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Funny / The Rock Critic

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  • During the Raditude review, he is relieved to have gotten a good track out of the album in the form of "Love Is The Answer", and is intrigued to hear what comes next. Cue the title reveal that the next track is the second to be produced by Jermaine Dupri, followed by a close-up of Crash screaming and putting a gun to his head. Followed by another gun. Then a third hand holding another gun.
    SO WHY ISN'T THIS VERSION ON THE ALBUM?!?!?!?! RRRRRAAAAAGGGHHHH!!!!!! (stands up and violently overturns futon) This album is a five-course meal of DICK!!!
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  • His review of No Fixed Address. All of it.
  • Both the accidental and eventually intentional references to d'yucks in the review of A Moon-Shaped Pool.
  • In "Bad Album Covers Vol. 3", the first thing Crash does is drive Satanic Jackula insane by drawing parallels between him and the sophomore album cover of comedic NDH band Knorkator.
    • This line: "Why do people watch you, anyway!?" "DANK MEMES, BITCH!"
    • Just everything Crash does to mess with Satanic Jackula repeatedly until Count Jackula himself finally steps in to own Crash by using dark magic.
      • This is made ten times funnier when Crash goes Saiyan over Jack's attacks... only to be owned mid sentence by more anvils, all while Jack having a "not-giving-a-shit" expression while doing the devil horns gesture.
  • Crash's 2016 album of the year is briefly replaced by Lil' D.Va with a fictional album called Booty, and Crash rambles on about butts before suddenly realizing the switch.
  • His "I Hate This Song" review of "Hero" has a few choice moments of funny:
    • Crash's Skyward Scream of the two men responsible for this song: Nickelback frontman Chad Kroeger and former Saliva frontman Josey Scott, the last of which he gives a supersonic scream.
      Crash: Oh, my God! Oh, my FUCKING GOD, how did this happen?! How in the name of God, the devil, and George Carlin's ghost did we let something this unholy occur?!?!
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  • In his Into The Unknown review, he comments on how, dated as they may be, the synths haven't been too intrusive. And then, the next track, "Losing Generation," starts with a synth line that sounds almost exactly like the theme to Press Your Luck. Crash immediately falls over laughing and, while talking about the song, plays a Jazzercise video over it to accentuate its datedness.
  • In the first episode of the Green Day Retrospective, Crash admits that the reason he didn't bother with Green Day until Nimrod was because Rivers Cuomo mocked them in "El Scorcho". Cue Rivers's head showing up and:
    Crash:...You ruin everything, you know that?
    Rivers's head: Oh nooooo~
    [cue a laugh track and an end image of Crash about to shoot and stab River's head]
    • It makes a call back again in the review when Crash admits he started listening to Nimrod was when he told Rivers to fuck off. Cue the Rivers head showing up and saying "Oh Nooo~" and then getting shot by Crash. And he continues to shoot until he quietly says "Never again". And then realizes what he did.
  • During the review of Everything Will Be Alright in the End in the final part of The Rise and Fall of Weezer, Crash describes the shortened name for the album. How? A skit where he enters his bedroom and shouts "EWBAITE!" at Rivers Cuomo masturbating and then going "Ain't I a stinker?". Crash was not amused.
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  • Crash's review of One More Light. When a review starts with him shouting "Jesus Fucking Christ!" you know it's gonna be good.
    Crash: When you fail at trying to knock-off The mother-humping Chainsmokers, YOU OFFICIALLY FUCKING SUCK!
  • Crash reviewing Girl Band's EP and being horrified at how awful it is, even though he has admitted a few times that noise rock is a genre he probably shouldn't touch.
  • His quickie on Two Parts Viper by '68 contains a bit where he talks about Josh Scogin's vocals:
    Crash: He sounds like Julian Casablancas after three scotches and two oxysnote  doing a really shitty, condescending Kurt Cobain impression while in the midst of a painful herniated shit in an echoey Taco Bell bathroom!
  • Crash going off on Dan Reynolds in his Worst of 2017 video.
  • Pretty much the entirety of his review of Mania by Fall Out Boy.
    • By the end of the review, he's pleading with Fall Out Boy to break up, mentioning how all the members can go do something different and better. Except...
      Crash: Pete, um, uh...
      Crash: Please break up
  • Crash reviewing America by 30 Seconds to Mars by completely phoning it in. As in, "waking up from a nap on his couch to do the review, no theme music, no visual gags or dick jokes, and a trio of pointless cameos" phoning it in. And once the review is finished, he goes back to sleep.
    Crash: If Jared Leto didn't care, why should I?
  • The Worst of 2018 video has a few moments:
    • Crash referring to the year of 2018 as "I Lived, Bitch" throughout the video.
    • Lil' D.Va's rendition of "Believer".
    • When the video gets to the #1 slot, Crash brings up the fact that both America and Mania have yet to be mentioned, and explains why ultimately he had the two albums tied for the #1 worst slot.
      Crash: So what happened? Sudden change of heart? Did some eleventh hour Grinch Who Stole Christmas about face cause my heart to grow three sizes that day? Pfft... In this year? THIS year?! This year of our Lord; I Lived, Bitch?! HELL NO! FUCK BOTH OF YOU! SHARE IT! (exploding fart noises)
  • The first FIMI! video has several:
    • The Breaking Benjamin part consists of Crash speaking entirely in nonsense, before giving the album a similarly incomprehensible rating. (He later explained that his point was that the lead singer is difficult to understand and the album sounded like every other album they've done.)
    • The Deafheaven part has Crash saying 'I fell in love and it was brutal, and then I killed a doggie somehow because I am the edgiest of edgelords-' in a metal voice, before coughing, choking, and then Mood Whiplash-ing 'Yeah, Album of the Year candidate'.
    • His entire comment on High On Fire's Electric Messiah is "Yeah, Lemmy would've been proud."
    • Similarly, the part on Kero Kero Bonito's Time 'n' Place has him looking around to make sure nobody's watching, then grinning like a kid and saying 'This album... this album is kawaii.'
    • There's also the fact that 'FIMI' stands for 'Fuck, I Missed It'.
  • The "Top 10 Worst Pitchfork Reviews" video:
    • The various voices Crash makes when reading the more ridiculous reviews, including a Butt-Head impression for the Lateralus review.
    • Crash demonstrates his love for Tegan & Sara by raising his bat in honor of them in front of a rainbow flag with the caption "BATS UP FOR LESBIANS!".
      • He does a similar thing when discussing the site's negative review of Damien Rice's 9 (written by the same critic behind the Tegan & Sara review above, no less) by flipping a double bird directed at Pitchfork in front of an Irish flag with the Cluster F-Bomb chorus from "Rootless Tree" playing in the background.
      Crash: It's like this dude is coming after my senpais directly! Why you gotta come after my senpais, dawg? What the motherfuck did sweetie lesbians and sad Irish boys ever do to you?!
    • Pitchfork's infamous review of Shine On by Jet, which consists only of an embedded YouTube video of a monkey urinating in its own mouth, only gets a dishonorable mention. Why? Because "they're not... wrong."
    • Brent DiCrescenzo's review of Kid A somehow nets us this quote for the ages:
      Crash: "This Radiohead album is as good as a dead baby!"... certainly is a TAKE.
    • Crash's rendition of "Bonfire". And Mark's reaction to it.
      Mark: Ohhh... you did not have to do that.
      Crash: Fuck you, I'm having fun!
    • Mark from Spectrum Pulse's cameo ends with his jpeg floating up out of the screen followed by the caption "Note: Spectrum Pulse died on the way to his home planet".
    • Crash decides to get a rise out of Luke from Rocked Reviews by sending him the link to Pitchfork's review of The Mars Volta's Frances the Mute. Cue fanboy rage.
      Luke: Oh my GOSH! WHO WROTE THIS?!
      • In fact, a lot of Luke's angry ranting ends up being very funny.
      Luke: This guy is officially doing more drugs than Guns 'n' Roses and The Mars Volta combined, which is saying something considering that both bands really love their plants!
    • How does Crash get to number two with Pitchfork's equally loathed review of The Fragile? viralrak proceeds to beat the shit out of Crash and launch into his own tirade about the review and how Brent DiCrescenzo (the same reviewer who slammed the below mentioned Lateralus) spends most of the review being pretentious and then complaining about the way the damn album's packaging is designed. No really. And then Viralrak gets annihilated by Crash with his Saiyan powers.
    • Crash's summary of the infamous Lateralus review:
      Crash: Waah! I'm a thicky dumb-dumb! Waaaaah!!! Write "Hooker with a Penis" again!
    • Crash also emphasizes how comically-lengthy the Lateralus review in question is by scrolling past it really fast while a black midi rendition of "In The Hall of the Mountain King" blares in the background.
  • In How To Get Into tool, Crash says that Salival contains one of the most important tracks in the history of the genre - a sequel to "A Message to Harry Manback". It's pretty much the same idea as the original song (beautiful music overlaid with an angry answering machine message), but it's Gordon Rhode on Crash's own answering machine.
    • Crash initially putting ALL of Tool's albums in the "Must Hears" category.
    • Crash confesses that the timing of this video (released three weeks before Fear Inoculum's street date) is rather suspect...
      Crash: Maybe I'm trying to make that money! Judge me; I don't care!
      • Then the video cuts to him laughing maniacally in a suit and sunglasses, with a cigar in one hand and a pimp cup in the other while money rains down from overhead and "Hooker with a Penis" blares in the background.
  • In his list of the Top 10 Worst Rock Hits of 1990, Crash does his damnedest to dance around the Unfortunate Implications of the song "Cherry Pie" by Warrant, namely the fact that it compares a vagina to the titular dessert. That is also "red, goopy and messy." And then...
    Cameron Esposito: Chunks of my body are being SMASHED out of my body BY MY BODY!
  • Crash imitatating Sully Erna's vocals in his I Hate This Song review of Godsmack's "Bad Religion".
    Crash: He sounds like Popeye with really bad constipation to me.
  • During How To Get Into Dark Souls, Crash sums up the Lumenwood in Bloodborne as, "Why am I broccoli?"
    • Crash's first tip for the original Dark Souls: "You see an onion, you help that onion."
    • On the Whirligig Saw:
      Crash: Yeah, we could give you a sword... or we could give you a PIZZA CUTTER FROM HELL! Take THAT, H.P. Lovecraft!
    • Crash backtracking in Dark Souls III because:
      Crash: Ahhh shit, I forgot to let the pyromancer out of his cage, shiiit! (resigned sigh) You wanna go for walkies?
    • Crash praises the Majula hub area of Dark Souls II as being "Like Wal-Mart, only slightly less depressing."
    • On Sekiro: "In this game, you have a choice between using a katana and... fuck you, here's your katana.
  • Crash spends the whole of his video on "The Bad Touch" in a monkey suit.
    Crash: No, I'm not taking the suit off for this video, get used to it.
    • Crossing over as an Awesome moment, Crash has a moment of Fridge Brilliance when talking about "The Ballad of Chasey Lain":
    Crash: It's structured like a fan writing letters to his favourite pornstar, but know...when she doesn't respond, his letters get angrier and angrier and more indignant (I'll remind you, Chasey Lain is a real person, and they did not ask for her consent to write this track, just...layin' that little tidbit out for ya). The dude just keeps getting angrier and more resentful with each passing rejection. He gets more insane and...he just goes crazier and crazier- OH MY GOD, IT'S "STAN"! I'm not kidding! This is "Stan"! This is exactly "Stan"! It's the same premise, the same build-up, almost the same payoff - this is "Stan"! This is just straight-up "Stan"! (beat) And this came out a year before The Marshall Mathers LP! And we know for a fact that Eminem was listening to the Bloodhound Gang when he was recording that record!
    Eminem: We ain't nothing but mammals.
    Crash: (stunned pause) Did the Bloodhound Gang inspire Eminem to write "Stan"?! (head explodes)
  • On his 2020 Quarter 3 FIMI, his reaction to Will Woods' The Normal Album is a bewildered look and a very confused "Huh?", which is also its rating out of five. The segment only lasts around 11 seconds, but it's priceless.
    • In the same FIMI episode, Crash talks about his disappointment in The Strokes' The New Abnormal and the main thing he hated most about it was Julian Casablancas' falsetto, describing it as sounding like "Doug Walker doing an Alvin and the Chipmunks impression while his nuts are being stepped on."
  • How to Get Into Van Halen
    • On "Beautiful Girls" and its use in the "Schmitts Gay" SNL skit:
      Crash: (holding up a pride flag and wrapping himself in it) Mmm, this song BELONGS to the gays, it's ours now, thank you very much Saturday Night Live... it's ours, we own this track... we'll let you borrow it if you're NICE.
    • Crash get so worked up talking about "Unchained" that it prompts Luke to pop in and try to talk him down. This ends poorly for Luke:
      Luke: Come on, Crash, gimme a break.
      Crash: He-he-hey! (preparing to smash Luke with a guitar) One break, coooming uuuuup!
      Luke: No... no no no NO NO-
      (SMASH! Crash is now standing in place with empty hands, Luke is bandaged and holding an ice pack to his forehead.)
      Crash: (apologetic) I'm sorry, I got lost in the moment."
      Luke: (mocking) Oh, I'm sorry! (gibberish)
  • In his "I LOVE THIS SONG" episode on "WAP" by Cardi B & Megan Thee Stallion, when Crash talks about the criticism of the repeated sample of "There's some whores in this house!" on the beat that it sounds like a pastor scolding Cardi and Megan for their supposed sinning, he argues that it sounds more like "a celebration of wet-ass pussy."
    Crash: (as a pastor) God said to make them scream! Can you scream for the Lord? (churchgoers scream) And then God said to cream! Can I get some cream from the God's children? (churchgoers scream) Do God's children have cream in them?! Do we make it drop for our wet-ass pussy? Does it come from the top, this wet-ass pussy? (churchgoers scream louder) Can I get a "WAP WAP?"
    • Crash's utter bafflement in response to Pitchfork naming "WAP" as its song of the year for 2020. To the point where he tells the site to go to Horny Jail.
  • In the "BEST ALBUMS OF 2020" video, before revealing his #1 pick, Crash pulls a Bait-and-Switch by initially making it "WAP" by Cardi B & Megan Thee Stallion to upset internet trolls, then brings back Pastor Crash from the "I LOVE THIS SONG" video and giving on another innuendo-filled sermon before revealing the actual #1 spot to be Brave Faces Everyone by Spanish Love Songs (which was the unanimous #1 pick for the entire Rock Coliseum).
    Crash: It's not WAP, I promise, I'm kidding! This is a joke, I'm just playing with you, people! Look, I'll be real here with you, I just wanted to throw this up here just so I can watch the fuckboys cry. We're doing a live premiere and I just wanted to see the comments. I just wanted to see, like, (points to chat replay) oh my god, like this guy, oh, oh, look at this little piss baby, oh, come on, man, and this dude, ah, come on, look, with your 'WAAA CAN'T BELIEVE CRASH WOULD—' yes, I would! Oh, look at this guy! Oh my god, oh, you need Jesus! You need Jesus with that dumb fuckboy shit, you need the gospel! You need the gospel, you need a bit of the...
    Pastor Crash: From that sweet, glorious, musty, great, good gospel of that wet-ass pussy! (churchgoers cheer) Do God's children have a wet-ass pussy this evening? Can I get a 'WAP WAP'? Can I get a 'WAP WAP' from God's WAP-y children? You wretched fuckboy sinners need to take a page out of the good book! From Meatflaps 3:16, the good Lord did say unto God's people, "(motorboating noises) spell the alphabet!" Can I get a 'WAP WAP'? (applause) Can I get a 'WAP WAP'? Can I get one more 'WAP WAP' to close out 2020, good people? A-fucking-men and a WAP fucking WAP!
    Crash: Yeah, number one is Spanish Love Songs.
  • In his "I Love This Song" video on "Poker Face" by Lady Gaga, he explains that the song is dumb but in the best possible way, in that club songs are supposed to be dumb because it just gets you excited:
    Crash: I know how that sounds, and you know, me being all Mr. "Critic Man," I'm not supposed to say, "dumb music good actually," but I mean, you know, when I'm on the dance floor with some cute piece of action pressing their ass directly against my crotch, the last thing I wanna fuckin' hear is...
    Thom Yorke: Existentialism, (random mumbling)
    Crash: (drunkenly) Oh my God, shut the fuck up, Thom Yorke! I'm not trying to hear it, man, fuck off! (breaking character) God, I need the pandemic to end so badly.
    • Also, in the same video, crossing over into an Awesome moment, he points out that in the chorus, there is a moment of Fridge Brilliance in the chorus that if you listen really closely, the lyrics to the chorus actually are saying, "po-po-po-poker face, fu-fu-fuck her face," not even in a subtle manner, that somehow managed to get played ad nauseam on mainstream radio stations completely uncensored. Immediately after, Crash himself has a moment of Fridge Brilliance where he just now, as he is filming the video, understands that "poker face" in itself is a wordplay on "poke her face." As in, a blowjob.

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