- Paul Merton's characters often go on "logical" rants that are hilarious.
Robert Masterson: I'm a gambler don't you understand, everything is a gamble to me, life is a gamble! That seagull over there? I mean to bet that that seagull will reach land before we do.
- From Scurvy!, where Robert Masterson (Paul Merton) explains to Comely Catherine (Josie Lawrence) why he's leaving England:
Comely Catherine: But how will we know if he does or not, sir? You see, you can't gamble on fate, you can't gamble on the future!
Robert Masterson: ...Well, you can't gamble on the past, can ya? What do you mean, I can't gamble on the future?! That's horse racing knocked on the 'ead then, isn't it! Alright, I go to the bookmakers, and say "I'd like to put a hundred pounds bet on the 1943 Derby"! Or, no, I could gamble on the present, couldn't I! "I want to bet a hundred pounds that Ive just walked in this shop."
Lucinda: But Reverend, we must have a plan! We must destroy them! We must make sure the circus never leaves Ampleforth!
- From The Mastersons' Magical Marquee, where the villains of the episode, Reverend Ashdown (Paul Merton) and Lucinda Scott-Moncrieff (Lee Simpson), are plotting to get rid of the traveling circus:
Ashdown: Never leaves?
Lucinda: Yes! (hurriedly) I mean, destroy it, rather than keep it here all the time.
Ashdown: Well, there's, there's two opposing ambitions there. I mean, if you want them to stay, I mean, I suppose we could have a whip-round and pay them the money to stay...
Lucinda: But you don't understand —
Ashdown: ...but that wouldn't get rid of the circus, you see; if the circus stays here, we're more or less stuck with it. I think we should get rid of it rather than have it stay here. ...Well, we could have half of it go and the other half stay here, and then it could swap after six months. What do you think?
Lucinda: Reverend, are you on my side or not?!
Ashdown: I don't know, I'm just going where the gags are.
Tarquin: I might as well tell you, I've had sex with me own Dad since I've been here. I'm not proud —! Give us a kiss, and you'll never have to strop yourself ever again.
- Peaks in the unaired The Marooned Mastersons, where Paul Merton, playing the character of Tarquin Masterson, keeps blurting out nonsensical or offensive phrases and going on extended rants just to tick off the narrator (Josie Lawrence) by keeping her from switching to another scene. In one instance it leads to Tarquin jumping his father and shouting "I LOVE YOU, DADDY!", followed by an excaggerated make-out session. Later in the episode, when it looks like he might fall for another of the male characters, this happens:
Narrator: Of course, he hadn't really had sex with his own Dad, *trying and failing not to laugh* he just had a bit of a snog.
Tarquin: ...Aye, nothing serious, you understand! Just a bit of heavy petting!
Narrator: Meanwhile —
Tarquin: There's nothing funny about me!
Narrator: *laughing* Meanwhile... back at the beach —
Tarquin: I said to him, no tongues!
Narrator: Meanwhile —
Tarquin: And keep your pants on and all!
Narrator: *raising her voice a little* Meanwhile, back at the —
Tarquin: *shouting* Cause I'll rip 'em off for ya — you cheeky little father of mine!
Tarquin: So you can see, I've got hormones —
Narrator: *finally had enough* PAUL!
Funny / The Masterson Inheritance