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  • Jensen, showing his ingenuity, by using whatever he could find in the middle of the Bolivian jungle...to make toy dinosaurs...and have them hump.
  • "That's right, bitches! I got a crossbow!"
  • "I'm the black MacGyver — BlaGyver!"
  • "You call me Legless Pooch again, and you'll be Headless Jensen."
    • "I like Legless Pooch! It makes you sound like a pirate!"
  • The scene in the van where Pooch makes Clay and Roque apologize to each other.
    Pooch: Don't you two feel so much better?
    Clay and Roque: No.
    Pooch: Well, I don't give a shit...cuz I do! Alright, I say we go watch Jensen get himself killed, yeah?
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  • Even Cougar gets his own sort of funny moment that's also a crowning moment of badass.
    Aisha: You know that if we do this, we're waging a war against the entire Central Intelligence Agency.
    Cougar: They started it.
  • The entire scene involving Jensen infiltrating the office building.
    • With the crown jewel being this bit:
    Jensen: *pulls out finger guns* I'm warning you, I'm a lethal killing machine. It was a secret government experiment. They did stuff to me, spooky stuff...anal stuff. Turned me into a dangerous telekinetic. As the ancient Tibetan prophecy states..."Don't start none; won't be none."
    Security Guard: *reaches for his holster and pulls out a pair of handcuff* Telekinetic your way outta this.
    Jensen: Pow! Boom!! *with each noise, the security guards on either side get blasted off their feet, points his fingers at the last guard standing, does a Clint Eastwood impersonation* Face down, or I'll make your heart stop beatin' with my mind.
  • Pooch and Jensen finding transportation to get them and the kids away from the impending explosion:
    Pooch: (finding a broken down yellow school bus in their search for an escape vehicle) Ah!
    Jensen: No!
    Pooch: Yeah!
    Jensen: Really?
    Pooch: Why not!
    Jensen: Can you?
    Pooch: Of course!
    Jensen: ...Okay.
  • "Sssssssshit! She's got a gun...and it's pointed at my dick, Clay! It's pointed at my DICK, Clay!!!"
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  • Pretty much ANYTHING that comes out of Jensen's mouth is a hoot.
  • The entirety of the soccer scene. The highlight being Jensen getting into a fight with the coach.
    Jensen: THIS IS WORSE THAN THE NBA!!!
    • "YOU DON'T DESERVE TO WEAR THOSE STRIPES!!!"
  • "Ready to take a giant step for...guys who steal stuff I guess."
  • 'What the hell was that? That was a 'hit him in the face' nod, not a 'throw him off the roof' nod.' Max is an evil bastard, but damn if he isn't hilarious.
Max: Do you have any fours?
Scientist: Go fish?
Max (looks at his hand, revealing he has several fours): You actually have two fours...two. You don't know how to play this game, do you?
  • Max getting mugged at the end. It makes it better just how nonchalantly he takes it.
  • Jensen tries to flirt with Aisha before the truck heist. It goes...about as well can be expected for Jensen.
    Jensen: So...where ya from...originally?
    Aisha: I grew up in the wilds of northern Africa.
    Jensen: Wow, so...that must've been...*beat*...sandy. Do you have any hobbies?
    Aisha: When I was little, I collected human ears.
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  • Pooch after getting shot in the leg gets asked twice if he can stand. His responses are as follows:
    Pooch, the first time he's asked: I've been shot...in BOTH my legs. What kind of dumbass question is that, really?!
    Pooch, the second time: Oh, oh, this is Stupid Question Day! This is Stupid Question Day, and nobody decided to tell me. Nah, it's cool. It's all good.
  • This exchange during the final confrontation between Clay & Max:
    Max: "So, since you can't shoot me..."
    Clay: * shoots Max in the shoulder *
  • Or this exchange:
    Roque: If anything smells like a trap, I get to put a bullet in your skull. Does that sound fair?
    Aisha: That sounds like fun.
    Jensen: Sounds like my parents.
  • Max may be an arrogant, obnoxious, unlikable asshole...but he's a FUNNY, arrogant, obnoxious, unlikable asshole. And Wade plays off of him surprisingly well.
    Max: What do you believe in, Wade? I'm guessing shotguns and big titties.
    Wade: I also enjoy air shows and beer.
...
Max: What am I looking at here, Wade?
Max: "Clay and his unit?" That sounds like a porno, Wade.
...
Max: You get me that 18-man firing squad I asked for?
Wade: Yeah.
Max: Okay. Change of plan. Kill 'em.
Wade: Kill my 18 guys?
Max: Or fire 'em. Whichever's easiesi.
Wade: Honestly? Firing them.
Max: Okay. You give them intel on Clay's people?
Wade: Yeah...
Max: Aaaand we're back to killing them.
Wade: ...Fine. What're we doing instead?
Max: What's the matter? You related to them?
Wade: Actually, one of them, yeah.
Max: By blood?
Wade: A brother-in-law. I said I'd kill him. What're we doing?
  • Clay seems to have some really...interesting lady problems.
    Roque: Think you're thinking clear on this? Huh? 'Cuz every time we mess up, it's because of a woman.
    Clay: Name one time that I...
    Roque: Amber.
    Clay: Amber wasn't the problem, Amber's husband was the problem.
    Pooch: Amber's husband wasn't the one who shot you.
    Jensen: What about Emma?
    Clay: Emma doesn't count. I didn't sleep with Emma.
    Roque: No, because she put a bomb in your car!
    Clay: All right, I admit...that did take a little of the romance out of the relationship.
  • Roque's funny moments tend to be snarky one-liners.
    Roque: Really, bro? "Hi, what's your name"? "I have no legs, but I wanna take you on a date"?
...
Roque: Oh, gee, I sure hope nobody sees us in this bright, banana-yellow Pinto...
Clay: Are you ashamed to be seen in an American classic?
Roque: ...This is an American classic?
...
Roque: Yeah, no it's a helluva plan. Ya know what? Pooch can set up over there by the taco stand, and Jensen could set up communications right there by the hookers.
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