- When Smalls tells Mr. Mertle the now-destroyed ball was signed by Babe Ruth.Mertle: George signed this?!Smalls: George Herman Ruth? Yeah.Mertle: [amused] I take it back. You're not in trouble; you're dead where you stand.
"Why didn't you just knock on the door? I'd have gotten it for you." Cue everyone screaming "SQUINTS!" and pelting him with hats
- Before this, Mertle was built up by Squints to be a Scary Black Man. When the kids own up and say what was going on, he gives this:
- After Smalls gives his stepfather the new autographed baseball to make up for the one he lost.Even though Bill loved the Murderers' Row ball, he was still plenty mad about me having swiped his Babe Ruth-autographed ball and ruining it, so I didn't feel too bad when he grounded for a week... instead of the rest of my life.
- The look on DeNunez's face after Smalls runs the ball to him all the way from left field.
- FORRRRRR EHHHHHH —VER!..... FORRRRRR EHHHHHH —VER!..... FORRRRRR EHHHHHH —VER!....
- Squints' Kiss of LifeWendy: LITTLE PERVERT!Timmy: Oh man, he's in deep shit!
- The immortal line: "You play ball like a GIRL!" Made especially funny by the reactions of the other kids, who immediately go dead silent like Porter just cursed in church. To drive it home even more, the song that was playing for the last minute or so, "Green Onions" by Booker T. and the M.G.'s, gets cut off immediately. Judging by his expression after he said it, even Ham realized he crossed a line but stood by the insult.
- Ham's psyche-out conversations with the batters of the snobby team, making them all strike out.Ham: You know, if my dog... was as ugly as you, I'd shave his butt, and tell him to walk backwards.
- After smoking the other kids, the Sandlot crew go to the fair with a large bag of tobacco ("Big Chief! The best!") in tow. The kids dip heartily and then go on a ride, which turns very messy by the end. The gradual expression on the kids' faces from jubilation to pained is particularly hilarious.
- When Ham hits a home run, everyone yells at and hits him with their gloves for losing the ball while he just runs the bases, bragging.
- The "exploding treehouse." Granted it's not really exploding; it's just a vacuum cleaner after The Beast pinches a hose shut, blocking the air and making the pressure build up. But from the boys' point of view, it's a case of Outrun the Fireball.Hamilton: IT'S GONNA BLOW!!!
- Yeah-Yeah's close encounter with the Beast, which has him retreating in full-blown panic, including tribbing his lips with his finger like a cartoon character.
- During the "Where Are They Now?" Epilogue, Bertram is mentioned to have "really got into The '60s and no one ever saw him again." The narrator's delivery of the line sells it.
- Squint's tale of how The Beast came to be. While it serves as In-Universe Nightmare Fuel, the delivery and especially the noir-style cutaways are so over the top that it comes right back around to being hilarious.
- The scene where the kids go into Mr. Mertle's abandoned house.
- "I'm the biggest!" "Don't you mean the fattest?"
- Two-ton's uncle tries to perform mouth-to-mouth resuscitation on Tommy, who's just waking up.