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Funny / The Mighty Ducks

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     D 1 
  • The sheer joy of the judge and D.A. Gordon humiliated earlier when he comes to court on DUI charges.
    Judge Weathers: To think I almost stayed home this morning.
  • The kids mistaking Gordon for a drug dealer when they first meet him.
    Jesse: Yo, dude. You obviously in the wrong 'hood! This is my domain. It is a drug-free zone, you understand? We ain't buying nothing! Now I'm feeling generous today, so I'm gonna let you get your sorry vanilla booty outta here before we be using your eyeballs as hockey pucks!
    (all the kids laugh)
  • Goldberg misses the point of being a goalie.
    Goldberg: That puck almost hit me!
    Charlie: Goldberg, you're the goalie. It's SUPPOSED to hit you!
    Goldberg: Doesn't that sound stupid to anyone else!?
  • Gordon's first practice with the team:
    Averman: Just so you know, we really suck.
    Gordon: Hey, I'll decide who sucks around here.
    (cut to all the kids tripping over each other during the face off)
    Gordon: (shaking his head) They really suck.
  • After the initial scrimmage, the kids ask Gordon what they should do next:
    Gordon: What did your old coach have you do?
    Charlie: He just yelled a lot.
    Peter: Yeah. That's how he hurt his arm.
    Gordon: His arm?
    Peter: Yeah. One minute he's yelling at us: (imitates the old coach) "You little bastards, where'd you learn to play?! Oh, you suck, you! Skate, you little bast-" (gasps for air and clutches his arm before falling backwards)
    Gordon: (understanding) Heart attack. Great.
  • During their first disastrous game, Gordon takes some aspirins as his team was getting their asses handed to them by the Hawks.
  • Gordon persuading his boss to sponsor the team:
    "Come on! We'll get you your own jersey!"
    * Ducksworth suddenly looks up*
  • After Gordon pursuades Tommy and Tammy to join their practice:
    Tammy: Mom isn't gonna like this at all!
    Tommy: So what? You want me to figure skate, then you gotta play hockey!
    Tammy: What do I know about a hockey? [shoves Tommy flat on his back]
    Tommy: ... more than you think.
  • The team protests being called "The Ducks:"
    Guy Germaine: They don't even have teeth!
  • This gem when Karp takes a puck to the head during a game and collapses:
    Bombay: Karp, how many fingers am I holding up?
    Peter: He wouldn't know that anyway.
    Bombay: Shut up, Peter!
  • Bombay's training program for Goldberg in how to be a proper goalie. He literally ties him to the goalie net and instructs the other players to shoot a barrage of pucks at him.
    Goldberg: Nice drill, coach. Really, very cute. But, when are you going to work with me and goal?
    Bombay: ..... Goldberg, do you trust me?
    Goldberg: (Gilligan Cut to Goldberg being tied to the goalie net) My mother would not approve of this, coach! She'd like me to live for my bar mitzvah!
    Bombay: This IS your bar mitzvah, Goldberg! Today, you'll become a man! (skates to the other players with piles of pucks.)
    Goldberg: Coach! I think you got the ceremonies mixed up! It's more like a circumcision. Coach, will you come back here? What did I ever do to you, man!?
    Goldberg: Hey guys! Excuse me, guys, you gotta untie me now! Ha ha! Good joke! Very funny! ... I like it....... No joke! Come on, guys! (tries to skate forward while the goalie net was tied to him) Hey coach! Coach! Come on! Don't leave me hanging like this! Coach! Don't make me come after you, coach!
  • Bombay's training Fulton in how to skate. He and the team rollerblade through a mall. Fulton nearly panics when trying to skate without falling. He winds up rolling down a flight of stairs (miraculously not falling) and accidentally bumps an old woman into a fountain, which he hastely apologizes for.
  • Quite an unintentional one that borders on Fridge Logic, but at one point, Bombay's former coach, who serves as his antagonist of sorts in the first film, berates him for pulling a fast one on him, ending it with telling him that he wasn't even a has-been; he was a never-was. Words that mean a lot coming from someone who's been coaching Pee-Wee for 30 years and aimed at a high-powered attorney.
    • Well, check out the dramatic newspaper headlines about the hockey matches. Pee-Wee is Serious Business in this setting.
    • To be fair, it's not like coaching Pee-Wee hockey was his full time job. Who knows what Gordon's former coach could have been doing in his day-to-day life.
  • "Yes sir, Mr. Ducksworth! Thank you very much, Mr. Ducksworth! QUACK QUACK QUACK QUACK QUACK, MR. DUCKSWORTH!"
  • And speaking of quacking, one of the most unusual examples of Writing Lines when Bombay heads to the school to pick up his team.
    Principal: (looks at list of names) ... They're in room 223.
    Bombay: ....... All of them?
    Principal: All of them.
    (Answer Cut to the whole team writing on the chalkboards)
    Everyone: "I will not quack at the principal."
    • As he explains that when he said the kids were "losers" to Reilly, he wasn't actually serious.
    Gordon: I was being sarcastic, Karp. You know what that means?
    Gordon: Okay, then you do.
  • After a Duck goal, McGill skates by and knocks over Tammy Duncan, which Fulton doesn't like:
    Fulton: I'm on, Coach. (gets off the bench and goes over to McGill)
    Announcer: (describing what's happening) ...He grabs McGill from behind...and throws him over the boards into the bench! Now he wants to pick a fight with the entire Hawks team. Fulton Reed has to be restrained by the referee.
    Referee: Game misconduct. You're out of here, son. (escorts him off the ice past the Ducks bench)
    Fulton: I'm off, Coach.
    Gordon: He barely touched him!

     D 2 
  • Gordon getting used to sharpening skates. The first time, he wasn't holding it steady enough and gets sent flying off to the side.
  • In the beginning when Charlie was rounding up his teammates, some former Hawks players, still sore about losing to them, attempts to pull a revenge prank on them. Unfortunately for them, Fulton thwarts their plan. He pounds the three Hawk players before stripping them to their boxers and tying them to a tree.
  • An awkward conversation when the new players are introduced.
    Connie: (about Luis) He's a good-looking skater!
    Averman: Very good-looking! What do you think, Guy?
    Guy: Shut up, Averman! (knocks Averman down)
  • Gordon sees his old team is a bit out of practice when he has them play against the new recruits.
    Gordon: Haven't you guys been practicing during the off-season?
    Averman: You know, I knew we forgot something!
  • Mr. Tibbles getting accidentally beaned in the head by a ricocheting puck from Fulton.
    Mr. Tibbles: Half of them are ringers from various parts of the U.S. And the rest of them are—
    Ms. McKay: (sees incoming puck) Duck!! (ducks for cover)
    Mr. Tibbles: That's right, the Ducks. (looks up and sees the puck before it clocks him in the head)
    • Followed by his Waking Non Sequitur.
      Tibbles: I-I'll have a cheeseburger, fries, and a chocolate shake, please.
    • No mention of when Fulton is setting up his shot?
      Gordon: Look out!
      The Ducks see Fulton about to shoot and immediately move away.
      Dean: (Confused) What a bunch of wusses!
      Fulton takes his shot leaving Dean with his jaw dropped.
  • Gordon making Mr. Tibbles hand over his whistle.
    Gordon: You can have it back at the end of the school term.
  • The scene where Goldberg, Ken, and Luis prank Dwayne where they make him unconsciously smear his entire face with whipped cream.
  • Russ Tyler heckling the Ducks is amazing.
    "Hey, Goldberg! I bet if that puck was a CHEESEBURGER, you'd stop it! Ha ha ha!"
  • Luis Mendoza's inability to stop once he gets into a fast run, resulting in painful crashes. To remedy this problem, Luis is instructed to skate towards a stack of soda cans and stop before knocking them over. He fails. Again. And again. And again.
    • He finally does stop during a game, and is so shocked Gordon has to yell at him to take the shot.
  • During the first game against Iceland, Portman gets ejected early on and spends the rest of it raging in the locker room and breaking stuff.
    • Then when Julie also gets ejected she goes to the locker room to see Portman angeily banging his fists against the table. Then this exchange happens:
      Portman: Hi.
      Julie: I know how you feel.
  • Dwayne saving Connie from getting heavily body-checked by an Iceland player, by getting on the ice and lassoing him like a bull. He also gets sent to the penalty box for it.
    Announcer: What are they gonna call this penalty? Two minutes for roping? That's a new one on me!
  • The Rousing Speech by Bombay gets awkward near the end.
    Bombay: And just when you think they're about to break apart...
    Everyone: Ducks fly together!
    Mckay: And when the wind blows hard and the sky is black?
    Everyone: Ducks fly together!
    Dwayne: And when the roosters are crowing and the cows are spinnin' circles in the pasture?
    Everyone: ....................
    Everyone: Ducks fly together!
  • After getting his shot actually stopped by the Iceland goalie, Fulton settles the score in the shoot-out. The goalie was actually shaking when Fulton prepares for his slapshot, nailing him in the face hard enough to knock him on his back before the puck bounced off his head into the goal.

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