- Homer answers the phone.Homer: Y'ello?
Patty: Marge please.
Homer: Who is this?
Patty: Can I speak to Marge?
Homer: (irritated) This is one of her sisters, isn't it?
Patty: Is Marge there?
Homer: Who shall I say is calling?
Patty: Marge please.
Homer: (hands Marge the phone with a scowl) It's your sister.
- Bart steps into a tattoo parlor.
- Homer has a Drama Queen moment when he discovers Marge paid all the Christmas shopping money to remove Bart's tattoo.Homer: It's true! The jar's empty! Oh my God! We're ruined! Christmas is cancelled. No presents for anyone!
- The Santa training scene where Homer forgets the names of the reindeer.Homer: Dasher... Dancer...
Homer: Nixon... (the instructor rolls his eyes) Comet and Cupid... Donna Dixon?
Instructor: Sit down, Simpson.
- Homer hits his head on the workshop door while working as a Mall Santa.Homer: Hey, little ones! Santa's back! Ho ho [thump] D'OH!
- After Homer comes home to rest, Patty and Selma irk him into buying a Christmas tree.Homer: Merry Christmas.
Patty: It's Christmas? You wouldn't notice that around here.
Homer: (about to go upstairs) And why is that?
Selma: Well, for one thing there's no tree.
Homer: Well I was just on my way out to get one!
Lisa: Can we go too, dad?
Bart: Yeah, can we?
Homer: NO!! (slams the door)
- Homer drives through town looking for an affordable tree, with each lot looking shabbier and shabbier and still out of his range. Eventually, he resorts to just poaching a tree off someone's property and driving off with it, while the owner fires at him with a shotgun.Marge: Oh, it's beautiful, Homer!
Selma: Is that a birdhouse?
Homer: ...It's an ornament!
Patty: Do I smell gunpowder?
- Homer drives through town looking for an affordable tree, with each lot looking shabbier and shabbier and still out of his range. Eventually, he resorts to just poaching a tree off someone's property and driving off with it, while the owner fires at him with a shotgun.
- After Bart has his tattoo removed, he watches television with Lisa, Maggie and Homer poking the bandage. Each time, he lets out a yell of "Ow! Quit it!"
- The family singing "Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer" over the closing credits.
- After the line saying his nose glows and the reindeer games part, Bart rattles off "Like a light bulb!" and "Like strip poker!" respectively to the annoyance of Homer. Lisa even gets in the act when she shouts "Like schnozzola!" for the name-calling.
- Homer screwing up Santa's line:Marge: Take it, Homer!
Homer: Oh! Rudolph, get your nose over here so you can guide my sleigh today.
Grampa: Oh, Homer.
- The ending where Bart's addition of "Like Attila the Hun" is interrupted by Homer strangling him.
2. - "Bart the Genius"
- This.Teacher: You know what happens when you mix acids with bases, don't you?
Bart: Of course I do.
*KABOOM!* (everyone and everything is covered in green goop)
(the two hamsters run away)
- Also Homer trying to coax Bart out of his room and Bart not falling for it.
- After Bart confesses to Homer, Homer switches and chases a naked Bart to his room, leading to Homer angrily beating on the door and this simple gem of a dialogue.Marge: What's going on with those two?
Lisa: I think Bart's stupid again.
- The famous Kwyjibo scene.Homer: Wait a minute, you little cheater! You're not going anywhere until you tell us what a kwyjibo is!
Bart: Kwyjibo: um, a big dumb balding North American ape... with no chin.
Marge: And a short temper!
Homer: I'll show you a big dumb balding ape!
Bart: Uh oh, kwyjibo on the loose!
- Every other player, even Lisa, can only come up two and three-letter words. Meanwhile, Maggie is using her alphabet blocks to spell "EMCSQU". Homer has "OXIDIZE" on his rack, but he instead settles for "DO".
- When Skinner has Bart, Marge, and Homer in his office:Skinner: He's frequently absent from school, then gives teachers pathetic excuse notes that are obviously childish forgeries when compared to...
(Skinner notices that the check Homer just wrote for him has the same scribbly handwriting as a so-called forged note)
Skinnner: ...Well, at any rate, it is my reluctant decision...
- When Homer asks Dr. Pryor how it's possible that Bart is a genius, he replies, "Well, genius-level intelligence is usually the result of heredity and environment... although in some cases it's a total mystery."
- Bart's genius classmates using their IQ to con him out of his lunch.
3. - "Homer's Odyssey"
- The string of newspaper headlines regarding Homer's public safety crusade, culminating in "Enough already, Homer Simpson!"
- The fact that one of the signs he's responsible for reads, "Sign ahead".
- Bart's prank call to Moe's:Moe: (answers phone) Moe's Tavern.
Bart: Is Mr. Freely there?
Bart: Freely! First initials, I.P.
Moe: Hold on, I'll check. (to bar) Uhh, is I.P. Freely here? Hey, everybody! I. P. Freely!
(bar patrons snicker)
Moe: ...Wait a minute. (into phone) Listen to me, you lousy punk, when I get a hold of you, you're dead. I swear I'm gonna slice your heart in half!
(Bart and Lisa laugh their heads off, Moe hangs up)
Homer: You'll get that punk someday, Moe.
Moe: Oh, I dunno, he's tough to catch. He keeps changing his name!
- Mr. Burns telling Homer, "You're not as stupid as you look. Or sound. Or our best testing indicates."
- Mr. Burns needs a card to remember the Simpsons' names.Mr. Burns: Ah, hello there, uh...uh...
Homer: (whispering to Smithers) Simpson, Homer.
Smithers: Here you go, sir. (hands Mr. Burns a card with list of the Simpson family and their names)
Mr. Burns: (looking at card) Ah, oh yes, uh, oh, and this must be your lovely wife.. .Marge. Oh ho, look at little...Lisa. Why, she's growing like a weed! And this must be, uh, Brat!
Homer: Don't correct the man, Brat!
- Marge sings "Hey brother, Pour the Wine" at the company picnic.
- When Homer rescues Marge from herself, her head is tilted back and her mouth is hanging open! Marge is completely gone!Homer: Snap out of it, Marge. You've gotta come with me. The boss is going to make a toast.
Marge: Well, I'm not much of a drinker. (Marge passes out)
Homer: You've picked a perfect time to start.
- When Homer rescues Marge from herself, her head is tilted back and her mouth is hanging open! Marge is completely gone!
- At the picnic, Mr. Burns tells them to make themselves at home, to which Bart tells Homer that he can lie around in his underwear and scratch himself.
- This, when Homer announces the family's going to Dr. Marvin Monroe:Lisa: You're sending us to a doctor who advertises on pro wrestling?!
Homer: Boxing, Lisa. Boxing. There's a world of difference.
- Also, when the family urge him not to pawn the TV and Marge suggests her engagement ring instead. Homer replies, "Now, I appreciate that honey, but we need $150 here.
- Homer spots what he believes is the ideal family leaving Mr. Burns' company picnic. They appear dressed as angels, sing "Bingo" together and drive into a ray of light leading to heaven. The same family is later seen in Dr. Monroe's waiting room, ignoring each other with glares on their faces.
- Dr. Marvin Monroe tells the Simpsons to draw what gives them the most stress. Everyone draws Homer. When Dr. Monroe asks Homer to show what he drew, Homer admits: "Sorry, I wasn't paying attention", revealing an irrelevant drawing of a plane dropping bombs.
- Dr. Monroe has the family hit each other with padded mallets. Bart points out that they work better with the padding removed and proves this by whacking Dr. Monroe's leg with it.
- Dr. Monroe's trying to help the family by connecting them to electrodes and allowing them to shock each other. ("My finger slipped. [bzzt] AAAH!" "So did mine!") At the height of it, they burden the energy grid, causing all the lights in the city block to flicker.
- The event is noticed by the nuclear power plant:Smithers: Boy! Someone's really gobbling up the juice, sir.
Mr. Burns: Excellent. (studying a meter) Excellent! Perhaps this energy conservation fad is as dead as the Dodo.
- The event is noticed by the nuclear power plant:
5. - "Bart the General"
- Abe tells Bart to stand up for himself when Nelson bullies him, only for Jasper to walk through and take his newspaper despite his protests.
- Any scene with Herman, the one-armed military antiques store owner.Herman: When he leaves the Kwik-E-Mart, we start the saturation bombing. You got the water balloons?
Bart: Two hundred rounds, sir. Is it okay if they say "Happy Birthday" on the side?
Herman: Well, I'd rather they say "Death from Above", but I guess we're stuck.
- During the "peace signing" scene at the end, Herman repurposes the Treaty Of Versailles, he just adds Bart and Nelson's names to the treaty.
- One of the words Abe doesn't want to hear on TV again: "family jewels". Earlier, Homer claiming kicking people in the "family jewels" is a traditional Simpson technique.
- Bart tries taking Homer's advice during one of the fights with Nelson. It doesn't work, Nelson just pushes him away.
- Homer calling his dad a "tall, grey haired kid" after Grampa throws a water balloon on him from Bart's treehouse.
- After Bart leads the kids to victory against Nelson, one boy reenacts the famous Times Square Kiss photo with Lisa. However, she slugs him right afterwards.
6. - "Moaning Lisa"
- Homer and Bart play a video boxing game:Homer: Come on, come on, let's go.
Bart: (as announcer) In the red trunks, with a record of 48 wins and no losses, the undisputed champ of this house, Battling Bart Simpson! Whoopee! Woo-woo-woo! And in the lavender trunks, with a record of zero wins and 48 defeats... oh, correction, humiliating defeats, all of them by knock-out...
Homer: Must you do this every time...?
Bart: Homer "the Human Punching Bag" Simpson!
- Followed by a KO in the first round.
- Bart's boxer defeats Homer's boxer by punching his head off. Bear in mind this was a couple years before Mortal Kombat was made.
- There's also the last scene of that arc, which has Homer about to beat Bart thanks to lessons from a local video game wizard... and then Marge switches the game off to announce Lisa's recovery from depression, allowing Bart to quickly retire from video boxing to preserve his record as the undefeated champion.
- Marge tells Homer about a note she received from school.Homer: What did you do this time, ya little hoodlum?
Bart: I didn't do it. Nobody saw me do it. There's no way they can prove anything.
7. - "The Call of the Simpsons"
- Homer sets a trap for a rabbit, which flings it far into the distance. Animal abuse has never been funnier.
- Homer is surrounded by animals biting at him. He tries to get them off by rolling on the ground while moaning amusingly.
- Homer as Bigfoot.Homer: (after being tranquilised) Avenge me, son. Avenge my death. (begins snoring)
- The results on whether or not Homer is Bigfoot: inconclusive.Doctor: He's either a brilliant beast, or simply a below-average human being.
- The ridiculously decadent mobile home the Simpsons check out at the dealership, it's a two-story monstrosity thats far more luxurious than the family's actual house. It's more a mansion on wheels than anything.
- Homer walks away from the family toward the canyon, thinking he's all alone:
8. - "The Telltale Head"
- Homer listens to a football game on a Walkman and the broadcast somehow syncing up with Reverend Lovejoy's sermon."IT'S GOOD! IT'S GOOD! IT'S GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOD!!!!! It's... good to see you all today."
- The Sunday School scenes:Milhouse: Will there be cavemen in Heaven?
Teacher: Certainly not!
Bart: Uh, ma'am, what if you're a really good person but you're in a really, really bad fight and your leg gets gangrene and it has to be amputated. Will it be waiting for you in heaven?
Teacher: For the last time, Bart, yes!
- Soon after:Teacher: The ventriloquist goes to heaven, but the dummy doesn't!
Bart: (raising hand) Oh, oh, oh! Me!
Bart: What about a robot with a human brain?
Teacher: I don't know! All these questions... is a little blind faith too much to ask?
- Soon after:
- On the cinema marquee: Space Mutants 4: The Trilogy Continues
9. - "Life on the Fast Lane"
- Homer being so depressed, he doesn't even react to getting hit in the head.Bart: Dad, you didn't even say, "Ouch!"
Homer: Oh sorry. Ouch.
- Homer: My birthday?
Homer: It's my birthday?! What do I get? I love birthdays!
Marge: No, Homer! It's mine!
- Homer trying to make excuses for the fact that the bowling ball had his name engraved on it - "So you'd know it was from me!" - and that it was drilled for his fingers - "I couldn't very well chop your hand off and bring it to the store, could I?" When Marge then insists on keeping it for herself, he points out that she doesn't know how to bowl, basically admitting that he didn't intend for her to use it. "Whoops."
- The end of the episode parodies the famous ending scene from An Officer and a Gentleman, complete with knockoff Joe Cocker music.Homer: Marge! What a lovely surprise! You're here to see me, right?
Marge: Of course! (cuddles and kisses him on the cheek)
(Homer picks her up and carries her past his cheering co-workers)
Lenny: Way to go Homer, way to go! (ignores the dial behind him turning from "Okay" to "Danger")
Worker: Hey, what'll I tell the boss?
Homer: Tell him I'm going to the back seat of my car, with the woman I love, and I won't be back for ten minutes!
10. - "Homer's Night Out"
- Homer is about to strangle Bart after finding out he was the one who took the picture of him dancing with Princess Kashmir, but he is stopped by Marge, who strangles Homer for dancing with the stripper in the first place.Homer: Why you little...
Marge: Why you big...(to Bart) Bart, go to your room!
Bart: I'm outta here.
Homer: Look, Marge? Honey? Baby? Doll?
Marge: Homer, I don't even want to look at you right now.
Homer: What are you saying, honey?
(Marge points out the door)
Homer: But, where would I sleep?
Marge: My suggestion, is for you to sleep in the filth you created!!
Homer: Would a motel room be okay?
(Marge slams the door in annoyance)
- Homer stays at Barney's apartment room.Homer: (looking out the window) Hey Barney, see those tiny rows of light? The middle one is my house. Someone must have left the porch light on.
Barney: Hey, that's rough, pal. (leaves offscreen) Hello? Is this Marge? Turn off the damn porch light!
(Homer sees Barney on the phone)
Barney: Homer's not made of money, you know.
(Homer grabs the phone from him)
Marge: (through the phone) Who is this?
Homer: Don't listen to him, Marge! He's—
Marge: It's you! Hmph! (hangs up)
- Marge recognising the name of Homer's supervisor Eugene Fisk and asking if he used to be Homer's assistant (He was, in a previous scene). "Hey, what is this? The Spanish Exposition?"
- At the restaurant, Bart changing a sign from "Cod platter" to "Cold Pet Rat".
11. - "The Crepes of Wrath"
- The Krusty doll repeats the lines "I like to play with you" over and over until the batteries die.
- Homer miraculously recovers from his back injury when Bart agrees to go to France on foreign exchange.
- Skinner tells Homer that the exchange student living with them will be an Albanian. "You mean all white with pink eyes?"
- Homer's final promise to Albanian exchange student/spy Adil has humor in it. As Adil is being loaded onto the plane to be deported, Homer tearfully promises to send him "those civil defense plans you wanted!".
- Bart: (sincere) Bye, Spanky.
12. - "Krusty Gets Busted"
- Everything from the Krusty the Klown show that opens the episode.
- Krusty's on-air heart attack.
- An old clip of Sideshow Bob shows him smothering a pie in Krusty's face and Krusty decking him in response.
- Everyone laughs at Homer when they see in the surveillance video that Homer screamed and jumped into the chips when he saw "Krusty" carry a gun.Homer: D'oh!
- Krusty nearly blows things at his trial from the beginning.Judge: Krusty the Clown, how do you plead?
Krusty: I plead guilty, your honor!
(the crowd gasps, Krusty's attorney whispers something to him)
Krusty: (laughing) Oh, sorry, I mean not guilty. Opening night jitters, your honor.
(Krusty's attorney Face Palms)
- Then there's his trial:Krusty: (nearly crying) Is it a crime to bet on sporting events?
Attorney: Yes, it is!
Krusty: (sheepishly) Oh. Sorry.
- Before Bart outs Sideshow Bob for framing Krusty, they have this exchange.Bob: Let's try to remember Krusty, not as a hardened criminal, but as that lovable jester who honked his horn and puttered around in his little car
Bart: And shot you out of a cannon.
Bob: (glares at Bart) And shot me out of a cannon. Yes, we will never forget that, will we?
13. - "Some Enchanted Evening"
- "Leave Homer?!" "Don't use his name!" "Leave Pedro?!"
- The entire Rubber Baby Buggy Bumpers Babysitting Service scene. Marge calls but the family is blacklisted from there because the kids are hellions. Homer calls back:Homer: Hello, this is Mr... Sampson.
Receptionist: Didn't your wife just call a second ago?
Homer: No, I said Sampson, not Simpson.
- She buys it, and immediately starts badmouthing the Simpsons, referring to Homer as the big ape father. Homer's facial expressions are hysterical, as is his attempt, through gritted teeth, to defend his "neighbours".
- Bart: You don't have a clue, do ya dad?
Homer: (throws shaving cream at him) Out, boy! Out!
Bart: (leaving) What a grump!
- What follows:Marge: Precious, I think I hear the doorbell.
Homer: (sweetly) I think you're right, dumplin'. (angrily) Bart! Get the door!
- What follows:
- Homer at the flower shop.Homer: I'd like some flowers.
Florist: What kind of flowers?
Homer: Y'know, pretty ones. Not dead.
Florist: We have some beautiful long-stem roses. They're $55 a dozen.
Homer: One, please.
- At dinner, Homer gets to choose a lobster from a tank. The waiter has to point out to him that "when you choose one that's floating upside down, it somewhat defeats the purpose of selecting a live lobster."
- After the news vans arrive, Homer tries to weakly explain why he untied the Babysitter Bandit, subtitled "Homer Simpson: Local Boob".
14. - "Bart Gets an "F""
- Bart tries to explain to Martin that only geeks sit in the front row, and that troublemakers go to the back row so no one can see what they're doing. Martin turns this into a mathematical formula: "The potential for mischief varies inversely with one's proximity to an authority figure," and shows Bart a card with "MOC 1/PA" on it. "Yeah, but don't say it like that."
- Bart has a moment of regret after celebrating the fact that he passed his history test.Bart: I passed, I passed, I... KISSED THE TEACHER! (spitting in disgust)
- Bart's imagined scene of him still being in the fourth grade as a middle-aged man and still being unable to comprehend Treasure Island:Bart: Look lady, I got a peptic ulcer, wife hocking me for a new car, and I need a root canal, will you quit bugging me about the stupid pirate?
Bart Jr: Psst! Long John Silver, dad
Edna: I heard that Bart Jr! I want to see both of you after class today
Bart: D'oh! Thanks a lot, son!
15. - "Simpson and Delilah"
- This dialogue:Marge: I love you, Homer!
Homer: I love you, Karl! Uh, Marge!
- On his insurance form requesting coverage on the Dimoxinil, Homer claims that it's "to keep brain from freezing".
- After Bart breaks Homer's bottle of Dimoxinil, he tells him three things that will haunt him for the rest of his life:Homer: You've ruined your father, you've crippled your family, and baldness is hereditary!
Bart: (worried) It is?
16. - "Treehouse of Horror"note
A. - Bad Dream House
- Ominous Voice: They are all against you, Bart... You must kill them all... They all must die!
Bart: Are you my conscience?
Ominous Voice: I— Yes! I am...
- Upon first entering the house, the family discovers a strange portal in the kitchen that Lisa guesses leads to another dimension.Homer: Ohhh, handy! (tosses an orange into the portal; a ball of paper suddenly comes shooting out, hitting Homer in the head)
Lisa: (reading the note) "Quit throwing your crud into our dimension."
- When Marge first walks into the kitchen, the walls are bleeding.Marge: Hmm, this place sure could use a woman's touch.
- Homer: (calling the estate agent) Mr. Ploot? Homer Simpson here. When you sold me this house, you forgot to mention one little thing: YOU DIDN'T TELL ME IT WAS BUILT ON AN INDIAN BURIAL GROUND! ... NO! YOU! DIDN'T! ... Well, that's not my recollection ... Yeah? Well, all right, goodbye! (hangs up) He says he mentioned it five or six times.
- The scene where the Ominous Voice threatens the family by describing how they will die in such gross and disturbing methods, which eventually angers Marge enough to suddenly screech:Marge: SHUSH!! SHUT UP! Quit trying to push us around! Stop saying those horrible things and show some manners!
Marge: ...Look at me. I've never been so angry. My hands are shaking.
Homer: Better than your eyes bursting.
- Bart: Hey, do the thing!
Ominous Voice: What?
Bart: Make the walls bleed!
Ominous Voice: No!
Bart: Hey come on, man! We own you!
Ominous Voice: I don't have to entertain you!
Bart: Hey come on! Do it! Do the blood thing! Come on, do it! Do it! Do it! Do it! Do it! Do it!
- Lisa's closing observation: "It chose to destroy itself rather than live with us. You can't help but feel a little rejected."
B. - Hungry are the Damned
- The aliens beam up every member of the family, but Homer is too heavy and so the ship has to utilize multiple beams to get him inside.
- Kang showing off the cable system, which receives television from over a million channels from across the galaxy. Except HBO, which would cost extra.
- Similarly, their video game technology, which only progressed as far as Pong. When Bart and Homer make fun of how dated it is, Kang and Kodos remind them that they did build this spaceship.Bart: Hey, that's just Pong, man. Get with the times.
Homer: Marge and I played that old game before we were married.
Kang: (put out) Well, we did build this spaceship, y' know.
Kodos: Anyone from a species that has mastered intergalactic travel, raise your hand!
(they raise their tentacles. After a moment, Bart raises his hand, but Homer slaps it down.)
- Similarly, their video game technology, which only progressed as far as Pong. When Bart and Homer make fun of how dated it is, Kang and Kodos remind them that they did build this spaceship.
- The total screw of the reveal. Lisa, suspecting the aliens are planning to cook and eat them, steals Serak the Preparer's book, "How to Cook Humans". Then it turns out there's space dust on it, and it supposedly reads "How to Cook For Humans." Lisa blows off some more space dust, revealing it's "How to Cook Forty Humans". Then Kang reveals it really should read "How to Cook For Forty Humans."
- And Kang & Kodos' reaction to this? They're actually hurt. Poor Serak starts crying.Kodos: Well, if your plan was to make Serak the Preparer cry, mission accomplished.
C. - The Raven
- There's an inherent silliness in having Homer as the main character of the poem's recreation, as he's reciting Edgar Allan Poe's lines in his Simpleton Voice. Until he gets fed up with the Bart Raven and breaks character, yelling, "Why, you little!" He hits his head, and gets circling ravens going "Nevermore," over and over.
- Bart's interruptions.Narrator: Here I opened wide the door.
Bart: This better be good.
Narrator: Darkness there, and nothing more.
Bart: You know what would have been scarier than nothing?
- Also, "Quoth the Raven-" "Eat my shorts!"
- The song on Mr. Burns' campaign commercial: "Only a moron wouldn't cast his vote/For Monty Burns!"
- The state motto: "Not Just Another State"
- Bart's blasphemous prayer:Bart: Dear God, we paid for all this stuff ourselves, so thanks for nothing. (gasps from everyone else)
- Burns' campaign manager asks the Simpsons to appear very affectionate to him. "But, we must remind you, he hates being touched."
- The nuclear safety inspectors reveals dozens of glaring safety failures all over the power plant, adding up to 56$ Million in costs to fix them!
18. - "Dancin' Homer"
- After Mr. Burns throws the first pitch in the baseball game, Homer and Bart heckle him.Homer: Hey, Burns! Hey! Rag-arm!
Bart: Hey, you throw like my sister, man!
Lisa: Yeah, you throw like me!
- "Bleeding Gums" Murphy's really long performance of "The Star-Spangled Banner", which wears out everyone except for Lisa.
- Bart tries to get a washed-up star player to sign his ball, but the player refuses. When Marge gets mad and goes over to get the ball signed herself, the player signs the ball with "Room 203, how about it? Flash".Homer: Wow, Flash Bailor came on to MY wife! You still got the magic, Marge.
- Homer and Mr. Burns get drunk and attempt to do 'the wave' together. Given there are only two of them, this consists of Homer and Burns alternatively standing up and yelling while raising their arms, as Bart and Smithers (and everyone else nearby) observe them in quiet befuddlement. Words really don't do justice to how ridiculous Homer and Burns look in this scene◊.
- Homer's performance at the game leads to Mr. Burns banning him from all company outings. We get to see a score card showing that Homer has made an ass of himself dozens of times before on various trips, represented by frowney face stamps.
- In Dancing Homer's routine, he spells out the name of the city with his body, except misspelling Springfield as "Springfeeld".
19. - "Dead Putting Society"
- Homer is so confident that Bart will win the miniature golf tournament that he places a written wager with Flanders, involving the loser's father mowing the winner's lawn in their respective wife's Sunday dress. At Flanders' insistence, Marge changes the loser part to say "the father of the boy who doesn't win". After Bart and Todd agree to a draw, Flanders believes it's a tie and they can put it behind them now. But Homer reminded them the wager is for the boy "who doesn't win", Flanders says they both have to get mowing. Lisa comments that she's going to need therapy in the future. Homer's plan backfires since Ned enjoys it, as it reminds him of his fraternity days. Homer can be heard muttering words of lament as the episode ends.
- Homer reads out Ned's apology letter to the family, ridiculing the ridiculously awkward lines with his children (such as "I feel a great sadness in my bosom"). Marge chides them all for laughing at Ned's attempt to apologize to Homer for the argument they had earlier and leaves the room... to hold back her own laughter.
- Homer declaring a golf shot as impossible. "Jack Nicholson himself couldn't make it!" (as opposed to Jack Nicklaus).
- Lisa using her knowledge of geometry to show Bart where to aim a putt. "I'm impressed Lis. You actually found a practical use for geometry."
20. - "Bart vs. Thanksgiving"
- Bart passes out in the gutter after donating blood on the bad side of town (and using Homer's driver's license to get away with it).
- During Bart's over-the-top Imagine Spot of the family rejecting his apology, they start blaming him for everything. "It's your fault America lost its way!"
- When the family talk about Bart's stubborn refusal to apologise to Lisa, Abe comments that Homer was never stubborn. "He always folded instantly over everything. It was as if he had no will of his own. Isn't that true, Homer?" "Yes Dad."
- After finding out Bart has run away, Homer gets on the phone. "Hello, Operator! Give me the number for 911!" Matt Groening himself once considered this as being the stupidest thing Homer's ever done.
- Homer's Thanksgiving prayer turns into a mournful Self-Deprecation about the family.Selma: Worst prayer yet.
- After Homer repeatedly fails to light the fireplace, Lisa's centerpiece is later thrown into it, and instantly sets the whole thing alight. Though it's also one of the most emotional points in the episode, Abe delivers one hell of a Mood Killer to the horrific incident:Abe: Hey, that got her going.
21. - "Bart the Daredevil"
- Homer and Bart want to go see Truckasaurus, forgetting that the only night it's on is Lisa's first recital. Marge points out that there's probably enough time to do both. At the start of the concert, Skinner says the children will be playing Schubert's Unfinished Symphony. Homer declares "This shouldn't take long".
- By the end, Homer's so impatient to leave he's actually sneaked on stage, and picks Lisa up, only briefly returning her to let her bow to the audience. While he's still holding her.
- Lance Murdock's failed stunt. He successfully jumps over a large tank of water full of sharks, electric eels, piranhas, alligators, and a lion (all put under a frenzy by a drop of Murdock's blood) but as he rests his bike at the top of the landing ramp and waves to the crowd he falls in. Then he tried to climb over the side, almost makes it and is pulled back in by the lion.Bart: Bitchin'!
- Homer successfully stops Bart from jumping Springfield Gorge. However, he is standing on Bart's skateboard and rolls down the ramp where he is launched into the air over the big gap. All the kids gasp as he begins the jump.Homer: I'm gonna make it. I'M GONNA MAKE IT! THIS IS THE GREATEST THRILL OF MY LIFE! I'M KING OF THE WORLD! WOO-HOO! WOO-HOO! I— (yelling) WHAAAAH!
- He falls down the gorge, hitting the rocky side multiple times along the way. When he lands at the bottom, the skateboard lands on Homer's head. The rescue workers inadvertently cause Homer to hit his head a few times on the way up. Being injured, Homer is put onto a stretcher and into an ambulance. It starts to drive away and it hits a tree; Homer rolls out of the ambulance and falls back down the gorge.
- Even better: Years later, in The Movie, Homer and Bart go back to that location on a motorcycle in the climax and the ambulance is still there.
- The short scene immediately after shows Homer in the hospital bed next to daredevil Lance Murdock, saying one of the best lines in the show's history.Homer: You think you've got guts? Try raising my kids.
- This gem from Bart and Otto, when he hears about Bart's planned stunt:Otto: You know Bart, as the only adult here, I feel like I should say something.
22. - "Itchy & Scratchy & Marge"
- Maggie knocks out Homer in a parody of the shower scene from Psycho.
- Homer calling in sick. "You heard me. I won't be in for the rest of the week. (beat) I told you. My baby beat me up. (beat) Oh, it is not the worst excuse I ever thought up.
- "AND THE HORSE I RODE IN ON!?"
- During Marge's protest, she asks if anyone can sympathize with her about her daughter (Maggie) hitting her husband (Homer) on the head with a mallet. She gets chants from several fathers with bandages on their heads.
- Roger Meyers asks his staff for suggestions about dealing with Marge. The suggestions he gets are, "Drop an anvil on her?", "Hit her on the head with a piano?" and "Stuff her full of TNT, then throw a match down her throat and run?"Roger Meyers: ... (with disgust) You people and your fancy college degrees.
- One of the show's eventual retaliations? Make a cartoon where a curmudgeonly blue haired squirrel nags Itchy and Scratchy for their violence, before getting decapitated in an Enemy Mine by the two.Homer: (laughing hysterically) Take that, ya dumb squirrel!
- At breaking point, Meyers and the studio ask Marge what she thinks Itchy & Scratchy should do instead of horribly killing one another. She suggests they share lemonade. Meyers stares at the animatics on the wall for a long time before finally declaring, in the most neutral tone possible "that's... different."
23. - "Bart Gets Hit by a Car"
- Smithers stop checks on Bart after he has been hit by the car:Smithers: Uh-oh. I, uh I think the boy's hurt!
Mr. Burns: Oh, for crying out loud! Just give him a nickel, and let's get going.
- As Bart ends up in Hell, he tries to protest his innocence, so Satan decides to check up on his record:Satan: (sitting by his computer) Okay, let's just pull up your file here... (mumbles) Ah! Hmm... Seems to be a mistake. According to this you're not due here until the next time the Yankees win the penant; that's nearly a century from now. Ha, ha, ha! Boy, is my face red.
- As Bart is then slowly coming back to life from his near-death experience:Bart: (as he hovers upwards) Um, say, is there anything I can do to avoid coming back here?
Satan: Oh, sure, yeah! But... Eh, you wouldn't like it.
Bart: Oh, okay. See you later then!
Satan: Goodbye, Bart! Remember: Lie, cheat, steal, and listen to Heavy Metal music!
Bart: (enthusiastically) Yes, sir!
- As Bart is then slowly coming back to life from his near-death experience:
- When the Simpsons' demand of a million dollars in damages arrives at Mr. Burns' office, he calls for Homer to be fired. Smithers cautions him against it:Smithers: Uhm, do you think that is wise, Mr. Burns? Think of the headlines!
(cut to Mr. Burns' Imagine Spot)
Headline 1: Burns Fires Ungrateful Employee
Mr. Burns: Eh?
Headline 2: Another Smart Move by Burns
Mr. Burns: Hm?
Headline 3: Hooray for Burns!
Mr. Burns: Oooh!
- Mr. Burns invites Homer and Marge to his home in hopes of making a cash settlement, but first he offers some wine.Mr. Burns: There's plenty more where that came from.
Homer: Mr. Burns, are you trying to get me drunk?
Mr. Burns: Yes.
- When Lionel Hutz is introduced, Homer says that he saw him literally chasing Bart's ambulance.
- The fact that Burns and his lawyer kick off his defense by basically saying "Screw the Rules, I Have Money!"Blue Haired Lawyer: My client has instructed me to remind the court how rich and important he is, and that he is not like other men.
Burns: I should be able to run over as many kids as I want!
- Burns's absurd flashback. Even Smithers isn't impressed.
- The chalkboard gag: "I will not cut corners", followed by several lines of ditto marks.
- Bart making a prank call to Moe's Tavern is funny ("Seymour Butts? Hey everybody, I wanna Seymour Butts!"), but what makes this one notable is that Homer is trying to call Marge at the moment. After Moe angrily hangs up on Bart, Homer comes back and laments "Oh, it was busy."
- When the Simpsons enter the sushi restaurant, the chefs greet them rather loudly, scaring the hell out of them. When a waitress explains that the chefs were just saying hello, Homer turns to the chefs (whose backs are turned) and shouts "HELLO!", scaring them as well.
- Toshiro warning Homer that he may have ingested poison: "No need to panic. There is a map to the hospital on the back of the menu."
- Homer mocking Lisa after he is rushed to the hospital.Homer: "Try something new, Homer. What'll it hurt you, Homer?" I never heard of a poisoned pork chop!
- Homer goes through all Five Stages of Grief in roughly ten seconds.Dr. Hibbert: The first is denial...
Homer: No way! Because I'm not dying!
Dr. Hibbert: ...second is anger...
Homer: Why you little...! (shakes first at Hibbert and yells unintelligibly)
Dr. Hibbert: ...and after that comes fear.
Homer: What's after fear? What's after fear?!
Dr. Hibbert: Bargaining.
Homer: Doc, you gotta get me outta this! I'll make it worth your while!
Dr. Hibbert: Finally, acceptance.
Homer: (completely relaxed) Well, we all gotta go sometime.
Dr. Hibbert: Mr. Simpson, your progress astounds me!
- Homer asking Bart for a man-to-man talk. Bart takes it to mean he's going to get spanked.
- Homer addressing his sleeping children when he believe he only has a few hours left. He tells Maggie to stay sweet, he tells Lisa she'll make him proud, and he tells Bart, "I like your sheets."
25. - "The Way We Was"
- At the beginning, the TV goes dead and Homer and Bart notice that there's still faint signs of life in it and get up close to inspect it.Marge: This is sick! You're staring at a dot!
Homer: (lamenting) She's right! SHE'S RIGHT!
- Bart pretends to gag and choke after Homer and Marge's heart-warming ending.
- Teenaged Homer tells teenaged Barney that he doesn't need English class because he's never going to go to England (funnier still when you realize that Homer would end up in England in the season 15 episode "The Regina Monologues".)
- Abe is well aware of Homer's drinking habits:Abe: Why don't you grab yourself a beer, boy?
Homer: But Dad, I don't drink-
Abe: Cut the crap! (in a mocking voice) "I just collect the cans, Daddy!" Now grab yourself a beer and get me one too!
- Lisa calling out Marge on eating grapes at the supermarket ("THOU SHALT NOT STEAL!"), and then forcing her to ask the cashier to charge her.Cashier: (sighs) Hey! I need a price check on two grapes. That's right, two measley stinkin' grapes! (all while Marge gives a 'are you happy now' look at Lisa, who gives a 'yes I am' look right back)
- Bart taking advantage of the fact they learned about Hell in Sunday School to use the word as much as possible on the ride home. "Bart, you're no longer in Sunday School. Don't swear."Bart: Well, I sure as hell can't say I learned about hell unless I say hell, can't I?
Homer: He has a point there.
- Lisa asks Reverend Lovejoy if it's stealing if a man takes bread to feed his starving family. Lovejoy replies, "Well, it is if he puts anything on it. Jelly, for example."
- Followed by this exchange:Rev. Lovejoy: Now, Lisa, be honest with me. Is your father stealing bread?
Lisa: Maybe. I don't watch him every minute.
- Followed by this exchange:
- Jimbo hasn't shown up much in the series so far, but he shows up three times in this episode - and two out of those three times he's shoplifting in the background! Once in the supermarket, once in the Kwik-E-Mart.
- The opening scene parodying "The Ten Commandments".
27. - "Principal Charming"
- Bart's "Homer Sexual" prank call.Moe: One of you guys has gotta be Homer Sexual!
Homer: Don't look at me.
- Marge reminding Homer of his promise to limit pork to six servings a week. "Marge, I'm only human."
- Homer analysing potential suitors for Selma. He dismisses one guy with "Cons: Complete stranger", and when he looks at a Laramie billboard, it says "Pros: Smoker. Cons: Just a sign." And when he meets with Skinner, it reads "Pros: Uses big words. Dislikes the Boy. Well-groomed. Cons: Possible Homer Sexual".
- Space Mutants V: The Land Down Under. In particular, a man dismissing the violently murdered body of a dingo they found offscreen with "It was probably just a wallaby!"
28. - "Oh Brother, Where Art Thou?"
- As with the Hell scene above, Bart gets away with saying "Bastard" as much as possible after finding out about Homer's long-lost brother. "His parents aren't married, are they? It's a correct word, isn't it?" When Homer admits he has them there (as Herbert was the product of a one-night stand between Abe Simpson [who was single at the time] and a dunk-tank carny who had sex with men for money), Bart starts singing "Bastard, bastard".
- The Shelbyville Orphanage director telling Homer that he can't give out information about his brother's whereabouts, but gives him fairly obvious clues pointing him to Detroit. Homer doesn't get it and resorts to bribery.
- This gem:Herb: I want you to help me design a car. A car for all the Homer Simpsons out there. And I want to pay you $200,000 a year!
Homer: And I want to let you!
- Herb giving Homer a pep talk:Herb: From now on, before you do anything, say to yourself, "If I was ever sure of anything, I'm sure of this." Do you understand?
Homer: (muttering) Sort of.
Herb: Answer me again with self-confidence!
Homer: Sort of!
- Homer's proposed car The Homer is a truly absurd sight.Homer: You know that little ball you put on the aerial so you can find your car in a parking lot? That should be on every car!
- Herb's staff calls up to complain about him; we only hear Herb's side of it. This leads to a bit when he tells them to call back and say the exact opposite of what they said on the first call (with Bart and Lisa listening on speaker phone):Engineer: "Homer Simpson is a... brilliant man with lots of well-thought-out, practical ideas. He's ensuring the financial security of this company. Oh, yes, and his personal hygiene is above reproach."
29. - "Bart's Dog Gets an "F""
- Lisa hitting Bart with a Logic Bomb:Bart: No way! She's faking! If Lisa stays home I'm staying home.
Lisa: If Bart stays home, I'm going to school.
Bart: Fine. Then... Wait a minute, if Lisa goes to school, I go to school. But then Lisa stays home, so I stay home, so Lisa goes to school...
Marge: Lisa, don't confuse your brother like that.
- Homer tries to return his Assassins sneakers, claiming that his dog was bringing him his shoes when they just fell apart in his mouth. "I'm sorry sir, our warranty doesn't cover fire, theft, or acts of dog."
- Homer dictating a newspaper ad to get rid of Santa's Little Helper. "Free to loving home. World's most brilliant dog. Says, 'I love you' on command". The latter claim gets a groan out of Marge.
- Made even funnier because the ad's photo shows Santa about to be strangled by Homer's hands.
- The "Where Are They Now?" Epilogue shows what happened to the dogs after they graduated obedience school.Buddy: Ran away from home.
Lao-Tzu: Ate poisonous toad. Now in coma.
Santa's Little Helper: Bit Bart. Homer didn't care.
30. - "Old Money"
- In the otherwise tearjerking scene after Abe finds out that Bea is dead: "They may say she died from a burst ventricle, but I know she died of a broken heart."
- The entire sequence of everyone pleading their cases to Abe as to why they should get his money.
31. - "Brush with Greatness"
- As the episode opens, Krusty has been broadcasting his show from Mt. Splashmore all week. He leads the live audience in a session of "Kroon Along with Krusty" that serves a shameless plug for the park. It works on the Simpson kids, though, leading to one of the series' funniest Overly Long Gags:Krusty and Kids: [singing] I want to go to Mt. Splashmore
Take me, take me, take me, take me NOW!
NOW, NOW, NOW, NOW, NOW!
Mt. Splashmore, take me there right NOW!
Lisa: This is a rather shameless promotion.
Bart: Hey, it worked on me.
Lisa: Me too.
[Homer is napping on the couch as Bart and Lisa walk up]
Bart, Lisa: Will you take us to Mt. Splashmore?
Homer: [not opening his eyes] No.
Bart, Lisa: Will you take us to Mt. Splashmore?
Homer: [opening his eyes this time] No.
Bart, Lisa: Will you take us to Mt. Splashmore?
[cut to Bart and Lisa following Homer down the hallway]
Bart, Lisa: Will you take us to Mt. Splashmore?
Bart, Lisa: Will you take us to Mt. Splashmore?
Bart, Lisa: Will you take us to Mt. Splashmore?
[cut to the dinner table; Homer is trying to eat, Bart and Lisa aren't touching their food]
Bart, Lisa: Will you take us to Mt. Splashmore?
Bart, Lisa: Will you take us to Mt. Splashmore?
[cut to Bart and Lisa watching TV with Homer on the sofa]
Bart, Lisa: Will you take us to Mt. Splashmore?
Bart, Lisa: Will you take us to Mt. Splashmore?
[cut to Homer taking a shower; Bart and Lisa have pressed their faces against the glass]
Bart, Lisa: Will you take us to Mt. Splashmore?
Bart, Lisa: Will you take us to Mt. Splashmore?
[cut to Homer and Marge lying in bed; Bart and Lisa are standing by Homer's side]
Bart, Lisa: Will you take us to Mt. Splashmore?
Bart, Lisa: Will you take us to Mt. Splashmore?
Homer: [overlapping with the kids] NO!!
Bart, Lisa: Will you take us to Mt. Splashmore?
Homer: [overlapping with the kids again] NO!!
Bart, Lisa: Will you take us to Mt. Splashmore?
Homer: NO- [Marge's eyes open; she pulls her pillow from under her head and puts it around her ears] IF I TAKE YOU WILL YOU TWO SHUT UP AND QUIT BUGGING ME?!
Lisa: Of course!
Bart, Lisa: Will you take us to Mt. Splashmore?
Bart, Lisa: Thanks, Dad!
- Homer's swim trunks have a smiley face across the seat, but when he pulls them on, the smiley face turns to a frowny face.
- We get further evidence that Homer could do with losing some weight as he gets to the car...Marge: Homer, that suit doesn't leave much to the imagination!
[Homer groans as he squeezes into place behind the wheel; his stomach honks the horn]
Homer: Heads up, kids, I'm movin' the seat back.
Lisa: [her knees pressed against her body, muffling her speech] It is back.
- Bart and Lisa enter the turnstiles for H2Whoa, thinking there's no line. Unfortunately, the line goes all the way back to the turnstiles, through a version of M. C. Escher's Ascending and Descending (AKA "the endless staircase"). Fortunately, Bart and Lisa have a way around waiting in line...Bart: Okay, Lis, turn on the waterworks, babe!
Lisa: [begins crying Crocodile Tears] MOMMY! I WANT MY MOMMY!
Bart: [leading a crying Lisa through the line] Step aside, come on! Spread out, spread out, lost kid coming through - look out, fatso. Comin' through, comin' through, pardon me, movin' to the front of the line! [sotto voce] Hey Lis, nice work, babe!
- Homer has a similar ploy to Bart and Lisa: claiming to be a line inspector so that he can push his way to the front of the H2Whoa line. However, while Lisa and Bart have the time of their lives going down the slide, Homer gets stuck halfway down.[Homer's plight is shown on a computer screen at the park's central command centre]
Technician: Hmm. Looks like there's a jam in Delta Sector.
Supervisor: Hmm. Well, it's too big to be human... well, send down a few kids, that should dislodge it.
- But Homer remains stuck fast, and the segment of the slide in which he is stuck has to be removed by crane. The Simpson family are shown watching the story on the news as the anchor estimates Homer's weight to be somewhere between 400 and 500 pounds.
- Homer asks his family if he's "just a little bit overweight", and not to pull any punches. There's an awkward silence before Lisa replies, "Forgive us, Dad, but it takes time to properly sugarcoat a response."
- The guy who delivers donuts to the plant is confused as to why they're piling up.Carl: Homer Simpson went on a diet.
Donut Guy: Oh my god! And I just bought a boat!
- Burns acknowledges that he doesn't hate Marge's nude painting of him, and thanks her for not making fun of his genitalia. "I thought I did."
32. - "Lisa's Substitute"
- Martin: In a sample taken in this very classroom, a state inspector found 1.74 parts per million of asbestos!
Bart: (interrupts Martin) That's not enough! We demand more asbestos! More asbestos! More asbestos!
The rest of the class: (chanting with Bart) MORE ASBESTOS! MORE ASBESTOS! MORE ASBESTOS! MORE ASBESTOS!
- Martin puts up an campaign poster reading "A vote for Bart is a vote for anarchy." Cut to Bart putting up a poster saying exactly the same thing.
- Homer and Bart makes an election poster with the text: "SEX! Now that I have your attention: Vote for Bart!"
- Bart demanding a recount after he loses the election, which results in "One for Martin, two for Martin!"
- Martin posing with a prematurely printed newspaper reading "Simpson Defeats Prince."
- Mr. Bergstrom realising that Mrs. Krabappel is trying to seduce him.
- Bart showing his class a video of Snowball 2 being born and them being grossed out by it.
33. - "The War of the Simpsons"
- As the guests of the house party are going home, Homer lies passed out on his back on the floor, audibly wheezing as he sleeps. Dr. Hibbert has some advice for Marge:Dr. Hibbert: If you want him to live through the night, I suggest you roll him onto his stomach.
Marge: I will, Dr. Hibbert, thank you. Thanks for coming!
Dr. Hibbert: (deadly serious) Remember: I said if!
- When Homer wakes up after his drunken escapades, Marge ushers him into her car, where she puts on a tape with the Mexican Hat Dance and turns up the volume:Marge: I wanna make sure the kids don't hear. When I was young, I always hated knowing my parents were fighting.
(cut back to Bart, Lisa, and Maggie who are staring out the front window with concerned expressions on their faces)
Bart: (forebodingly) They're fighting in the car again...
Lisa: That music always sends a chill down my spine.
- Homer's own memories of the house party.
- Marge: (to Homer) I'm going to church alone today! You're going to stay here and explain to Bart why you scarred him for life!
Homer: (outraged) No, I didn't! I— (hit by the realization) Oh... You meant inside, didn't you?
- Home then tries to talk to Bart:Homer: Now, about last night... You might have noticed daddy acting a little strange and you probably don't understand why...
Bart: (cheerfully) I understand why! You were wasted!
Homer: I admit it! I didn't know when to say "when". I'm sorry it happened, and I just hope you didn't lose a lot of respect for me.
Bart: Dad, I have as much respect for you as I ever did or ever will.
Homer: Awww. (pats Bart's head)
- Home then tries to talk to Bart:
- Grampa tricks the kids into cleaning the house by crying over being a bad babysitter.
- There's a flashback of how Bart scared off his first babysitter: by trying to run her down with the family car.Bart: (sinister) Back for more, eh?
- When Grandpa asks if the kids are sure they're allowed to have coffee, Bart snaps "for the last time, yes!".
- Reverend Lovejoy asks the couples at the retreat to do a trust exercise. Since Homer is absent, Marge asks if she has to do it. "No. Even if your husband was here I wouldn't recommend it."
- The weirdos at the bait shop describe Homer to a patron:Bait shop owner: (referring to General Sherman the catfish) If you ask me, and most people do, he's 100 if he's a day.
Man: Has anyone ever caught him?
Bait shop owner: One man came close. Name of Homer Simpson. Seven feet tall... with arms like tree trunks. And his eyes were like steel, cold and hard. Had a shock of hair, red, like the fires of Hell.
34. - "Three Men and a Comic Book"
- The chalkboard gag: "I will not show off◊", written in a medieval-style font.
- The Comic Book Guy's sarcasm is funnier here than it would be in later episodes.
- Marge tells Homer to check on Bart and his friends, as they're in the treehouse and it's beginning to storm. Homer lazily looks out the window to see them fighting as lightning strikes the tree and says, "They're fine."
- Bart asks the actor who used to play Fallout Boy in the Radioactive Man TV show if the ghost of Radioactive Man's actor, Dirk Richter, haunts the bordello the police found his bullet-riddled body in. Said actor breaks down in tears and tells the audience to leave Richter alone, which just confuses the audience of con goers.
- Bart asks this horribly tasteless question almost immediately after the panel moderator asked the crowd to not bring up Richter's final years.
- Bart trying to get a discount at the convention by "cosplaying" as Bartman. It doesn't work.
- Milhouse is left dangling from the treehouse, with Bart given the choice between saving him or the comic. Milhouse, knowing he's in a rather dubious position right now, melodramatically sobs in hopelessness:Milhouse: I didn't even want the comic! I wanted Carl Yastrzemski with the big sidebu-ur-urns!
- As this happens, Martin, who Bart tied up out of paranoia, makes sure to get in an I Warned You at a disgruntled Bart:Martin: Just so you know, if you hadn't tied me to this chair, I could be saving the comic as we speak.
Bart: (grumbles) Shut up. Shut UP.
35. - "Blood Feud"
- The beginning of the episode has the mayor introduce a sign to keep people informed of what is happening at the nuclear plant and what to do.Radiation Leak = Roll-up windows
Meltdown = Flee City
Core Explosion = Repent Sins
- Homer's reaction to the last one. "Joke's on them. If the core explodes, there's no power to go to that sign."
- Mr. Burns, despite being in bad condition, isn't too thrilled to get help.Smithers: Oh no Mr. Burns! We've got to get a doctor!
Mr. Burns: Absolutely not! No quack sawbones is going to apply his leeches to me. As long as there's an ounce of strength left in me, I.. (faints).
- Smithers desperate action to give his blood to Mr. Burns.Smithers: How long does it to take a sterilize a needle?
Dr. Hibbert: A couple seconds.
Smithers: (rips his shirt and jacket open) Oh skip it! Just leave me enough to get home.
- Homer poses as Mr. Burns at the Springfield Post Office to reclaim a very insulting letter he wrote to him earlier.Homer: (using fake voicenote ) Hello. My name is Mr. Burns. I believe you have a letter for me.
Clerk: OK, Mr. Burns. What's your first name?
Homer: (still using fake voice) ...I don't know!
(cut to Homer and Bart outside the Post Office)
Homer: (sarcastically) Great plan, Bart.
- This comment from Mr. Burns, after reading Homer's letter:Mr. Burns: I could crush him like an ant. But it would be too easy. No, revenge is a dish best served cold. I'll bide my time until... Oh, what the hell, I'll just crush him like an ant.
- Homer's letter to Mr. Burns:Dear Mr. Burns,
I'm so glad you enjoyed my son's blood. And your card was just great. In case you can't tell, I'm being sarcastic. You... Stink! You are a senile, buck-toothed old mummy with bony girl-arms, and you smell like an elephant's butt.
- When Marge tries to calm down Homer when he gets angry about getting only a thank you card from Mr. Burns,Homer: (sincere) Marge, you're my wife and I love you very much. (mocking) But you're living in a world of make-believe. With flowers and bells and leprechauns, and magic frogs with funny little hats.
Bart: Yeah, Mom. We got hosed!
- The scene where Marge demonstrates how well she knows her family. Bart has sixteen permanent teeth and eight baby, Homer's earmuff size is XM (Extra Medium?), and Bart is allergic to butterscotch, imitation butterscotch and glow in the dark monster makeup.
- Homer's mangling of Androcles' Lion, which ends with the lion giving Hercules "this big thing of riches".Bart: How did a lion get rich?
Homer: It was the olden days.
- Marge asks Homer to have one sleep before sending his angry letter at Burns. He agrees, but tells Marge that he won't change his mind. Then we see his dream, which starts with him squeezing his pillow, imagining it as Mr. Burns' neck, transitioning to a bottle of syrup onto some pancakes, and by morning he's happily munching on the pillow.
- Smithers playing the banjo.
36. - "Stark Raving Dad"
- Homer is too lazy to fill out his own psychiatric evaluation form, so he asks Bart to do it for him. Big mistake:Bart: Hey, Dad? "Do you hear voices?"
Homer: (annoyed) Yes, I'm hearing one right now while I'm trying to watch TV!
Bart: (puts a mark on the form) Yes. (to Homer) "Are you quick to anger?"
Homer: Bart! Shut up or I'll shut you up!
Bart: (puts a mark on the form) Yes. (reads from the form) "Do you wet your pants?" (shrugs) Well, even the best of us has the occasional accident... (checks "yes")
- Homer then shows the Bart-filled form to Mr. Burns and Dr. Monroe:
- The mental patient who thinks he's Michael Jackson (with the real Michael Jackson providing his speaking voice; Kipp Lennon did his singing voice on the "Lisa It's Your Birthday" sequence), makes a phone call to Bart, who is understandably incredulous that the person on the other end is Jackson:"Michael": It's true. I'm with your father in a mental institution.
Bart: Uh-huh. And is Elvis with you?
"Michael": He could be. It's a big hospital.
- This bit:Bart: Mom, Dad's in a mental hospital!
Marge: Oh, dear. Mother was right.
- When Michael introduces Homer to The Chief from One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest, saying he hasn't said a word in years.Homer: Hiya Chief!
Chief: Hello. (doctors crowd around him all amazed) ...Well, it's about time someone reached out to me.
- Homer talks to Bart on the telephone as he's in the mental hospital.Homer: (on the phone with Bart) Boy! When I get home I'm gonna wrap my hands around your neck and... (sees asylum doctors looking at him questioningly) ...and smother you with kisses.
Bart: Geez, Dad, whatever they have you on, cut the dose.
- Homer then tells Bart to do some preparations for Michael's visit:Homer: Now make sure we have plenty of cold cuts and put some beer on ice—
"Michael": Um, Homer, I'm a vegetarian, and I don't drink.
Homer: [suspicious] Are you sure you're here voluntarily?
- Marge tries to convince one of the hospital doctors to release Homer.Marge: If you'd just talk to my husband for five minutes without mentioning our son, Bart, you'd realize how sane he is.
Doctor: You mean there really is a Bart?! Good Lord!
- Homer meets Floyd, the "Raimnan" of the institution."Michael": Give him any two numbers and he can multiply them in his head, just like that.
Homer: Okay. Five times nine.
- The rerun edited to include the famous Take That! against George H. W. Bush:Bush: We're going to keep on trying to strengthen the American family; to make American families a lot more like The Waltons and a lot less like the Simpsons.
Bart: Hey! We're just like the Waltons. We're praying for an end to the Depression, too.
37. - "Mr. Lisa Goes to Washington!
- The airplane scene shows Bart in the cockpit.Pilot: The controls on the plane are similar to the ones on your bicycle. So, do you wanna see where we hang up our coats?
Bart: No thanks. I'd rather just push this button.
Pilot: No! (Bart pushes it, oxygen masks fall out of compartments over passengers)
Homer: (screams) We're all gonna die! (passengers scream as the plane lands)
- The Simpsons tour Washington D.C.:
- Visiting the Smithsonian:Homer: (on a balcony seeing money being pressed) Oh, money... (drools)
Worker: (Homer's drool lands on his head) Hey! Watch it, chief!
- The IRS:Marge: Oh look, Homer! It's the IRS.
IRS agent: (peeks out of window) Oh, boo yourself.
- The National Air and Space Museum:(Bart is inside the cockpit of an airplane, pretending to fly it and making sound effects)
Homer: Bart! Get out of the "Spirit of St. Louis!"
(Bart ignores him and continues to make sound effects)
- Visiting the Smithsonian:
- The pianist at the contest annoys Bart so much he finally slingshots him while singing a song about Lisa.Lisa: Bart!
Bart: Lise, you taught me to stand up for what I believe in.
- Homer reading the family a story of wilderness survival:Homer: Then I heard the sound that all Arctic explorers dread... the pitiless bark of the sea lion! (gasp) He'll be killed!
Marge: Homer, he obviously got out alive if he wrote the article.
Homer: Don't be so... (flips page) Oh, you're right.
- Homer asking Faith what VIP stands for - one letter at a time, out of order, and he has to ask about the "I" again.
38. - "When Flanders Failed"
- Bart tries to fight back against Dolph, Jimbo, and Kearney when the trio are harassing Lisa. The trouble is, Bart skipped out on all of his karate lessons and only knows how to do "The Touch of Death" from playing video games.
- Earlier, Bart teases Lisa by threatening "The Touch of Death" on her which makes her scream and run away.Marge: Bart, don't use the Touch of Death on your sister!
39. - "Bart the Murderer"
- Fat Tony "explains" to Bart how hijacking a truckload of cigarettes isn't wrong.Bart: Are you guys crooks?
Fat Tony: Say Bart, is it wrong for a man to steal a loaf of bread to feed his starving family?
Fat Tony: Suppose you have a large starving family. Is it wrong to steal a truckload of bread to feed them?
Fat Tony: And say your family don't like bread, they like... cigarettes.
Bart: I guess that's OK.
Fat Tony: And what if instead of giving them away, you sold them at a price that was practically giving them away. Would that be a crime, Bart?
Bart: ... Hell no!
Fat Tony: Enjoy your gift.
- Chief Wiggum: Fat Tony is a cancer on this fair city. He is the cancer, and I am the... uh... What cures cancer?
- There's a quick moment when Wiggum drops by the Social Club:Fat Tony: Chief Wiggum, you honor us with your presence.
Chief Wiggum: Baloney! I won't rest until one of us is behind bars — you!
- For a fraction of a second, you can see Wiggum realize what he just said before he corrects himself.
- Marge points out that a pizza delivery truck has been parked across the street for two weeks. The surveillance team inside realise their cover is blown and drive off. Soon after, they're replaced by a second van, "Flowers By Irene."
- The hilarious way everyone at court frames Bart as the brains of the operation, when in fact he's only been with Tony's crew for about a week at the most.
- When Fat Tony and his goons corner Skinner in his office, Skinner demands to know how they got past the hall monitors with as much shock as if they were trained security guards.
40. - "Homer Defined"
- As the plant is about to catastrophically melt down, Mr. Burns is putting on an advanced radiation suit (which is clearly labelled "Smithers") while Smithers stands by.Smithers: Sir, where's my radiation suit?
Mr. Burns: (annoyed) Oh, how the hell should I know? (covers the label)
- Also, Smithers says something to Mr. Burns only seconds away from the meltdown.Smithers: There may never be another chance to say: "I love you, sir."
Mr. Burns: Oh, hot dog. Thanks for making my last few moments on Earth socially awkward.
- Burns claims that "Meltdown" is one of those annoying buzzwords. "We prefer to call it an unrequested fission surplus."
41. - "Like Father, Like Clown"
- During the chalkboard gag - "I will finish what I start" - Bart runs out of the classroom mid-sentence.
- This exchange:Lisa: We've come to talk to you about your son.
Rabbi Krustofski: I Have No Son!! (slams the door)
Bart: Rats. We came all this way and it's the wrong guy.
Rabbi Krustofski: (opens door) I didn't mean that literally! (slams door again)
- Lisa: A man that envies our family is a man in need of help.
- Homer's reaction to hearing how Krusty's father disowned him.Homer: Boy, you don't have to follow in my footsteps.
Bart: Don't worry. I don't even like using the bathroom after you.
Homer: Why you little—!
- During the montage of Bart trying to persuade Rabbi Krustofski to reconcile with his son, he shows up in the middle of a circumcision. "Sorry, my friend, I'm still not convinced. And this is hardly the time or place to discuss it."
- Bart dresses up as a Hasidic Jew for a lot of those conversations. After yet another failure, he comes home, slumps into a chair, and says, "Oy, this guy's tough!"
42. - "Treehouse of Horror II"note
- Jimbo and Kearney threaten to egg Homer's house if Homer doesn't give them any candy — and they still egg the house just because they're jerks.
A. - The Monkey's Pawnote
- Homer tries to make a wish that can't backfire with the monkey's paw.Homer: I wish for a turkey sandwich on rye bread with lettuce and mustard and and I don't want any zombie turkeys, I don't want to turn into a turkey myself, and I don't want any other weird surprises. You got it?
(a turkey sandwich appears and Homer takes a bite of it)
Homer: Not bad. Nice hot mustard, good bread, the turkey's a little dry— (horrified) The turkey's a little dry! Oh, foul accursed thing! What demon from the depths of hell created thee?!
- After Lisa wishes for world peace - "Lisa, that was very selfish of you!" - Kang and Kodos invade the now disarmed world, armed with clubs and slingshots. "Your superior intellect is no match for our puny weapons!" After Ned takes the paw and wishes to get rid of them, away, they get chased off by Moe. "AHH! He's got a board... with a nail in it!"
- The aliens then assure themselves that humanity is on the path to self-destruction due to escalating weaponry, in the form of increasingly larger boards and nails.
- Ned Flanders getting the Monkey's Paw and all of his wishes going well (for now) elicits this response from Homer.Homer: (petulant) I wish I had a monkey's paw!
- "Well, now that I've saved the world maybe I oughta spruce-up the ol' homestead!"
B. - The Bart Zonenote
- Bart's class is taught different material in school.Edna: Well, class, the history of our country has been changed again, to correspond with Bart's answers on yesterday's test. America was now discovered in 1942 by "some guy", and our country isn't called America anymore. It's Bonerland.
- And then later in the episode the sign on Dr. Marvin Monroe's door proclaims him to be a member of the Bonerland Medical Association.
- "Oh, good! The curtains are on fire!"
- Bart punishes Homer for refusing to change the channel from a football game that he had a bet on, by transporting him out of the room. We then hear this from the TV: "The kick is up... It's looking good! The ball is turning into a fat, bald guy! And it's no good! And you know what we say every time something strange happens— it's good that Bart did that! It's very good!" All said in football announcer-speak.
- And then the channel changes:Krusty: Well, we're still on. 346 consecutive hours, and all because of one little boy who... who WON'T LET ME STOP!! Anyway, now let's go over and see if Sideshow Mel has any more of those legal, over-the-counter wake-up drugs of his!
- And then the channel changes:
- Otto's reaction to Bart driving the bus:Otto: Hey, this is fun, isn't it?! We're gonna die, aren't we?!
- Bart prank calls Moe, "Hey everybody! I'm a Stupid Moron With An Ugly Face, And A Big Butt, And My Butt Smells, And I Like To Kiss My Own Butt!" Then he says "wait a minute..." in the same tone as usual, implying that Bart didn't use his powers to make Moe repeat that statement and that Moe was actually tricked.
- Bart changes Homer back into a human after they bond and sharing a lot of heartwarming moments... and then Bart wakes up from his dream screaming his head off.
C. - If I Only Had a Brainnote
- Homer gets a job as a grave digger... on the night that Mr. Burns and Smithers are searching for a brain to implant into their new robot. They found Homer asleep in the grave he was digging, assuming he's dead.Mr. Burns: Hello! An open grave! Smithers, get him out quickly; the stench is overpowering.
Smithers: Uh, sir? That's Homer Simpson... (scoff) he wasn't exactly a "model employee."
Mr. Burns: Well, who is a model...(Death Glare) employee?
(Smithers' head vanishes, replaced with just a floating brain wearing glasses)
Smithers: (panicking) Simpson will do just fine, sir!
(Smithers drags the bag with Homer in it over rocks, etc., making him moan in pain, presumably waking up)
Smithers: Did you hear that, sir?
Mr. Burns: No, I didn't. Who is it? Frankenstein? The booger man?!
Smithers: It's the man in the bag, sir; I think he's alive!
Mr. Burns: Oh. (walks over to the bag, wielding a shovel) Bad corpse! *thwack* Bad corpse! '*thwack* Stop! *thwack* Scaring! *thwack* Smithers! (Homer whimpers inside the bag, now out cold) Satisfied?
Smithers: Thank you, sir.
- Mr. Burns is removing Homer's brain from his head so it can be placed into the robot.Mr. Burns: Smithers, hand me that ice cream scoop.
Smithers: Ice cream scoop?
Mr. Burns: Damn it, Smithers! This isn't rocket science, it's brain surgery!
- Burns wearing Homer's brain on his head. "Look at me! I'm Davy Crockett!"
- Burns' reaction after the robot activates. "It's alive! Oh, that fellow at Radio Shack said I was mad! Well, who's mad now?!"
- After putting Homer's brain back in his body and confirming that he was alive to begin with. "Oh, you're right, Smithers. I guess I owe you a Coke."
- Burns describing his symptoms, after the robot fell on top of him:"Every bone... shattered. Organs... leaking vital fluids. Slight headache. Loss of appetite."
43. - "Lisa's Pony"
- The number of people Lisa called about buying a new saxophone reed before Homer: Marge, Ned Flanders, Patty, Selma, Dr. Hibbert, Reverend Lovejoy and "that nice man who caught the snake in our basement."
- Bart performs a "Boy of 1,000 Voices" act at the talent show, which makes him the boy with 1,000 daysnote detention.
- One boy's act is an a capella performance of "My Ding-A-Ling". Skinner hastily yanks him off the stage before he can finish the refrain."THIS ACT IS OVER!"
- Homer hints around the idea of purchasing a horse (for Lisa) to Marge right before they go to sleep.Marge: You sound like you're going to buy a pony. Promise me you won't.
Marge: What was that? Was that a "yes" or a "no"?
Marge: (angrily) Those aren't even words!
(Marge groans and shuts off the light; Homer grins happily in the dark)
- Milhouse watches Bart as he mocks Homer's effeminate mannerisms at Lisa's tea-party. Homer sees the boys and angrily chases them down.
- Homer is tired from working the graveyard shift at the Kwik-E-Mart. On the drive home, he has a sleep deprivation-induced hallucination, and when the animation returns to "reality", we see he has driven through a fence without noticing. He pulls into the garage, taking out the mailbox on the way and crashing into the front wall, demolishing a shelving unit. As he gets out of the car, a circular saw falls onto his head; he barely flinches and simply walks upstairs to the bedroom where he falls asleep for less than 2 seconds. As the alarm clock rings, Homer shuts it off and immediately gets back up.Marge: Homie, how long do you plan to do this?
Homer: I dunno, how long do horses live?
Marge: Thirty years.
Homer: (wearily) D'oh...
- Lisa barely eats any of the humongous ice cream sundae Homer bought her.Lisa: I'm done.
Homer: Aww, that cost $88!
- This dialogue:Mr. Burns: (laughs evilly, then quickly coughs when he realizes he is being noticed) I was just thinking of something funny Smithers did.
Smithers: I didn't do anything funny today.
Mr. Burns: (whispers) Shut. up.
- And this:Bart: Hey, how come Lisa gets a pony?
Homer: Because she stopped loving me.
Bart: I don't love you either, so give me a moped!
Homer: And I know you love me, so you don't get squat.
- Homer explains to Marge about his new job, in another room so the kids wouldn't hear.(cut to the kids at the kitchen table, they hear a loud thump)
Bart: Oh my God, she killed him!
(the kids run to the living room and see Homer asleep)
- "First you didn't want me to get the pony, now you want me to take it back. Make up your mind!"
44. - "Saturdays of Thunder"
- Bart initially makes his first cart, complete with Homer's absolute obliviousness as to why his son is asking for power tools, capped off by him yelling "BART! You can't weld with such a little flame! Stupid kid." as he and Lisa leave for the video store.
- The race official who sees Li'l Lightnin' and tells Bart, "Your father's not supposed to help build the racer, but you could at least consult him about it."
- Martin crashes into the wall and catches fire during the soap box derby race. A rescue crew puts out the fire on the racer as Martin runs screaming.
- Barney gets pepper-sprayed after asking Patty and Selma if either of them is Mary Tyler Moore (who was the basis for one of their haircuts). His cries of pain interspersed with drunken burps can be amusing.
- Nelson is told not to smoke in the pit area and he extinguishes the cigarette using his tongue.
- The sheer out-of-nowhere bizarreness that is the "Underwater Parenting" test and its shark-induced failure.
- A conversation Homer has with his brain:Homer (reading): Cosby's First Law of Inter-generational Perversity: No matter what you tell your child to do, he will always do the opposite. Huh?
Homers brain: Don't you get it!? You gotta use reverse psychology!
Homer: Well, that sounds too complicated.
Homers brain: Okay, don't use reverse psychology.
Homer: All right, I will!
45. - "Flaming Moe's"
- The Flaming Moe song, a parody of "Where Everybody Knows Your Name" complete with animation in the art style of the Cheers opening credits:♪When the weight of the world has got you down
And you want to end your life
Bills to pay, a dead end job
And problems with the wife
But don't throw in the towel cause there's
A place right down the block
Where you can drink your miseries away
At Flaming Moe's (let's all go Flaming Moe's)
Where Liquor in a mug
Can warm you like a hug
And happiness is just a Flaming Moe away
Happiness is just a Flaming Moe away♪
- Homer exaggerates what Marge tells him in the bedroom.Marge: Homer, maybe you can take some consolation in the fact that something you created is making so many people happy.
Homer: Oh, look at me! I'm making people happy! I'm the magical man, from Happyland! In a gumdrop house on Lollipop Laaaaaaane! (storms out, then sticks his head back in) Oh, by the way, I was being sarcastic!
Marge: Well, duh.
- Marge's expression during the whole scene, clearly she doesn't appreciate him being a dick about it.
- Bart's prank call to Flaming Moe's backfires.Moe: Hugh Jass? Oh, somebody check the men's room for a Hugh Jass.
Hugh Jass: Uh, I'm Hugh Jass.
Hugh: (takes it) Hello, this is Hugh Jass.
Bart: Uh, hi.
Hugh: Who's this?
Bart: Bart Simpson.
Hugh: What can I do for you, Bart?
Bart: Uh, look, I'll level with you, mister. This is a crank call that sorta backfired, and I'd like to bail out right now.
Hugh: All right. Better luck next time. (hangs up) What a nice young man.
- Frink trying to figure out the secret ingredients to the Flaming Moe.Frink: The secret ingredient is... LOVE?! Who's been screwing with this thing?!
46. - "Burns Verkaufen der Kraftwerk"note
- Homer's Dream Sequence in "The Land of Chocolate" is an absolute classic. Just the sheer childlike joy he radiates as he munches on everything in sight (including a chocolate Scottish terrier) is enough to induce helpless giggling.(Homer is still singing to himself and daydreaming)
Hans: Mr. Simpson...? Mr. Simpson!
Homer: (snapping out) Huh!? ...Ohhoho, I'm sorry. We were talking about chocolate?
Fritz: Zat vas ten minutes ago!
- Mr. Burns' reaction to the amount of money he'll get by selling the plant.
- Burns' prolonged routine of pretending to be scared of the Germans, as they stand there and ineffectually tell him to stop.
- Homer's line of "I own stock?!?" after his stock broker calls him.
- Smithers listening to an audiotape to learn Sycophantic German. "You looken sharpen todayen, mein herr."
- "We regret to announce the following layoffs, which I will read in alphabetical order. Simpson, Homer. That is all."
- Immediately after Bart makes a prank call - "Come on, guys, do I have a Bea O'Problem here?" - Marge sends him to Moe's to collect Homer. When Bart nervously walks in and tells one of the barflies that he's looking for Homer, Moe realises he knows that voice - as little Bart Simpson. "I haven't seen you in years!"
47. - "I Married Marge"
- Barnacle Bill's Home Pregnancy Test. "Ahoy mateys, if the water turns blue, a baby for you. If purple ye see, no baby thar be." It turns pink. "If the test should fail, to a doctor set sail."
- Homer and Marge leave the cinema after seeing The Empire Strikes Back.Homer: Wow, what an ending! Who'd have thought Darth Vader was Luke Skywalker's father?
(everyone in line starts complaining)
Man waiting to see the film: Oh thank you, Mr. Blow-the-Picture-for-Me!
- Marge and Dr. Hibbert looking at the ultrasound, in which Bart turns away from the screen. "If I didn't know better, I'd swear he was trying to moon us."
- Homer shooting down Marge's name suggestions because of potential insults, but misses an obvious one that would rhyme with Bart. Note that if he had one extra finger, he would have caught it.
- But since no one has ever made fun of Bart's name, Homer made the right choice.
- Baby Bart's first act of random destruction is setting Homer's tie on fire.Homer: WHY YOU LITTLE— He did that on purpose!
Marge: Homer, how could he? He's only ten minutes old!
- Dr. Hibbert's horrified reaction upon learning Homer's now a nuclear technician.
- Homer yells, "D'oh!" (and a man in traction shares in his pain) after Dr. Hibbert implies that Marge is pregnant.
- "Simpson huh? I'll remember that name."
48. - "Radio Bart"
- At the very beginning, Homer gets Distracted by the Sexy on a show Lisa's imitating, and she asks him for money. He hands her a huge wad of cash.Lisa: Dad, this is $110!
Homer: (still distracted) Oh, sorry. (hands her his entire wallet) Here you go.
(Lisa hurries off with the wallet)
- During the commercial break, Homer sees an ad for the Superstar Celebrity Microphone and thinks it could be a good birthday present for Bart.Announcer: But order now, supplies are limited!
Homer: Limited?! (quickly dials the phone) Do you have any of those microphones left?!
Telephone Operator: (sitting in a warehouse stacked to the roof with the microphones) Uhhh, yeah a couple.
- Bart sticks a "Property of Bart Simpson" label on Homer's butt after Homer tells Bart not to use the microphone/radio set for pranks. A very nice visual stealth pun of the phrase, "Your ass is mine" (or "...belongs to me.")
- After Bart falls down the well, Homer and Marge are interviewed.Homer: It's not our fault. We didn't want the boy. He was an accident.
Homer: Um, could you edit that last part?
Kent: Mr. Simpson, we're live coast to coast.
- The poorly programed robots at Wall E. Weasel's.Weasel: Hey there, I hear it's your birthday. How old are you?
Bart: Well, I'm-
Weasel: That's great! Would you like us to sing you a special song?
Bart: Hell no.
Weasel: You got it! Ready, Signor Beaverotti?
Beaverotti: I'm-a ready. And-a one, and-a two...
Animals: (singing, badly) You're the birthday, you're the birthday, you're the birthday boy or girl...
- Once Bart gets stuck down the well, none of the police can help because they're all too fat. Cue Chief Wiggum yelling at them.Wiggum: Look at you! You're a bunch of marshmallows.
Cop: Why aren't you going down the well, chief?
Wiggum: (taken aback) Oh, you know... because I'm too f... important.
[The officers scoffed]
- The cliffhanger before the last commercial break has the diggers discovering the canary is dead and fleeing out of the hole, screaming. After the break, it turns out the canary died of natural causes and they all run back into the hole, still screaming.
- Jasper's reaction to everyone trying to save Bart: "It's an old-fashioned hole digging! By gum, it's been a while."
- Homer opens two Neapolitan ice cream tubs in the freezer to find that all the chocolate is gone while the vanilla and strawberry are untouched. He then asks Marge to get some more, instead of just asking for a tub of chocolate.
- "Sting!" It's funny to consider that even this early in the series, Bart is completely unfazed by celebrity appearances.
49. - "Lisa the Greek"
- Smooth Jimmy Apollo, a professional football prognosticator who's right 52% of the time.Jimmy: When you're right 52% of the time, you're wrong 48% of the time.
Homer: Why didn't you say that before?!
- Chief Wiggum using Moe's little black book (for illegal betting) as a bar coaster.
- Homer and Lisa betting on one match:Lisa: I'd bet my entire college fund on it.
Homer: You got it (picks up the phone and calls Moe.) Moe, $23 on New York!
- The lame Super Bowl half-time show, which just consists of guys in alien costumes singing "Rock Around the Clock".Bart: Oh, this sucks. Come on, snipers, where are you?
50. - "Homer Alone"
- "Look, lady, this had better be g—" "ROARGHARORGH!!" Extra points for the flecks of spittle Marge sprays on her car window.
- Mr. Teeny spills his chocolate ice cream and starts pushing buttons in Krusty's car. Krusty is appropriately pissed off:Krusty: Mr. Teeny, stop fiddling with the buttons or-oh, now you've gotten chocolate all over everything!
- Homer gets attacked by Santa's Little Helper while trying to cheer Maggie up with a puppet show.
- The subplot of Bart and Lisa being left with Patty and Selma while Marge is on vacation is a goldmine of hilarity.
- When Patty and Selma first come to collect the kids, Bart and Lisa have their faces pressed against the window glass with expressions of absolute terror. But this is nothing compared to Maggie's reaction; she grabs onto the front door frame of the house and holds on for dear life. Lisa says, "Wish I'd thought of that."
- Later, we see Bart and Lisa having lunch: tongue sandwiches, with drink options including clamato, Mr. Pibb, and soy milk.Lisa: That's all right. [yawns] I think I'll just hit the hay.
Selma: It's 12:30 in the afternoon!
Lisa: [glumly] I'm aware of the time.
Selma: Hmm. Lisa, you'll sleep in my bed. Bart, you'll be sleeping with your Aunt Patty.
Bart: [uneasily] ... in your bed?
Patty: Uh-huh. Oh, and I should warn you, I'm told I snore. [she chuckles; Bart and Lisa grab each other's hand under the table] Ooh, Divorce Court is on in five minutes! [she and Selma leave]
Bart: Lisa, I'm scared!
Lisa: You think you know fear? Well, I've seen them naked!
- Having gone to bed but not to sleep, Bart is rummaging through his aunts' closet...Lisa: [sitting up in Selma's bed] Bart, you shouldn't be looking through other people's things. [but even she can't deny her curiosity] Find anything good?
Bart: I've said it before, and I'll say it again: [holds up an enormous brassiere] AY CARAMBA! [drops the bra, then finds what looks like a small pistol] Hey, Lis! [pretends to fire the gun] Bang! Bang!
Lisa: Bart, that's a blackhead gun!
Bart: EWWWW! [drops it as though scalded by it]
- When Homer finally recovers Maggie after she ran away in the middle of the night to find Marge, he stops by to pick up the other two on his way to meet Marge at the train station. He runs into Selma and Patty's apartment building... and exits much more slowly, with Bart and Lisa hanging onto his ankles for dear life. With two swift kicks, he launches them into the back seat of the car.
51. - "Bart the Lover"
- After Todd Flanders swears at dinner, Ned calls Reverend Lovejoy who is about to eat his dessert:Ned: Sorry to bother you, Rev. Lovejoy, but I'm kind of in a tizzy. My son Todd just told us he didn't want to eat his damn vegetables.
Lovejoy: Well, you know kids and vegetables. What was it? Asparagus?
Ned: No, no, Reverend, the point is, he said a bad word!
Lovejoy: Oh, oh, right, yeah. Well, kids usually pick these things stuff up from someplace. Find out who's doing it and... direct them to the Bible.
Ned: Where in the Bible?
Lovejoy: Uh... Page 900. (hangs up)
Ned: But Rever-
Lovejoy: (looks down at his dessert, which has melted) Damn Flanders.
- Homer makes contributions to the Swear Jar; every time he swears, he has to put in a quarter. This starts a montage of scenes in which he can't control his swearing:(in church, Homer blindly puts money into a collection plate)
Bart: Homer, that was a 20!
Homer: (pause) DA—!
(Jump Cut to him dropping two coins into the jar)
(while bowling, the last pin fails to fall over)
Homer: Oh, you son of a—!
(Jump Cut to him dropping more change into the jar)
(Homer sees Ned Flanders after being suggested by Homer to shave his mustache while taking out the trash)
Ned: Hey Homer! You know, I owe you one, buddy! No sooner than I shaved off the ol' cookie-duster than a lady cast me in a commercial! (checks mail) I tell you, the way these checks keep coming it, it's almost criminal.
Homer: (after Ned walks away) YOU DIRTY BAS—!
(Jump Cut to him dropping even more change into the jar)
(Homer finishes building a very shoddy dog house. It doesn't have a door)
Homer: Whaddya think, Lisa?
Lisa: How's the dog supposed to get in?
Homer: Well, he just goes...(pause) Awwwwww—
(Jump Cut to him dropping still more change into the jar)
(Homer is asleep in a hammock. Out of nowhere, a beehive falls down and on to his stomach)
(Jump Cut to a badly stung hand dropping a huge pile of change into the jar)
- A little later, Homer is building the doghouse and smacks his thumb with a hammer.Homer: Oh. Fudge. That's... broken. (he turns around and steps on a nail, which goes through his foot and sticks out of the top of his shoe) Fiddle-dee-dee. That will require a tetanus shot. I'm not going to swear, but I am going to... KICK THIS DOGHOUSE DOWN! (he does just that, with his injured foot)
- Homer and Marge discussing the terms of when he has to use the Swear Jar.Homer: What if I hit my hand?
Marge: Yes, Homer.
Homer: What if I light myself on fire?
Marge: No, Homer.
Homer: What if I see something really weird in the sky?
Marge: Yes, Homer.
Homer: What about when we snuggle?
Marge: (pauses to think about it) That's okay.
- Homer and Marge discussing the terms of when he has to use the Swear Jar.
- The whole family composes a letter to Mrs. Krabappel explaining why "Woodrow" (a fake man Bart made up to screw with her after he saw her personal ad) can't see her again. They come up with a lot of rejected ideas. Bart's and Homer's are the funniest ones, from Bart suggesting that "an alligator bit off my face," - Marge points out this is disgusting, and that if she really loved him it wouldn't matter if an alligator bit off his face, which Homer says he may hold her to — to Homer repeatedly pitching "3 simple words: I am gay."Marge: Homer, for the last time, I'm not writing that!
- Homer's drunken post card:Maybe it's the beer talking Marge, but you've got a butt that won't quit. They've got these big chewy pretzels here eegaaafooa beer $5? Get outta here...
- After Bart accidentally breaks the class fish tank, Mrs Krabappel looks at the yo-yo in the tank and follows the string to Bart's finger. "I didn't do it."
- Bart imagines teasing a tiny Edna with a yo-yo.Edna: Bart, if I were you and you were me, would you give the yo-yo back?
Bart:' (after the imagine spot) Absolutely!
52. - "Homer at the Bat"
- Barney Gumble gets into an argument with Wade Boggs.Barney: And I say England's greatest Prime Minister was Lord Palmerston!
Wade Boggs: Pitt the Elder!
Barney: LORD PALMERSTON!
Boggs: PITT! THE! ELDER!
Barney: Okay, you asked for it, Boggs! [he punches out Boggs]
Moe: Yeah, that's showin' 'im, Barn! (Dismissively) 'Pitt the Elder'...
Barney: LORD PALMERSTON! (he punches out Moe)
- The professional players go through mishaps, including what happens to Ozzie Smith.
- Jose Canseco saves a baby from a house fire. He then gets sent back in to save a cat. He then gets sent back in to save a player piano. This goes on for several hours, and apparently no one bothers to call the fire department. "The drier goes on the right."
- Mr. Burns constantly getting on Don Mattingly for sideburns only he can see. Even after Mattingly completely shaves both sides of his head, Burns still claims to see them and boots him off the team despite already having lost seven other ringers.Mattingly: I still like him better than [George] Steinbrenner.
- The hypnotist scene:Hypnotist: (waving a watch back and forth) You are all very good players.
Players: (in unison) We are all very good players.
Hypnotist: You will beat Shelbyville.
Players: We will beat Shelbyville.
Hypnotist: You will give 110%.
Players: That's impossible. No one can give more than 100%. By definition, that is the most anyone can give.
- Later in the episode, it is revealed that the hypnotist made Roger Clemens think he is a chicken. When Burns confronts him about it, the hypnotist hypnotizes Burns into thinking he did a good job.
- Homer wins the game for his team by getting hit in the head with the baseball. Then there's the team's victory photo (which closes out the episode). We see the professional players all reflecting their predicaments (such as Ozzie Smith being a ghost, and Ken Griffey Jr. and his gigantism), and an unconscious Homer lying down face-first.
- The Umpire explaining the rules when the SNPP plays the Springfield Police.Umpire: Ok, let's go over the ground rules. You can't leave first until you chug a beer. Any man scoring has to chug a beer. You have to chug a beer at the top of all odd-numbered innings. Oh, and the fourth inning is the beer inning.
Chief Wiggum: Hey, we know how to play softball!
- Burns' initial plan for hiring ringers for the softball team, all of whom had been retired and dead for decades. "In fact, your right fielder has been dead for 130 years."
- Marge records Homer at the game, even though he's benched. She turns the camera away when he starts scratching himself.Marge: Kids, tell me when your father stops scratching himself. (*Beat*) Kids?Bart: We'll tell you, mom.
53. - "Separate Vocations"
- During a montage of Bart acting as Hall Monitor, he proves to Principal Skinner that Nelson wrote a note from his mother excusing his absence.Seymour: Forgery! So he didn't have leprosy.
- The very specific questions of the aptitude test:Mrs. Krabappel: (reading off test) "Question 1: My favorite animal is a) a carpenter ant, b) a nurse shark, or c) a lawyer bird."
- When Principal Skinner offers Bart a position as Hall Monitor after hearing of him pursuing a career as a policeman, Bart imagines himself appearing on a courtroom tv broadcast with his face censored and his voice altered to sound like Steve AllenBlue-Haired Lawyer: Now, Witness X... would you please tell the court what you saw?Bart: [in Steve Allens voice] I'd be more than happy to. I saw Mr. Montone there... seal Mr. Palaccio in an oil drum... and roll him off the pier.Mr. Montone: [pulls out a knife in anger] I KILL YOU!! [lunges at Bart, grabbing by the shirt color, about to stab him]
54. - "Dog of Death"
- This conversation between Mr. Burns and Smithers.Smithers: People like dogs, Mr. Burns.
Mr. Burns: Nonsense, dogs are idiots. Think about it Smithers, if I came into your room and started sniffing at your crotch and slobbering all over your face, what would you say?
Smithers: Umm...if you did it, sir?
- Kent Brockman wins the lottery on the air during the newscast.Kent: [reading his numbers] 38? 49? Oh my God. I won. I WON!!!! AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! [spins around in his chair] Ahem. Recapping our top story, the winner of the state lottery is... me, Kent Brockman. Can we get a shot of me? [an image Kent spinning around in his chair is posted] There ya go. In other news... [clearly disinterested] Tragic mishap today in Cleveland... Many people killed... Ummmm... Goodbye! [runs off]
- Homer and Marge discuss about Kent Brockman.
- Homer has an Imagine Spot of what would happen if he won the lottery. Somehow, he thinks winning the lottery will result in him becoming gigantic, golden, covered in jewels, and being made King of Springfield.
- Upon losing the lotteryGrampa: Sigh, I knew we wouldn't win...
Homer: Well, why didn't you tell the rest of us? (beat) WHY DID YOU KEEP IT A SECRET?!
- This gem when the family are deciding how to save the money for Santa's Little Helper's operation.Homer: I've figured out an alternative to giving up my beer. Basically, we become a family of traveling acrobats.
Marge: Homer, I don't think you've thought this through.
- The closing disclaimer: "No dogs were harmed in the filming of this episode. A cat got sick, and somebody shot a duck, but that's it."
- When Homer brings up "Doggy Heaven", Bart asks if there's a Doggy Hell.Homer: "Well (looks thoughtful for a split second) of course! There couldn't be a Heaven if there weren't a Hell!"Bart: "Who's in there?"Homer: "Oh, Hitler's dog and that dog Nixon had. What's his name? Uh, Chester?"Lisa (glaring) "Checkers!"Homer: "Yeah! One of the Lassies is in there, too! (uncertain) The mean one! The one that mauled Timmy!"
- Homer puts up fliers on the wall of a building that's about to be demolished.
55. - "Colonel Homer"
- Homer's annoying interruptions while watching The Stockholm Affair:Homer: I think that guy's a spy.
Marge: Well of course he's a spy! You just saw him go through spy school!
- Homer is not used to compliments.Lurleen: Oh Homer, you're just a big sack of sugar.
Homer: Thanks! You did say sugar, right?
- Another example:Homer: Guess what, Lurleen. I got you a gig on TV!
Lurleen: Oh, Homer! You're as smart as you are handsome!
Homer: (angrily) Hey! Oh, you meant that as a compliment.
- Lurleen wants Homer to be her manager.Homer: Really? Well, I should warn you, I'm not great with figures.
Lurleen: That's okay.
Homer: I make a lot of stupid decisions.
Lurleen: Nobody's perfect.
Homer: I did bad in school.
Lurleen: I didn't even go.
Homer: My personal hygeine has been described as...
- Marge first meets Lurleen.Marge: Thought you said she was overweight.
Homer: Marge, it takes two to lie: one to lie and one to listen.
- Lurleen's song "Bagged Me A Homer". Most people usually aren't quite as blatant that they're after a married man:Lurleen: I used to play the field,
I used to be a roamer
but the seasons' turning around for me now,
I finally bagged me a Homer!
That's right, I finally bagged me a Homer!
Recording guy: Lurleen, we're going to have to cut you off. There's some kind of grinding noise on the track. (It's Marge grinding her teeth.)
- Homer's obliviousness to Lurleen's advances comes to a head after she sings "Bunk with Me Tonight."Homer: Oh, that's hot. There isn't a man alive who wouldn't get turned on by that. (stands up) Well, goodbye!
- Homer selling Lurleen's contract:Homer: Now before we negotiate, I have to tell you I'm desperate to unload Lurleen, and I'll take any offer.Agent: I'll give you fifty bucks.Homer: YOU SON OF A- sold.
56. - "Black Widower"
- At one point, the Simpsons appear to be watching a parody of Dinosaurs that looks eerily familiar:Lisa: These talking dinosaurs are more real than most real families on TV!
Bart: It's like they saw our lives and put it right on the screen.
- Sideshow Bob gives a "review" of MacGyver to Selma. The withering sarcasm of Kelsey Grammer and the hilarious poses Bob goes through make for a great combination.Bob: No, Selma, this is lying: "That was a well-plotted piece of non-claptrap that never made me want to retch!"
- Bob can't resist taking a shot at Krusty after winning the "Best Children's TV Sidekick" Emmy while still in prison, and Krusty gives it right back to him: "This is one more Emmy than you'll ever win, you bantering jack-in-the-box!" "Just don't drop that thing in the shower, Bob!" "No-talent shill!" "Second banana!" "Panderer!" "Bore!" Then Bob has to be restrained and sedated by the guards.
- When Bob is describing how the overcrowded prison cells reduced him and the other cons to mere animals, cut to Bob in one such cell.Bob: Who took my chapstick?
Offscreen Voice: Oh sorry. Here. (hands it back)
Bob: I don't want it.
- Lisa getting jealous of Maggie being the flowergirl. "If you wanna go for cutesiness instead of competence, fine."
- This dialogue, when Selma asks Bob to give her a foot massage:Bob: (muttering to himself) Soon, I will kill you...
Bob: Son pied sentit beau...that's French for "Her foot smells lovely."
Bob: (muttering again) Prepare to be murdered...
Bob: Eh pah dee meh moo-doo...that's...Sanskrit for "You toes are like...(cringes) perfume..."
Bob: (muttering once again) Voy a matar a usted...
Bob: Oh, that's Spanish for (menacingly) "I'm going to kill you..."
- Bart gives The Summation of how he figured out Sideshow Bob's plan. He then details how he tried to explain his realization to Homer:Bart: (voiceover) [Selma's] only hope was a young boy, and his slow-witted father...
Flashback Bart: Dad! When Aunt Selma lights up her cigarette, at the end of MacGyver, she'll be blown to kingdome come!
Flashback Homer: ...Come again?
(cut to Bart trying to explain the situation to Homer via a demonstration by using a gas stove, then reading to him from a science text-book, then with a hand-drawn schematic, and finally with hand puppets)
Bart: (voiceover) After trying four times to explain it to Homer, I explained it to mom, and we were on our way...
- "I'll be back! You can't keep the Democrats out of the White House forever! And when they get in, I'm back on the streets! With all my criminal buddies!"
- After the flashbacks reveal that the family saved Selma in the nick of time, Bob asks why the room still exploded. Wiggum admits that he and the other cops had celebratory cigars right outside the room and forgot about the gas. Absolutely nobody was hurt; he just accidentally tossed a lit match into the room.
57. - "The Otto Show"
- The entire first half with Spinal Tap. "We salute you, our half-inflated dark lord!"
- Otto drives madly to school after his impromptu concert (which includes crashing into Spinal Tap's bus, none of the police officers bothering to get the license number of the bus as it crashed through a police picnic, and all the bystanders rushing to pay phones after seeing the "How Am I Driving?" bumper sticker on the detached bumper). This is followed by his explanation to Principal Skinner and the cops that he doesn't have a license or wear his own underwear.
- Otto mistakes Marge's sister Patty for a male-to-female transsexual.Otto: Have you always been a chick? I-I don't want to offend you, but you were born a man, weren't you? You can tell me. I'm open-minded.Patty: "Welp, won't be needing this!" (quickly discards the green pen used for correct answers)
- Otto studies for his driver's test.Otto: Alcohol increases your ability to drive. (flips to answer key) False?! Oh, man!
- Patty tells Otto that he failed every segment of his driver's test, and misspelled "bus" on his application.
- Most interactions between Otto and Homer this episode. At one point he pokes Homer's belly and calls him Poppin' Fresh, and tells him he's supposed to giggle. At another, Homer is horrified to see the sink clogged by Otto's hair.
- Homer demands Otto to stop playing the guitar so he can hear himself think:Homer: (I want some peanuts.) That's better.
- "I'll show him who's a sponge!"
- Bart trying to convince his parents to let Otto crash in with them.Bart: Mom, I thought you might forget our little conversation this afternoon, so I took the precaution of recording it.
Marge: What conversation?
Bart: (on tape) Mom, can Otto live in our garage for as long as he wants? (impersonating Marge's voice) He sure can!
Homer: Marge! What were you thinking?
Marge: That's not my voice!
Homer: Oh, everybody says that when they hear themselves on tape.
- After Otto gets evicted from his apartment:Otto: Can I at least get my stuff?
Landlord: All I found in there was a jar of mustard and a couple of old cycle magazines.
Otto: Wow! I had mustard?
- In Otto's second attempt at a driving test, he bonds with Patty over hating Homer. In particular, his story about Homer having a piece of food stuck to his face for three days. "And it wasn't little either, it was a chicken wing!"
58. - "Bart's Friend Falls in Love"
- The entire Raiders of the Lost Ark parody at the beginning, complete with Homer acting out the roles of both the giant boulder and the natives from the beginning of the film.
- Mrs. Krabappel teaching her students sex education via the educational short "Fuzzy Bunny's Guide to You-Know-What". Some choice moments:
- The students' reaction to the graphic sex scene.
- Mrs. Krabappel responding to Fluffy Bunny's orgasm with a nonchalant "She's faking it."
- "Nine months later, Fluffy gave birth to fourteen beautiful bunnies . . . eight survived."
- In the post-film discussion, Bart asks about how to create a half-man, half-ape creature.Mrs. Krabappel: I'm sorry, that would be playing God.
Bart: God-schmod, I want my monkey man!
- The "Homer Sez: Increase Your Wordiness" still features Homer-esque definitions for words he used in the subplot where Marge tries to order him a subliminal weight-loss tape, but the company sends him a vocabulary builder tape.
- Lisa has an Imagine Spot of Homer's funeral, in which Homer had to be buried in a piano crate because of how obese he is. The crate ends up crushing everyone mourning his loss.Marge: (sobbing) I wish they had never invented fried cheese!
- His tombstone shows how much he weighed when he was born (nine pounds, six ounces) and his weight at the time when he died (402 pounds, one ounce) instead of his date of birth and date of death, also adding to the humor.
- Homer as a hostage negotiator:Homer: Listen, Tabbouleh, we're ignoring all your demands. What do you say to that?
(Tabbouleh cocks a Uzi and kills Homer)
- Milhouse's reaction after Samantha's father takes her away. "How could this happen? We started out like Romeo and Juliet but it ended up in tragedy."
- Homer is getting a physical exam at the power plant.Doctor: This can't be right, this man has 104% body fat...Hey, no eating in the tub!
Homer: (nonchalantly) Go to Hell.
- Herb shows up at the Simpsons' front door.Herb: What am I going to say? This is the guy who ruined me. But on the other hand, he's family. So many conflicting emotions, how to express them?
(Homer opens the door)
Homer: Herb? (Herb punches Homer)
- A little bit later:Herb: Sorry, Homer, but I'm still mad at you. Every word you say makes me want to punch you in the face!
Homer: Well, while you're a guest in my house could you just kick me in the butt?
Herb: I'll try, but I'm not making any promises!
- This exchange between Homer and Herb when he sees the prototype baby translator:Homer: I can't believe we blew 2,000 bucks on this, when right now rollers could be kneading my buttocks!
Herb: Homer, could you stop thinking about your ass?!
Homer: I tried, but I can't...
- Herb goes bankrupt in a game of Monopoly. Homer pokes fun at him about it and gets punched in the face for his troubles.
- And at the end:Herb: And Maggie, the one who helped me reclaim my fortune, I'll give you anything your heart desires.
Maggie: (baby gibberish)
Translator: I want what the dog's eating. (cut to a shot of Santa's Little Helper eating from his dish)
Homer: (annoyed grunt)
60. - "Kamp Krusty"
- The episode's Couch Gag. The family is stopped from sitting on the couch because The Flintstones are already seated there. Fred smiles at Homer and invites him to sit by his side.
- At the start of the episode, Bart has a dream about Principal Skinner telling everyone to tear down the school to "School's Out" by Alice Cooper.
- When school ends for real, a teacher stops the throngs of kids leaving;Teacher: Wait a minute! You didn't learn how World War II ends! (kids look at him) ...We won!
Kids: YAY! USA! USA!
- Bart and Lisa talk to Homer and Marge before leaving on the bus for camp.Bart: Don't look in my closet. In fact, stay out of my room altogether.
Lisa: (yelling from the bus) If the pets die, don't replace them, I'll know!
- Lisa: (writing a letter to home) I no longer fear hell, for I have been to Kamp Krusty.
- The tyrannical Mr. Black dines with Jimbo, Dolph, and Kearney.Mr. Black: (toasting) Gentlemen, to evil!
- The "Kamp Krusty" theme montage features a frog leaping from Lisa's bowl of gruel, Bart falling into a ditch while trying to catch a pop fly, and a random kid at the camp infirmary getting cigarette smoke blown in his face by the nurse (who just used his cast to light the match).
- Bart and Lisa are not enjoying Kamp Krusty at all.Lisa: I feel like I'm gonna die, Bart.
Bart: We're all gonna die, Lis.
Lisa: I meant soon!
Bart: (sadly) So did I.
- This bit, at the weight loss part of camp:Drill sergeant instructor: All right, you balls of pan-drippings! I wanna see Crisco coming out of those pores! (walks up to Martin) We're not leaving... until this Christmas HAM!... gives me a pull-up.
- Homer and Marge hear of the hostile takeover of Kamp Krusty on the news. When they see Bart has become the ringleader, Homer (who had spent the entire summer completely stress-free and had gotten into notably better shape) yells out, "D'OH!", and immediately, his newly grown hair falls from his head, and his gut expands to his pre-summer shape.
- Kent Brockman's report on the situation: "Ladies and gentlemen, I've been to Vietnam, Afghanistan, and Iraq, and I can say without hyperbole that this is a million times worse than all of them put together."
- After Mr. Black tries to pass off Barney as Krusty, Bart starts the revolution. "I've been scorched by Krusty before. I got a rapid heartbeat from his Krusty brand vitamins. My Krusty Kalculator didn't have a 7 or an 8. And Krusty's autobiography was self-serving with many glaring omissions. But this time, he's gone too far!"
- Krusty reacts to Bart's grievances.Bart: Krusty, this camp was a nightmare! They fed us gruel, they forced us to make wallets for export, and one of the campers was eaten by a bear!
Krusty: Oh my God! (breaks down sobbing)
Bart: ...actually, the bear just ate his hat.
Krusty: (collected) Was it a nice hat?
Bart: Oh yeah.
Krusty: Oh my God! (breaks down sobbing again)
- To make it up to the kids, Krusty takes the entire camp to the Happiest Place On Earth - Tijuana, Mexico! Cue credit sequence with photos of the campers having fun in Mexico with Sinatra's "South of the Border" playing. The last photo is of the bus leaving Tijuana to head back home, with Krusty chasing after it after having been accidentally left behind.
61. - "A Streetcar Named Marge"
- When Marge and Ned rehearse the scene where Blanche breaks a bottle to defend herself from Stanley, Marge goes crazy and knocks Ned over after being fueled by Homer being a boorish jerk to her.Llewellyn: Ned, you're supposed to overpower her.
Ned: I'm trying, I'm trying!
- Jon Lovitz's entire performance as Llewelyn Sinclair, but especially his powerhouse introduction:Sinclair: I should warn you, I am not an easy man to work for. When directing "HATS OFF TO HANUKKAH", I reduced more than one cast-member to tears. Did I expect too much from fourth graders? The review -'Play Enjoyed By ALL'-speaks for itself!
- Following his introduction, there's Marge's reaction.Marge: (hrrms) Maybe I should've taken that Japanese calligraphy class...
Chief Wiggum: Oh, forget it. That Mr. Takahashi's a lunatic.
- Following his introduction, there's Marge's reaction.
- The Ayn Rand School for Tots, operated by Sinclair's sister, also voiced by Lovitz.Ms. Sinclair: Mrs. Simpson, do you know what a baby is saying when she reaches for a bottle?
Ms. Sinclair: She's saying "I am a leech!" Our aim here is to develop the bottle within.
Marge: I don't know. This seems awfully strict.
Ms. Sinclair: Mrs. Simpson, I don't mean to toot my own horn, but we're the only daycare center in town that is not presently under investigation by the state.
- The entire The Great Escape re-eneactment by the babies.
- The play's closing song, "You Can Always Depend on the Kindness of Strangers" (the exact opposite of the message of the actual play).
- Homer getting childish about his pudding.Homer: (as Marge prepares to go over to Flanders' house to practice for the play) But Marge, what about pudding?
Marge: For gosh sake, Homer, you can take the can off your own pudding!
(Homer tries to do so, and only manages to take the tab off)
Homer: (screams in horror) Oh no, my pudding is trapped forever! So I can open my own pudding, can I? Shows what you know, Marge!
- My name is Apu Nahasapeemapetilon. I play Steve.
- While preparing for the play, Marge starts talking with a southern accent to stay in character. Lisa joins in to help, and then Bart starts talking with a Cockney accent.Lisa: Daddy, would y'all mind passing a little biscuit?
Bart: Can I slog off school tomorrow? I got a pain in me gulliver.
Homer: I'm living in a cuckoo clock!
62. - "Homer the Heretic"
- The chalkboard gag, in reference to the previous episode: "I will not defame New Orleans."
- While skipping church, Homer pours pancake batter, caramels and liquid smoke into a waffle iron, wraps it around a stick of butter, and eats it like a burrito.Homer: Mmmm, fattening...
- TV Announcer: We interrupt this public affairs program to bring you... a football game.
- The Flanders family tries to convince Homer to return to church. They practically stalk him while singing "God Said To Noah," which turns into an action-movie-style car chase that ends with Homer on a garbage barge.
- When Homer wakes up in the middle of a fire, he tries to remember a song about what to do:Homer: "When a fire starts to burn, there's a lesson you must learn. Something, something, then you'll see, you'll avoid catastrophe..." (*Beat*) D'oh!
- Ned drags Homer's unconscious body upstairs away from the flames and tosses him out the window onto a perfectly positioned mattress below with a quick prayer ("Dear Lord, may your loving hand guide Homer to the mattress square and true."). Unfortunately for them both, Homer does hit the mattress, but bounces off and back into the house.Ned: (wearily) ...Okay.
- The little whimper Homer makes as he bounces is also hilarious.
- The Flanders' house briefly catching fire (with Homer pointing out that Ned Flanders is a regular Joe Church and God is letting his house burn), only for a mini rain storm to put out the flames then disappear afterwards, followed by a rainbow.
- Ned tells Homer that he saved him from the house fire because Homer would have done the same for him. Homer then imagines himself lazily lying in a hammock and laughing at Ned as he yells for help from his flaming house.
- Kent Brockman's report on the fire:Brockman: Fire: Man's oldest foe. Insatiable, remorseless, unquenchable.
Wiggum: Hey, it's out!
Brockman: Coming up next, which work better: Springy clothespins or the other kind?
- On the way to the Simpson's house, the volunteer fire department are stalled by ducks crossing a road. Dozens of them. Apu's reaction sells it.Apu: You ducks are really trying my patience! ... but you're so cute.
- After the church doors are revealed to be frozen shut, Lisa starts saying the Lord's Prayer. Bart interrupts: "Lisa, this is neither the time nor the place."
- Homer's debate with Reverend Lovejoy:Lovejoy: Homer, I'd like you to remember Matthew 7:26. "The foolish man who built his house on sand."
Homer: And you remember... Matthew... 21:17.
Lovejoy: "And he left them and went out of the city into Bethany, and he lodged there"?
Homer: ...Yeah. Think about it.
- After Marge warns Homer that she may have to tell the children that he's "wicked", Homer replies, "Kids, let me tell you about another so-called 'wicked' guy. He had long hair, and some wild ideas, and he didn't always do what other people thought was right. And that man's name was... I forget. But the point is... I forget that too. Marge, you know who I'm talking about. He used to drive that blue car?"
- Apu leaving the Kwik-E-Mart in his nephew's hands.Apu: A fire at the old Simpsons place! (turns to the bullies) You are on your honor not to steal anything!
Kearney: (as he's eating cereal right out of the box) Oh, we won't.
(Apu pauses with consideration, then reaches beneath the counter, bringing his nephew up and placing him on the counter.)
Apu: Little Jamshed, the store is in your hands. (he leaves)
Jamshed: Oh, how I have waited for this day.
(Jamshed immediately pulls a shotgun out of nowhere and aims it at the bullies.)
- Marge: Homer, please don't make me choose between my man and my God, because you just can't win.
Homer: There you go again, always taking someone else's side. Flanders, the water department, God...
63. - "Lisa the Beauty Queen"
- Also a Moment of Awesome. Skinner beating up a lawyer and two hired goons after being threatened with a lawsuit over the use of "The Happiest Place on Earth". "Copyright expired."
- At the school carnival, Groundskeeper Willie trying to sell haggis from his stand (which looks like it's nowhere near the school carnival). "Chopped heart and lungs, boiled in a wee sheep's stomach! Tastes as good as it sounds! Good for what ails ya"
- Otto cranks up the speed on a Rocket Spinner ride; the car flies off and crashes into the school. Otto then tells Bart that he's going to Mexico until this blows over and is chased by an angry mob.
- Milhouse goes into "Jimbo's Spookhouse", a shoddily-built haunted house that turns out to be a shed with the three bullies (Dolph, Jimbo, and Kearney) standing under a bare light bulb, getting ready to beat Milhouse up. When Milhouse steps out, Bart asks him if it was scary. When told it was, Bart steps in. "Uh oh."
- Homer trying to cheer Lisa up after her caricature.Homer: Oh, Lisa, this isn't real. It's just how you might look if you were a cartoon character.
Lisa: I'm an ug-mo!
Homer: Now that's not true. You're cute as a bug's ear.
Lisa: Fathers have to say that stuff.
(Abe walks past the doorway)
Homer: Dad, am I cute as a bug's ear?
Abe: No! You're homely as a mule's butt!
Homer: There, see?
- Lisa is crowned "Little Miss Springfield" (after the actual winner gets struck by lightning). A new wax figure is created in the Springfield Wax Museum. The problem is the curators just stuck Lisa's head on a wax statue of Dr. Ruth. The funny part is that Dr. Ruth's head now resides in the Chamber of Horrors next to Mr. T and Ronald Reagan.
- Lisa claims that college football diverts necessary resources from education and the arts, which causes four stereotypical nerds to chase a football team off of the field. The nerds then get beaten up offscreen, according to a newspaper headline.
- Earlier, the football players ran away from the approaching nerds.
- Kent Brockman announces that Lisa was stripped of her title and the show cuts to... a shot of a goat being fed from a bottle. The same thing happens a minute later when he announces his interview with Pope John Paul II, causing him to storm out.
- How does Lisa lose her title? Homer filled in the pageant form incorrectly. Under "Do not write in this space", he wrote, "Okay."
64. - "Treehouse of Horror III"note
- Homer introducing the episode in a parody of Alfred Hitchcock Presents.
- The beginning of the episode. Homer comes down the stairs dressed in a toga.Homer: Behold, mighty Caesar, in all his glory! (the sheet gets caught on a loose nail, pulling the toga apart and leaving Homer in his underwear, everyone laughs at him) D'oh!
- During the framing story, Homer's attempt at a scary story.Homer: ...And his wife comes through the door!
Bart: (bored) So?
Homer: Did I mention that she was dead?
Homer: Well, she was. Aaaand she hit him in the head with a golf-club!
Homer: Don't you remember? He went golfing all the time and it really bugged her.
Lisa: You said he went bowling!
Homer: (annoyed grunt)
- Abe's retort:Abe: I've coughed up scarier stuff than that!
Bart: Grampa, why don't you tell us a story? You've led an interesting life.
Abe: That's a lie, and you know it!
- Abe's retort:
- This dialogue:Bart: I have a story so scary you'll wet your pants.
Abe: Too late.
[Everyone moves away from him. Lisa's friend Janey backs away from the couch he's sitting.]
A. - Clown Without Pity
- Homer is buying the cursed doll:Shop Keeper: Take this object. But beware, it carries a terrible curse.
Homer: Ooh, that's bad.
Shop Keeper: But it comes with a free frogurt!
Homer: That's good!
Shop Keeper: The frogurt is also cursed.
Homer: That's bad.
Shop Keeper: But you get your choice of topping!
Homer: That's good!
Shop Keeper: The toppings contain potassium benzoate. (Homer stares blankly) That's bad.
Homer: Can I go now?
- The Krusty doll advances on Homer, laughing evilly but then stops and sees his pull cord has run out. He motions for Homer to pull it back out. Homer does, and the doll finishes laughing.
- Homer tells Marge about the Krusty doll attacking him.Homer: Marge! The doll's trying to kill me and the toaster's been laughing at me!
- The Krusty doll attempts to kill Homer while he's in the tub and Homer runs naked and screaming through the kitchen, where his wife and his sisters-in-law are having lunch.Patty: There goes the last lingering thread of my heterosexuality.
- This particular moment becomes Hilarious in Hindsight when the Season 16 episode "There's Something About Marrying" revealed that Patty was a lesbian.
- Homer trying to subdue the Krusty doll with some of his old socks. It works, despite Krusty taunting him for it.
- Homer throws the box containing the doll into a bottomless pit, followed by two other people disposing of... inconveniences:Homer: [throws box into pit] Goodbye dolly! [leaves]
[a man in a stereotypical mobster suit and hat shows up with a human-sized bag and throws it into the pit]
Mobster: Arrivederci, Vito! [leaves]
[a third man walks up with a cardboard box full of photographs]
Man: I was a fool to think anyone would want nude photos of Whoopi Goldberg. [drops the box into the pit and dusts off his hands] What the...!? [the box flies back out of the pit and into his hands]
- The revelation that the Krusty doll is evil because of a switch on its back and not because of a horrible curse. "Yep, here's your problem. Someone set this thing to 'Evil'".
- The Krusty doll becomes Homer's slave.
B. - King Homer
- The line when Burns asks Smithers his opinion on bringing Marge along.Mr. Burns: What do you think, Smithers?
Smithers: I think women and sea-men don't mix.
Mr. Burns: We know what you think.
- This exchange between the crew:Carl: Hey, I heard we're going to Ape island.
Lenny: Yeah, to capture a giant ape. I wish we were going to Candy Apple Island.
Charlie: Candy Apple Island? What do they got there?
Carl: Apes. But they're not so big.
- When Marge asks if she's going ashore with them, Burns replies, "Of courrse, we wouldn't think of going without the bait! Uh, that is... the bait-thing beauty... the... bathing beauty! I covered that up pretty well!"
- When the rest of Mr. Burns' team shows up to capture King Homer after he has picked up - and been captivated by - Marge, he roars threateningly at them... and then stops mid-roar as he notices he is still holding Marge. He sets her down in a nearby tree and goes back to roaring at Mr. Burns' team.
- King Homer's first victim is Lenny:Lenny: [as King Homer puts him in his mouth, he fights his way back out] Hey, Homer, cut it out! C'mon, quit eating me!
[Carl opens fire from the ground, but hits Lenny in the upper arm]
Lenny: Ow! [sarcastically] Nice shot, Carl! [King Homer pushes him back into his mouth and starts chewing...] NO! NO!... [... and finally swallows him, letting off one of his signature belches]
- Mr. Burns tries lobbing a gas bomb toward King Homer, but, true to form, he only succeeds in throwing it a couple of feet, so that he gets gassed. He proceeds to sing and dance to the tune of "The Fountain in the Park":Mr. Burns: I was strolling through the gas one day...
- Smithers has better luck with his gas bomb; King Homer even takes a moment to wave his hand over his mouth and yawn before curling up to sleep:Mr. Burns: Excellent work, Smithers! When we get back, I'm giving you a raise! (King Homer eats Smithers in his sleep) ...Oh, well.
- All of Barney's lines, but especially his response to the unveiling of King Homer: "Wow! Look at the size of that platform!"Barney: Hey, monkey, y'want a peanut?
[King Homer grabs the entire offered bag and swallows it in one bite]
Barney: I SAID ONE! [starts kicking King Homer's foot; King Homer just ignores him and walks off through the wall of the theatre]
- King Homer eats Shirley Temple during her performance of "On the Good Ship Lollipop" - but not before nodding along to the song for a few seconds.
- King Homer has broken free and starts a rampage.Mr. Burns: I'm dreading the reviews, I can tell you that.
Marge: (sees Homer outside) Oh hi, Homie!
- King Homer tries to climb the Empire State Building. He is tired and looks up, seeing many floors to go. He eventually gets tired and collapses, revealing he'd only climbed three storeys (he's four storeys tall).Marge: Maybe you'd have an easier time climbing if you ate more vegetables and less people?
- After King Homer fall from the building.Marge: He's not dead!
Mr. Burns: No, but his career is. I remember when Al Jolson ran amok at the Winter Garden and climbed the Chrysler building. After that, he couldn't get arrested in this town.
C. - Dial 'Z' for Zombies
- The segment opens with Bart presenting a book report on an alphabet themed pop-up book, which he admits to reading "most of". Mrs Krabappel orders him to read another book. He's later seen looking at a rather lazy Where's Waldo? book, in which Waldo is standing in the foreground of a mostly empty beach. "Man, he's just not trying anymore."
- Bart wanders into the Occult Section of the library ("Gee... never noticed that before!") and a "Book of Magick and Spelles" hovers out of the shelf behind him and smacks him in the back of the head. He opens it and is confronted with wailing spirits...Spirits: Evil... / Evil... / Bad... / Beware... / BEWARE!...
Bart: Cool! [slams the book shut]
Spirits: Ow! / Ow! / Ow! / Ow!
- The gravestones in the Pet Cemetery include a Take That! trifecta to three animated series that tried to ride The Simpsons's coattails but faceplanted so disastrously that they were all cancelled or stuck in Development Hell by the time this episode aired: Fish Police, Capitol Critters, and Family Dog.
- The incantations Bart recites include four game show hosts ("Cullen, Rayburn, Narz, Trebek!"), four discount department stores ("Zabar, Kresge, Caldor, Wal-Mart!"note ), four 1970s TV detectives ("Kolchak, Mannix, Banacek, Danno!"), and four brands of condom ("Trojan, Ramses, Magnum, Sheik!").
- When Bart accidentally summons human zombies instead of Snowball I, we cut to Groundskeeper Willie, tending to the ornamental beds around Springfield Elementary.Willie: [patting down the dirt with a spade] There. Pretty as a picture! [two zombies burst from the ground] ACH! ZOMBIES! [the zombies walk off; Willie shoots a Death Glare at their departing backs, then pats down the dirt again] There. Pretty as a picture!
- The zombies have risen from the grave so Bart and Lisa urgently tell Homer who is watching TV.Lisa: Dad, we did something very bad!
Homer: Did you wreck the car?
Homer: Did you raise the dead?
Homer: But the car's OK?
Bart & Lisa: Uh-huh.
Homer: All right, then. (resumes watching TV)
- Krusty is attacked by a zombified Sideshow Mel. This is followed by a We Are Experiencing Technical Difficulties sign.Zombie Krusty: To enter, send me your parents' brains, or write "Parents' Brains" on a 3x5 card and send it to...
- When zombies break into the Simpson house (Homer having not bothered to barricade the door), Homer attempts a Heroic Sacrifice, only for this to happen: the zombies go over to Homer saying "Brains!" in Simpleton Voices. Then they look inside his ears and tap his head, only to find that it sounds rather hollow. They then angrily shout "BRAINS!" and move away from him. The icing on the cake is how hurt and offended Homer looks afterward.
- Homer twirls a lever-action shotgun and simultaneously cocks it, shouting "TO THE BOOK DEPOSITORY!" upon learning the family has to head for the school library. Doubles as a Moment of Awesome just for being so badass.
- Ned Flanders obliviously lets the zombies into his house and is promptly zombified. As the Simpsons head to the library to find a way to reverse the spell, he walks up to Homer and asks to nibble his ear. Homer blasts him with a shotgun, leading to this moment, which is said to be Matt Groening's favorite line:Bart: Dad, you killed the zombie Flanders!
Homer: He was a zombie?
- As Bart searches for a way to reverse the spell, he accidentally turns Lisa into a giant snail - and somehow keeps her from noticing. The icing on the cake is when she cranes her eye stalks to read the book over his shoulder as he casts the next spell (which reverses her transformation as well as banishing the zombies).
- The Simpsons may not be members of the living dead, but the final scene reveals them to be zombies of another sort...[the whole family are sitting on the sofa; Homer has a bowl of popcorn, Bart and Lisa have soft drinks, and Marge is feeding Maggie from a bottle]
Marge: Well, I'm sure glad we didn't turn into mindless zombies!
Bart: Shhh. TV.
[from the TV, we hear a thud, followed by a Laugh Track]
Homer: Man... fall down. Funny.
Marge, Bart, Lisa: Mmm.
65. - "Itchy & Scratchy: The Movie"
- Marge has an Imagine Spot of Bart as a fat, sleazy male stripper who gets booed at by his "adoring" female fans and lies moaning under the garish disco lights after someone hurls a bottle at his head.Marge: My poor baby!
- Bart playing with Grampa's dentures, especially when he uses them to bite onto one of the blades of an active ceiling fan and slips off while the Sabre Dance plays in the background.
- Bart trying to pretend that he is reading a book:Bart: Hi Mom, hi Dad! Home already? Boy, time really files when you're reading... (realizes that he is holding the book upside-down, takes a look at the cover) THE BIBLE!?! (puts the Bible down like he is holding something toxic) Ewwww...
- Homer tells Abe that if he doesn't start making sense they're going to put him in a home. Abe points out that they already did that, and Homer threatens to put him in the "crooked home we saw on 60 Minutes", and Abe replies, "I'll be good." (Note that some episodes do depict the Springfield Retirement Castle as a crooked assisted living home like the ones Homer saw on "60 Minutes", and indeed this same scene has Homer bring up Abe's "stories" about the nurses stealing his money and "the thing" on his neck getting bigger.)
- Homer attempts to punish Bart for breaking Abe's dentures.Homer: Young man, since you broke Grampa's teeth, he gets to break yours.
Abe: (looking menacingly at Bart) Oh, this is going to be sweet!
Marge: No, no, no!
- Abe tries to get his friend Jasper's teeth out of the glass (in the aftermath of Bart breaking Grampa's teeth) while he sleeps. Jasper wakes up and draws a gun on him.Jasper: Well, well, if it isn't the Tooth Fairy.
- Bart smashing mustard packets with a hammer while singing Jingle Bells.
- Homer's advice to Bart about how to get out of jury duty: "The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races."
- A possible explanation to Homer's intelligence:Homer: You know, when I was your age I wanted a catcher's mitt, but my dad wouldn't get it for me, so I held my breath until I passed out and banged my head on the coffee table. The doctor thought I might have brain damage.
Bart: Dad, what is the point of this story?
Homer: I like stories.
- There is a Cutaway Gag of Al Capone dancing the Charleston on top of a flagpole. He falls off.
- Chief Wiggum's reaction to Maggie driving past him. "Aw, how cute, a baby driving a car. And look, there's a dog driving a bus."
- Marge: We'll bring back dinner.
Lisa: What are we gonna have?
Homer: Well, that depends on what the teachers say, if you've been good, pizza. If you've been bad... uh, let's see... poison.
Lisa: What if one of us has been good and one of us has been bad?
Bart: Poison pizza.
Homer: Oh no, I'm not making two stops!
66. - "Marge Gets a Job"
- Homer dismisses Surly Joe, with "You're not the only foundation guy in town." As it happens, he is, and has a Yellow Pages ad stating as much.
- When Marge suggests going for a job at the power plant to pay for the foundation repairs, Homer tells her it's not that big a problem. A moment later it sinks again, causing Bart to slide out his bedroom window.
- Bart sets up the sinking house as a sideshow called The Slanty Shanty. He introduces Homer as "Cue Ball: The Man With No Hair."
- Lionel Hutz freaks out and runs after seeing Mr. Burns' squad of ten high-priced, professional lawyers. Then Homer opens Lionel's briefcase he forgot to take with him.Homer: Hey, he left his briefcase behind. [opens it] It's full of shredded newspapers.
- When Mr. Burns starts doting on Marge, he puts Smithers "where the action is": The men's room. And yet Smithers enjoys it... until:Smithers: (scrubbing down a urinal with a toothbrush) Spring-time fresh, clear white. What could be better?
(Homer bursts in, visibly straining)
Homer: (as he unzips his pants) Aww, man, I really gotta—
(cut to outside the washroom)
- One of the darkest moments of Black Comedy, when Marge first sees conditions at the plant: One man sobbing, a woman drinking with a Thousand-Yard Stare, and another man polishing a shotgun, declaring himself "the angel of death". After Marge suggests giving them Tom Jones music and funny hats, we see the same three employees again... utterly unchanged except for wearing funny hats.
- Homer tells Marge that if something goes wrong, she can blame Tibor, the guy who can't speak English. A few scenes later, we learn that Tibor has somehow been promoted past Homer at some point.
- Homer declares that he doesn't want to sleep next to someone who thinks he's lazy. He then starts saying that he's going to go downstairs and set up the sofa - only to give up mid-rant and get back in bed.
- Lisa embellishes Marge's resume with various jobs related to her taking care of Homer ("'Chauffeur, seamstress, curator of large mammals'?")(Homer enters, in nothing but his underwear)
Homer: Marge, have you seen my lunchbox?
(Marge gives him his lunchbox and Homer leaves)
Lisa: Mom, they expect you to lie a little.
Marge: "Worked for the Carter Administration"?!
Lisa: Well, you voted for him. Twice!
Marge: Lisa, shhh... someone might be listening.
- Burns tells Smithers that he dreamed about Marge last night. "You know that dream where you're in bed and they fly in through the window?" Smithers recalls having that exact dream, with Burns.
- The ludicrous scene with Bart and the wolf, beginning with his answer to an English exam ("Ivanhoe is the story of a Russian farmer and his tool") that's interrupted when he lowers his paper to see the wolf snarling inches from his face.
- Mrs. Krabappel's callous responses to his cries of "Wolf!" as she assumes he's just making a really uncreative attempt to get out of taking the test. Even after it shoves its paw through the window.Bart: Wolf! Wolf! Wolf!
Mrs Krabappel: (not looking in his direction) Sorry, no sale.
(the wolf growls and smashes the door's window)
Mrs. Krabappel: (sing-song) You're wasting valuable test-time...
- A badly-savaged Bart handing in his test, "admitting" there was no wolf, and then collapsing.Bart: I'm gonna just lie on the floor now. Please don't let me swallow my tongue. (he collapses)
Mrs. Krabappel: There, doesn't it feel better to tell the truth? (he doesn't respond; she pokes him with a pointer) ... Ohhh, dear.
- While taking Bart home, Abe tells him "We're going to rub some garlic on you before the next full moon." As if Bart was attacked by a werewolf (with some vampire mixed in?) rather than a regular wolf like it actually was.
- Willie comforting the wolf by sharing whisky with it after he's wrestled it into submission, and its humiliated expression as it drinks from his hand, is equal parts hilarious and awesome.
- Mrs. Krabappel's callous responses to his cries of "Wolf!" as she assumes he's just making a really uncreative attempt to get out of taking the test. Even after it shoves its paw through the window.
67. - "New Kid on the Block"
- Mrs Winfield asking Homer for a little help selling her house, namely that he stop standing in his window not wearing pants, that he get rid of his rotting jack-o-lanterns from past Halloweens, and that he cover up his trash cans, which are attracting local wildlife, such as a moose. He refuses all three.
- As Bart is sneaking around in the Powers' basement, he meets Laura right after fainting.Bart's Brain: She's beautiful. Say something clever.
Bart: I fell on my bottom.
Bart's Brain: D'oh!
- Laura mind-screws Dolph and Kearney by implying that they're gay.Kearney: Hey, baby, how 'bout puttin' your finger in my ear?
Laura: Well, I don't know. Your boyfriend looks like the jealous type.
Kearney: Hey, what the...?!
Dolph: That chick's messin' with our minds!
Kearney: Let's get outta here!
- Homer orders a pizza during his trial against not getting his fill at The Frying Dutchman's "All You Can Eat Buffet."
- Homer and Captain McAllister reach a deal which involves Homer being put to work as a sideshow freak (Bottomless Pete: The Man Who Can't Stop Eating, a.k.a. Nature's Cruelest Mistake) for the Frying Dutchman. As Homer is busy eating, people are watching through the window and a random man says "I heard they shaved a gorilla."
- Homer managing to make real estate difficult in his own way.(a realtor is showing a young couple around the Winfield House)
Woman: Now, I don't know much about haggling or bargaining, so why don't we just agree to pay whatever the Winfields want?
Realtor: Yeah, it could work.
(Homer belches from somewhere off-screen)
Man: What was that?
(the couple walk off to investigate)
(we see Homer sitting outside in a kiddie pool, in his underwear, as he fishes a hotdog out of the water.)
Homer: There you are! Thought you could get away, huh?
(Homer then eats the hotdog, as the couple watch in disgust)
(the couple storm off, while the realtor glares at Homer)
- Ruth tells Marge that she had doubts about moving to Springfield, after a Time Magzine cover that declared it "America's Worst City". "You could see our house in that photo!"
- Bart's prank-call to Moe:Moe: Hey, just a sec; I'll check. Uh, Amanda Hugginkiss! Hey, I'm lookin' for Amanda Hugginkiss! Oh, why can't I find Amanda Hugginkiss?!
(the bar patrons laugh)
Barney: Maybe your standards are too high!
Moe: (to phone) You little SOB! Why, when I find out who you are, I'm going to shove a sausage down your throat and stick starving dogs in your butt!
Bart: My name is Jimbo Jones and I live at 1094 Evergreen Terrace.
Moe: Aha! Big mistake, pal! Hohoo, I knew he'd slip up sooner or later! (draws knife) Ah, yes. Rusty and dull.
- As he leaves, Moe tells Barney not to steal any beer while he's gone.Barney: What kinda pathetic drunk do you take me for? (he sees something and gasps) Somebody spilled beer in this ashtray! (Barney immediately starts drinking from the ashtray)
- And a few minutes later, the scene cuts away to Barney drinking straight from the tap.Barney: Uh-oh, my heart just stopped! (*Beat*) Ah, there it goes. (Barney resumes drinking)
- Moe runs to the Simpson house to find Jimbo, laughing madly while brandishing his knife. After he leaves, he returns to his bar, still laughing and holding his knife, even when he had no further plans to use the knife. The two shots of Moe running are even the same, only mirrored.
- As he leaves, Moe tells Barney not to steal any beer while he's gone.
- Lionel Hutz telling Homer he has the most blatant case of fraudulent advertising since his suit against The Neverending Story.
- Homer's attempt to give Bart The Talk.Homer: Son, a woman is a lot like, um... a refrigerator. They're about six feet tall, 300 pounds, they make... ice... Oh! Wait a minute! Actually a woman is more like a beer. They smell good. They look good. You would step over your own mother just to get one. (finishes the can he's holding.) But you can't stop at one. You want to drink another woman. (gets out another beer out of the fridge; cut to several beers later) So I sez, "Yeah? You want that money, come and find it, cuz I don't know where it is, ya baloney! You make me wanna retch!" (passes out)
- The flashback of how Homer learned about sex after asking why Bart can't learn about it the way he did.Homer: Zookeeper! Zookeeper! Those two monkeys are killing each other!
Zookeeper: (whispers to Homer) They're having sex.
68. - "Mr. Plow"
- Homer doesn't want to tell the Insurance Officer what Moe's Tavern really is.Insurance Officer: Now before I give you the check, one more question. Uh, this place, Moe's, you left just before the accident, this is a business of some kind?
Homer's Brain: Don't tell him you were at a bar. *gasp* But what else is open at night?
Homer: It's a pornography store. I was buying pornography.
Homer's Brain: Heh, heh. I would've never thought of that.
- Homer checks out a cross between a Reliant Robin and a Trabant at Crazy Vaclav's Place of Automobiles.Homer: [shifting gears] What country is this car from?
Crazy Vaclav: It no longer exists, but take her for a spin and you'll agree, "Zagreb evnan zlotnik diev!"
[Homer fails to start the car]
Crazy Vaclav: Put it in "H"!
- The wind blows off Barney's diaper (leaving him naked), and he runs after it. The he runs into his mother.
- A very darkly funny one when Lisa visits the "Fourth Reich Motors (since 1946)" exhibit:Exhibit attendant: (with a German accent) Our tireless safety engineers crash-test over 1000 cars a year.
(Lisa watches test footage of a family of crash test dummies colliding with a wall; at the end, one of the child dummies falls out of the car, and starts meekly crawling away from the crash site)
Lisa: Hey, wait! That's not a dummy!
Exhibit attendant: (quickly) This exhibit is closed!
- Every moment with Adam West, in particular his ranting about the Tim Burton movies.Adam West: I didn't need molded plastic to improve my physique. (taps chest) Pure West. And how come Batman doesn't dance anymore? Remember the Batusi? (he begins dancing and grunting rhythmically while a disturbed Homer, Bart, and Lisa back away slowly)
- Homer's attempt to advertise at church.Homer: Dear lord, in your infinite wisdom, you know the number to call when you need a plow is Klondike 5-3226.
Lovejoy: Homer, this is really low.
Homer: Not as low as my low, low prices!
- Homer's line as the commercial begins. "It may be on a lousy channel, but the Simpsons are on TV!"
- During Homer's commercial, Bart asks Homer if his service is legal.Homer: (smiling) My prices are so low, you'll think I've suffered brain damage!
Bart: You are fully bonded and licensed by the city, aren't you Mr. Plow?
Homer: (stops smiling, talks out of the corner of his mouth) Shut up, boy.
(Homer growls angrily at Bart as they watch the commercial on TV)
Homer: So remember, (cue jingle) "Call Mr. Plow. That's my name. That name again is Mr. Plow."
- And after it's finished:Homer: John Q. Driveway has our number. Now we play The Waiting Game. (*Beat*) Eh, The Waiting Game sucks. Let's play Hungry Hungry Hippos!
- During Homer's commercial, Bart asks Homer if his service is legal.
- Homer talks to a female customer about shoving snow off her driveway.Woman: Could you make sure not to scrape my asphalt?
Homer: (muttering) Kiss my asphalt...
(cut to Homer telling the story at home)
Homer: So I said, "Kiss my asphalt!"
- The $10,000 bill. All the presidents are on it, and they're having a party, with Jimmy Carter passed out on the couch. (There actually is a $10,000 bill, but it was discontinued in the 1940s and had former U.S. Treasurer Salmon P. Chase on it.)
- Homer reassures Marge his plow truck will be safe as he goes to rescue Barney.Homer: Don't worry, this baby's as surefooted as a mountain goat. (cut to nearby mountain goat, which slips off a cliff repeatedly)
- Homer has a hair-raising trip across a rickety wooden bridge, during which he sees a full, stable suspension bridge a short distance away that he could have used and says, "D'oh!".
- Homer rescues Barney from the snowy mountain and apologizes for tricking him. They agree to be partners.Homer: With two friends working together, not even God can stop us.
God: Oh no? (the snow instantly melts)
69. - "Lisa's First Word"
- Homer tells baby Lisa that he opened a college fund for her at Lincoln Savings and Loan (which infamously shut down in the 1980s). This is followed by Homer dismissing Marge's fears that Bart will be jealous of his new baby sister with: "Yeah, well, Bart can kiss my hairy, yellow butt!"
- Grampa Simpson reveals that he won his house during the 1950s quiz show scandal by ratting out everybody and getting away with it.
- Infant Bart refuses to address Homer properly.Bart: Homer!
Homer: Homer's what grown-ups call me. Call me Daddy.
Bart: Da-da-da... Domer! (chuckles)
Homer: Why you little—! (strangles Bart)
- Bart flushing Homer's wallet (and later his keys) after Homer says that he's got his nose.
- Baby Lisa does the same thing infant Bart did earlier, even after naming everything else correctly.Marge: Can you say Mommy?
Bart: (pointing to a TV Guide cover) Can you say David Hasselhoff?
Lisa: Davi' Hasse'hoff. (giggles)
Homer: Can you say Daddy?
Homer: No, sweetie. Daddy.
- Krusty's massive moment of hubris. His 1984 Summer Olympics giveaway is rigged so that all the scratching cards are in favor of the events the communists excel at... and then the Soviet boycott occurs. Krusty stands to lose forty-four million dollars, and takes it hard.note Krusty: You people are pigs! I personally am gonna spit in every fiftieth burger!
Homer: I like those odds.
- During the Krustyburger commercial, Krusty casually draws a switchblade to use on a scratch-off card.
- While house hunting (in Springfield's scenic neighbourhood the Rat's Nest), one of the houses is right next to a rendering plant.Realtor: Once you get used to the smell of melted hog fat, you'll wonder how you ever lived without it.
Homer: Mmm, hog fat...
Marge: Let's keep looking.
(inside the plant, two workers are stirring fat. One stops and sniffs the air)
Worker: Ew, you smell somethin'?
(the other worker nods, as behind them Homer stares longingly at the fat.)
- "Can't sleep, clown'll eat me... can't sleep, clown'll eat me..."
- Stuck in the Flanders' house, Bart gets homesick.Bart: I want to go home.
(he looks across the street and sees the demon clown bed)
Bart: No, I don't.
- Baby Bart's tremendous energy means he winds up swinging around on the washing line, as Homer and Marge stare in terror. Homer predicts Bart will eventually tire himself out. Fade to hours later, and he's still going.
- Homer watching Olympic coverage has the courageous Kim Haung, who makes a perfect dismount onto what later turned out to be a broken leg. Which explains the several seconds of horrified screaming when he lands.
70. - "Homer's Triple Bypass"
- The COPS opening features a suicidal man choosing to hurl himself off a building rather than come to Chief Wiggum, Chief Wiggum, Eddie, and Lou shooting at a mummy with Chief Wiggum throwing his gun, and these lyrics to the song.♪Springfield's cops are on the take
But what do you expect with the money we make
Whether in a car or on a horse
We don't mind using excessive force♪
- Wiggum's attempt to arrest a cattle-rustler (Snake), which sees him raid the wrong house, next door to one with a number of cattle outside.Wiggum: Alright, boys, time to bag us a cattle rustler!
(a police tanks smashes the door down, Reverend Lovejoy appears in the house's doorway)
Lovejoy: What in God's name are you doing?!
Wiggum: Isn't this 742 Evergreen Terrace?
Lovejoy: No, that's next door!
(He points to the house next door, the front lawn of which is covered in cows. Snake drives out of the garage and sticks his head out of the window)
Snake: Close but no donut, cops!
Wiggum: This is Papa Bear. Put out an APB for a male suspect, driving a... car of some sort, heading in the direction of... uh, you know, that place that sells chili. Suspect Is Hatless. Repeat, hatless.
(cut to Homer watching the show in bed)
Homer: I can't wait until they throw his hatless butt in jail!
- A mechanic tries to warn Homer about his heart, then has a brief conversation with a boy named Billy.Billy: Where's he going?
Mechanic: You remember that old Plymouth we just couldn't fix?
Billy: We're going to sell him to Mr. Nikopopolous?!
Mechanic: You're a dull boy, Billy.
- A throwaway gag when Homer is in the ambulance, which has to stop at a deer crossing.Driver: How do the deer always know to cross there?
- Homer trying to get Hibbert to stop tickling him in his hospital bed. "Remember your Hippopotamus Oath."
- Homer comes out of his second heart attack and tells Dr. Hibbert that he was in a "wonderful place filled with fire and brimstone, and there were all these guys in red pajamas sticking pitchforks in my butt."
- Dr. Nick: Call 1-800-D.O.C.T.O.R.B! The "B" is for Bargain!
- After mentioning the operation, Homer is hesitant to tell the children, but they don't mind.Bart: Nothing you say can upset us. We're the MTV generation.
Lisa: We feel neither highs nor lows.
Homer: Really? What's that like?
Lisa: (shrugs) Ehh.
- Homer then says that they deserve the truth, and he's not going to sugarcoat it. Cut to him explaining the surgery with hand and finger puppets, two of them based on Akbar and Jeff.Homer: Kids, kids, I'm not gonna die. That only happens to bad people.
Bart: What about Abraham Lincoln?
Homer: Uh, he sold poison milk to schoolchildren.
- Homer then says that they deserve the truth, and he's not going to sugarcoat it. Cut to him explaining the surgery with hand and finger puppets, two of them based on Akbar and Jeff.
- This Dr. Nick bit:P.A. System: Dr. Nick Riviera, paging Dr. Nick Riviera. Please report to the coroner's office immediately.
Dr. Nick: The coroner?! I'm so sick of that guy. [to Homer] Well, see you in the operating place. [Reporters are outside the door; One asks "Where are the bodies?"] It's such a nice day. I think I'll go out the window. [Jumps out the window]
- Dr. Nick watches a video on how to perform a triple bypass, shortly before he has to perform that surgery on Homer: "Oh no, blood!"
- The operation video is interrupted by a talk show called People Who Look Like Things.Pumpkin-Head Guy: All we ask is to be treated with dignity and respect.
Host: And a new candle every now and then?
Pumpkin-Head Guy: Yes, and a new can- NO!
- The operation video is interrupted by a talk show called People Who Look Like Things.
- Dr. Nick talks to the O.R. team before Homer's surgery.Dr. Nick: Now remember, if something should go wrong, let's not get the law involved. You know what they say: "One hand washes the other." Oh, that reminds me... (washes hands)
- As Homer is falling asleep from the anesthetic, Dr. Nick can't identify something.Dr. Nick: What the hell is that?
- A defining moment for Apu:Apu: Poor Mister Homer. Could it be that my snack treats are responsible for his wretched health?
Customer: Gimme some jerky.
Apu: Would you like some vodka with that?
Customer: Oh, what the hell, sure!
- As he does the surgery, Dr. Nick does an improvisational song to the well-known spiritual song called "Dem Bones".Dr. Nick: "The kneebone's connected to the something; the something's connected to the red thing; the red thing's connected to my wristwatch" ...Uh-oh.
- After Dr. Nick successfully operates on Homer, he encounters a former patient.Mr. McGreg: Dr. Nick Riviera. Remember me?
Dr. Nick: Well if it isn't my old friend Mr. McGreg! With a leg for an arm and an arm for a leg!
- As Homer is eating donuts at work, Mr. Burns watches:Mr. Burns: Look at him, Smithers, stuffing his face on my time! (starts grinning maliciously) That's right, keep eating. Little do you know you're drawing ever closer to the poisoned donut! (Evil Laugh) There is a poisoned one, isn't there, Smithers?
Smithers: Ah, I'm afraid not, sir. I discussed this with our lawyers, they consider it murder.
Mr. Burns: DAMN THEIR OILY HIDES! (he turns back to the cameras, to see Homer has fallen asleep in his chair) BRING HIM TO ME!
- Homer stands nervously in Mr. Burns's office, a window on the screen shows his heart, beating fast.Mr. Burns: Relax, Simpson. I just brought you in here for a friendly hello...
Homer: Whew. (heart slows down)
Mr. Burns: ...and goodbye! YOU'RE FIRED!
(Homer gags, heart speeds up)
Mr. Burns: But, wait. Perhaps I'm being too hasty. You are highly skilled...
Homer: Whew. (heart slows down)
Mr. Burns: ...AT GOOFING OFF!
Homer: Aaargh! (heart beats faster)
Mr. Burns: Now don't worry, Homer. You're the kind of guy I could really dig...
Mr. Burns: ...A GRAVE FOR!
Homer: Aaargh! (heart beats faster)
Mr. Burns: Your indolence is inefficacious!
Homer: Huh? (heart beats normally)
Mr. Burns: THAT MEANS YOU'RE TERRIBLE!
Homer: Aarrggghh! (heart goes crazy until he collapses)
Smithers: (check's Homer's pulse) Mr. Burns, I think he's dead. (Homer's spirit leaves his body)
Mr. Burns: Oh dear. Send a ham to his widow.
Homer's spirit: Mmm, ham... (returns to his body)
Smithers: No, wait, he's alive!
Mr. Burns: Oh, good. Cancel the ham!
- During the segment where Homer's life flashes before his eyes, he remembers singing "O Holy Night" in church. Unfortunately, he hits puberty right in the middle of it and he continues off-key in his adult voice.
- Dr. Hibbert and Marge are looking at Homer's body through an X ray with radioactive dye glowing from his body to show an accurate image of his circulatory system, only for the nurse to say she never even injected the dye at all. Homer works at a nuclear power plant.Dr. Hibbert: (to Marge) Now what you see here is the radioactive dye we injected flowing through your husband's circulatory system.
Nurse: But Doctor, I haven't injected the dye yet!
Dr. Hibbert: Good lord!
- Homer is unable to think of anything to say to Bart and Lisa before the operation, so they help him out. Bart gets him to tell Lisa that she's adopted and he doesn't like her.
71. - "Marge vs. the Monorail"
- Homer sings a parody of the Flintstones theme song on his way home from work.Homer: ♪Simpson, Homer Simpson! He's the greatest guy in history! / From the town of Springfield, He's about to hit a chestnut tree.♪ (screams)
- As the first official episode guide puts it, "And he's right."
- Very small moment: The factory whistle blown in the sequence makes a birdcall, as an inversion of the bird making the whistle noise in the Flintstones intro.
- Mr. Burns and Smithers haul away a barrel of nuclear waste that was sealed up by Lenny and Carl.Smithers: Well sir, where shall we dump this batch? The playground?
Mr. Burns: No, all those bald children are arousing suspicion. (enthusiastically) To the park!
(the scene cuts to the city park at night; Mr. Burns and Smithers are heard straining and grunting as they stuff the barrel of nuclear waste into a tree)
Smithers: I think it's full, sir.
Mr. Burns: That's ridiculous! The last tree held nine drums.
- Cut to said tree, which has tentacles and a squirrel with laser eyes.
- Marge notices that many Springfield citizens showed up for the City Hall meeting on how to spend Mr. Burns' fine of $3,000,000. Then there's a cut to many criminals robbing the homes of people who aren't there.Snake: (carrying a TV) Could this town be any stupider?
- Mayor Quimby wants to follow standard procedure at the City Hall meeting, but some people are impatient.Mayor Quimby: Order, (bangs gavel) please rise for the uh, "Pledge of Allegiance".
Homer: Get to the money!
Mayor Quimby: In a moment. First, let's review the minutes from our last meeting.
Apu: Get to the money!
Rev. Lovejoy: Get to the money!
Abe: Get to the moneeeeeey!
- A very familiar-looking guy with a mustache gives his idea on what to do with the $3,000,000."Mr. Snrub": Hello, my name is Mr. Snrub and I come from, uh, someplace far away. (to himself) Yes, that'll do. (back to the crowd) Anyways, I say we invest the money back in the nuclear plant.
Smithers: I like what Snrub thinks.
(everyone glares at "Snrub" and Smithers, and then the latter pulls out a grappling gun which he uses to get himself and "Snrub" out of the City Hall)
- Apu gives his suggestion for what to do with the $3,000,000.Apu: Pardon me, but I would like to see this money spent on more police officers. I have been shot 8 times this year, and as a result, I almost missed work.
Chief Wiggum: (deadpan) Crybaby.
- As Marge describes the condition of Main Street in Springfield, there's a flashback to Homer driving his car down the road with chains wrapped around the tires and a piano tied to the roof of his car. The weight causes chunks of the road's concrete to break off and scatter in different directions.Homer: Woo-hoo! Look at that pavement fly!
- Grampa Abe doesn't think Main Street should be repaired, but the people in the crowd misunderstand him.Abe: Now hold on just one minute. Sure, we could fix up Main Street. We could put all our eggs in one basket. (crowd cheers) SHUT UP! I wasn't done yet. I'm just sayin', we could blow all our money on a stupid little street, but... (crowd cheers again and lifts him up) Ohhh. Oh, I ain't fer it, I'm agin' it.
- The last few lines of "The Monorail Song" go like this.Marge: But Main Street's still all cracked and broken!
Bart: Sorry, Mom, the mob has spoken!
Everyone except Marge: Monorail! / Monorail! / Monorail! MONORAIL!
Homer: Mono... D'OH!!!
- This moment for when Lanley visits Lisa's class.
- The trailer for "Truckasaurus: The Movie".
- The commercial for Lyle Lanley's Monorail Institute ends with, "Actual institute may not match photo."
- After Homer sees the ad:Homer: Marge, I wanna be a monorail conductor.
Marge: Homer, no.
Homer: It's my lifelong dream!
Marge: Your lifelong dream was to run out on the field during a baseball game. And you did it last year, remember? (Marge points to a framed sports page, with a picture of Homer running onto a baseball field in the middle of a game, with the headline, "Idiot Ruins Game/Springfield Forfeits Pennant")
Homer: Oh yeah.
- Bart is proud of his dad's decision to become a monorail conductor and hopes he can follow in his footsteps (metaphorically).Homer: Do you want to change your name to Homer Junior? The kids can call you "Ho-Ju"!
Bart: ...I'll get back to you.
- Homer and Bart watch Barney Gumble instruct a crane operator to put the monorail engine on to the monorail.Barney: Come on, keep it comin'! Over, over! Mm-hmm, mm-hmm. (turns and waves) Hi, Homer! (the crane drops the monorail engine over a house, crushing it entirely) Ohh, I hate that sound.
- Lyle Lanley instructs the people who all want to be the monorail conductor.Lanley: So then, mono means "one" and rail means "rail". And that concludes our intensive three-week course.
Otto: Hey wait, man! Who gets to be conductor?
Lanley: Oh right, that. Well I've been monitoring your progress closely, (he looks in a book with a picture of himself driving to Tahiti with lots of money) but this gentleman here clearly stands out above the rest. (does general arm sweep across room and gets ready to leave)
Homer: Who, me?
Lanley: Yeah, sure.
- Marge finding a family of possums in the monorail.Homer: I call the big one Bitey!
- At the grand opening ceremony for the Springfield monorail, Mayor Quimby says a quote from the wrong science fiction franchise to Leonard Nimoy.Mayor Quimby: And let me say, "May the force be with you!"
Leonard Nimoy: (annoyed) Do you even know who I am?
Mayor Quimby: I think I do. Weren't you one of the Little Rascals?
- As the monorail departs from the station, Marge returns from North Haverbrook with Sebastian Cobb. Cobb's hair looks different than it did earlier.Marge: WE'RE TOO LATE!
Sebastian: I shouldn't have stopped for that haircut. Sorry.
- On the out-of-control monorail, Leonard Nimoy notices the moon moving in front of the sun.Leonard Nimoy: A solar eclipse: the cosmic ballet goes on.
Man sitting next to Leonard: Anybody want to switch seats?
- The monorail is going haywire and Krusty doesn't want to be on it anymore.Krusty: KRUSTY WANTS OUT!!! (attempts to jump out of the runaway monorail)
Leonard Nimoy: No! (saves him) The world needs laughter.
- Also a Moment of Awesome as Nimoy was able to save Krusty despite that Krusty was already out the monorail door.
- Marge uses a radio to inform Homer about Sebastian Cobb (who helped Mr. Lanley create the defective monorail in North Haverbrook).Marge: Homer, there's a man here who thinks he can help you!
Marge: No, he's a scientist.
Homer: Batman's a scientist!
Marge: It's not Batman!
- Homer has to find a anchor to stop the monorail. He looks at Bart and pictures him as a anchor.Bart: Think harder, Homer.
- The Springfield Monorail is stopped, so Leonard Nimoy leaves.Leonard Nimoy: Well, my work here is done.
Barney: Whaddaya mean, "Your work is done"? You didn't do anything!
Leonard Nimoy: (chuckles knowingly) Didn't I? (beams away)
- The ending.Marge: (narrating) And that was the only folly the people of Springfield embarked upon. Except for the popsicle stick skyscraper. And the 50 foot magnifying glass. (which promptly sets fire to the skyscraper) And that escalator to nowhere.
- The file◊ photo of Homer after he is chosen as the monorail conductor.
72. - "Selma's Choice"
- "And I don't think George Washington will ever be the same!" (Well, no, not after Bart pulled down the robot's pants.)
- Marge objects to Homer and Bart singing "On Top of Spaghetti" during their drive to Great Aunt Gladys' funeral, so they start singing "Ding-Dong The Witch Is Dead" instead.
- The family stop at a diner en route the funeral. Homer tries and fails to complete the children's map on the back of the menu. He angrily screws it up and throws it on the floor along with several other failed attempts. A waitress asks him if he wants another and he calmly says, "Please".
- Great Aunt Gladys starts out her video will by reading Robert Frost's "The Road Not Taken". Homer immediately grabs the remote and starts fast-forwarding:Marge: Homer!
Homer: (releases the fast-forward button) All in favor of skipping the poem?
(everyone, except for Marge, put up their right hand)
Homer: Thank you! (continues fast-forwarding)
- Lionel Hutz re-dubs Great Aunt Gladys' video will.Gladys: Now let's get down to business.
Hutz: (dubbed over Gladys) To my executor, Lionel Hutz, I leave $50,000.
Marge: Mr. Hutz!
Hutz: You'd be surprised how often that works. You really would.
- The fortuneteller Princess Opal who offers Selma a love potion. When asked what the ingredients are, she answers, "Mostly corn syrup, a little rubbing oil. You'll be lucky if it doesn't make your hair fall out, actually." She then looks at the bottle and realises she just took a truth serum by mistake.
- Selma states that Great Aunt Gladys' legend will live forever. Homer mentally snarks, "Yeah, 'The Legend of the Dog-Faced Woman'." He then repeats it out loud, much to Marge's annoyance.
- Homer declares that he's okay to go to Duff Gardens (despite being sick from eating a rotten hoagie) only for him to pass out on the floor and crawl away.
- The flashbacks to him eating the sandwich as it gets worse and worse. For a while, it was too long to even put in the fridge.Homer: Marge, I'd like to be alone with the sandwich for a moment.
Marge: Are you going to eat it?
Homer: (*Beat*) Yes.
- Homer tries to drive. Note that by this point, he's turned blue.Homer: Duff Gardens! Hurrah! [He passes out, and his head hits the car horn.]
- After seeing Bart and Lisa leave with Selma to go to Duff Gardens, Homer finds the rotten hoagie on top of the garbage can.
- The flashbacks to him eating the sandwich as it gets worse and worse. For a while, it was too long to even put in the fridge.
- Lisa drinks the "water" on the Duff ride and promptly goes insane. She believes Selma is a monster and tries to attack her with an oar, plus Lisa almost got run over when she dances right into the parade. She's later delivered to Selma pale, shivering, and looking around wildly while covered in a towel.Security Guard: We found this one swimming naked in the fermentarium.
Lisa: (throws her arms in the air) I am the Lizard Queen!
- As Selma is handed a handful of pills by the park administration to help Lisa recover from the whole trip experience:Selma: Thank you, doctor.
"Doctor": (off-handedly) Oh, I'm not a doctor.
- Dolph, Jimbo, and Kearney ride off into the sunset on stolen bumper cars (though bumper cars don't work unless they're attached to the electric ceiling and in an earlier scene, the three bullies were arrested in a Duff Gardens commercial).
- "I'm not pouting, I'm mourning! Stupid dead woman."
- Bart puts on beer goggles at Duff Gardens, turning Selma into a foxy lady.Selma: You're charming the pants off of me.
Bart: What did you say, Aunt Selma? (takes off goggles)
Selma: I said, "Take off those damn glasses!"
- At Aunt Gladys' funeral:Lisa: Goodbye, Great Aunt Gladys. I wish I had made more of an effort to get to know you these last few years.
Bart: (hiding behind the coffin) Don't worry about it.
(Lisa runs out of the room screaming and Bart emerges from behind the coffin laughing)
- After Selma says that she wants a baby, Maggie wakes up and starts frantically pulling on the car door handle in an attempt to escape before looking at the window with a crestfallen expression.
73. - "Brother from the Same Planet"
- Krusty has a disastrous stint hosting Tuesday Night Live. It's funny considering that some of the early Simpsons writers (Jon Vitti, George Meyer, Conan O'Brien, and John Swartzwelder, especially) were SNL writers in the mid-1980s (making the whole joke a mix between Affectionate Parody and a joke about the common claim that Saturday Night Live relies too much of its humor on one-note characters and that its sketches are insanely long.note
- TV Announcer: Tonight on Wings...Ah, who cares?
- During the storm, we see a nun in the background getting blown away, screaming "This isn't funny!" before she explodes.
- Homer runs naked out of the house after realizing he forgot to pick up Bart from soccer practice.Lisa: Dad! Hide your shame!
Ned: Hey Homie! I can see your doodle!
Homer: Shut up, Flanders.
- Homer ad-libs constellation names while Pepi and him look at the stars, pointing out Jerry the Cowboy, and referring to "that big dipper looking thing" as "Alan. The cowboy."
- Kent reports on Tom and Homer's brawl:Kent: Early reports indicate, and this is very preliminary, that one of the fighters is a giant lizard. (inset of Godzilla) (to off-camera aide) Do we have a source on this? Uh huh. A bunch of drunken frat boys. All right, I could use some names... I.P. Freeley. (groans)
- During the aforementioned fight, Homer attempts to tackle Tom right into a china shop to beat on him some more. However, Tom calmly walks out of the store and we see Homer was recklessly breaking glassware instead of beating up his opponent.
- The end of the fight scene shows Tom delivering a series of blows to Homer's head, knocking him out. Homer falls backwards... and lands on top of a fire hydrant, breaking his back and twisting his body into a U-shape with a loud crack. Tom's expression says it all.
- Bart's stuck at soccer practice for several hours. Reaching his limit with Homer's negligence, Bart tries to use Mind Manipulation to reach out to Homer to tell him to come pick him up (which, the very implications that Bart has such levels of Telepathy and has already established such a Psychic Link with Homer of all people is hilarious in of itself,) but then it's revealed that Bart's psychic message reaches Milhouse, who carries out Bart's message a la The Shining, much to the irritation of his parents.Milhouse: Trab pu kcip. TRAB PU KCIP!
Kirk Van Houten: (in an annoyed, bellowing tone) What have we said about writing on the wall, young man? GO TO YOUR ROOM!
(as Milhouse walks away, a mirror reveals the rather obvious hidden message, "PICK UP BART")
- When Homer signs up for Bigger Brothers, he's asked what his reason for joining is. Homer's brain tells him "Don't say 'revenge'. Don't say 'revenge'." He does anyway. "That's it, I'm getting out of here". We then hear his brain walking out and slamming the door. Meanwhile, the agency worker ticks off "revenge" from a list along with "spite", "malice", "boredom", and "profit", and welcomes Homer aboard.
74. - "I Love Lisa"
- Principal Skinner, while broadcasting over the intercom about Bart's latest prank, goes on a speech on how it is wrong to make fun of Valentine's Day, when he suddenly has a Vietnam flashback about one of his friends getting gunned down after making a Valentine for his girlfriend.Seymour: Johnny! Johnny! (over the intercom) JOHNNY!!!
Bart: Cool, I broke his brain!
- When Ralph comes to the door of the Simpsons residence, Lisa hides and asks Homer to make up some excuse to shoo him away.Homer: She's in the can, go away! (moves to close the door)
Ralph: Yes, sir! I'll do anything for Lisa!
Homer: (opens the door again) Really...?
(cut to a clearly uncomfortable Ralph struggling with tarring the Simpsons residence's roof, while Homer lies in his hammock and drinks beer)
Ralph: Mr. Simpson! The tar fumes are making me dizzy!
Homer: (nonchalantly) Yeah. They'll do that... (drinks a swig of beer)
- Bart offers to go as Lisa with Ralph to the Krusty's Anniversary special.Lisa: What if he [Ralph] wants to hold hands?
Bart: I'm prepared to make that sacrifice.
Lisa: What if he wants to kiss?
Bart: I'm prepared to make that sacrifice.
Lisa: What if he—
Bart: You don't want to know how far I'll go.
- Chief Wiggum tells Lisa and Ralph the story of how he got tickets for Krusty's show — by bumping into Krusty at a porno movie and the clown mistakenly thinking it was a bust.Lisa: That story's not appropriate for children.
Chief Wiggum: Really? I keep my pants on in this version.
- The moment when Bart shows Lisa the frame-by-frame of her rejecting Ralph.Bart: Watch this, Lise! You can actually pinpoint the second when his heart rips in half. (Ralph's face contorts frame by frame, stopping on gritted teeth) aaaand...now.
- The Mediocre Presidents song.
- During the Presidents' Day play, Milhouse plays Abraham Lincoln, while Bart is John Wilkes Booth. The play's version of the assassination boils down to a mock fight and Bart as The Ahnold - leaving everyone in the audience silent and gaping. Well, almost everyone.Homer: C'mon, boy! Finish him off!
- "You're next, Chester A. Arthur!" [Miss Hoover grabs hold to Bart] "Unhand me, Yankee!"
- Earlier, Ms Hoover asking Bart, "Do you want to play John Wilkes Booth, or do you want to act like a maniac?" in response to Bart mooning the girls with a fake Richard Nixon nose on his backside while declaring "I am not a butt".
- The Brick Joke of Marty the DJ putting on "Monster Mash" by mistake, on Valentine's Day (which he feebly tries to justify before Bill calls him on it) and on President's Day.
- One of Lisa's classmates reacts badly to Ralph getting the role of George Washington and accuses Ms. Hoover of corruption, calling her a "deceitful cow". He's right: she did it to get Chief Wiggum to take the boot off her car.
- Skinner selling orange drink at the President's Day pageant to make up their losses from "Fire Drill Follies."Skinner: I just don't know what went wrong.
Willie: You opened the show with a fire drill and everyone cleared out!
Skinner: Hmm. So Mother was right. It was my fault.
75. - "Duffless"
- Homer has a conversation with his brain in the kitchen.Homer: Well, time to go to work.
Homer's Brain: Little do they know I'm ducking out early to take the Duff Brewery tour.
Homer: Roll in at 9, punch out at 5, that's the plan.
Homer's Brain: Heh, heh, heh. They don't suspect a thing. (camera pans down to Homer's mouth, but he doesn't say anything) Well, off to the plant.
Homer: Then to the Duff Brewery.
Homer's Brain: Uh, oh. Did I say that or just think it?
Homer: I've got to think of a lie fast!
Marge: Homer, are you going to the Duff Brewery?
Homer: AAAAH! (he runs out the front door, gets in his car, and drives away)
- As Homer is making his dramatic escape from the plant, he encounters a gigantic spider.Homer: (reading off a scroll) "To overcome the Spider's Curse, simple quote a Bible verse!"? Uh, thou shalt not... oh! (he throws a rock at the spider, knocking it out senseless)
- At the Duff Brewery, we see that Duff, Duff Lite and Duff Dry are all coming from the same pipe.
- Wiggum getting DOA and DWI mixed up, apparently twice.
- Homer throws himself out the window after Reverend Lovejoy tells him that, with Alc-Anon's help, he'll never have a beer again.
- Homer watches a baseball game with Barney, while sober:Announcer: The windup and the two-two pitch, oh, no, sir, wait a minute! The batter is calling for time. Looks like he's going and getting himself a new bat. And now there's a beach ball on the field. And the ballboys are discussing which one of them's gonna go get it.
Homer: (completely matter-of-fact) I never realized how boring this game is.
- Homer confesses that he was so desperate for a beer he snuck into a stadium after a football game so he could eat the dirt under the bleachers. This prompts a horrified Rev. Lovejoy to kick him out of Alc-Anon. "I cast thee out!"
- The entire sequence of Homer fleeing from all the Duff signs, including the train that sounds like someone saying "chugala" over and over, to the blimp with the sign proclaiming "SURRENDER TO DUFF!" as it drops Duff bottles by parachute.
- Homer sees Ralph Wiggum's science fair project and has his own vision of an alcohol-fueled car.Homer: (puts the fuel nozzle in the car) One for you. (removes it) One for me. (inserts the nozzle into his mouth, takes a drink of "GASOHOL", and puts it back in the car) One for you. (removes it again) One for me. (sticks the nozzle in his mouth a second time and drinks some more)
- Homer returns to Moe's Tavern after having stayed sober for a month:Moe: Well, well. Look who it is! Mr. "I-don't-need-alcohol-to-enjoy-life"! We hate him, right, fellas?
(the other bar patrons murmur in vague agreement)
Homer: (sits down at the bar) Moe... Gimme a beer!
Moe: Hey everybody! Homer's back!
(the other bar patrons murmur in vague agreement)
- Moe hands Homer a beer, but Homer has second thoughts about whether he should start drinking again, and stares awkwardly at his beer:Moe: (smiling encouragingly at Homer) Come on, Homer. Do it for your old pal, Moesy.
Barney: But, Moe! Yesterday, you called Homer a worthless sack of—
(Moe slaps Barney)
Moe: Quiet down, Rob-a-dub!
- Moe hands Homer a beer, but Homer has second thoughts about whether he should start drinking again, and stares awkwardly at his beer:
- Bart hides Lisa's report comparing his intelligence with a hamster, and starts to tell her that she'll have to decipher a series of clues, each more fiendish than the last. She finds it before he finishes the sentence.
- Before that, Bart's Epic Fail with the cupcake attached to an electrode. The hamster only needs to touch it once to learn a lesson. Bart? Well...Bart: (sees cupcake) Hey, a cupcake. (grabs it, gets shocked) Oh, a wiseguy, huh? (grabs it again. Gets shocked. Whimpers in irritation. He grabs it again.) Ow! (and again) Ow! (and again) Ow! (and again) Ow!
- The Brick Joke, when Bart learns about Lisa's report.
- Before that, Bart's Epic Fail with the cupcake attached to an electrode. The hamster only needs to touch it once to learn a lesson. Bart? Well...
- "My name is Hans. Drinking has ruined my life. I'm 31 years old!"
76. - "Last Exit to Springfield"
- The name of the dentist's office: Painless Dentistry, formerly Painful Dentistry.
- Ralph's appointment with Doctor WolfeWolfe: (as he finishes Ralph's examination) How often do ya brush, Ralph?
Ralph: Three times a day, sir.
Wolfe: (glaring) Why must you turn my office into a house of lies?
Ralph: Alright! I don't brush! I don't brush!
Wolfe: (picks up a book) Let's look at a picture book. The Big Book of British Smiles! (he flips through the book, showcasing horrible British teeth)
Ralph: (covers the final picture (of Prince Charles) and begins sobbing) That's enough! That's enough-gh-gh!
- Homer points out a scar on his head, which he claims to have gotten from a labor strike at the plant years ago. There's a flashback to said strike, with Homer's colleagues all shouting for this noble cause (equitable treatment from management). Instead of doing the same thing, Homer is at the empty snack van, periodically smacking the counter with his fist.Homer: (yelling) WHERE'S MY BURRITO?! WHERE'S MY BURRITO?! WHERE'S MY BURRITO?! [The awning falls down and crushes his head.] OWWW!
- "And then I got this scar here sneaking under the door of a pay toilet."
- The entire "Dental plan!" "Lisa needs braces." Overly Long Gag.
- Homer states that he'll have to be a better negotiator than Mr. Burns to get the dental plan back. Bart then tricks him intro trading a "delicious doorstop" for his "crummy old danish."
- Burns sends hired goons to Homer to bring him to the mansion.Homer: Hired goons?
- After Marge explains to Homer that his co-workers' niceness is really them picking on him, an upset Homer claims that "first thing tomorrow morning, I'm gonna punch Lenny in the back of the head!" Guess what happens in the next scene...
- "You can't treat the working man this way! Someday, we'll form a union and get the fair and equitable treatment we deserve! Then we'll go too far, and get corrupt and shiftless, and then the Japanese will eat us alive!"Mr. Burns: If only we had listened to that boy instead of walling him up in the abandoned coke oven.
- Mr. Burns reads a page from one of his many Monkeys on a Typewriter.Mr. Burns: (reading) "It was the best of times. It was the blurst of times!" You stupid monkey!
- Mr. Burns ends the tour of his home in his basement, a dingy room with a leaking pipe, a rusty locker, and a Ping-Pong table:Mr. Burns: And here's my basement.
Homer: It isn't as impressive as the rest of your house.
Mr. Burns: Yes, I really should stop ending the tour with it.
- Homer runs off to the bathroom in Mr. Burns' mansion ("23rd door on the left.")Mr. Burns: Find the bathroom all right?
Homer: (eyes shifting slightly) Uhhhh... yeah.
- Homer mistakes Mr. Burns's negotiation tactics for coming onto him.Mr. Burns: We don't have to be adversaries, Homer. We both want a fair union contract.
Homer: (thinking) Why is Mr. Burns being so nice to me?
Mr. Burns: And if you scratch my back, I'll scratch yours.
Homer: (thinking) Wait a minute. Is he coming onto me?
Mr. Burns: (leans in over the table) I mean, if I should slip something into your pocket, what's the harm?
Homer: (thinking) My God! He is coming onto me!
Mr. Burns: After all, negotiations make strange bedfellows! (chuckles, then winks at Homer)
Homer: (thinking) Aaaaaagh! (aloud) Sorry, Mr. Burns, but I don't go in for these backdoor shenanigans! Sure I'm flattered; maybe even a little curious. But the answer is no!
- Burns tells Smithers to hire the kind of strikebreakers they had in the '30s.Abe: We can't bust heads like we used to. But we have our ways. One trick is to tell them stories that don't go anywhere. Like the time I caught the ferry to Shelbyville. I needed a new heel for m'shoe. So I decided to go to Morganville, which is what they called Shelbyville in those days. So I tied an onion to my belt, which was the style at the time. Now, to take the ferry cost a nickel, and in those days, nickels had pictures of bumblebees on 'em. 'Gimme five bees for a quarter,' you'd say. Now where were we... oh yeah. The important thing was that I had an onion on my belt, which was the style at the time. They didn't have any white onions, because of the war. The only thing you could get was those big yellow ones...
- The Smartline scene with Kent Brockman, especially Homer's deadpan face as he screams.Kent: Homer, organised labor has been called a "lumbering dinosaur".
Kent: Uh, my director is telling me not to talk to you anymore...
- In the same scene, Mr. Burns is promised an opening tirade.Mr. Burns: 15 minutes from now, I will reek a terrible vengeance on this city! No one will be spared! NO ONE!
Kent Brockman: (chuckles) A chilling vision of things to come.
- In the same scene, Mr. Burns is promised an opening tirade.
- The sequence where Burns and Smithers go to turn off the power. First they go through a pair of doors marked 'AUTHORISED PERSONNEL ONLY'. Then they come to a security door where Burns has to insert his entire face for it to confirm his ID. Then they pass through an iris-shaped security door, slide down two fireman's poles into a secret library, and Burns pulls a book on a bookshelf to make the entire shelf rotate and admit them to the top-security inner sanctum control room — which turns out to be a crappy little shack with a broken door and a stray dog sniffing around, which an exasperated Burns promptly kicks.Mr. Burns: Oh for God's sake...!
- Mr. Burns agrees to the labor union's demands. Then Homer celebrates in a weird manner.Mr. Burns: All right, Homer. You can have the dental plan, but you must resign as head of the union.
Homer: WOO-HOO! (gets on the floor and spins around in circles on his left shoulder) WHOO woo-woo-woo-woo woop-woop-woop!
Mr. Burns: Smithers, I'm beginning to think that Homer Simpson was not the brilliant tactician I thought he was.
Homer: (still spinning) WHOO woo-woo-woo woop-woop-woop! WHOO woo-woo-woo woop-woop-woop! WHOO woo-woo-woo woop-woop-woop!
- Bart's "April Fools' Day" prank on Homer involves Bart taking a can of Duff beer to a local hardware store and shaking it up in a paint can shaker. Then he places it in the refrigerator as it shakes around vigorously and waits for Homer to take it out and drink it. Bart becomes impatient with Homer so he turns up the temperature in the house. Being thirsty due to the heat, Homer goes to the refrigerator and takes out the very same can. As he opens it, Bart shouts "April Foo-" and the house explodes in a mushroom cloud.
- In a police car, Lou notices the mushroom cloud coming from the Simpsons' house (after the above events) and tells Chief Wiggum.Lou: That sounded like an explosion at the old Simpson place.
Chief Wiggum: Forget it, That's two blocks away.
Lou: Looks like there's beer coming out of the chimney.
Chief Wiggum: I am proceeding on foot. Call in a code 8. (exits the car)
Lou: (reporting on the radio) We need pretzels. Repeat: Pretzels! (cut to Wiggum, running like hell to the Simpsons' place with a hungry expression on his face)
- Various characters come visit Homer at the hospital.
- Barney makes a One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest reference, first attempting to suffocate Homer with a pillow after his panicked reaction to a beer, and then picking up a water fountain, chucking it out the window, and running off.
- Homer scares his dad Abe by foaming at the mouth.
- Abe's description of what comas are like: "You relive long-lost summers, kiss girls from high school, it's like one of those TV shows where they show a bunch of clips from old episodes.
- Mr. Burns tries to take Homer off life support.
- Bart randomly bringing up an Itchy and Scratchy episode as a lead-in to a clip. When asked why, he replies. "It was an amusing episode. Of our lives."
78. - "The Front"
- Krusty insists on not mentioning his Jewish heritage on the air (despite that he introduced the audience to his rabbi father in "Like Father, Like Klown").Lisa: It's so sad that Krusty is ashamed of his roots.
Homer: Marge, it happened again!
(Homer walks in with a plunger stuck to his head. He tries to pull it loose, but the handle comes off and he exits)
Bart: What are you gonna change your name to when you grow up?
Lisa: Lois Sanborn.
Bart: Steve Bennett.
- Homer and Marge get ready to go to their Springfield High School reunion.Homer: It'll be great to see the old gang: Potsie, Ralph Malph, the Fonz.
Marge: That wasn't you. That was Happy Days.
Homer: No, they weren't all happy days, like the time Pinky Tuscadaro crashed her motorcycle, or the time I lost all my money to those card sharks and my dad Tom Bosley had to get it back.
- "Homer's not here, man!"
- Homer's brain tells him to tell Marge his terrible secret.Homer: Marge, I ate those fancy soaps you bought for the bathroom.
Marge: Oh, my God!
Homer's Brain: No, the other secret!
Homer: Marge, I never graduated from high school.
Marge: Well, that still doesn't explain why you ate my soap. Wait. Maybe it does.
- Homer deciding to go back to high school to complete the course he flunked and get back his "Most Improved Odour" trophy.
- The following conversation takes place as Homer gets his final exam.Principal Dondelinger: This is your exam. It's a series of questions, answered True or False.
Principal Dondelinger: That wasn't a question, I was just describing the test.
Principal Dondelinger: Just take the test, and you'll be fine.
- The following conversation takes place as Homer gets his final exam.
- Immediately after that, Homer discusses with his brain again.Homer: All right, brain, you don't like me and I don't like you, but let's just do this so I can go back to killing you with beer.
Homer's Brain: It's a deal.
- Grampa Abe "checks" his underwear so he can tell Bart and Lisa his first name.Lisa: Grampa, how'd you take off your underwear without taking off your pants?
Abe: I... don't... know!
- Grampa Abe dreams of being "Queen of the Old West".
- Roger Meyers giving a tour to Bart and Lisa:Roger Meyers, Jr.: Are you coming?
Abe: Any stairs?
Roger Meyers, Jr.: Just one.
Abe: Nuts to you! (resumes sleeping)
- Meyers admitting that the artists use Wraparound Background to cut corners, while walking along one.
- When Abe describes to Homer his job of being paid to tell a cat and mouse what to do, Homer has an Imagine Spot of wheel-barrowing his gibbering dad to the nuthouse.
- Which is followed by Bart asking if he and Lisa can talk with Abe by themselves.Bart: Dad, can we talk to Grandpa alone for a minute?
Homer: Alright. But if he starts to wig out, try to lure him into the cellar.
- Which is followed by Bart asking if he and Lisa can talk with Abe by themselves.
- Homer at night school with Principal Dondelinger:Dondelinger: Now, I'm going to, uh, burn this donut, to show you how many calories it has.
Dondelinger: The bright blue flame indicates this was a particularly sweet donut.
Homer: (sobbing) This is not happening! This is not happening!
- Homer and Marge's reunion with Dondelinger:Marge: Hello Principal Dondelinger.
Dondelinger: Oh Marge Bouvier, it's so good to see you. (to Homer) Sorry sir, we're not letting vagrants sleep in the gym tonight but we will be putting some scraps by the back door.
Dondelinger: Oh, it's you Simpson. Yeech.
79. - "Whacking Day"
- Skinner's carefully constructed and foolproof ruse to lure the school troublemakers away from Chalmer's inspection.Skinner: In other news, the following students have won mountain bikes: Bart Simpson, Jimbo Jones, and Nelson Muntz.
(Nelson is outside, forcing crud down Milhouse's shirt)
Nelson: I want you to keep filling your shirt with crud till I get back!
Milhouse: Yes, sir... (he starts doing so)
Skinner: You can pick up your mountain bikes in storage basement B. (leans back in his chair) Fools. (he starts to laugh maniacally, until he stops) Oops. Still on.
(in the storage basement, Bart and the bullies are listening in)
Bart: Wonder what he meant by that "fools" remark?
Nelson: Who cares?! I'm gonna get me a mountain bike!
- Skinner's pondering after locking up the school troublemakers:Skinner: Would the world judge me so harshly if I threw away the key?
Willie: No, but the PTA would tear ya a new arse.
Skinner: Wise talk, William. But the potty talk adds nothing!
Willie: Aye, sir. (as Skinner walks away) Ya bath-taking, underpants-wearing lily-hugger.
- The ceremony before "Whacking Day" commences has Mayor Quimby introducing a special guest.Mayor Quimby: And now, to open this year's festivities, here's our Grand Marshall, the Prophet of Love, Larry White!
Barry White: Barry White!
Mayor Quimby: No, it says here "Larry White."
Barry White: I know my own name.
Mayor Quimby: Yeah? Well, we'll see!
- Barry is shocked at finding out what Whacking Day is all about.Barry White: You people make me sick! (crowd cheers) Are they even listening to me?
Mayor Quimby: My guess would be no.
- Grampa Abe tells a most insane war story where he gets shot down over Germany, lives out the war posing as a German cabaret singer in Dusseldorf and flirts with Adolf Hitler. After the flashback, he states that "most" of the story that was true: "I did wear a dress for a period in the '40s. Oh, they had designers then!"
- Marge decides to home school Bart, and sets up a classroom in the garage. As she prepares to introduce herself as "Mrs. Simpson", a paper airplane gets lodged in her beehive hairdo. Despite being the only other person there, Bart's response to the look she gives him is "I didn't do it!"
- Marge suggests that Bart read Johnny Tremaine. Bart isn't interested until she tells him the protagonist got his hand deformed in an accident. "They should call this book, Johnny Deformed.
- Homer gives advice to Lisa on what to do about her feelings against Whacking Day: "Just squeeze your rage into a bitter, little ball, and release it at an appropriate time. Like that day I hit the referee with a whiskey bottle. [in a baby voice] Remember that? When Daddy hit the referee."
- I am Evil Homer! I am Evil Homer!
- Bart's Imagine Spot of Willie's tractor encouraging him to take it for a joyride. When it starts clucking at him, a rooster appears next to Bart and says, "He's insulting both of us!"
- The tour guide at Olde Springfield Town tells the story of how a group of soldiers were told that if they sent their captain out, the rest would be spared. They sent him out to be horribly killed. "And how! That's why they called it Fort Sensible."
- At the end of the episode, Skinner remembers that Jimbo, Nelson and the other bullies are still locked inside the school (the viewers are shown that they're fine). He grabs a few mountain bikes with Willie, hoping that if the bullies are still alive, the bikes will keep them from suing the school.Willie: And if they're not?Skinner: Then we'll ride these bikes, Willie, ride them to the border and freedom!Willie: *mumbling* I'll turn you in at the first toll booth.
80. - "Marge in Chains"
- Bart's immune system in action.(down in Bart's stomach, a group of antibodies are fighting the flu virus; one antibody goes up to a larger antibody)
Antibody: (in Squeaky Voiced Teen's voice) Sarge, we keep getting orders to let the virus win.
Sargent: Hmm. Must be a school day. Lay down your arms!
(the antibodies immediately fold flat in front of the virus, who starts absorbing them)
Virus: (with Snake's voice) All right! Let's make some pus!
- The Flanders family wonder how they got the Osaka Flu. Ned recalls how he once laughed at an episode of Married... with Children.Ned: Oh, the network slogan is true: Watch FOX and be damned for all eternity.
- The citizens of Springfield showing their usual intelligence faced with the flu:(outside Hibbert's HMO, an angry mob is chanting)
Mob: WE NEED A CURE! WE NEED A CURE!
Hibbert: Why, the only cure is bed rest. Anything else would only be a placebo.
Panicky woman: Where do we get these placebos?!
Man: Maybe there's some in this truck!
(the mob promptly tips the truck over, knocking over a case filled with killer bees, which promptly start attacking everyone. One man grabs a bee and eats it)
Man: I'm cured! I mean, ouch!
- The aftermath of a bake sale makes the people of Springfield realize the consequences of putting Marge in jail.Park Ranger: $15 short, exactly what Marge Simpson's marshmallow squares usually bring in. Can we still afford that statue of Lincoln?
Man: No, I'm afraid we'll have to go with something cheaper.
- The statue that was purchased is unveiled to the townspeople.Mayor Quimby: People of Springfield, I give you this statue of our 39th President, Jimmy Carter!
Man in Crowd: Oh, come on!
Second Man in Crowd: (points angrily) He's history's greatest monster!
- The statue that was purchased is unveiled to the townspeople.
- When Marge is released, the city presents her with a statue of "her" (which turns out to be the Jimmy Carter statue with her signature hairdo added to it), which the kids turn into a tetherball pole.
- Chief Wiggum releasing the hounds on rioters. It doesn't go how he expects.Chief Wiggum: Release the dogs!
Lou: Gee, they look pretty mad.
Wiggum: Yeah, I've been starving them, teasin' 'em, singing off key. (starts singing off-key at the dogs, just as they're let out. They maul him)
- During the riot, one man can be seen in the background stealing a TV in nothing but his underpants.
- Lionel Hutz as Marge's lawyer, which gets off to a bad start:Hutz: Uh-oh, we've drawn Judge Snyder.
Marge: Is that bad?
Hutz: Well, he's had it in for me ever since I kinda ran over his dog.
Marge: You did?
Hutz: Well, replace the word "kinda" with the word "repeatedly", and the word "dog" with "son".
- When he starts his cross-examination of Apu:Hutz: Mrs. Simpson claims she forgot she was carrying that bottle of delicious... bourbon... brownest of the brown liquors... (holds the bottle close) So tempting. What's that? You want me to drink you? But I'm in the middle of a trial! (to the judge) Excuse me.
(Hutz slowly begins walking out of the room, only to break into a run until he reaches a payphone)
Hutz: Hello, David? I'm really tempted...
David Crosby: Just take it one day at a time, and know that I love you.
Hutz: I love you too, man.
- Upon returning:Hutz: So, Mr. Nahasapeemapetilon, if that is your real name, have you ever forgotten anything?
Apu: No. In fact, I can recite pi to forty thousand places. The last digit is one.
Homer: Mmm, pie...
Hutz: Well, if you never forget anything, then tell me this, what colour tie am I wearing?
Apu: You are wearing a red and white club tie in an up-Windsor knot.
(Oh, Crap! expression from Hutz, as he begins wrestling with his tie)
Hutz: Oh, really? Is that what you think? Because if that is what you think, I have something to tell you, something that may shock and discredit you, and that thing is as follows: (turns back to face Apu) I'm not wearing a tie at all!
Apu: But if I am wrong about that, maybe I am wrong about Mrs. Simpson.
Hutz: (lifts his arm, revealing his tie is stuffed up his sleeve) No further questions.
- And humiliating himself during his closing statement:Hutz: And so, ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I rest my case.
Judge Snyder: Mr. Hutz, are you aware you're not wearing any pants?
Hutz: What? (he looks down to see he is in fact only wearing boxers, at which point he screams; David Crosby shakes his head in disappointment)
Hutz: I move for a bad court thingy.
Judge Snyder: You mean a mistrial?
Hutz: Yeah! That's why you're the judge and I'm the law-talking guy!
Judge Snyder: The lawyer.
- And then he commits jury tampering by submitting a cocktail napkin that still says "Guilty" on it...and he has the word misspelled.
- When he starts his cross-examination of Apu:
- Mr. Burns finds Homer eating a sandwich in his special flu-resistant pod. Cue one of the most epic of all Epic Fails.Mr. Burns: Who the devil are you?!
Homer's Brain: Now don't panic. Just come up with a good story.
Homer: My name is Mr. Burns.
Homer's Brain: D'OH!
81. - "Krusty Gets Kancelled"
- The "Springfield Squares" bit in the beginning. The beachside gameshow is interrupted by a coast guard who reports that a 50 foot tidal wave is coming. The celebrities retreat to Barry White's square on the upper-right ("It's safe, and it's sexy. Oh, baby.") except for one stubborn codger on bottom.Rainier Wolfcastle: Hurry, Charley. There is not much time.
Charley: I ain't a-going nowhere! I've been in this square near thirty seasons, and I ain't a-leaving now! (Gets hit by wave) Waugh!
(Cut to Homer and Bart watching at home)
Homer: Well, he's dead now. (He and Bart laugh at Charley's expense)
- This is immediately followed by a deliberately cryptic ad: "Gabbo, Gabbo, GABBO!"Bart: Did you see that?
Bart: What do you think it is?
Homer: I figure it's some guy's name. Some guy named Gabbo.
- A few days later:Lisa: Our first glimpse of Gabbo!
Homer: HE'LL tell us what to do!
- Krusty attempts to get people to watch his show:Krusty: Alright, here's the deal. Every time you watch my show, I will send you...(holds up a cheque)...40 dollars!
Voiceover: (quickly) Cheques will not be honored.
- Krusty's disastrous attempt at aping Gabbo's success by doing a ventriloquist act of his own.Krusty: So, you want ventriloquism, do ya? Alright, watch this! Hello, Alphonse! I've got a riddle for you! Why is a raven like a writing desk?
Alphonse the Dummy: I don't know! Why is a— (Alphonse's jaw falls out and the children in the audience scream)
Krusty: Hey, the dummy can't hurt you! He's not even alive! He's dead! (knocks Alphonse's head and ends up breaking it, making the kids scream once more. Krusty then kicks the dummy into the audience in frustration, making the kids scream one more time.)
- Due to "The Itchy & Scratchy Show" going to the "Gabbo" show, Krusty shows a cartoon from Eastern Europe called "Worker and Parasite". Said "cartoon" turns out to feature two ugly caricaturish cartoon animals (a cat and a mouse) that move randomly across the screen, with the background switching between several different backdrops, all whilst ranting to each other in Russian-sounding gibberish, before abruptly ending. It really must be seen to be believed, and Krusty's response speaks for the viewer.Krusty: (standing still dumbfounded and smoking a cigarette) What the hell was that?!
- Krusty begs Sideshow Mel to join him for his comeback (which then turns into a heartwarming moment).Krusty: Ah, come on. You wanna spend your life hanging out with a bunch of dorky teenagers?
Squeaky-Voiced Teen: Here's your taco, Mister. Whoops. It fell in the fryer. I'll get it out. Ow! Ow! Ow-w-w! Ow-w-w!
Sideshow Mel: Sorry Krusty, I like it here. Mr. Johansen treats me with dignity.
Mr. Johansen: Is this clown bothering you, Mel?
Sideshow Mel: It's all right, Mr. Johansen, I'll handle it.
Squeaky-Voiced Teen: Here's your taco, sir.
Krusty: I don't want it!
Squeaky-Voiced Teen: But this comes out of my salary! If I had a girlfriend, she'd kill me.
- Mayor Quimby is having a press conference about a money scandal and borrows Gabbo's catchphrase.Mayor Quimby: (totally nonchalant) I admit I used the city treasury to fund the murder of my enemies. But as Gabbo would say, "I'm a bad widdle boy."
- The newspaper immediately following has the headlines, "Quimby Reelected by Landslide: and "Two More Bodies Surface in Springfield Harbor."
- After Bart sneaks into the tv studio and catches Gabbo on camera bad-mouthing Springfield's kids, we then cut to Kent Brockman (during his "My Two Cents" opinion spot) where he gives a self-serving rebuke for Gabbo's "all the kids in Springfield are SO Bs" remark. He thinks that the newscast has gone to commercial and, snickering, says, "That oughta hold the little SOBs, heh-heh!" ... Cue a hastily-created graphic appearing on the screen saying "Brockman in Trouble" ... and Brockman realizing he's been caught.
- It then cuts to a spinning newspaper saying 'Gabbo Still no. 1 in Springfield' with a side-article that says: 'Brockman Fired'.
- Bette Midler has a Disproportionate Retribution on highway litterers.Snake: Oh, no! Bette Midler! (Bette Midler proceeds to chase down the car on foot and throw the can back in the driver's window with enough force to make it crash).
- Krusty begging in the street with a sign saying "Will drop pants for food." When Bart asks if he's making any money, he replies, "Nah, that guys giving it away for free."Old Jewish Man: The old grey mare she ain't what she used to be, ain't what she used to be...
- By the end of the act, just after Krusty resolves to claw his way back on TV, he turns it on to see the Old Jewish man singing again. "And now, The Crazy Old Man singers..."
- Krusty drinks a lot of milkshakes and becomes morbidly obese. Bart and Lisa find out.Lisa: Krusty, what have you done to yourself?
Krusty: I thought I'd get in shape so I've been drinking nothing but milkshakes.
Lisa: You mean those diet milkshakes?
- Krusty dismisses the Red Hot Chili Peppers' performance in their underwear as degrading... right before he has to dress up like a little kid from the early 19th century for a sketch. Hypocritical Humor at its finest. "Give me a bigger lolly!"
- Luke Perry is shot out of a cannon. He misses the safety net, flies out a studio window, goes through the Museum of Sandpaper, crashes through jars of acid Apu had stacked (for some reason) and he can be heard screaming, "My face! My valuable face!" Then Luke lands safely in a pillow factory... only to have it demolished while he's still inside.
- Also Krusty's Imagine Spot from beforehand where he launches Luke facefirst into a brick wall, followed by a magazine headlined "New Look for Luke" with a picture of his (hilariously) mangled face.
- During the wrap party at Moe's, Hugh Hefner flunks the Love Tester machine.
82. - "Homer's Barbershop Quartet"
- "Melvin and the Squirrels."Bart: What the hell is this?
Comic Book Guy: Melvin and the Squirrels; part of the rodent invasion of the 1960s.
Melvin and the Squirrels: Stuck a feather in his hat...
Melvin: ...and called it Rice-A-Roni!
Dave Seville Expy: Mel-VIN!!!
- The Be Sharps are performing at the Springfield Retirement Castle.Abe: That's my son up there!
Old Jewish Man: What, the balding fatass?
Abe: Er... no, the Hindu guy.
- The Be Sharps perform in front of convicted criminals at the Springfield State Prison.Snake: (holding a small gray rock) I'm gonna nail that cop right between the eyes... right after this song is over.
(The Be Sharps finish singing. From the crowd, Snake throws the rock and hits Chief Wiggum, knocking him off the stage. Then Snake laughs)
- At the start of that song, the Be Sharps were on their knees. Wiggum was straining himself trying to get up.
- The group of singers is holding tryouts to replace Chief Wiggum. Homer decides he has had enough of putting up with his dad's audition.Homer: Get off the stage!
Abe: I want to, but I can't!
- Jasper's audition consists of him singing the theme from A Summer Place, but he doesn't seem to realize that it has lyrics because he just sings the title.Jasper: (sings) Theeeeeeme...from a suuuummer plaaaace...from a suuuuummer plaaaaace, the theeeeeeme, from a suuuumer place — it's, the theeeeeme...
- Jasper's audition consists of him singing the theme from A Summer Place, but he doesn't seem to realize that it has lyrics because he just sings the title.
- Apu is told by the group's agent, Nigel, that he needs to have his last name changed.Apu: It is a great dishonor to my ancestors and my god, but okay!
- What makes it even funnier is that Nigel wanted it changed to be shorter. Which it is, by a whole three (four without the space) letters:Du Beaumarchais
- What makes it even funnier is that Nigel wanted it changed to be shorter. Which it is, by a whole three (four without the space) letters:
- A reporter asking Apu (who had to change his last name to Du Beaumarchais for the group) if he is Indian.Apu: By the many arms of Vishnu, I swear it is a lie.
- One of the B-Sharps' performances has them in New York playing for Reagan. Homer decides to do a dedication:Homer: We'd like to dedicate this next number to a very special woman. She's a hundred years old, and she weighs over two hundred... tons.
Man: This enormous woman will devour us all! (he screams and jumps overboard)
Homer: Er, I meant the statue [of Liberty]...
- Homer meets George Harrison in the flashback.Homer: (narrating) And then came the greatest moment of my life.
George Harrison: Hello, Homer. I'm George Harrison.
Homer: Oh my God! OH MY GOD! Where did you get that brownie?!?
George Harrison: Over there, there's a big pile of them.
(Homer just spends the next 20 seconds shoving brownies into his mouth, without regarding George Harrison at all)
Homer: Ohhh, man... (continues gorging)
George Harrison: (sincerely) Well, what a nice fella.
- Barney and his girlfriend record a song that supposedly sounds similar to the start of John Lennon's song "Revolution #9".Number 8. *BELCH* Number 8. *BELCH* Number 8. *BELCH* Number 8. *BELCH* Number 8. *BELCH* Number 8. *BELCH* Number 8. *BELCH*
- Homer finding, and dismissing, a number of Mrs Glick's valuables at the swap meet: the Declaration of Independence, Action Comics #1, a sheet of rare stamps with an upside down plane, and a, "Strada-Who-vious?"
- "I'd like a single plum, floating in perfume, served in a man's hat."
- And then Moe produces exactly that — preprepared — without comment.
- On the way home from the swap meet, Homer reveals that he sold their spare tyre. Cue a blowout and an annoyed grunt.
- George Harrison takes one look at the Be Sharps' rooftop concert and sums up the entire episode.
83. - "Cape Feare"
- The Simpson family looks through all of Sideshow Bob's threatening letters to Bart. Marge notices that one reading "I KILL YOU SCUM!" isn't written in blood. It turns out Homer wrote that after Bart somehow wrote the words "WIDE LOAD" on his butt. Bart, Marge, Lisa, Abe, and Nelson (who randomly appears at the kitchen window) all laugh about it.
- At one point, Homer gets one of the letters and thinks it's for him. He loudly freaks out and the whole family dash around him, even a random mouse.
- There's a brilliantly delivered Noodle Incident which occurs as Bart and Lisa try to figure out who is sending Bart letters written in blood.Lisa: Bart, I figured it out! Who's someone you've been making irritating phone calls to for years?
Bart: Linda Lavin?
Lisa: No, someone who didn't deserve it!
- Then Lisa calls Moe, and warns him to stop or they'll call the police. In panic, Moe goes behind the bar where a bunch of mobsters are gathered. Moe tells them that business is over... and free a group of pandas they had captive.
- "Parole granted!"Blue Haired Lawyer: And what about that tattoo on your chest? Doesn't it say "Die, Bart, Die"?
Bob: No, that's German for "The Bart, The".
- Bart is woken up by his radio alarm:Radio announcer: And this one goes out to Bart Simpson with the message "I am coming to kill you, slowly and painfully!"
["Wipe Out!" by the Surfaris begins playing, while Bart fearfully lowers himself under his blanket]
- Sideshow Bob and the Simpsons end up meeting each other by coincidence at a movie theater after he's granted parole.Marge: You awful man! Stay away from my son!
Bob: Oh, I'll stay away from your son, all right...stay away...forever!
Homer: Oh, no!
Bob: Wait a minute. That's no good. (groans, leaves, then returns) Wait, I've got a good one now! Marge, say, "Stay away from my son!" again!
Marge: (annoyed) No! (Bob groans and leaves)
- Chief Wiggum glances over some other laws in a book, after Lou points that yes, it is illegal to mail threatening letters.Chief Wiggum: Well, shut my mouth. It's also illegal to put squirrels down your pants for the purposes of gambling. (the camera pans over to some other cops doing just that) Boys, knock it off!
- Chief Wiggum informs Homer about a certain way the law works.Chief Wiggum: Once a man is in your home, anything you do to him is nice and legal.
Homer: Is that so? (leans head out window) Oh Flanders, won't you join me in my kitchen?
(Homer stands lying menacingly in wait behind a doorframe, pounding his fist into his other hand)
Chief Wiggum: Uhh, it doesn't work if you invite him. (Flanders arrives at that very moment)
Homer: Go home.
Ned: (turns right around) Doodely-doo!
- The Witness Relocation Program attempts to move the Simpsons to a new location.Agent 1: Don't worry, Mrs. Simpson. We've helped hundreds of people in danger. We'll give you a new name, a new job. New identities.
Homer: Ooh! I wanna be John Elway!
(dissolve to Homer's fantasy of playing for the Denver Broncos, also the only player in a leather helmet)
Announcer: Elway takes the snap and runs it in for a touchdown! Thanks to Elway's patented last second magic, the final score of Super Bowl XXX, Denver: 7 San Francisco: 56.
Homer: (back in the office) Woo-hoo!
- The discussion continues.Agent 2: We have places your family can hide in peace and security. Cape Feare, Terror Lake, New Horrorfield, Screamville...
Homer: Ooh! Ice Creamville!
Agent 2: Uh, no. Screamville.
- The Agents tell Homer he is now Homer Thompson and address him with that name.Agent 1: Tell you what: From now on, you'll be Homer Thompson at Terror Lake. Let's just practice for a bit. When I say, "Hello, Mr. Thompson," you'll say, "Hi."
Agent 1: Hello, Mr. Thompson. (Homer sits at the table silently) Remember now: Your name is Homer Thompson.
Homer: I gotcha.
Agent 1: Hello, Mr. Thompson. (Again, Homer sits at the table silently)
(Agents 1 and 2 look at each other, there's a transition to much later where they've taken their jackets off, 2 is smoking, and the other Simpsons look exhausted)
Agent 1: (exasperated) Now when I say, "Hello, Mr. Thompson," and press down on your foot, you smile and nod.
Homer: No problem.
Agent 1: (while stomping repeatedly on Homer's foot) Hello, Mr. Thompson.
Homer: (looks at his foot, pauses, then leans back and whispers to Agent 2) I think he's talking to you.
- The discussion continues.
- Shortly after arriving at the houseboat, Homer assures Marge he tied up all the loose ends before they left. Cut to Abe outside the house.Abe: Hello! Helloooooo! You have my pills! Hellooooooo? I'm cold and there are wolves after me.
(howling is heard in the distance)
- Homer unknowingly torments Sideshow Bob as the family drive to their new home. Bob had strapped himself to the underside of the Simpsons' car, but couldn't plan on Homer's... unique style of driving.Homer: (seeing a whole lot of cacti in the distance) Hey, kids? Who wants to drive through that cactus patch?
Sideshow Bob: (horrified) NO!
Homer: Oop! 2 against 1! (he turns and drives through the cacti, oblivious to Bob's moans and screaming in agony)
- The highlight of Sideshow Bob's long and memorable existence:
- ker-THWACK!! (annoyed grumble/moan) ker-THWACK!!(annoyed grumble/moan) ker-THWACK!! (annoyed grumble/moan) ker-THWACK!!(annoyed grumble/moan) ker-THWACK!! (annoyed grumble/moan) ker-THWACK!!(annoyed grumble/moan) ker-THWACK!! (annoyed grumble/moan) ker-THWACK!!(annoyed grumble/moan) ker-THWACK!! (annoyed grumble/moan)
- The Brick Joke later on, when Bob springs into action. The first thing that happens? ker-THWACK!!
- Meta-example. Originally, Bob was only going to step on one rake and Kelsey Grammer provided one groan while recording. The episode was running short, even with an extended Couch Gag, so they extended the rake scene to fill in for extra time. The same groan was used following each rake, and Grammer reportedly loved the result when he first saw it.
- Bart discovers that Sideshow Bob has followed the family to Terror Lake.Bob: Surely there is no harm in lying in the middle of a public street? (a parade occurs and everything tramples over him) AHHH, NOT the elephants! (He gets crushed by elephants carrying marquees that says: "Terror Lake. Salutes. Hannibal. Crossing. The. Alps.")
- A separate elephant was used for the word "The".
- Bart is trying to fall asleep in the houseboat, but Homer scares him twice within a matter of seconds:Homer: BART! YOUWANTSOMEBROWNIESBEFOREYOUGOTOBED?!
Homer: BART! YOUWANNASEEMYNEWCHAINSAWANDHOCKEYMASK!?
- Sideshow Bob bursts into Bart's bedroom.Bob: Your family can't help you now!
(the entire family is shown tied up, including Santa's Little Helper and Snowball II, Homer is still asleep and drooling)
Lisa: Oh no, Dad's been drugged!
Marge: No, he hasn't.
- During the climax, Bart tries to jump over the side of the houseboat to escape Bob, but sees a crocodile snap at him in the water. Bart then runs to the other side of the boat, but sees a group of electric eels on the other side (somehow). Bart then runs to the first side again, only to see the crocodile snap at him again.Bart: Oh, yeah...
- Bob gets apprehended when the boat collides with the shore where police just happen to be waiting. "It's a good thing you drifted by this brothel."Bart: Take him away, boys.
Chief Wiggum: Hey, I'm the chief here.! Bake him away, toys.
Lou: What'd you say Chief?
Chief Wiggum: Do what the kid says.
- As the Simpson family gets to go back home after Sideshow Bob is arrested (again), they see Abe standing outside the house, begging for the family to let him in so he can take his medication as he has turned into a woman (physically, as in, he grew breasts and a curvy body). Jasper (Grampa's on-again/off-again friend) offers the newly-feminized Grampa a date rather than have the family go in the house and get his meds.
- At the very beginning of the episode, Lisa receives a call from her pen-pal Anya, in a wonderful burst of Black Comedy.Dear Lisa, as I write this, I am very sad, for our president has been overthrown (voiceover chances to a gruff male voice) And replaced by the benevolent General Krull. All hail Krull, and his glorious new regime! Sincerely, little girl.
- Sideshow Bob's one-man performance of H.M.S. Pinafore is awesome. That at some point during the two hour long performance, he acquires costumes and produces a freaking playbill, and Bart even seems to forget Bob is trying to kill him and joins in the singing, on the other hand...
84. - "Homer Goes to College"
- When the Nuclear Power Plant is having a meltdown, Mr. Burns gets in an escape pod and locks Smithers out.Smithers: For the love of God sir, there are two seats!
Mr. Burns: (opens pod door and pokes his head out) I like to put my feet up. (closes door again)
- The escape pod malfunctions soon after takeoff, sending Mr. Burns crashing down the street.
- Homer and some of the plant's other worst employees are assigned to the basement during the inspection to guard a bee in a jar. They fail.Homer: The bee bit my bottom, now my bottom's big!
- One of the inspectors is baffled about the work station simulation meltdown that Homer caused.Inspector: I still don't understand how he caused the meltdown. There wasn't any nuclear material in the truck.
- And Homer's brief rampage:"RAAAWWWR!! MUST. DESTROY. MANKIND. (watch beeps) Ooooh, lunchtime! (shakes off the glowing radiation)
- And Homer's brief rampage:
- At a meeting where Mr. Burns lobbies for Homer to be accepted to college in spite of his obvious lack of academic ability, he has a giant demon chair. He then attempts to recreate the scene from The Untouchables where Al Capone beats an underling to death with a baseball bat. Emphasis on attempts.Board Member: What are you doing?
Mr. Burns: (already pained and struggling) I'm giving you the beating of your life.
Board Member: Look, if— Stop that. If you wanted him that badly, why didn't you just say so?
Mr. Burns: Smithers, dismember the body and send his widow a corsage.
- Lisa helps Homer apply to college.Lisa: Dad, don't let these college essays get you down. Let's see: "List your 3 favorite books and how they've influenced your life".
Homer: Is TV Guide a book?
Lisa: (flatly) No.
Homer: Son Of Sniglet?
Lisa: (flatly) No.
Homer: Katherine Hepburn's Me?
Lisa: (annoyed) No!
Homer: (moaning) Aw, I suck!
- Homer receives a letter in the mail which tells him he has been accepted into Springfield University.Homer: Woo-hoo! I'm a college man! I won't need my high school diploma anymore! (lights it on fire) I am so smart, I am so smart, I am so smart, I am so smart. S-M-R-T! I mean S-M-A-R-T!
- Homer's physics professor makes an opening joke about "out with the old and in with the nucleus". Everyone laughs except Homer. A moment later he drops his notes, and Homer laughs hysterically.
- Homer learned everything he needs to know about college life from a cheesy Animal House ripoff movie called The School of Hard Knockers.
- Homer attempts to prank call the dean.Homer: (in a badly disguised voice) Hello Dean, you're a stupid head!
Dean: (looks out the window and sees Homer on a pay phone) Homer, is that you?
Homer: (screams and runs away)
- Mr. Burns bribing the Nuclear Regulatory Commission inspectors: "You can either have the washer and dryer where the lovely Smithers is standing, or you can trade it all in for what's in this box."
- "The Box! The Box!"
- The nerds assuring Homer that they can survive on their own.Snake: Uh, wallet inspector!
Doug: (the nerds immediately give him their wallets) Here you go. I believe that's all order.
Snake: Whoah! I can't believe that worked! (runs away)
Homer: (slowly realizing the nerds are now broke) Hey, that's not the wallet inspector!
- Homer boasting that he's worked in a nuclear power plant.Homer: Uhh, excuse me, Professor Brainiac, but I worked in a nuclear power plant for ten years and I think I know how a proton accelerator works.
Professor: Well, please come down and show us.
Homer: All right, I will!
(Smash Cut to the building emitting a green glow. Students run away screaming while Homer, once again glowing green, addresses two technicians in radiation suits)
Homer: In there, guys.
Technicians: Thanks, Homer.
- When he finds out he doesn't have to attend the review session at the end of his class, Homer is quick to ditching it so he can chase squirrels around a tree with a stick while giggling like a little girl.
- Homer finally gets the nerds readmitted to the college by admitting to the dean it was his fault they got expelled in the first place, and thinks everything has worked out... only to be handed the semesters final exam and realize he never actually did any studying! The nerds help him with a massive cram session leading up to the exam... and he still gets an F because there's no way to make up that much studying in that short of time.
- Homers original plan for the exam was to "hide under some coats and hope everything somehow works itself out."
- Homer tries to deliver An Aesop at the end of the episode. It doesn't go very well.Homer: These nerds learned about the value of the world outside college.Nerd: No we didn't.Homer: Oh. And I learned that the true meaning of college is to study and work hard!Lisa: No you didn't! You only passed your course by cheating which you always taught us was wrong!Homer: Oh right.
- The credits montage of Homer taking the session again.
85. - "Rosebud"
- The opening scene shows guards outside Mr. Burns' mansion.(The Wizard of Oz-esque guards goose-step in sync with one another while chanting)
Guards: All we own, we oo-wwe. All we own, we oo-wwe!
(Mr. Smithers pops his head out of the window, quietly and beratingly shushing the guards)
Guards: (whispering, on tiptoes) All we own, we oo-wwwe. All we own, we oo-wwwe!
- Smithers envisions what he would want for his birthday.Smithers: The preparations for your birthday have begun.
Mr. Burns: I won't get what I really want.
Smithers: No one does. (dreams about Mr. Burns bursting out of a cake wearing nothing but a sash singing "Happy birthday, Mr. Smithers...", moans)
- The Ramones perform "Happy Birthday" for Mr. Burns.Smithers: Here are several fine young men who I'm sure are gonna go far. Ladies and gentlemen, The Ramones. (applause)
Mr. Burns: Ah, these minstrels will soothe my jangled nerves.
Joey Ramone: I'd just like to say this gig sucks!
Johnny Ramone: Hey, up yours, Springfield!
Joey Ramone: 1-2-3-4! (punk rock music)
The Ramones: "Happy Birthday to you! (Happy Birthday!) Happy Birthday to you! (Happy Birthday!) Happy Birthday, Burnsie! Happy Birthday TO YOU!"
C.J. Ramone: Go to Hell, you old bastard! (Mr. Burns looks shocked; the curtain closes)
Marky Ramone: Hey, I think they liked us.
Mr. Burns: Have The Rolling Stones killed.
Smithers: But sir, those aren't...
Mr. Burns: Do as I say!
- During the flashbacks, Bobo winds up with Adolf Hitler in his bunker during the invasion of Berlin. "This is all your fault!"
- How the Kwik-E-Mart gets ice: Instead of just freezing water in the freezer, Apu sends teams to the Arctic to dig ice up.Explorer: You've gotta stop selling this stuff for a dollar a bag! We lost four more men on this expedition!
Apu: If you can think of a better way to get ice, I'd like to hear it!
(the explorers all turn to each other and shrug)
- Bart gives the doll to Maggie. In a classic Failed Attempt at Drama, the camera zooms in on the doll to reveal something. As the accompanying musical sting swells, the camera focuses in on the doll's "100% Cotton" tag. Cue a record scratch, and after awkwardly fumbling around, the camera finally settles on Bobo's nametag as the sting resumes.
- Mr. Burns is trying to reclaim his long lost bear Bobo, which is now in Maggie's possession. Smithers and he use a zip-line from on top of the Flanders' roof to get inside the Simpsons' house.Mr. Burns: Now remember, Smithers. We have to get in and out in exactly 60 seconds.
(climbs onto zip-line, kicks off....then gets stuck midway across. Transition to the next morning, and a rescue effort)
Marge: More cocoa, Mr. Burns?
Mr. Burns: Yes.
- At the start of the attempted heist, Flanders pops out of a hatch and, being his usual bright, good-natured self, asks if he can assist Burns and Smithers. Mr. Burns responds by gassing Flanders full in the face with an aerosol can full of knockout gas, to which Flanders woozily and incoherently mumbles before collapsing back into his house.
- A second attempt to get the stuffed bear back involves Mr. Burns and Smithers climbing across the Simpsons' kitchen ceiling, at night, using suction cups. Homer walks in, oblivious to the two intruders, opens the fridge and pulls out a stack of processed cheese.Homer: Mmmmm, 64 slices of American cheese. (he eats a slice of cheese) 63. (he eats another) 62.
(the scene transitions to morning; Homer is still sitting in the same place with a much smaller stack of cheese)
Homer: (sounding ill) 2. (he eats the last slice) 1.
(Marge walks in and sees Homer sat at the table; He now looks visibly ill)
Marge: Have you been up all night eating cheese?
Homer: I think I'm blind!
(Mr. Burns and Smithers fall off the ceiling, get up)
Mr. Burns: Good day to you.
(Mr. Burns and Smithers walk away)
- Mr. Burns and Smithers take away TV and then feel the need to provide original programming.Mr. Burns: Smithers, I'm home! (canned laughter)
Smithers: What, already? (canned chuckle)
Mr. Burns: Yes. (loud canned laughter)
Lisa: Is it my imagination or is TV getting worse?
Homer: It's about the same. Uh oh, look out, Smithers! (laughs) I love this show.
- Bart faces the fallout for Homer's actions.(Bart is surrounded by the bullies in the playground)
Nelson: My old man can't get a beer because his old man won't give a bear to another old man! Let's get him!
Jimbo: Wait, why're we gettin' him?
Martin: Look fellas, the first snapdragon of the season.
Nelson: Never mind. Let's get him!
- Adding to this is the fact that Bart is in a crouching position through the whole scene, and never once moves.
- Mr. Burns finally makes a move, taking over every channel on TV one by one.Mr. Burns: As you can see Simpson, I've taken over all seventy-five channels, and I won't return them, until you give in. What's that? You can live without television, so long as you have beer?
Homer: That's right!
Mr. Burns: Wrong! All beer trucks heading towards Springfield have been diverted. This town will be as dry as a bone. And if the rest of you beer-swilling tube-jockeys out there have a problem with this... talk to Homer Simpson. (Mr. Burns begins laughing)
(someone rings the Simpsons' doorbell. Homer answers it to find an unhinged Barney holding a gun)
Barney: Homer... give him what he wants!
Homer: Look, Barney, leave me alone. (Homer slams the door in Barney's face; there's the sound of Barney falling over, the gun firing, a woman screaming and the sound of police sirens)
- Having sworn to make Homer's life a living hell, Homer is bothered at work. Just as he thinks it can't get much worse, he's subject to much worse punishment: Having to constantly push a wheel while whipped by an overseer.Homer: After lunch, can I whip you?
Overseer: (cheerfully) Nope!
Homer: Aw, no fair!
(The overseer continues whipping Homer, as the camera pans up to see what the wheel is connected to: A little turnstile in the plant lounge covered in cakes. Lenny and Carl walk past)
Lenny: I wonder what makes it turn.
Carl: Who cares?
- After Smithers wakes up Burns while he's muttering about Bobo, Burns claims that he meant Lobo. "They never should have cancelled that show." A minute later, cut to Homer, muttering in his sleep, "Lobo! Lobo! Bring back Sheriff Lobo!"
- When Homer first visits Burns to negotiate over the bear:Burns: Naturally I can't afford to pay you much of a reward, because I'm strapped for cash. (The ceiling above gives way and a heap of money and jewels fall around him, including a crown on his head.) As you can see, this old place is falling apart. But I'm sure we can come to an understanding.
Homer: Yes sir. ("Reject the first offer. Reject the first offer.")
Burns: May I offer you a drink?
Homer: Sorry, Burns! No deal!
- It is a blink-and-you'll-miss moment, but among the gifts received by Burn there's a unicorn ruminating.
86. - "Treehouse of Horror IV"note
A. - The Devil and Homer Simpson
- After the break room runs out of donuts, Homer looks in his hollowed out Emergency Procedures Manual, only to find a note reading, "Dear Homer, IOU one emergency donut, signed Homer."Homer: Bastard! He's always one step ahead!
- The reveal of the Devil's true identity:Homer: Flanders!? You're the Devil?!
Devil Flanders: Ho, ho! It is always the one you least suspect!
- Homer tempts Devil Flanders by finding a loophole.Devil Flanders: Now remember, the instant you finish that donut I own your soul.
Homer: Hey, wait. If I don't finish this last bite, you don't get my soul, right?
Devil Flanders: Well, technically no...
Homer: (singsong) I'm smarter than the de-vil! I'm smarter than the de-vil!
Devil Flanders: (morphs from Flanders into Chernabog) YOU ARE NOT SMARTER THAN ME! I'LL SEE YOU IN HELL YET, HOMER SIMPSON! (he then shrinks and disappears)
- Devil Flanders pausing in sending Homer to Hell when Bart walks in the room.Devil Flanders: (completely casually) Hey, Bart.
Bart: (just as casually) Hey.
- Homer's fat ass won't fit in the portal to Hell so Devil Ned has to force him in with a toilet plunger.
- Lisa interjects to the Devil's attempt to take Homer to Hell:Lisa: Wait! Doesn't my father have the right to a fair trial?
Devil Flanders: (exasperated) G'oh! You Americans with your "due process" and "fair trials"... This is always so much easier in Mexico!
- Homer in Hell's Ironic Punishment Division(Homer is strapped into a chair, as a demon looms over him; behind them is an entire wall of donuts)
Demon: So, you like donuts, eh?
Demon: Well, have all the donuts in the world!
(a machine begins force-feeding Homer donuts two at a time; the scene fades to several hours later: the wall of donuts are gone, the machine is still force-feeding a bloated, but smiling Homer... and he's still going)
Demon: (frustrated) I don't understand it! James Coco went mad in fifteen minutes!
- Flanders Jury of the Damned (presided over by The Grim Reaper); Benedict Arnold, Lizzie Borden, Blackbeard, Richard Nixon, John Dillinger, John Wilkes Booth, and most terrifying of all — the starting lineup of the 1976 Philadelphia Flyers!!Marge and the kids: (gasps in horror at the last one)
- Nixon protests his inclusion, since he's not dead yet (at the time the episode was made):Nixon: But I'm not dead yet! Uh, in fact, I just wrote an article for Redbook!
Flanders: Hey listen, I did a favor for you!
Nixon: (resigned) Yes, master...
- Nixon protests his inclusion, since he's not dead yet (at the time the episode was made):
- For Homer's trail, Lionel Hutz is once again the defending attorney:Hutz: (combing himself with a fork) Mrs. Simpson, don't you worry! I watched Matlock in a bar last night. The sound wasn't on, but I think I got the gist of it.
- Marge showing the jury her and Homers wedding photo...which was taken at the hospital.Nixon: Wait, you got married in an emergency room?
Marge: Well, Homer ate the entire wedding cake by himself... before the wedding... (the jury laughs)
- Blackbeard thinks the text on the back of the photo is a treasure map.Benedict Arnold: You idiot, you can't read!
Blackbeard: Aye, 'tis true. My debauchery was my way of compensatin'...
- Blackbeard thinks the text on the back of the photo is a treasure map.
- The ending when Devil Flanders turns Homer's head into a donut.Marge: Homer, stop picking at it!
Donuthead Homer: Ohhh, but I'm so sweet and tasty. (sighs) Well, time to go to work.
Lisa: Dad, I wouldn't go out if I were you.
(cut to outside the Simpson house where the entire Springfield police force is waiting with coffee cups in hand)
Chief Wiggum: Don't worry, boys. He's gotta come out of there sometime.
B. - Terror at 5½ Feet
- Bart awakening from his nightmare about the bus crashing and killing him.Bart: (touches his damp bedsheets) Ew, hope this is sweat...
- When he comes down to breakfast, Bart is still a bit on edge, freaking out when a horn sounds behind him. Homer shows up and reveals that he just looted a boat at the marina, including a foghorn, which sounds just like the bus horn.
- Later, while Bart is fighting with the gremlin, Homer drives by and honks the horn again, completely oblivious to Bart's danger.
- Martin is relieved that the other kids are mocking Bart for being spooked by his nightmare, because it distracts them from his "Wang Computers" shirt.
- When Bart tries to warn Otto about the gremlin on the side of the bus, Otto looks and spots an AMC Gremlin being driven by Hans Moleman and proceeds to ram him off the road. Moleman thankfully stops just a few millimeters from a tree. Then his car explodes for no reason (except maybe because Otto pushed him off the road).
C. - Bart Simpson's Dracula
- In the opening, Bart narrates about a painting that was so terrifying they couldn't make a story out of it, so they just threw together something with vampires. And just what is that painting?
- At the start of the episode, Kent Brockman is reporting about the latest of several victims who have been found dead and drained of their blood with bite marks in their neck. This one also had a cape nearby with the name "Dracula" on it. "Police are baffled."Wiggum: We think we're dealing with a supernatural being, most likely a mummy. As a precaution, I've ordered the Egyptian wing of the Springfield Museum destroyed.
- Lisa then tries to convince the family that it's a vampire. Homer assures her that vampires are make-believe, "just like elves, gremlins and eskimos."
- Mr. Burns is a vampire and invites the Simpson family to his castle in Pennsylvania.Mr. Burns: (over intercom) Welcome, come in. Ah, fresh victims for my ever growing army of the undead.
Smithers: Sir, you have to let go of the button.
Mr. Burns: Oh, son of a bi—
- If you watch Mr. Burns' shadow while he's talking to the family, you can see it pull out a yo-yo for a single second.
- As Bart and Lisa search for evidence Burns is a vampire:Bart: Lisa, Burns isn't a vampire, and even if he is, we're not gonna stumble across his secret hiding place. (Bart leans on a torch, making it move. A section of the wall slides back to reveal... a laundry room.)
Lisa: I guess you're right. Let's go ba- *gasp*
(We see what Lisa's seeing: A neon sign declaring "Secret Vampire Room - No garlic")
- Just to ram the point home, Mr. Burns apparently has an autobiography labelled "Yes, I Am a Vampire", complete with a foreword by Steve Allen.
- When Mr Burns catches Bart, he's already forgotten his name.Burns: Well, if it isnt little...uh, boy!
- Lisa runs back to tell her parents that Mr. Burns is a vampire and has captured Bart... just as said duo return, Burns with his fangs covered in blood and Bart looking very pale and sporting two puncture marks on his neck.
- The next night, Lisa is woken up by a sound outside her window. She opens it to reveal Bart, Milhouse, Martin, Ralph, and Janey, all as vampires.Bart: Come join us, Lisa. It's so cool. You get to stay up all night drinking blood.
Milhouse: And if you say you're a vampire, you get a free small soda at the movies!
- Immediately after the family confirm that Bart is a vampire, Grampa Abe shows up.Abe: (runs into room with a stake) Quick! We have to kill the boy!
Marge: How'd you know he's a vampire?
Abe: He's a vampire? AAAAAAH! (runs away)
- Lisa's deadpan expression when Homer realize Bart is a vampire, after trying to convince the rest of the family.
- In the shot of the family after Bart turns into a bat and flies away, Maggie is shown waving good-bye to Bart. A mix of funny and adorable.
- Homer is told that he has to kill Mr. Burns in order for Bart to turn back to normal.Homer: Kill my boss?! (thinking) Do I dare live out the American dream?
- The sheer Schmuck Bait of the Super Fun Happy Slide ("I know I shouldn't... but when am I gonna be here again?"):Homer: Super Fun Happy Slide!
Lisa: No, dad.
Homer: Aww... I guess killing him will be fun enough.
- Homer tries to kill Mr. Burns and is unsuccessful.Homer: Take that, vile fiend! (hammers the wooden stake through Mr. Burns)
Lisa: Dad? That's his crotch.
Homer: ...Oh, right. (pulls it out)
- He drives a wooden stake through Mr. Burns' heart and he dies, only for him to come back to life and shout "You're fired!" before turning back to dust.Homer: D'oh!
- Marge reveals that she is the Head Vampire.Lisa: Mom?!
Marge: Well, I do have a life outside this house, you know.
- The family lunges towards Lisa, ready to strike - and then they all turn to the screen, saying "Happy Halloween, everybody!" in unison. Then they all start humming "Hark the Herald Angels Sing" as it starts snowing, with Milhouse playing a tiny piano and Santa's Little Helper dancing Snoopy style.
87. - "Marge on the Lam"
- Homer's vision of ballet is of a bear wearing a fez hat while driving a small car in circles. Which as it turns out, is also Lenny's idea of ballet.
- Ruth asks Marge to borrow their power sander. Homer first denies having one, before it's pointed out that he's resting his feet on it, while it's turned on and destroying the carpet. Homer then relents, saying, "Okay, but remember, it's mine." The sander is labelled, "Property of Ned Flanders."
- At the end of the day, when Homer is about to go home and take Marge to the ballet as he promised her, he sees a vending machine and tries to pull a soda out of it, but gets his arm stuck in it. He tries to leave anyway, to honor his promise, but gets distracted by another vending machine, and gets his other arm stuck in it. Even then, he somehow manages to phone Marge, who unfortunately but obviously doesn't believe him.
- The fire department's "rescue" of HomerParamedic: (holding a buzzsaw) Homer, this... this is never easy to say... I'm going to have to cut off your arms off.
Homer: They'll grow back, right?
Paramedic: (eyes dart nervously) Oh, Yeaaaah.
Paramedic 2: (looking in machine with flashlight) Homer... are you just holding onto the can?
Homer: Your point being?
(cut to Homer walking away from the plant with laughter in the background, rubbing his arms and looking ashamed)
- And the pay-off, when Marge gets home:Homer: Marge, I know you didn't believe me about the vending machines, that's why I had the firemen write me a note.
Marge: (reads note) "Mrs. Simpson, while we were rescuing your husband, a lumber yard burned down."
Homer: D'oh! Lumber has a million uses...
- The fire department's "rescue" of Homer
- While talking with Ruth, Marge tries reassuring her about her failed marriage:Marge: You were unlucky, but there are a lot of good men out there.
(Barney rushes up to the waiter next to them)
Barney: Hey, can I throw up in your bathroom? I'll buy something.
(Ruth shudders in horror)
- As Homer sulks about Marge being away, Bart reassures him he's not emasculated.Bart: Don't worry, you'll feel much better when we put your hair up in curlers and give you a make-over, Homina.
Homer: (in a falsetto) Why that would be delightf- (snaps back to normal) Quiet, boy.
- Homer and Bart's battle of wits when Homer tries to leave the kids at home alone:Bart: You're absolutely right, Homer. We don't need a babysitter.
Homer: Wait a minute... (Homer checks a card stating "Always do opposite of what Bart says.") You kids DO need a babysitter!
Bart: Blast that infernal card! (Bart gets an idea, and turns back to look at Homer) Don't give that card to me.
Homer: Here you g- (Homer catches on and snatches the card away) NO!
- Marge notices smoke coming from her house's chimney. It turns out to be babysitter Lionel Hutz burning documents in the fireplace.Lisa: Mr. Hutz, why are you burning all your personal papers?
Lionel: As of this moment, Lionel Hutz no longer exists. Say hello to Miguel Sanchez!
- Even funnier is the way Hutz says "Sanchez", with a slight hesitation, like he'd only just come up with the name that moment.
- And at the very end of the episode, he's changed his name again, to "Dr. Nguyen Van Hoch".
- Homer's flashback to his and Marge dating: Homer smashing a weather-station with a club ("C'mon, Marge. It's fun to smash things!") before immediately turning around and telling Marge she has "real purdy hair".
- As Homer sits down glumly on the replacement weather station, Wiggum emerges from the bushes behind him.Wiggum: Ah, there's nothing like moonshine from your own still. (he sees Homer.) Oh, Simpson! (he tosses the moonshine behind him, it immediately causes a massive fire).
- Marge and Ruth out at Sh(o)tkickers get approached by two hicks, a la Thelma & Louise.Hick: Hey, baby, feel like getting lucky?
Marge: I am lucky, I have a husband and three wonderful children, thanks very much.
Hick: (threateningly) Listen, baby, I always get what I want.
Marge: I said "no".
Hick: Oh, didya? Oh, I completely misunderstood. Please accept our apologies. (the two hicks respectfully back off)
- The entire chase scene starts because Wiggum wanted to pull Ruth over and tell her one of her taillights was smaller than the other.
- Ruth managing to escape Chief Wiggum:Ruth: I know how to lose them.
Marge: I don't think that's gonna be easy. I mean, these are profession lawmen and—
(Ruth turns off her back lights)
Wiggum: Oh my god, it just DISAPPEARED! It's a ghost car!
(Wiggum brings the police car to a screeching halt, throwing Homer into the front seat)
Wiggum: There are ghost cars all over these highways, y'know.
Homer: (timidly) Hold me.
Wiggum: Only if you hold me.
(The two huddle together in terror)
- Bart and Lisa wake up and realize that neither of their parents are home yet. Lisa points out that Lionel Hutz is still there to care for them. Lisa tries to wake him up. Lionel jumps with a start, brandishing a knife, and yelling, "Don't touch my stuff!" When he realizes where he is, he sheepishly laughs, "Hey, this isn't the YMCA."
- Kent reporting on the chase.Kent Brockman: At the risk of editorializing, these women are guilty, and must be dealt with in a harsh and brutal fashion, lest their behavior incite other women, leading to anarchy of Biblical proportions.
(*Beat*, as we see Bart and Lisa staring blankly at the TV)
Kent: IT'S IN REVELATIONS PEOPLE!!! (a graphic stating "Please stand by" depicting Kent Brockman in a straitjacket with a cuckoo clock bird popping out of his head appears on the screen)
- The epilogue reveals the fates of the major characters from the episode in the style of Dragnet. And, as an added genius bonus, the actual narrator from Dragnet, George Fenneman, provided the narration.Narrator: Ruth Powers was tried in Springfield Superior Court. The judge dismissed her husband's auto theft charges and ordered him to pay back all child support. Mr. Powers blamed the outcome on his lawyer, one Lionel Hutz. Lionel Hutz, AKA Miguel Sanchez, AKA Dr. Nguyen Van Foch, was paid 8 dollars for his 30 hours of babysitting. He was glad to get it. Marge Simpson was arrested under police code 18A; Wanton Destruction Of Precious Antique Cans. She was ordered to pay 50 cents to replace the cans, and 2000 dollars in punitive damages and mental anguish. Homer Simpson was remanded to the custody of the United States Military Neurochemical Research Center at Fort Reed, Maryland for extensive testing.
- How Lionel Hutz wound up babysitting Bart and Lisa in the first place.Hutz: (Homer answers the door to find Hutz standing there) Mr. Simpson, I was just going through your garbage and I couldn't help overhearing that you need a babysitter. Of course, being a highly skilled attorney, my fee is one hundred and seventy-five dollars an hour.
Homer: We pay eight dollars for the night and you can take two popsicles out of the freezer.
Hutz: Okay, two, and I get to keep this old bird-cage! (holds up a dilapidated bird-cage)
Hutz: Still got it!
- Wiggum's attempt to call in his location, rivalling the Suspect Is Hatless incident above. "I'm, uh, I'm on a road. Uh, looks to be asphalt... um, ah, geez, trees, shrubs... uh, I'm directly under the Earth's sun... now!"
88. - "Bart's Inner Child"
- Homer reads the "Free Items" column in the newspaper and sees an advertisement for a free trampoline.Homer: Oh my God!
Lisa: What is it?
Homer: TRAMAMPOLINE! TRABOPOLINE! (he runs off)
Bart: He said what, now?
Marge: Please, don't bring home any more old crutches!
- The "Free items" page is a treasure trove of Freeze-Frame Bonus; other entries include a free Fat Boy bomb, a free Vietnam era flamethrower (which takes regular unleaded gasoline), a Good 'n' Plenty collection dating back to 1963, a Good News Bible ("Ask for Ned"), 40 lb. of black jelly beans, a Lear Jet for only $36, itchy wool sweaters ("lots to choose from"), oars described as "good for paddlin'", oranges described as "good eatin'", and a grave digger's lantern.
- Homer tries returning the trampoline to Krusty at one point.Homer: So, I was thinking we could talk about...
Krusty: (pulls out a shotgun) You just keep right on drivin'.
- He then tries dropping the trampoline off a cliff. It lands on a large rock, stretches, then bounces back up and hammers Homer into the ground.Homer: If this were a cartoon, the cliff would break off now...(The scene fades into a nighttime shot, with Homer still buried in the cliff. A wolf howls in the distance.)Homer: I'm thirsty!(No sooner than he says that, the cliff breaks off.)
- How the trampoline is eventually disposed of:Homer: (Brandishes a buzz saw.) Checkmate, Mr. Trampoline! (He powers it on, and screams as he charges towards it. Cut to the kitchen where we see the plug cord isn't long enough, causing Homer to fall backwards, the buzz saw flying out of his hand and wrapping itself around the trampoline. Cut back to the kitchen, and we see the plug socket literally get ripped out of the foundation, alongside a large chunk of the wall it was set into. Marge and Maggie look at it in confusion.)Homer: (standing over the trampoline) Alright. Alright, you win for now... But someday you'll RUST! Rust, I tells ya! (he immediately starts laughing hysterically)
Bart: Dad? Dad! (Homer stops laughing) You really wanna get rid of this trampoline?
Bart: Observe: A bike-lock.
(Bart ties the lock around one leg of the trampoline, then gets Homer to turn around)
Bart: Now, just turn around and count to three.
(He turns back to see Snake already trying to crack open the bike-lock.)
Bart: Uh, better make it five.
(They turn around again. There's a snapping noise.)
Snake: Alright, I got me a bed!
- Jimbo and Kearney use Homer's car as a trampoline after Homer gets rid of the actual trampoline (either by leaving it in the desert note or letting Snake steal it note ).
- There's a scene where Homer walks into the living room in a subtly-exaggerated fashion for no apparent reason, and greets his wife with "What up, Marge?"
- In Troy McClure's video, Troy can't read the cue cards correctly.Troy McClure: That's right, it's the Brad Goodman (squinting at cue-cards) something-or-other...
- Fridge Brilliance: We later learn in "A Fish Called Selma" that Troy McClure wears glasses and can't read anything without them.
- Not to mention he's got a can of fortified wine with him, which he's eagerly drinking.
- Brad Goodman uses an exercise at the seminar he hosts in the Springfield Community Center.Brad: Now, listen to your inner child. What's he saying?
(camera pans to Ned Flanders)
Ned's Inner Child: Stay the course, Big Ned! You're doing super!
(camera pans to Homer)
Homer's Inner Child: Food goes in here!
Homer: It sure does!
(camera pans to Moe Szyslak)
Moe's Inner Child: (with heavy Italian accent) 'Ey, Moe, wassa matta, huh? Why you no talk wit you accent no mo?
Moe: (clapping hands on face in astonishment) Mamma Mia!
- Brad Goodman encourages the audience to yell out their problems:Mayor Quimby: I, uh, can't commit to a relationship!
Burns: I'm too nice!
Apu: I have problems with-
Lenny: I'm always interrupting people!
- Brad Goodman states that Bart is the inner child he's been talking about. The scene cuts to Lisa with a dark look.Lisa: What?
- This dialogue:Brad: We can all learn a lot from this young man here, this, this...
Brad: Rudiger. And if we can all be more like little Rudiger—
Marge: His name is Bart.
Brad: His name isn't important!
- He then ends the seminar by encouraging everyone to be like Bart, getting them to chant, "Be like the boy! Be like the boy!" Unfortunately, the seniors in the back chant, "We like Roy! We like Roy!"
- This dialogue:
- This:Bart: Lisa, today I am a god.
Lisa: Is that why you're sitting on your ice cream sandwich?
- Bart starts to discover the down side to everyone acting like him when his classmates give snarky answers to Mrs. Krabappel's questions - and even she laughs at them:Mrs. Krabappel: The wireless was an invention by Guglielmo Marconi. Who can tell me what his first message was?note
Bart: [raises his hand] Uh-
Milhouse: [raises his hand and affects a stereotypical Italian accent] I wanna change-a my name-a!
[the whole class, including Mrs. Krabappel but not Bart, laughs hysterically]
Mrs. Krabappel: Ah... good one, Milhouse. [Milhouse chuckles proudly] Anyone else? The first message by wireless.
Bart: It was-
Martin: [standing up, hand raised] Our tenth caller will receive tickets to Supertramp!
Bart: [once again, the only one not laughing] Ah, geez, everybody's a comedian.
[cut to later, as Bart walks down a road]
Bart: I'm blue. Time for some of my patented spitting off the overpass. [stops in his tracks; zoom in on his face] Aw, man...
[dozens of people are spitting off either side of the overpass; we hear cars honking and crashing in the background]
- People start fighting with each other at the "Do What You Feel" festival. Reverend Lovejoy believes it's happening because they had made a false idol out of Brad Goodman. Apu tells him that's not true, and the people turn on Bart.Apu: You must not blame yourself, Reverend. It was that little boy. He started it all.
Squeaky-Voiced Teen: (talking about Bart) Get him!
Bart: Eeep! (he starts running and an angry mob of people chase him)
- Groundskeeper Willie at the "Do What You Feel" festival:Willie: (at the mayor's podium) As elected mayor, my first act will be to kill the whole lot o'ya, and burn your town to cinders!
Festival Employee: (whispers in Willie's ear) Sir, it's on.
Willie: I know it's on!
- At the end, the Simpson family is watching McGarnagle, a show about a Cowboy Cop.(the exterior shot of the house is seen with just the voices heard)
Chief: You're off the case McGarnagle!
McGarnagle: You're off your case chief!
Chief: What does that mean exactly?
Homer: (yelling) IT MEANS HE GETS RESULTS YOU STUPID CHIEF!!
Lisa: Dad, sit down.
89. - "Boy-Scoutz 'n the Hood"
- Marge leaves to go to the grocery store and tells Homer.Marge: Homer, I have to go out to pick up something for dinner.
Marge: Money's too tight for steak.
Marge: (lying) Sure, steak.
- Homer loses the last peanut he was going to eat. Thinking it fell under the couch, he looks for it and pulls out a $20 bill.Homer: (moans) Aww, $20? I wanted a peanut.
Homer's Brain: $20 can buy many peanuts.
Homer: Explain how!
Homer's Brain: Money can be exchanged for goods and services.
(he turns around and slips on the peanut he was looking for, causing him to fall down. The $20 bill floats away outside the open window into the wind and Homer screams because he lost it)
- Homer unknowingly passes by Bart and Milhouse who are covered in bubble gum.Homer: Mmm... free goo.
- After the Disney Acid Sequence of a musical number, Barney Gumble (wearing a sailor suit) wakes up groaning in a pile of burlap sacks filled with baklava on a Greek ship in the middle of an ocean.Barney: (realizing where he is) Uh-oh! Not again!
- Homer is sitting on the couch. Bart points out a camping-related error in an Itchy and Scratchy cartoon.Lisa: Come on, Bart. Cartoons don't have to be 100% realistic.
(a second Homer walks past the window)
- Bart reads a book on pocket knife safety.Bart: "Don't do what Donny Don't does." (sigh) They could have made this clearer.
- Bart walks into the living room wearing his Junior Camper uniform. Homer proceeds to poke fun at him.Homer: How was jerk practice, boy? Did they teach you how to sing to trees? And make crappy furniture out of useless wooden logs? Huh? (the chair he is sitting in collapses) D'oh! Stupid poetic justice.
- Bart versus Homer in a battle of wits:Bart: Look, Homer won't want to go, so just ask him and he'll say no. Then it'll be his fault.
Homer: I don't want to go, so if he asks me to go, I'll just say yes.
Homer's Brain: Wait, are you sure that's how this sort of thing works?
Homer: Shut up, brain, or I'll stab you with a q-tip!
(Bart and Homer march out onto the landing and square off)
Bart: (through clenched teeth) Dad, I really want you to come on this trip with me!
Homer: (also through clenched teeth) Bart, I'd be delighted to go on this trip with you!
(Homer and Bart both realize what Homer just said)
Bart and Homer: D'oh!
- Hans Moleman's knife.Moe: (wielding a knife) When I say put your beer on a coaster, I mean it!
Moleman: You call that a knife? (pulls a massive blade out of his cane) This is a knife! (Moleman starts to stumble from the knife's weight) Woah! Woah! Down I go.
- As their stranding at sea continues, Homer loses hope, while Ned tries to stay optimistic:Homer: (exhausted) What does it matter?! We're doomed!
(a seagull files by the boat)
Ned: Wrong! We're saved! Seagulls always stay near land. They only go out to sea to die.
(the seagull emits a meek death-rattle and plummets into the sea)
Homer: (lifts his arms in triumph) Woo-hoo! (to Bart) See that, boy?! Your old man was right! Not Flanders! We are doomed! (to Ned) In your face, Flanders!
90. - "The Last Temptation of Homer"
- The episode begins with Bart painting parking spaces on the school parking lot. Why?Bart: (to Milhouse) The beauty of it is each parking space is a mere one foot narrower. Indistinguishable to the naked eye. But therein lies the game...
Milhouse: I fear to watch, yet I cannot turn away!
(The teachers pull up, and immediately find there's a problem)
Skinner: (to Mrs. Krabappel) Blasted, woman, you parked too close! Move your car!
Mrs. Krabappel: I'm in the lines! You got a problem, go tell your mamma!
Skinner: Oh, don't worry, she'll hear about this!
- One of the teachers screamed that he can't breathe.
- Homer, Lenny and Carl complaining about the stuff they won't be able to do with a female coworker.Lenny: Oh, if they hire a woman, we won't be able to spit on the floor.
Carl: And we can't take off our pants when it gets real hot.
Homer: And we won't be able to pee in the drinking fountain. (*Beat*, as Lenny and Carl have squicked out reactions) I mean, not... you know, if we wanted to, not that I ever... did.
- Homer and Mindy are stuck in the elevator together. Homer tries his hardest to Think Unsexy Thoughts (which includes his sisters-in-law shaving their legs together in the bathroom and picturing Barney Gumble in a jumbo thong bikini drunkenly humming the I Dream of Jeannie theme). He fails at that (as he immediately pictures Mindy in a bikini blowing a kiss) and just forces open the elevator and jumps out, while it's somehow halfway up the cooling tower and had been going down.
- Homer tries to talk about his problem to Moe without using his own name.Homer: See, I got this friend named...Joey...Joe Joe...Junior...Shabadoo?
(a random man in Moe's Tavern looks up with interest)
Moe: That's the worst name I ever heard.
(the man runs out crying)
Barney: Hey! Joey Joe Joe!
- Homer caves and admits he's talking about his own attraction to Mindy. Barney offers some astoundingly insightful advice, which Homer points out.Homer: Barney, that was so insightful... how'd you come up with that?
Barney: It was on one of these bar napkins. (holds up a napkin with exactly what he just said written on it)
- Homer caves and admits he's talking about his own attraction to Mindy. Barney offers some astoundingly insightful advice, which Homer points out.
- Homer, Carl, Lenny, and the factory worker Charlie fall unconscious in a trapped room of toxic gases and somehow get out alive.Charlie: I won't bore you with the details of our miraculous escape, but we desperately need a ''real'' emergency exit.
Burns: Why, that's a fabulous idea! What else? Perhaps you'd like real lead in the radiation shields? Urinal cakes maybe? (tone turns harsh) Smithers, throw [this notebook] at him!
- Once Smithers does so, Burns has a tube suck Charlie away.Burns: Smithers... where does that tube go?
Smithers: I'm not sure sir, it was here when we moved in.
(cut to a generically "middle eastern country. Charlie is deposited among a room of men in turbans)
Men: DANCE! DANCE! (Charlie does so, the men start cheering)
- Once Smithers does so, Burns has a tube suck Charlie away.
- When Homer tries to take his mind off Mindy by watching TV.
- Kent Brockman: Tonight, "Eye On Springfield" takes a look at the secret affairs of Kennedy, Eisenhower, Bush, and Clinton. Did fooling around on their wives make them great? We'll find out next when we play "Hail to the Cheat."
(Homer changes channels to a nature documentary)
Narrator: The Burmese Melon Fly has over a thousand sex partners, and suffers virtually no guilt-
(Homer changes channels to a bunch of scantily clad women working out on weight machines)
Woman: (seductively) Just do it!
Homer: AHHHH!!!! (runs out)
Woman: Examine your scalp for ringworm.
- Homer is greeted by his guardian angel, who takes A Form You Are Comfortable With. Unfortunately, Homer doesn't recognise his preferred choice.Newton: Homer, I'm your guardian angel. I've assumed the form of someone you'd recognize and revere: Sir Isaac Newton.
Homer: Sir Isa-who-who?
Newton: (sighs) Oh, very well (transforms)
Homer: Colonel Klink! Did you get my letters?
Klink: I'm not actually Colonel Klink. I'm just assuming his form.
Homer: Did you know Hogan had tunnels all over your camp?
- Homer's guardian angel (tries) to show him the miserable life he'd live if he lived with Mindy: They live in a giant mansion with no children around, and play tennis.Mindy: (with upper-class accent) I'm so happy, darling.
Homer: (with similar accent) I as well. Are you happy, Jeeves?
Jeeves: Yes, sir. Quite.
Homer: Then we're all happy!
Klink: Let's get out of here!
(The two fly away)
Klink: Sure, life is good for you... but what about Marge?
(The two look down at something)
Homer: Marge lives here?
(The camera pulls back to reveal the White House)
Aide: Madam President, your approval rating is soaring!
Klink: This dream is ov-er.
- And the kicker, once it ends and Homer's sent back to his body: Lionel Hutz walks up to the knocked-over phone booth Homer's trapped in, and yells at him to get out of his office.
- Homer calls out to his guardian angel as the situation he is in gets worse.Homer: Oh, this is the worst crisis my marriage has ever faced. COLONEL KLINK, WHY HAVE YOU FORSAKEN ME?!
Klink: (appearing) What is it? Do you have a question?
Homer: Heh-heh, did you know Kinchloe had a radio in the coffee pot?
Klink: He did? (disappears in a huff)
- Homer singing about Mindy to the tune of Mandy. "Oh Mindy. You came and you gave without flaking. But I sent you Bengay, oh Andy. You kissed me and stopped me from something. And I-"
- Then Lisa interrupts, not accepting his excuse that he has "a small role in a Broadway musical." Shes not alone - after stating that, Homers brain sarcastically says Bravo, followed by Sarcastic Clapping.Lisa: According to your song, you're infatuated with a woman named Mindy. Or a man named Andy.
Homer: Lisa! Look behind you!
Lisa: Dad, I'm not gonna fall for that.
Homer: No, Lisa, I swear to you! I'm 100% completely serious! You've gotta turn around now before it's too late!
Homer: (running away) Sucker!
- Then Lisa interrupts, not accepting his excuse that he has "a small role in a Broadway musical." Shes not alone - after stating that, Homers brain sarcastically says Bravo, followed by Sarcastic Clapping.
- At Madam Chao's, Homer reads a fortune cookie telling him he'll find happiness with a new love. "Oh, even the Chinese are against me." Cut to the restaurant kitchen, where someone notices they're out of the "new love" cookies. He's told to open the "Stick with your wife" barrel.
- The "Bart becomes a nerd" subplot has quite a few moments:
- The scene in which Bart first becomes a nerd culminates in Bart receiving a throat spray that (temporarily) changes his voice.
- Bart sits down in class, sees his reflection in Milhouse's glasses and exclaims, "I'm a nerd!" Milhouse looks back, sees his reflection in Bart's glasses, and exclaims, "So am I!"
- Bart accidentally runs into a stack of books, and ends up with and "Advanced Calculus" book on his head:Jimbo: Hey! He's learning on his own!
Kearney: Get him!
(the bullies beat up Bart)
- Once Bart can get rid of his prescription glasses and orthopedic shoes, he throws the shoes out the window, breaking the Flanders' window.Ned: Did someone pray for giant shoes?
Rod: I did!
- Bart appears before the bullies, no longer looking like a nerd.Nelson: Let's get— Huh?
(smiling smugly, Bart walks up to the bullies)
Bart: Gentlemen, the nerd you knew is dead. Beat me, and you would be beating one of your own.
Nelson: (shrugs) Whatever.
(the bullies beat up Bart again)
- Mr. Burns remembers a childhood memory when he repeatedly rammed an Irish worker with a bumper car, causing him to start laughing continuously over several hours (even while he's asleep).Mr. Burns: (finally stops laughing) Ah... What was I laughing at now? (pause) Oh yes! That crippled Irishman! (bursts out laughing again)
- Homer telling the family that he got a job at Burns' casino.Homer: As you know, it's been my lifelong dream to become a blackjack dealer!
Marge: Your "lifelong dream" was to be a contestant on The Gong Show—and you did, in 1977, remember?
(footage from The Gong Show shows Homer and Barney in a giant pair of overalls playing an equally giant harmonica and dancing. They are getting booed, loudly, while one of the panelists violently and repeatedly rings the gong)
Homer: (nostalgically) We got more gongs than the breakdancing robot that caught on fire...
- A Deleted Scene involves Homer dealing a game of blackjack between James Bond and Ernst Blofeld.Bond: I'll take a hit, dealer. (Homer gives him a card) Joker? You were supposed to take those out of the deck.
Homer: Oh, sorry. (he deals another card)
Bond: What's this? "Rules for draw and stud poker"?
Blofeld: What a pity, Mr. Bond. (Jaws and Oddjob grab Bond)
Bond: What? But, I don't lose! I never lose! It's Homer's fault! (Bond starts getting dragged away) At least tell me your plans for world domination.
Blofeld: (laughs) I'm not falling for that one again.
- Homer attempts to make his own breakfast by combining a full bottle of cloves, a similarly full bottle of Tom Collins mix, and a frozen pie crust. The expression on his face as he tastes it is unforgettable.Homer: (in a VERY deadpan tone after one bite of his breakfast) Let's go get mom...
- The boogeyman sequence — which became a meme in 2019.Homer: (kicks down Bart's door) Bart, I don't want to alarm you, but there may be a boogeyman or boogeyMEN in the house!
- Krusty's failed stand-up at the casino, after beginning with a flat attempt at doing a routine on Herpes.Krusty: (as the audience, which has barely anyone there, don't laugh) You people are the worst audience I've ever seen.
Man in Audience: Well, you're the worst comedian we've ever seen!
Krusty: Then I guess we'll just sit in silence for the next ninety minutes!
Man in Audience: Fine with us!
- Homer sums up the situation to Lisa (who just described herself as a "monster" thanks to her Florida costume).Homer: The only monster here is the gambling monster that has enslaved your mother! I call him Gamblor, and it's time to snatch your mother from his neon claws!
- The entire subplot of Mr. Burns going Howard Hughes-crazy. Right when he seems to have shaken it off and resolved to return to the plant, Mr. Burns points a gun at Smithers as he forces him to get inside a small model airplane called the "Spruce Moose".Mr. Burns: I said hop in......
- Made funnier by the fact that's their last scene in the episode.
- Burns imagining the germs on Smithers' face chanting "Freemasons run the country!"
- Homer breaks Marge's gambling machine.Homer: (loud angrish)
Marge: Homer, what is it? Slow down!
Homer: (The same, but slower and with better enunciation)
Marge: Think before you say each word.
- The rest of the dialogue manages to be both a Tear Jerker and one of these:Homer: You broke a promise to your child.
Homer: You promised Lisa to help her with her costume. You made her cry. Then I cried. Then Maggie laughed — she's such a little trooper.
- The rest of the dialogue manages to be both a Tear Jerker and one of these:
- Principal Skinner announces the costume contest results.Seymour: And special awards go to the two students who obviously had no help from their parents: Lisa Simpson and Ralph Wiggum.
Ralph: I'm Idaho!
Seymour: Yes, of course you are.
- When Marge comes home in the middle of the night and apologizes for being out so late, Homer says it's like a heartwarming moment in a sitcom. He then trips over the ottoman.
- Homer putting on a pair of glasses (after fishing them out of the toilet) and thinking he became smart.Homer: The sum of the square roots of any two sides of an isosceles triangle is equal to the square root of the remaining side.
Man: That's a right triangle, you idiot!
Homer: (annoyed grunt)
- Cut to Mr. Burns' office, where Dr Henry Kissinger is being shown around. Smithers tells him he hopes his glasses turn up, and Kissinger claims that he probably left them in his car. He then thinks, "No one must know I dropped them in the toilet. Not I, the man who drafted the Paris Peace Accords."
- Homer brings the glasses home.Lisa: Dad, you shouldn't wear glasses that weren't prescribed for you.
Homer: (looks at a distorted Bart) Lisa, just because you're ten feet tall doesn't mean you can tell me what to do.
- After Lisa takes them away, the news comes on, announcing that Dr. Henry Kissinger was hospitalized after walking into a wall.
- Abe brushes off a bum asking for spare change saying that "Everybody wants something for nothing!" — and then immediately walks into the Social Security Office exclaiming "I'm old! Gimme, gimme, gimme!"
92. - "Homer the Vigilante"
- The family wakes up and discovers that they have been burglarized.Bart: Dad! We've been robbed!
Lisa: (shouting rapidly) Wake up, Dad, wake up! There was a burglar and he took my saxophone!
Bart: And our portable TV!
Marge: And my necklace!
Homer: (nonchalantly) Eh, that's no big loss.
Marge: Homer, that necklace was a priceless Bouvier family heirloom.
Homer: Oh, you probably got a whole drawer full of 'em.
Marge: (pulls a necklace from a huge wad of red pearl necklaces) Well, yes I do, but they're all heirlooms, too.
Bart: Burglar even took my stamp collection!
Lisa: (in a mocking tone) You had a stamp collection?
Homer, Marge, and Lisa: Ha ha ha ha ha! (the phone rings, Bart picks it up)
Nelson: Stamp collection? Ha-ha!
- Kent Brockman reporting on the crime wave in his usual fashion:Kent: So, professor, would you say it's time for everyone to panic?
Professor: Mm, yes I would, Kent.
- Wiggum fails to find a pattern in the burglaries until he moves a few pins around and it almost looks like an arrow. When Lou points out that it's pointing right at the police station, they all run in fear.
- When Lisa asks if they have insurance:Marge: Homer, tell your child what you bought when I sent you to town to get some insurance?
Homer: (to a jar nearby) Curse you magic beans!
Marge: Oh, stop blaming the beans.
- Ned Flanders suggests forming a neighbour hood watch:Flanders: Now, who should lead the group?
Mob: YAAAAAY! Flanders! Flanders! Flanders!
Flanders: I don't really have very much experience, but I'll be happy to -
Moe: SOMEONE ELSE!
Mob: YAAAAAY! Someone else! Someone else! Someone else!
Homer: I'm someone else!
Lenny: He's right!
- Homer and his love for hoedowns.
- When Grampa wants to join the neighborhood watch, Homer turns him down:Homer: Aw, Dad. You've done a lot of great things, but you're a very old man now, and old people are useless. (tickles Abe, who laughs) Aren't they? Aren't they? Huh? Yes they are! Yes they are! Tee hee—
Abe: Stop it! That's a form of abuse.
- Homer's group decides to arm themselves, and then Marge comes in.
- Homer giving out the group's codenames. "I'll be Cueball, Skinner, you can be Eight Ball, Barney can be Twelve Ball, and Moe, you can be Cueball." Moe bluntly replies, "You're an idiot."
- Homer attempts to use a megaphone designed for rappers.Homer: (through Rapmaster 2000) Move along there. (drives off)
Kid on street: (gasps) It's Hammer!
- Homer and members of the Vigilante (Moe, Apu, Principal Skinner, & Barney) are patrolling the street they're walking on and see a street musician who's playing a saxophone.Homer: Hey, you! Where'd you get that saxophone?
Musician: (pause) Sears.
Homer: GET HIM! (they proceed in chasing the guy)
- Homer and his vigilantes kick a man's burning leaf pile.Homer: No burning leaves without a permit!
Man: I got one.
Homer: (as the group members and him run away) TOO LATE!
- The vigilante group encounters Jimbo Jones using purple spray paint to write "CARPE DIEM" on a wall.Homer: (holding a tire iron in his hand) You'd better have a good reason for doing that, boy.
Jimbo: It makes me feel like a big man.
Homer: Let me check my list. (checks it) Yep, it's on there.
Jimbo: Hey, you're that drunken posse. Wow! Can I join ya?
Homer: I don't know, can you swing a sack of doorknobs?
Jimbo: Can I?!
Homer: You're in. Here's the sack.
Moe: But you gotta supply your own knobs.
- At the dinner table, Homer tells Lisa what the Vigilante is doing.Homer: Lisa, the mob is working on getting your saxophone back, but we've also expanded into other important areas: Literacy programs. Preserving our beloved covered bridges. World domination.
Lisa: (beratingly) World domination?
Homer: (chuckling nervously) Eh, that might be a typo. (thinking) Mental note: the girl knows too much.
- Lisa calls Homer out on abusing his power like all vigilantes.Lisa: If you're the police, who will police the police?
Homer: I 'unno. Coast Guard?
- As Homer's trying to guard the world's largest cubic zirconia, Abe, Jasper and Molloy appear.Abe: Son, we wanna help you catch that pug-ugly yeg.
Homer: (gently) Dad, the best thing for you to do is to set a good example. (snaps back to normal) Just stand around and don't steal anything. (they walk off. Seconds later, Homer sees something.) HEY!
(We see what he sees: Abe and Jasper stealing an exhibit)
Abe: We're on our break!
- When Grampa spills the beans on who the Cat Burglar is, it turns out to be Malloy, an old man like himself. This leads Grampa to gloat:Abe: So you see? Old people aren't so useless after all. Malloy's old, and he outsmarted the lot of ya. And I'm even older and I outsmarted him! (laughs)
Moe: Shut up.
Abe: (sheepish) I've had my moment.
- Chief Wiggum tries, for once, to be a competent cop, when the people of Springfield want to let Molloy go.Chief Wiggum: Gee, I hate to spoil this little love-in, but Mister Molloy here broke the law, and when you break the law, you gotta go to jail!
Mayor Quimby: Uh, that reminds me, (holds up a brown envelope) here's your monthly kickback.
Wiggum: You just - you couldn't have picked a worse time.
- After Molloy just offhandedly mentions all the money he has, along with where it's buried, Homer and the cops catch on.Homer: (casually) No kidding...
Wiggum: Big T, eh?
(Homer, Wiggum, and the cops start backing towards the door, eyeing one another carefully)
Homer: Well, I guess I'll be going home now, to sleep.
Wiggum: Yes. Me too. I will also go home. For sleep.
(beat, then the four of them rush at the door)
- The Brick Joke with Kent, noticing everyone madly looking for Molloy's treasure:Kent: Hordes of panicky people are leaving town for some unknown reason. Professor, without knowing precisely what the danger is, would you say it's time for our viewers to crack each other's heads open and feast on the goo inside?
Professor: Mm, yes I would, Kent.
- At the very end of the episode, everyone's dug themselves into a massive hole looking for Molloy's loot (having not realised it was a distraction).Otto: How're we gonna get out of here?
Homer: We'll dig our way out!
(They start digging)
Wiggum: No, no, dig up, stupid!
93. - "Bart Gets Famous"
- Homer answers the phone at work, having run from the showers (much like Marge just did at home).
- Homer is informed Bart went missing from the box factory field trip (he ran away to the TV studio next door):Homer: (grabbing Principal Skinner) Whaddaya mean, you lost him? He might have fallen into one of these machines! (he notices Bart's hat on a box in the assembly line) Oh, my God: that's his lucky red hat! He's a box! (falls to his knees) My boy's a box! (shaking his fist at the sky) DAMN YOU! A BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOX!
- Bart versus the security at Krustylu Studios.(Bart walks up to the gate at Krustylu Studios. As he does, a security guard blocks his path)
Security Guard: Ah, ah, ah. Do you work here, little boy?
Security Guard: (salutes) Well, then, go right in, sir!
- Bart steals a Danish from Kent Brockman and gives it to Krusty (who also wants one).Krusty: Oh, great. Now where am I gonna get a Danish?
Bart: Here's a Danish, Krusty.
Krusty: (excited) Gimme, gimme, gimme. (chews) Now that's Danish. Where'd you get it?
Bart: I stole it from Kent Brockman.
Krusty: Great. (stops chewing) He didn't touch it, did he?
Krusty: (resumes chewing) Good job, kid. What's your name?
Bart: I'm Bart Simpson. I saved you from jail... I reunited you with your estranged father... I saved your career, man! Remember your comeback special?
Krusty: Yeah, well What Have You Done for Me Lately??
Bart: I got you that Danish.
Krusty: And I'll never forget it.
- A flashback of Homer as a teenager shows him performing "Tighten Up" by Archie Bell and the Drells as part of a one-man band. He ends up getting attacked by an Italian organ grinder's monkey.
- Bart tries to show Nelson, Lewis, Milhouse and Martin his name in the credits for Krusty's TV show. Thanks to a Credits Pushback, it's basically unreadable:Milhouse: Looks more like Brad Storch.
Martin: No. It says Betty. Betty Symington.
Nelson: (punches Bart in the stomach) That's for taking credit for other people's work!
- Bill & Marty on the radio after Bart's disastrous performance:"And that was "Kung Fu Fighting". Say, speaking of one-trick ponies, whatever happened to that "I didn't do it" kid?" "Boy, did that get old fast. Whoa! You know, if you wanna last in this business, you gotta stay fresh." (cue wacky, recycled stock sound effects)
94. - "Homer and Apu"
- The episode begins with Apu overcharging customers for products ($4.20 for $2 of gas). Angry, the customers storm out, one stopping to try and destroy a twinkie. He has no luck, and resorts to just throwing it on the ground, prompting Apu to yell after him.Apu: Silly customer! You cannot hurt a twinkie! (the twinkie springs back into shape)
- Homer confronts Apu at the Kwik-E-Mart after eating some rotten expired ham.Homer: Your old meat made me sick!
Apu: Oh, I'm so sorry. Please accept 5 pounds of frozen shrimp. (lifts up a bucket and places it on the counter)
Homer: (picks up a shrimp and sniffs) This shrimp isn't frozen, and it smells funny!
Apu: [lifts up a second bucket] Okay, 10 pounds.
Homer: Woo-hoo! (cut to an ambulance, again)
- After losing his job for selling tainted meat, Apu declares that he doesn't want to live anymore. How does he decide to take his life? By eating one of his hotdogs. The man sent to tell him of his termination apparently took this very seriously, as he had to physically restrain Apu to keep him from eating the hotdog.
- Apu approaches Homer with his arms out as if to strangle him, which he then explains is, in his village, a traditional pose of apology. "You know, now that I think about it, it may be a little confusing. Many have died needlessly."
- Then, after he explains that he wants to square himself with Homer.Homer: You're...selling what now?
Apu: I'm selling only the concept of karmic realignment.
Homer: You can't sell that! Karma can only be portioned out by the cosmos! (slams the door)
Apu: He's got me there.
- Then, after he explains that he wants to square himself with Homer.
- Homer finds out Apu is hanging around the house still wanting forgiveness.Homer: Is he still out there?
Marge: Yes, he's raking the yard.
Homer: What?! That's your job! If he starts doing Lisa's wood-chopping...!
- Homer compares Lisa's shenai playing to an album that Grampa released. (Which, sadly, we don't get more information on, not even in later episodes.)
- While staying with the Simpsons, Apu cooks for them.Homer: All this food is really getting the cholesterol out of the old heart.
(Zoom in to Homer's stomach. A portion of the cooking dislodges some cholesterol, which moves up to Homer's brain, short-circuiting it. Zoom back out to Homer staring numbly)
Homer: Mmm. Apu me friend good.
- James Woods curses a blue streak as he's scraping caked cheese off the microwave walls and arguing with his agent on the phone. Not even Family Guy could come up with anything that funny for James Woods.James Woods: T-Tony, you're, you're my agent, you have to do something about this. (sighs) How can it be the same movie if they've changed my character from a tightly-wound convenience store clerk to a jittery Eskimo firefighter? (listens) Ah-hah. Ah-hah. Mm-hm. Hmm. ...Well, actually that's...that's a pretty good explanation. Now this gross, this'd be gross points, right, in this new — okay. Yeah, cause those monkey p-...yeah. Okay, good. Book me a flight, rent me the igloo, and tell those dorks at the Kwik-E Mart that, boom, I am outta here, I am a dot, I'm gone, okay? (sticks his head in the microwave and chisels at the hardened cheese inside) Whaddya mean I gotta give two weeks' notice, what, this damn freakin' no-good mother- *BLEEEEP* *BLEEP* *BLEEP* *BLEEP* *BLEEP* *BLEEP* *BLEEP* CHEESE! —No, not you, I was just talkin' to my oven.
- On finding the first ever Kwik-E-Mart, Apu is given three questions. Unfortunately, Homer blows them...Kwik-E-Mart Founder: Approach, my son. You may ask me three questions.
Apu: That's great, because all I need is one. How do I—
Homer: Are you really the head of the Kwik-E-Mart?
Kwik-E-Mart Founder: Yes.
Kwik-E-Mart Founder: Yes.
Kwik-E-Mart Founder: Yes. I hope this has been enlightening for you.
Apu: But I must—
Kwik-E-Mart Founder: Thank you, come again.
Kwik-E-Mart Founder: Thank you, come again.
(cut to Homer and a dejected Apu walking back down the mountain path)
Homer: Well, that was a bust. Is he really the head of the Kwik-E-Mart?
(a furious Apu snarls, and advances on Homer)
Homer: No need to apologise, Apu. It was as much my fault as it was yours.
(Apu leaps on Homer, and begins strangling him)
Homer: (as he's being strangled) Okay... Apu... I accept your apology.
95. - "Lisa vs. Malibu Stacy"
- Grampa Abe rants about different things on the car ride home from the mall.Abe: Why didn't you buy something useful, like storm windows, or a nice pipe organ? I'm thirsty. Eww, what smells like mustard? There sure are a lot of ugly people in your neighborhood. Ooh, look at that one! (Homer parks the car and the other family members quickly pile out) Ow, my glaucoma just got worse. The President is a Demmycrat! Hello? I can't unbuckle my seatbelt! HELLO! (honks car horn, despite being strapped in the backseat)
- Lisa is outraged by Bart's comments about the doll's phrases and goes on a breathless rant, with Bart just staring at her in confusion.Lisa: It's not funny, Bart! Millions of girls will grow up thinking that this is the right way to act — that they can never be anything more than vacuous ninnies whose only goal is to look pretty, land a rich husband and spend all day on the phone with their equally vacuous friends talking about how damn terrific it is to look pretty and land a rich husband! (fumes with rage)
Bart: Just what I was gonna say.
Lisa: (growls with rage, then throws the doll out the window)
- Cut to the b-plot, where Abe is riding a bike in the street in an attempt to be young and carefree. The doll gets caught in the spokes of the bike, sending him screaming into an open grave (with two grave diggers having lunch and not doing anything about the old man who just fell in the hole).Abe: Hey... this ain't so bad...
- Cut to the b-plot, where Abe is riding a bike in the street in an attempt to be young and carefree. The doll gets caught in the spokes of the bike, sending him screaming into an open grave (with two grave diggers having lunch and not doing anything about the old man who just fell in the hole).
- This bit, when Lisa's ranting about the doll to her family over dinner:Lisa: They cannot keep making dolls like this! Something has to be done!
(Homer, Bart, and Marge continue eating normally)
Marge: Lisa... ordinarily I'd say you should stand up for what you believe in, but you've been doing that an awful lot lately.
Bart: Yeah, you made us march in that gay rights parade! (he holds up a newspaper declaring "Local Gays Show Their Pride", where the main picture is Bart's face)
Homer: (sarcastically) And we can't watch Fox because they own those chemical weapon plants in Syria!
- This classic bit, when Lisa is on a tour of the Malibu Stacy factory:Tour Guide: Welcome to Enchantment Lane, where all the parts come together and Malibu Stacy is born! Some folks say there's a little touch of fairy dust in the air!
(Cut to a scene with a thuggish, hunchbacked minion on the assembly line, putting together Malibu Stacy dolls. The assembly line stops when the chute spewing the doll parts gets jammed.)
Assembly Line Minion: (grumbling) Aw, crap. There's a clog in the torso chute! Leroy! Get your ass in gear!
(Another equally world-weary line worker appears to dislodge the clog with a broom.)
Minion 2: Shut your hole!
- At the end of the tour of the Malibu Stacy factory:Tour Guide: If you have any questions, I'd be happy to answer!
Lisa: I have one.
Tour Guide: Yes?
Lisa: Is the remarkably sexist drivel spouted by Malibu Stacy intentional, or is it just a horrible mistake?
Tour Guide: (giggling) Believe me, we're very mindful of such concerns.
Corporate Executive: (wolf whistling from the next room) Hey, Jiggles! Grab a pad and back that gorgeous butt in here.
Tour Guide: Oh, you. Get away! (still giggling)
Corporate Executive: Ah, don't act like you don't like it.
(the Tour Guide enters the boardroom, slamming the door with her ample rear as she does so)
- Lisa and Abe sitting at the kitchen table:Lisa: It's awful being a kid. No one listens to you.
Abe: It's rotten being old. No one listens to you.
Homer: (walks in) I'm a white male, age 18 to 49. Everyone listens to me — no matter how dumb my suggestions are. (Opens a cupboard, pulls out a can labelled "Nuts and Gum: Together at last!", starts chomping and exits.)
Lisa: Well I'm not going to accomplish anything just sitting here—
Abe: —and griping. It's time for—
Lisa: — action! I've got to talk to that woman who invented Malibu Stacy, and see if I can get her to—
Abe: —come out of retirement. I'm gonna get me a job — a real Malibu ...and see if Stacy...can help...invent...me...young...Help!
Lisa: You're getting a job.
Abe: Yes! I'm going where the action is.
- Cut to Abe, working at a local Krusty Burger.Abe: (wearing a headset and twiddling knobs on a control panel) Come in, come in...Mayday! I'm losing your transmission...
(a man is in his car outside, at the Krusty Burger drive-through. A line-up of cars is behind him)
Man: (yells) I said "FRENCH FRIES!
Abe: (surprised and uncertainly) What the...? Do we sell...French...fries?
- Cut to Abe, working at a local Krusty Burger.
- Smithers turns on his computer to find some information about Stacy LaVelle for Lisa. A pixeled image of Mr. Burns (who is implied to be naked) shows up on the computer monitor.Mr. Burns Image: Hello, Smithers. You're quite good at turning me on.
Smithers: Uhmmm, you probably should ignore that...
- Lisa enters Stacy LaVelle's mansion. A teenager comes rushing behind her, exclaiming, "All right! I've been waiting nine years to get my Frisbee back!" and retrieves his Frisbee. Before the show cuts to commercial, we see the Frisbee fly back into Stacy's yard and the boy groans in exasperation.
- In order to combat Lisa, the company behind Malibu Stacy call in a favour from Washington.Senator: (on phone) Yes? I understand. I'll take care of it personally.
(The Simpsons' house, at night. The Senator's limo drives past, and he throws a brick at the door, chuckling evilly before driving off]]
Lisa: Dad, did you hear something?
- "We need more secret sauce. Put this mayonnaise out in the sun."
- Grampa Abe decides to quit his job at Krusty Burger when he realizes the senior citizens are right to make complaints.Abe: And one more thing! I never once washed my hands! That's your policy, not mine!
- Even better, the Squeaky Voiced Teen looks utterly appalled at this.
- The elderly diners lift Abe in victory — then promptly collapse because of their frailty.
- At the very end of their rope, the Malibu Stacy designers come up with a last minute solution: They give Stacy a new hat. Lisa's attempts to make the girls of Springfield see reason fail.Lisa: WAIT! Don't be fooled! She's still the same old Malibu Stacy with a stupid cheap hat! She still embodies all the awful stereotypes she did before!
(beat, as the girls (and Smithers) stare blankly)
Smithers: ...But she's got a new hat!
- One of Lisa's friends ended up getting a defective Malibu Stacy doll, causing it to speak in a deep male voice "My Spidey Sense is tingling! Anybody call for a webslinger?"
96. - "Deep Space Homer"
- Just as NASA decide they need to find a blue collared slob, they discuss how to find one:Dr. Babcock: I suggest a lengthy, inefficient search, at the taxpayers expense of course.
Director: I wish there were an easier way...
(the conference room phone rings)
Homer: Hey, is this NASA?
Homer: Good! I may be just a blue collared slob, but I know what I likes on TV, and I'm sick of your boring space launches.
Director: How did you get this number?
Homer: SHUT UP! And another thing, how come I can't get no Tang 'round here? And another thing... hold on a sec. (he leaves to flush a toilet. The NASA personnel look at one another in triumph.)
Director: Gentlemen, our long search is over!
- The scene then cuts to Moe's, where Homer is now bothering Bill Clinton about getting Tang.Homer: Hey, is this President Clinton? I figured if anyone knew where to get some Tang, it'd be you. (pause, as Clinton presumably asks him how he phoned him) SHUT UP!
- The scene then cuts to Moe's, where Homer is now bothering Bill Clinton about getting Tang.
- Homer becomes distraught at the NASA press conference.Homer: The only danger in space is if we land on the terrible Planet of the Apes. (*Beat*) Wait a minute...Statue of Liberty? THAT WAS OUR PLANET!!! YOU MANIACS! YOU BLEW IT UP! DAMN YOU! DAMN YOU ALL TO HELL! (starts sobbing)
- "And no more questions about whether this is a joke!" All of the journalists' Hands Go Down.
- Homer's face changes into Popeye.Homer: (in Popeye's voice) I CAN'T STANDS NO MORE!
- There's a Star Trek-esque fight that Barney and Homer participate in which is apparently part of astronaut training at NASA.
- "Esque" nothing. They use the actual fight music from the show. One of the scientists even bets in quatloos.
- Homer is told that astronaut training doesn't have a swimsuit competition like in beauty pageants.Homer: You mean I shaved my bikini zone for nothing?!
- "Gentlemen, you've both worked very hard, and in a way you're both winners. But in another, more accurate way, Barney is the winner." In celebration, Barney and Homer are offered champagne. Barney takes a few sips, and the camera zooms on him as dramatic music cues his shift back to alcoholism.Barney: It BEGINS!
- Barney then struggles with NASA scientist Dr. Babcock for the champagne bottle, eventually taking it from him. He proceeds to hijack an experimental NASA jetpack. Barney hums an off-key rendition of the "Charge" song, proceeds to take off, flies for a few feet, before crashing face-first into the roof of a pillow factory, and then getting run over by a marshmallow truck.
- And then, the twist.
- As a result, Homer is made the winner by default.Homer: Woo-hoo! The two sweetest words in the English language! De-fault! De-fault! De-fault! De-(Doctor Babcock hits him with a cosh)
NASA Director: Where'd you get that, anyway?
Doctor Babcock: Sent away.
- Homer opens a bag of chips in zero gravity, causing them to fly everywhere:Race Banyon: THEY'LL CLOG THE INSTRUMENTS!
Buzz: Careful! They're ruffled!
- To solve the problem, Homer unbuckles himself and starts floating around the capsule, eating the chips to the Blue Danube waltz, with his munching in time to the beat. However, the makes things worse by floating toward an antfarm:Ant: (in subtitles) Protect the queen!
Ant 2: Who's the queen?
Ant 3: I'm the queen!
Ant 1: No, you're not!
(Homer smashes against the case, sending them flying as well)
Ant: Freedom! Horrible, horrible freedom!
- And thanks to an ill-timed video feed of the mess, Kent comes away with the wrong impression.Kent Brockman: Ladies and gentlemen, we've just lost the picture, but what we've seen... speaks for itself. The Covair spacecraft has been taken over, conquered if you will, by a master race of giant space ants. It's difficult to tell from this vantage point whether the ants will consume the astronauts or merely enslave them, but one thing is clear — there is no stopping them, the ants will soon be here. And I, for one, welcome our new insect overlords. I'd like to remind them that as a trusted TV personality I can be helpful in rounding up others to toil in their underground sugar caves.
- On seeing this, Marge tries reassuring Bart and Lisa.
- A few minutes later, it seems someone explained to Kent what really happened.Kent: Well, this reporter was... possibly a bit hasty earlier and would like to... reaffirm his allegiance to our human president. It may not be perfect, but it's still the best government we have. For now. Oh, and the shuttlecraft in extreme danger, risky re-entry, may not make it back to Earth, blah blah blah blah. We'll see you after the movie.
- Lest we forget the "HAIL ANTS" sign Brockman had hanging behind towards the end, which he hastily takes down.
- To solve the problem, Homer unbuckles himself and starts floating around the capsule, eating the chips to the Blue Danube waltz, with his munching in time to the beat. However, the makes things worse by floating toward an antfarm:
- Everything involving the Inanimate Carbon Rod. "Hey, what is that?" "It's an inanimate carbon rod!" Smash Cut to the rod on the cover of Time, followed by it getting a parade.
- Homer tries to find escape in TV...and fails.Homer: TV respects me. It laughs with me, not at me.
(he turns on the TV and there's a guy laughing hysterically at the camera)
Guy: You stupid—!
- Bart writing "Insert Brain Here" on the back of Homer's skull.(Lisa starts giggling when Homer turns his back)
Marge: Bart, I told you: don't draw on your father's skull. (looks at the back of Homer's head and starts snickering)
Homer: What? What does it say?
(Homer starts trying to look at the back of his head, causing him to fall to the ground and starting spinning on the floor, while the entire family laughs until it eventually goes on for so long that they begin to feel uncomfortable)
97. - "Homer Loves Flanders"
- Ned Flanders offers Homer the other football game ticket he won in a radio contest. Homer slams the door in his face and starts complaining.Homer: (yelling at the ceiling) Why do you mock me, O Lord?
Marge: Homer, that's not God. That's just a waffle that Bart tossed up there.
(Marge pries the waffle off of the ceiling. Homer catches it)
Homer: I know I shouldn't eat Thee, but... (nom) ...Mmm, sacrilicious.
- Mr. Burns gives an inspiring speech to his football team:Mr. Burns: Men, there is a little, crippled boy sitting in the hospital who wants to you to win this game. I know because... I crippled him myself to inspire you.
(cut to Milhouse lying in a hospital bed with a broken leg and his parents by his bedside)
Milhouse: (to his parents) I hope they win... Or Mr. Burns said he's coming back.
- Lisa's description of the pointless rivalry between Springfield and Shelbyville. "They built a mini-mall, so we built a bigger mini-mall. They made the world's largest pizza, so we burnt down their city hall."
- Ned's delighted when Homer says he wants to go to the game with him...and then notices he's armed with a pipe. Flanders reacts...well, like Flanders.Ned: Ooh, what's with the lead pipe? Gonna give my noggin a floggin'?
Homer: (sheepishly) Well, yeah...
- Ned drives past Lenny and Carl in the football stadium parking lot. Homer doesn't want to be seen with Ned, so he pushes Ned down to hide him.Lenny: Hey look, Homer's got one of those robot cars!
(the car crashes because Ned could not see where he was driving)
Carl: One of those American robot cars.
- Later, on the way out, Ned offers to duck again:Homer: I want everyone to know that (yells at Lenny and Carl) THIS IS NED FLANDERS, MY FRIEND!
Lenny: What did he say?
Carl: I don't know. Something about being gay.
- Later, on the way out, Ned offers to duck again:
- Homer receives the game ball from Stan Taylor. At home, he removes the wedding picture of Marge and him off the mantle so the football can go in its place, then throws the picture and frame in a garbage can.Marge: (takes the picture out of the trash) Homer, that's our wedding photo.
Homer: Marge, quit living in the past.
- Homer's Rapping With Ronnie Reagan tape, guaranteed to make the trip go faster.
- Homer breathing though his nose and Ned's violent reaction.
98. - "Bart Gets an Elephant"
- The Simpsons' house is very filthy and Marge prevents Bart, Homer, and Lisa from doing anything else until it's clean. She instructs each of them to choose a place they want to clean.Homer: I CALL THE BASEMENT!
Bart, Marge, and Lisa: (reluctantly, in unison) Fine!
Homer: D'oh? (opens the basement door and sees a big mess) D'oh!
- In the basement, Homer gets high off the cleaner fumes (after not heeding to the warning, "Use only in well-ventilated area") and imagines all of the cleaner bottle mascots (the Turtle Wax turtle, Mr. Clean, the Scrubbing Bubbles) attacking him.Mr. Clean: I must destroy you!
(Homer starts screaming as the mascots attack him)
Marge: What's going on down there?
(The mascots stop attacking and look about sheepishly)
Marge: Then stop screaming so loud!
(the mascots go back to attacking Homer, who just whimpers quietly)
- Radio DJs Bill and Marty attempt to dissuade Bart from wanting the elephant gag prize.Marty: We think we know how your mind works, Bart. So how about this: we pay your principal $10,000 to pull down his pants and keep them down for the rest of the school year, ha ha!
Seymour: (deadpan) I'll do it, Bart.
Bill: OK, OK...what if we use the $10,000 to, er, surgically transform Skinner here into, er...some kind of a lobster-like creature?
Seymour: (deadpan) Well now, wait just a minute! That wasn't discussed with me.
- Bart and Homer are tossed out of the radio station because Bart demands an elephant. Homer says "Whee!" as he is thrown outside. Bart starts shouting loud enough outside the station to be heard over the airwaves.Bart: (on the radio) Where's my elephant?!
Abe: Hey, they're playing The Elephant Song.
Jasper: I like this song. It reminds me of elephants.
- Kent Brockman reports on what happened to Bart.Kent: So isn't that what we're all asking in our own lives: "Where's my elephant?" I know that's what I've been asking.
- Stampy uses his trunk to send a young boy flying a small distance in the backyard. Homer then demands payment from the boy's mother.Homer: Your kid flew 10 feet. That counts as a ride. 2 bucks.
- When a cattle egret lands on Stampy and starts pecking him,Homer: (gasps) That bird! He's killing the elephant! Stop him!
Lisa: No, Dad, he's grooming him.
(Cut to Homer sitting on the couch, a bird on his head.)
- When Stampy stomps through the Flanders' yard:Ned: (wakes up) It's the four elephants of the apocalypse!
Maude: That's horsemen, Ned.
Ned: Well, gettin' closer. (goes back to sleep)
- Lisa blames Mr. Blackheart the ivory dealer for Bart and Stampy's disappearance. Homer becomes mad.
- A peanut factory foreman sees Stampy approaching the building.Foreman: This is the moment we feared, people! Many of you thought it would never happen. But I insisted we spend two hours every morning training for it. You all thought I was mad. Many of you requested to be transferred to another peanut factory. But now we... (Stampy bursts through the door and crushes the foreman)
- Homer hits a deer statue with his car.Homer: D'oh!
Lisa: A deer!
Marge: A ''female'' deer!
- Homer is pulled out of the Tar Pits.Homer: I'm saved! And I owe it all to this feisty feline...
Lisa: Dad, a feline is a cat.
Homer: Elephant. It's an elephant, honey. And I'm sure he'll make a grand piano.
Lisa and Bart: Dad!
- When Stampy is brought to the elephant sanctuary at the end, Homer head-butts the guide repeatedly as the bull elephants head-butt each other.
99. - "Burns' Heir"
- Waylon Smithers has a bump in the road with the infatuation he has for his boss.Mr. Burns: (sadly) Smithers, do you realize if I had died, there would be no one to carry on my legacy. Due to my hectic schedule and lethargic sperm, I never fathered an heir. Now I have no one to leave my enormous fortune to. No one (Smithers clears his throat) You? (laughs) Oh, no my dear Smithers. I have a much greater reward in store for you. When I pass on, you shall be buried alive with me. (shows a diorama of the grisly plan, complete with screaming model Smithers)
Smithers: ...Oh — goody.
- Mr. Burns makes Lenny beg to keep his job without using the letter "E":
- Mr. Burns holds auditions for a young man suitable enough to inherit his vast fortune.Milhouse: I have nothing to offer you but my love.
Mr. Burns: I specifically said, "No geeks!"
Milhouse: But my mom says I'm cool.
Mr. Burns: Next.
Nelson: (demanding) Gimme your fortune or I'll pound your withered old face in!
Mr. Burns: Oh, I like his energy. Put him on the call back list.
Martin: [singing] "Clang, clang, clang went the trolley / Ring, ring, ring went the bell / Zing, zing, zing went my heartstrings... / Oooh! (Nelson punches him)
Mr. Burns: Thank you. Give the bully an extra point.
Lisa: I propose to you that your heir need not be a boy. In this phallocentric society of ours—Mr. Burns: I don't know what "phallocentric" means, but no girls!Milhouse: (in drag) So much for Plan B.
- Lisa auditions:
Bart: Hello, Mr... Kurns? I bad want... money now. Me sick.
- When Bart auditions, he reads from Homer's badly written cue cards:
Homer: Oh, he card reads good.
Bart: So pick please me, Mr Burns.
Homer: It's "Kurns", stupid!
Marge: No it's not.
- When leaving the mansion after the auditions:Homer: Kids, you tried your best, and you failed miserably! The lesson is, never try! (snickers at Bart) Right in the butt.
- Homer's reactions to Bart's bratty behaviour, first when he's flicking peas at Lisa:Homer: Lisa, stop getting in the way of your wealthy brother's peas!
- And then Bart feeds his dinner to Santa's Little Helper.Homer: That's it! Being abusive to your family is one thing, but I will not stand idly by and watch you feed a hungry dog! Go to your room!
- And then Bart feeds his dinner to Santa's Little Helper.
- Homer demands Bart to leave Mr. Burns' mansion and come home.Mr. Burns: I suggest you leave immediately.
Homer: Or what? You'll release the dogs? Or the bees? Or the dogs with bees in their mouth so when they bark they shoot bees at you? Well go ahead, do your worst!
(Bart, Mr. Burns, and Smithers retreat inside. Homer runs to the door and tries to open it)
Homer: He locked the door! I'll show him! (he rings the doorbell and runs away)
- There's something about the sheer incredulity in Homer's voice when he says "He locked the door!", as if it's something really unusual.
- There's an alternate/deleted scene for Homer at Mr. Burns' mansion when he demands Bart to come home. (It was first shown on the "138th Episode Spectacular" clip show in Season 7.)Mr. Burns: My worst, eh? Smithers, release the robotic Richard Simmons.
(a hidden door opens, and out pops...a robot that looks like Richard Simmons)
Robo-Simmons: (accosting Homer) Come on, big boy! Shake the butter off those buns!
(a speaker juts out the side of its head, and starts blasting a song by KC and the Sunshine Band called "(Shake, Shake, Shake) Shake Your Booty". After about five seconds of this, Homer screams in fear and runs away)
Robo-Simmons: (suddenly appearing next to Bart, Mr. Burns, and Smithers) Come on, come on, girls! Shake, shake, shake!
Mr. Burns: (shooing Bart away) Smithers, it's out of control!
Smithers: [pulls out a shotgun] I'll take it out, sir!
(Smithers fires a shot at the Robo-Simmons' head, leaving a huge hole...which then morphs back into place T-1000-style; Robo-Simmons continues singing and dancing, but the recording breaks down, then plays at many times the original place, as the robot shakes violently)
Smithers: His ass is gonna blow!
(they all scream and run back into the house; the robot then explodes, its severed head landing near the gates of Burns Manor)
- Arguably the best part of that scene is how the way Mr. Burns says "The robotic Richard Simmons" indicates that he has other versions of Richard Simmons waiting to be unleashed.
- Mr. Burns hires three rather unconvincing actors to play the rest of Bart's family so he can convince Bart to stay. He then has to flip through the script to tell the fake Homer that "Homer Simpsons does not say "B'oh!", he says... "D'oh!"
- Homer and Marge approach Lionel Hutz to regain custody of Bart. Not only does he fail, Judge Snyder finds that Burns is clearly Bart's biological father, and Hutz is more concerned about repairing Snyder's shoes.Marge: You know, we should really stop hiring him...
- Later, they hire someone to kidnap Bart and "deprogram" him at the Happy Earwig Motel ("Our crawlspace now body-free!").Deprogrammer: You do not love Mr. Burns! You love Homer and Marge! You are their son! What you are doing is wrong! Wrong! Wrong!
(in the next room over, Mayor Quimby and a young woman glower at the wall)
Quimby: Do you mind? You're killing the romance in here!
- Some time later, he presents them with a brainwashed Hans Moleman, who Homer takes to instantly, kissing his forehead enthusiastically. He's still there at the end of the episode, when Homer introduces Bart to his "new brother". Homer then resumes kissing him, telling the others it's "like kissing a peanut." Marge tells him she wants "that thing" out of her house.
- Later, they hire someone to kidnap Bart and "deprogram" him at the Happy Earwig Motel ("Our crawlspace now body-free!").
- While staying with Mr. Burns, Bart has him get Krusty to deliver pizza, despite Krusty's show being filmed live.Krusty: Eh, I threw out an old re-run, no-one'll know the difference.
(Bart looks over at a TV where the Krusty Show is on. On-screen, Krusty is given a telegram)
Past!Krusty: Children, remain calm. The Falkland Islands have just been invaded! I repeat, the Falklands have just been invaded! (he instantly pulls down a map of Argentina and the Falklands) The disputed islands lie here, off the coast of Argentina...
- Burns shows Bart that he has cameras all over Springfield, including in the Simpsons' house. This reveals to him Homer's secret shame: He loves eating flowers in the bathroom.Bart: So, that explains his mysterious trip to Holland...
- The chalkboard gag, "I will not celebrate meaningless milestones."
- Groundskeeper Willie has to catch Santa's Little Helper in the air ducts of Springfield Elementary school.Willie: Lunchlady Doris...have ye got any grease?
Doris: (flatly) Yes. Yes we do.
Willie: (tears off his shirt) THEN GREASE ME UP, WOMAN!
Doris: (stares, then goes back to usual) ...Okey-dokey.
- Willie: There's nary an animal alive that can outrun a greased Scotsman!
- Apu rants to Principal Skinner about his novel idea which he calls Billy & The Clonesaurus.Apu: Oh, you have got to be kidding, sir. First, you think of an idea that has already been done. Then you give it a title that nobody could possibly like. Didn't you think this through...(cut to later, and Apu is still ranting)...it was on the bestseller list for 18 months! Every magazine cover had...(cut again to later still)...one of the most popular movies of all time, sir! WHAT WERE YOU THINKING?! (Skinner is looking straight down, clearly dejected) I mean, thank you, come again.
- When Bart visits Skinner at boot camp, Skinner calls off a rocket-launching drill. Since the fuses had already been lit, the troops could only redirect their shots. Cut to Apu opening up a gas station just outside the Kwik-E-Mart and noticing something coming from the sky. The scene then cuts back to Skinner and Bart, just as a familiar-looking "K" lands several meters away.
- As Bart and Skinner talk, this happens:Skinner: Frankly, the army just isn't as I remember it.
(A tank rolls past driven by Skinner's trainees, whooping and cheering. One is mooning him, another throws a beer can at his head.)
Recruit: Up yours, sergeant!
Skinner: (utterly deadpan) Actually, it's exactly as I remember it.
- As Bart and Skinner talk, this happens:
- How Flanders ultimately gets fired, after Bart tries to show Chalmers how bad the school's gotten:Flanders: Cockily-dockily-doo, little buddies. Let's thank the Lord for another beautiful school day.
Chalmers: "Thank the Lord—Thank the Lord"?! That sounded like a prayer. (ominous music plays) A prayer...A prayer in a public school! God has no place within these walls, just like facts have no place within organised religion! Simpson, you get your wish! Flanders is history!
101. - "The Boy Who Knew Too Much"
- As Bart is walking down the street, he sees Homer and Homer spots him. Both of them gasp and hide behind a wall.Bart: I can't let Dad see me playing hooky.
Homer: I can't let the boy see me skipping work.
(Bart brushes his hair forward; Homer uses a comb as a mustache)
Bart: (walking past) Good afternoon.
Homer: (walking past) How do you do, sir?
Bart & Homer: (chuckle) Sucker...
- Principal Skinner is pursuing a truant Bart, and walks straight through a river.
- At Freddy Quimby's trial, Skinner looks at Bart from the jury box.Skinner: (I know you can read my thoughts Bart. Just a little reminder: If I find out you cut class, your ass is mine. Yes, you heard me. I think words I would never say.)
Homer: (I know you can read my thoughts Boy. Meow Meow Meow Meow, Meow Meow Meow Meow, Meow Meow Meow Meow Meow Meow Meow Meow.)
- Lisa reassures Bart that a sensible jury will acquit Freddie. Cut to:Homer: Ohhhh, jury duty?! I'll see that Quimby kid hang for this!!Lisa': I knew it was a bad idea to watch him open the mail.
- Freddy Quimby's trial is going smoothly until Freddy believes his lawyer mispronounces a certain word.Lawyer: Even though I've proven Freddy Quimby's innocence already, I would like to call him to the stand so we can all bask in his gentle decency. (Freddy takes the stand) Mr. Quimby, did you assault Mister Lacoste?
Freddy: Of course not. I love each and every living thing on God's green earth.
Lawyer: Well then, you certainly would never lose your temper over something as trivial as the prononciation of "chowder"?
Freddy: That's chowdah! CHOWDAH!! I'll kill you! I'll kill all of you! Especially those of you in the jury!! (people in the courtroom gasp)
Lawyer:...Well, that didn't go well.
- Lionel Hutz has Dr. Hibbert on the stand for use as testimony against Freddy Quimby. He doesn't understand what he says afterward.Lionel: Ladies and gentlemen, I'm going to prove to you not only that Freddy Quimby is guilty, but that he is also innocent of not being guilty. I refer you to my expert witness, Dr. Hibbert.
Dr. Hibbert: Well, only one in two million people has what we call the "evil gene". Hitler had it, Walt Disney had it, and... Freddy Quimby has it.
Lionel: Thank you, Dr. Hibbert. I rest my case.
Judge: You rest your case?
Lionel: What? Oh no, I thought that was just a figure of speech. Case closed.
- At the hotel, Homer watches Free Willy on the television.Homer: Jump, Free Willy. Jump! Jump with all your might!
(on the TV, Willy jumps over a rock barrier as Jesse smiles, but a shadow looms on his face and the smile turns to fear; Jesse gets crushed by the whale)
Annie: Oh, no. Willy didn't make it. And he crushed our boy!
Glen: Ew. What a mess.
Homer: Ohh, I don't like this new director's cut.
- During his clash with his conscience, Bart decides to watch TV.Announcer: Next up on Magarnacle, Magarnacle is framed for a crime he didn't commit. The only witness - a little sissy boy too scared to confess.
Magarnacle: Tell them what you saw, Billy.
Billy: (through tears) But I'm so scared, Mister Magarnacle.
Magarnacle: You gotta do this for me, kid.
Billy: Okay. For you, Magarnacle!
(the scene cuts to Da Chief ranting at Magarnacle)
Da Chief: Well, Magarnacle, Billy is DEAD! They slit his throat from ear to ear!
Magarnacle: Hey, I'm trying to eat lunch here!
102. - "Lady Bouvier's Lover"
- Marge tells Homer that he didn't do a good job decorating the birthday cake. "What, it's not Magaggie's birthday? Oh."
Marge: Homer stop that! (points at another cake with a bunch of letters jumbled up) I made a special cake for you to ruin!
- After Homer eats the extra letters, he starts eating more.
- Abe's reaction when he believes he's in love.Grandpa: Oooh, I feel all funny.... I'm in love! ...No, wait. It's a stroke!
Cuts to an ambulance zooming down the street
Grandpa: Wait, it is love!
(the ambulance stops and tosses the stretcher carrying Grandpa into the road, which goes zooming down it)
Grandpa: I'M IN LOOOOOOVVVEEEEEEE!!!! (the stretcher carrying him zips down the off-ramp into a freeway)
- Mr. Burns is smitten with Marge's mother.Mr. Burns: I'm in love!
Smithers: (flatly) Whoop-de-do, sir.
Mr. Burns: Yes, whoop-de-do! Whoop-de-do to the world! Whoop-de-do, Mr. Florist! Whoop-de-do, Mr. Physical Trainer! Whoop-de-do, Mr. President!
Bill Clinton: I'm happy you finally found love.
Mr. Burns: Whoop-de-do, Tarantula Town! (talks into the Nuclear Plant's speaker system) Whoop-de-do, employees! Everyone that's found true love may leave early today!
(Homer and a bunch of excited employees run off, leaving one sad worker by himself)
- Mrs. Bouvier: I swear, Monty, you're the Devil himself.
Mr. Burns: WHA?!! WHO TOLD Y—! ...Oh, err, heh heh.
- After Bart orders an animation cel using Homer's name and credit card, he waits for the delivery. First, a man in a suit rings the doorbell with a "special delivery" for Homer Simpson. When Bart answers, he gets a punch in the face. "Don't write no more letters to Mr. Sinatra." Soon after, a slightly younger man with the Squeaky-Voiced Teen's voice rings the doorbell, again with a "special delivery." When Bart answers, he gets punched again. "Stop stealing golf balls from the driving range!" The third time, Bart is hesitant to open the door, and the delivery guy makes no effort to specify what this "special delivery" is, but Bart looks through the mail slot and sees the cel in a package. He opens the door, accepts the package, thanks him, and then gets punched again. "That's for keepin' me waitin'!"
- The Graduate Homage where Grandpa interrupts Mr. Burns and Mrs. Bouvier's wedding by pounding on the glass of the organ box, only for it to break and send him faceplanting into the floor. It doesn't phase him and he just jumps to his feet and keeps yelling.Grandpa: Mrs Bouvieeeer! Mrs Bouvieeeeeer! (glass shatters) YAAAAARRRR!
103. - !Secrets of a Successful Marriage"
- During poker night at Lenny's house, Moe gets angry at Homer because he inadvertently bluffed him, by failing to realize he had a straight flush:Carl: (to Moe) Hey, don't yell at Homer. Just 'cause he's a little slow...
Homer's Brain: Something was said! Not good! What was it? "Don't yell at Homer?" No, that's okay... What was it...? "Slow"! They called you slow!
Homer: How dare you call me that!? I... huh? (he finds that it's now much later at night and everyone is gone; Lenny is in his pajamas at the fridge)
Lenny: Hey, Homer, you're still here? Boy, you are slow!
Homer's Brain: Something said! Not good...!
Lenny: Get the hell outta here!
- Homer is upset over being called slow:Homer: Oh, who am I kidding? I am slow.
Marge: Oh, Homie, if you feel so bad about yourself, there's always things you can do to feel better.
Homer: Take another bath in malt liquor?
Marge: There's that...or you could take an adult education course.
Homer: Oh, and how is "education" supposed to make me feel smarter? Besides, every time I learn something new, it pushes some old stuff out of my brain. Remember when I took that home winemaking course and I forgot how to drive?
Marge: That's because you were drunk!
Homer: And how.
- Moe teaching a self defense break dancing course.
- On the way to his new teaching job, Homer goes through the Krusty Burger drive thru just to chat with the order box — which, in the city of Springfield, is a felony offense. He then gets arrested for doing it again a few scenes later. "You were warned about teasing the box!"Pimple-faced teen: (after Homer dashes off) Wait, I need closure on that anecdote!
- Homer runs a red light, claiming he's allowed to do it since he's a teacher. Ms. Hoover overhears him, exclaims "I didn't know we could do that!" and proceeds to run the light as well.
- Homer tries to liken a good marriage to eating an orange.Homer: (holding an orange) You see, marriage is a lot like an orange. First...you've got the skin, and then the sweet, sweet innards. (eats the orange messily)
Apu: I..I don't understand.
Willie: If I wanted to see a man eat an orange, I would've taken the orange-eatin' class.
(cut to said class)
Moleman: The eating of an orange is a lot like a good marriage.
Abe: JUST EAT THE DAMN ORANGES!
- Marge doesn't like Homer telling his class secrets about their marriage. He tries to defend it.Homer: Look, Marge, you don't know what it's like — I'm the one out there putting his ass on the line. And I'm not out of order! You're out of order! The whole freakin' system is out of order! You want the truth? You want the truth? You can't handle the truth! 'Cause when you reach over and put your hand into a pile of goo that was your best friend's face, you'll know what to do! Forget it, Marge! It's Chinatown!
Marge: (yanks Homer's collar, yells, Death Glare) Homer, don't ever tell them personal stuff about me again!
Homer: (meekly) Yes ma'am.
- Lisa encounters Homer's fake version of Marge he made out of a tall plant and a paper plate stuck to it for her face.Homer: Good news, Lisa. I don't need your mother anymore. I've created a replacement that's superior to her in almost every way!
Lisa: Dad, that's just a plant.
Homer: Lisa! You will respect your new mother! Now, give her a kiss. KIIIIISS her! (the plant falls out of the treehouse and smashes) Aah! Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God! All right, let's get our stories straight — she tripped, right?
Lisa: ...Look, I brought you some rice pudding.
- Homer asks his brain for advice on winning Marge back.Homer's Brain: (rapidly) Eat the pudding, eat the pudding, eat the pudding, eat the pudding, eat the pudding, eat the pudding, eat the pudding.
- While exiled to the tree-house, Homer sees Reverend Lovejoy coming to the house.Homer: Reverend Lovejoy! He'll tell Marge to get back together with me. He has to push the sanctity of marriage, or his God will punish him...
(cut to the reverend and Helen Lovejoy having tea with Marge)
Reverend Lovejoy: Get a divorce.
Helen Lovejoy: Mmm-hmm.
Marge: Isn't that a sin?
Reverend Lovejoy: (holds up a Bible) Marge, ya ever sat down and read this thing? Technically, we're not allowed to go to the bathroom.
- Homer: (to Marge) That's it! I've found out what I can give you that no one else can: Complete and utter dependence!