Thanks to Navin being dumb as a stump (not to mention the sheer silliness of this movie), there's too many to mention. To boil it down to the highlights:
- "I was born a poor black child."
- Terminally white Navin can't keep time with the family's beloved blues music. Then he discovers easy listening, and becomes a human metronome."This music speaks to me!"
- "See that? That's shit. And this? Is Shinola." "Shit....... Shinola!" "Son, you're gonna be all right!"
- And as they walk away, Navin steps right in the not-Shinola.
- This exchange:Mother: It's your birthday and it's time you knew. Navin, you're not our natural born child.Navin: (teary-eyed) ...I'm not?Mother: You were left on our doorstep. But we raised you like you were one of us!Navin: You mean I'm gonna stay this color?!
- "Damn, these glasses!" "Yes!" (to glasses) "I damn thee!"
- Navin finds out what his "special purpose" is for. He wishes his family was there for it, but maybe that'll happen in the future because he plans to use it a lot. He also expects extra money next week because his friend Patti has promised him a blowjob!
Father: That Patti must be a sweet girl.Mother: God bless her.
- Navin's brother struggles to not laugh as their grandmother reads the letter.
- As the letter wraps up:
- Navin celebrates getting his name into the phonebook.Navin: The new phone book's here! The new phone book's here!
Harry: Boy, I wish I could get that excited about nothing.
Navin: 'Nothing'? Are you kidding? Page 73 - Johnson, Navin R.! I'm somebody now! Millions of people look at this book everyday! This is the kind of spontaneous publicity - your name in print - that makes people. I'm in print! Things are going to start happening to me now.
[Cut to the Sniper picking a name at random out of a phonebook.]
Sniper: Johnson, Navin R... sounds like a typical bastard.
- "HE HATES THESE CANS! STAY AWAY FROM THE CANS!"
- "We ain't got defective cans, we got a defective PERSON out there!"
- Navin writing to his mom that Marie looks exactly like her... except she's White and blonde.
- Navin and Marie's duet of "Tonight You Belong To Me" is a Heartwarming Moment, until Marie randomly pulls out a cornet for a solo.Navin: You know... while you were playing that just now, I had the craziest fantasy that I could rise up, float right down the end of this cornet, right through here, through these valves, right along this tube, come right up against your lips and give you a kiss.Marie: Why didn't you?Navin: I didn't wanna get spit on me.
- Navin's monologue to Marie about how much he loves her as she's sleeping next to him. Unless Bernadette Peters was actually asleep, she has the greatest poker face in human history.
- When Marie leaves a goodbye letter to Navin near the bathroom door, he accidentally gets it wet, causing the ink to run before attempting to read it... phonetically. Hilarity Ensues.
- Marie's sincere reaction to finding Navin under the mud mask she's taking off instead of the old Jewish man she'd applied it to.
- (To herself, gobsmacked) "Jesus, this shit really works."
- Navin wanting some fresh wine. None of this old stuff. Something from this year.
- "Well Mom, remember how, I always said I wanted a big house on a hill?" And then some...
- "And remember how I always used to chit-chat with dad about having a bathtub shaped like a clam?"
- "Well, I got that too!"
- "I'm gonna buy you a diamond so big, it's gonna make you PUKE!!"
- Navin's reaction to a visiting foreign priest showing him footage of an evil that plagues his home country: cat juggling.Navin: Father ... could there be a God that would let this happen?
- Before that: "Father, you seem like a religious man."
- The entire "and that's all I need" scene.
- The punchline to the Framing Device of Navin recounting the story to... well, us when his brother finds him asks if he's Navin Johnson, born in Mississippi and inventor of the Opti-Grab. "I was just telling these people!!"
- The ending: His family struck it "rich", and Navin moves back home. Their old, crappy house is torn down and replaced with a bigger house. Looking closely, you'll notice it's the exact same house as before but larger, complete with a 9-foot-high front door.