- Piers, after he and Alan are sentenced to a Siberian gulag for ninety-nine years: "Lucky our lawyer bargained our plea down to second-degree murder, or they really would have thrown the book at us!"
- Alan, after learning that Piers's blabbing has caused his latest scheme to collapse in smoking rubble:
- Alan has been given a cigar which, unbeknownst to him, contains a drug, right before he has to make a speech about healthcare reform. He immediately starts saying that their current system is too kind to people who can't afford good healthcare, and goes on to say (with the exasperated air of explaining something blindingly obvious to a child), "You see, in the good old days...You were poor...You got ill...And you died." The really funny thing is that while his delivery may have been affected by the drug, the actual content of the speech isn't all that different from what he'd normally say.
Funny / The New Statesman