- Jensen, showing his ingenuity, by using whatever he could find in the middle of the Bolivian jungle...to make toy dinosaurs...and have them hump.
- "That's right, bitches! I got a crossbow!"
- "I'm the black MacGyver — BlaGyver!"
- "You call me Legless Pooch again, and you'll be Headless Jensen."
- "I like Legless Pooch! It makes you sound like a pirate!"
- The scene in the van where Pooch makes Clay and Roque apologize to each other.Pooch: Don't you two feel so much better?Clay and Roque: No.Pooch: Well, I don't give a shit...cuz I do! Alright, I say we go watch Jensen get himself killed, yeah?
- Even Cougar gets his own sort of funny moment that's also a crowning moment of badass.Aisha: You know that if we do this, we're waging a war against the entire Central Intelligence Agency.Cougar: They started it.
- The entire scene involving Jensen infiltrating the office building.
Jensen: *pulls out finger guns* I'm warning you, I'm a lethal killing machine. It was a secret government experiment. They did stuff to me, spooky stuff...anal stuff. Turned me into a dangerous telekinetic. As the ancient Tibetan prophecy states..."Don't start none; won't be none."Security Guard: *reaches for his holster and pulls out a pair of handcuff* Telekinetic your way outta this.Jensen: Pow! Boom!! *with each noise, the security guards on either side get blasted off their feet, points his fingers at the last guard standing, does a Clint Eastwood impersonation* Face down, or I'll make your heart stop beatin' with my mind.
- With the crown jewel being this bit:
- Pooch and Jensen finding transportation to get them and the kids away from the impending explosion:Pooch: (finding a broken down yellow school bus in their search for an escape vehicle) Ah!Jensen: No!Pooch: Yeah!Jensen: Really?Pooch: Why not!Jensen: Can you?Pooch: Of course!Jensen: ...Okay.
- "Sssssssshit! She's got a gun...and it's pointed at my dick, Clay! It's pointed at my DICK, Clay!!!"
- Pretty much ANYTHING that comes out of Jensen's mouth is a hoot.
- The entirety of the soccer scene. The highlight being Jensen getting into a fight with the coach.Jensen: THIS IS WORSE THAN THE NBA!!!
- "YOU DON'T DESERVE TO WEAR THOSE STRIPES!!!"
- "Ready to take a giant step for...guys who steal stuff I guess."
- 'What the hell was that? That was a 'hit him in the face' nod, not a 'throw him off the roof' nod.' Max is an evil bastard, but damn if he isn't hilarious.
Max: Do you have any fours?
Scientist: Go fish?
Max (looks at his hand, revealing he has several fours): You actually have two fours...two. You don't know how to play this game, do you?
- Max getting mugged at the end. It makes it better just how nonchalantly he takes it.
- Jensen tries to flirt with Aisha before the truck heist. It goes...about as well can be expected for Jensen.Jensen: So...where ya from...originally?Aisha: I grew up in the wilds of northern Africa.Jensen: Wow, so...that must've been...*beat*...sandy. Do you have any hobbies?Aisha: When I was little, I collected human ears.Jensen: ...Good times.
- Pooch after getting shot in the leg gets asked twice if he can stand. His responses are as follows:Pooch, the first time he's asked: I've been shot...in BOTH my legs. What kind of dumbass question is that, really?!Pooch, the second time: Oh, oh, this is Stupid Question Day! This is Stupid Question Day, and nobody decided to tell me. Nah, it's cool. It's all good.
- This exchange during the final confrontation between Clay & Max:Max: "So, since you can't shoot me..."Clay: * shoots Max in the shoulder *
- Or this exchange:Roque: If anything smells like a trap, I get to put a bullet in your skull. Does that sound fair?Aisha: That sounds like fun.Jensen: Sounds like my parents.
- Max may be an arrogant, obnoxious, unlikable asshole...but he's a FUNNY, arrogant, obnoxious, unlikable asshole. And Wade plays off of him surprisingly well.Max: What do you believe in, Wade? I'm guessing shotguns and big titties.Wade: I also enjoy air shows and beer.
- Max: What am I looking at here, Wade?Wade: Clay and his unit.Max: "Clay and his unit?" That sounds like a porno, Wade.
- Max: You get me that 18-man firing squad I asked for?Wade: Yeah.Max: Okay. Change of plan. Kill 'em.Wade: Kill my 18 guys?Max: Or fire 'em. Whichever's easiesi.Wade: Honestly? Firing them.Max: Okay. You give them intel on Clay's people?Wade: Yeah...Max: Aaaand we're back to killing them.Wade: ...Fine. What're we doing instead?Max: What's the matter? You related to them?Wade: Actually, one of them, yeah.Max: By blood?Wade: A brother-in-law. I said I'd kill him. What're we doing?
- Clay seems to have some really...interesting lady problems.Roque: Think you're thinking clear on this? Huh? 'Cuz every time we mess up, it's because of a woman.Clay: Name one time that I...Roque: Amber.Clay: Amber wasn't the problem, Amber's husband was the problem.Pooch: Amber's husband wasn't the one who shot you.Clay: It was only in the leg.Jensen: What about Emma?Clay: Emma doesn't count. I didn't sleep with Emma.Roque: No, because she put a bomb in your car!Clay: All right, I admit...that did take a little of the romance out of the relationship.
- Roque's funny moments tend to be snarky one-liners.Roque: Really, bro? "Hi, what's your name"? "I have no legs, but I wanna take you on a date"?
- Roque: Oh, gee, I sure hope nobody sees us in this bright, banana-yellow Pinto...Clay: Are you ashamed to be seen in an American classic?Roque: ...This is an American classic?
- Roque: Yeah, no it's a helluva plan. Ya know what? Pooch can set up over there by the taco stand, and Jensen could set up communications right there by the hookers.