place. We then see the interior, where the two repairmen are in diving suits, while Jimbo breaks in through the roof access and steals two cases of beer.
- Homer gets stuck behind George H. W. Bush and his bodyguard Ray Johnson at the Krusty Burger drive-thru.Homer: Oh, man: I've only got 1 minute 'til they stop serving those breakfast balls! (stops behind Bush at the drive thru)
George: Let's see, now...what do you folks have here, huh? Hmm, a "Krusty Burger"...that doesn't sound too appetizing. What kind of stew do you have today?
Squeaky-Voiced Teen: (through order box) Uh...we don't have stew.
(Homer honks his car horn impatiently)
Ray: Sir, why don't you just have the cheeseburger?
George: Aw, that's really more of a weekend thing, Ray.
Homer: (loudly) Hey, jerk! Move your fanny!
George: That guy's louder than World War II. Ray, go see what the rhubarb is, will you?
(Ray goes back toward Homer's car)
Ray: Sir, could you pop your hood?
(Homer does so; Ray disables the horn)
Homer: Hey, my taxes paid for that horn!
- Homer's cleverest line that was never heard.(George Bush and a group of Springfielders jog past Homer and Santa's Little Helper)
Homer: Look at those phonies sucking up to Bush.
(Santa's Little Helper goes off running with George Bush, leaving Homer all alone)
Homer: I guess you might say he's barking up the wrong Bush. (chuckles to himself)
Homer's Brain: There it is, Homer: The cleverest thing you'll ever say and nobody heard it.
- The gag the episode is named after where George crudely spray-paints a banner of Homer and Bart captioned "Two Bad Neighbors" and drapes it over his own house. It backfires when, due to Bush's rather limited artistic skills, passers-by cannot recognize who said "Bad Neighbors" are supposed to be:Dr. Hibbert: I-I don't understand. Uh, are you saying that you and Barbara are bad neighbors?
George: No! It's not Bar and me. It's them!
Ned: Who? Maude and me?
George: No, the man and his boy. Ya know; the boy is named Bart. I don't know the name of the man. Bar, what's the name of the man?
Barbara: I'm not getting involved, George.
- Homer tricks Bush into coming outside using cardboard cutouts of "Jeb" and "George Bush Jr.". At the time, the writers had no idea there actually was a George Bush Jr., and the gag was supposed to be that Homer idiotically made up a fake son. Now, it looks like Homer knew all along.(George comes outside, and the cardboard cutouts are drawn up quickly)
Homer: NOW, BOY! GIVE 'EM THE GLUE!
(Bart, who was atop the roof over the door, pours a big bottle of super glue all over Georges head)
Homer: (sprints by and slams a big rainbow afro wig on his head) HAHAHAHAHAH! (Bart and him flee)
- Then George goes to his Elk Club meeting, saying that was the only thing he was going to leave his house to do.George: (having cut most of the stuck wig off, leaving only a short, rainbow color clean cut look) Now...are there any questions?
(almost everyone's hands go up)
George: (highly irritated) Keeping in mind — I already explained about my hair.
(those hands go back down)
- Then George goes to his Elk Club meeting, saying that was the only thing he was going to leave his house to do.
- George points how Bart technically started the neighbor war:Homer: For the last time, Bush; apologize for spanking my boy!
George: Never! You make him apologize for destroying my memoirs.
Homer: (to Bart) You never told me you destroyed his memoirs. (to George) NEVER!
- As George and Homer grapple with each other, the former fires off this one-liner:George: I'll ruin you like a Japanese banquet!
- Mikhail Gorbachev showing up at Bush's house with a housewarming gift, only to catch Bush brawling with Homer in the mud.Gorbachev: I just dropped by with present for warming of house. Instead I find you here grappling with local oaf.
Homer: (to Bush) Oh! Brought some of your Commie friends to help you fight dirty, eh?!
- Barbara Bush forces George to give an apology to Homer so their dispute can end.George: But, Bar! (whispered as he looks at Gorbachev) We can't show any weakness in front of the Russians.
Barbara: (reproachfully) George...
(long pause as George swallows his pride)
George: (sighs) Yes, dear...
Gorbachev: (speaks Russian to his driver, and the driver laughs)
George: Okay... I'm sorry I spanked your boy, Homer.
Homer: Woo-hoo! In your face, Bush! Now apologize for the tax hike.
(George gives Homer a Death Glare)
- George H.W. Bush moves out and who moves in? Why, Gerald Ford, who immediately strikes a chord with Homer.Gerald: Say, Homer, do you like football?
Homer: Do I ever!
Gerard: Do you like nachos?
Homer: Yes, Mr. Ford.
Gerald: Well, why don't you come over and watch the game, and we'll have nachos and then some beer.
Homer: (delighted) Ooh...
(Homer and Gerald walk towards his house)
Homer: Jerry, I think you and I are going to get along just...
(they trip on the sidewalk)
Homer & Gerald: (in unison) D'oh!
142. - Scenes from the Class Struggle in Springfield
- Grampa Abe breaks the familys TV and is promptly dropped off at the retirement home.
- Homer meets professional golfer Tom Kite.Tom Kite: I'm PGA Tour Pro Tom Kite. How 'bout I give you a few pointers on your game? (continuing) Now, you don't want to overthink.
Homer: Not an issue.
Tom: Keep your head down.
Homer: (raising his head) Huh?
Tom: Pretend there's no one else here. (Homer scratches his butt with the club and burps)...And just go at your own pace. (Homer hits the ball very close to the hole)....Wow, very impressive. You're a natural, Mr. Simpson.
Tom: Uh huh. All you need is your own set of clubs, and stay the hell out of my locker! — You can keep the shoes!
- Homer swings a golf club until he lets it go...and it knocks out Krusty the Clown as he's learning how to golf.
143. - Bart the Fink
- The Cayman Banker, being phoned about Krusty's holdings.Banker: (over the phone) I'm sorry, but I cannot divulge any information about our customer's secret, illegal account. (he puts down the phone) ... Oh, Crap! I shouldn't have said he was a customer! Oh, Crap! I shouldn't have said it was a secret! Oh, Crap! I certainly shouldn't have said that it was illegal! ... (he leans back in his chair) Ahhh, it's too hot today...
- On the evening news, Kent Brockman reports on Krusty being arrested for tax fraud and Bart's role in it. Bart ends up feeling remorseful.Bart: Krusty's my hero. How could I do this to him?
Lisa: It is a tragedy for all us kids, but Bart, you can't beat yourself up.
Bart: Yeah. There'll be plenty of people to do that for me at recess tomorrow.
- After taking over all of Krusty's other businesses, the IRS also, for reasons known only to themselves, decide to rebrand Krusty Burger as IRS Burger.Homer: Let's see... I'll have four tax burgers... one IRS-switch, but hold the lettuce, four dependant-sized sodas and a Pikewhich.
Squeaky-Voiced Teen: (hands over a form) Fill out Plan B. You should receive your burgers in six to eight weeks.
(Homer immediately takes out a pair of reading glasses and starts filling in the forms without complaint)
Homer: Marge, what were your gambling losses last year?
Marge: (from offscreen) Seven hundred dollars.
- Bob Newhart gives a rambling eulogy for Krusty, which he makes up on the spot (he was waiting for a different funeral to start):Oh. Um, although I started my career several years before Krusty, so I could never really have learned anything... directly from him, still, I think, in a way, in a very meaningful way, that I... that all, all of us... have learned... from him. That is, by being, a clown on television for, for... for so many years. Even though, uh, y'know, many of us, we didn't really watch his show. (audience is silent) Uh, th-thank you.
- Homer pitifully attempts to comfort Bart over Krusty's death.Homer: Don't let Krusty's death get you down, boy. People die all the time! Just like that. [snaps fingers] Why, you could wake up dead tomorrow!
[long awkward pause as Homer stares at Bart and Bart stares back]
Homer: Well, good night!
[Homer leaves Bart's room and turns off the light, leaving Bart in the dark, staring in wide-eyed horror]
- Handsome Pete and everything about him.The Sea Captain: Not a quarter! D'arr! He'll be dancin' for hours!
- Krusty (in his assumed identity of Rory B. Bellows) attempts to escape from Bart and Lisa on his boat, only to notice that he forgot to untie the boat from the dock.
144. - Lisa the Iconoclast
- Homer talks to Hollis Hurlbut, the museum curator.Homer: Town crier. I'd like to ask you a few questions. One: Where's the fife? And two: Gimme the fife.
- "I have nothing but respect for the office of town crier, but this is well outside your jurisdiction!"
- Mayor Quimby's lament when Lisa and Homer demand they dig up Jebediah's grave. "Can't we have one meeting that doesn't end with us digging up a corpse?"
- The Comic Book Guy's appearance at the copy place:Comic Book Guy: A question, is your name Ridley Scott or James Cameron?
Homer: No, it's Homer.
Comic Book Guy: Well, then I would thank you to stop staring at my screen-play, Homer. And if I ever see a movie where robots threaten our personal liberties, I'll know you've stolen my idea!
Homer: I'm just waiting here with my kid.
Homer's Brain: Mental note: Steal his idea.
- The scene at Moe's bar:Moe: Aw, little cutie wants ta say somethin' cute. (the barflys mumble drunkenly) SHADDAP, YA BUMS! SHADDAP! (turns back to Lisa, suddenly much gentler) G'head, angel.
Lisa: Jebediah Springfield was nothing more than an evil, bloodthirsty pirate who hated this town!
(all the barflies and Moe stare in utter horror)
Moe: Good... GOD! (he motions to Homer) Homer, y'know I support pretty much any prejudice y' could name, but your hero-phobia sickens me! You and your daughter ain't welcome here no more! Barney, show 'em the exit!
Barney: There's an exit?!
- Lisa's hallucinatory George Washington isn't took taken with her hesitance.Washington: We had quitters in the Revolution, too. We called them Kentuckians!
- And after that, as he leaves:Washington: Looks like I'll have to find another little girl to be president. What's your friend Janey's number?
Lisa: No, not Janey! She'll pack the supreme court full with boys!
- And after the vision disappears:Lisa: I want to help you, George Washington...
Bart: (from the hallway) "I want to help you, George Washington"? Pfft, even your dreams are square.
- And after that, as he leaves:
145. - Homer the Smithers
- A drunken Lenny tries to thank Mr. Burns for a good time, but he ends up horrifying Mr. Burns. Waylon Smithers ends up feeling guilty for letting it happen when he drives Mr. Burns home.Smithers: I failed you and I'll never forgive myself. (Smithers starts hitting his head on the steering wheel) Never, never, never, never, never!
(Mr. Burns puts up the window between the two of them and the phone rings)
Smithers: Never, never, never, never! (He is still hitting his head on the steering wheel)
- Smithers looks for the worst employee at the nuclear power plant to replace him while he goes on vacation, so that Mr. Burns will be awfully grateful when he returns.Smithers: (typing into computer) Incompetent... (screen shows "714 matches") 714 names! Better be more specific. (types some more) Lazy, clumsy, dimwitted, monstrously ugly. (loading screen appears, before it shows "714 matches" again) Ah, nuts to this, I'll just get Homer Simpson.
- Homer informs Mr. Burns of messages he received; all of them are about a car Mr. Burns owns.Homer: Here are your messages. "You have 30 minutes to move your car. You have 10 minutes. Your car has been impounded. Your car has been crushed into a cube. You have 30 minutes to move your cube." (Mr. Burns phone rings and Homer answers it) Yello, Mr. Burns office.
Mr. Burns: Is it about my cube?
- Homer goes through a few attempts at making Mr. Burns breakfast, which ends with Homer setting fire to a bowl of cereal -- by merely pouring milk and cereal in a bowl (pictured above).
- As Homer returns to apologize for punching Mr. Burns in the face, he is seen hiding and cowering behind his rubber tree plant in the corner of the office.
- After Homer gives an apology and Mr. Burns tells Homer to leave him alone, he (Mr. Burns) decides to call Smithers by dialing his name on the phone (7-648-4377 spells S-M-I-T-H-E-R-S). He winds up calling Moe Szyslak at his bar, and Moe answers the phone.Moe: Moe's Tavern.
Mr. Burns: (on the other end) I'm looking for a Mr. Smithers. First name Waylon.
(Moe thinks it's another prank phone call and catches on early)
Moe: Ohhhhhh. So you're looking for a Mr. Smithers, eh? First name Waylon, is it? Listen to me you! When I catch you, I'm gonna pull out your eyes and shove 'em down your pants, so you can watch me kick the crap outta you, OK!? Then I'm gonna use your tongue to paint my boat!
(Mr. Burns becomes afraid and sticks the phone in a drawer without hanging it up)
- Homer inadvertently disconnects the telephone call to Mr. Burns elderly mother instead of pressing the "Transfer" button, so he ends up improvising a conversation with Mr. Burns by using an impersonation voice. Mr. Burns finds out and is not happy about it.
- During Homer's impersonation, Smithers berates him that she doesn't call her son Mr. Burns.
- Mr. Burns recklessly driving across town.Mr. Burns: Out of my way, please! I'm a motorist!
Chief Wiggum: Yeah, that's some nice reckless driving, Mr. B!
- The very, very gay resort that Smithers is staying at."I gotta go, sir! There's a line behind me!"
- The kids trying to take advantage of a sleep-deprived Homer.Bart: Look alive, Simpson, I'm not paying you to goldbrick.
Homer: Uh, yes, sir.
Bart: Now get cracking on my long division, and don't forget to show your work, Simpson.
Homer: I'll have it on your desk tomorrow morning, sir.
Lisa: Bart, leave Simpson alone! Simpson, I need a ride to the library.
Homer: Yes, sir.
Marge: Kids, stop exploiting your father. Homie, why don't you lie down and relax?
Homer: No time, Marge. I think Mr. Burns wants me to do some long division.
Marge: Simpson, lie down!
- Smithers trying to get a new job. First he applies to a job as a piano mover...and immediately needs a steel rod where his spine was. Then he tries to be an announcer at the speed track, and is thrown out when he questions saying things three times.
- In desperation, Smithers goes to Moe's, for the job of distracting Barney when the beer comes at midnight. Homer manages to talk him into trying to win back Mr. Burns, and then, the clock strikes midnight...Moe: Oh. My. God!
(pan out to the bar, where Barney is gone. We hear a truck pull up.)
Delivery guy: Beer delivery, sign here - Oh no, it's you!
(sound of carnage and Barney laughing, while Moe starts sobbing at the bar)
- In desperation, Smithers goes to Moe's, for the job of distracting Barney when the beer comes at midnight. Homer manages to talk him into trying to win back Mr. Burns, and then, the clock strikes midnight...
146. - The Day the Violence Died
- Hutz sloppily claiming that his business card, which says "Works On Contingency — No Money Down", has a "typo" and hastily using a marker to change it to "Works On Contingency? — No, Money Down!" This is a favorite amongst lawyers.Lionel Hutz: Oops, shouldn't have this Bar Association logo either... (tears off the logo and eats it)
- While Chester J. Lampwick is staying at the Simpsons house, Abe visits, and at dinner glowers at Lampwick.Abe: I thought I recognised you. I gave you a plate of corn muffins in nineteen forty-seven to paint my chicken coop, and you never did it!
Lampwick: Those corn muffins were lousy.
Abe: Paint my chicken coop!
Lampwick: Make me.
(Abe lunges across the table at Lampwick and the two start brawling.)
- Lionel Hutz has bad luck during court.Lionel Hutz: (to Lampwick) When you created Itchy & Scratchy -
Blue-Haired Lawyer: Objection!
Judge Snyder: Sustained.
Lionel Hutz: If I hear "objection" and "sustained" one more time today, I think I'm going to scream!
Blue-Haired Lawyer: Objection!
Judge Snyder: Sustained.
Lionel Hutz: DAAAAAAAAAHHH!!
- The Schoolhouse Rock! parody is about an Amendment to ban flag-burning waiting to be ratified. And Bart and Lisa's reactions to it.Lisa: So it's true. Some cartoons do encourage violence. (hits Bart)
- Before that, their reaction mid-way through.Bart: What the hell is this?
Lisa: It's one of those campy 70s throw-backs that appeals to Generation Xers.
Bart: We need another Vietnam to thin out their ranks a little.
- Before that, their reaction mid-way through.
- Bart and Lisa try to tell Roger Meyers Jr. that they had a plan to save his company from bankruptcy, but he isnt interested.Roger Meyers Jr.: Oh, great. Why don't you write it down and mail it to last week, when I might have cared!
147. - A Fish Called Selma
- The Planet of the Apes (1968) musical.Troy (as Taylor): (singing) What's wrong with me?
Dr. Zaius: I think you're crazy.
Taylor: I want a second opinion!
Dr. Zaius: You're also lazy.
- There is a Deleted Scene set during Troy's bachelor party (which appeared in some TV promos and is available on a Deleted Scene reel on the season seven DVD set), where Homer protests over showing a film about nudists because it doesn't have "adult themes and situations."
- Troy's completely nonchalant response to this question:Selma: Is this a sham marriage?
Troy: Sure, baby, is that a problemo?
- At the bachelor party, Troy tells Homer a dark secret. The next day, Homer's at the wedding, and as Reverend Lovejoy asks for anyone to give reason why Troy and Selma can't be married, it zooms in on Homer...Homer's inner monologue: (to the tune of Rock and Roll Part 2) DAH DAH DAH-DAH DAH! Dah nah nah!
148. - Bart on the Road
- Bart puts the rental car on cruise control, only to promptly wind up driving through a corn field.
- Milhouse messes with the radio and Nelson hurts him.Milhouse: (plays around with radio) Bart! Nelson hit me!
Bart: He sure did.
- Bart, Milhouse and Nelson use a fake I.D. to see Naked Lunch. Nelson sums it up perfectly:
- Bart describes Branson, Missouri.Bart: My dad says it's like Vegas... if it were run by Ned Flanders.
- Nelson insists upon seeing Andy Williams perform, and sits in awe as everyone is bored.Nelson: I didn't think he was gonna do "Moon River", but then, bam! Second encore!
- Homer's prank call to Moe.Homer: Hello, I'd like to meet with a Mr. Snotball. First name, Ura.
Moe: Ura Snotball?
Homer: What? How dare you! If I find out who this is, I'll staple a flag to your butt and mail you to Iran!
- Martin spends his last $10 on an Al Gore doll.Al Gore doll: You are hearing me talk.
- Lisa has to explain Bart's plight to Homer.Lisa: (rapidly) Bart rented a car with a phony driver's license and drove Martin, Milhouse, and Nelson to a wig outlet in Knoxville and their car got crushed and they're out of money and they can't come back home and Bart's working as a courier and he just got back from Hong Kong!
Homer: (face reddens and returns to normal; in an eerily calm tone) Yes, that's a real pickle. Could you excuse me for a moment?
(Homer puts on a radiation suit and rages incomprehensibly for a few seconds, with the helmet fogging up. He then returns to Lisa)
Homer: (calm again) Okay. I have thought this through. I will send Bart the money to fly home. Then I will murder him.
Lisa: No, no! Then he'll know I told!
- Marge answers a few different phone calls in the bedroom before the credits roll.(phone rings)
Marge: Hello? Oh, hello, Principal Skinner. No, Bart has never been to Hong Kong. Good night.
(phone rings again)
Marge: Hello? Tennessee State Police?! No, my son's car was not crushed in Knoxville! I don't know where to begin telling you what's wrong with that. Good night.
(phone rings a third time)
Marge: Hello? No. Bart is not available tomorrow to deliver a human kidney to Amsterdam. (slams phone down; Homer snickers) Homer, are you laughing at me?
- Patty and Selma explain their job to Bart.Patty: Some days, we don't let the line move at all.
Selma: We call those weekdays.
Patty: Good one.
- Homer sabotaging his console in order to help Bart get home (helped by the technician's panicked reaction):Technician: Uh, Springfield, my computer shows your T-437 is functioning perfectly.
(Homer, without a word or change in expression, picks up a can of soda and starts pouring it over the console)
Technician: I suggest yo- (the console starts sparking dangerously) Oh, my God! Oh, God no! Oh, this can't be happening! Thi- you're operating without a T-437, Springfield! Oh, sweet mother of mercy! I mean - I mean, my God!
- And as the man panics, Homer gathers some run-off from the can, and flicks it over the console.
- The gang pass a car with three children arguing in the back seat:Father: If you kids can't keep your hands to yourself, I'm going to turn this car around and there will be no Cape Canaveral for anybody!
(The children stop arguing; however, Nelson leans out of Bart's car and slaps the back of the other driver)
Father: That's it! Back to Winnipeg!
(Does a u-turn and starts driving back to Winnipeg.)
149. - 22 Short Films About Springfield
- Dr. Nick is called to help out Grampa Abe with a medical problem.Dr. Nick: Hi, everybody! Now, tell Dr. Nick where is the trouble.
Abe: I'm itchy! I've got ants in my pants! I'm discombobulated! Give me a calmative!
Dr. Nick: Slow down, sir! You're going to give yourself skin failure!
- "That monkey is going to pay."
- Lisa gets chewing gum in her hair, and after Marge's...less than stellar ideas of using various food pastes, she then asks Lisa to go outside to let the sunlight melt the chewing gum. Cue a mass of bees suddenly swarming at Lisa's head.
- Superintendent Chalmers visits Principal Seymour Skinner for lunch. A magnificent skit where Skinner has to metaphorically tap dance on an avalanche of lies to prevent Chalmers from finding out that Skinner ruined the meal.
- Apparently, Skinner's such a bad cook that he doesn't just overcook the roast into an inedible charred hunk, it spontaneously catches fire.Seymour: Oh egads! My roast is ruined!
- "Oh no, I said steamed hams! That's what I call hamburgers!"
- Chalmers: GOOD LORD, what is happening in there?! (the kitchen is on fire)
Seymour: Aurora Borealis?
Chalmers: Ah—Aurora Borealis?! At this time of year, at this time of day, in this part of the country, localized entirely within your kitchen?!
Chalmers: May I see it?
(cut to Chalmers leaving)
Agnes: Seymour! The house is on fire!
Seymour: No, mother! It's just the Northern Lights!
Chalmers: Well, Seymour, you are an odd fellow, but I must say: you steam a good ham!
(as Chalmers leaves the camera zooms out to show that the ENTIRE ground floor is now on fire)
Agnes: HEEELP! HEEEEELP!
- After Chalmers asks if he can see the aurora borealis, it looks like Skinner seriously considers saying "yes".
- In the original draft for the segment, when Skinner sees that he burned his roast, he looks in the fridge to see that he doesn't have any backup roasts.
- Apparently, Skinner's such a bad cook that he doesn't just overcook the roast into an inedible charred hunk, it spontaneously catches fire.
- The scene of Homer, Maggie and Santa's Little Helper at the newsstand.
- At Krusty Burger, Chief Wiggum, Lou, and Eddie discuss the variances between that restaurant and the major fast food chain called McDonald's.Lou: Y'know, I went to the McDonald's in, uh, Shelbyville on Friday night.
Chief Wiggum: The McWhat?
Lou: Uh, the McDonald's restaurant. I never heard of it either, but they have over 2,000 locations in this state alone.
Eddie: Hmm. Must have sprung up overnight.
Lou: You know the funniest thing though? It's the little differences.
Chief Wiggum: Example.
Lou: Well, at McDonald's you can buy a Krusty Burger with cheese, right? But they don't call it a Krusty Burger with cheese.
Chief Wiggum: Get out... well what do they call it?
Lou: A Quarter Pounder with cheese.
Chief Wiggum: A Quarter Pounder with cheese? Well I can picture the cheese, but... uh. Do they have Krusty Partially Gelatinated Non-Dairy Gum Based Beverages?
Lou: Mmm hmm, they call 'em Shakes.
Eddie: Huh, shakes. You don't know what you're gettin'.
- The very tall man Nelson Muntz laughed at forces Nelson to march down Main Street with his pants down; he drives slowly behind him.Very Tall Man: (to the crowd of people) Hey, everybody! Look at this, it's that boy who laughs at everyone. Let's laugh at him!
Very Tall Man: (to Nelson) Wave to the people! Blow them kisses!
(Nelson sobs as he waves and blows kisses to people. As Nelson is walking, he arrives at the overpass bridge Bart and Milhouse are standing on. Both of them squirt ketchup and mustard on Nelson and laugh at him)
150. - Raging Abe Simpson and His Grumbling Grandson in "The Curse of the Flying Hellfish"
- Assassination attempt #1: Fernando Vidal attempts to poison the water Grampa Abe's false teeth are kept in. It fails when Abe absent-mindedly breaks the glass and puts his alarm clock in his mouth instead.Vidal: He's more clever than he looks.
- Assassination attempt #2: Fernando Vidal, Mr. Burns, and Waylon Smithers disguise themselves as members of the Simpson family as they try once again to kill Grampa Abe for their own benefit.Nurse: Abraham Simpson, your family is here to visit you.
Abe: Hot diggity, my family's come to visit me! (runs down the hall) Wait a minute... My family never comes to vi— Whoa! (a knife flies at his head; he quickly dodges it)
Vidal: (dressed as Homer) D'oh! Not again!
Mr. Burns: (dressed as Marge] I can't take much more of your blundering numskullery.
Smithers: (enters, disguised as Bart) I'll be in the car, dudes.
- Assassination attempt #3: Fernando Vidal operates a machine gun and makes the retirement home nurse upset.Vidal: There is one more way to kill a man, but it is as intricate and precise as a well-played game of chess...
(Smash Cut to Vidal kicking in the door to the retirement home with a machine gun and starting randomly firing away)
Jasper: Was that me or was that you?
(Grampa Abe runs away screaming from the gunfire, and into next room)
Abe: Nurse! Someone's trying to kill me!
Nurse: Okay, we'll do something about that right away. Let's start by doubling your medication.
(Vidal comes through and shoots everywhere; the nurse pulls out a shotgun)
Nurse: [BANG] OUR RESIDENTS- [PUMP, BANG] ARE TRYING- [PUMP, BANG] TO NAP!
(Vidal runs away)
- The Simpson family briefly discusses where Grampa Abe is going to sleep in the house.Marge: Where are we going to put him?
Homer: Bart's room.
Lisa: Bart's room.
Marge: Bart's room.
- "Ah, Del Monte! Enjoy them, old man, for they will be your last!"
- Bart says that Grampa Abes story is gibberish. Abe shows Bart his Hellfish tattoo which is distorted by his wrinkles and Bart calls it "wrinkly gibberish".
- Mr. Burns' attitude in the flashbacks."Haven't you won the war yet?"
- The one to explain the tontine is Ox.Dur. Essentially we all sign a contract wherein the last survinin' participant gets possession of all them purdy pictures.
- At the conclusion, the US State Department abruptly turns up to return the art to the heir of their original owner: A sterotypical German eurotrash.State Department Agent: Baron Von Muntzenberger, on behalf on the US State department, I'd like to apologize fo—
Baron: Ja, ja, mach schnell mit der art things. I must return to Dance Central in Stuttgart in time to see Kraftwerk.
151. - Much Apu About Nothing
- The entire discussion about the Bear Patrol, and the rock.Homer: The Bear Patrol must be working like a charm.
Lisa: That's specious reasoning, dad.
Homer: Thanks, honey.
Lisa: By your logic, I could say this rock keeps tigers away.
Homer: Oh, yeah? How does it work?
Lisa: It doesn't work. It's just a stupid rock. (looks about) But I don't see any tigers around...
Homer: (thinks about this, then brings out a twenty dollar bill) Lisa, I wanna buy your rock!
(Lisa initially waves him off, then thinks about it, and takes the money.)
- Homer finds out that there's a five dollar tax increase to fund the bear patrol:Homer: What? This is an outrage! It's the biggest tax increase in history!
Lisa: Actually, Dad it's the smallest tax increase in history.
Homer: Let the bears pay the bear tax! I pay the Homer tax!
Lisa: That's the homeowner tax.
Homer: Well, anyway, I'm still outraged.
- Apu becomes too depressed about being deported to care that Kearney is using a fake ID to buy beer (even though "Lisa the Iconoclast" established that Kearney is well over the legal age to buy and drink alcohol without having to use a fake I.D.) and shoplifting some ice cream sandwiches (which have melted in his armpits).
- Homer helps out Apu by being his history tutor, and he doesnt do a very good job at it.Homer: (points to an American flag) Now, please identify this object.
Apu: It appears to be the flag that disappeared from the public library last year.
Homer: Correct! Now, we all know the 13 stripes are for good luck, but why does the American flag have precisely 47 stars?
Apu: It's because this particular flag is (chuckling) ridiculously out of date! (normal) The library must have purchased it during the brief period in 1912 after New Mexico became a state but before Arizona did.
Homer: Uh, partial credit.
152. - Homerpalooza
- Lisa and Bart watch Cypress Hill perform.Bart: (sniffing) What is that smell?
Lisa: It smells like Otto's jacket.
- Otto notices his shoes are talking.
- When the host of the Hullabalooza Festival tells Homer he wants him to be in the show, Homer gets an inspired look on his face. The scene cuts to Homer sitting on his bed, still looking inspired as he talks to a frustrated Marge. He then tells her he feels he doesn't have a choice whether or not to join the show. This exchange occurs:Marge: Well, of course you have a choice. You don't have to do it just because the opportunity came along.
Homer: Marge, in a lot of ways, you and I are very different people.
- Backstage at the Hullabalooza Festival, another music group shows up.Roadie: May I have your attention please! Who here ordered the London Symphony Orchestra? I repeat, someone here ordered the London Symphony Orchestra! Possibly while high! Cypress Hill, I'm looking in your direction.(the band members confer in whispers]
B-Real: Uh yeah, I think we did....um, do you guys know 'Insane in the Membrane'?
Violinist: We mainly play classical, but I suppose we could give it a shot.
(Cypress Hill begin to perform 'Insane in the Membrane' with the orchestra backing)
- Peter Frampton can't catch a break at any point in the episode.Roadie: Oh, boy, there goes Peter Frampton's big finale. He's gonna be pissed.Peter: You're bloody right I'm going to be pissed! I bought that pig from Pink Floyd's yard sale!
- Later, performing in Springfield:
- Just before Homer's final performance, we see two members of the crowd.Gen X kid: Here comes that cannonball guy. He's cool.
Other Gen X-er: ... are you being sarcastic, dude?
Gen X kid: (mournfully) I don't even known anymore.
- Homer and Marge are frustrated that they can't be and don't understand what it means to be cool.Homer: Wait Marge. Maybe if you're cool, you don't need to be told you're cool.
Bart: Of course you do.
Lisa: How else would you know?
- Homer meets Billy Corgan:Billy Corgan: Billy Corgan, Smashing Pumpkins.Homer: Homer Simpson, smiling politely.
- The Smashing Pumpkins perform "Zero" with the crowd mindlessly swaying along.Lisa: It may be bleak, but this music is really getting to the crowd.Bart: Eh, making teenagers depressed is like shooting fish in a barrel.
- The entire flashback about "It":(a young Homer and Barney are rocking out in Homer's bedroom. Abe comes in)
Abe: What the hell are you two doing?
Barney: It's called "rocking out".
Homer: You wouldn't understand, dad. You're not "with it".
Abe: I used to be with "it". Then they changed what "it" was. Now, what I'm with isn't "it", and what's "it" seems weird and scary to me. And it'll happen to yoooooouuuu!
153. - Summer of 4 Ft. 2
- Milhouse imitates several different kinds of sprinklers, which agitates Bart.
- The school bell rings.Milhouse: SCHOOL'S OUT! UP YOURS, KRABAPPEL! (Milhouse then runs out of the classroom)
Edna: I'm glad the rest of you remembered that summer doesn't start until end of the day, (points to a clock that reads 9:00 A.M.) not at the beginning.
- Bart takes Milhouse with him on the familys vacation to the Flanders beach house, but Milhouse has to sit in a baby seat.
- Homer uses a welcome mat as makeshift underwear — and is caught by the cops the instant he steps outside.
- While the family is playing the "Mystery Date" game in the Flanders' beach house, Bart's MD is a Milhouse doppelganger. Homer notices the similarity of the "dud" character and finds this so funny he smiles in slow motion, before rubbing it in Milhouse's face.Homer: Hey! He looks just like you, poindexter! (laughs)
- Homer's attempt to act casual when buying illegal fireworks.Homer: Let me have one of those porno magazines, large box of condoms, bottle of Old Harper, couple of those panty shields, andsomeillegalfireworks, AND one of those disposable enemas, nah make it two.
- Marge sees the non-firework stuff he bought.
- Homer lights the fuse for the M-320 firework using the propane stove. Part of the fuse falls off, causing Homer to say "Doh!". He inadvertently sticks the explosive in the refrigerator, but quickly remembers that his beer supply is in there. So he hurriedly takes it out while the fuse is still lit, throws it in the dishwasher, closes the door, and it explodes. Immediately, the effects of the M-320 cause a disgusting flood of dead fish and oily-looking water. Homer whistles and walks away as it happens. In the next scene, Marge is seen using a mop to clean the mess.
- Bart uses Milhouse's glasses as binoculars and doesn't give them back. Milhouse sees a horseshoe crab and, believing it to be a dog, affectionately pats it. The clincher? The horseshoe crab wags its tail when he does this!
- Bart and Lisa try to spit on each other while riding the round-up, but it changes direction which causes the spit to hit Milhouse in the face.
- Homer gives possibly the greatest Goshdang It To Heck ever over Lisa's beach friends' "gift" to her.Homer: SWEET MERCIFUL CRAP! MY CAR!note
154 - Treehouse of Horror VII
- Homer is lighting a jack o' lantern, but he accidentally catches his hand on fire, then his whole body, and he starts running around screaming.
A - "The Thing and I"
- Lisa suggesting Radio Shack as a possible place that Hugo may be hiding.
- Note that this is after everyone declares they're going to search every place a "sick, twisted solitary individual might hide".
- Hugo doesn't have the best grasp of how biology works, wanting to rejoin with Bart.Bart: But you'll kill both of us!
Hugo: No, it's easy. I've been practicing. Look, I made a pigeon-rat.
(he unveils his "creation", a rat sewed to a pigeon, which tries to fly away then crawl into a hole, only to fail because of its size)
B - "The Genesis Tub"
- The waffles scene:Lisa: Hey, wait a second. These aren't waffles, these are square pancakes!
- Tub Frink scoffing at enlarging Lisa.Lisa: Can't you just un-shrink me?
Frink: Un-shrink you? Why, that would require some kind of re-bigulator, which is a concept so ridiculous it makes me laugh out loud with the chortling and such. (notices Lisa glowering at him) But not at you, o holiest of gods, with the blood rain and the vengeance and the "hey-hey-hey, it hurts me".
C - "Citizen Kang":
- Everything about Kang and Kodos, frankly. But especially their means of making sure no-one will believe Homer.Homer: Oh my god! Nude aliens! Bioduplication! Lyndon Larouche was right!
Kodos: What? Are you still here? (moves towards an ominous button) I'm afraid we'll have to dispose of you...
(Kodos presses the button, causing a massive cannon-like object to unfurl from the ceiling, which then unfurls into a smaller one as it gets closer to Homer; it then starts spraying him with a brown liquid)
Homer: No, no, what are you spraying me with?
Kang: Rum! So no-one will believe your story!
(the wall behind Homer opens up, and Kang kicks him out)
Kang: And don't come back!
- How Homer stumbles upon the spaceship: He's walking by the lake, muttering to himself, and tries kicking a bush. He hurts his foot, and starts tearing the bush apart. Then he notices the alien spaceship parked right on top of it.
- After being abducted, Homer assumes Kang and Kodos want to probe him.Homer: (as he starts removing his pants) Might as well get this over with.
(Kang and Kodos recoil in horror)
Kang: STOP! We have reached the limits of what rectal probing can teach us!
- The alien Kodos disguised as President Bill Clinton:Kodos: My fellow Americans. As a young boy, I dreamed of being a baseball, but tonight I say, we must move forward, not backward, upward not forward, and always twirling, twirling, twirling towards freedom.
- Marge watches a newscast about the election:Kent Brockman: Kent Brockman here, with Campaign '96: America Flips A Coin. At an appearance this morning, Bill Clinton made some rather cryptic remarks, which aides attributed to an overly tight necktie.
Kodos: I am Clin-ton! As overlord, all will kneel trembling before me and obey my brutal commands. (crosses arms over chest) End communication.
Marge: Hmm, that's Slick Willie for you, always with the smooth talk.
- Kang's political speech when disguised as Bob Dole:Kang: Abortions for all!
Kang: Very well, no abortions for anyone.
Kang: Hmm... Abortions for some, miniature American flags for others!
Crowd: Yaaaaaaay! (waves miniature flags)
- During the campaign trail, Kent interviews Kang.Kent: Senator Dole, why should people vote for you, instead of President Clinton?
Kang: It makes no matter which one of us you vote for! Either way your planet is doomed! DOOMED!
Kent: A refreshingly frank remark there from Bob Dole.
- Kang and Kodos' comments at an interview:Kang: The politics of failure have failed. We need to make them work again! Tomorrow, when you are sealed in the voting cubicle, vote for me, Senator Ka-, Bob Dole!Kodos: I look forward to an orderly election tomorrow, which will eliminate the need for a violent bloodbath.
- Kang and Kodos in disguise as Bob Dole and Bill Clinton are walking down the street exchanging protein strands by holding hands. Everyone's reaction to this is hilarious.
- After being revealed as aliens, Kang and Kodos stop the Fridge Logic that would occur from just voting a third-party candidate:Kodos: It's true, we are aliens. But what are you going to do about it? It's a two-party system. You have to vote for one of us.
Man 1: He's right, this is a two-party system.
Man 2: Well, I believe I'll vote for a third-party candidate.
Kang: Go ahead! THROW YOUR VOTE AWAY! (laughs)
(Ross Perot scowls and furiously punches a hole in his "Perot '96" hat)
- Later, when everybody on Earth is forced into slavery under Kang's control of power.Homer: Don't blame me, I voted for Kodos! (gets whipped)
155 - You Only Move Twice
- As Homer and Marge are trying to sell their house in order to move to Cypress Creek:Apu: Hello. I am not interested in buying your house, but I would like to use your restroom, flip through your magazines and rearrange your carefully shelved items. Ha! Now you know how it feels!
Homer: Thank you, come again!
- Anything Hank Scorpio says or does:
- Hank introduces himself to the family at their new house.Marge: Mr. Scorpio, this house is almost too good for us. I keep expecting to get the bum's rush.
Hank: We don't have bums in our town, Marge, and if we did they wouldn't rush; they'd be allowed to go at their own pace.
- Homer leaning about his new job from Hank.Hank: The key to motivation is trust. Let me show you what I mean. I want you to close your eyes and fall backwards, and I'll catch you. That's gonna show you what trust is all about. Ready?
Hank: Three... Two... (phone rings) One second... (he answers it) Hello?
(Homer falls backwards and says "D'oh)
Hank: Oh, my God, there a guy on the floor. (helps Homer up) Uh, that was a phone call; don't chalk that up to mistrust, now.
- Hank telling Homer where to buy hammocks, which was a Throw It In! on Al Brooks' part, which is why Dan Castellaneta, and by extension Homer, can barely keep up.
- Hank Scorpio's brief conversation with a government spy who is cuffed to a table.James Bont: Scorpio, you're totally mad!
Hank: I wouldn't point fingers, you jerk.
Bont: Do you expect me to talk?
Hank: I don't expect anything from you except to die and be a very cheap funeral. You're gonna die now!
- Homer has to quit his job for his family and Hank Scorpio has a bizarre last request for him.Hank: But, Homer, on your way out, if you wanna kill somebody, it would help me a lot. (grabs flamethrower, starts attacking soldiers with it while laughing) Hey Homer, you're missing out on some fun!
- ...And he actually does, by dejectedly kicking a grenade that was tossed his way back to the thrower. He was moping so much he didn't even notice.
- Hank introduces himself to the family at their new house.
- Hank Scorpio versus the U.N.Hank: Good afternoon, gentlemen. This is Scorpio. I have the doomsday device. You have seventy-two hours to deliver the gold. And to prove I'm not bluffing, watch this!
(Hank presses on a remote. In the background of the U.N.'s screen, something blows up)
British representative: Oh my god, the 49th Street Bridge!
India representative: Maybe it just collapsed on its own?
British rep: We can't take that chance!
India rep: You always say that! I want to take a chance!
- Homer asking Hank for some sugar. Hank has some and gives him some from his pocket. Apologizing that he did not have any in packets.Hank: Do you want any cream?
(Homer look at the pile of sugar Hank has just placed into his hands from his pockets)
Homer: Uh ye- no.
156 - The Homer They Fall
- When Homer agrees to box:Marge: Homer, of all the crazy ideas you've had, this one ranks somewhere in the middle. You don't know how to box, you're 38 years old, and you haven't gotten any exercise since grade school. Before you even consider this, I insist you consult a doctor.
Homer: No problemo.
(Homer kisses Marge on the cheek and walks off)
Marge: (yelling) A competent doctor!
Homer: (off-screen) D'oh!
- And then when Dr. Hibbert gives him the okay:Dr. Hibbert: Why, I could hit you all day with this surgical two-by-four without ever knocking you down. (looks at his watch) But, I have other appointments.
- And then when Dr. Hibbert gives him the okay:
- Drederick Tatum managing to stop a prison riot is awesome, but also funny thanks to how he stops it.(It's nighttime at Springfield's prison. Drederick is sitting in his cell eating dinner, as a riot unfolds around him.)
Drederick: Hey, guys, c'mon. Shut up.
(the prison siren promptly stops, the guards and inmates stop fighting, and meekly back away)
Guard: (whispering) Sorry, champ.
Prisoner: (whispering) It was Jerry.
- Marge calls for someone to stop the fight, to no success:Marge: Where's the doctor?
(pan down to the ringside, where Dr. Nick is the attending doctor... and baying for Homer's blood along with the rest of the crowd)
Dr. Nick: Kill him! Kill him!
- When Moe rescues Homer, who's about to be knocked out in the ring:Announcer: Oh, my God! Simpson's manager has flown into the ring and is airlifting him out! (heartwarming tone) Ladies and gentlemen... whatever dignity remained in boxing is literally flying out the window!
- A concussed Homer can't remember who Moe is:Homer: (slurring) Are you an angel?
Moe: Yes, Homer, I'm an angel. All us angels wear Farrah slacks.
- As Homer asks whether everyone will be mad about Moe's interrupting the match, Moe declares he doesn't care, since he helped a friend. And then Homer bangs his head on a girder.
- After being chastised by Lucius Sweet, Moe declares he doesn't need the man's money. He proceeds to fold up his check carefully.
- The Fan Man chasing after Moe (who stole his fan so he can rescue Homer from being beaten up by Drederick Tatum.
- Moe tests Homer's punching power...with unimpressive results:Moe: (holding up two punching pads) Alright Homer, let's see the left.
(a fly lands on the punching pad, Homer punches, and when he draws his glove back, the fly buzzes away unharmed)
Moe: Ohh....'kay. Let's see the right.
Homer: (exhausted) Just a second.
157 - Burns, Baby Burns
- The opening has the Simpsons visiting a cider mill, and an incredible moment of sarcasm from Homer.
- A lot of Larry Burns' lines (no surprise, since Rodney Dangerfield voiced him)
- "A bloody end for Homer Simpson... is just one of several possible outcomes according to our computer simulation!"
- "Here's how it would look if the police killed him with a barrage of baseballs."
- "Oooowwww, stop it!"
- "Here's how it would look if the police killed him with a barrage of baseballs."
- On finding Homer and Larry have faked the kidnapping, Marge tells Homer to take Larry back, despite his objections.Homer: But Marge, it's broad daylight and there are cops everywhere.
Marge: No "buts"! Just do it!
(Homer and Larry walk off outside)
Kent: (on TV) And we're ju— (notices Homer and Larry) There they are, Burns and the kidnapper!
(Homer sees the news copter and flees)
Kent: Appearing in broad daylight and with police everywhere, ladies and gentlemen there is only one word for that: Idiocy.
- Homer's brain literally walking out on him while Ned describes cider to him.
- "Yale could use an international airport, Mr. Burns."
158 - Bart After Dark
- Bart's victory chant before falling off the roof of the house ("S-U-C-C-E-E-S. That's the way you spell success!")
- Homer watching TV:TV Announcer: It's eleven o'clock. Do you know where your children are?
Homer: I told you last night, no! (beat) Where is Bart, anyway? His dinner's getting all cold and eaten.
- Homer Simpson's using a grocery bag as pants since he can't find them.
- The first day of Bart's job at the La Maison Derrière. Abe Simpson is whistling casually, walking into the place and walking back out once he sees Bart. He then opens the door again leading to this conversation:Abe: Is your name "Bart"?
Abe: What the—?! Does your father know you're working here?!
Bart: It was his idea.
Abe: In that case, I'll have a whiskey sour.
- In fact, a majority of the guys (and possibly a few girls like Patty) in Springfield visit there when Marge has a meeting and shows the slides of the 'local' visitors. A brick joke is that Chief Wiggum is shown twice and no one seems to know the local drunk, Barney.
- Principal Skinner encounters Bart at the Burlesque House.Seymour: Oh, I hope I didn't miss the floor show.
Seymour: Is Roxanne back?
Seymour: Did she, uh, get my flowers?
Bart: She did.
Seymour: (turns around to see him) Oh. Uh, hello, Bart.
Bart: Hello, Principal Skinner.
Seymour: This is the National Air and Space Museum, isn't it?
- Reverend Lovejoy and Ned Flanders visit Homer about Bart.Rev. Lovejoy: Your son has been working in a burlesque house.
Helen: Principal Skinner saw him with his own eyes.
Seymour: (comes out behind Rev. Lovejoy) That's true, but I was only in there to get directions on how to get away from there.
- Homer telling off the concerned townsfolk.Homer: Well, if Homer Simpsons wants his 10-year-old son working in a burlesque house, then Homer Simpson's 10-year-old son is working in a burlesque house! That's—!
(the people disperse to reveal an angry Marge glaring at him)
Homer: (nervously laughs) Hi! Now, Marge, you're gonna hear a lot of crazy talk about Bart working in a burlesque house.
- When Marge confronts Belle:Belle: I think I know what Springfield wants, sugar.
Marge: Oh? I've lived in this town for 37 years.
Belle: I've lived here 52 years.
Marge: Well I'm third generation.
Marge: ...Get out of my town!
- After Marge realizes that no-one wants to tear down the burlesque house thanks to a song, she tries to sing a song of her own, but accidentally hits the lever of the bulldozer and tears down part of the house. Cut to everyone's Death Glare at her.
- When Belle drags Bart back to the Simpson's house to tell Homer, this happens:Belle: Your son was trespassing on my property, and destroyed a very valuable stone gargoyle a—... are you wearing a grocery bag?
Homer: (matter-of-factly) I have misplaced my pants.
- Marge and Lisa travel to Baby Seal Beach to help with the clean-up effort, only to find the celebrities have already been allotted all the animals. What is there for them to do?Organiser: Well there are rocks. Thousands and thousands of rocks.
(cut to Marge and Lisa scrubbing rocks with a toothbrush)
Marge: I've got rocks that need washing at home...
- After a few days of cleaning rocks, even Lisa gets fed up.Marge: We made a commitment, and we have to see it through, no matter how unpleasant.
Organiser: Quitting time! Scrub up and head to the communal park. We're having kelp burgers, and we're gonna watch a tape of Johnny Arvik. He's the Eskimo comedian.
(Marge and Lisa look at one another; cut to them in the car, driving away)
Lisa: Faster, mom, faster!
- The Memetic Mutation of Grandpa Simpson whistling as he walks into La Maison Deriere, hanging up his hat, spotting Bart and turning round on his heel, collecting his hat as he leaves.
- Homer getting the Springfieldians to stop destroying the burlesque.Homer: My friends! Stop! (the crowd stops and pays attention to Homer) Sure, we could tear this house down (the mob cheers and resumes destroying the house) NO! My friends, stop! (the crowd stops again) Let me finish! We could tear it down, but we'd be tearing down a part of ourselves.
- The Crowd Song, "We Put the Spring in Springfield", has several of these:
- Reverend Lovejoy's elderly father is revealed to be a regular of the Maison Derrière.
- Mayor Quimby's wife acts shocked and appalled at his activities in the burlesque house, only for him to point out that she used to work there.
- Jimbo, Dolph and Kearney showing up late to the burlesque house and singing "We just heard this place existed!" in harmony.
- "We're the highlights in your hairdo!" "The extra arms on Vishnu!"
- After Marge accidentally destroys part of the burlesque with her bulldozer while attempting a counter song (as she missed the "We Put the Spring in Springfield" song and the crowd can't sing it again due to it being one of those spur of the moment type things), Bart decides to hire his mom as a ventriloquist with Twiggy, a doll that looks a lot like Marge.Marge: So, Twiggy, I hear you and your husband Woody just had a baby. What did you name him?
Homer: Take it off!
Bart: Alright, dad, you've been warned, let's go. (kicks Homer out)
159 - A Milhouse Divided
- The episode opens with the family eating dinner in front of the TV, and it seems evenings at home in the Simpson house have stagnated:Homer: [licking his plate clean, so that it covers his face] Marge, can't we get some clear plates? I can't see the TV!
Marge: Is it really necessary to watch TV while we're eating? We're getting food all over!
[as if to illustrate Marge's point, a meatball falls off her fork onto the floor. Maggie, Santa's Little Helper, and Snowball II all eye it hungrily, and are just gearing up to fight over it when Homer spears it with his fork]
Homer: Yoink! [eats the meatball]
Bart: If you really wanted us to be neater, you'd serve us out of one long bowl.
Marge: You're talking about a trough. We're not going to eat from a trough! And another thing, it's only 5:15! Why are you in your underwear?
Bart: [revealed, in a wider shot, to be lying on his stomach on the floor in just his underwear] Hey, this ain't the Ritz!
Marge: [trademark groan] At least let's have a civilised conversation, shall we? Lisa, how was school?
Lisa: [paying more attention to the TV than to Marge] How was what, what?
Marge: School, school!
Lisa: [still distracted] It's not time for school.
Marge: I know it's not time for- [groans again] I'm going into the dining room to have a conversation. Anyone who wants to join me is welcome. [picks up her plate and glass and heads into the dining room; from off-screen] "Hello Marge, how's the family?" "I don't want to talk about it! Mind your own business!"
Homer: Keep it down in there, everybody!
- Determined to restore some class to their existence, Marge insists on throwing a dinner party, and the Simpsons go to Stoner's Pot Palace, a kitchenware store, to buy some accessories. As they arrive, Otto storms out, grumbling, "Man, that is flagrant false advertising!"
- As Lisa tests a manual citrus juicer, Bart directs her attention to a gigantic wok:Bart: Hey Lis, check this out: non-stick coating! [he drops Maggie into the wok; as her older siblings watch, she slides down and then up the other side into the air, then back down and up the near side again like a skateboarder in a half-pipe]
- Homer laughing at Kirk (Milhouse's dad) after finding his messed up demo tape, "Can I Borrow a Feeling?"
- Kirk getting his car stolen by Starla.
- Bart hitting Homer with a chair (after seeing Luann's new boyfriend withstand a chair hit) while Homer is enjoying a nice bath. What makes it funny is that Homer's reaction is layered: First, it's the scream of absolute pain. And then he looks over, sees Bart, and then he makes an almost annoyed scream of pain as he puts two and two together, before (quite understandably) yelling "What the hell is wrong with you?"
- A subtle one: Kirk mentions that Starla works as a temp for a radio station called KZOG Radio 530 and is going to help him launch his singing career by playing his demo tape. Radio stations with the call number 530 are used for traffic broadcasts, and wouldn't air music in the first place, making Kirk stupider for believing in his skank girlfriend.
- Milhouse's dad trying to win back Luann by singing to her at Homer and Marge's remarriage — only to get shot down.
- Marge hiding the plate of Allied Biscuits after Luann mentions that Kirk's cracker factory plunged to sixth place with Table Time and Allied Biscuit.
- When Luann can't recognize Kirk's drawing of dignity, he tells her to do better. She draws something quick (that we can't see), and everyone instantly agrees that it's a perfect representation of dignity.
- Homer mentioning the comic strip premise of "Love Is..." ("It's about two naked eight-year-olds who are married...")
- The conversation of Kirk getting fired at the cracker factory:Kirk: You're letting me go?!
Manager: Kirk, crackers are a family food — happy families. Maybe single people eat crackers, we don't know. Frankly, we don't want to know. It's a market we can do without.
Kirk: So that's it, after twenty years, "So long, good luck"?
Manager: I don't recall saying "good luck".
- When Homer goes to the courthouse:Homer: I'd like to file for... divorce.
(dramatic sting as the camera zooms in on his sad face)
Clerk: (indifferent) These things happen. Eight dollars.
- Kirk tries to impress Homer with his bachelor pad:Kirk: I sleep in a racing car; do you?
Homer: I sleep in a big bed with my wife.
Kirk: (crestfallen) Oh, yeah...
160 - Lisa's Date with Density
- During Band Class:Crowd: Lisa likes Nelson!
Milhouse: She does not!
Crowd: Milhouse likes Lisa!
Janey: He does not!
Crowd: Janey likes Milhouse!
Uter: She does not!
Crowd: Uter likes Milhouse!
Mr. Largo: NOBODY LIKES MILHOUSE!
- Skinner trying to get the students to return the H from Superintendent Chalmers' car:Oh, you think this stolen "H" is a laugh riot, don't you? Well, I'll tell you something that's not so funny. Right now, Superintendent Chalmers is at home crying like a little girl. (Students laugh) Well, I guess it is a little funny.
- Later, Lisa gets Milhouse to pass a love note to Nelson. Nelson reads note, then looks over at Milhouse, who waves at him. Next thing you know a badly beaten Milhouse is on a stretcher, being loaded into an ambulance. When Lisa tries to apologize to him the paramedic tells her "He can't hear you now. We had to pack his ears with gauze."
- Nelson helps Willie clean up the grounds as part of his detention:Nelson: (holding a buzzing hornet's nest on a rake) Hey Willie, catch the football! (flings the hornet's nest at Willie)
Willie: All right, I'll-AAAAYAAAHAAAAAHAAHAHA!!!
- Nelson's Joy to the World song.
- Homer's telemarketing message keeps calling the Flanders house well-into the night. Ned keeps answering the phone, which annoys Maude to no end.Maude: That is it, Ned! If you don't unplug that phone right now, you're sleeping on the lawn!
Homer: (leaning outside his bedroom window) WILL YOU TWO SHUT UP! PEOPLE ARE TRYIN' TO SLEEP!
- "Ned, did you plug that phone back in?" "Shut up!"
- The bullies play a prank on Skinner by mooning his house, and inadvertently get his mother as well.Skinner: Listen, you crumbums, if you think I'm impressed, I am not. I - ohh, brandishing your buttocks is only getting me angrier!
Agnes: I wanna see what's going on!
Skinner: No, Mother, don't look out the window!
161 - Hurricane Neddy
- Flanders verbally attacking everyone after his house collapses and his attempts to keep calm fall through.Ned: As for YOU [Lenny], I don't know who you are, but I'm sure you're a jerk!
Lenny: Hey, I've only been here a few minutes. What's going on?
Ned: (to Moe) You ugly, hate-filled man!
Moe: Hey, hey! I may be ugly and hate-filled, but I've— Um... What was that third thing you said?
Ned: (to Homer, with as much cold contempt as possible) Homer... You're the worst human being I've ever met.
Homer: (relieved) Hey, I got off pretty easy.
- Ned arrives at Calmwood Mental Hospital, driving straight through the front gates. And as he checks in:Ned: I just attacked all my friends and neighbors just for trying to help me. I'd like to commit myself.
Nurse: Very well. Shall I show you to your room, or would you prefer to be dragged off kicking and screaming?
Ned: Ooh, kicking and screaming, please.
Nurse: As you wish.
(two orderlies grab Ned and drag him away)
- A therapist, Dr. Foster tries to get Ned Flanders to express his repressed anger, so he makes Homer read insults to Ned from cue cards. The window separating the two guys rolls down.Homer: Ned Flanders, I mock your value system. You also appear foolish in the eyes of others.
Ned: Well howdy, Homer! (partition slides up) Thanks for dropping by!
Dr. Foster: Hmm. He's not responding. Proceed to level 2 antagonism. (partition slides down)
Homer: Past instances in which I professed to like you were fraudulent.
Ned: Oh, well, I'll just have to try harder. (partition slides up) Thanks for dropping by!
Dr. Foster: Ah, he's still repressing. Maximum hostility factor. (partition slides down)
Homer: I engaged in intercourse with your spouse or significant other. (to Dr. Foster) Now that's psychiatry!
- Ned's parents plea for help with their son: "You gotta help us, doc! We tried nothing and we're all outta ideas!"
- During the hurricane, the wind blows into The Springfield Harmonica Store and an upbeat melody plays inside. Pan over to Ye Old Harpsichord Shoppe where the harpsichords emit mournful noises as they fly out the windows.
- Marge tries to solve a Rubik's cube and gives up when the family shouts too many suggestions.Marge: Now I remember why I put this down here in the first place!
- "THE HURRI-CAAAAAANE..."
162 - El Viaje Misterioso de Nuestro Jomer (The Mysterious Voyage of [Our] Homer)
- Marge reminds Homer that the last time he went to a chilli cook-off, he got drunk and made a fool of himself. Homer's response pretty much sums up his entire life:Homer: Oh, Marge! Everything looks bad if you remember it!
- Homer, the Legendary Chili Taster:
- Homer takes out a wooden spoon from a leather pouch he is carrying around his neck, everyone around him gasps and whispers in awe at the sight:Lenny: (whispering to Carl) They say he carved it himself... From a bigger spoon.
- Homer picks out his first target. Ned Flanders' "Five Alarm Chili" stand:Homer: "Five Alarm Chili", eh?
(Homer takes a spoonfull and tastes it)
Homer: Mmm... One... Two... Heeeey! What's the big idea!?
Ned: Ooooooh! I admit it! It's only two alarm! Two-and-a-half, tops. I just wanted to be a big man in front of the kids! (buries his face in his arm and sobs)
Todd: (geniunely worried) Daddy? Are you going to jail?
Ned: We'll see, son... We'll see...
- Homer takes out a wooden spoon from a leather pouch he is carrying around his neck, everyone around him gasps and whispers in awe at the sight:
- After getting scared away from Chief Wiggum's Guatemalan Insanity Pepper chili booth, Homer comes back after coating his mouth with candle wax to numb the pain, allowing him to take several of the peppers and swallow them whole. After showing off for the crowd, he gives his evaluation of the chief's chili to raucous laughter and applause:Mayor Quimby: Good lord! This can't be happening!
Dr. Hibbert: By all medical logic, steam should be shooting out of his ears.
Krusty: His ears if we're lucky!
Homer: [tosses one final pepper into his mouth, swallows it, and bows to the crowd as Wiggum gapes in amazement] Well, Chief...don't quit your day job! [laughs] Whatever that is...
- But Homer's consumption of the Guatemalan Insanity Peppers comes at a heavy price with one of the most hysterically funny Mushroom Sambas ever animated...Homer: Heh heh... my finest hour! [suddenly sorrowful] And Marge wasn't even here to see it.
[Homer's stomach starts vibrating and making a whooshing noise]
Homer: Oooh... I don't feel so good... [he staggers through the midway, holding his stomach and groaning, before grabbing Flanders by the shoulders] Flanders!... You gotta help me!...
Flanders: [chuckles] Well, sure buddy, I'd be happy to help out! What can I do-diddly- [his head begins distorting, his voice shifts down in pitch and speed and then up again and then down again, and dozens of copies of his moustache-topped mouth begin appearing around his face] do-diddly-doodly-diddly-diddly-hamminy-hoominy-hamminy-hoominy-gooble-gobble-gobble-gabba-gabba-HEYYYY...
[Homer gasps, screams, and runs away, falling at the feet of Jasper, Nelson, Mrs. Krabappel, and Barney, all of whom appear as distorted, sharply angular versions of their usual selves]
Jasper: Goo goo g'joob?
Nelson: [his Signature Laugh rising in pitch instead of falling] Ha-HAAA! Ha-HAAA!
Mrs. Krabappel: [trombone sounds à la the adults in the Peanuts animated specials]
Barney: [does a trademark belch that echoes long and loud]
[Homer screams again and smashes through the nearest fence, running toward the horizon]
- After fleeing the chilli cook-off, Homer finds himself in a strange desert landscape.Homer: Where am I, Shelbyville? [screams, then ducks and covers as a giant butterfly swoops down toward him, then flies off; Homer stands up again, his head distorting as though broadcast on a weak analogue signal] Oh man, this is crazy! I hope I didn't brain my damage! [his face sinks into his head and re-appears on the opposite side with a "pop"] I'd better check my pupils. [he finds a pool of water, his arms and legs swaying as if they were liquid, and looks into it; his pupils in the reflection alternately dilate and contract (not at the same time as each other), then burst as the pool suddenly turns into a giant snake which envelopes Homer, hisses at him, then slithers away] Oooookayyy... I think I'm gonna be leaving now...
- Homer walking back and forth watching the sun rise and set until it just falls and shatters.Homer: [walks toward the horizon, and notices the sun appears to rise higher in the sky the nearer he gets] Huh? [he backs up a few steps; the sun starts setting again. He moves forward and backward repeatedly, getting faster] Sunrise... sunset. Sunrise... sunset! Sunrise, sunset! Sunrise, sunset, sunrise, sunset, sunrise, sunset- [the sun shatters against the ground] AHHH! [tensely] Note to self. Stop doing anything.
- The entire bit with Homer and the tortoise.[Homer is spelling out "HELP" with rocks when he notices the top left corner of the "P" is walking away]
Homer: [pointing at the departing rock] Hey! Buddy! Get back there with the other rocks! [he runs after it, only for the rock to emerge from the sand, revealing that it is...] Huh? A tortoise? [as the tortoise crawls across the sand, a message appears where it has been] "Follow... the..." [gasps] This must be why I'm here! [falls onto his hands and knees] Follow the what, follow the what!? Hurry up! [the message is revealed as "FOLLOW THE TORTOISE"] D'OH! [the word "D'OH!" rises as a cloud of dust from the ground; the tortoise crawls slowly away from Homer, who starts pushing it] Get - moving - you - stupid- [he pushes it with his foot] When I'm kicking you that means "Hurry up!" [the tortoise stops] C'mon! [he kicks the tortoise's back end twice, then a third time with such force that it goes flying over the horizon] Yah! [he runs in the direction the tortoise flew, his strides becoming longer and longer, until finally he arrives at a small Mayan-style pyramid; the tortoise is waiting for him and nods toward it] Oh, you want me to climb that, huh? No problemo! [he lifts his leg to climb the first step when the pyramid shoots out of the ground, becoming fifty times taller] Ohhhh! [grumbling] This is because I kicked you, isn't it? [the tortoise smirks and nods]
- Homer meets his spirit guide, a coyote voiced by Johnny Cash:Homer: [after watching a faceless mannequin of Marge dissolve into dust in a gust of wind] Ohhh! [sits on the edge of the pyramid] I HATE THIS PLACE! WHY AM I HERE?!
Voice: You are on a quest for knowledge.
Homer: [startled] Who said that??
[the Moon swivels around to reveal an eye, and a Saturn-like planet appears next to it and opens to reveal another eye, around which the smiling face of a coyote materialises; the coyote then de-materialises into swirls, which re-materialise next to Homer]
Space Coyote: Fear not, Homer. I am your spirit guide.
Homer: [smiles and waves politely] Hiya.
Space Coyote: There is a lesson you must learn.
Homer: If it's about layin' off the insanity peppers, I'm way ahead of ya!
Space Coyote: No. I speak of a deeper wisdom. The problem, Homer, is that the mind is always chattering away, with a thousand thoughts at once.
Homer: Yeah, that's me all right. [he stares vacantly into the distance; we hear wind blowing across an empty landscape]
Space Coyote: Clarity is the path to inner peace.
Homer: Well, what should I do? Should I meditate? Should I get rid of all my possessions?
Space Coyote: [snorts derisively] Are you kidding?! [chuckles] If anything you should get more possessions! You don't even have a computer.
- When Homer is pondering about his soul mate in the dream, he suddenly notices the coyote is attacking his leg.Homer: You know... I have been meaning to take a spiritual journey. And I would- [hears the coyote growling and sees him biting his leg] Wha- hey! Knock it off! [kicks him away]
Space Coyote: Sorry. [embarrassed laugh] I am a coyote.
- Homer doesn't have the presence of mind to react to the danger he's in after his spirit guide leaves and a train begins heading toward him:Homer: A ghost train! And so little time to get out of the way. Now less! Now none!
- As Homer finds ways to rationalize his journey was All Just a Dream:Homer: And that talkin' coyote was really just a talkin' dog.
Dog: Hi, Homer. Find your soulmate.
Homer: Wait a minute, there's no such thing as a talking dog!
(the dog barks)
Homer: Damn straight.
- "Find your soulmate, Homer. Find your soulmate."Homer: Where?! WHERE!
Space Coyote voice: This is just your memory. I cannot give you any new information.
- The DVD commentary for this episode now acknowledges that part as a "Funny Aneurysm" Moment. Due to Johnny Cash's death before this episode was released on DVD, the scene now plays out like Cash is talking to Homer from Heaven.
- Bart sees something outside the bathroom window.Bart: (noticing Homer's silhouette in the lighthouse light) Hey Lisa, is that dad?
Lisa: Either that or Batman really let himself go.
- Homer discovers that he was correct all along: Marge is his soulmate.Homer: IN YOUR FACE, SPACE COYOTE!
Marge: (with much confusion) Space coyote?
- The sheer fact that the ship is full of hot pants!
163 - The Springfield Files
- Leonard Nimoy's introduction:Nimoy: Hello. I'm Leonard Nimoy. The following tale of alien encounters is true. And by true, I mean false. It's all lies. But they're entertaining lies. And in the end, isn't that the real truth? The answer is no.
- Homer looking for a substitute for Duff, is given Red Tick Beer by Moe.Homer: (takes a swig) Hmm. Bold, refreshing. But something I can't quite put my finger on.
(cut to the Red Tick Beer brewery. Inside, a scientist is leaning over a vat filled with dogs, swimming around in beer. He takes a sip of the concoction.)
Scientist: Hmm, needs more dog.
- Just before his encounter with the alien, Homer comes across a giant billboard reading "DIE". He screams. A wind blows a tree aside, revealing that it said "DIET". He screams louder. As he runs away from the sign, his dad appears from behind the trees.Abe: Oh, son, I'm glad to see ya. I went for the morning paper and I got lost! And—
Homer: No time for you, old man. (he shoves his dad to the ground and continues running)
- After Homer first sees the alien who turns out to be a heavily drugged Mr. Burns:Homer: Please... Don't hurt me!
Alien: Don't be afraid.
Homer: (instantly panics) Yahhh! (runs away)
- As he runs from the alien, he manages to spell it out his scream as he runs through the tall grass, even leaping to get the exclamation mark down.
- Homer tries going to the police for help.Chief Wiggum: Well, that's a very compelling story, Mr. Jackass - I mean, Simpson. I'll just type it up on my invisible typewriter. (he begins typing on air)
Homer: You don't have to humiliate me.
(Homer walks off. A distressed, charred man carrying a lighter enters)
Man: I just torched a building downtown and I'm afraid I'll do it again!
Chief Wiggum: Oh, sure. I'll just type that up on my invisible typewriter! (he begins typing again) Fruitcake.
- "HUMAN BLIMP SEES FLYING SAUCER"Mulder: There's been another unsubstantiated UFO sighting in the heartland of America. We've gotta get there right away.
(holds up newspaper reading HUMAN BLIMP SEES FLYING SAUCER)
Scully: Well, gee, Mulder. There's also this report of a shipment of drugs and illegal weapons coming into New Jersey tonight.
Mulder: Pfft, I hardly think the FBI's concerned with matters like that.
- Also, Homer failing the lie detector test in a most explosive manner.Agent Scully: Now, we're going to run a few tests. This is a simple lie detector. I'll ask you a few yes or no questions and you just answer truthfully. Do you understand?
(the polygraph abruptly explodes upon Homer's answer being registered)
- The police line up scene featuring nothing but famous famous aliens, including Marvin The Martian, Gort, ALF, Chewbacca and Kang (or is it Kodos?) from the series proper is a neat little visual gag. And the commentary reveals they didn't bother getting the copyright for any of them, calling it the most illegal shot in animation history. Though the only complaint they got was from ALF creator Paul Fusco, who was only upset that he didn't get to do the voice.
- Scully puts Homer on a treadmill. Mulder asks what this test proves, she says it's no test, she just thought he could stand to lose a little weight. Mulder then admits that the jiggling of Homer's fat is almost hypnotic, with Scully, now staring blankly and speaking in a monotone, stating that "It's like a lava lamp."
- Homer having to recount his activities the night he met the alien.Homer: Well, the evening began at the gentlemen's club, where we were discussing Wittgenstein over a game of backgammon.
Scully: Mr. Simpson, it's a felony to lie to the FBI.
Homer: (dejectedly) We were sitting in Barney's car, eating packets of mustard. Y' happy?
- Homer shows Agents Scully and Mulder the place where he saw the alien. This time, Grampa emerges from behind some bushes.Abe: For the love of God, help me! I've been here for four days and a turtle's got ahold of my teeth! (he points to the turtle) There he is!
(the turtle with Grampa's teeth starts to walk away and Abe slowly chases after it)
Abe: Come back here, you! Slow down! I'll get ye. (he grunts as he keeps trying to catch the turtle)
Scully: This is the worst assignment we've ever had.
Mulder: Worse than the time we were attacked by the flesh-eating virus?
(at this point, the turtle turns its mouth to bite Grampa's index finger.)
Abe: Ow! He bit me with my own teeth!
Scully: No, this is much more irritating.
- Scully rolling her eyes as Mulder goes on yet another rant about the paranormal, followed by him finishing long after everyone is gone.
- "The unsolved mysteries of... Unsolved Mysteries! The truth is out there!"
- According to the commentary, they just let David Duchovny just ramble on about conspiracies and took some small bits to use for that sequence. According to Matt Groening, he managed to go on for 2 continuous hours before he ran out of steam.
- And the part where Moe and two Mexican workers are trying to get the killer whale they kidnapped back to Sea World by carrying it."Who'd a thought a whale could be so heavy?" (sees Mulder) "Cheese it! The Feds!"
- Every time Mulder flashes his badge, you get a quick shot of a picture he has of himself lying down in nothing but a speedo.
- Homer and Bart plan to film the alien:
- At the beginning, Milhouse is at the arcade, loading quarters into a Waterworld machine.Milhouse: Thirty-eight... thirty-nine... forty quarters. This game better be good.
(Milhouse starts playing. On the screen, the character takes one step, and then the words "GAME OVER" flash on-screen)
Announcer: Game over, please deposit forty quarters.
Milhouse: What a rip! (after a few seconds, he takes out another pile of quarters and begins inserting them.)
- The second act break: Leonard Nimoy apparently concludes the tale, only for the Squeaky Voiced Teen to inform him there's ten minutes left.Nimoy: Oh, uh, fine. L-let me just get something out of my car.
(Nimoy walks offscreen. There's the sound of him running, followed by a car peeling away; after a few seconds the teen walks on-screen)
Squeaky Voiced Teen: I don't think he's coming back...
- The Alien reappears before the gathered crowd of Springfield citizens:Alien: I bring you love.
Lenny: It's bringing love! Don't let it get away!
Carl: (grabbing a baseball bat) Break its legs!
(the crowd brings out the Torches and Pitchforks)
- Lisa then reveals the true identity of the alien:Lisa: You want an alien? Here's your alien!
(shines flashlight at the alien revealing it to be none other than Mr. Burns with enlarged pupils)
Mr. Burns: Hello, children. I bring you love.
Willy: Gah! It's a monster! Kill it! KILL IT!
Smithers: It's not a monster! It's Mr. Burns!
Willy: Awww. It's Mr. Burns... KILL IT! KILL IT!
(the crowd joins with Willy's chanting)
- Kent Brockman covers a man waking up from a coma, who doesn't like what he hears...Man: Do Sonny and Cher still have that stupid show?
Kent: Uh, actually, she won an Oscar, and he's a congressman.
Man: Good night!
(The man instantly flatlines)
- When everyone is singing at the end, Scully can be seen wearing a "Homer's a Dope" shirt.
164 - The Twisted World of Marge Simpson
- The "Whack-A-Mole" couch gag, which features the clown hallucination music from "Homer the Clown"
- "Gimbels is gone, Marge. Loooooong gone. You're Gimbels."
- Marge forgetting Agnes's name.Agnes: Oh my name's Agnes, and you know it's Agnes! It means lamb! Lamb of God!
- Everyone using Marge's pretzels to pelt Whitey Ford (and Homer wanting Marge to rename her pretzels "Whitey Whackers"). This gag made the participants on the commentary track laugh hard, and it's not hard to see why: In one cut, Whitey is pleading to the crowd, then it cuts to the sportscasters, and when it cuts back to Whitey, he's already knocked out and lying on the ground while being pelted with pretzels.◊Announcer: And a barrage of pretzels knocking Whitey Ford unconscious!
Announcer 2: Wow, this is... this is a black day for baseball.
- Marge delivering some pretzels to Springfield Elementary, she's greeted by a dishevelled and nervous Skinner.Marge: Are you sure the kids will get enough nutrition from these pretzels?
Skinner: (in a monotone) Yes, I am sure. Sure as sure can be. (holds up a hand to give Marge her payment, but it's bandaged)
Marge: Oh my god, what happened to your arm?
Thug in shadows: It was a boating accident.
Skinner: I believe it was a "boaking" accident.
(the thug draws a gun on Skinner)
Skinner: I have to go now.
- How Chief Wiggum deals with the Investorites:Helen Lovejoy: I don't understand, why won't you let us unload our falafel fixin's?!
Lou: Ship's impounded, ma'am.
Chief Wiggum: Yeah, we... uh... found a couple'a barnacles on the hull, and the, uh, deck was wet.
Helen: That is ridiculous! And what are those men doing under my van?!
Chief Wiggum: (as several men run away from the van in the background) Look, lady, if I were you, I would just leap into the air as I am preparing to do.
(The Investorites' van promptly explodes)
- The episode ends with a mob war raging on the family's front lawn, complete with a Yakuza member getting chucked in through their kitchen window: "Forgiveness, please!"
- Fat Tony coming to "remind" Homer of his debt goes wrong.Homer: (in the bathroom of Moe's) Hey, Fat Tony. Still with the mob business?
Fat Tony: Er, yes, I am. Thanks for asking. Now, Homer, as you recall, you were done a favour by our... how shall I put this... "Mafia crime syndicate".
Homer: Oh, yeah.
Fat Tony: Now the time has come for you to do us a favour.
Homer: You mean the mob only did me a favour to get something in return? Oh, Fat Tony! (Fat Tony looks ashamed) I shall say "good day" to you, sir!
Fat Tony: (crestfallen) Okay, I will go. (he walks out the fire exit. On entering the alleyway he stops.) Hey, wait a minute!
165 - Mountain of Madness
- Mr. Burns decides to hold a plant fire drill. The entire scene has several highlights, but this was the best.Mr. Burns: Smithers, what's a good time for a plant evacuation?
Smithers: 45 seconds.
Mr. Burns: And how long has it been?
Smithers: I don't know sir. This stopwatch won't go past 15 minutes.
- Keep in mind that not one person has gotten out yet.
- Then Homer gets out first, and barricades the rest in by blocking the door.Homer: I think I won, Mr. Burns!
Mr. Burns: (as ominous music plays) Oh, you won alright. Won more than you bargained for.
- Bart at the dinner table:Homer: So Burns is gonna make us all go on a stupid corporate retreat up in the mountains to learn about teamwork which means we'll have to cancel our plans to hang around here.
Bart: Teamwork is overrated.
Bart: Think about it. I mean, what team was Babe Ruth on? Who knows?
Lisa and Marge: Yankees.
Bart: Sharing is a bunch of bull too. And helping others. And what's all this crap I've been hearing about tolerance?
Homer: Hmm. Your ideas are intriguing to me and I wish to subscribe to your newsletter.
- When the teams are being chosen for the mountain hike:Smithers: Lenny and Carl.
Carl: Aw, nuts! (realizes Lenny heard him) I mean, um... Aw, nuts.
- When Smithers protests Mr. Burns and Homer have been paired together:Smithers: Sir, this can't be right. You assured me this drawing was rigged so we'd be teammates.
Burns: Yes. Well, frankly, you've been a bit of a pill lately.
Smithers: Why do we always fight on vacation?
- Later, as Homer and Mr. Burns are trapped inside the snowed-in cabin:Mr. Burns: I'll kill you, you bloated museum of treachery!
Homer: You and What Army?? (he imagines Nazi snowmen behind Mr. Burns and shrieks) Stand back! I have powers! Uh, political powers!
(Mr. Burns imagines political figures including Mahatma Gandhi and Abraham Lincoln)
Imaginary Lincoln: (swinging a chain) IIIIIIIT'S SHOWTIME!
- As a result of being left without a partner for the activity, Smithers swears that if Burns was with him, he'd kick him right in his "bony old behind". His statement of "bony old behind" echoes across the mountains and Burns hears it, assumes Homer said it, and thanks him for pointing out that he was watching his figure.
- Bart and Lisa repeatedly pestering Smithers.Lisa: Mr. Smithers! Mr. Smithers! That moose is on fire!
- Before that:Lisa: Mister Smithers, I found another hurt shrew! I think this one has a twisted ankle!
Mr. Smithers: Twisted... aren't there any healthy animals in this forest?
- Before that:
- The display of Smokey the Bear.Smokey: Only who can prevent forest fires?
(Bart selects "you")
Smokey: You pressed "you," referring to me. That is incorrect. The correct answer is you!
(Bart kicks Smokey)
- Marge and a park ranger take a ski lift to find the kids.Ranger: I won't lie to you. Our chances of finding your children are slim to nil.
Lisa: Hi, mom!
(Bart, Lisa, and Smithers wave at Marge)
Marge: There they are! Let me down here.
Ranger: Sorry. There's no way off till we get to the top, and even then it's sort of tricky.
Marge: All right, kids, we'll meet you at the top! Just be careful!
Ranger: Uh, actually, I'm a little more concerned about us. (a support beam for the lift chair snaps in half) Um, do you know how to weld?
- The Ranger's introduction, when Marge tries to console Bart and Lisa about being left out of the competition.Marge: Don't worry kids, this is a national park. We can have lots of fun.
Ranger: I'm afraid that's no longer true, ma'am. Budget cutbacks have forced us to remove anything the least bit entertaining. (awkward pause) Well, uh, see ya.
- The ranger asks where Ranger McFadden is:Drunk: Well, I was just happy to see so many nice people.
Ranger: Quiet, you drunk. Where's Ranger McFadden?
McFadden: Right here, sir, right behind the drunk.
- The ranger takes a moment to humor the children:Ranger: (to Bart and Lisa) Kids, your father's gonna be just fine!.... (to everyone else) okay people, put on your corpse-handling gloves. We've got two frozen bodies buried somewhere in this mountain.
Bart: (turns to Lisa) Y'hear that, Lis? Dad's gonna be just fine.
- Lenny and Carl, exploring the mountain, come to where the cabin should be.Carl: There's nothing around for miles.
Lenny: Hey, maybe there is no cabin.
Carl: Oh, yeah. Like maybe the "cabin" is a place inside all of us, created by our good will and teamwork.
Lenny: Oooooohhh... No, they said there'd be sandwiches.
- Mr. Burns accidentally hitting the propane tank, causing a blast outside that propels the cabin down the mountain. Then there's Homer's response.Homer: *praying* Oh Lord, protect this rocket house, and all who dwell within the rocket house.
166 - Simpsoncalifragilisticexpiala(Annoyed Grunt)cious
- The entire episode is just one long parody of Mary Poppins.
- The Krusty Komedy Klassic. It's not a good idea to have a comedy special at the Apollo Theater when your special's initials are "KKK" and said initials are in white -- and appear behind you onstage.
- The fact that Krusty is Jewish gives this one bonus points.
- At the end of Shary Bobbins' bedtime song, "A Boozehound Named Barney":Shary: And so, let us leave, on this heartwarming scene...
Bart: Can I be a boozehound?
Homer: Not 'til you're 15.
- If you cut every corner there'll be more time for play, it's the American way!
- Bart's method of cutting costs.Bart: And I'll take up smoking and give that up!
Homer: Good for you, son. Giving up smoking is one of the hardest things you'll ever have to do. Have a dollar.
Lisa: But he didn't DO anything!
Homer: Didn't he, Lisa? Didn't he? Hey, wait a minute, HE DIDN'T! (Homer snatches the dollar out of Bart's hands)
- Kearney muttering, "You're telling me, ya blue-haired witch" after Marge rejects him.
- Marge imagining herself with Homer's "combover" (the two strands and zigzag line that Homer has left of his hair).
- "I've been singing you songs all day. I'm not a bloody jukebox!"
- Apparently Shary Bobbins and Groundskeeper Willie used to date and were engaged. It didn't last.Willie: Shary Bobbins and I were engaged back in the old country. Then she got her eyesight back. Suddenly the ugliest man in Glasgow wasn't good enough for her!
Shary: It's good to see you, Willie.
Willie: (angrily) That's not what ya said when the first time you saw me!
- The ending:Lisa: (as the family is watching Shary fly away) Will we ever see Shary Bobbins again, Dad?
Homer: I'm sure we will, honey.
(Shary gets hit by a plane and sucked into its engine in the background, the Simpsons all have their backs turned and fail to notice this)
Homer: I'm sure we will.
- Before this:Bart & Lisa: Goodbye, Shary Bobbins!
Marge: Thanks for everything!
Barney: So long, Superman!
- Before this:
- As Homer and Marge are looking for a nanny:Old Lady: Hello, I'm Mrs. Pennyfeather. I understand you are looking for a nanny.
Marge: Pleased to meet you.
Homer: Wait a minute, Marge. I saw Mrs. Doubtfire. THIS IS A MAN IN DRAG!
(starts pulling at her hair as if it were a wig, then chases her away)
Marge: Homer, if you're going to do that to every applicant, we're never going to find one.
Another Old Lady: Hello, I'm Mrs. Periwinkle.
(Homer screams with rage and chases after her)
- Bart testing Shary's credentials:Bart: Pop quiz, lady: I'm in my room, supposed to be doing my homework, but you find me reading a Playboy. What do you do? What do you?
Shary: I make you read every article in that magazine, including Norman Mailer's latest claptrap about his waning libido.
Homer: (as Bart has a look of concern) Wow. She's good.
- The clip of a young Rainier Wolfcastle, starring in a bratwurst commercial:Rainier: Meine bratwurst has a first name, it's F-R-I-T-Z;
meine bratwurst has a second name, it's S-C-H-N-A-C-K-E-N-P-F-E-F-F-E-R-H-A-U-S-E-N
Barney (not that one): Hey, where's Otis? He's not in his cell.
- The clip afterwards of Charles Bronson on the Andy Griffith Show:
Charles Bronson: (nonchalantly as he reads the newspaper) I shot 'im.
Barney: Well, that's— WHAT!?!
Charles Bronson: (draws a revolver) Now I'm down to Emmet's Fix-It Shop, to "fix" Emmet.
(Bronson walks out of the police station with his gun in hand, while Barney stares in horror and the Andy Griffith Show theme plays)
167 - The Itchy & Scratchy & Poochie Show
- The Itchy & Scratchy writers seemed to have taken Homer's suggestion to not kill Poochie off to heart....or have they?Itchy: Hi, Poochie. You look like you've got something to say. Do you?
Poochie: Yes, I certainly do! (his voice changes to Roger Meyers, Jr.) I have to go now. My planet needs me.
(The cel with Poochie on it is crudely moved upwards, as it then cuts to a title card reading, "Note: Poochie died on the way back to his home planet.")
Bart: Wow, Poochie came from another planet?
Lisa: I guess.
- Krusty's argument with Roger Myers Jr.Roger: Hey, Krusty, you look great. You get your teeth bleached?
Krusty: Yeah, it's a new kind of polymer treatment... HEY, SHUT UP! You're here 'cause your Itchy & Scratchy cartoons are stinking up my ratings!
(points to a ratings chart)
Krusty: Look at this breakdown of yesterday's show!
Roger: What happened here? Lightning hit the transmitter?
Krusty: See, that what I thought at first, but then... HEY, SHUT UP! That crater is where your lousy cartoon crash-landed! It's ratings poison!
Roger: But Itchy & Scratchy is critically acclaimed.
Krusty: ACCLAIMED? PAH! I ought to replace it right now with a Chinese cartoon where robots turn into blingwads! But I'm a lazy, lazy man, Roger. So I'm gonna give you one more chance. Now get out! Don't come back till you've fixed Itchy & Scratchy.
(Roger Myers Jr. slams the door so hard it breaks off, showing Sideshow Mel in the waiting room)
Krusty's Secretary: (off-screen) Okay, Mel, you can go in now.
Sideshow Mel: (walks into Krusty's office) Krusty, I've come to solicit donations for the Rock 'n' Roll Museum, and...
(Krusty still has an angry face from his argument with Roger Myers Jr.)
Sideshow Mel: I'll come back later.
- The focus group scene, from Bart and Lisa nonchalantly agreeing to go with a man at the mall, to Ralph eating his knob ("My knob tastes funny." "Please refrain from tasting the knob!"), to Nelson repeatedly setting Milhouse's knob to "like" at the sight of a muscular man in a speedo ("One kid seems to love the speedo man.")Focus Group Guy: Now, how many of you want to see Itchy and Scratchy face real life problems, like the ones you face every day?
Kids: Me! Me! I would!
Focus Group Guy: And how many of you would like to see just the opposite? Getting into far-out situations involving robots and magic powers?
Kids: Me! Me! I would!
Focus Group Guy: (utterly bamboozled) So...you want a realistic down-to-Earth show...that's completely off the wall...and swarming with magic robots?
Kids: Yeah, that sounds good.
Milhouse: And also, you should win things by watching!
- The Leaning on the Fourth Wall gags with Roy.
- At the family's viewing party:Jasper: Is this seat taken, little girl?
Bart: I'm not a girl! Are you blind?
Jasper: (dejected) Yes.
- The family's reaction to Homer asking them what they thought about Poochie.Homer: ...So, uh, it was pretty okay, huh?
(long awkward pause)
Bart: Mom, can we go to bed without dinner?
Marge: Yes we can.
(they run upstairs, leaving Homer alone)
Homer: At least I liked it, didn't I?
Homer's Brain: Oh, you don't wanna know how I really feel. Now look sad, and say "d'oh".
- And just beforehand:Ned: (nervously) Well, Homer, I can honestly say that was the best episode of Impy and Chimpy I've ever seen.
Carl: Yeah, you should be very proud, Homer. You've, uh... got a beautiful home here.
- In the cartoon itself, Itchy & Scratchy are driving to a fireworks factory when they stop for a hitchhiking Poochie — which is an Overly Long Gag of how Totally Radical Poochie is that completely derails the episode.Milhouse: WHEN ARE THEY GONNA GET TO THE FIREWORKS FACTORY?! [sobbing]
- And just beforehand:
168 - Homer's Phobia
- Homer, in a desperate attempt to either scare his son straight or show him what it means to be a real man's man, takes his son to a tour of a steel mill. But then it falls apart when the steel mill is staffed by every Hard Gay and Camp Gay stereotype, both of which are cranked Up to Eleven.
- "Stand still, there's a spark in your hair!" "Oh get it get it get iiiiit!"
- "Hot stuff comin' through!"Bart: (confused) Dad, why did you bring me to a gay steel mill?
Homer: (breaking down sobbing) I don't know! This is a nightmare! (to the gay workers): You're all sick!
Random Mill Worker: Oh, be nice!
Homer: Oh! My son doesn't stand a chance! The whole world's gone gay! (break whistle blows): Oh my God, what's happening now?
Foreman: We work hard, we play hard.
(the steel mill then turns into a stereotypical gay nightclub, complete with smoke machines, flashing lights, "Gonna Make you Sweat" playing, and a man dancing in front of a slow-moving fan while his and the fan's shadows are cast all about.)
- Earlier, he makes him sit in front of a huge billboard ad for cigarettes showing two sexy girls pillow fighting:Homer: Well, it's been two hours. How do you feel?
Bart: I don't know. I kind of want a cigarette.
- This line.Homer: I like my beer cold, my TV loud, and my homosexuals FUH-LAMING!
- Marge tries to delicately break it to Homer that John is gay, but he keeps missing her hints.Marge: Uh, Homer, didn't John seem a little... festive, to you?
Homer: Couldn't agree more, happy as a clam!
Marge: He prefers the company of men!
Homer: Who doesn't?
Marge: Homer, listen carefully. John is a Ho — mo...
Homer: (screams in terror)
- The car ride as Homer, Bart, Moe, and Barney go hunting.Barney: Today you're gonna be a man, Bart.
Bart: You gonna teach me to drive?
Moe: (sotto, to Barney) Oh, yeah. Let a twinkle-toes drive Betsy. Right.
Homer: Hehe. No, boy. You can't drive. You're only ten. You're going hunting.
Moe: You ever been huntin' before there, Barty?
Bart: No. Something about a bunch of guys alone together in the woods. Seems kinda gay.
Homer: That is a very immature attitude, young man!
- And later when they fail to hunt anything.Barney: Aw, we shoulda just stayed at the bar and shot some rats.
Moe: Hey, those ain't your rats, Barn!
- Homer accepting his son's sexuality at the end.Homer: You know Bart, maybe it's just the concussion talking, but anyway you choose to live your life is okay.Bart: What?Lisa: (whispering in his ear) He thinks you're gay.Bart: He thinks I'm gay!? ("Gonna Make you Sweat" starts up again)
169 - Brother from Another Series
- Lisa believing that stopping Cecil, Sideshow Bob's brother, cannot be done.Lisa: Oh, it's hopeless, utterly, utterly hopeless.
Sideshow Bob: Oh, I see. When it's one of my evil schemes, you can't foil it fast enough, but when Cecil tries to kill you, it's "hopeless, utterly, utterly hopeless!"
- Helped by Lisa's exasperated "Is this really the time for this?" look as Bob whines all of this.
- As Bob complains about his underlings, Cecil tries to defend them:Cecil: Come now, you speak as if they were a gaggle of slack-jawed yokels.
(Cletus bursts into the room)
Cletus: Mr. Terwilliger, come quick! There's trouble down to the cement-mixer, sir!
- This moment after Cecil's plan failed.Chief Wiggum: Well that's some good work, Lou. You'll make Sergeant for this.
Lou: Uh... I already am Sergeant, Chief.
Chief Wiggum: Perhaps you are — But I say Bob goes back to jail!
Sideshow Bob: But surely... I mean— I caught Cecil!?
Chief Wiggum: Maybe so. But Lou here says you were resisting arrest.
Lou: No, I didn't, Chief.
Chief Wiggum: Quiet, Lou — or I will bust you down to Sergeant so fast, it'll make your head spin!
- Homer finding Ralph Wiggum on his lawn (still in bed) after the water from the broken dam crashes through the town (and surprisingly causes no damage) and Ralph whines, "I think I wet my bed!"
- This beauty of a Shout-Out:Bart: Guess who?
- Anything with Bob and Cecil.Bob: You do know I used to have a— (clears throat) problem with trying to kill people?
Cecil: Goodness, I had no idea. For, you see, I have been on Mars for the last decade, in a cave, with my eyes shut and my fingers in my ears.
Bob: Hm. Touché, Cecil.
- Bart is convinced that Bob is still evil, and after he's released, wonders what terrible things Bob must be thinking. Cut to a close-up of Bob accompanied by his sinister theme music:Bob: (thinking) I hope they still make that shampoo I like.
- Bob and Cecil are talking about Bob's role on the dam project. After Cecil explains that Bob will be leading the construction crew, Bob asks if he'll be asked to lead the stereotypical catcalling. In a completely deadpan tone:Bob: And I suppose it will be my job to lead the hooting. (mockingly) "Oh, yeah! Shake it, madam! Capital knockers!"
- Just before that, Cecil explains his plans for the Springfield dam. Bob's reply?Bob: Just the thought of all that raw, surging power makes me wonder why the hell I should care.
- Bob spies Bart across the river and waves to him, causing Bart to hide behind a bush. Bob explains that Bart's "just shy from all the times I've tried to kill him". Cecil's nonplussed "Ah," makes it funny.
- Bob and Cecil's Sissy Fight for top bunk of their cell for the final gag, followed by:Cecil: So, when do they give out the menus?
- When Bob catches Bart and Lisa investigating his garbage, he gets angry. The scene then cuts to Bob arrive at the Simpson's house.Bob: Madam, your children are no more ... (camera pulls out to reveal he's hold Bart and Lisa by the necks) than a pair of ill-bred trouble makers!
Homer: Even Lisa?
Bob: Especially Lisa! But especially Bart!
- The entire bit with Bart praying for God to kill Sideshow Bob—(Homer and Marge are standing outside Bart's door, listening to him saying his prayers before bedtime)Bart: ... God bless Mom, and Dad, and Lisa, and Maggie. And please, God— kill Sideshow Bob.Marge: Bart, no!Bart: (Quickly) It's him or me, O Lord! (Marge walks in and pushes his hands down)Marge: You can't ask God to kill someone!
- Bob figures Cecil's motives easily:Bob: This is all because I got to be Krusty's sidekick instead of you, isn't it?
Cecil: Off the record? Yes. But officially, I did it for the money!
- A rare lapse in intelligence from Bob when Cecil reveals he's confident he'll get away with everything.Cecil:...or perhaps they'll blame master criminal. You know? The one who's been working at the dam and has a grudge against Springfield?
Bob: Now, I know Cousin Merle has had his troubles with the revenuers, but he's hardly a master crim - oh, you're referring to me.
Cecil: Yes. I'm framing you, and I'm doing a really excellent job, too!
- And Cecil hasn't quite got the hang of Evil Gloating.Cecil: (after having left, he briefly returns) Oh, and by the way, I'm planning to blow up the dam with you inside it.
Bob: Well, obviously.
170 - My Sister, My Sitter
- Chief Wiggum confusing a Bob Saget live comedy special for a Bob Seger concert.
- The world's first two-story outhouse."OH GOD, STOP!"
- At Dr. Nicks, Snake checking himself in after claiming he fell onto a bullet, and that it got lodged into his gut. The receptionist ticks off 'Liquor store robbery' on a checklist of reasons why people are checking themselves in.
Smithers (standing up uncomfortably): Ummm, no. I really would rather (he looks down at his derriere) get this taken care of.
- The actual list contains the following options: Unusual Sex Practice, Looter's Hernia, Mexican Stand-Off, Prison Tunnel Syndrome, Armed Homeowner, John Gotti's Disease, Allergic Reaction (Mace, Pepper Spray, Bullets) and Liquor Store Robbery.
- Hell everything about Dr. Nick's in this episode is brilliant. His phone book ad that actually says "As Good As Dr. Hibbert," and the motto outside his office "We stitch and don't snitch." And the wheelbarrow line in his office that has Moe with a drunken Barney, a lab monkey with a burnt up Professor Frink and a waiter with a bloated Comic Book Guy.Comic Book Guy: Oooooh, loneliness and cheeseburgers are a dangerous mix.
- Waylon Smithers would really not like to divulge why he's at Dr. Nick's clinic to Lisa.
- When Bart calls a number of people to the house the second last is a government official that results in this hilarious moment;G-Man: We got a report that a Lisa Simpson spotted a UFO.
Lisa: I didn't see any UFO!
G-Man: That's right Miss. You. Didn't.
(he gestures in the negative to a scientist a few feet away with a syringe)
- Homer gets stuck in the water fountain floor. People gather around and point and laugh at him.Homer: Don't laugh at me! I was once like you!
- Homer and Marge visit the Squidport gala and notice a funky-looking building with a car's rear sticking out from its side.Marge: Isn't that clever? It looks like a Cadillac drove right into the building.
Hans Moleman: (pokes his head from car as Homer and Marge leave) Help me!
171 - Homer vs. the Eighteenth Amendment
- When Prohibition is declared in Springfield, Homer comes up with a surprisingly clever workaround. He garners a large amount of money, which impresses Marge. Naturally, Lisa calls Homer out for his actions. The response that she gets is a simultaneous "Go to Your Room!, Lisa!" from Homer, Marge, and Bart, complete with pointing upstairs.
- Rex Banner looks over Springfield, determined to stop the alcohol bootlegging.Rex Banner: You're out there somewhere, Beer Baron, and I'll find you.
Homer: (faint shout from across the town) No, you won't!
Rex Banner: Yes, I will!
Homer: (faint again) ...Won't!
- Homer runs out of liquor and decides to brew his own.Marge: What on earth happened down there?
Homer: Uh, nothing, Marge. I think it must have been that bean I had for dinner!
Homer: Kamboom! Blam! Oh, excuse me again, dear.
Marge: Homer, there's no point in pretending you're making those noises. Your homemade liquor is exploding again.
Homer: What's that, dear? Kablamo!
Marge: You made a little money, and had the fun of being a wanted criminal; why not give it up, while you're ahead?
- Then Homer goes downstairs and there's another explosion. A few seconds later he runs outside on fire, rolls around screaming until the fire is out, then stands up and calmly says "I've thought about what you said, honey, and I've decided to quit."
- Homer's toast after the Prohibition law was repealed (which, in a lot of funny and sad cases, is Truth in Television).Homer: To alcohol! The cause of — and solution to — all of life's problems!
- When Rex Banner unwittingly steps onto the catapult, Wiggum gives the word to launch him. What really sells it is Quimby's perfectly deadpan response:Quimby: That was unexpected.
- The scene where Helen Lovejoy and a group of women come into Moe's after the prohibition law has been put into effect has this gemChief Wiggum: Better put on the old Wiggum charm! (he starts to walk towards the group of women, moving, smiling and humming like he's had a few drinks beforehand)
Helen Lovejoy: (gasps, then shrieks) PERVERT!!!!!!
Chief Wiggum: Oh boy, that sounded bad...
- Mayor Quimby's response to the angry women of Springfield.Helen Lovejoy: We demand prohibition!
Quimby: Demand? Who are you to demand anything? I run this town! You're just a bunch of low-income nobodies!
Aide: (leans in and whispers) Uh, election in November, election in November.
Quimby: WHAT? Again?! This stupid country...
- When the clerk presents the old law on prohibition, he also mentions another law made at the same time requiring ducks to wear long pants.Quimby: (as he examines the parchment) Well, I'll be darned. Long pants!
Maude Flanders: (annoyed) Read the other part. The non-duck part.
- In order to hide from Rex Banner, Moe disguises his bar as a pet shop. Naturally, Banner comes investigating.(as a party occurs inside Moe's, Rex approaches and knocks on the door. Moe comes to the locked door to answer)
Rex Banner: Open up, curly! This is a raid!
Moe: Raid? Curly?!
(the angle changes to show Moe beginning to reach for a switch by the door)
Moe: Uh, alright. But I don't know what you expect to find in this, (he grabs the switch, and pulls it, the bar switches out and is replaced with pet shop accoutrements) ah, simple... neighbourhood pet shop!
(Moe opens the door, and motions for everyone present to hide their drinks; all they do is hide them behind their backs)
Rex Banner: A pet shop? Well, let me ask you something... what kind of pet shop is filled with hot jazz music and rambunctious yahoos at two a.m. in the morning?
Moe: Dah... the... best damn pet shop in town!
(Everyone present cheers, raising their beer glasses in agreement, before quickly hiding them again)
Rex Banner: Well, just remember something: Baby turtles and alligators may seem like a cute idea for a pet, but they grow up!
(Banner leaves, and a relieved Moe flicks the switch, returning the bar to its natural condition... along with a severely bloodied Barney)
Barney: Ouch! Those gears down there really hurt!
- Duff's response to the threat of prohibition:Duff CEO: No, I'm not worried. Customers enjoy Duff for its robust taste, not its alcoholic content. That's why I'm confident that our new Duff Zero will sell even better than our previous brands.
(cut to the CEO presenting Duff Zero at a store. It then cuts to "thirty minutes later". The CEO is putting a "closed" sign over the main gate.)
Duff CEO: Welp, that's the end of me.
- When a jobless Wiggum threatens Homer at gunpoint, Homer points out that his gun doesn't have a trigger because he had to sell the trigger and most of the handle to feed his family.
172 - Grade School Confidential
- This gag that further proves that Krusty is illiterate (or, at the very least, semi-literate):Maude Flanders: We're talking about S-E-X! In front of the C-H-I-L-D-R-E-N!
Krusty: Sex Cauldron?! I thought they shut that place down!
- Principal Skinner and Edna Krabappel request to tell the town their side of the story.Chalmers: Oh, yeah, that'll be real productive. Who do you want to talk to first? The guy with a bumblebee suit or the one with a bone through his hair?
Sideshow Mel: My opinions are as valid as the next man's!
- The kids getting sick at Martin's party, including Nelson getting a stomach ache after punching Martin in the stomach, Bart feeding his oysters to the cat, and Lisa telling Bart that she faked food poisoning (since she's a vegetariannote ) just so she can leave.
- Skinner and Mrs. Krabappel hides out in Martin's playhouse:Skinner: (holding a miniature teapot) More tea, Edna?
Edna: (holding a miniature teacup) What kind of little boy has a tea set?
Skinner: (as he pours her tea) Heh, I think we both know the answer to that... A lucky boy!
- Principal Skinner hearing Bart talking about the incident that Bart saw at Martin's party after all the guests left:Bart: You are never going to guess what I saw at Martin's party after you guys left. You know that playhouse? Well, I...
Skinner: (overhears Bart) Good gravy!
Cafeteria worker: Oh, thank you. It's just brown and water.
- Skinner and Mrs. Krabappel tries to convince Bart to keep quiet about their affair:Skinner: Now, Bart. Son. I don't know what you think you saw, but, uh, let me assure you...
Edna: (places her hand on Skinner's shoulder) What Seymour— (realizes what she is doing and quickly pulls her hand back) Oh! What Principal Skinner means to say, Bart, is that sometimes a little boy's imagination can run away with him.
Bart: That's the best you can do?! You could at least say you were giving her CPR or rehearsing a play.
Skinner: Is it too late to say that?
Bart: (nods) Mmm-hmm.
- When Skinner and Mrs. Krabappel gets caught making out, the event is subject to quite a bit of Gossip Evolution, but eventually it ends in Ralph Wiggum delivering this immortal line:Ralph: Mrs. Krabappel and Principal Skinner were in the closet making babies and I saw one of the babies and the baby looked at me.
Chief Wiggum: The baby looked at you?
- Principal Skinner reluctantly tells the townspeople that he's a virgin.(beat)
Homer: Hey, does this mean that Mrs. Krabappel is a virgin, too?
- The scene where they try to talk Skinner and Edna into leaving the school.Chalmers: (into megaphone) Skinner, get off of my school!
Skinner: No! You get off of my school!
Marge: Homer, Bart's up there!
Homer: (takes megaphone from Chalmers) Gimme that! (into megaphone) BART! This is your father! Do you know... where the remote is? I looked all over the house.
Bart: Did you check your pocket?
Homer: (finds remote, then speaks to Marge through the megaphone) It was... (lowers megaphone) ...it was in my pocket.
- Chief Wiggum tries reverse psychology to get Skinner and Edna to leave the school.Chief Wiggum: Fine. Stay in the school. We don't want you to come out.
Bart: You got it.
Chief Wiggum: Damn.
173 - The Canine Mutiny
- The cops having a pot party after the blind man claims that his marijuana was medically prescribed to him for his eyesight.
- "Yeah, medicinal! Without it, I could go even... blinder, right?"
- This exchange:Groundskeeper Willie: Yeah, I bought your mutt, and I 'ate him! (begins to eat a leg of meat)
(Scare Chord as Bart gasps in horror)
Groundskeeper Willie: I 'ate his little face, I 'ate his guts, and I 'ate the way he's always barking! So I gave him to the church.
Bart: (relieved) Oh, I see, you hate him, so you gave him to the church.
Groundskeeper Willie: Aye. I also 'ate the mess he left on my rug. (Bart stares at him in confusion) You heard me!
- When Bart visits the Springfield Repo depot, Moe is present too.Moe: You gotta give me back my floor! The customers are walkin' around on the pipes!
(camera angle changes to show that the entire floor of Moe's bar is propped up against the wall behind the desk)
Repo manager: Well next time pay your taxes.
Moe: But I don't want to!
- When Bart is searching for the whereabouts of Santa's Little Helper, he is told by the repo men that they gave his dog to "some guy wearing a dress". Who does Bart's logic tell him to go to? Patty and Selma.
174 - The Old Man and the Lisa
- Mr. Burns checking his stocks:Mr. Burns: Well, let's get at the old stock ticker and have a look. Here's where I stopped checking it the last time: September 1929... (examines the readout with increasing horror) Oh no. Oh no! Oh no! Smithers! Why didn't you tell me about me about this market crash?!
Smithers: Uh... Well... Sir, it happened twenty-five years before I was born!
Mr. Burns: Oh, that's your excuse for everything!
- Mr. Burns is the guest speaker at Lisa's "Junior Achievers" club:Lisa: Does your plant have a recycling program?
Mr. Burns: (confused) "Re-cy-cling"? (he turns his mental dictionary to "R", and searches but doesn't find "recycle" anywhere) I'm afraid I'm not familiar with that term, you adorable little ragamuffin.Lisa: You never heard of recycling? It means to reuse things to conserve our natural resources.
Mr. Burns: Ooh, so Mother Nature needs a favor? Well, maybe she should have thought of that when she was besetting us with droughts and floods and poison monkeys! Nature started the fight for survival, and now she wants to quit because she's losing? Well, I say "hard cheese"!
- Later, the bankrupt Mr. Burns has to sell his house to Bret "The Hitman" Hart:Real Estate Agent: And, I'm sure a pro-wrestler such as yourself will appreciate all the closet space, Hitman.
Bret Hart: (sniffs) Eww! This place has got old-man stink!
Smithers: (to Mr. Burns) Don't listen to him, sir. You've got an enchanting musk.
- Mr. Burns goes grocery shopping. Hilarity Ensues.
- Lenny running the plant.(into PA) Uh... attention, everyone... uh... um... work harder. Bye! (cracks his knuckles and declines in the chair)
- And then later on in the episode Homer and Smithers comment on how hard Lenny is on all the workers.
- Lisa teaching Mr. Burns how to collect garbage.Burns: You mean there are actually people who will pay good money for garbage?
Lisa: Not good money really. Each can'll get you a nickel.
Burns: Oh, don't poo-poo a nickel, Lisa. A nickel will buy you a steak and kidney pie a cup of coffee, a slice of cheesecake and a newsreel, with enough change left over to ride the trolley from Battery Park to the Polo Grounds.
Lisa: (unimpressed) There's a can.
175 - In Marge We Trust
- Reverend Lovejoy's sermon on constancy, which puts the entire congregation to sleep.
- The "Mr. Sparkle" commercial.I'M DISRESPECTFUL TO DIRT!! CAN YOU SEE THAT I'M SERIOUS?
JOIN ME OR DIE. CAN YOU DO ANY LESS?
- Homer then finds out that its a complete coincidence that Mr. Sparkle resembles him:Bart: There's your answer, fishbulb.
Homer: [tired and dejected] Well, it was a good ride while it lasted. [trudges across the living room] C'mon kids, let's go home.
Bart: We are home.
Homer: [slumps onto the couch] That was fast.
- Homer then finds out that its a complete coincidence that Mr. Sparkle resembles him:
- Flanders' incessant calls about his alleged sins being the reason why Reverend Lovejoy has stopped caring about helping others. One of them happens to be "I think I swallowed a toothpick!"
- Homer's line, "Now that's religion!" after Reverend Lovejoy recounts his fight with the monkeys at the zoo.
176 - Homer's Enemy
- When Homer races home to work on the contest, Frank watches him and gives a sinister contemplating laugh, until Homer backs into his car.
- Bart finds out the factory collapsed when Milhouse was there.Bart: Milhouse! You were supposed to be the night watchman!
Milhouse: I was watching. First it started falling over — then it fell over.
Bart: Wow... I wonder where all the rats are gonna go.
(the rats are seen running out of the debris pile, across the street, and into Moe's Tavern)
Moe: (from inside) Okay, everybody tuck your pants into your socks!
- Though considered offensive by some, Frank Grimes' mental breakdown and death is considered funny and well-deserved by those who think Frank Grimes was too mean to Homer.
- "I'm peeing on the seat! Give me a RAISE!"
- At one point, Frank is watching Homer eating.Grimes: Good lord, he eats like a pig!
Carl: Eh, I dunno. Pigs tend to chew. I'd say he eats more like a duck.
(the scene changes to Homer trying to eat a donut without bothering to chew)
Grimes: Well, some kind of farm animal, anyway.
177 - The Simpsons Spin-Off Showcase
- During the parade, Wiggum and Skinner scan the crowd and find Big Daddy:Ralph: "Look, Big Daddy! It's Regular Daddy!"
Big Daddy: "The Chief! Ooh, I suppose I'd best to run. (He briefly fans himself with his hat) Lord have mercy, how I wish I weren't so fat...
- The ensuing chase ends when Big Daddy reaches the governor's stolen mansion. With the heroes close behind, Big Daddy makes a beeline for a desk chair and promptly turns away from his pursuers. He soon performs a dramatic Chair Reveal for Wiggum and Skinner, who clearly saw him get in the chair beforehand. Even better, they still act surprised when they see Big Daddy.
- "Chief Wiggum, P.I. will return... right now!"
- The entirety of "The Love-Matic Grampa" is sick and hilarious.
Abe: (after Moe plugs him back in) That's the second time he pulled the plug on me. note
- How Abe becomes stuck in the love tester: he becomes crushed to death by several large cans and a store shelf. His angel floats out only to have his wings seared off by a plane and he falls into the machine.
- Abe dares Moe to charm the next person that walks in the bar... and on cue Homer walks in.
- Abe talks down on Homer for what he did to him at his funeral. After a while, Homer pulling the plug on the love tester and requests that Moe get a karaoke machine.
Kearney: It said I was gay!
- Jimbo, Dolph and Kearney destroying the love tester.
- The end showing all the crazy plots for future episodes (most of which have come true in some capacity), and the newer episodes allegedly featuring a tiny, green space alien named Ozmodiar that only Homer can seenote .
178 - The Secret War of Lisa Simpson
- Bart puts 15 megaphones end-to-end, making the amplification louder, and says "TESTING!". The result is a sonic feedback loop so huge, it sends a shockwave throughout all of Springfield, breaking every window in the process and even Homer's Duff beer bottles.
- Homer orders Bart to go to the garage instead of his (Bart's) bedroom as punishment. Then Bart is seen using the riding lawn mower. And soon after he's being chased by cop cars.
- While visiting the school, Bart and Lisa come across a class being held:Cadet: Truth is beauty, beauty truth, sir!
Lisa: They're discussing poetry! We never do this at school!
Instructor: But the truth can be harsh and disturbing. How can that be considered beautiful?
Marge: Well, they sure sucked the fun out of that poem.
- Bart nails all of his targets during his artillery practice — and misses one. Turns out he did hit his target: Principal Skinner's car just as Seymour was about to get in it.Nelson: (from a school window) Ha-ha!
- While everyone else at the shooting range was using single-shot rifles, the instructor assumed that because Bart had attended public school he would have proficiency in small arms, so he moved him up to something a little more advanced - a grenade launcher.
- The commandant revealing the former graduation procedure:Commandant: It used to be that we would make you fight each other in a two-day battle royale!
Commandant: That was before nineteen fifty-seven. (under his breath) Thank you very much, State Supreme Court...
- Just before having to go through The Eliminator, the commandant makes an announcement: