"My blanket! My blue blanket! Give me back my blue blanket! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!"
"I'm hysterical!" [splash] "I'm wet! I'M WET! and I'm still hysterical and I'm WET!" [SMACK!] "I'm in pain. I'm in pain, I'm wet... AND I'M STILL HYSTERICAL!"
The "Hysterical" scene is truly hilarious, but the 2005 remake earns extra points for adding the line "Who's my little accountant? Who's my little accountant? You are! Yes, you are! You're my little accountant!" And Max's "please, you're making me hysterical" face and exclaiming in a high-pitched voice, "Alright, alright! What can I do?! You're gettin' me hysterical!" before that.
"You're gonna jump on me! You're gonna jump on me and squash me like a bug!!!" In the original movie, Leo worries, "I know you're gonna jump on me, like Nero jumped on Poppaea!" Cue an explanation to Max on who exactly Poppaea was and why Nero jumped on her. Then Max screams "I'm NOT GOING TO JUMP ON YOU!" while jumping up and down. Cue Leo getting even worse.
Max (giving the vendor a dollar): Of course, here you are, my good man!
Vendor: I'm not your good man. I happen to own this establishment.
The Hitler ad calls for actors with no experience. Cut to a chaotic cluttered mess of auditionees in small mustaches, screaming "heil Hitler." There's even a random swimsuit model showing off his body.
"Will the dancing Hitlers please wait in the wings! We're only seeing SINGING Hitlers!" (Dancing Hitler potentials groan disappointedly, walking offstage. Two Hitlers skip and twirl offstage.)
The auditioner in the cowboy outfit coming near the end of his song, only to be rejected by Roger. He almost walks off stage, but instead sings the last two notes of his song, and gives his audience the finger.
Roger not letting one guy get out a single word of "The Little Wooden Boy."
Followed immediately by the wonderful "Love Power" number with Dick Shawn as a deranged hippie. "THAT'S OUR HITLER!"
"And what have you done, LSD?" "Six months, but I'm on probation, man!"
Roger staring with absolute horror at LSD's audition. His secretary/boyfriend, Carmen Ghia, on the other hand, seems quite taken with LSD's pelvic thrusts.
"Darling, I lieb you, I lieb you. Now, lieb me alone."
The actor playing Goering trying desperately to stay in character and not look nervous when LSD starts going off book.
Liebkind attacking Bialystock and Bloom, who frantically dive for cover beneath the desk. If you listen closely before they dive beneath the desk, you can hear Bloom scream in a high-pitched voice.
One of the little old ladies Max woos gets distracted by a violin player, and Max resorts to pouring champagne down his pants to get him to stop.
Liebkind going bananas over Winston Churchill's humorous pronunciation of the word Nazis
Noses, Noses... it wasn't Noses, it was Nazis!
That whole rant is glorious.
'CHURCHILL!' With his cigars, and his brandy! And his ROTTEN painting, ROTTEN! Hitler, THERE was a painter. He could paint a WHOLE apartment in one afternoon, TWO COATS!!
"You are the audience! I am the author! I outrank you!"
Leibkind knocking out the stagehand. "You vill please be unconscious." Whap!
"Bloom, I'm drowning. Other men sail through life, Bialystock has struck a reef. Bloom, I'm going under. I'm condemned by a society that demands success when all I can offer is failure. Bloom, I'm reaching out to you. Don't send me to prison... HEEELLP!"
"You're an accountant, you're in a noble profession. The word 'count' is part of your title!"
Mel Brooks' account of how Dustin Hoffman informed him that he'd be doing The Graduate instead, coming to Brooks' apartment late at night and throwing pebbles at the window. His response: "You mean to tell me you're abandoning me to hang out in Hollywood for a month and make love to the love of my life? Good choice."
"If you shoot [the dynamite], it will get mad and blow us all up!"
Shortly before that: "Next time we produce a play, no author!"
Jon Lovitz's Large Ham performance as the hard-ass CPA that Leo Bloom tells off.
CPA: Bloom! Where the hell have you been? You are six minutes late. This is an accounting firm, not a country club. You can't come and go as you please! Bloom: Yes, Mr. Marks. CPA: Remember, you're a nobody. A PA. A public accountant. And I am a CPA: A certified public accountant, a rank a miserable little worm like yourself could never hope to achieve. Bloom: Yes, Mr. Marks. Thank you for speaking to me. CPA: You're welcome. (to everyone else) What are you all gawking at? You never saw a person humiliated before? Now get back to work, all of you!
And later: "Do I smell the revolting stench of self-esteem?!"
One of Franz's pigeons gives the "Heil Hitler" salute!
In a deleted scene, Franz sings "Der Guten Tag Hop Clop" Reprise and all the pigeons go "Heil Hitler"!
The Siegfried Oath. Accompanied by Wagner in the background!
Franz Liebkind: [making Max and Leo take the Siegfried Oath] All right. First you will raise your right forefingers, und repeat after me. (they do) Franz Liebkind:I solemnly svear... Leo Bloom, Max Bialystock: (holding up their forefingers) I solemnly svear... Franz Liebkind: To obey ze Zacred Siegfried Oas... Leo Bloom, Max Bialystock: To obey ze Zacred Siegfried Oas... Franz Liebkind: Und! Max Bialystock: (switching to his Middle Finger) Und! Leo Bloom: (switching to his Middle Finger) Und! (Franz turns around to look at them; Max and Leo switch back to their forefingers) (satisfied that everything is okay, Franz looks ahead; Max and Leo promptly switch to their middle fingers again) Franz Liebkind: (wagging his finger) Never, never, never! Leo Bloom, Max Bialystock:(flipping Franz off) Never, never, never! Franz Liebkind: Dishonor ze spirit und ze memory of Adolf Elizabeth Hitler. Leo Bloom, Max Bialystock: Dishonor the spirit und ze... Elizabeth? Franz Liebkind: Jah. Dat vas his middle name. Not many people know zis, but der Fuhrer vas descended from a long line of English qveens. [long pause] Max Bialystock: Is that right? Leo Bloom, Max Bialystock: (shrugging) Adolf ELIZABETH Hitler.
Roger DeBris [signing the contract]: "Roger ELIZABETH DeBris!"
Carmen Ghia: (answering the phone with a smile) Hello, the living room of renowned theatrical director Roger De Bris' elegant Upper East Side townhouse on a sunny Tuesday afternoon in June. Whom may I say is calling? (Beat as his face immediately becomes serious) Listen, you broken down old queen. He was drunk, he was hot, you got lucky! Don't ever call here again! (slams the phone down)
Roger De Bris: Who was that?
Carmen Ghia: Wrong number!
Even funnier is Carmen's answer to the person calling is taken verbatim from the show's script.
Max and Leo come in still wearing the swastika armbands they were forced to put on in order to butter up Franz, having forgotten they're wearing them. Carmen is clearly not impressed, and asks snidely, "May I take your hat, your coat and your swastikas?" Cue the looks of absolute horror as the pair tear the armbands off and, in some productions, spit on them.
Max telling Leo that Roger "couldn't direct you to the bathroom."
"And now I'll be on me way, before me voice gets any higher!"
Most of the hilarity comes from Nathan Lane corpsing with that teakettle laugh of his, but there are some good lines too.
Old Lady: Give it to me... Oh, I've forgotten what you are. Well Hung. Sorry.
Nathan Lane: (deadpan) Please, start that rumor.
The "back in the closet" bit where they get Gary Beach and Roger Bart to run back out and do it again... and again... and again...
Broderick: Give me those fat books, you fat walrus!
Lane: Bite me! (Matthew cracks up) Never!
Lane kissing the Butch Lesbian lighting designer and getting punched out.
Lane addressing the line "This man should be in a straightjacket" directly to the camera, as Mostel did in the original film, before realizing that's not how this version goes.
Will Ferrell goofing around with the pigeon animatronic puppets.
Nathan says the line "Smile and the world smiles with you. This man should be in a straightjacket" while he's sitting at his desk. He realizes this as he's saying the line, then pinches his brow and moans, "I'm doing the wrong fucking thing..."
Max: Give it to me! Leo: No! Max: Give it to me! Leo: No! Roger: Now that's what I call celebrating!
"You made a fool of Hitler!" "He didn't need our help!" What really sells it is the way Roger and Carmen give each other this look of absolute glee before saying it, thrilled by being set up for such a perfect punchline.
Max summing up the entire show thus far in the middle of "Betrayed":
Step two, hire the director. Keep it gay, keep it gay, keep it two three kick turn turn turn kick turn. Ulla. Ooh-wah-wah-wah-wah-wah-wah. Step three, raise the money. Along came Bialy. Intermission! [sits down in silence for several beats]
Some performances will have Max doing some kind of business during the "Intermission" part: he'll flip through the program and note, "Oh, he's good. He's no Nathan, but he's good," or he'll start munching on candy. Other times it'll be something more regional.
In one showing, it was in a college town and the theater was rather empty due to a pivotal football game on the same day. During the "intermission," Max turned to the audience and said, "In case any of you were wondering, the score is 19 to 22."
"He's having a stroke." "What?!" "OF GENIUS!"
"I only followed orders! I had nothing to do with the war! I didn't even know there was a war on! We lived at the back, near Switzerland. All we heard was yodeling... yodel le he hoo! Hoo hoo hoo hoo hoo, Yodelay, Yodelay, Yodelay!''
Bloom: Please, Mr. Liebkind! (whispers) People can hear you!
Liebkind(freezes in horror, begins singing awkwardly): YAAAAAAN...ky Doodle DAAAAAAAANNNNNNNNDY...!
That moment at the start of "When You Got It, Flaunt It" where Max almost realizes that he's the "crazy man" Ulla was talking about, and tries to ask Leo about it.
Max has a flashback in jail, but he quickly realizes something...
Max: Wait a minute... my name's not Alvin. That's not my life. Someone else's life is flashing before my eyes! What the hell is that about?! I'm not a hillbilly - I grew up in the Bronx!
In the 2005 remake, there's a brief shot of Nathan Lane playing Alvin's mother, meaning this is the thirdmovie where he dresses in drag (and only the second where he doesn't do the hula).
Remember when Ulla dance?
ULLA DANCE AGAIN!
Max: I want you to know, my dear, that even though we are sitting down, we are giving you a standing ovation.
"I can't do it, I can't do it, I can't do it, that's not me! I'm a loser! I'm a coward! I'm a chicken, can't you see?! ... I can't do it! I can't do it! You see Rio, I see jail! I cannot, cannot, cannot, 'cause I know it's going to fail!"
Max's reaction to Leo wondering what this volcano-esque feeling inside him is after seeing Ulla dance:
"It's called an erection. Well, it's either that or malaria. Don't worry, they've got pills for everything these days."
Donald Dinsmore auditions for Hitler by singing "The Little Wooden Boy". But he's not able to get to the song because the directors shout "NEXT!" after only a few bars. The startled reaction on Dinsmore is just perfect.
Jason Green auditions:
Roger: Well Jason, what have you been up to lately? Jason: For the last sixteen years, I've been touring with "No No Nietzsche". Roger: You played "Nietzsche"? Jason: No no.
Max's delivery of the line "You keep saying that, but you don't say how" in a way that sounds flirtatious after Leo tells him it is possible when he poses his "academic accounting theory" and Max tells him to go on.
During "That Face", when Leo and Ulla are behind the sofa, they wave out their legs, then pop up their heads a couple times, then Hold-Me-Touch-Me pops her head up. Cue the audience dissolving into laughter.
"Now Ulla belt." Words cannot describe how funny it is when the breathy sex kitten character suddenly starts making like Ethel Merman.
"Leo, why you go so far downstage right?"
"Gimme those books!" "Fat fat fatty!" "Gimme those books!" "Fat fat fatty!" "Books!" "Fat!" "Books!" "Fat! "Books!" "Fat!"
'Hold Me Touch Me' propositioning Max while he's on trial.
Max: I'm a little busy...
When he's going down the line of little old ladies and taking checks at the end of "Along Came Bialy", he takes a piece of paper from a young woman in a similar outfit with a cheerful "Thank you!"
Also, the choreography of the old ladies shuffling their walkers in unison.
And one of the lyrics in the song:
Max: They're my angels, I'm their devil, / And I keep those embers aglow / When I woos 'em, I can't lose 'em, / 'Cause I cast my spell and they start yellin', "Fire down below!"