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Funny / The Rock Critic

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  • During the Raditude review, he is relieved to have gotten a good track out of the album in the form of "Love Is The Answer", and is intrigued to hear what comes next. Cue the title reveal that the next track is the second to be produced by Jermaine Dupri, followed by a close-up of Crash screaming and putting a gun to his head. Followed by another gun. Then a third hand holding another gun.
    • Also the entire section on "Can't Stop Partying" (which Crash considers to be the worst Weezer song of all time), especially the "pimp cup" chant.
  • His review of No Fixed Address. All of it.
  • Both the accidental and eventually intentional references to d'yucks in the review of A Moon-Shaped Pool.
  • In "Bad Album Covers Vol. 3", the first thing Crash does is drive Satanic Jackula insane by drawing parallels between him and the sophomore album cover of comedic NDH band Knorkator.
    • This line: "Why do people watch you anyway!?" "DANK MEMES, BITCH!!!!!"
    • Just everything Crash does to mess with Satanic Jackula repeatedly until Count Jackula himself finally steps in to own Crash by using dark magic.
      • Ten times funnier when Crash goes Saiyan over Jack's attacks only to be owned mid sentence by more anvils, all while Jack having a 'Not giving a shit' expression while doing the devil horns gesture.
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  • Crash's 2016 album of the year is briefly replaced by Lil' D.Va with a fictional album called Booty, and Crash rambles on about butts before suddenly realizing the switch.
  • His "I Hate This Song" review of "Hero" has a few choice moments of funny:
    • Crash's Skyward Scream of the two men responsible for this song: CHAD KROEGER AND JOSEY...SCOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!note 
      Crash: Oh my God! Oh my FUCKING GOD, how did this happen?! How in the name of God, the devil, and George Carlin's ghost did we let something this unholy occur?!?!
  • In his Into The Unknown review, he comments on how, dated as they may be, the synths haven't been too intrusive. And then, the next track, "Losing Generation," starts with a synth line that sounds almost exactly like the theme to Press Your Luck. Crash immediately falls over laughing and, while talking about the song, plays a Jazzercise video over it to accentuate its datedness.
  • In the first episode of the Green Day Retrospective, Crash admits that the reason he didn't bother with Green Day until Nimrod was because Rivers Cuomo mocked them in "El Scorcho". Cue Rivers's head showing up and:
    Crash:...You ruin everything, you know that?
    Rivers's head: Oh nooooo~
    [cue a laugh track and an end image of Crash about to shoot and stab River's head]
    • It makes a call back again in the review when Crash admits he started listening to Nimrod was when he told Rivers to fuck off. Cue the Rivers head showing up and saying "Oh Nooo~" and then getting shot by Crash. And he continues to shoot until he quietly says "Never again". And then realizes what he did.
  • During the review of Everything Will Be Alright in the End in the final part of The Rise and Fall of Weezer, Crash describes the shortened name for the album. How? A skit where he enters his bedroom and shouts "EWBAITE!" at Rivers Cuomo masturbating and then going "Ain't I a stinker?". Crash was not amused.
  • Crash's review of One More Light. When a review starts with him shouting "Jesus Fucking Christ!" you know it's gonna be good.
    Crash: When you fail at trying to knock-off The mother-humping Chainsmokers, YOU OFFICIALLY FUCKING SUCK!
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  • Crash reviewing Girl Band's EP and being horrified at how awful it is, even though he has admitted a few times that noise rock is a genre he probably shouldn't touch.
  • His quickie on Two Parts Viper by '68 contains a bit where he talks about Josh Scogin's vocals:
    Crash: He sounds like Julian Casablancas after three scotches and two oxysnote  doing a really shitty, condescending Kurt Cobain impression while in the midst of a painful herniated shit in an echoey Taco Bell bathroom!
  • Crash going off on Dan Reynolds in his Worst of 2017 video.
  • Pretty much the entirety of his review of Mania by Fall Out Boy.
    • By the end of the review, he's pleading with Fall Out Boy to break up, mentioning how all the members can go do something different and better. Except...
      Crash: Pete, um, uh...
      Crash: Please break up
  • Crash reviewing America by 30 Seconds to Mars by completely phoning it in. As in, "waking up from a nap on his couch to do the review, no theme music, no visual gags or dick jokes, and a trio of pointless cameos" phoning it in. And once the review is finished, he goes back to sleep.
    Crash: If Jared Leto didn't care, why should I?
  • The Worst of 2018 video has a few moments:
    • Crash referring to the year of 2018 as "I Lived, Bitch" throughout the video.
    • Lil' D.Va's rendition of "Believer".
    • When the video gets to the #1 slot, Crash brings up the fact that both America and Mania have yet to be mentioned, and explains why ultimately he had the two albums tied for the #1 worst slot.
      Crash: So what happened? Sudden change of heart? Did some eleventh hour Grinch Who Stole Christmas about face cause my heart to grow three sizes that day? Pfft... In this year? THIS year?! This year of our Lord; I Lived, Bitch?! HELL NO! FUCK BOTH OF YOU! SHARE IT! (exploding fart noises)
  • The first FIMI! video has several:
    • The Breaking Benjamin part consists of Crash speaking entirely in nonsense, before giving the album a similarly incomprehensible rating. (He later explained that his point was that the lead singer is difficult to understand and the album sounded like every other album they've done.)
    • The Deafheaven part has Crash saying 'I fell in love and it was brutal, and then I killed a doggie somehow because I am the edgiest of edgelords-' in a metal voice, before coughing, choking, and then Mood Whiplash-ing 'Yeah, Album of the Year candidate'.
    • His entire comment on High On Fire's Electric Messiah is "Yeah, Lemmy would've been proud."
    • Similarly, the part on Kero Kero Bonito's Time 'n' Place has him looking around to make sure nobody's watching, then grinning like a kid and saying 'This album... this album is kawaii.'
    • There's also the fact that 'FIMI' stands for 'Fuck, I Missed It'.
  • The "Top 10 Worst Pitchfork Reviews" video:
    • The various voices Crash makes when reading the more ridiculous reviews, including a Butt-Head impression for the Lateralus review.
    • Crash demonstrates his love for Tegan & Sara by raising his bat in honor of them in front of a rainbow flag with the caption "BATS UP FOR LESBIANS!".
      • He does a similar thing when discussing the site's negative review of Damien Rice's 9 (written by the same critic behind the Tegan & Sara review above, no less) by flipping a double bird directed at Pitchfork in front of an Irish flag with the Cluster F-Bomb chorus from "Rootless Tree" playing in the background.
      Crash: It's like this dude is coming after my senpais directly! Why you gotta come after my senpais, dawg? What the motherfuck did sweetie lesbians and sad Irish boys ever do to you?!
    • Pitchfork's infamous review of Shine On by Jet, which consists only of an embedded YouTube video of a monkey urinating in its own mouth, only gets a dishonorable mention. Why? Because "they're not... wrong."
    • Brent DiCrescenzo's review of Kid A somehow nets us this quote for the ages:
      Crash: "This Radiohead album is as good as a dead baby!"... certainly is a TAKE.
    • Crash's rendition of "Bonfire". And Mark's reaction to it.
      Mark: Ohhh... you did not have to do that.
      Crash: Fuck you, I'm having fun!
    • Mark from Spectrum Pulse's cameo ends with his jpeg floating up out of the screen followed by the caption "Note: Spectrum Pulse died on the way to his home planet".
    • Crash decides to get a rise out of Luke from Rocked Reviews by sending him the link to Pitchfork's review of The Mars Volta's Frances the Mute. Cue fanboy rage.
      Luke: Oh my GOSH! WHO WROTE THIS?!
      • In fact, a lot of Luke's angry ranting ends up being very funny.
      Luke: This guy is officially doing more drugs than Guns 'n' Roses and The Mars Volta combined, which is saying something considering that both bands really love their plants!
    • How does Crash get to number two with Pitchfork's equally loathed review of The Fragile? viralrak proceeds to beat the shit out of Crash and launch into his own tirade about the review and how Brent DiCrescenzo (the same reviewer who slammed the below mentioned Lateralus) spends most of the review being pretentious and then complaining about the way the damn album's packaging is designed. No really. And then Viralrak gets annihilated by Crash with his Saiyan powers.
    • Crash's summary of the infamous Lateralus review:
      Crash: Waah! I'm a thicky dumb-dumb! Waaaaah!!! Write "Hooker with a Penis" again!
    • Crash also emphasizes how comically-lengthy the Lateralus review in question is by scrolling past it really fast while a black midi rendition of "In The Hall of the Mountain King" blares in the background.
  • In How To Get Into Tool, Crash says that Salival contains one of the most important tracks in the history of the genre - a sequel to "A Message to Harry Manback". It's pretty much the same idea as the original song (beautiful music overlaid with an angry answering machine message), but it's the Garden Road guy on Crash's own answering machine.
    • Crash initially putting ALL of Tool's albums in the "Must Hears" category.
    • Crash confesses that the timing of this video (released three weeks before Fear Inoculum's street date) is rather suspect...
      Crash: Maybe I'm trying to make that money! Judge me; I don't care!
      • Then the video cuts to him laughing maniacally in a suit and sunglasses, with a cigar in one hand and a pimp cup in the other while money rains down from overhead and "Hooker with a Penis" blares in the background.
  • In his list of the Top 10 Worst Rock Hits of 1990, Crash does his damnedest to dance around the Unfortunate Implications of the song "Cherry Pie" by Warrant, namely the fact that it compares a vagina to the titular dessert. That is also "red, goopy and messy." And then...
    Cameron Esposito: Chunks of my body are being SMASHED out of my body BY MY BODY!
  • Crash imitatating Sully Erna's vocals in his I Hate This Song review of Godsmack's "Bad Religion".
    Crash: He sounds like Popeye with really bad constipation to me.

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