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Below, you will find the funny moments from the whole series. So far.
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Moments pages are Spoilers Off. You Have Been Warned.


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Series 1

    The Holy Trinity 
  • "Back in the Summer, I suddenly became... unbusy."
  • The trio taking cover when the American audience riots.
    Clarkson: Okay...let's all agree...that the RAF is the best air force.
    (after many jump cuts, fights, and booing)
    Clarkson: Let's agree that the Royal Air Force is pretty good.
  • The first issue ever tackled on Conversation Street? The ever-slow James being taunted for his speeding ticket. It was all of 37 mph.
  • Clarkson and Hammond argue over which of their supercars are better, down to the doors and even the MPG figures.
    Clarkson: Mine does 34 miles to the gallon!
    Hammond: This does 94.
    Clarkson: 94 miles to the gallon... Just remind me, Porsche’s owned by?
    Hammond: That would be Volkswagen.
    Clarkson, followed by Hammond: [Aside Glance] note 

    Operation Desert Stumble 
  • Clarkson and Hammond hurriedly attempting to eat their high-end snacks while James gets repeatedly shot by the sniper.
  • James starts ranting about the monarchy when Jeremy announces the VIP is the Queen of England. James then starts lecturing the Queen on his political views as Jeremy is shot twice in the plums and eventually blown up.
  • On one run, James "accidentally" shoots the Queen in the head while she gets into the car. To restart the mission, he promptly shoots Hammond. The following run Jeremy confiscates James' rifle before they get into the car.
  • Clarkson being stuck in the window, and the insurgents getting "personal" with him.

    Opera, Arts and Donuts 
  • Hammond's 'painting' of his Hellcat. His improvements remove it from Italy entirely and add fire, large exhausts, and a sexy American woman in Daisy Dukes.
  • Clarkson and May's priceless faces of disgust when they hear Hammond doing doughnuts outside while they are at an opera.
  • When Clarkson and May were admiring the art over at the Uffizi Gallery, they weren't pleased to hear the sound of Hammond and his Dodge Hellcat doing doughnuts...at the other end of the city.
  • Hammond constantly revving while next to May, causing anger, emotional breakdowns, and, eventually, a Twitchy Eye a la Inspector Dreyfus in A Shot in the Dark.
    May: A quick situation update. I'm driving though sunny Italy...
    Hammond: [Revving the Hellcat] VROOOOOM!
    May: SHUT UP!
    Clarkson: Bad news James, I'm afraid there's a tunnel coming up.
    Hammond: Are you ready? Are you ready?
    May: Don't do it Hammond, just relax and enjoy a bit of quiet...
    Hammond: [Extremely loud rev as only a Hellcat can make]
    May: STOP IT!
    Hammond: Ooh hahaha! You've gotta love that.
  • Jeremy and Richard read the sales brochure for May's Rolls Royce. While reading the overly dramatic section on the convertible top, they both start making a jerking-off gesture, then claim it was made for "safety conscious people" who are "always putting on their seatbelts".
  • The destruction of Clarkson's house after he loses the bet in episode one:
    • James carefully taking apart Clarkson's house with an excavator. Of particular note is James retrieving the toilet like an oversized crane game.
    • Meanwhile, Richard simply rams it down. Made funnier by the fact that Hammond knows how to properly destroy a house with a trackhoe thanks to Richard Hammond's Crash Course. He's choosing to ram it because of his hatred for Clarkson.
    • They discover a bat is in the attic, and a local bylaw prevents demolition until the bat leaves of his own volition. Hammond makes James stand in the barn and make "sultry and erotic bat noises" to get the bat to leave. Somehow, this apparently works.
    • The disturbing things found in the remains of Clarkson's house, including a photo album of nothing but pictures of Hammond, a Voodoo Doll of May, and a painting of a shirtless Clarkson astride a rearing horse, a la Vladimir Putin.
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    Enviro-mental 
  • After proudly showing off their use of alternate materials to construct a Land Rover bodyshell, James May's "mud-Rover" partially disintegrates before they manage to leave the field in which they started. The fact that it took three rapid-fire attempts to finally get him to confess that the whole thing weighed five tonnes likely counts too! In his zeal to get his bodywork repaired he misses the point of environmental car design and basically reenacts Factorio in real life.
  • Clarkson leaves his meat and bone made Land Rover outside their hotel for the night... and returns to discover that a dog has been at it.
  • Using Richard Hammond as a parking sensor by "installing" him behind the rear bumper of an Audi Quattro and drilling in a set of eye holes. Before this, Jeremy challenges the audience to guess where Richard was hidden (to demonstrate how much space exists behind the bumper); one person suggest the ashtray. "He's small, but he's not that small!"

     Moroccan Roll 
  • May and Hammond play Battleships with cars. Hammond insists on using an air cannon to launch the "missiles" (i.e. G-Wizes) in the game, much to May's skepticism. To demonstrate his brilliance, Hammond shoots a G-Wiz at a target and instead hits a Health and Safety van nearby, causing a massive explosion.
  • While driving around the Game of Thrones set, Clarkson tries to keep his concentration...
    Clarkson: Don't think of Khaleesi... Don't think of Khaleesi...
  • Clarkson crashes May and Hammond's car test in an absurdly bright blue jacket that would have even given May pause.
    Clarkson: (aside as they make fun of his car) If you ever buy a new item of clothing, don't show it to these two. "What are you wearing that jacket for? It makes you look like a German game show host..."
    May: Why are you wearing that jacket?
    Clarkson: Because I was at a party in India last night and I hurried over here.
    Hammond: Why did you go to the party dressed as a German game show host?
  • They show off some of the items they found at an "Dutch all night motorist store". Items include a safety device so you don't bite your tongue in an accident (a ball gag), and a blow-up person to ride in high occupancy vehicle lanes (a blow up person for... other uses).

     Happy Finnish Christmas 
  • To promote the show, the three have come up with Grand Tour condoms emblazoned with a Catchphrase on each. Clarkson has "How hard can it be?", Hammond has "That's not gone well", and May has "I was the first to arrive".
  • Lampshading how otherwise mundane gift items suddenly become more expensive when the name of a famous car brand is slapped on, Clarkson, Hammond and May wear knitted sweaters promoting their favorite cars—the McLaren P1, Jaguar E-Type, and the Nissan GT-R, respectively—with the "P", "E" and "NISSAN" in big, bold letters. However, when the three strike a pose wearing their sweaters, the letters on the jackets spell out..."PENIS", to the amusement of the Finnish audience.note 
    Clarskon: Why's everybody... Why are you applauding?

     The Beach (Buggy) Boys (Parts 1 & 2) 
  • Clarkson is trying to navigate the trio through the Namibian desert by the stars. Hammond is not impressed:
    Hammond: We're trusting our lives to an orangutan who thinks he's Patrick Moore!
  • In the first part, Jeremy locks up just before he could descend down a massive drop off. He starts swearing as Richard laughs for almost a full minute. James joins Jeremy in swearing when he catches up.
  • Hammond goes over a dune so fast that he vanishes from existence. Cue Clarkson immediately shouting for everyone to stop and help and, when he sees Hammond is alive, he falls to his knees and shouts "How the f[BLEEP] did you get down that?!" Hammond's reply? "With my eyes shut!" He then burst out laughing in disbelief.
  • After seeing a dehorned rhino, Clarkson and May decide to do their part to catch rhino poachers, roping in a reluctant Hammond. When they try to track poachers off road, they end up following their own tracks. So they decide to look for poachers from the air by paragliding, only for a gust of wind to knock Clarkson off his feet. Then they decide to go out on a night patrol, which results in Hammond getting hit by a tranquiliser dart. When he doesn't wake up the next morning, they get creative with getting him and his car to follow. Cut to Richard Hammond waking up in his buggy suspended from a helicopter, screaming.
    Richard: [slowly wakes up in his buggy, and sees it's in the air] AAAAAAAHHHHHH! OH! WHAT THE [BLEEP]?! WHAT THE [BLEEP] IS THIS?! YOU BASTARDS! AHHHH-HA-HAAA!
  • As revenge for insisting on going off-road, Clarkson and Hammond replace May's gear lever with a, um, "dickshift." Later, May and Clarkson throw the new part into each other's buggies while driving; May wins when he triumphantly smacks Clarkson in the face on one toss.
    James: [upon discovering his... new gear lever] CLARK-SOOOOON!!
  • May decides to get even for the dickshift during the night and messes with Jeremy's "spoiler". He accidentally sets his own car on fire due to sparks flying off from the saw he uses igniting the gas from the buggy's leaky petrol tank.

     Berks to the Future 
  • Jeremy believes that the secret to building a proper SUV is to take a Land Rover Discovery (ticking the "Utility" and "Vehicle" boxes), remove the bodywork so that only the chassis remains, and then put the body of a more sporty car on top of it (ticking the "Sport" box). But Jeremy being Jeremy, the results are half-arsed in a hilarious way...
    • He starts by putting the body of an MG-B on the Discovery's chassis. It doesn't even come close to fitting properly, with the wheel arches so far over the wheels that another set of wheels could be fit into the gap, and looking like the car equivalent of someone wearing a hat several sizes too small. The dials on the dashboard haven't been connected to anything, meaning he has no idea of the car's speed, engine temperature, or fuel level. The steering wheel is only just about connected to the chassis, but can turn almost 30 degrees either way with no effect on the car's direction. The sloppily connected brakes leave him with a ludicrously long stopping distance after a drag race with a Dacia Duster (although he does win the race). And when Jeremy takes his creation off road, the body keeps getting shaken halfway off, and finally ends up nearly on its side next to the chassis.
    • So, "for no particular reason", he abandons the idea and replaces the MG-B body with the body of a Mercedes SL. However, this time he's not alone for his road test...
      Jeremy: [voiceover] It's a car I have justifiably called the Excellent. The internal organs from a Land Rover Discovery, mated to the beautiful skin of a glamorous Mercedes SL, to create a vision of pure... what's the word?...
      Richard, James: Rubbish.
      Jeremy: It's not rubbish!
      Richard: [taking in the slapdash paint job] Did you paint it with a brush or a bucket!?
      James: It's got those headlights that- that swivel when you go round a bend, look... [tugs on a very loose front indicator light] so that they point at the road.
      Jeremy: Okay, let me ask you this: which would you rather have, [gestures to...] the Excellent, or [gestures to a Porsche Macan parked next to the Excellent] that Porsche?
      Richard, James: That Porsche.
    • Richard's horrified reaction as Jeremy starts driving it.
      "Oh no, it moves!!"
    • Jeremy tries to win over his co-presenters by taking them for a drive (for all the jokes about Hammond's height, he still has trouble fitting in the back seat), and it seems he succeeds - at least, that's what he says...
      Jeremy: [voiceover] We'd only gone a few miles before Richard and James completely changed their minds, and realised that the Excellent was the best car they'd ever been in!
      [cut to the Excellent]
      Richard: No, we haven't! Stop saying things in voiceover that aren't true!
      Jeremy: Is it not? I thought you'd changed your minds!
      Richard: No!... maybe a bit, it's worse than I thought.
      James: Can I put the heater on? [slides the controls for the heater, which are very obviously non-functional, and pokes at the vents]
      Jeremy: That's not connected.
      James: [sarcastically] Is it not?
      Jeremy: No.
      Richard: What's that dial down there to the left of the steering...
      Jeremy: Speedometer.
      James: Well, why've you got that one, not that one? [points to the speedometer in the Mercedes dashboard]
      Jeremy: That doesn't work.
      Richard: Has it got a fuel gauge?
      Jeremy: Not as such.
      Richard: Has it got a temperature gauge?
      Jeremy: Not really.
      James: There's a lot of wires hanging out of the dash that aren't connected to things.
      Richard: You haven't given it an interior!
      [James opens the glove box, revealing it to be full of electrical components; he laughs sardonically]
      Richard: I can see the road...
      Jeremy: I can as well.
      Richard: No, there's a hole in the floor...
      Jeremy: [voiceover] While Hammond and May had one or two minor issues, they both agreed that if I were to put my car into production, it would make me a fortune.
      [cut to the Excellent]
      James: No, we didn't agree to that either!
    • Jeremy's target market for the Excellent is Premiership footballers, so he takes the car to the Chelsea training ground. While Richard and James embarrass themselves with a display of complete ineptitude and ignorance of all things football, Jeremy shows some of the Chelsea players the car. As Chelsea have gained notoriety since the late 1990s for having a first team consisting largely of players from outside the UK, their comments are subtitled (even for the English players) - except the translations are clearly bogus, as they are all claimed to be complimenting the car.
    • But Jeremy won't be deterred, and submits the car for a vehicle auction at Ascot run by Coys of Kensington. Richard and James struggle to contain their laughter when the auctioneer starts the bidding at £425, rather lower than the £120,000 Jeremy believed the car was worth. When bidding stalls at £800, Jeremy starts bidding on the car himself (inevitably, his bidding card has a "gentleman's sausage" drawn on it), and the bidding finally tops out at... £4,000.
    • Back in the tent, Jeremy reveals that the car cost £14,000 to make, leading Richard and James to chide him for costing the production company £10,000. Then Jeremy reveals that he set the reserve price for the car at £100,000, so it didn't actually sell at all, and he's cost them the full £14,000.
      Jeremy: But, we've ended up with the Excellent!
      James: No, we're stuck with the Excellent!
      Richard: It's difficult to tell working with you. Is it ambition, or are you a lunatic?
  • The border collie that refuses to pull the cart to charge Richard's phone is cute, but made funnier when you know she's Hammond's own dog, Blea. It's almost like she's had enough of his silly nonsense already.
  • The Escalating War between Hammond's bugout vehicles versus Clarkson and May's increasingly bigger and bigger weapons. Hammond's first vehicle gets peppered by machine gun and sniper fire, with May's rocket-propelled grenade blowing it up. Hammond's second vehicle (with increased bullet-proof armor) is then blown up by a Challenger 2 tank commanded by Clarkson, and Hammond's final vehicle (based on the chassis of an Alvis Stalwart and welded with even thicker armor plating) gets blown up by a shell fired from the HMS Richmond.
    • Overlapping with Genius Bonus, the episode's "welcome sign" Couch Gag misspells Richard's name as "Richard Gammon" foreshadowing Hammond getting "blown up" at the end of the episode.
    • One feature shown in Richard's first attempt is a system that 'purifies' urine into clean drinking water. He drinks the result as a demonstration and there is a noticeable pause and discomfort in his face before he awkwardly moves on.
    • While showing off the exterior of the vehicle, Richard's red sweater gets caught on the ram and unravels.
    • Jeremy gives a bit of Reality Ensues when they test the armor using air rifles.
      Jeremy: What you're suggesting is, these aliens, they're are going to travel trillions of miles, using a propulsion system that we can't even conceive, and then they're going to try and take over the world...using .177 air rifles?
      Richard: Well, if they do, I shall be ready for them!
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     Dumb Fight at the O.K. Coral 
  • Clarkson and Hammond comparing musicians from Detroit vs. ones from Nashville:
    Clarskon: Ted Nugent-
    Hammond: Mad.
    Clarskon: Iggy Pop-
    Hammond: Ridiculous.
    Clarskon: Madonna-
    Hammond: Annoying.
    Clarskon: Eminem-
    Hammond: Can't sing.
    Clarskon: Alice Cooper-
    Hammond: Ridiculous again.
    • Then they get to:
    Clarkson: ...The Allman Brothers.note 
    Hammond: Never heard of them. [crowd winces accordingly]
    Clarkson: ... they had that one hit... instrumental... what was it called? Jeb... Jennifer!note  You never hear it anymore —
    May: Ooh, I hated that!
    Clarkson: You never hear it anymore, do you?
    May: No... rubbish.
    Hammond: Weirdest thing, weirdest thing.
    • Finally, their discussion of music gets interrupted by one of the studio monitors flashing a message: "IT'S A CAR SHOW YOU IDIOTS", which the trio properly take as evidence that "Mr. Wilman" is annoyed with them for drifting off topic.
  • Hammond and May go to Scotland for a Jaguar vs. BMW shootout, but Clarkson goes to Wales, taking the film crews with him. Cue an angry phone call from Hammond and May whilst as Clarkson tools around in an Alfa Romeo Giulia Quadrifoglio.
  • The whole coral reef-from-cars segment in Barbados turns into a comedy of errors; First they capsize the boat Clarkson brings to haul them, then they set the car skeletons down, but then don't anchor them and the next morning they wash up on the beach. They then destroy a barge, wreck the beach of a vacation resort, and ultimately, out of the four cars they try to set down, manage only to set down one. Jeremy tried welding the cars in place. The water above him turned red and a large number of dead fish surface.
  • The trio getting in another fight with the American audience over the word Football, started by Brian Johnson, on his way to the studio to appear in "Celebrity Brain Smash", catches a football and is run over by an entire football team. The scene repeatedly jump cuts shots of the trio arguing with the audience, from Jeremy calling American football rugby with padding, to James holding a globe and touting how many people watch soccer, to James having blood wiped from his nose by a makeup tech while the audience chants "USA! USA! USA!" Then May asks "So he's not coming on, then?"
  • Explaining Germans: "It is impossible to drive without a license!"

     Italian Lessons 
  • The lads discuss the "Andy Murray Effect" wherein anyone from Scotland or Wales is suddenly referred to as British, as opposed to Scottish or Welsh, when they do anything noteworthy.
    Clarkson: Alexander Graham Bell when he was tinkering in his shed: Scottish Crackpot. Invents the Phone: British Genius.
    • Followed by Hammond noting the Double Standard that if you're English and do anything, you're still English.
    • Topped off by James May:
      "The English really are appalling, aren't they?"
  • Clarkson spoofing the classic 1980s Volkswagen Golf GTI commercial with his Maserati Biturbo.
  • The Couch Gag for Conversation Street this time involved Richard hitting Jeremy over the head with a bottle. Apparently it was real and they had expected it to be fake.
    (Beat after the intro ends with some laughter from the audience)
    Clarkson: That really hurt.
    Hammond (grinning): It did! (Hammond and the audience laugh)
    Clarkson: Just to be absolutely clear with you, that really, really hurt.
    Hammond: Yeah. It was supposed to be a pretend bottle. (audience laugh)
  • James May fractured his arm before the episode, so he spent the whole Maserati segment having extreme difficulty driving. He asks the other two to install a knob on the steering wheel (like a forklift has) to make things easier. They put a knob on the steering wheel alright. When he protests, they replace it with a cactus, and finally with a squeaky toy.
  • Jeremy and Richard also stick a note reading "déshabillé" on James' car. James later points out to them that it does not mean disabled.
    May: Déshabillé means undressed, you moron!

     [censored] to [censored]  
  • The track of the journey takes them through towns in Germany and Austria with hilarious names. They start in Wank, Germany, then go through Kissing and Petting before ending up in Fucking, Austria. They are supposed to go on to Wedding (which is in Berlin), but they just can't commit to it.

     Past v Future 
  • Jeremy has some predictable trouble with a voice control system in his car that can't register his words properly. At first he can't get it to recognise "(James) May" and then the messages he sends are garbled into nonsensical gibberish. He rolls with it when he hears how dumb everything turns out.
    Clarkson: "May, you're a blithering idiot and your stupid car is ruining my day."
    Message System:: Your message to May says, "Your brother is idiot and your stupid car is ready." Ready to send it?
    Clarkson: (cracks up)
    (cut)
    May: "Your brother is idiot?" What? He's never met my brother! How does he know he's an idiot?
  • On that same challenge pitting Jeremy Clarkson's Volkswagen Golf Mk7 GTI against James May's BMW i3, the reward at the end of the trip is watching a mini-concert with Roger Daltrey and Wilko Johnson. But because of the long recharge time required for May's i3 at each refueling stop, he misses the concert completely... prompting him to utter his signature Catchphrase for the first time since leaving Top Gear.
    May: Oh, cock.

Series 2

     Past, Present or Future 
  • Richard absolutely zooms ahead in the race in his Rimac. Both he and Jeremy are absolutely gobsmacked at the sight of it; Hammond tries to count the speed, but the numbered speedometer is much too fast for him and when he wins the race, by quite a margin, his reaction is "JE-SUS WEPT!", while Jeremy is so gobsmacked that he can only declare "that Rimac just fucked off" and that he's never seen anything with number plates move that fast.
  • The sheer level of Mood Whiplash when Richard's Rimac crash is shown. The crash is shown though audio only, then cutting to handheld camera footage of the aftermath. When the studio fades back in, May starts reading off the lap times as if nothing happened while Hammond looks incredulous.

    The Falls Guys 
  • At the sight of Hammond on crutches, James laments that he's "become a carer". Jeremy's reply is a snickering Blunt "Yes".
  • James notes that he thought Hammond was in hospital. Jeremy corrects him by saying "you hoped he was". James, for his part, does not deny it.
  • Jeremy calls J.F.K Airport and, thanks to a lovely lady on the other end, gets Richard and James demoted from "Business Class" to "Economy Class". Once the lady on the phone doing the change for him has gone, he gives a Muttley snicker and declares "Ooh, I'm on form this morning!"
  • Jeremy goes really fast in a Ford GT. His reaction is a horrified "BLOODY NORA!"
  • Jeremy has James May registered in his phone as "Vagina" and says he's had to change it because the normal one is worse. A phone calls later reveals that Jeremy also has Richard listed as "Bell End".
  • The office gives Jeremy a "James May Talking Book on How To Fix Things" audiobook - his reaction is merely some annoyed eye wiggles. Eventually, it Gilligan Cuts back to him listening to it - and Jeremy exclaims "How did he stay awake to read that out? He's reassembling an alarm clock and he's made an audio book out of it. Ohh, god!"
  • Richard gets a pat down by a TSA man and his reactions are very awkward.
  • A running gag of this episode occurs again - Jeremy re-rings the very lovely lady on the phone and reveals "in confidence" that James and Richard are recovering alcoholics. The lady says she'll note it down, meaning they'll get no alcohol on the flight either. Moments later he rings James and, subtly, reveals that they will "definitely need a drink" after the flight. Once James has gone, he laughs "Economy and no drinks!" while thumping the steering wheel and clapping his hands in glee.
  • The three of them get into an argument over whether a shirt is a "top" or not. Jeremy says the following sentence: "Hammond, I'm sorry, I've never said this before in my entire life and I promise I'll never say this again, but I'm with James May on this one: A man cannot wear a top." It leads to a running gag over Richard's crash and Jeremy's "pneumonia".
  • Jeremy tests the Mercedes AMG GTR and wonders if his face has come off due to the sheer power of its brakes.
  • Jeremy overtakes someone and warns them "don't get in the way of someone who's just given up a 43-year smoking habit" to explain his reckless driving.
  • Richard has to be wheeled down the length of an aeroplane on a tiny chair. And then back to the front too on landing.
  • James starts snapping angrily at people who pull the bus cord to stop it and get on and off.
  • James runs on camera, all while pushing Richard in a wheelchair no less. By the end he lies down on a bench to "die of exhaustion" and in true British fashion, tells the other two to talk among themselves and leave him to it.

    Bah Humbug-atti 
  • The gift-giving segment in Conversation Street leads to a long string of Clarkson and May taking the piss out of Hammond for his Rimac crash. The most outlandish gift is a crushed and mangled toy car set upside down on an alarm clock; when the alarm goes off, the car sets itself on fire.
  • During Celebrity Face Off, Jeremy's open contempt for the Vauxhall Vectra: "It was four wheels and a fucking seat."

    Unscripted 
  • The joke of this episode is how the vast majority of it has no script, therefore no production crew to correct flubs.
  • The Nigel Awards include several amusing moments:
    • According to Amazon's X-ray Vision feature, the awards apparently use a bunch of cards and envelopes that the production team had lying around that were meant to be used for something else that never came to fruition. Note who W. Chump & Sons Ltd, the production team in question, are.note 
    • Absolutely none of the category Nigel awards are won by any of the nominees.
    • The Nigel for appalling continuity is given for a very obvious Smash Cut version of Richard Hammond's just completed 720S review. When Richard is presented with the award, another smash cut is used to switch the tiny bottle of water Jeremy is holding... with a office cooler bottle with an appropriately scaled label... that could also be seen by Richard's feet just a few seconds prior.
  • Because of the "unscripted" nature of the episode, the "challenge" of the episode that involved building a fire engine out of a car was only done by James May; the other two decided to do something else because they felt his idea was stupid. Even when going completely solo, James manages to be incompetent beyond belief with his firefighting service. Because the producers couldn't arrange a pre-made building fire scenario, James is forced to go around town asking others if they need a fire put out. Eventually, James gets fed up, arranges a bin fire himself, and puts it out. Then he puts out a random man's grill, and attempts to create and start a controlled bushfire to put out, so as to demonstrate his engine to Jeremy and Hammond. However, the two catch on to James' antics very quickly and start their own bushfire in a more realistic location for James to put out, except it ends up growing too large too quickly for James to handle, leading to him exhausting his pitifully low resources in minutes and requiring the actual fire brigade to put it out.
  • "You only won because you fed the finishing line's cat". It Makes Sense in Context.
  • X-ray Vision gives the address of W. Chump & Sons so viewers may send their complaints about how scripted this unscripted episode was.

    Up, Down and Round the Farm 
  • The driving in the Farmkhana segment is impressive, but becomes much more amusing when May and Hammond show the in-between bits of how Clarkson actually pulled it off with careful editing, a stunt rally driver, and a very unhappy director named Phil. Particularly amusing are the in-car bits showing Clarkson's driving face and an interior shot of him flailing his feet around on the pedals like a toddler to make it seem like he's doing something impressive with the car when he's actually completely still.

    Jaaaaaaaags 
  • The trio try to show that old Jaguars don't break down. Key word, "try".
    • When Hammond drives up in his Mark X, Clarkson and May agree that it's a "proper Jag", followed by:
      Clarkson: Whatever you do, okay, do not tell him that.
      May: No, no.
      (As Hammond pulls up and steps out)
      May: Hammond, you idiot.
    • Hammond's car starts smoking and they play it off as the car taking a smoke break.
    • Jeremy's car's roof is too low for him to wear a helmet so he's forced to race with the sunroof open.
    • After sending Clarkson's car around for a lap on the off-road course, Hammond flashes the stopwatch at the camera, showing the actual 1:27 time before telling Clarkson he made it in 1:54. Clarkson just accepts it and triumphantly declares it a lap record for the XJR while Hammond gives an amused grin and shrug that Clarkson actually bought it.
    • Richard decides to be much more aggressive during his off-road lap in his 1967 420G than either Jeremy or James, resulting in his rear window getting smashed, his boot lid getting wrenched off, and his engine throwing a piston rod with a very loud "ping" when he tries to start it. However, he claims the car is fixable, and in the next scene, sure enough, his Jaguar is in perfect working order - and has somehow acquired a sun roof and a badge reading "XJ6".
    • In a nod to their perception that Jag owners can get away with all manner of petty crimes simply because they own a "Jaaaaaaaag", they park as far away from reception as they can at their hotel, and the next morning, Jeremy exits his room wearing his hotel dressing gown (which he continues to wear over his clothes for the rest of the day) and carrying a coffee maker, James exits with a suitcase full of toiletries (that falls open after a few yards), and Richard is carrying an armload of towels.
    • Jeremy's voiceover claims that the trio decided to stop and admire the rock formations after a few miles on the roads of Colorado. The sound of an engine failing to turn over undermines his claim, as does the camera panning over to reveal that the noise is coming from Richard's XJ6; the icing on the cake is Jeremy's frantic gestures to the camera to pan back to the rock formations.
    • Richard finally gets his car going again - until it overheats in a spectacular geyser of fluid. A passing motorist telling the old joke about the British liking their beer warm because Lucas (the company responsible for the malfunctioning electronics in most British cars in the mid 20th century) make fridges does not help Richard's mood.
    • By the time the trio do a 0-100-0 test on the runway at Telluride Airport, James' XK8 is in "limp home" mode, and has barely reached 95mph when James reaches the end of the runway and the car plunges over the edge and down the side of a mountain, with the odd dispassionate "Ow" from James on the way down. However, cut to later, and Richard is amazed that James and his car have emerged from the accident unscathed. James is marvelling at the fact that it now has a smoother ride, which may have something to do with the four extra cylinders it has gained, along with a badge reading "XJS" and a red paint job.
    • The petty crimes continue apace after they arrive in Telluride to ski in their Jags. Richard empties the basket of suntan lotion bottles into his bag at reception, while Jeremy's idea of a "sample" from a bottle of wine to determine if it's been corked is almost half the bottle. And the next morning, James "shops" for ski gear by swapping the gear he is buying with the gear he is wearing and then leaving without paying, while Jeremy, in an idea he credits to fellow Jag driver Peter Sellers, poses as a hotel valet, takes a guest's coat and hat and bag, and then leaves.
    • With the cars lacking the power to get up the slopes on their own, James comes up with the idea to shackle them together and have them go up as a convoy, with three times the power they would have individually. It works about as well as you'd expect (at first), with constant bickering over whose fault it is that James at the front or Jeremy at the back is about to go off the edge of the slope, and Jeremy (who has taped hand warmers to his steering wheel) unwisely comparing them to The Human Centipede.
    • But they do eventually reach the summit, and after an initially terrifying journey back down, Jeremy and Richard get into a race to the bottom, only to crash into each other and find themselves unable to start again now that they've lost momentum. They try to pass this off as a decision to park where they've ended up, but as they deliver a piece to camera, James arrives with his brakes having failed and crashes off the end of the slope into a pond.
  • Jeremy declares Aston Martin's Chief Technical Officer Max Szwaj to have the second coolest name in the car industry (after Lamborghini test driver Max Venturi). What makes the scene hilarious is his pronunciation of Szwaj's name; instead of pronouncing it properly ("Svay"), he pronounces the "Sz" as if he were imitating a dentist's drill, and "waj" as if it were an English rather than a Polish name.
  • The guests this week are Kiefer Sutherland and Luke Evans. Kiefer lists his five middle names, and remarks that "his father probably owed people money. 'I can't pay you back, let me name my son after you.'"

    Blasts From the Past 
  • While looking for his car in an extremely foggy parking lot in the Pyrenees, Clarkson accidentally stumbles upon a car with a couple engaging in Auto Erotica. He quickly scuttles away, embarrassed and laughing as the two make a hasty retreat.

    Breaking, Badly 
  • During Conversation Street, the show reveals a picture of the new Rimac Concept Two. It's flipped upside-down.
  • Clarkson's vision of the fastest amphibious 'road-legal' vehicle is a boat with wheels on, with catamarans and a jet engine. As in a jet engine from a freaking fighter jet. Clarkson's logic was that it would have enough thrust to propel them 100+ MPH, and even demonstrated the principle at Huddersfield Airport; which went about as well as expected with Clarkson at the helm.
    • The actual test of the Clarkson-mobile. It gets into the water, floats a bit while he ignites the jet engine, enables thrust slowly as the boat starts moving, and then as he reaches full power... it still only goes the speed it was originally going.
    • Clarkson even asks later why it didn't work as a concept, to which James launches into a lecture on exactly why, ranging from aerodynamics to a basic understanding of simple physics.
  • The second attempt at an amphibious vehicle has May and Hammond convert a small two seat car into a boat complete with rotating wheels so that it can hydroplane easily. Then tell Clarkson that while neither of them have motorboat racing licenses, he does, so he is the only one that can test drive their creation. The look on his face is priceless! Made even better afterwards when Clarkson notes that everything from the hydrodynamic issues to the complicated controls seemed designed to get him killed... after which Hammond and May confirm that they had designed the thing to be a Clarkson-custom-death-trap.
    Clarkson: So we're deliberately trying to get each other killed now?
    Hammond: Yes, and we could't even do that right.

    Oh, Canada 
  • In the first test they run into a problem when the crew loses the key to the keyless BMW they used to set the lap time their SUVs are testing against. They end up "ignoring Health & Safety" and leave it on the track.
  • In the second part, they have to find out how many dogs they can fit in their boots. Unfortunately, Hammond got them Newfoundlands.
    May: They're not dogs, they're cattle!
  • The Conversation Street Bumper is Clarkson and Hammond working over May with sledgehammers, who merely reacts with light "Ow"s and "Ooh"s.

    Feed the World 
  • Even the Amazon X-Ray feature is getting some jokes in, as seen especially with Hammond's choice of vehicle:
    Amazon X-Ray: Richard's 2016 TVS Star HLX has a 100cc, one cylinder engine making 7 horsepower. It has a top speed but we don't know what it is. Likewise, it can probably go from 0-60, but it depends how many weeks you can spare.
  • Watching James get soaked by his giant "May-quarium" every time he has to hard brake his car. It looks like he's in some kind of weird dunk tank.
  • Hammond goes for drying rack on the back of his bike to which he hooks a variety of fish. When he loses nearly all of them on the first day, he nicks some from Jeremy's truckbed and claims he caught them, including a freshwater octopus.
  • After May submerges the engine of his Mercedes in a water crossing gone wrong, Clarkson and Hammond decide to help that night with some modifications. They remove the entire front of the car, engine and all, and rig up a way to tow it behind Clarkson's pick-up truck. They do leave the front seats of the car so May can still "drive" his vehicle. He is extremely unhappy with them.

Series 3

    Motown Funk 
  • Jeremy complains that the urban farm allotments in Detroit will destroy its motoring heritage and must be stopped. May rebuts that in the entirety of the city only three acres have been allotted, and that by the end of the film Jeremy's driven over two of them.
  • The crew can't find a hotel to sleep in within the Detroit city limits. So they buy a house for $2,200. Pennies when it comes to the budget of the show!
  • In the final drag race, Hammond breaks out a modification kit to improve his chances. Every time they think he's finished, he keeps on going.
    • Afterwards, May complains about how ludicrous this was and points out the special fuel required isn't available for the average driver. When Jeremy notes that May had been using that same fuel the entire special, May sheepishly admits he'd hoped nobody noticed.

    Colombia Special 
  • In an effort to capture photos of Condors, Jeremy fits the back of his car with a scissor lift, which then proceeds to go up quite a bit higher than they were all expecting.

    Pick-Up, Put Downs 
  • When showing off their trucks, Hammond points out his Ford Ranger is European.
    Jeremy: Well yes, apart from the fact it was designed in Australia and is built in South Africa.
    Hammond: What about the engine?
    James: That's made in Turkey.
    Hammond: That's European.
    James: Well a bit of it is.
    Jeremy: Let's not get bogged down with where Turkey is.
  • One challenge is to pull down statues of each other as a test of how useful their trucks would be in a revolution, with whoever uses the lowest revs being the winner. May has a statue of Clarkson, Hammond has a statue of May (which he continues dragging after it's toppled) and Clarkson has a much smaller statue of Hammond.
    Hammond: Oh now come on!
    May: Well, you shouldn't have built a life-sized one. You are a man of modest statue.
    Hammond: Yeah, funny. It reflects my ego compared to yours.
    May: Well, it's you know, proportionate to the size of the tyranny.
    Clarkson: I don't think I'm going to need low range.
    Hammond: You haven't got it!
    Clarkson: Well I know exactly, I don't need it.
  • May pokes fun at Hammond's Turkish five cylinder engine.
    May: Special deal. For you my friend, today only, I throw in one extra cylinder.
  • One of the challenges is delivering fuel to a helicopter.
    Clarkson: There's a power vacuum now, foreign armies are pouring in, and it's our job to get this fuel to the nation's helicopter.
    Hammond: And then the villagers can be strafed.
    [Clarkson and May break down laughing.]
  • The final challenge is to shoot an AK-47 at various targets — two barn doors, a bus and paper targets of soldiers (known as Figure 11 targets) — from the back of their trucks. Clarkson doesn't fire rifles, because he's cross-eye dominant (right-handed but left eye dominant), so he usually uses a pistol. But he doesn't use a pistol here; he mounts an M2 .50 calibre to his truck.
    Clarkson: (Referring to May) The spaniel of war.
    • While arguing about missing the doors, but hitting the rest of the building:
      May: I hate to tell you this, but you haven't hit the doors, which are the target.
      Clarkson: How do you know I haven't hit the doors?
      May: Because there's no...
      [An ultralight plane crashes behind them.]
      Clarkson: Well, on that terrible disappointment - for him - time to get back to the tent.
      • James has the scores.
        James: Jeremy Clarkson: You fired 2,600 rounds. And the number of targets you hit was: One.
  • Jeremy and Richard decide the best truck of the three is the Ford. So they ask James his opinion, and James... wouldn't own a pickup.

    An Itchy Urus 
  • To test how the Lamborghini Urus does against a Porsche 911 on ice, Jeremy had a track plowed out of a frozen lake. Of course, Jeremy being Jeremy, it's shaped like a penis.
    Abbie: I've raced against a few dicks in my time, but never on one.

    Chinese Food for Thought 
  • The Brick Joke about the aircon breaking down in May's car, in the middle of one of China's hottest cities.
  • After visiting a museum dedicated to Chairman Mao, the boys stop to eat at a conveniently-located McDonald's, which they say is "paying their respect to Communism".
  • The show pulls a Bait-and-Switch with the They Killed Kenny Again trope by having Richard's Fulu roll all the way down a steep hill. Jeremy and James, as with every other instance of one of the presenters "dying" on this and Top Gear (UK), begin to talk about his "demise"... only for Richard to come over the radio, much to Clarkson's dismay.

     Well Aged Scotch 
  • James talks about how good his Lancia Gamma Coupe is ...and then one of the windscreen wipers breaks.

    From Sea to Unsalty Sea 
  • James May breaks Stalin's house.
  • In Georgia, the birthplace of wine, they find a spa where James May bathes in it. In Azerbaijan, the birthplace of oil, there is an equivalent spa where Jeremy Clarkson bathes in crude oil.

    Legends and Luggage 
  • The first part of the "Motorised Luggage" segment is literally just Jeremy ranting about the inconveniences at airports with Richard clearly looking like he wants to be anywhere but there.
    • Things only get more hilarious when they unveil their motorised suitcases, with Jeremy crashing into a sign, knocking a man into a sunglasses display, crashing into a stack of Toblerones, knocking over a table with drinks, and finally falling out one of the airport gates.

    Survival of the Fattest 
  • After James tells them how he dreamt of wine, Jeremy declares that he thought of a new name for the car: Rehab.

    Funeral for a Ford 
  • While Jeremy and James gush about the pure, unadulterated excitement they felt when their fathers came home in brand-new and very desirable Ford Cortinas, Richard meanwhile, goes ham on the new car his father brought home, a less-than-desirable Austin Allegro Estate... with a baseball bat, naturally.
    Hammmond, while smashing up the car: I've could've been great, I could've had dignity! Social standing, I could've mattered! But you! Came into my life!
    • Later, he does the same to one of the first MPVs introduced to Britain, the Toyota Picnic, which the three considered to be one of the factors for the falling sales of the Ford Mondeo.

Series 4

    Seamen 
  • The title of the episode.
  • The entire episode revolves around the trio going on a "boating trip" from Cambodia to the Mekong Delta in Vietnam. James and Richard hate boating.
    May: I signed up for a car show.
    Clarkson: Yes.
    May: Not cookery, not restoring frescoes and not boats.
    Hammond: I don't like boats. You can't trust a boat.
    May: That's exactly the right word.
    Hammond: You can't trust any vehicle that isn't necessarily where it was when you last parked it. Problem No. 1. They can sink. Cars can't do that.
  • Jeremy points out "one small problem" with the meeting point Mr. Wilman picked for them.
    [Camera pans around showing the river they are at has completely dried up and is filled with dozens of beached boats]
    Hammond: As I've said, I'm no expert on boats and boating. But...th-there's no water.
  • After they find a suitable lake to launch their boats, we finally get to see what they brought. Richard brings a Scarab speedboat christened Razzle Dazzle, Jeremy purchased a replica US Navy Patrol Boat, River or PBR, and James eventually arrives...in a 1930s era wooden hull riverboat.
    • Richard's Scarab is powered by 2 V8s for a total of 850 horsepower. Jeremy's PBR is also powered by 2 V8s for a total of 700 horsepower. James's antique? A 4-cylinder diesel with a grand total of...99 horsepower.
      Clarkson: What we've got is a Corvette, definitely (......) A Mercedes G-Wagon, which it is, and a Rover 90.
    • Predictably, none of them manage to dock without bashing into the pontoon several times.
  • Jeremy attempts a christening ceremony for his boat (since it's newly built). He ends up with an unbroken bottle of wine in his boat, which he seems very happy about.
  • James and Richard run into a world of issues right out of the gate. Due to how shallow the lake was, their props repeatedly snag onto fishing nets and their engines clog up with mud as they ground out on the lake bed. Jeremy, whose PBR is powered by water-jets instead of propellers, doesn't run into the same problems, leaving him to rescue both of them. Not before crashing into them a few times, naturally.
    Hammond: I [BLEEP] HATE BOATS!
    (......)
    [Jeremy arrives with James in tow, and turns on the siren on his PBR]
    Hammond: International Crap Rescue is coming.
  • While James is busy tying his boat to Jeremy's, Jeremy decides to film some "scenery", namely James and his plumber's crack.
  • This exchange:
    Clarkson (to himself): I wonder how many low-grade pornographical movies have been made on Hammond's boat. "Hey, you wanna come out rootin' and tootin'?"
    Clarkson: Hammond, how much semen have you found on that boat?
    Hammond: Please, I've tried to block the thought from my mind. Every su-is...Honestly, going below is like climbing into a teenager's sock.
  • It takes them a whole day just to reach the floating town of Pursat, which is on the same lake they started from. Famished, they check in at a guesthouse and sit down for some dinner, a sumptuous spread of dragonflies, crickets, water beetles, tarantulas and other local delicacies. Knowing that Richard is a Picky Eater, Jeremy orders some hard-boiled eggs for him to eat. Richard cracks one open and is unpleasantly surprised to find out that it's a Balut egg. Jeremy, who is chewing on insects like it's nothing, remarks that "may be beyond [his] line".
    • Later, they are shown to their rooms, which are right next to a very loud generator.
      Clarkson: It's impossible to think how this could be worse.
      [Loud music starts playing in the bar nearby]
      Hammond: And there it is.
    • Sure enough, morning arrives to reveal that none of them (not even the camera crew) had a wink of sleep.
      [The GT trio sits at a table, with sleep-deprived thousand-yard stares as Hammond eats out of a ration bag]
      [Rooster calls]
      Clarkson: That. That...4:26.
      Hammond: Yeah. Yup.
      Clarkson: 4:26. At midnight...2 A.M., music stops. And the dog-barking competition starts.
      May: Yeah.
      Clarkson: Till 4:26, cockerel starts.
      May: Yeah.
      Clarkson: Till 5, fishing boats go out.
      (......)
      Hammond: Why do we do this?
      Clarkson: This is a boating holiday.
      Hammond: Yeah. Brilliant.
      May: Life afloat. The glamour.
  • The three take one of their boats to shop for supplies in Pursat to make their trip more bearable. Unfortunately, the boat they chose was Jeremy's PBR, which was the largest and notoriously difficult to control at slow speeds.
    Clarkson: Well, do you have anything you want to buy from this shop? Cos we're arriving at it.
    [CRASH!]
  • James and Richard look for some sleeping pills, and Richard requests the shopkeeper for some that could knock out an elephant, by mimicking an elephant.
    May: Well, it could kill him.
    Hammond: That's what I mean.
    May: Oh, right, okay.
  • After leaving Pursat, Richard refuses to fire up his props after yesterday's fiasco. So, he asks a local fisherman to tow him along with his fishing boat. It ends up taking three of their boats just to match James's leisurely pace.
    Hammond: BO-O-O-ORED!
  • Jeremy feels pleased with himself for picking a PBR and not having to deal with the problems faced by his colleagues, and reaches the end of the lake first. But, he encounters a dense field of water weeds. His solution? "Call on [his] old friends: Speed and Power." He makes it a few yards before his water-jets get clogged up with weeds.
  • When they finally enter deeper water in the Tonlé Sap river, they get the chance to open their throttles, and you can't help but be amused at how enthusiastic Richard and Jeremy are being as they speed down the river...
    • ...then it cuts to James, living up to his nickname as usual.
  • Jeremy challenges Richard to a drag race to show off the superiority of jet boats. Richard wins by a fair margin. Jeremy then calls the drag race "ridiculous" in his voiceover.
    Clarkson: Ghastly little Brummie in his HMS Pornography!
  • James loses one of his cushions trying to catch up with the others, and ends up entertaining some locals while he unsuccessfully tries to retrieve it.
  • At Phnom Penh, they visit a local market to buy some luxuries to "make their lives onboard more comfortable". They get distracted by the display cases jammed packed full of quality watches with dramatically marked-down prices.
    • Jeremy buys a Jaguar belt and lets the shopkeeper keep the change. He then rants about foreigners haggling over cheap goods in local markets and insists they should just pay the price since it affects the shopkeepers more than it affects them. Cue Richard haggling over a $75 watch.
    • Richard approaches an electronics stall to buy "something for getting rid of flies" (presumably an electric flyswatter of some sort). The shopkeeper hands him a taser disguised as a torchlight. Hammond is so excited about it that his voice turns into wheezing.
    • Jeremy gets some deodorant from a shopkeeper and proceeds to spray the entire can into his armpit.
    Clarkson: Can I have another one for the other armpit?
  • Apparently, the Prime Minister of Cambodia is pretty finicky about how people address him.
    [The trio are admiring a government building from a rooftop bar.]
    Hammond: Is that where the Prime Minister hangs out?
    Clarkson: No, no, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't.
    Hammond: He's not there?
    Clarkson: No, don't call him Prime Minister.
    Hammond: Well, what is he, then?
    Clarkson: Well, weirdly, I was reading the Financial Times, and I've saved it. Hang on. Mr. Hun Sen, a ruler of 31 years, who insists on being referred to as quote "Lord Prime Minister and Supreme Military Commander". So, if you are referring to him, you must say, "Lord Prime Minister and Supreme Military Commander". His wife, Bun Rany, she is officially known as quote "Most glorious and upright person of genius".
  • Later that night in Phnom Penh, Jeremy and James sneak out with painting supplies while Richard is asleep. The next morning, we get to see their handiwork.
    Clarkson (voiceover): (......) We set off. And immediately it was hard to keep a straight face.
    Clarkson: We have played jokes on one another before, but I'm not sure we've ever pulled on as good as this. From where Richard Hammond is standing, he has no idea what James and I have done.
    [Camera cuts to Richard's boat, showing that it has been renamed Jizzle Drizzle]
  • James installs a drinks fridge in his boat. As they leave Phnom Penh, Jeremy and Richard accelerate away, causing his boat to rock in their wakes. The fridge opens and empties most of its contents into the inside of his boat.
  • Richard and Jeremy give a professional impression with their impeccable docking skills to the officials at both the Vietnamese border checkpoint...
    Hammond: We're experienced travellers passing through.
    Clarkson: Yeah, we were born in boats, really.
    • ...and Chau Doc.
      Hammond: Jeremy? You've now got my boat and I'm not on it!
      Clarkson: What?
      Clarkson: It's not tied on on that end?
      Hammond: No, it's come off!
      Clarkson: Why didn't you tie it on?
      Hammond: I thought I had!
      Clarkson: Oh, for God's sake. Your boat's got free, Hammond.
  • James eventually gives up trying to keep up with the other two and decides to try fishing. After setting up his fishing rod, it gets pulled overboard almost immediately.
  • On tonight's program about cars, I cook some Pho on a boat, Richard sits on a chair on a boat, and James makes boring noises from his mouth.
    Hammond: Erm...the...the car element of our car show is less than prominent...at the moment. Because we're on a boat talking about cooking.
    Clarkson: But in a minute...
    Hammond: Yes?
    Hammond: You're right.
    [Cuts to James, who is indeed, talking about some mechanical thing on a boat.]
    • When James catches up, at last, Jeremy had already dumped the leftover Pho soup in the wok into the river.
    Clarkson: Perfect timing, mate. We're leaving. We gotta go find the Mekong.
    May: Hang on, I thought we were having a Pho?
    Hammond: We did have one. It was brilliant.
    Clarkson: Yeah, sorry, I tried to save you some but Richard threw it in the river, literally threw your portion in the river.
    May: Well, thanks very much after my very arduous day.
  • As the trio try to make their way back onto the Mekong in the night, Jeremy leads them into a canal filled with water weeds.
    Clarkson: Any minute now, I'm under the boat, picking bits of lettuce out of my jets.
    • He then hires a local to ride along and clear his jets every time they get clogged up. Out of curiosity, he asks their translator why people were laughing at the name of his boat (Jeremy had christened it Du Ma at the beginning of the trip, which he assumed meant "Boat Machine" in Vietnamese). Giggling, the translator reveals that "Du Ma" has a similar pronunciation to "[BLEEP] your mother" in Vietnamese. Jeremy's reaction is priceless.
  • Back at Phnom Penh, Jeremy installed a toilet seat to the back of his PBR (just like the one installed on the Toyota Hilux pickup in the Top Gear Polar Special). Hilarity ensues as Jeremy uses it for the first time.
    Hammond: If he falls in and follows his own turd into the lavatory bowl...and emerges with it stuck to his head...
    May: Someone would say: "There's a particularly massive turd in the river this morning."
    [Jeremy is visibly struggling to get back onboard in the background]
  • On their way back to the Mekong, they stop at a floating market to buy some breakfast. Richard and James buy plenty of fruits and vegetables. Jeremy crashes into every vessel there, and decides to just leave empty-handed.
  • When they finally get back on the Mekong river, Jeremy realises that staying on it would lead them to the South China Sea, which meant that they spent the whole night looking for a river that they now have to turn off of.
    Hammond: Oh, this looks brilliant! Yeah, we're on another bloody canal! Oh, for God's sake.
    Clarkson: Hammond, if I still had .50 cals on the front of this, I promise I would open up on you right now.
    Hammond: Yes, well, you haven't, and there's a reason for that. Because you'd probably lose them the same way you lost the massive river. You'd lose your massive machine gun. It cannot be this way.
  • Jeremy gets his sat-nav dish knocked off going under a low bridge. Richard remarks sarcastically that they "lost the thing that got [them] lost".
  • Jeremy gets them lost trying to find the right way, and leads them to a small tidal pond. As the tide was going out, all three of them immediately get beached. They are stuck there for an entire day.
    Hammond: Well, this is crap, isn't it?
    • The GT trio decides to do a bit of Self-Deprecation.
      Clarkson: Guys, I've got my iPad, I can watch a movie. There's a show on Prime Video here, it's called The Grand Tour.
      Hammond: I don't like it.
      May: It's rubbish.
      Hammond: There's this one bloke on it I can't stand.
      (......)
      Hammond: What are the locals thinking right now about us? "They're making a movie and they've [BLEEP] it up completely."
  • When James and Richard fall behind (the latter because of a myriad of engine troubles), Jeremy speeds ahead and does a little history segment on the PBR, which is rudely interrupted when he gets caught in his own wake during a turn and beaches himself on the opposite bank.
    Clarkson: Right, what I've done is - there's no other word - I've crashed.
    [James arrives and spots Jeremy up on the bank]
    May: How have you done that?
    Clarkson: Ok, what happened was I came round this corner here, there was some school children swimming...and a shark was homing in for an attack. So, I ran the shark down...and then got stuck in my own wake. And it's just...Well, I've crashed now...But the school children are all fine.
  • Jeremy's Signing Off Catchphrase after all three crossed the South China Sea and survived.
    "And on that terrible disappointment... for Top Gear... it's time to say goodbye."

    A Massive Hunt 
  • James May's open top Caterham itself proves to be surprisingly good at handling the rough muddy terrain. Unfortunately, James himself gets absolutely caked in mud. When they reach the first hotel, he opts to simply faceplant into the swimming pool.
    Jeremy: Great. Now the pool's got a muddy dog in it!

Other

  • The videos on the YouTube channel where the team audition various replacement drivers for The American. Including a car thief who "will drive it like he stole it". Which he promptly does. These videos inevitably had one comment going "Does that mean he's not coming on then?"

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