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Funny / The Professional

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  • Stansfield pausing in the middle of killing Matilda's family to discuss classical music with the father.
    Stansfield: We said noon — I've got one minute past. (a long silence) You don't like Beethoven. You don't know what you're missing: overtures like that get my... juices flowing. So powerful. But after his openings, to be honest, he does tend to get a little fucking boring. (he laughs) That's why I stopped!
    (he sighs and turns to the thugs behind him)
    Stansfield: Toss the apartment.
    (as they start ransacking the place, Stansfield continues)
    Stansfield: You're a Mozart fan — I love him too. I looooove Mozart! (in a very bad German accent) He vos Austrian you know? (in ordinary voice) But for this kind of work.... (he mimes playing the piano on the mantlepiece) he's a little light. So I tend to go for the heavier guys. Check out Brahms — he's good too.
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  • "...Okay, pilgrem!"
  • Leon teaching Matilda how to snipe in Central Park. Leon tells her to pick anyone, except for children or women. The ONE person Matila chooses turns out to be a politician doing a publicity stunt, and the bullet she uses is from a paintball gun. The target turns out to be all right, just that he's uncomfortable from a bunch of bodyguards dogpiling him to form a meat shield.
  • For a regular comedy moment: Mathilda just fired six shots at random. Cut to Léon and Mathilda walking down the street, carrying their belongings.
    Léon: Mathilda, don't you ever do that again or I'll break your head. You got that?
    Mathilda: Okay.
    Léon: I don't work like that. It's not professional. There is rules!
    Mathilda: Okay.
    Léon: And stop saying "okay" all the time! Okay!?
    Mathilda: Okay.
    Léon: Good.
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  • The scene in the unedited version where Léon gives Mathilda a target practice lesson... in the middle of a drug dealer hit. You can hear the guy murmur "What the fuck is this?" in disbelief a couple of times until Léon puts him down for good.
  • Léon showing Tony his new apprentice.
    Tony: Isn't there supposed to be an age limit?
  • Stansfield's reaction to being shot in the shoulder has less to do with being wounded and more to do with being pissed his suit's ruined. He also wanders absent-mindedly around the apartment following the raid, including into the path of his goons' weapons and has to be led out by Malky, his second-in-command.
    • Immediately following this scene, Malky puts Stanfield in the hallway while trying to calm him down. An inquisitive old woman peeks out of her apartment to find out what all the noise is about.
    Old Lady: What's happening out here?
    Malky: It's alright, ma'am, go back inside. DEA. Police.
    Old Lady: Why don't you leave that poor family alone?
    Malky: (to Stansfield) Everything's alright, just calm down. (Goes back inside the apartment).
    Stansfield: (while reloading gun) I am calm! I'm calm.
    Old Lady: Why don't you leave them alone?
    Stansfield: *raises his gun and shoots out the pane of glass right next to her* He SAID, 'Go back inside'!
    Malky: (returns and quickly begins dragging Stanfield back into the apartment he'd just led him out of) Stan, I think it's better if we go inside now, alright?
  • A bit of Cringe Comedy, but it's pretty funny watching Mathilda troll the hotel owner by telling him Léon isn't her father, he's her lover. The guy's Reaction Shot is priceless.
  • "Hey, I said take the guy out, not the whole fucking building!!!"
  • Tony ensuring Léon his money is safer with him than in a bank, because banks get knocked off and no one knocks off Old Tony... and at the bank there's tons of forms that need to be filled out. The latter is justified as well, since Léon can neither read nor write.


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