open/close all folders
- The LP of Chrono Cross has plenty of hilarious moments, most of them brought about by his writing Serge as the Only Sane Man in the clusterfuck of Mind Screw and Gambit Pileup. Probably the best part of it, though, is Serge's interactions with ZOAH, who seems to have latched on to Serge like an awkward rookie cop and has somehow become this adorably awkward dork despite being a ridiculously large muscle-bound bruiser. One particular great moment:Serge: Stop Lynx from doing...what exactly? What? I honestly have absolutely no idea why I should give a crap about that prick anymore. Not a clue! Zoah, do you know?
ZOAH: HE IS A BAD MAN!
Serge: ...Why do I even talk to you?
ZOAH: I AM A GOOD LISTENER.
- Upon Zoah's suggestion that Another World Norris join the party, despite Home World Norris already being in the party:Serge: No... No, Zoah... We already HAVE a Norris. We cant get another one. We cant even keep track of the one we already have. This is far too much responsibility having two! I mean...what are we going to call the second Norris? Have you thought about this? What happens when both Norris...es are in the room? Huh?
ZOAH: I HAD NOT CONSIDERED THE POSSIBILITY. WE COULD ASSIGN NAME TAGS.
Serge: Name tags...?! They are literally the same person! Not virtually identical... Not clones... It is the same exact guy times two! Im not sure why the universe hasnt exploded with them being in the same room together. But, name tags would not work. What next?! Do we make one of the Norrises put on blackface and we start calling him black Norris? Is that what you are proposing, Zoah? Blackface Norris?!
- Zoah just has a lot of these, really. No wonder the LP thread turned him into an Ensemble Dark Horse.Serge: So are we like in the future now? Or is this another dead timeline where everyone was doomed to a fate of being shadows that only spout exposition?
ZOAH: A GRIM FATE.
Serge: Eh? I thought youd be all about the grim dark future, Roadwarrior?
ZOAH: NONSENSE. I ADVOCATE GOING GREEN AND A BRIGHTER, CLEANER FUTURE FOR THE CHILDREN OF THE TOMORROW.
Serge: Tch...whatever. That tin can of yours recycled too?
ZOAH: YES. IT IS 100% PROCESSED RECYCLED MATERIAL.
Serge: Oh...uhh... I really wasnt expecting that... Uhh...well... Good for you...
ZOAH: I DO MY PART FOR THE ENVIRONMENT.Serge: You can't make fun of a jester... That...well, it just doesn't work, kiddo... Go steal Zoah's helmet or something.
Marcy: Nah... I like tried that once and stuff already.
Serge: Oh yeah...? What was under there...?
Marcy: You're like totally lookin' at it. Geez.
Serge: (Beat) ...I don't follow.
ZOAH: WEATHER IN EL NIDO CAN BE ERRATIC. I LIKE TO DRESS IN LAYERS.Serge: Alright, Harle, let's practice fire safety this time, yeah?
Harle: Oui, Monsieur Lynx. Je vous promets.
Serge: I understood like one word of that. But, I'll take that as a yes. Just no starting fires, okay?
ZOAH: OUI. LA SÉCURITÉ INCENDIE EST IMPORTANT.
Serge: Zoah, if that blue robot wasn't so idiotic looking and the dream chef wasn't a cannibal you would be so out of the A-team right now...ZOAH: ACTUALLY, THIS MAN IS NOT LYNX!
Serge: Zoah... You do not actually have to tell everyone that... Especially, ass clowns we are going to kick the crap out of anyway... In fact, it's better they DON'T know who I am to leave the element of surprise. Aren't you like... supposed to be some elite soldier? Shouldn't you know this stuff?
ZOAH: THIS CONCEPT OF SURPRISE IS UNFAMILIAR TO ME.Serge: Welp...at least we got today's stupidest thing I've ever seen out of the way early. You guys wanna go grab some lunch?
ZOAH: I COULD GO FOR A SALAD AND A LATTE.
- And finally, there's the verbal smackdown delivered to the Dwarf King.Dwarf king: Is there no land on this planet where we can live in peace? Oh, Goddess of Fate, why are we dealt such a hand...
Kid: Yer mob literally just commit ethnic cleansin'. You seriously ain't trying to act sympathetic are ya? I just recovered from me death bed. I really don't wanna get sent back for my eyes rollin' outta my head.
Dwarf king: Are humans really the greatest species on this planet? These heretics of evolution, these destroyers of the planet?... Ugh...
Kid: Seriously, pal. You were just smashin' about with a soddin' smog spewing tank. I don't think that thin' popped outta damn turnip patch.
Dwarf king: Silence human. We are the ones dying! It is entirely your fault for having driven us out of our incredibly toxic swamp that was only being held together by a load-bearing monster from turning into an uninhabitable quagmire! Don't you see? You greedy humans and your wrecking of the environment caused us to mercilessly butcher another peaceful race so we could move into their much more vibrant and hospitable land to turn it into our new industrial stronghold. You monsters! Hi-ho!
Serge: Seriously, you're as sympathetic as the shit I took this morning. Have fun hi-hoing in hell.
- Serge after waking up from a dream where he kills Kid.Serge: Welp, that's an uncomfortable dream to wake up from with morning wood...
- The bar tab ending:Dark Serge: MY SPLEEN!
ZOAH: INCORRECT, SIR.
Dark Serge: WAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!
ZOAH: THIS IS YOUR SPLEEN.
- Serge's homecoming after the... incident at Fort Dragonia.Serge: Welp, mom... You know how you're always saying I should get out of the house and do something with my life...? LOOK WHAT HAPPENED WHEN I LISTENED TO YOU!!!
- His footnote about Skelly the Clown's Japanese name.Likewise, poor Skelly is just called "Skull". Who the hell would hire Skull the Clown?
- Fourth Wall? WHAT fourth wall?Chief Direa: ...Do you speak the truth? Hmm, I see... So that's why you have an odd air about you. As for a way to return to your original world, I do not know. But there are always reasons why such phenomena occur...
Serge: There wouldn't be a plot otherwise...?
Chief Direa: You say that as though there is one right now...Fargo: You said you were headin' to Fort Dragonia to go after Viper and his men. Let me give ya some advice. Mount Pyre is a fiery hell. Without any protection against fire, you'll lose strength fast.
Serge: How fast are we talking here?
Fargo: Lower Norfair without a Varia Suit fast.
Serge: Crap...Riddel: [Kid's] spirit seems to be possessed by the past. A powerful item is necessary in order to dispel it.
Serge: And how did you figure that one out...?
Riddel: I am just reading what is on the script.
- Due to the game's Loads and Loads of Characters, not all of them see much usage (if any). So when the ending rolls around, and each character says their farewells:Neofio: Bye-bye, Serge... Take good care! Iph you come across a phlower somewhere, remember me!
Serge: ... Have we met...?Van: Good-bye, Serge. We'll probably never see each other again. I won't be sad... Well, maybe just a little bit... Sniff...
Serge: Who *are* you...?Sprigg: Wot an adventure! 'Twas just wot I expected. I think it's about time I retired in peace. So long, Serge!
Serge: Geez... how many of these people have I forgotten all about...?
- At the very, VERY end of the LP, there's one final interaction between Serge and ZOAH that's a mix of Funny and Heartwarming:ZOAH: THE END. <SNIFFLE>
Serge: Aren't you gonna fill up that tin can of yours with snot if you get all emotional now...?
ZOAH: WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?! WHO IS GETTING EMOTIONAL? SURELY YOU ARE NOT SPEAKING OF ME?!
Serge: Uh-huh... Well, whatever... That was some *dumb* shit...
ZOAH: IT HAD ITS MOMENTS.
Serge: Yeah, and so does looking at porn on the Internet. Too bad this adventure shot its load about twenty hours ago and we've been spending the rest of the time closing pop-up ad windows and wiping up with a tissue.
ZOAH: I FIND YOUR ANALOGY TO BE IN CRUDE TASTE.
Serge: Which is why I'm not gonna make anymore. Come on...let's go get a beer.
ZOAH: I THOUGHT YOU WERE UNDERAGED?
Serge: Pfft... That flamer Lynx mighta stolen my body, but he didn't nab my fake I.D. C'mon, Megaphone. First round is on me...
- Upon Zoah's suggestion that Another World Norris join the party, despite Home World Norris already being in the party:
Clock Tower 3
- The Dark Id starts out by mentioning that the game's director, Kinji Fukasaku of Tora! Tora! Tora! and Battle Royale fame, died shortly after contributing to Clock Tower 3.Other than one scene in a sequel to Battle Royale, this was his final work...
This game killed Kinji Fukasaku...
On that ominous note, let us begin...
- The entirety of the Dark Gentlemen Collection: Whimsical Children's Bedtime Poems.
- One of the main character's crippling flaws:Oh yes, she does have one more ability at her disposal: Mind Numbingly Politeness. To the point she will not enter areas barred off with a "Do Not Enter" sign because that wouldn't be proper. Case in point, the surly fellow who just felt her up and insinuated her mother is dead still qualifies for "gentleman" status.
- There's different outfits available in a wardrobe for Alyssa, including a denim cowgirl getup (sans shirt), medieval armor (sans pants), and...Finally, we have a leather hooker outfit, complete with knee high boots, fishnets, and hot 14-year-old A-cup cleavage.
(a whole row of horrified emoticons)
...Right, then. Blazer and short skirt it is. I'd like to note that she hasn't been home in three years... She's had these clothes since she was eleven...
- The Mind-Numbingly Politeness rears its ugly head.The Dark Id: Alyssa eventually makes her way to the entrance.
Sign: Entry by Invitation only - The Management
The Dark Id: Uh-huh. Sure. Moving right along...
Sign: Entry by Invitation only - The Management
The Dark Id: ...I said moving right along.
Sign: Entry by Invitation only - The Management
Alyssa: I don't have an invitation. That wouldn't be proper. Barging in like that. You Americans have no manners.
The Dark Id: That's right... There's no magical seal or locking sound when attempting to open the door. Just a flier saying you need an invitation and Alyssa's refusal to go further... The fuck is wrong with you Brits?!
- After our heroine subdues a sledgehammer-wielding brute with a firm shove:So, he runs around with a massive sledgehammer. Had no problem smashing a flying chair into splinters in mid-air. But a skinny teenage girl tackling him sends the guy packing? And this is one of the better villains in the game...
Alyssa returns to the concert hall, questioning whether she's tapped into superhuman strength or is just being chased by an unbelievable pussy. The answer will be decidedly dumb.
- After a file gives a summary of the story's premise:So a secret sect of magical teenage girls have been locked in an eternal struggle with evil ghost serial killers for centuries?
I did just read that right...?
Really? Other people read that too?
I'm going to bed......
- Alyssa and Dennis talk about what's going on.Alyssa: There's a plot? I came home to see my mom and sort of got sidetracked from there.
Dennis: How sidetracked could you possibly be in a mid-sized inn?
Alyssa: I ended up in World War II with a serial killer and ghosts and discovered my magic archery skills.
Dennis: ...You could have just told me it was none of my business if you didn't want to tell me. I'm not that gullible.
- The Dark Id has to take a moment and boggle at the level design, after a secret passage leading down from a bedroom on a building's second floor turns out to lead directly into the fireplace below.
- Chapter 14 shows a rather convoluted process, involving time travel, to recover film that helps Alyssa find a switch hidden behind a picture hanging on a wall.Very fucking good! Twenty minutes of backtracking, four files, one fully narrated at that... All could have been avoided if Alyssa just looked under the fucking picture frame here... I hate this game...
- During the boss fight against Corroder, Alyssa summons Bahamut to help unleash her ultimate attack, but...Alyssa: Where's the effeminate scream? I feel shortchanged.
Corroder: I'm still okay.
Alyssa: You had a bolt of holy energy shot straight from the heavens onto your head and you are OKAY?!
Corroder: I mean, it stung. But, I've had worse. Acid baths. Ouch.
The Dark Id: Alyssa dings away at him with a few more weak arrows. Grumbling about how her super attack has been rendered less than effective by just the second boss fight.
- When Alyssa finds a crowbar in the mines in Part 20, The Dark Id wonders who left it there before shrugging that no one else is going to need it. Cut to Gordon Freeman fighting a horde of headcrab zombies, using his last bullet, and discovering that his iconic backup weapon is missing...
- During the scene when Dick murders Alyssa's father Philip:Philip: What are you doing, Dick?!
Dick: Living up to my name!
- And after finding a file in which Grandpa Dick spells out his plan to evade arrest for Philip's murder:"Officer, he was just sitting on the balcony, like the retched waste of rabble flesh he is, when, through his own idiocy that he never EVER fails to display, tumbled off onto the axe below. No doubt the gravitational pull of his huge, empty ugly head drew him to it. Did us all a favor, if you ask me. Now the Hamilton family can continue unabated in its timeless quest of battling the ghosts of serial killers throughout time. Why are you looking at me like that? Why is your partner pulling out his handcuffs?! I tell you! I'm innocent! Think of the ROODERS!!!"
- Pondering the graveyard of doomed Rooders.So... is it only on the date of one's fifteenth birthday that this whole ritual can fly? Or the entire year of being fifteen? If the former... How the hell can all of those girls earlier managed to have gotten themselves killed on their birthday? None of them could have just stayed in a closet all day or taken a trip out of town? It's like it's an eternal struggle between retarded children and even more retarded killers.
- The mighty Chopper can be evaded by breaking into his home and ducking behind a curtain. Or in other words, "Chopper is helpless to track down Miss Hamilton behind its impenetrable veil. I repeat... He cannot find the girl hiding in his own house..."
- Why does the puzzle involving the elemental-themed Rooder Stones deserve an F-Bomb MIRV?You can only carry one FUCKING stone at a FUCKING time. At no other time in the FUCKING game do they pull any sort of FUCKING inventory restriction malarkey. In fact, Alyssa is currently carrying eight FUCKING bottles of Lavender water, four FUCKING Sigil stones, three FUCKING invisibility bands, and enough FUCKING arrows to break FUCKING Legolas' FUCKING gay elf back! To make no mention that you can still easily be carrying the huge ass compass thing from earlier.
BUT ONLY ONE FUCKING STONE AT A TIME!
(wall of Angry Fist Shakes)
Oh, and don't even think you can just set the things on the ground in order to collect the next one. Oh no.
You need to go all the way back to the start to plop one down before you can grab the next.
- After freeing the Rooder Spirits from an eternity of interpretive dance:Rooder Spirit: Those years of intense Rooder training must have been invaluable in your fight.
Alyssa: Rooder training?
Rooder Spirit: Why, of course. Weren't you schooled in your magical abilities and archery skills?
Alyssa: ...I sort of didn't know I was this Rooder thing until this morning.
Rooder Spirit: ...What?
Alyssa: Well, it was actually more like mid-afternoon. Maybe early evening. Heck, I killed my first Subordinate just sort of winging it.
Rooder Spirit: ...
Rooder Spirit: ...
Rooder Spirit: ...This is bullshit. I'm out of here.
- Things take a turn when Alyssa and Dennis enter the hospital level.Only to get steamrolled by a speeding hospital gurney...
Yes, a hospital gurney that suddenly has a cackling gay albino clown Scissorman riding it.
Oh Jesus, they're both riding it now!
And the Scissorman is not wearing pants!
And Dennis is freaking the fuck out!◊
And the clown twins are lovin' this shit!
- "I think this◊ is the official look of anyone playing, watching, or vaguely experiencing Clock Tower 3."
- After the flamboyant albino clowns kidnap one of our leads:Alyssa: Dennis... you're on your own because Jesus Christ...
- "There's not much going on in this room. Other than the level design giving another excuse for Alyssa to drop on all fours again. Clock Tower 3: The Underaged Girl Crawling Simulator."
- Alyssa is able to evade the Scissorman by finding a place of safety in a bathroom stall.Well, the safest place for her, at least.
(low angle close-up shot of the pants-less Scissorman's crotch)
(low angle close-up shot of the pants-less Scissorman's ass)
...is not so lucky.
- In chapter 27, on the issue of imprisoning people in a kitchen:One of the bars in the kitchen, you say. I'm not going to even get into how idiotic it would be to imprison people in a kitchen. What dwells in a kitchen?
[picture of frying pans]
[picture of kitchen knives]
[picture of Gordon Ramsay]
Goddamn Chef Gordon Ramsay.
Any of these three things could be easily used to murder the shit out of the skinny carnie villains of the day. To spoil a bit further into the stage, there's an actual dungeon. But, they decided to use the kitchen for their holding cell and put upward of ten people in it. Ten plus against a force of presumably the Scissortwins and a butler. Was this a village populated by quadriplegics or the French?
- Alyssa finds another page of Dick's journal, describing his search for clues about how to ritualistically murder his granddaughter, which he still feels conflicted about:"In retrospective, I should probably have spent my twilight years with my family and not wandering about figuring out inventive ways to murder them. Also, I should likely stop writing journals implicating me in murder."
- Upon finding a portrait of Lord Burroughs clearly based on Napoleon Crossing the Alps:Oh hey... it's a poorly photoshopped painting of Napoleon... I am playing a game that uses crappy photoshops as a narrative tool... It's like I've come full circle into some sort of twisted self parody...
- His reaction to the game's ham-fisted insistence on referring to Dick Hamilton/Brown as "Dick" in dramatic instances when "dick" is shorthand for the far less Narm-y sounding "Richard." Especially when he learns his name is in fact, Dick Brown.The oddity of the males taking the Hamilton name aside...Dick Brown...? The man's name is Dick Brown? Does he have a cousin named Penis von Fecal? Your name is Richard, you moron!
- When a film projector spontaneously shows the Scissortwins preparing to execute a certain spaz:It displays grainy footage of the Scissortwins 'tarding out while Dennis is trapped in a bladed pendulum death trap. Maybe I was wrong about these two. They might turn out alright after all.
Even Alyssa is on board with this latest turn of events.◊
- It's pretty hard to work out our villain's thought process as he comes up with his evil plan.Dick: Entity, was everything your doing?
The Dark Id!Dick: Is it all because of you?! Since, I'm going to feel very foolish if that Book of Entities was just a bunch of fictional rot written by some madman and I've wasted the last three years.
Dick: Do you want me to resurrect Lord Burroughs after 400 years?
The Dark Id!Dick: Do you want me to come up with more wild, baseless conjecture based on a text that was literally five pages long?! Do you!? I can go on! Entity, do you really want me to take on the role of Natalya Hamilton following Lord Burroughs' resurrection? Must I masquerade as her to appease your will, Entity?! Is that what you want?!
Dick: To unite us, and to enact the Ritual of Engagement with Alyssa's blood?!
The Dark Id: How did Dick go from 'do you want me to resurrect Lord Burroughs' to 'do you want me to become Lord Burroughs' in the same rant? How did we even get to this conclusion, other than him happening to have the same last name as an obscure son of the guy and the first letters (assuming we go solely by Dick's nickname) of Alyssa, Nancy, and Dick being the same as the ancestors of a similar scenario? Why am I even trying to figure this out...?
- "Oh, and just to drive the point home, Lord Burroughs has vanished from the painting. I think it's an improvement. It's no longer a poor photoshop of Napoleon, but a painting of a badass horse ruining people's shit. An image I can put my seal of approval on."
- His perfect summary of the game's Idiot Plot:The bad guys are making no effort to chase Alyssa. She can literally just walk out the front door and be done with things. She can thwart the entire evil plan of her grandfather by just hanging out in an arcade playing Street Fighter 3 for the duration of her birthday.
The entire plot hinges on Alyssa being too fucking stupid to just leave.
- Alyssa calls upon an Ion Cannon to help put down the Scissorman.
- Dick's claim that the Hamilton family mansion was built where Lord Burroughs' clock tower stood is immediately debunked, based on evidence from the very same game.The Dark Id: This is not a plot twist, retards. This is not even paying attention to your own shitty plot!
- Even Dennis the spaz can work out how stupid the villains' plan is. Because if the Ritual of Engagement relies on killing a Rooder on her fifteenth birthday, and Alyssa didn't know anything about Rooders and Entities until that afternoon, and had a positive view of her grandfather before going on her adventure...Dennis: So... If your grandfather had simply shown up at your house and greeted you warmly, you'd probably be perfectly well off spending the day with him. Knowing nothing of his evil plots or whatever is going on, yes?
Alyssa: Y-Yes... I suppose so.
Dennis: So why in the bloody hell wouldn't he just act like the friendly grandfather you've always known, up until midnight. Then he could just waltz over and murder you when you least expect it with absolutely no problem. Why go to all this trouble with blowing up houses and clock towers and those clowns and whatever else?
Alyssa: I-I don't know... I'm sure there's a perfectly good reason... No, look. Stay here!
The Dark Gentleman: I've made a huge mistake...
- His reaction to one of Alyssa's... odd facial expressions in the cutscenes before the final battle.The Dark Id: And as a last bid for escape, Alyssa drops an epic steamer.
- When Dick becomes possessed by Lord Burroughs in the form of a pirate, and Alyssa gains a toga because "this game really needed a few more bizarre fetish plot points:"
- Graphing the difficulty of the game's boss fights.◊The Dark Id: A collective "fuck you" to the developers who thought that anyone who endured this much retarded bullshit should come up against a brick wall of a final boss, at the very last section of the game.
- The Dark Id prefers to believe that Alyssa scooped up her mom's petrified, broken-off head, lobbed it at Lord Burroughs, and knocked the sucker off the clock tower, to what actually happens, i.e. she summons a Deus ex Machina sword, stabs Burroughs in the jewels, and he falls off that way.
- Dumping a lot of Fridge Horror on what's presented as a happy ending:Alyssa: Mum... We did it. We did it, Mum!
The Dark Id: Yep, kiddo. Congratulations! You defeated your grandfather and stopped the Ritual of Engagement. Too bad your mom is still dead, your house exploded, and you did nothing to stop the actual Entities from just possessing some more pricks and continuing their killing sprees. But, you murdered your grandfather and that's all that counts. Enjoy being a homeless orphan. I'm sure the sanitarium will greet you with open arms, after what you just went through.
- Drakengard has a somewhat contrived way of setting up the pact between Caim and the dragon.So, if I am to understand the order of events:
- The Union controlled this castle.
- The Empire showed up. There was a big battle, as previously shown.
- The Empire managed to break the Union's lines and break into the castle.
- HOLY SHIT! Dragon out of fucking nowhere!
- The Imperial forces fought and subdued the dragon.
- The Empire buggers off inside the castle and burns banners and raids the fridge and such.
- Caim shows up.
Well, it's best not to think too hard on it.
- Establishing the relationship between our leads.Caim: Holy shit, dragons can talk?!
Dragon: Holy shit, the hairless monkeys can think?! Color me surprised.
- The dragon offers to fly and confirm whether or not the elven village has been destroyed, but no one listens to her so tedious gameplay gets to happen. She eventually gets fed up with Inuart constantly yapping about the fate of the elf settlement.Dragon: I already told you the village has fallen. I heard a voice from one of the elves residing there. They said:
Elf: Oh god stop stabbing me no...! Stop stabbing me! Nooo what are you doing?! What is he doing? No... NO! Not the bees! AUUUUUUGGGGGHHHH! They're in my eyes! My eyes! AURGHAFFFA!!!
Dragon: It just became unpleasant after that.
- Foreshadowing some unwelcome revelations:Dragon: What think you of your sister's purity? She is the goddess, yet still a woman.
Caim: Are you calling my sister a whore?
Dragon: I was suggesting nothing of the sort. Merely, I feel you should loo-
Caim: 'cause this one prick back in Caerleon once suggested something like that. Let's just say the amount of damage a tea cup can inflict shouldn't be underestimated.
Dragon: Why do I even bother talking to you?
- A pretty good summary of our main character's outlook.Verdelet: Caim. Do you wish to kill the entire Empire alone? Such a frightful ambition.
Caim: No. My goal was just to kill as many as possible... before I had a fire-breathing dragon. I've merely altered my goals accordingly.
Dragon: There will be no end if you try to crush them all. Enough!
Caim: But if I don't crush them all they'll just keep coming! That's a Catch-22 or something right there. One which either way requires wanton bloodshed in... my favor. Score one for the Caim.
- How does an insane elven Child Eater join the party?Caim: A bloodthirsty chick just tried to tear my throat out. I think I'm in love.
- After Verdelet gives an unwarranted Captain Obvious comment... or, rather, the latest in a long string of them:Caim: See what I mean. Hes telling us how a pact works.
Dragon: <strains voice> "Caaaaaaiiim! You can inhale aaaaaair and process it with a straaaaange mechanism known as luuuuuuungs! With this daaaaaark proceeeeesssssss you can perform the aaaaaaancient rite known as breeeeaaaathing!"
Caim: Hehe. Let me try. "Caaaaaaaiim! By puuuuuuting ONE foot forward THEN the oooooootheeeeer you will be able to TRAAAANSPOOOORT yourself. They caaaaaall this dark gift WALKING!"
- Eventually the dragon stops beating around the bush and outright tells Caim that Furiae wants to bang him. Caim is understandably reluctant to accept this.Dragon: I'm not joking, Caim. I've read her thoughts. Seen into her soul. She lusts for you, Caim. That is why she rejected Inuart. That is why he turns on you. You cannot deny her feelings forever.
Caim: I think I'd know if my sister wanted to rock my bones, okay. Stop jumping to nasty incest conclusions. Inuart is a pansy that probably has a petrified dragon in his pants the size of my pinky. Plus she's the goddess. That's all there is to it.
Dragon: No, Caim. Honestly. I can read her mind. Her spank bank is filled wi-
Caim: Hey look I haven't killed that guy over there let's go check that out! Yeah? YEAH!
- During the big battle in Chapter 5, as Verdelet asks where Furiae is, this scene happens.Union Spy: Kind sir, I've been working from within the foul Imperial ranks for years now gathering a small resistance in secret! I have vital news involving the Goddess' location! My allies within our network report the Goddess has been mo-
Caim: Oooh. Yeah, I see lots of little pieces. That's one for the highlight reel.
- When The Empire prepares to unleash their Fantastic Nuke.
- Really, all of Caim's interactions with Inuart post-FaceHeel Turn are drop-dead hilarious. From squicking out
Legnathe Black Dragon to taking relentless potshots at his manhood, Caim and Angelus do everything in their power to systematically destroy every last ounce of Inuart's dignity.The Red Dragon: Inuart! Caim can no longer speak, but he says you are a creepy little worm. Granted, he can't speak it but he's thinking the same thing we are all thinking.
Inuart: Silence! My love for Furiae will ring from the heavens.
The Black Dragon: Kid, I gotta be honest. The whole unconscious girlfriend ride thing before was really uncomfortable.
The Red Dragon: I bet the little pervert was harder than one of your scales the entire trip.
The Black Dragon: Oh... Oh god! Do not put that mental image into my head. Urgh...
- The Dark Id points out that "the list of characters in fiction that get their ass handed to them by a six-year-old girl has got to be remarkably small. Inuart stands proudly among the ranks of those beaten up by a preschooler."
- Revelations during another boss battle against Inuart:Dragon: You were only friends with him so he'd carry your unused inventory?
Caim: Well, duh. Why do you think we picked up the blind weirdo when Inuart got taken off?
Dragon: Speaking of taking off... Does... he have Furiae's body...?
Caim: Does he have WHAT?! Oh... that creepy little fucker!
Caim: Sorry, sis. Looks like I can only afford a cremation.
Dragon: That was in poor taste...
Caim: Will you just incinerate that slimy asshole before he starts dry-humping her corpse or something!
Dragon: As you wish...
- Caim confuses the Wyrm dragon's tail with something else, and is baffled when Red explains that it also gave birth to the dragonspawn surrounding it.Dragon: If you really want to know, and by some miracle we survive this, go ask your old friend Inuart. I'm sure he would have an interesting story to share.
Caim: ...Let's just kill this thing and never speak of this conversation again.
Dragon: You're the one that broug-
Caim: Never. Speak. Of. It. AGAIN.
- Fighting a fifty-foot six-year-old.Dragon: Caim! Remember our pact! You cannot die!
Caim: <snort> Do we really have to pretend this is a final boss that can be taken seriously?
Dragon: Stop breaking the fourth wall, Caim!
Caim: Can any of you out there take this thing seriously? I mean COME ON!
Dragon: Put a lid on it and let us finish this thing. However silly it may be.
Caim: Seriously... I can't believe THIS is the canon ending. This is how we're going to move into Drakengard 2...
- When Arioch finally has a line of dialogue during the fight to reach the sea fortress, Caim has completely forgotten who she is.Caim: Who the hell was that?
Dragon: Arioch. The elf woman.
Dragon: Back in the Imperial Gaol. In the desert.
Dragon: Has a taste for child murder.
Caim: Oh! That crazy broad that tried to bite me? The hell is she doing here?
Dragon: She's been with us ever since that encounter.
Caim: ...Who the hell's idea was that? Was it Verdelet? God, I hate that guy.
Dragon: It was yours, Caim.
Caim: ...I've got to start paying more att-Oh! Look at those boats! Let's torch 'em.
- More jabs at Drakengard 2.Caim: Ooh! Tell [Verdelet] if Furiae and Inuart were to enter the Seeds together the best he could hope to produce would be an effeminate mullet-sporting nancy boy that was so gay everyone would see him and just go "no way!"
Dragon: Come on, Caim. No need to stoop to notions so childish. That's just absurd.
- Pretty much everything about the Goddess boss fight. From the pre-fight cutscene ("SWEET ZOMBIE JESUS FUCKING H. CHRIST!!!!") to Caim and Angelus's Sarcasm Failure to "Butterholyfuckwhatiswrongwitheverythingbelowtheneck", the whole thing just takes the piss out of how ridiculous the plot just became.Caim: Not that I can speak or anything... But words cannot express the feeling of "what the fuck" I am feeling at the moment...
Dragon: Would you like me to express it for you?
Caim: No... No I don't think that would help... Let's just... Let's just kill this... thing...
- Caim's still bad at keeping track of party members.Arioch: Nothing to eat! Nothing at all!
Caim: I liked those two better when they didn't say much...
Dragon: At least the boy is quiet.
Caim: What boy...?
Dragon: The one with the giant golem.
Caim: Holy shit! That kid is still following us?!
- After Leonard claims to have received a vision showing where Furiae's been taken, Caim asks a very astute question: if "Lenny" is blind from his pact, and never saw Furiae before that...Caim: All this wacky "vision" crap aside... How the hell does he know what Furiae looks like?
Dragon: ...Well. ...That is a good question.
Caim: I'm going to kick that guy in the skull if he's wasted my time and led us to the Imperial lunch lady or something.
- The mission to kill Imperial Child Soldiers leaves some party members conflicted, others, less so...Fairy: Such a soft-hearted one, aren't you, Leonard? Hehehe! Oh yes, soft-hearted indeed. But what's this? What's this?! Ooooh. Lookie look! Other parts of Leonard are getting harder. I wonder why? Heheh. Seems preeeeeeetty strange. Hahaha.
Leonard: I cannot... I cannot raise my weapon against such children.
Fairy: At least not with the one you're holding in your hand right now. Ohohoho.
Caim: Alright, I'm done with this. I'm stopping.
Caim: Well, yeah... You see anyone left to greet my blade?
Dragon: ...I see. Very thorough...
Caim: It doesn't even feel like work when you enjoy it.
- Arioch's really keen to go to the children the Empire has been tossing overboard...Dragon: That woman... she does not seek to help the children.
Leonard: What do you mean? I can see Arioch in the distance. She's pulling them out of the wa- (beat) Oh... oh god! OH GOD!
- Seere's sudden kidnapping leaves the leads bemused.Caim: ...
Caim: Dragon, did a gryphon just swoop down and eat the kid? Did I see something that retarded or is all just a bad fever dream as I bleed out back at the castle?
Dragon: I often wish that were the case, Caim...
- When rescuing Seere from the Coliseum:Caim: ...
Goblin: Well, out with it, man!
Caim: Dragon, say it for me.
Dragon: No, Caim. I shall not.
Caim: Come on, it's a good one liner!
Dragon: "My name is Caim and its killing time" is not a good one liner. Im embarrassed to just repeat it aloud to you.
Caim: Dammit, dragon! Youre ruining this for me!
- And then comes the part where Caim gets a glowing sword that shoots lightning from the sky when he holds it up:Dragon: What, Caim? Not going to quote He-Man now?
Caim: Dragon, please. He-Man was gay as shit. I wouldn't be caught dead quoting that crap.
Dragon: Good. At least you have some tas-
Caim: Thunder... Thunder!
Dragon: Oh good grief...
Caim: Thunder Cats! HOOOOOOOO!
Dragon: My shame being in a pact with you grows with each passing hour...
- When the world is officially Fucked and cast members are dropping left and right...Seere: Did Leonard die?
Seere: Was it my fault?
Seere: Was it because of me?
Caim: Yes! YES! YES! This is ALL your fault! If I ever find a way to go back in time I'm gonna go six-and-a-half years into the past and punch your mother in the friggin' uterus.
Dragon: That is fairly harsh, Caim...
(shot of grinning Grotesqueries◊)
Dragon: ...Though not without warrant.
- The Dark Id sums up Ending E with a defeated sigh of "Drakengard."Well... That was Drakengard. The grand mixing bowl of all that is horrible in the world, smeared with ample amounts of "what the fuck" and iced with a fine layer of top notch trolling. I hope you kids all enjoyed this bumpy ride.
I sure didn't...
- Early in Drakengard 2, when Nowe spends a cutscene dramatically jumping from a rooftop onto his dragon, The Dark Id engages in some wishful thinking.As the blue dragon approaches, Nowe leaps from the top of the castle to make a very impre-
...Oh dear. Welp, maybe that Caim fellow is having a better time adventuring. Let's go check on him, shall we...?
- Drakengard's lurid weapon stories are back, and while the first gives some background for the main character, the next...Welp. Second weapon story in and we've got the original owner of the spear was raped and murdered as well as an entire village slaughtered. Never change, Cavia.
- Nowe's idiocy is a recurring theme for the LP, but at least provides some humor too.Nowe: By the way, Eris. What are the districts, exactly?
Eris: You honestly do not know this? Our job description is literally to defend them at all cost... How do you not know this!? Indeed, we grew up together! We're the same age... We went to the same school! How on earth can I possibly be more knowledgeable about this than you?
- And then there's his misplaced sympathy for some Asshole Victims...Nowe: They're not proud martyrs! Look how terrified they are! The knights are just forcing the weak and dispossessed to be sacrificial victims!
Eris: Okay... seriously, Nowe... Did you not recall the war between the Union and the Empire? These people are from the Empire... They literally tried to destroy the world. Murdered the previous Goddess. Destroyed the old Seals... Slaughtered over half the western half of the continent's population... Rape, pillaged and plundered their way across the lands... You are honestly not defending these people...?! There were entire mass trials following the war. General Oror was on the judgment committee! The options were this fate or... immediate execution for their many, many, many crimes against humanity. The ones here chose it rather than face the gallows. Again, it was only 18 years ago... I am fairly certain any veterans of that war would cut you down for this talk...
- Meeting Zhangpo.Nowe: Is this one of the lieutenants who guards the districts?
Eris: HOW DO YOU NOT KNOW THESE THINGS?!
- When a certain character from the first game returns for the second:...Lady Manah? Manah?! Lalalalala MANAH!? NOBODY LOCKED UP MANAH!?!?! I know she was like six years old but holy shit, you do not let the former avatar of a pissy, world ending god keep running around unchecked!
(Manah and Nowe lock eyes during a cutscene) Well, it seems someone grew up in-between games. This isn't gonna be awkward or anything.
Oh wait... Mysterious woman...connection to the original game...carrying a staff like the one we picked up before... Oh hell! She is gonna be Nowe's terrible JRPG love interest, isn't she...?
- After "Lady Manah" volunteers to enter a shrine in some sacrifices' place, the scene fades to black with an "A few hours later" caption.If I am to understand that previous scene, Manah and her groupies' job was just to run into where they were keeping the Seal and make sure nothing is wrong.
They just sent Manah to go check on one of the Seals that keep the world in check.
Well, there's no way this could end poorly! What's the worst that she could do in there? You know, other than break one of the Seals. Like she did in the last game. And start up the apocalypse again. Like she did in the last game. But, what are the chances of that happening again? Pfft... It'll be fine!
- While fighting more rebels, Nowe feels conflicted again, almost suicidally so.Nowe: Why... why do this? What am I doing?
Eris: Defending yourself against an angry mob attempting to kill us, you imbecile!
Nowe: But...they're just regular people...
Eris: With sharpened knives and axes ready to bring them down on your head. Get with the program, Nowe!
- Just how stupid is our protagonist?Rebel: Lady Manah! We're here to rescue you!
Nowe: Are they trying to rescue her?
The Dark Id: These two lines are said roughly ten seconds apart. It took Nowe ten seconds for his brain to process what that rebel had said and then reach this conclusion. Our hero, folks! He's never going to get any brighter...
- Eris' little satisfied smile as she tosses a torch onto Manah's pyre leads to an Alternate Character Interpretation:Eris herself seems to be really getting into the whole execution proceedings. I think I know why she hangs out with Nowe's dimwitted ass all the time. She doesn't like the guy. She's just a pyromaniac. And who better to satisfy that lust for playing with matches than a kid with a dragon? It all makes so much more sense now!
- Legna's allusions to his pact with Inuart in Drakengard 1 and how much it strained the limits of his sanity.Legna: You haven't got into some woman trouble when I wasn't looking, have you? Be careful of women. They'll lead you astray. I'm telling you now, my boy, I don't want any of their type riding on my back. The last time I allowed that it took me weeks of bathing to feel clean again. Ruined the shade of my scales in the process.
- Later in Part 13:Nowe: I have made an enemy out of General Gismor. He... He was the one who killed my father, Oror!
Legna: I'm not surprised. Jealousy, hatred, treachery. Sounds like a typical human story.
Nowe: Damn him!
Legna: Reminds me of a man I once flew with... He had all those traits in spades. It was nearly unbearable.
Nowe: Huh... Who was that...?
Legna: Ancient history, my boy, from before your time. Don't worry yourself about it. We have bigger problems to deal with.
- The 14th update is titled "In Which Nowe Strips In Front Of A Strange Man" because, well...Villager: Well, dressed like that, you certainly look like a Knight of the Seal!
Nowe: Well, yes, this is their uniform. I suppose I should change out of it.
(fade to black)
Villager: I'm not sure I understand. Why are you... taking your clothes off?
Nowe: I want to get this uniform off.
Villager: Don't you have... somewhere more... private... you could go do this...?
- Part 15 has an utterly hilarious one as Legna explains how his species can transform themselves in response to adverse conditions.Nowe: Adversity... Yes, times don't get much more adverse than now.
Legna: Oh, come now. This is a minor setback on the scale of dire times. So you've lost your job with a bunch of nancy knights and need to relocate to the countryside. Pah! It could be much worse.
Nowe: How so?
Legna: Why, you could be enslaved by a band of possessed humans and forced into a pact with an insufferable whiner who mumbled incoherently about a woman he loved non-stop, day after endless day, until you wanted to fly straight into the sun just to make the ceaseless drivel STOP!
Nowe: That... does sound bad... And oddly specific.
Legna: Oh, you know. Just a story I'd heard over the years...
- The Dark Id looks back at the Knights of the Seal's pointlessly dickish behavior, like putting life-eating seals in populated areas rather than the wilderness, or using more painful seals on Angelus, and figures out who the real villain is.Motherfucking Verdelet! All this shit is happening because they left that racist old prick in charge in-between games. Who set up the new seals? Verdelet. Who decided on "hey let's sacrifice the life force of the former Empire's citizens, that'll teach 'em"? Verdelet. Who hired the freak show Lieutenants to protect the things? Verdelet! Who let Oror bring home a half-braindead stray kid with a dragon who's now helping destroy the world? VERDELET!
In summary: FUCK VERDELET! Even from beyond the grave you are the worst character! (Angry Fist-Shake)
- As The Dark Id points out, Manah's plan to save the Village of Sand from drought has two main flaws: first, the seal is on a huge stone dam, and destroying the seal won't destroy the dam. Second, even if they did blow apart the dam, it's directly uphill from the village they're trying to save.
- When Lady Hanch tries to stop the idiots from destroying another seal:Hanch: There's no room in here. Let's take this outside, shall we?
The Dark Id: Hah. Yeah, nice try lady. Like we're falling for that one. Alright, Manah. Throw a fireball at the water dais and let's blow this po-
(cut to the dam exterior)
Nowe: So, you really want to fight? Fine with me... come and get it!
The Dark Id: OH GOD DAMMIT, NOWE!! How are you this stupid?! HOW?! It's not even funny anymore! Did you miss the part where all the lieutenants had pact beasts? This is a water themed guardian. You actually went outside to the bridge over a giant reservoir?! What is fucking wrong with you?!
- Not that Eris is without her own moments of crippling stupidity.Eris: ...Nowe. You have killed another guardian. You have destroyed another district.
The Dark Id: Uhh... Eris... You're not going to let them just walk off, are you? Public Enemy #1 and your traitor best friend... Right then. Gonna stop them, right?
Eris: You commit one crime after another. But why?
The Dark Id: Uhh... Eris? They're getting away... Just killed another one of your bosses... Broke a seal holding back the apocalypse... Probably gonna go do it again. Their backs are turned. You could probably charge Manah and drive your spear right in the back of her spine if you wanted. End this whole thing now. Or you could tag along and try to convince them what they're doing is wrong...?
Eris: Manah, I won't forgive you for this...
The Dark Id: No...? Just gonna stand there and get pissed at Nowe's new girlfriend...? Umm...okay. I guess that's cool too... See ya around, then!
- Caim's first proper cutscene appearance gets this brilliant gem:(image of a VERY gleeful Caim)
The Dark Id: Caim's status: Loving this shit!
(image of Manah's eyes wide with terror)
The Dark Id: Manah's pants status: Thoroughly shat!
Manah: No... Help me...
Caim: Oh, I'll help ya to something alright. Like my boot getting an introduction to your bony ass.
Nowe: <sniff> ...What is that smell?
- Yaha's battlefield flirting with Urick leads to a surprise:Nowe: What's he going on about now?
Urick: N-Nothing! Focus on the fight!
Yaha: Oh, Urick. It wasn't "nothing" to me.
Urick: I said to shut up! Look, it was late and it was dark and I had WAY too much ale that night at the party. I thought the elf chick with the err... eccentric culinary tastes had gotten a dye job. And... and... why am I even discussing this?!
Yaha: Oh, got you all flustered, do I. How sweet.
- With the revelation that Nowe is the result of Inuart taking Furiae's corpse into one of the Seeds of Resurrection, making Nowe "some magic test-tube baby of a dead chick and the biggest fuck-up of Drakengard (outside Verdelet), all the bone-headed utter stupidity coming out of Nowe now falls right into place. Drakengard! 2!"
- When Nowe finally learns just who Manah is, Urick tries to encourage him with a story that suggests he somehow met a certain foul-mouthed hussy.Urick: Yeah, your girlfriend tried to destroy the world. Pfft... You're young. A few drinks in your and you'll be better in no time. After all, it could be worse.
Nowe: How could it be worse?
Urick: She could have had a penis.
Urick: Hey, just throwing it out there. I remember I saw this girl once. Slammin' body, great chest, waltzed around in lacy lingerie and heels. Real feisty personality too. Swore like a sailor. My kinda woman. But before I made my move, one of the other guys at the bar goes "no bro... that one is packing heat" and I was like "NO WAY! There was just no way." But later that night I was stumbling outta the tavern on my way to wherever the hell and I looked down an alley and there she was taking a leak next to a dumpster. Standing up. You just never know, kiddo... You just never know...
Nowe: Umm... okay?
- When Nowe hears that the last seal's guardian hasn't been seen lately...Nowe: If the guardian has not returned... This would be a prime opportunity to destroy the district.
Urick: (beat) ...I was just going to take us to that joint with the great gyros I was telling you about. You... are seriously gonna keep up with this district destruction thing...? Really, kiddo...? REALLY?!
Nowe: But is it the right thing to do?
Nearly The Entire Cast: NO YOU BRAINDEAD IDIOT!!!!
- Caim isn't lugging Manah around for no reason, he's actually handicapping himself as he continues to massacre people, and wonders if he needs to strap Seere onto his other hand to make things challenging.Caim: I gave you Union fuckwits THREE YEARS to get your shit together before I showed up again for another round. I've fought babies that put up more of a fight than you pansies! You're making murder boring... I did not even think that was POSSIBLE!
- After Urick displays suspicious familiarity with the last shrine...Manah: You're the missing lieutenant, and guardian to the key of the District of Shining Life. Isn't that so, Urick?
Urick: Well, damn it all. I wanted to tell you myself.
Manah: Well, it really wasn't too difficult to deduce.
Manah: ...For most people, at least.
- The Dark Id adjusts Eris' dying words to something more appropriate.Eris: You're kind and gentle, yet... somewhat wild. That's why I...
Eris: Hoped you'd eventually grow out of being such an impulsive fool... Heh... guess that was a silly thing to wish... The final key is on the top floor... It's an hourglass called the Holy Sands... Go, Nowe. I won't stop you now. Not that I am... in any condition to...do so... But do not... blame me if... things go po...orly once you break it... This... is still a... r-really... retarded idea...
- General Gismor, though cartoonishly evil, is probably the best character in the game due to how often he's able to troll or burn the "heroes," but even he can only withstand so much idiocy.Manah: When I defeat him... there will be peace again.
Gismor: Oh yes, of course there will be. I am the source of ALL of humanity's corruption and misery. Everyone will join hands together and sing songs of endless bliss for the rest of this dying world's days. There is not a single theft, rape, or murder being committed right now without my guidance and blessing. No group will ever seek power in the vacuum created by the fall of the Knights of the Seal. Nor will the boot of those stronger ever again come down on the face of the weak to get a leg up on the competition. Nope. It shall all end with me...
Manah: I'm pretty certain that is how it will work.
Gismor: You two fools cannot see it as my face is a shadow, but my eye is twitching at your utter ignorance...
- When the world becomes Fucked again, Manah freaks out so much she starts mumbling about "Entities" and "Rooders."
- When the plot reaches the dragons' Advanced Ancient Acropolis, The Dark Id finds things strangely familiar, and wonders whether Belthasar is going to show up and help explain the plot.Legna: Look! What an impressive structure!
Nowe: Is that the Ancient Tomb?
Nowe: I guess that was kind of a dumb question.
- When Nowe (somehow) invades Manah's mind to help fight off her Demonic Possession, The Dark Id goes from imagining the two of them staring blankly and drooling in the real world, to assuming Nowe's just violently shaking her and screaming "Manah!" until she snaps out of it.
- Along with being the supreme Idiot Hero, Nowe is also a prime example of Poor Communication Kills.Legna: You heard the Book of Seeds at the Ancient Tomb. You are an artifact, a product of our plan! You've no other choice!
Eris: Nowe... I... feel like maybe you ought to have filled me in on some of that "long story" on the way here...
Manah: Yes, umm... What...?
Nowe: Oh uhh... well the voice in the flying dragon tower said that I am some sort of artificial creation of some blind lady and another guy. Plus dragons. And I'm supposed to help the dragons get back their throne against some guys that don't have names or... something like that...
Eris and Manah: ...
Eris: So you... really are a "dragon child"...?
Nowe: Yeah, I guess I am part dragon. But I don't feel any stronger and knowing that hasn't changed anything. I mean there was that one time when my hair turned white and I started glowing and grew laser wings. But I think that was just from something I ate.
Eris: W-When did that happen...?
Nowe: Uhh.... back when I sliced off Gismor's arm after he poisoned me and told me he murdered my father, Oror.
Eris: Gismor did... he... what?! Why didn't you tell me any of this?!
Nowe: <shrug> Guess it just slipped my mind...
- With Gismor gone, it falls to Hierarch Seere to burn the idiotic main characters.Seere: Nice job you two... Manah, you are getting really good at this breaking the world business. Last time you need an entire army of soldiers. This time around you managed to do it with just one dumbass and a dragon. Bravo!
Manah: You know about this? Would you enlighten us? What are the dragons trying to do?
Seere: Oh... So now that you've gone and screwed the pooch you want to hear what little Seere has to say...? Hmm...? I'm sorry. This conversation is meaningless.
Nowe: Umm... My lord, if there is any way we can help...
Seere: Nowe, I've known you for a while. I'm not holding you responsible for any of this, as I know you have the willpower of a worm in a bird's beak. So yes, maybe you and Eris can help. Manah?
Seere: (smiling) Go fuck yourself.
- When Nowe's Super Mode activates when Manah kisses him...It just so happens that popping a boner while with a cute girl is the trigger for Nowe's Deus ex Anime superpowers to finally kick in again. This says some really weird things about that first time with Gismor...
- During the Ending A boss fight, it turns out Nowe is more like his human father than his dragon dad.Nowe: You really raised me to use me in the end? I don't want our time together to end like this! Why does it have to be this way? Why, Legna? Why?
Legna: It is because you WILL NOT stop asking the same damned redundant questions ad nauseum until I feel like tearing me wings off and ramming face first into the ground to make it end!
- During Ending A, in which Seere has to make Eris the new goddess because of Nowe and Manah's actions:Seere: Nowe... Manah. Farewell...
Seere: Oh, yeah... By the way...
Seere: (smiling) If I see either of you two in Knights of the Seal controlled territory again... I'm going to have one of my golems tear your fucking head off and mount it on a pike in my office. Got it...?
Nowe and Manah: ...
Seere: (still smiling) Terrific. Take care!
- In one of the additional cutscenes unlocked in New Game+, Nowe meets with Hierarch Seere, who indulges in some passive-aggressive reprimanding.Seere: If only you would stay out of trouble, I could dedicate more time to reading. It seems like every day it is "Hierarch Seere, Nowe was fighting with his fellow knights again" or "My lord, Nowe's dragon startled our horses with his theatrics. Sir Viper fell and broke his arm and Sir Zoah dinged his prized helmet and is vowing to tear out the dragon child's spleen" or "Hierarch, the dragon child was questioning the holy practices of the Knights of the Seal." Every day, I hear this kind of stuff when I just want nothing more than to sit in my chambers and enjoy a good book in peace. It is getting... rather... irritating.
- Since everyone's in the party during New Game+, this leads to some oddities during a chance to chat with random villagers.Villager: It makes you think. What was the point of the districts in the first place? Why did the Knights of the Seal need them?
Eris: Preventing the end of the world... among other things...
Nowe: Eris, you're not really in the party right now! You don't get to talk!
- During Ending B, Legna tells Nowe that he needs to destroy the Bone Casket so he can fight the gods.
- During (another) boss battle against a possessed Manah:Nowe: What are you trying to do!?
Manah: Trying to salvage my character by having a decent resolution to my development arc...
Nowe: Stop, Manah!
- In Ending B, Eris gets to survive, only to get dragged into the upcoming war between the dragons and the gods.Nowe: So, Eris... You want a dragon for your birthday? I bet I can talk Legna into handing over one of those Holy Dragons if I ask.
Eris: Would it... would it breathe... fire...?
Nowe: ...Yeah, I'm pretty sure they do that.
Eris: (evil grin) ...Excellent.
- The Where Are They Now epilogue explains that between the destruction of the Knights of the Seal and the horrors unleashed by breaking those seals, the land was consumed by death and chaos. But at least Caim finally gets his due.Caim: Caim went on to become the new Grim Reaper of the land. His application to the position simply said "I murdered the shit out of the last guy." He was hired on the spot.
Angelus: I don't see why you need to become the reaper...
Caim: Dragon, we've been over this. First of all... come on... If there's one thing I have a goddamn encyclopedic knowledge about, it is death.
Angelus: That still seems a silly reason to me.
Caim: And also... I KILLED the grim reaper! I killed DEATH, dragon. I topped out. I don't want the new guy to be some pussy that dies in like a month after some jackass with a whip comes along and slaps him around a few times. Nah. Goddamn Caim was the only one to kill someone so hard that it killed Death and it's gonna stay that way for a very long time.
Angelus: Why did I put up with you in the first place...
Caim: Ah, come on, Angelus. You know you've missed this shit!
Angelus: Well... perhaps a little bit...
- Also, Seere used his army of golems to bring order to the ruined world as the undying Child Emperor of the New Empire. And Eris became his right-hand enforcer, as well as Caim's successor.Eris: She led a happy and prosperous life smiting heretics against the New Empire. After all, it doesn't feel like work... (evil grin) when you so thoroughly enjoy it.
- And even though they were literally responsible for everything bad that happened in the game and absolutely don't deserve it, Nowe and Manah got their happy ending.
- Setting the tone for the latest installment in the series.The Dark Id: Remember how Drakengard 2 had a friendly training exercise, a bossy older sister type childhood friend introduced and no murder for the first half hour? Drakengard 3 is making up the body count for that war crime of a video game.
(overhead shot of dozens of corpses around a spiral of blood centered on Zero)
The Dark Id: ...Okay, maybe it's overcompensating a little bit in the kill count department.
- After noting that flipping in and out of Intoner Mode will clean all the gore off Zero's cloths, the Dark Id posits that she's "the type that would spill coffee on her dress and go into a temporary blood rage in order to get the stain out. Sure everyone within a city block was torn asunder in the process. But c'mon. Coffee on white is a bitch to clean off."
- When introducing the rest of the Intoners:The Dark Id: Not-Manah here is the leader of the bunch... And now the DK Rap is in my head. Goddammit!
- Zero and Michael plummeting after a bridge collapses beneath them is described as them falling into one of Notspain's many sinkholes.The Dark Id: Somewhere out there is a grim dark fantasy Transportation Adviser shouting futility about the cutback on public works funding in favor of mass military transcription. They will regret this.
- Since this is a prequel, the forests' elves haven't suffered a genocide yet, but The Dark Id is hopeful that will change soon.The Dark Id: ...What? Verdelet was a dickhead, but I'm with him on the elf racism. Fuck elves. I've seen enough of those downtrodden orcs get butchered for funsies all the time. Where's the Shadow of Mordor-esque game where you're an orc assassin making elves' heads explode and punting them down ravines?
- After Zero wakes up from a nightmare, Id talks about his own nightmare as well.Id: Tell me about, lady. Man... I had this one dream the other day I was bored and went "what if I went and did another LP now that I have some free time" and looked at my video game collection and remembered I owned Drakengard 3. And for some crazy, fevered reason only my deep subconscious could explain I went ahead d—wait... wait... that was a dream... r-right?! RIGHT! Oh god... OH GOD! AAAAAHHHHHH! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!
- The commentary gets derailed when Zero shouting at Mikhail causes him to wet himself in fear.The Dark Id: Yeah... So... Umm... Bet you weren't planning on coming in here and seeing a dragon pissing today, huh! Umm... Yeah... Drakengard! 3!
- The game's assortment of Vendor Trash includes "rusted coins, torn books, old cloth, Steam early access open world zombie games, copies of Sonic Boom, and other rubbish."
- Introducing a new enemy type.
- Id going into Sarcasm Failure at Zero's painful regeneration.
- During Chapter 2-2, we get this bit.Mikhail does his best Kool-Aid man impression. I bet somewhere out there in Drakengard land there is a mace holding the tale of some grimdark Kool-Aid man analog terrorizing peasants. Cuz let's face [it], Kool-Aid man is fucked up if you just sit there and think about him for a minute. A glass golem filled with an unidentified red liquid smashing through your damn wall? No thank you! That is a bad scene.
- Also in Chapter 2-2, after the bit where Zero practically pratfalls after falling off of Mikhail.RIP Zero. You died as you lived. Abusing and yelling obscenities at a dumbass baby dragon mostly brought on yourself by the lack of anything resembling common sense.
- Chapter 2-4 has a Fission Mailed where Zero's yelling ends up causing an avalanche that buries her and Dito. The game acts like it's The End until she gets up and says it's not over. The way Dito turns to the camera and shrugs is like the game acknowledging Id going "Drakengard!"
- Even better, Id immediately starts complaining that the writers ripped off the whole fake game over gag that he's been doing in pretty much every LP he's ever done, and the thread starts wondering if one of the writers and/or translators was a TDI fan, or even if TDI himself secretly wrote for the game.Id: Hey! HEY! Don't you shrug at me Dito! What the fuck is this shit?! I've used the dumb fake kill everyone gag in like every LP I've done. In fact, I'm positive I did it in Drakengard 2 too! Think I wouldn't notice, you jerks? I expect my check in the mail any day now, Taro Yoko! (angry fist shake)
- Even better, Id immediately starts complaining that the writers ripped off the whole fake game over gag that he's been doing in pretty much every LP he's ever done, and the thread starts wondering if one of the writers and/or translators was a TDI fan, or even if TDI himself secretly wrote for the game.
- A giant enemy is overcome by "the combined efforts of Mikhail's fireball spamming and a viscous kicking in the shins by Zero (and... Dito lending moral support by running in circles)."
- While dealing with the tedium of Verse 2-5, The Dark Id has an unwelcome revelation.Arenas really like to just spawn a flock of soldiers from the ether from here on out when rolling out another non-human biggun' creatures. It's like I'm playing Dragon Age II all over again.
...I never finished Dragon Age 2. I finished Drakengard 2 four times. I think that says a lot about the former.
- Entering a new stretch of a winding pathway "seems to leave Dito a wee bit disoriented.◊ One of these days video games are going to get that whole pathing thing down pat. Access Games will not be the ones to do so."
- The Dark Id repeatedly calls out Zero for not putting much thought into her quest for revenge.And so ends a waste of everyone's time that could have been avoided if Zero just rode her goddamn dragon from the start. Fuck sake lady! You are really bad at this whole revenge quest thing. It's your own damn fault you were too lazy to teach your dragon sidekick how to properly bathe and not smell like a dumpster fire. (Angry Fist-Shake)
- The Wyverns flinging rocks at Mikhail and Zero do so from chains attached to, ah, something jutting forward from their pelvis. The Dark Id concludes that they're dealing with some "dire-ass kidney stones."
- During the second phase of the fight against Armaros, in which the demon/castle jettisons most of its weight so Four can make an escape:The Dark Id: It's probably going to be a real bummer for whoever the bottom half of a several city block-wide castle lands on down below in the Land of Mountains. Especially with the early afternoon forecasts of raining wyvern guts and viscera already peppering the area.
- Once Decadus joins Zero's entourage, it means both he and Dito will "have the opportunity to get stuck on geometry and run endlessly into chest-high barriers from this chapter onward."
- When undead foes appear, our LPer reminds us that "There is a skeleton in your body RIGHT NOW that at any time could be converted into a trash mob enemy by a foul wizard. Think about it..."
- The Forest of Light only differs from the rest of the Land of Forests in that there aren't any fairies in it. "So in comparison it is an utter beacon of sunshine over the previous few stretches of garbage real estate. Sure, there's still child-eating trolls, undead skeletons, and mobs of panicking soldiers between us and... wherever the hell we're heading. But still... No more goddamn faeries!"
- After the revelation that Octa is actually 22, the Dark Id comments "If nothing this entry into the series is expanding the things you can just stare at and go uhh... Drakengard!"
- When another weapon story references Devola and Popola:
- Our LPer isn't impressed with Three's combat scissors.
- The first chapter in the desert stages is "In Which Life in the Sands STILL Friggin' Sucks!" And when a familiar foe reappears in it:
- "Stay in the shade to recover your strength!"
- Why does Zero need to kill Two?I mean, come on now. Two is a perfectly nice, pleasant person whose only fault is being a bit naively optimistic. She is in a stable, loving relationship with her disciple with no weird sexual hang-ups or kinks between the two. In her spare time she comes up with cuisine using meat from monsters wandering the desert to help better feed people living in the harsh desert climate. And she takes care of fucking war orphans like they're her own children, just out of the goodness of her heart.
She cannot exist in Drakengard's universe. Blood must flow!
- Id puts up a list of the many excuses the game's had for Mikhail not to be used in most levels.
- The Dark Id is pleased to see Broken Iron/Iron Will/Hymir's Finger again, less so that it is once again broken.
- The entire thread blowing up over the Disciples' true forms being pigeons, even comparing it to Hatoful Boyfriend.
- When Brother One shows up out of fucking nowhere to gank Zero in Ending A:If you're wondering if there was the slightest hint or mention of Brother One earlier: the answer is an even more resounding NO! Even moreso than the disciples turning out to have originally been doves. At least the disciples had a bit of a hint they weren't necessarily human or of some manner of mysterious origin like the Intoners. Brother One is just "by the way, fuck you" and that's that.
- One's DLC story features "a flashback in the middle of a prologue to a prologue to this prequel game. Get all Inception up in this shit, why don't you?" The Dark Id also refers to One and her brother as "The Oneder Twins" and "Wonderful One-double-One."
- When a midboss fight in the desert consists of a golem and cerberus that have apparently become pals:I'm sure given enough time and resources Taro Yoko would get someone on staff to write a heart-wrenching tale of these two unlikely allies coming together to overcome adversity in the harsh desert sands. And then a random dragon and prudish magic teenager came along out of nowhere and burned them alive because Drakengard.
- And when The Dark Id describes how easy it is to beat them from dragonback:While they're bunched together the splash damage from fireballs and dive bombs will take the two out together in no time flat. The poor desert golem will no doubt have at least one of his doggy companions heads bounce off his chest in the exchange, much to the stone giant's utter horror.
The most Drakengard of outcomes to this tale.
- And when The Dark Id describes how easy it is to beat them from dragonback:
- After Mikhail ducks out on a level yet again:Somewhere out there there's a sidestory about the dopey adventures of Mikhail off dicking around between missions. Since it would be an entirely unnecessary gaiden tale, it would just be crammed full of prequel characters shoehorned in. Mikhail no doubt bumps into Angelus and Legna hanging out being grumpy. Leonard's Fairy and Verdelet's dad being an asshole and a racist asshole respectively. Caim's great grandpa. Yoda. Seere's Golem. Emil's head rolling by at one point. The Grim Reaper before Caim stabbed it to death. Triple H. That one old man rebel NPC in Drakengard 2 that went "Lady Manar".
You know, the usual suspects.
- After Zero regenerates again, and turns to speak to Dito while soaked with blood except for parts of her face:Zero: You say something?
The Dark Id: Thanks Zero, I didn't need to sleep tonight.
- When Zero and Three face off during Route B:
- Summing up the final fight of Route B:Tune in next time for a final boss showdown against a massive neon blue doom-spider summoned from the heavens purely by the power of love. Cuz fuck it! Why not? We just killed off seven characters in the last fifteen minutes! We don't give a fuck!
- At the end of Two's DLC, we've learned why she was such a mess during the main game: "She tried to be a nice, pleasant person who loved and cared for children in Drakengard's universe. And the universe, in turn, was having NONE of that shit.
- Three's DLC is pretty meh, but at the end of it we've at least learned that "not only was Three an insane weirdo, she was a really fucking insane weirdo. No half-measures if you're going to embrace madness in the realm of Drakengard."
- Route C proves that in Drakengard 3, "all roads lead to someone getting stabbed in the back. Literally and figuratively. But mostly literally."
- Since this is all happening in a relatively short time period:I wonder what future Drakengard history is going to refer to the whole bizarre two years or so of time when a bunch of magical girls showed up out of nowhere, murdered all the heads of state taking over the continent in the process, and remained in power for all of about sixteen months before another one of 'em showed up and killed everybody. Or better yet how they'd gloss over the more unfortunate parts in children's history books. What I'm saying is I want an American grade school Thanksgiving-type take on Drakengard history.
- In Four's DLC, we have Decadus' unsuccessful attempt to parlay with the enemy.◊
- During the lull between routes, the denizens of the Drakengard LP thread began to discuss what kind of games Yoko Taro might make if he had a real budget and talent to back him up. The very next day, Yoko Taro showed up during Square Enix's E3 conference and revealed that not only was he working on a sequel to Nier, but that Platinum Games were developing it. Cue utter meltdown in the thread.The Dark Id: WHAT?!?! WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAATTTTTT?!
- The Dark Id likes Gabriela's snark so much that he wishes for a Drakengard 2 remake that replaces Legna with her. But on the other hand...I like that Gabriella's primary purpose this mission is to just chill out in the shade and only tune in to shit on the protagonist at opportune times for laughs.
Hey, isn't that my job? (frowny face)
- The Dark Id figures out why Four's DLC involves blowing up an airship full of elven noncombatants.The Dark Id: In a Japanese popularity poll Four came in second place. Taro Yoko saw this, scowled a foul sock puppet glare upon this news and whispered: "That's weird you all like the one that actively takes joy in... ETHNIC CLEANSING." And thus balance was restored to the Drakengard realm.
- Five's side story raises important questions.
- The Dark Id likes to think that instead of transforming into Gabriel, Gabriela realized what lunatics the Intoners were and ditched them to hang out in Drakengard's Florida, "Which is surprisingly perfectly dull and normal in that universe."
- Zero's murder road trip route looping back on itself in Route D is described as the game "retconning its own plot that is still in progress. Taro Yoko plays by his own rules. Deal with it."
- Our LPer is outraged when Cent unexpectedly summons his Bugzapper Twins to fight Five and Dito's Dubstep Crab.The Dark Id: What? You people could have been summoning boss fights this entire time you've been getting caught on geometry and running in circles in place?! You guys are the worst party members!
- The 104th chapter is hyped as the "darkest single scene of the entire Drakengard series," is titled "In Which We Sing the Song of the World's End," and has an ominous screenshot from the first game's apocalypse as the video link image. And then you click the link...
- The Dark Id instantly recognizes the penultimate boss as "the Wyrm, King of the Dragon Cock!" And when Decadus is flung by Octa onto Mikhail's back to help fight the boss:The Dark Id: Yes. Octa used his man club as a cartoon springboard to launch Decadus 5,000 feet into the air directly onto the back of a dragon in-flight. What of it? Dude wasn't going to get showed up by that stupid ancient dragon hanging loose for everyone. Drakengard! 3!
- The final ground mission is interpreted as Zero wiping out all the last of the species like Centaurs and Cerebuses and Imps that never appeared in the series outside the prequel. The human mooks get a special send-off as well.The Dark Id: While we're at it, RIP the Last Battalion of Notspain. May your children's children live on to be slaughtered wholesale another day by an angry mute and his dragon someday. Or one of the many, many cataclysms surrounding his adventures. Pray that their children do not live to become cannon fodder for a dimwitted half-dragon fool and his dragon dad.
- A revelation when Zero fights One the final time.The Dark Id: Wait... Did I really end up LPing another game that has daughter/clones as a plot point in a story about alternate timelines/dimensions and heavily featuring the involvement of dragons? This IS really Chrono Cross all over again. (Psyduck emote)
- Octa gets props for making it through the entire game "constantly talking about sex, but never actually saying the word sex, penis, or vagina. Alternate timeline thread title: Drakengard 3: Sexual Innuendo Synonym Station."
- When things turn monochrome, the PTSD begins.The Dark Id: And the black and white filter? What's up with that? What do you think this is...? That's only been allowed whenerr... Wait. Why did I suddenly get this cold chill down my spine...? It's like some memory I tried hard to forget. Weird. God DAMMIT Taro Yoko! (Angry Fist-Shake)
- Saluting the fallen:The Dark Id: RIP Accord. You were a strange anime robot lady that probably made things more confusing than anything else and stole an absurd amount of gold from my party for weapons we would never so much as look at again.
- The Dark Id has mixed feelings at the end of it all, especially "the part where I summoned enough negative energy to rouse Sith Lord Taro Yoko's ire for yet another game. Oh well... Unforeseen consequences, hindsight and all that..."
Final Fantasy VII: Dirge of Cerberus
- The Dark Id sums up the story of Dirge of Cerberus:The plot is... How can I put this...? Ten kinds of batshit with a healthy, healthy dose of retarded.
So, basically it's my specialty.
- The first update and zeroth chapter has a list of characters with "why should I hate them?" points for each one. Cid for example has the drawbacks of having a Southern accent and "not the main character," while Shalua loses points for not only having "the most unnecessarily dramatic death scene ever," but because she "fails to die in said death scene." And then there's Shelke:Why should I hate her?
— Is really nineteen. She just looks like she's nine years old.
— No really.
— Hello, Mr. Hanson.
— Actually, I really don't have time for a talk right now.
- Many updates have a "FUCKnote Tetsuya Nomura" section dedicated to mocking the game's character designs.
- The Dark Id also keeps track of how many cutscenes there are per update and total, ending the LP with a whopping count of 222.
- From the first proper update, when Vincent leaps onto the back of Yuffie's hover-scooter:Vincent: I desire a piggy-back ride.
Yuffie: Wait, hold on! Just-
Vincent: If my heart weren't filled with such darkness and sorrow, I would be going "weeee." Do you too enjoy the pleasures brought by a good piggy-back session?
- A brooding Vincent has a vision of his crystallized crush in a cave.Vincent: Lucrecia.
Lucrecia: This has to stop. If I wasn't frozen in crystal, I'd file a restraining order.
Vincent: My dark soul is too tainted to hear your words.
Lucrecia: Go away! It didn't work out between us! I already got married. I had a kid. He tried to destroy the world. You might have heard of him.
Vincent: I wish I could hear your voice again...
Lucrecia: I'm so sorry. I'm calling the police.
- The reason there's a festival in Kalm? The internet was finally restored after a long time. There's this conversation as well.Woman: I just don't know about this, Phil...
Phil: Honey, we'll never have to work again. I've got it all set up. Three different cameras. One at an isometric angle, one over top of the bed. The last one is going to be, get this, a point of view camera. We just need to set up a Paypal account and we are in business.
- When the cutscenes end and the game proper starts:Meanwhile, Vincent has finally noticed the soldiers sneaking up upon him. He snaps into action for what will undoubtedly be another spectacular feat of marksmanship and agility, to make no mention of-
Oh wait... We're finally playing the game. So, you can replace agility and lightning fast marksmanship with...
Slowly plinking away at enemies while numbers pop out of their heads. Welcome to the gameplay of Dirge of Cerberus.
- When Shelke abruptly passes out during a tense encounter:Vincent: ...
Vincent: ...Was that supposed to hap-
Vincent: Well, is she alright?
Azul: Yes, yes. Look just... Shit... Luck is on your side.
Vincent: Excuse me?
Azul: Look just... Ugh... You know what, we'll do this another time, alright?
Shelke: (being carried underarm by Azul) I'm sorry.
Azul: Just be quiet. I'm trying to save face here! (to Vincent) I am Azul. We will meet again. God, that is the last time I ever partner up with someone with narcolepsy. That guy's never going to take me seriously now. I hope you're happy.
Vincent: (beat) What just happened...?
- When the "Reeve" who Vincent meets turns out to be Actually a Reevebot, piloted by Cait Sith, a robot cat being controlled by the real Reeve, Vincent can only conclude "I AM in a bad fanfic. You cannot tell me otherwise. Or maybe it's some dark nightmare punishing me for my sins."
- When a WRO trooper drops some exposition about "Meteorfall," "The Jenova War," and the "World Regenesis Organization" led by the heroic Reeve Tuesti:Vincent: Let's back up a moment here. I've brooded a lot in my room for the last three years, but I try to keep up with the news. What is this "Jenova War" you speak of? And when was Reeve ever anything resembling a war hero?
WRO Mook: Mr. Valentine, sir. The Jenova War in which you and Commissioner Reeve fought to stop the villainous Sephiroth from destroying the world with Meteor.
Vincent: "The Jenova War...?" That's what they're calling it? A band of misfits grouping together to stop one guy in the center of the planet? You're calling that a war?
WRO Mook: Indeed, sir.
Vincent: And Reeve is a war hero...? Reeve...? The same Reeve that went into battle with a toy cat and stuffed moogle robot? War hero?
WRO Mook: I'm quite proud to serve beneath him, sir.
Vinent: I'm just going to lock this whole conversation into the deepest, darkest recesses of my mind. Which, I assure you, are fairly dark. Thusly, I'm just going to pretend it never took place...
- And who exactly are the bad guys?Vincent: Deepground?
Reeve: Yes. The shadow of the Shinra Company, constructed by the former president and completely hidden from the rest of the world.
Vincent: Constructed? What? Like "Sephiroth" constructed? Or like "fabricated for the plot of this game" constructed?
Reeve: The latter.
- This line from Reeve and Vincent's response:Reeve: 1200 people simply vanished without a trace. The WRO conducted a private investigation, but we came up empty handed. Except for the rumors. Since the Junon disappearance, people in Edge have been on edge.
Vincent: In stark contrast to the relative calm in Kalm and the lovers of fans of Jason Reitman's Juno in Junon, I'm sure.
Reeve: You used to be a lot less snippy.
Vincent: The weight upon my shoulders brings forth my turmoil to the surface.
Reeve: Forget I said anything...
- Our hero encounters a scientist looking for something.
- As for Shalua's character design:I don't know where to start between the silly-ass hooker outfit, high heels, robotic arm with Mario Brothers type glove, and the labcoat to top it all off (I'm fairly certain she always has one arm in the coat) on top of things... That's not even getting into the Cyclops perpetually blinking thing. You know, do I really have to comment on this?
Fuck you, Nomura.
- Succinctly summarizing the end of Stage Three:Long story short: Vincent turned into the embodiment of that which is goth, exploded, and fainted. In that order.
Oh, Dirge of Cerberus. You card.
- Reeve gives Vince some rounds, tells him to deal with Shelke, and the goth gunslinger stalks off.Reeve: Don't worry. The bullets will only sedate her. Let Vincent handle this.
Shalua: Did you tell him they're special bullets?! He probably thinks you just gave him extra ammo.
Reeve: Oh shi-
The Dark Id: Let's try that again.
Reeve: Wait, hold up, Vincent! Those bullets I gave you. They're special tranquilizer bullets.
Vincent: Why would you be carrying tranquilizer darts specifically modified for my gun?
Reeve: That's a good question. One which I'm going to choose to ignore. Just use them on her.
- During the second take, The Dark Id tries to give a rundown on the Shelke boss fight, before getting annoyed when she starts giving him some trouble.The Dark Id: Shelke attacks just how you'd expect a super-powered nine-year-old to attack - by spastically hopping around the room like a jacked-up CGI Yoda and-
(Shelke slices Vincent for 500 damage)
The Dark Id: The fuck?! Oh, you know what? I've had a rough day. Fuck this noise.
(Vincent activates his Limit Breaker and mangles Shelke in melee)
Reeve: Vincent... WHAT THE FUCK?!
Vincent: ROOARRRrrroh... Oh shi-
Reeve: Vincent, just stop. Load your gun with the tranq darts. Shoot her. That is all. That is all you need to do.
(the bullet hits low)
Reeve: Not there! God, what is wrong with you?!
- "Anyhow, it's time to battle Azul. Now, the latter portion of the cutscene didn't properly display it, but Azul has gotten a slight upgrade pulled, from what can only be, directly out of his ass. So, if anyone would like to explain to me where he got a tank cannon from, I'm all ears."
- Blue the Blue's continuing failed attempts at drama:Azul: You may think this is the end, but-
Vincent: ...Was that supposed to hap-
Vincent: Well, is this actually the end, then?
Azul: Yes, yes. Look just... Shit...
- The Dark Id works out why an abandoned mansion is crawling with enemy soldiers.
- Upon meeting Nero the Sable and his... unique headgear.Err... Chief... You might want to read the instruction manual for that jockstrap a bit more carefully. I don't think you're doing it right.
- The game's plot sounds familiar:Lucrecia: And when Omega has embarked on his journey to the cosmos, our planet will wither and die.
The Dark Id: Wasn't that vaguely Sephiroth's goal in Advent Children? Only using the planet as some sort of space jalopy or something? Are they really so depleted of ideas that they're half-assing the same half-assed concepts from its own entries in the series?
- "Vincent suddenly and apparently painfully is trusted into yet another flashback. Err... a flashback we've already seen... A flashback of a flashback... This shit is getting meta."
- Confronting a villain:Vincent: Deepground. What are they attempting to do with Omega? We are nearly halfway through the game. Any clear motive would be helpful, at this point.
Rosso: I don't know. And to be honest, I don't care.note
The Dark Id: Well, hey. It's like they read the player's mind.
- After the Black Widow boss fight, and Red the Red coming out of nowhere to impale Vincent's chest with her fist:Rosso: I'm sorry. Were you not expecting that?
The Dark Id: No, I am always prepared for an enemy to one-shot me immediately following a boss fight, thus negating any sense of accomplishment from said battle. Of course, that preparation is usually only drummed up for shitty games. But, that's another story...
- Vincent's response when he wakes up to find that Yuffie of all people rescued him is to stare for a few moments before declaring "I hate my life."
- The Dark Id actually thinks Yuffie's Dirge of Cerberus design◊ is marginally less idiotic than her Final Fantasy VII appearance, with one exception:The midriff belt. It's like Nomura freaked out when he realized Yuffie wasn't showing enough of her midsection. Instead of deciding to doing something rational to fanservice her up a bit like... ya know... just shortening her shirt. He instead saw it fit to hastily scribble a belt to yank her shirt up a few inches.
Sure, there are better examples of Nomura belt fuckery. But, this one just rubs me the wrong way.
- While Reeve phones in to dump some exposition on everyone and blathers on and on in the background, Vincent and Yuffie have a whispered conversation about what the rest of the gang has been up to, like Red XIII.Vincent: His tail still on fire?
Yuffie: Yeah... Yeah, it's still burning.
Vincent: That's good. I should visit him some time.
Reeve: Omega... I should have known.
Yuffie: Do you have his cell number?
Vincent: As in cellphone...? How does that even work?
Yuffie: Didn't you see Advent Children? Everyone on the planet is sporting a Limited Edition Panasonic P900 iV available now for a low-low price at your local service provider. Why wouldn't Red have one?
Vincent: Well, mostly because he lacks thumbs. But, I forgot about the new Panasonic P900 iV Big Cats Edition for all your opposable thumb-lacking needs. It was silly to bring it up.
Reeve: We cannot let them sacrifice the lives of any more people. Once we've gathered our forces, we'll launch a full offensive.
Vincent: Seen the rest of the old team lately? I haven't really gotten out much. The brooding and all.
Yuffie: Well, Aeris is still dead. Other than you and Reeve, I haven't really talked to many of the other guys. Though, I met some guy named "Zack" that was exactly like Cloud, same giant sword and spiky hair and all. Only he wasn't an emo prick.
Reeve: Of course, we'll require the help of you two as well. Please hurry back to headquarters.
Vincent: Oh? What was he like?
Yuffie: Just a prick.
Vincent: Oh... Well, when was this?
Yuffie: <shrug> Like around a decade ago.
Reeve: Oh, I'm analyzing the data files you sent earlier. I should have the results soon.
Vincent: Oh... Then, why bring it up now?
Yuffie: I dunno... It's strange. I just sort of remembered it recently. I mean, I think the guy has the exact same sword Cloud had and everything.
Vincent: That is strange. Then again, I'm remembering a bunch of inane stuff about Lucrecia I didn't recall earlier.
Reeve: Tuesti out.
Yuffie: Think it's connected?
Vincent: Nah. Who'd care that much about this boring little planet to go to the trouble of drumming up the past ten years later?
Yuffie: Hah. I guess you're right. There you have it. I have no idea what's going on, but it sounds big.
Vincent: Huh? He's done already.
Yuffie: Yeah, I wasn't paying attention either. But, like I said. It sounds big. I think I caught an "omega" in there somewhere. I'd be disappointed were it like some villainous dwarf or something.
- After the heroic WRO trailer-camper crashes again, and Yuffie gets knocked out◊ to justify her sitting out the mission:And so Vincent bravely proceeds to bravely leave his unconscious friend in the back of a burning vehicle in hostile territory during a genocidal army's siege of the immediate area.
- Witness as a boss dies in three shots.I'd brag about it being an impressive feat of dumb luck, but then I realized what I was playing. It was simply a case of Dirge of Cerberus being so poorly-designed I managed to kill a boss by complete accident.
- Shelke questions why, if Blue the Blue has orders to kill her to prevent the data she's holding from falling into enemy hands...Shelke: Then why did you bring me along to the first siege of the WRO? It would seem counter-productive to drag me along if I had completed my only task in the first twenty minutes of the game.
Azul: We are Deepground. Squandering resources is our way. Planning is the path of fools and weaklings!
- Then when Shelke pulls out a plot device to restrain Blue:Shalua: Shelke! Vincent! Let's get out of here!
Shelke: Excuse me? Azul is completely powerless at the moment. Have Vincent finish him off while I hold him a bay. You may spin kick him again, if necessary. I cannot guarantee the condition of your leg after doing so. His head is very hard.
Shalua: Come on!
- "The world's most unnecessary drama bomb" comes when Shalua insists on bracing a closing door with her mechanical arm while the others escape through it, and Vincent is helpless to assist in keeping it open:Vincent: If only... I didn't have... the strength... of a fourteen-year-old...
Shelke: Why are you doing this?
Shalua: You can still get through.
Shelka: I was referring to the fact the door switch is right there. Just let go of my arm and I'll go press it. I'll even put up the barrier around Azul again while I'm at it. Just give me a-
Shalua: Go on!
- Vincent takes the loss poorly:Vincent: DAMMIT! I just wanna get laid! Just once! ONCE! That's all I ask! They can die immediately afterwards. They can die during it, for all I care! I'm over sixty! I'm a sixty-year-old virgin! This is bullshit!
Vincent: I'm a guy. That is what I am supposed to do! Do? Dammit! Even my frustrated ranting is mocking me!
Shelke: I was referring to my sister's sacrifice.
Vincent: Fuck your sister! Oh GOD! I did it again!
- Then when Blue the Blue quote-unquote kills Shalua on the other side of the closed doors, an inexplicably yellow puddle seeps under it.Vincent: ...
Shelke: Is that...?
Shelke: Shalua... Why would she...? Why...?
Vincent: I well... When people die they... I mean... I think I read... I... (dragging Shelke off) We need to find a mop!
The Dark Id: And that is it for Stage Six. Dr. McStrokevictimtits gets killed off-screen and pisses herself. I did not edit that in any way. That is exactly what happens. Have I mentioned I hate this game, lately?
- Luckily the update ends with a ray of hope:???: End of the world? End of the world my ass. The only way the world is gonna be endin' any time soon if I blow the shit out of it. You'd better have your fruitcake hero and jailbait kids and whatever other stupid shit ready. I'll be there in a hour. (hangs up) Whelp, fuckheads, looks like I gotta save the whole goddamn planet again.
NPC: What are you orders, sir?
???: My orders...?
Cid Highwind: Sit down, drink your goddamn tea, and get this bird off the ground. We're heading for Midgar...
- Yuffie the Bipolar slaps Shelke after the not-kid is disrespectful toward the not-actually-dead Shalua.Vincent: Yuffie, calm down. You have been in the story for half a hour. You didn't even know her.
Yuffie: That doesn't mean I can't slap people and cry about it!
Shelke: Why would she do something so...? So... out of character? The writing in this game is highly inconsistent. This is coming from someone who's only emotive state is bored and monotone.
The Dark Id: Yuffie proceeds to run off crying. She will never again mention any of this or Shalua. She will also be back to being annoyingly bubbly and hyper in the very next scene she is in.
- A horrible revelation after Shelke has a Moment with Vincent:
- When Shelke reveals that not only is she stuffed full of Lucrecia's data:Shelke: However, not only was the data incomplete, but part of her consciousness began interfering with my own thought process.
The Dark Id: I just wanted you all to be assured I wasn't making this shit up. Shelke is somehow loaded up with Lucrecia's memories and partial consciousness (from an era where the primary storage medium was apparently 3.5" floppy disks.) So, this
kidyoung woman just happens to be one of the character's long-lost sister, a former member of the main bad guy army, and infected with the thoughts of a scientist from thirty years earlier that just happened to be Vincent's crush. (beat) Jesus. H. Christ. I hate this game.
- One of the Shera's crewmembers somehow knows enough about this new enemy to rattle off the names of the Tsviets and warn Vincent about their power. Except...Vincent: Why did you omit Shelke the Transparent?
Vincent: There's five members of the Tsviets. One of them just defected to our side. And by "just" I mean less than twenty minutes ago. How could you possibly have known that if we've been on board for all of five minutes and Reeve has yet to speak to Cid?
NPC: I... There... You see... Deepground soldiers... A ruthless band of killing machines determined to-
Vincent: <sigh> Forget it.
- Yuffie's on the bridge too, doubled-over from airsickness.
- One of the beanie troopers is feeling guilty after the disastrous Kalm mission, but pumped about the next one.WRO Soldier: That's why this time maybe I'll be able to do something worthwhile. I'm not going to let Deepground have its way any more!
Vincent: That's the spirit.
WRO Soldier: I am going to stand out in the open and take tons of inaccurate potshots at the enemy, this time. I even brought my own explosive barrel as a decoy.
Vincent: That's the spirit...?
- Cid's reaction to Deepground's plan is probably the best part:Reeve: Normally, Omega poses no threat to us. It only manifests when the planet has detected something that may cause her danger. However, Deepground is attempting to reawaken the beast early. We're not sure why and it is best not to think about it too much. You'll only give yourself a headache. [...] By slaughtering thousands of innocent souls, they are creating a pure Lifestream in order to trick the planet into thinking the "end" is near.
Cid: Wait. Wait. Wait. Now wait just a fuckin' second here. Let me get this straight... We're going to all this trouble fighting these blowhards all because the planet is... fucking... RETARDED?!
- To defeat the enemy, the good guys will have to destroy Deepground's mako reactors...Reeve: Except for Vincent, who will have to fight all the major villains and likely Omega Weapon as well. As well as come to terms with the past and save the world from annihilation through the power of friendship.
- Vincent's evolving relationship with Shelke has not gone unnoticed by Reeve, who gives Vince a codec call to discuss it.Vincent: Reeve I...
Reeve: Vincent, what the hell?!
Vincent: I am as weirded-out about it as you are.
Reeve: You've got a funny way of showing it. Cid showed me that security footage of you watching her sleep.
Vincent: I was just concerned that-
Reeve: Vincent, we're all concerned here. I'm the "friend trying to help you out" sort of concerned. Cid is the "already offered to castrate you multiple times" sort of concerned. I know she's possessed by research papers from your old fling or however it goes.
Vincent: Lucrecia and I were-
Reeve: Nearly thirty. I don't care about the whole non-aging thing Shelke has going on. I would honestly be less creeped-out if you dry-humped Shalua's comatose body at this point.
- Then Shelke asks why the two of them are staring at each other in silence.
- "Why do I get the feeling that Reeve refers to any mild conflict as a war? Trashmen go on strike? Why, it's the Great Rubbish War of '82. A traffic jam during rush hour? East Side Turf War of '07. Blockbuster charges him a late fee on a movie rental? The Prompt Citizen's Revolution."
- The Dark Id finds the whole assault on Midgar moronic, but there is "one golden, shiny moment of utter manliness:"Ladies and Gentlemen, I present you with the unsung star of the game, doing more awesome in five seconds than Vincent has managed in five hours. This guy...◊
The crazy motherfucker not only riding a flying surfboard, but ruining Deepground's shit with a rocket launcher while he's doing it. I have no doubt this man did a backflip, slammed a Dew, and got head from Yuffie, all on the way down.
- "Bwahaha. Yuffie is part of the 'advance squad' of airsurfing chucklefucks and Vincent is the second string back-up? Oh, Vinnie. Even your own game thinks you are a godawful hero."
- Shelke provides directions.Shelke: Head for the central complex and locate a means of reaching the top level. You will only be able to enter Deepground from the upper platform.
The Dark Id: You know what? Given the flow of logic in this game thus far, it makes perfect sense that the only way to reach the hidden city, deep beneath the earth's crust, is to climb to the top of the tallest building on the planet.
- Once that call is over:Now we advance to the next cut-
-scene? What devilry is this? I can move the camera angle in this one? And pressing R1 makes Vincent draw his gun. That could be dangerous... Wait... Wait... I've got this faint memory in the back of my head. A whisper on the wind... What did they call this non-cutscene thing? It had a nice ring to it...
Oh yeah! It's called fucking GAMEPLAY and it's been an hour-and-a-half "ingame" since the last time it appeared in real form in this glorified fanfic. Too bad it's immediately interrupted by another cutscene not twenty seconds later!
Why am I playing this, again...?
- Upon encountering jetpack-equipped enemies:I knew this game was missing something. It had been lingering in the back of my head the entire time. Why aren't there more tiny, fast, obnoxious flying enemies? Thanks, Squeenix. What would I do without you? [...] There's nothing terribly difficult about the Strikes. They're just faster than Vincent can aim, have no set pattern, all have auto-aim enabled, and manage to fly constantly slightly behind the scenery.
- Another Imagine Spot comes when Vince spots Red the Red waiting in a distant boss arena.The Dark Id: Yup... sure enough. There's Rosso waiting patiently for our arrival. How sweet of her. Wait a second... (flashback to the End) ...a boss character outside both boss fight and cutscene. Hmm... I wonder...
(Vincent snipes Rosso in the head◊)
Rosso: THE CRIMSON! The Crimson! The Crimson!
Vincent: Huh... That worked...?
CUTSCENE IS SKIPPED
Reeve: Rosso is dead!? Vincent! You've created a Time Paradox! You can't go around skipping the cutscenes like that.
Vincent: She's not going to add anything. She's just going to taunt me, go through the motions of a boss battle, then die. I guarantee you it will add nothing if I fight her properly.
Reeve: Vincent, you can't go changing the future like that. Vincent, you must understand the cutscenes.
The Dark Id: Oh well. It was worth a shot...
- After summing up Red the Red's offensive capabilities:Sun Tzu once wrote: "All warfare is based on deception. Hence, when able to attack, we must seem unable; when using our forces, we must seem inactive; when we are near, we must make the enemy believe we are far away; when far away, we must make him believe we are near. Hold out baits to entice the enemy. Feign disorder, and crush him."
I believe this was a roundabout way to say "Circle strafe that bitch."
- Vincent feeling Chaos-related indigestion is cast as him finally succumbing to the game he's in.Shelke: Vincent! Is something wrong?
Vincent: ...It's this game. This is just getting stupid. How did I wind up down this path? I mean you're my love interest...? By means of being infected with the personality of my other love interest that didn't work out?
(Vincent Offhand Backhands a Deepground mook)
Vincent: And I can bat things a football field away with just a flick in cutscenes. But I can't jump over a chair on its side at other times? And I... What am I wearing? How did I even get in these clothes to begin with? I was wearing a cheap suit with a zipper on it, before everything went to shit. This... It's just too much. Does anybody out there think this is a cool costume?!
Shelke: Vincent Valentine. Stop breaking the fourth wall. We have done it far too much lately. It needs to be eased off.
- Of course, Shelke has a similar breakdown when she's confronted by Black the Black:Nero: And what do we think we are doing?
Shelke: I don't really know. The script says I'm supposed to fight you now.
Nero: I thought you were against breaking character?
Shelke: I was... However, since coming here I have realized one thing — Vincent Valentine is right. This is all completely retarded. Just look at us. I am supposed to be a nineteen-year-old in the body of a nine-year-old. This somehow makes it OK to put me in a skintight body suit and zoom in on my ass in every cutscene. You are wearing a jockstrap on your head and decked out in some sort of Star Trek S&M garb with robotic wing arms. It does not matter if we break character because this is dumb.
Nero: Pure nonsense. Think of the franchise.
- The game decides to not just recycle old bosses, but throw two of them at our hero at once.Long story short: The fight lasted for exactly thirty seconds. After that, Vincent gets to ride an elevator for even longer than the boss fight lasted. And I die just a little bit more inside.
- A realization when Vincent fights Blue the Blue yet again:You know, before this battle begins. I just want to bring up a point. Now, thus far Azul has probably been the most prominent villain in the game. He's been around since the first stage, popped up numerous times. He's caused the only major good guy (not)death in the game. He is about to be the first reoccurring boss fight that is neither spider nor bot. All that and I'd just like to bring up an interesting point:
Through out the course of the entire game, Vincent has never once spoken to Azul. Just think about that for a minute.
- When Shelke's in her introspective bubble within Black the Black's void:Shelke: I don't know why I'm doing this.
The Dark Id: To any writers out there: It may be a sign of trouble in your narrative if the actual characters in your story have no idea what their motivations are.
- Our LPer keeps track, and by the end of the Deepground stage has suffered through twenty-three keycard hunts.
- One of the later Imagine Spots, after Yuffie tries to play The Cavalry:Nero: She does know this area is entrenched with snipers, correct?
Yuffie: Bask in my rays, evildoers!
Yuffie: (as a Laser Sight aims at her skull) Feel the radiance of Wutai Super Ninja, Yuffie Kisaragi!
Vincent: I'm thinking, no.
Yuffie: Back and ready for action!
Vincent: Very much not.
Shelke: Holy shi—
- Yuffie still manages to faceplant without sniper assistance.Shelke: I think I am just going to go ahead and go back to sleep.
Vincent: I hate my game.
- When Shelke gets stuffed into the healing pod, she takes care to instruct Vincent to press the blue button, not the red button◊.
- The final proper level is full of Demonic Spiders and tedious stage missions, but one part manages to stand out: a pipe jutting across the middle of a corridor, that Vincent could easily jump over were it not for an invisible wall.The game makes you crouch walk underneath it. The crouch walk is never required in any other part of the game. Shit, I didn't even know you could walk while crouching. In fact, I'd forgotten Vincent even could duck because you never, ever need to do so.
WHY?! Why would you do this?!
- Once Vincent and Yuffie reach their objective:Vincent: Alright, Yuffie. You go set the bomb. I'll cover you.
Yuffie: Bomb?! Who said anything about a bomb?
Vincent: Weren't you going to destroy the reactor?
Yuffie: Yeah. And?
Vincent: Well, how were you planning on accomplishing this?
Yuffie: <shrug> Was gonna wack it until numbers stopped coming out of it. Worked well enough so far, right?
- When Black the Black boasts about the imminent revival of White the Clean:Yuffie: You know he's immediately gonna one-shot you when that happens.
Nero: Why would my brother do such a thing?
Vincent: To establish him as the big bad. Even I know that.
Nero: I do not follow.
Yuffie: Duh! You're the main villain right now since everyone else is dead, right?
Nero: I suppose...
Yuffie: So the only way they can establish a new baddie at the end as being a badass is either to have him kill off some minor good guy, which ain't gonna happen unless another Cait Sith strolls in here.
Vincent: Don't talk about stuff like that. You'll jinx us.
Yuffie: Sorry. It's either that or to have him waste the previous bad guy like it's no big thing.
Nero: Rubbish! Besides, I have a trick up my sleeve...
Yuffie: Dude, you don't even have sleeves. This guy is so getting killed off in a couple minutes.
- Two updates later:Yuffie: (offscreen) Haha! Totally called it!
- Two updates later:
- Nero's fantastic line "The essence of death. Its undulations are like a lullaby."The Dark Id: I have nothing to add here.
- Our LPer's reactions to Nero's later phases being named "Arachnero" and "Gorgonero" are "Oh, for fuck's sake!" and "Now you're just making me look bad!", respectively.
- How the hell did Hojo manage to get his consciousness downloaded into Weiss' body? Shelke found a spam e-mail.Hojo: Can help with any problem regarding science. Just need a small, one-time fee of data upload to user's brain. Connect proper cables to frontal lobe and click the following link to begin. AOL users please copy and paste into your address bar.
Azul: This guy sounds legit. Let's do it.
Nero: He is a doctor, after all.
Rosso: I concur. Mighty Weiss, will you do the honors?
Shelke: I do not thing this is such a good id—
Weiss: Silence! Let the downloading begin. I shall be our martyr!
Azul, Nero and Rosso: Heil Weiss!
- The Dark Id points out that Hojo's expository rant makes no sense, and blatantly contradicts what happened in Final Fantasy VII regarding when and why he injected himself with Jenova cells. And as for becoming a Virtual Ghost:Looking back now, there was a solid week between the Hojo fight and the whole Meteor destroying Midgar thing. Which means Hojo got his shit wrecked as a big mutant. Then no one bothered to ya know... nudge him or put a few more bullets in his skull to make sure he was dead. Hojo then survived a solid week post being shot, blown-up, and stabbed on top of the Mako cannon with nobody finding him. He then finally dragged himself to a conveniently-placed computer console and uploaded himself onto the Internet. Did I get all that right? Jesus H. Christ...
- As Hojo jabbers on:Hojo: Only a scientist of my caliber is worthy to become one with Omega and leave this planet for the stars!
The Dark Id: Pictured: a man who once tried to mate a woman and a talking dog.
- When Black the Black reappears and gets the drop on Hojo/Weiss:Hojo: Impossible! I killed you. I even have a flashback to prove it!
The Dark Id: They actually do have a flashback to Nero's death. Just in case you've forgotten it in the last fifteen minutes.
Hojo: There. As you can clearly see, you have been killed. Science has proven it so!
Nero: Oh, doctor. But you forget the science of Retconomy.
Hojo: Whaaaaat?! Impossible. I have a doctorate in Retconomy and Asshology!
- When Nero deals with a problem our hero couldn't handle:And so Weiss strolls off into oblivion with the ghost of his overly affectionate brother and a digital copy of a dead mad scientist coming along for the ride.
The Protomateria bounces into the mako, since I guess there was only so much room on the Weiss boat. Something had to serve as a plot device in the finale. What, you thought the death of the entire villain cast is going to be the end of the game?
And once more, Vincent Valentine had absolutely nothing to do or add to this climax.
- "It would not be a Shelke cutscene if there wasn't a creepy camera angle focusing directly on her ass. Goddammit, Japan..."
- Vincent's superpowered form comes with Death Penalty, the most powerful weapon in the game.So, congrats if you bothered to pour time and grinding into upgrading all the regular game's weapons. The developers saw it fit to invalidate all your efforts on the final stretch.
- When the rest of the old gang is assembling for their final cameos, Reeve is already planning how to spin the day's events.Reeve: I think I'll call this one the Great Omega Armageddon, now that I'm a veteran and key player in it, of course.
- And when the infamous split-screen, power-of-friendship shot happens:The Dark Id: I honestly couldn't make anything more cheesy than this image if I tried.
- During the final boss fight, Reeve codec calls Vincent to tell him how to defeat this Metal Ge- er, Omega Weiss.
- "The game is only 10:30 excluding cutscenes. And they're grading me lower for not completing it faster... What is wrong with this picture...?"
- As (one of the) ending cutscene(s) rolls:Cid: This is dumbest fucking shit I've ever seen.
Cid: Fuck this, let's go get smashed. Where the fuck did I park my airship?
Reeve: You crashed it.
Cid: I just parked it funny is all.
Reeve: You were drunk.
Cid: Have you seen this stupid bullshit? I've been hammered since Kalm.
Reeve: You weren't even in the game at that point...
Cid: Have you seen this stupid bullshit?!
Reeve: You have a point there...
- The Dark Id spends the credits insulting the names that float by during it.Character Modeling Director: Tomohiro Kayano
The Dark Id: Kayano, we all know you rubbed one off while rendering Shelke's ass you sick, sick pervert.
Character Texture Director: Takuji Sasaki
The Dark Id: And Sasaki.. He just watched you do it...
- In conclusion,Fuck this game. Fuck everyone behind the making of this game. Fuck Tetsuya Nomura. Fuck Square-Enix. Fuck Vincent Valentine. Fuck Final Fantasy VII. Fuck J-RPGs. Fuck Japan. Fuck you for enjoying my suffering. And fuck me for going "hey, Dirge of Cerberus... there's a good game to LP" nearly 11 months ago.
Final Fantasy X
- Tidus's◊ reaction to the first time he sees Maester Seymour.Tidus: ...What in the actual fuck...?!
- Auron's flashbacks to a misadventure that he, Jecht, and Braska got into.Exterior shot of the three of them at a strip club.
Braska: I don't know about this...
Jecht: Come on, it'll be fine! What are you worried about?
Braska: But I'm married...with children!
Jecht: Yeah ditto. So what? Are you gonna see them anytime soon on this pilgrimage thing?
Braska: I suppose not.
Jecht: And HOW far did you say the next city was?
Braska: It is going to be a ways...
Jecht: Right. And were all still men here, last I checked. Men got needs! And were gonna go ahead and get those needs out of our system tonight so we can focus on this pilgrimage crap fresh tomorrow.
Jecht: You know its the right thing to do. Cmon Auron. I know you could use some relief for that stick up your ass.
Auron: ...I suppose it can't hurt.
Braska: *sigh* Fine.
Jecht: Hahaha! There it is! Lets get this party started up in here!
—>One hour later... the club is on fire.
Braska: ...Yevon help us...
Jecht: Okay, serious. NOBODY told me that a Guado Firecrotch meant that the chick would literally shoot fireballs outta her business when she got pissed.
Auron: What did you think would happen?!
Jecht: I THOUGHT I was gonna get a show from a freaky tree elf chick.
Auron: There was a STRICT no touching policy.
Jecht: Look, I didnt know there would be reading in a titty club. I dont know how Spira works! This place is WEIRD! You guys gotta tell me this kinda stuff!
- TDI's take on Yuna teaching Tidus to fake smile (with a bit of Photoshopping) brings forth equal measures of hilarity and horror.Yuna: Come on. What is that ? You can do better Is that your best. Come on! Smile harder! Harder! Harder!
Tidus: Gimme a break, man. This is early 2001 graphics peak! Anymore and the polygons on my face are gonna
Then this happens.◊
Yuna: Oh my gosh! Too hard! Youre smiling too hard!
Tidus: I I CANT STOP!! I CANT STOP IT!!
Yuna: W-What?! What what should I do?!
Tidus: Get me a Umm Go get a doctno! A scientist! Go get a scientist!
Yuna: Okay. Just hold on!
- Dona explains (in actual in-game dialog) to Tidus on the Mi'ihen Highroad that no one is able to pass into Mushroom Rock Road until the Crusaders conclude their operation there. Tidus, currently riding a chocobo (and NOT using in-game dialog) spends the entire conversation screaming lyrics from Crazy Chocobo at her.
- Id's description of the Wendigo fight.So this is happening now. Meet the Wendigo according to Final Fantasy. Actual mythological wendigo are from Algonquian Native American folklore and are evil cannibal spirits of the winter that possess humans and force them to devour flesh. Sometimes the stipulation was a human got its Hannibal Lecter on first and the wendigo possession was just the spirit going fuck YEAH I'm all about that, let's do this thing!
- Id's Big "WHAT?!" during the wedding crash when his party gets wiped by a kung fu robot by not only ejecting Auron and Rikku, but then killing Lulu the squishy black mage.
- During the Bevelle Cloister of Trials, Id has some flashbacks to the conveyor belt maze in Metal Gear: Ghost Babel.
- Id freaking right the hell out at Yunalesca's third form."JESUS TAP-DANCING IN SPACE CHRIST!"
- Anytime the game's characters are shown in FMV form, Id refers to them as having been replaced by their Asian Stunt Doubles. Rikku, in particular, is noted for looking completely different in FMVs to the point of being Uncanny Valley.
Jecht: You'll cry. You're gonna cry. You always cry. See? You're cryin'.Tidus: Nuh-uh!Jecht: Oh yeah? Hehe. Your Asian Stunt Double ain't holding it together so well.
- It even extends to the final cutscene between Tidus and Jecht:
I Am Setsuna
- Id notices something rather familiar about Reaper.
- Nidr's extreme distrust of Tenderville throughout the entirety of Chapter 4.
- Chapter 10 has this gem after Setsuna is struck several times by a lightning spell to charge up a spritnite.Nidr: H-hey! You all right!? Setsuna!Setsuna: I'm fine... I just feel a little weak... There was... a lot... of lightning... I hope it doesnt return.
- Id describing Shams, a ghost type of random encounter.Id: As we all know, all Welsh wells are universally haunted. In this case, by humanoid ghosts known as Shams which come packing a whole array of elemental spells exclusively. Ghosts cant punch people. Thats just ridiculous. (Picture of Edward punching a Sham in combat) Ghosts can, however, be punched. Not all ghosts, mind you. Just those in Wales. Do not attempt to punch a ghost in any other region in the British Isles. Scottish ghosts are absolutely not susceptible to fisticuffs. It will go very poorly for you if you try to duke it out with a Scotch Ghost.
- Before going into details about Panaceas, Id has this blurb about how they look like Green Herbs.Id: Well investigate the well momentarily. First lets check out the item discarded nearby. That may look like a Green Herb at a glance. But everyone knows Green Herbs are native to the Arklay Mountains in the Midwestern United States. And Notspain... And death camp islands in South America. And Antarctica... Occasionally on cruise ships. The Balkans. China. Louisiana... But definitely not Wales.
Limbo of the Lost
- The moment gameplay starts, Id notices that Briggs is in a prison cell and Arach (a Gollum-sort of fellow who happens to be hanging from the ceiling,) is bearing down on the captain. In response, Id attempts to invoke his old nemeses...
- His reaction to Cranny Faggot's name."CRANNY. FAGGOT. As silly as a name Spooner may be, you have shit, good captain, on a name like Cranny Faggot. Indeed, I'd be hard pressed to find any character with a more absurd name than Cranny Faggot. Hell, I just played a game with a man named "Hot Coldman" and it might as well be John Smith in comparison.
- The reaction to Benjamin Briggs putting a jaw clamp on the Worrymeister's eyes. Even more so when we find out he did that to get a pen and ink. And then used said pen for the sole purpose of stabbing a tentacle monster in the eye just so he could break off the pen tip and use it to free a guy from shackles!
- During Id's wearingly long investigation in Darkmere, he finally gets into the stables and meets the actual, flayed alive mayor of the town. Worth it for how he finally (reflexively) invokes an old nemesisHuh... Surprisingly enough, the stables actually has horses in it. That's a first. It also has a... Well err... What is that...?
(close up of a skinless chap with a grimace not unlike a◊ Grotesquerie.)
Drakengard! Wait, what?! [...] There are rape faces and then there is what we are looking at. I fear a new term needs to be coined to accommodate what is before us.
- The Mind Screw of an ending sends TDI into full raving lunacy.
Metal Gear: Ghost Babel
- This exchange in Metal Gear: Ghost Babel that outright takes the piss out of the game's almost half-hearted attempt at bowdlerization that still got it rated E For Everyone by the ESRB.Brian McBride: Metal Gear's development was a classified Army project. Even the CIA is not aware of all the details.
Ronard "Weasel" Lensenbrink; In other words, you know jack.
McBride: Yes. Thanks for the clarification for the audience. You know, just rephrasing the obvious in a rude and suspicious manner doesn't make you clever. It makes you an asshole outlaw.
Weasel: Identifying assholes outlaws. There's one thing the CIA excels at.
McBride: It doesn't take CIA Intel in your case. It's written all over your face. Where'd you get the beauty scar, tough guy? Eatin' pussy pineapples?
Mei Ling: That's enough you two. Rated E. For 'Everyone'! Enough of the colorful language!
"A story of a twelve year old boy finding the dismembered corpse of his sister scattered around a field followed by the realization he's going straight for hell for being a monster. ... Rated E for Everyone!"
- There's also his comment on Marionette Owl's post-battle dying speech:
- This video of NieR gameplay. In case you're wondering, that's a boar he's riding...
- When the story leads to Facade, the update title is "It's Coarse and Rough and Irritating and It Gets Everywhere."
- By the time he's found the save point before the boss room of the Barren Temple, "a dungeon composed entirely of box puzzles, avoiding shots from boxes, and destroying boxes," Papa Nier decides to send a letter home:Dear Yonah,
Please empty all the boxes in the house and throw them into the pond before I return. No time to explain. I will tell you all about it when I get back.
- "THE BOXMAN COMETH! THE TYRANNY OF PUSHING THE KING OF CUBES' BRETHREN ONTO WEIGHTED SWITCHES IS AT AN END!"
- Resident Evil references abound when the plot reaches Emil's mansion, and the Dark Id edits the game's item menu appropriately. He's also annoyed when he correctly guesses the names of the keys he'll have to collect, and edits the Star Key and Darkness Key to look like Starky and Ansem.
- When entering the underground laboratory's boss chamber, he hopes he doesn't have to fight "a digital Inuart who's back from the dead via the Internet."
- "JESUS CHRIST!! NOT AGAIN, CAVIA!!! STOP EATING SIDEKICKS!!!"
- After the party is reunited early in Act Two:You know what is probably the very last thing I'd want to see when waking up from a five year slumber...? This!◊
- During the cutscene when Gideon is trying to pull Jakob free of a pile of rubble that collapsed on him:
- When completing a sidequest involving rushing an antidote to a child who was critically ill from eating poisoned berries, The Dark Id busts out the "Trolled by Cavia" graphic, only to cut it off halfway with a "Wait... WHAT?!" when he realizes something.And so the unfortunate boy di-wait... he's fine...? Nier gets 10,000 gold and the boy lives, no problems... the hell?! Are... are you sure? ...Huh. A discount on top of it... Well, that was unexpected. Maybe... maybe Cavia has gotten out of the mean-spirited hatred of all happiness and good in the world for a while...?
- His reaction to the reward for Life in the Sands.
- During an interlude with Caim and Angelus, the dragon makes the mistake of wondering why her partner insists on wearing "that absurd beachwear shoes instead of proper boots?"Caim: (pissed portrait) HEY! Don't knock the crocs! You've seen how much blood I get covered in on an average trip to the grocer, right?
Caim: Well, you ever seen what a bucketload of blood does to a pair of leather boots? Sheesh. I couldn't go a fucking week without the damned things getting ruined. And the squishing sound damp boots make. Bleh! But these fine things? Blood just spills through and drips right out. At the end of the day I can just leave 'em by a window sill and they're good to go for another bloodbath the next day. I swear by these, dragon!
Angelus: I was not expecting for a serious reply.
Caim: Proper footwear maintenance is serious business for a soldier, dragon!
- In the same conversation, when Angelus brings up his reaction to Drakengard's first ending, Caim insists "THERE WAS WATER IN MY EYES FROM THE RAIN, DRAGON! IT WAS RAINING. AND IT GOT! IN MY! EYES!!!" And when asked about the events of Drakengard 2...Angelus: It was... what is the best phrase to sum it up...? Hmph... Ah... I have it... What followed was stupid. Profoundly and utterly stupid...
Caim: Stupider than us getting knocked into a portal in another world and getting blown up by a flying metal bird after having a singing contest with that big preggers bitch?
Angelus: Okay... It was just outside the same ballpark...
- The aftermath of the first battle with the Twins, which leaves the Grimoire Weiss slurring and stammering.The twins gave Weiss a fucking STROKE?! What the hell! You can't just give my snarky sidekick a crippling speech impediment. He's a friggin' floating book! That is all he has going for him! Goddamn, Devola and Popola... Working for the Shadowlord all along was bullshit enough, but this is not cool, girls... Not. Cool!
- When the New Game+ begins and Tyrann appears, he immediately becomes the Lemony Narrator to sum up events as the LP fast-forwards through the unchanged parts. He also takes to calling the main character "Jimbo" because "Nobody EVER says [his name]! Weirdest damn thing." And as for Emil's moments in the abridged script:Emil: I'M A FUCKIN' CARTOON SKELETON! WAAAAAAAAH!!!
- Of course the update where the wolves get slaughtered again is titled "Dirge of Cerberus."
- Since by now The Dark Id is a veteran of these kinds of games, he decides to start his playthrough of NieR: Automata on "Hard." Minutes later, he gets the "Broken [W]ings" ending.Err... Well... Huh.
...Short game.Welp. That happened. Hey. Guess what?DO NOT FUCKING PLAY THE PROLOGUE ON HARD OR VERY HARD!!!DO NOT FUCKING PLAY THE PROLOGUE ON HARD OR VERY HARD!!!DO NOT FUCKING PLAY THE PROLOGUE ON HARD OR VERY HARD!!!The game said it didnt auto-save. Theres not any save or checkpoints until after the prologue. There are no achievements for playing on Hard or Very Hard. You are a dingus who ripped their shirt out and flapped your dick about before getting owned if you die on the tutorial and deserve any ridicule you get, you masochistic dumbass.
- When 2B and 9S call attention to the avian wildlife in the prologue level:You know, I'm just now remembering NIER 1 and having to grind eagle eggs...
(Pod 042 opens fire on the flock of birds)
Threat identified. Eliminating. Directive: fuck birds. (Angry Fist-Shake)
- "Anyway, we're now fighting a sentient oil rig with buzzsaws for arms. Thats not where I saw this mission going, but here we are..."
- The beginning of our LPer's issues with 9S:On the one hand, you did Red Hot Kick that buzzsaw with a mech. On the other hand, you did get almost instantly owned. I'm gonna call this one a wash on your performance review, 9S...
- "Unfortunately, Engels' naptime was VERY brief and it's up and active again. I'm not sure if it knows we're running around on its back. That's got to feel gross if it does."
- When 9S is still finding ways to contribute even after his mangled ass got left on top of the prologue boss:Huh. 9S is still in the fight. You know, in retrospect maybe we should have... I dunno... tied him down to something up top there? He cannot be having a fun time trying to hack this machine one-armed while desperately hanging onto a railing by his leg or whatever is happening up there.
Engels still has access to its missile pods. Which... all kind of seem like they're firing from up where we left 9S. Now I'm just imaging that poor android kid as rolling out of the way of opening missile tubes while hanging onto a railing by his foot and cracking a Unix system with his remaining arm. Dude is having a rough day...
- The Dark Id reveals what "YoRHa" stands for: "Yo REAL HOT androids."
- After removing the androids' OS chip from 2B's inventory and earning the "Fa[T]al Error" ending, the Dark Id concludes that 9S must be "freaking the FUCK out because 2B just stuck her hand into the back of her head, pulled out her brain, and flopped over dead."
- Even after all these years, the bitterness remains.Unlike the first NIER, most all sidequest have OK rewards. There's no Life in the Sands where you devote two hours of your life to getting a total fucking third of the reward we just got. You MOTHERFUCKERS, CAVIA! (Angry Fist-Shake)
- The image used for the chapter highlight video for "More Life in the Sands" has multiple shots of an outraged Anakin Skywalker overlaid on some dunes.
- A terrible revelation comes early in the game.
- "Eventually, the mighty machine lifeform sinks to its knees and explodes into a shower of metal and bolts as our androids showboat and upload the footage◊ to YoRHaTube. 6O is already pounding the Like button as we speak."
- Id's reaction to the... gathering of machines in the desert.Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh... 9S. 9S, is my mind in the gutter or are these robots trying to bone...?
- NieR Automata's first great "What the fuck?!" moment.
- On starting up the first fight with Adam.
- Poor 9S has a rough time during the Adam fight, and catches a "face full of robot taint" during one of Adam's attacks. And as said boss' attack patterns continue to evolve:Since Hadokens were evidently not enough firepower, Level 7 Adam also learned the technique of semi-tracking ground explosions. That's a classic play out of the 2D platformer boss book. He'd better not be reading up on other genres now. I am uninstalling this game and abandoning the LP if he starts busting out rhythm commands.
- After the birth of Eve:Or... another dude crawled out of the first dude's stomach. That's not something you see every day. Though to be fair, I've seen weirder. Call me back when a blood covered regeneration clone crawls out of a magic flower growing out of your eye socket.
- The Dark Id has some stern words for the next group of Machines encountered:Hey guys, sorry to burst through a wall while you're just hanging out and suddenly murder you all. But question: did you all know about the Desert Housing... event? That was a weird scene to walk in on, guys. You all need to put up a warning sign or some shit in the future. Maybe a big Do Not Disturb sign or a tie on the door handle. I dunno. Figure it out, guys.
- When Anemone gives our protagonists a room at the Resistance outpost:Let's lay down some ground rules here if we're going to be roommates, 9S. The big bed with the trunk big enough to stuff a corpse or two into and the ample space? That's 2B's bed.
This dank corner with the shoebox surrounded by rotting books and some wet cardboard boxes? Welcome to your new home away from home, 9S.
- Upon entering the Amusement Park:...9S, are you seeing this shit? What the fresh fuck is all this?! Didnt we just get back from fighting a teleporting machine built Ken Doll? How are we already at something even weirder? YoRHa better be paying us overtime for this.
- Meeting the Party Tank:Hell yeah. The Party Tank is here! This shit is on now! That isn't tank exhaust coming out of that thing. The machines are hotboxing the inside of that tank. They know how to have a good time. C'mon 9S. Let's get in on that action. Time to get 2Baked.
As a side note: The Party Tank may be all about partying and fun times. But it DOES have a responsible designated driver who uses proper breaking and turn signals while while harmlessly driving around the lot having a good time.
- After the conversation where 9S asks if 2B would call him Nines.Shut up, 9S. You giant dork. I know damn well you don't have any other friends and nobody calls you Nines. Stop trying to start a nickname or else your designation is going to become 9Steve. Is that what you want, 9Steve? No? I didnt think so. Now get your shit together and help shoot some robots.
- The battle with Simone brings back some rather dark memories:Also in her wide arsenal, Simone's song produces rings out from her body which both produce massive explosions as they strike the ground and trigger a PTSD response to Drakengard 1 and 3's final ending. That's a real fucked-up thing to pull out of nowhere in the middle of a boss fight, game.
- "I suppose a 15-foot-tall cybernetic opera singer with a belt and headdress adorned with flayed android corpses is one way to top a Dickless Sephiroth."
- The Machines' alien creators turn out to be "...Giant shriveled-up scrotums. Err... Like I'm not projecting here, right? That's just a giant penis with eye sockets, a couple nose holes and tentacles coming out of the bottom... I mean... That's what we're all looking at right here, right?"
- Which means when Adam and Eve show up, we get a showdown between "great butt androids and great abs machines in a room full of great big dead dicks..."
- 2B takes her first hit of E-Drug. The following hilarity ensues from the day after.2B: Ugh... Oh... That... that was a mistake... Uggh... What happened? Why is it so drafty...? Are... are we on a rooftop...?
9S: 2B, are you OK?!
2B: Why is it so dark? Are my optics dama9S... 9S... where are your...? (2B has a Machine Head mask on, and both she and 9S have self-destructed) 9S... Where are your pants?
9S: You... umm... you sorta picked me up and tore them off screaming that "pants are prohibited" before tearing off your umm... *looks away blushing*
2B: ...And that explains the draft. What... is this on my head...? Why... does it smell like oil and vomit?
9S: Well, after that you ran off and tore off the first machines head you found and said you had to "gather intel for Command" and well... I think you can guess where it ended up...
(also on the roof is a boar)
2B: ...And the boar?
9S: Oh that... That you uppercut and mounted declaring you were "subjugating it for the Glory of Mankind."
2B: ..... How long was all this going on?
9S: About two minutes, give or take. It took a while to catch up to you on the boar. I... didn't know boars could drift...
Pod 042: (looking like Grimoire Weiss) Proposal: Purge all data on this incident from memory database and back-up drives before resetting state at nearest Access Point.
9S: *nervous nod* Y-Yeah...
- "Family Squabble" may be an Escort Mission, but it's also a rarity for one key reason:I can't believe we just prevented child murder in a Yoko Taro game. Maybe this is gonna be a big paradigm shift in his attitude towards children killing...
- Why does The Dark Id hate the quest to travel across the land, talking to Jean-Paul's admirers?Thank goodness we now have Fast Travel. It would really suck to have to hoof it to all those locations on foot. Yep... Sure would suck if someone did that not knowing there would eventually be an instant way to teleport between major locations.
- And after going through all that, the quest reward is a dismissive letter from Jean-Paul amid the normal currency, experience points and items.Platinum Games is soft. If Cavia still were around that letter would have been the only quest reward for completing this nonsense. Not that Im longing for those days of trolling bullshit, mind you.
- And after going through all that, the quest reward is a dismissive letter from Jean-Paul amid the normal currency, experience points and items.
- The fact that Eagle Eggs, which had a chance to spawn in exactly one area of the original NieR, are now a common drop in the Forest Kingdom, is described as some "beyond-the-grave Cavia trolling."
- The Dark Id admits that our protagonists don't have much of a story justification for their actions at this point.Onward to the raid on the Forest Kingdom's Castle for... no real reason. I know it's been a while with all the sidequests, but we just asked Pascal if he knew about any weird things the machines were up to and he mentioned these guys. Then 2B and 9S proceeded to flip out and murder their way through these machines' territory to see what was up. No real reason. We just don't have any important standing orders beyond investigating the machines. Caim (usually) had more reason for his murder rampages than our android protagonists do at the moment.
- After 2B almost calls 9S "Nines":9S, thats not a cool nickname. That's like a midboss in a shitty villain team named after playing cards would name himself. You don't see 2B insisting people call her... what? Toobie? Is that the road you want to go down next, 9S? Toobie and Nines? Those are third rate shovelware 3D platformer mascots' names. Toobie & Nines: Trouble in Robotropolis coming Fall 1997 only on the Sony Playstation!
Have some respect for yourself, 9S. Christ...
- While ransacking the Machines' castle:Machine: Don't let them take anything else from us!
The Dark Id: Guys, look. We're not taking anything from your kingdom... Other than everything in treasure chests that isn't being nailed down. But we do that to our allies as well. It's nothing personal. Just part of YoRHa's standard practices in the field. Now just line up for your decommissioning and we'll be on our way to loot and kill further into your home turf. (beat) ...We're not even pretending to be anything but the baddies in this plot beat.
- But then things take a turn when Toobie and Nines overhear the local machines discussing a raid on Pascal's village.Pre-emptive strike, huh...?
HOWDY, MOTHERFUCKERS! HEARD YOU ALL WERE FIXIN' TO ROLL ON MY BOY PASCAL AND FRIENDS IN THE MACHINE VILLAGE. YOU HEARD THAT TOO. RIGHT, 9S? SOUNDS LIKE WE GOT US JUSTIFICATION TO...
Kill. YOU. ALL.
Gotta love it when your unprompted raid into neutral territory is retroactively justified mid-massacre. Thanks, boys. Now if we have to go assassinate your king, we're completely in the right. See, 9S. We're not the baddies at all!
- Before taking the "Photographs" quest:Alright. Yeah sure. Thats just the Magic Kingdom. Lady you wanna hop on a flight unit and point yourself eastward to get yourself over to Florida. Youre on the wrong continent. The old human records show thats where they sent their elderly to die in prison camp communes run by exiles from the least intelligent members of their clans. Beware the Floridaman. Legends claim he was an agent of chaos who possessed people driving them to incredible acts of insanity and ill-conceived machinations.
- What picture does Id have in mind after 2B and 9S talk about shopping in the mall? Yoko Taro rolling on the floor shouting "NIER AUTOMATA T-SHIRT!"
- When The Dark Id wanders past the desert sandstorm and finds some big round objects, at first he's concerned he's found more Seeds of Resurrection, but then he realizes he's surrounded by giant Emil heads.
- Our LPer reminds us that the stuff about an army of Emil clones fighting an alien invasion was first introduced in a not-quite-serious NieR drama CD.Never doubt the joke endings of Yoko Taro. That fucker was 100% serious with all of that! Did you forget Drakengard Ending E?!
- When 2B accepts a quest to provide bacon to an NPC trying to learn how to cook:You heard it here first, folks. You can see it on her face.◊ Clear as day. Quite the foodie here.
- After the androids idly discuss human dental hygiene and dietary difficulties:The androids are going to be so disappointed when their creators are all flabby messes with bad teeth that waste all their time doodling lewd illustrations of android butts.
- "One of these days we're going to fully succeed with one of our missions. No strings attached. No sacrifices to destroy the enemy. No Pyrrhic victory. Just a straight across-the-board mission success on 2B and 9S's records. (beat) This is not one of those days..."
- Why is 2B going through so much trouble to get 9S back after the disastrous fight with Grun?It won't be the same to yell at an earlier back-up copy of 9S if we need to get a new one. He technically would have had nothing to do with ramming a missile into a giant robot's mouth right next to 2B. That's the trouble with constructing back-up androids if the old one dies. You cannot even yell at them for their fuck-ups! It's a huge morale hit...
- After finding that Adam is holding a crucified 9S prisoner:Oh boy... This is gonna get creepy, isnt it? And if it doesn't get creepy, this is gonna inspire a massive amount of creepy fan art.
- After 2B gets done fighting Adam in the Copied City, she's still very pissed at 9S due to him shooting a missile at the boss with only a 5-second warning.2B: 9S what the HELL was that about with the five-second warning before that missile hit that giant machine? Huh? You nearly blew me up! You DID blow me up! I got launched all the way back to the shore and lost consciousness for EIGHT HOURS, 9S! Do you know how bad it is to be offline for EIGHT HOURS?! A machine could have just wandered on up and killed me at any point... Plus I lost *another* Flight Unit and I'm guessing, giving youre hanging out here with that creepy weirdo machine, you lost yours too. Good work, 9S. Great! The Commander is going to be thrilled with us about that one... Those things cost the same as TEN YoRHa androids, 9S. Ten! 6O told me after the last set we lost and the Commander was pissed...
2B: Five seconds. Really? No verbal warning? No... "Heads up, 2B! Missile launched!" You just throw up a five second general alert timer on the network HUD and that's it? I know how missiles work. They take a while to arm. You had time to give a fair warning... But no. Don't want to ruin 9S's missile surprise! I told Pod not to report you for desertion because I believed you had it handled. Maybe that was a bad call...
2B: You know I just remembered I have no idea what happened to that Pascal machine after the missile hit. I haven't seen him since then. That machine could be dead for all I know. So next time youre at the machine's village, feel free to explain to that one machine with the pink bow where children come from and why you murdered her Uncle Pascal with a missile strike...
9S: Ugh. 2...?
2B: And another thing... that whole "Nines" nickname? Stop trying to push that! I know nobody calls you Nines. All your friends call you that? What friend, 9S? WHAT FRIENDS? Im the only person you EVER hang out with and that's just because we're assigned together. I was messing with my plug-in chip configuration for a good 20 minutes the other day in the middle of the Resistance Camp and you didn't even attempt to make the first bit of small talk with any of the Resistance androids. Not a one! I finished and you were just standing exactly where I left you leering at my butt. And don't think I dont know youre staring there. I KNOW!
9S: B-Bee...? *spits up blood*
2B: I have NEVER heard you talk to anyone else! None of these people that supposedly call you "Nines." Not even your Operator. Do you even HAVE an Operator, 9S? Operator 6O just sent me ANOTHER email full of cat pictures. I don't even KNOW what a cat is! Was it something humans ate? I have no idea. But she keeps sending me pictures of them and I keep accepting because she's my friend. I have those and nobody has given me a stupid fake nickname, Nine-S.
2B: You know what, 9S? Maybe one of your pals that call you Nines will come and help you out. Maybe you havent nearly blown THEM up with a missile... Good luck with that...
Cue Ending I. "Idiot."
- The Dark Id is willing to give the robot religion the benefit of a doubt, even though "it's a slippery slope from JRPG organized religion to demon-worshiping sect trying to summon a Cthulhu or cannibal space babies," but he warns that "if these guys are led by some little girl robot wearing red and talking in a pack a day smoker voice, we're purging the whole facility immediately. I ain't doing that again..."
- Upon finding The Engine Blade and reading its weapon story:Welp. That managed to characterize the relationship between Noctis and his dad Sean Bean in a few paragraphs better than several meandering hours of supplementary materials. You can take that as a testament to the NieR series having pretty good writing or an indictment of Final Fantasy XV having pretty bad writing.
- After a 9S-controled machine greets 2B and Pascal during the escape from the factory:Hey, 9S. Question: You couldn't use your hacking to control the machines this entire time and were just holding back, right? That'd be daft. Surely that is not the case. You just have enhanced hackerman abilities since you're performing intrusions from the Bunker, right? ...Right? I will be extremely cross with you if that is not the case. You're already on thin ice after that missile thing.
- Near the endgame of Ending A, 9S makes his Big Damn Heroes entrance by slamming his flight unit into Boku-Shi.Up in the sky... Is it a bird...? Is it a plane...?
(9S kamikazes his flight unit into Boku-Shi)
No, it's 9S destroying another goddamn Flight Unit! 9S, what the FUCK?! We were just mildly inconvenienced by that thing but otherwise had it mostly beaten. You could have just flown down here and provided support and we would have had that fight. Why did you think the best idea was to kamikaze it from space with your war mobile suit?! You stupid idiot child! Goddammit!
(9S faceplants into the ground before bouncing towards 2B)
As a small consolation, we do get to immediately see 9S totally eat shit hard after his antics. So that's fun.
- During the Route A/B ending, The Dark Id rushes to defend the passages to Pascal's Village because "Nobody is messing with that cute dingus machine filled village. We've still got like over half the game's runtime to go for something terrible to happen to it. Please don't jump the gun."
- When 2B has Eve at her mercy:Perhaps now that he's chilled the fuck out 2B can initiate a dialogue with the defacto leader of the machine lifeforms and begin talks to broker a peace between the two factions in order to end this endless proxy war between the two races. It'd be gr-
...Or she could just stab him in the head. I guess that works too. Problem solved. You know... unless like three dozen machines decide to cluster together again and poop out another Sephiroth. Or god help us, they get creative and out comes a Seymour. The darkest of timelines.
- After Ending A, our LPer considers just stopping there, since "it is something resembling a happy ending for most folks involved" and obviously things are getting to get worse the longer the story goes on.
- When Route B starts with 9S looking up at the contrails of the YoRHa fighter squadron:It's all happening again... Welcome back to the Prologue of NieR: Automata. Up in those distant skies, an android is about to get blown to bits because some human overseer was a dipshit that decided to start the game on Hard difficulty.
- Since the conversation beats between 9S and 2B come much faster in this route, The Dark Id guesses that 2B is either a speedrunner or using exploits to zip through the level. And after confirming that 9S can indeed hack any enemy in the game to cause it to explode, he concludes that the Hackerman is a real asshole for not doing that to help deal with some of the tougher fights in Route A.
- The Dark Id earns the "mission [F]ailed" ending by running out the timer on 9S' self-repair after going on a three-minute tangent about video game console data storage.
- Route B sees the return of Id's italics, like during the first dramatic cutscene.2B: 9S! Ive got to repair him!
2B: Pod, get me some health potions. Medium or large-sized ones! Hes too weak to chain chug multiple small ones in a row.
Pod 042: Inadvisable. To use a human idiom from the old world, YoRHa Unit 9S has been "hella owned." Proposal: Initiate Old Yeller Protoc-
2B: Shut up! Just do what I say! I'll go find his leg and his arm and we'll tape them back on and he'll be just fine! Got it!?
9S: *coughs blood* 2B... Just go...
2B: You shut up too!
9S: We... we're sold... iers... I'll just... respawn at the last... control point... go... before we lose... too many flags...
- And then when the Engels surround 2B and 9S, they burst into "Last Surprise" from Persona 5.
- Of course, the self-destruction of 2B and 9S during the prologue of Route B isn't without Black Comedy:9S Requesting ... destruction of enemy hostiles via black-box reaction.
21O: Request accepted. RIP.
Pod 042: Proposal: Im out.
Pod 153: Affirmation: Same.
9S: 2B, it was an honor to fight with you. Best five minutes... of combat Ive ever had... Truly.
2B: The honor was mine. I did most of the work...
- The weapon merchant at the Resistance outpost is subbing in for Accord because he heard she was off "preventing some guy named Norway or... something like that... from having children."
- What's Jackass up to on Route B?Jackass: Blowing shit up mostly. For science.
Jackass: Don't sweat it. I already have everything I need out of you two for my study. Avoiding mackerel in the future.
Jackass: Science doesn't care about routes.
- The masked Machines are a little more effective with their trash talk this time around.Masked Machine 1: Stop. Scary. Cruel. Smell bad. Bad hair. Gross. White hair. Stupid. Idiot.
9S: Don't listen to them, 2B. Nothing machines say means anything.
Masked Machine 2: Shorts. For. Idiots. Stupid. Baby. Idiot. Shorts. Boy.
9S: None of it means a thing. They're just accessing random data is all.
Masked Machine 1: Kill. Shorts. Boy.
Masked Machine 2: Here. Lies. Shorts. Boy. He. Never. Scored.
9S: That's it... We're taking these things out!
- 9S realizes that despite appearances, Adam is a Machine, not an Android, because his butt's too flat. And then when he calls his Operator afterward and mentions some other oddities:9S: Parts of it were uhh... incomplete.
21O: Please be more specific with your reporting, 9S. Vaguely detailed accounts are counter-productive.
9S: It uhh... well, it had the appearance of a white, long-haired human male but didn't have... Parts... between its legs? Like... you know...
21O: A penis was missing?
21O: Logging Unit 9S inspected humanoid machine and found it lacking reproductive organs.
9S: You don't have to put it like that! It's not like I was specifically looking for its pe
- The Commander is annoyed after learning (again) that the aliens were Dead All Along.
- After finishing "Parade Escort" and discovering that one of the Love Freak robots has instead embraced nihilism, The Dark Id reminds us that "This is the lighthearted half of the game, by the way... Stay tuned for more!"
- When 2B has her first line of dialogue after a long stretch of silence during Route B:Holy shit! 2B, you can still speak? We were all starting to get worried there for a bit. Thought you were gonna pull a Rico Banderas on us the latter half of the game or something.
- Despite 9S' claim that he's glad Father Servo's dead, the Dark Id knows how he feels deep down.◊
- The "Amnesia" quest is annoying since it ends after 9S takes a closer look at some files he already examined.Boy, it's like we could have saved everyone a lot of time and effort if we'd just not half-assed the first hacking job. This is all your fault, 9S. What did you unlock the first .jpeg in a folder you found and called it a day last time? Idiot.
- The Dark Id is confident that the "Half-Wit Inventor" quest, in which a Machine accidentally sends a rocket to Mars, is going to be the lead-in to NieR 3.As long as they don't try fracking Hell while they are over there. NieR's planet has already dealt with interdimensional beings and an alien invasion. It doesn't need hell demons coming to rumble too.
- Meeting Emil again:9S: Okay, what WAS that?!
Pod 153: Proposal: Newly rebranded mascot character of franchise due to unusual appearance.
9S: ...A what now?
Pod 153: No further data found.
2B: Let's just go.
9S: Er, right.
- Our shorts-wearing Scanner is still pushing his nickname.9S: When do you think you'll be willing to call me "Nines?"
The Dark Id: It's not happening, 9S. That nickname is NEVER happening. 2B could be surrounded by molten lava in a volcano while the Grotesqueries descend upon her and the only way of getting out of that pinch is to call you "Nines" and she'd still go "Ehh... I'm good." Let it go, man...
- After repeating the encounter with A2:9S: I'm sorry, Commander. We failed to defeat the fugitive.
YoRHa Commander: I see. <leans off-screen briefly> 14O, cancel that KIA report for units 2B and 9S. Yeah, they made it. I'm surprised too.
- 2B's pretty excited◊ to be back in a Flight Unit.
- Seeing the Grun encounter from 9S' perspective clarifies The Dark Id's old grievance:So as it turns out, 9S wasn't a huge jerk that performed a danger close missile strike with only giving his allies a five second heads up before striking the target...
He was actually a huge idiot physically riding the missile to its target and forgot to inform anyone the missile was about to hit because he was hanging on for dear life to the side of the thing trying to steer.
This went much better in 9S's mind.◊ The execution was much different.
- Arguing theology with the Machine suicide cult:Machine: Everyone shall die and become gods!
The Dark Id: Whatever, robot. 9S has died twice in this game and this dweeb certainly isn't anything approaching a divine being. Unless he's the God of Being Dunked On a lesser-known deity in certain eastern religions.
- More context behind 9S' abuse of Dynamic Entry and expensive Flight Units:Yep. 9S's flight unit wasn't damaged or anything. It was working perfectly fine. This was literally his Plan A after roughly 2.8 seconds of knowing 2B's location and hearing she was engaged with an enemy.
In Route C, the game becomes a courtroom drama in which 9S is court-martialed for repeated reckless destruction of YoRHa military property. It's an open-and-shut case as footage of this boneheaded ass display ◊is just looped on repeat over the Command Room Jumbo Tron. The remainder of the game plays out in Robo Prison. It gets weird.
- "Welp. This is happening now. We could have just stopped at Ending A or B and everything would have been fine. But nooooo... Now look what happens."
- Just because 9S has becomes more bloodthirsty doesn't mean he's earned our LPer's respect.Machine Knight: I'll... <bzzt> I'll kill you!
9S: "I'll kill you?" ...Heh. That's my line.
The Dark Id: 9S, I know you're down a ruinous path of revenge and hatred for all machines. But don't try cool guy one-liners. You still look like someone who has recently been shoved into a locker. Even if you fully backed that up and murdered everyone in about 20 seconds.
- The Dark Id assumes that Taro Yoko intended for the bedroom in the Resistance outpost to be the only working save point during Route C, only to be talked down.Cavia would have done that. And charged you for using the room each time.
- Why are we spending an update on box-pushing puzzles?The last err... all of the updates in Route C have been either ominous, a bummer or an ominous bummer... Let's try to lighten the mood a bit with a sidequest that doesn't result in depressed robots or any deaths... Probably...
- Update 123 is titled "An Inevitability" because, well, "As disheartening as it is to see the Machine Village destroyed, we all knew this was eventually going to happen in some form."
- The Dark Id assumes that the Abandoned Factory is Pascal's go-to hiding spot because "There was already one machine massacre here. Maybe the reasoning is it would be absurd for two to happen the same week."
- When Pascal's questline concludes in the most depressing way possible, all The Dark Id can say is "Guess I called that one."
- Upon completing "The Twins' Request:"So that's fun. Our generosity helping a couple of down-on-their-luck androids has caused one of them to fall off the wagon and sink back into alcoholism. Drakenier!
- Cruel Arrogance has an acceptably grimdark weapon story, and The Dark Id appreciates the reference to NieR in it, except he also knows the spear never appeared in that game.Stop writing fanfictions with baby murder, Accord.
- When a critically-damaged (and mentally-deranged) 9S limps back to the Resistance Camp.Anyway, yo... Devola... Popola... our boy 9S here is all kinds of fucked-up. You two wanna come take a look at him. Also his body is sparking regularly and you two should probably check that out too.
- The bleak and depressing Route C culminates in 9S entering the Tower, being surrounded by clones of 2B, and finally embracing his inner Caim.He gazed upon these 2Bs. Three routes it had taken him to learn what kind of smile was hidden under that Emil mask. O cruel, needless misunderstanding! O stubborn, self-willed exile from the loving breast! But it was all right, everything was all right, the struggle was finished. He had won the victory over himself. He loved this shit.◊
- 9S' taking out the Logic Virus-infected aerial squadron is simply the end to his quest to destroy every Flight Unit in existence. "He's very vocal about his desire to kill all machine lifeforms but the vendetta against YoRHa's mechas has been there since the very beginning."
- Even when he gets a new costume from the DLC, in his case Brother Nier's pre-timeskip outfit, The Dark Id notes that 9S is just not allowed to wear pants.
- Id spends some time showing off the Golden Bunny and how to milk it for XP with the right pod and chip combos, getting himself to level 99. At the end of the update, he needs Beast Skins which come from boars and moose before remembering a detail he forgot!
- A moment of sympathy for the enemy:It must be real fucked for the machines to essentially be crappy Terminators dealing with the scrappy human resistance in the flash forward sequences for thousands of years. Then suddenly one day a crazy anime cyborg runs in like a lunatic and Zandatsus your entire company, Red Hot Kicks all your support vehicles into pieces and dashes off into the night. Seemingly while blindfolded the entire time.
- Id shows off a bit of DLC that involves the Machine Lifeforms. Id is incredulous that after well over 9000 years, they discovered the word and concept of senpai.Who the FUCK taught this machine about the concept of a senpai? I hope Plato annihilated them in his insane purge alongside whatever anime DVDs it had acquired.
- Our LPer isn't impressed with the DLC, but does find some catharsis during the Bonus Boss battle at the end of it:
- His reaction to the reward for "Reconnaissance Squad."Our final reward is a bunch of materials we don't need, a sack of cash that isn't necessary and literally worthless EXP. Well, it's not quite 10,000 G for hours of gardening. But it's not too far off...
- Id describing 9S's final moments in Ending D.9S takes this distraction opportunity to run A2 through with his sword, killing her pretty much instantly. Except... 9S is, and has always been, a massive fuck-up and manages to accidentally fall straight on A2s sword (which is technically 2B's sword) while killing her, impaling himself as well. Nice work, Nines... You managed to have 2B do you in one last time even months after she's been dead. A2 is already dead. 9S on the other hand, well... We're treated to him thrashing around and screaming with a sword stuck in his gut for a while... ...a kind of uncomfortably long while... ...you really fucked that one up, 9S.
- During Ending D, when the Machine's ark takes off for space:Perhaps the only winning move to dealing with the Drakenier version of Earth is to just get the hell off of it. I don't think Yoko Taro can reach anyone in deep space. Yet...
- After all he's been through, The Dark Id greets the Square-Enix nameplate as a mortal enemy during the end credits shoot-'em-up segment in Route E.
- Wrapping up the experience:In any case, that was NieR: Automata. I hope you all enjoyed joining me on Yoko Taro's Wild Ride. Somehow Yoko Taro got blackout drunk, got Square-Enix to give funding to PlatinumGames and made the game of the year in a year full of great games. And it actually sold well. And there will almost definitely be another one.... somehow. It keeps happening...
No one stops... It's way too late to stop.
No one stops!
- Some of the fanart collected in the LP index are magic marker drawings from The Dark Id's son, and in them Emil is still Top Boy, and 9S is just as much of a Butt-Monkey as he is in the LP proper. One image is just 9S getting thrown off a cliff by a Stubby, while another Stubby gives a thumbs up. And another piece is a portrait of Caim, Slasher Smile and all.The Dark Id: Occasionally I'm an irresponsible parent but... c'mon... This is pretty good.
- The whole Resident Evil series. All of them belong here. ESPECIALLY Resident Evil 4."Leon ditches Ashley out in the open in an area just filled with people trying to capture her. Nice guy. Then again, she's not remotely awesome enough to ride... The Fantabulous Magma Transversing Gearmatic Device!"
Mendez: Legs are for Bears fans.
- The U3 fight. The entire U3 fight. The horrible abomination Boss Battle turns into a Musical Episode with the monster (which has the head of Gene Simmons) and Leon singing. And then Bono enters into the picture...
- The fight against the Verdugo is turned into a grudge match between Leon and his half-brother Todd (yes, a monster happens to be Leon's half-brother, just roll with it), and ends with an out-of-nowhere interlude where Bitores Mendez welcomes the Verdugo to "Second-Banana Heaven".
- Leon vs Mendez. Starts with a dance-off in which Leon cleans Mendez' clock, then Mendez gets angry and lashes out at Leon who promptly kicks over a drum of Mountain Dew and shoots it, igniting it. It then becomes a showdown between Packers fan Mendez and Bears fan Leon. note
- There was this gem from his Resident Evil 1 remake LP, when Chris finds the articles about S.T.A.R.S..S.T.A.R.S. TEAM INVESTIGATES MISSING BICYCLE. SIX DEAD.
R.P.D.S FINEST DEFUSE HOSTAGE SITUATION WITH GRENADE LAUNCHERS. FIFTEEN DEAD.
RACCOON CITY SPECIAL FORCES TEAM CRACK DOWN ON FOURTH OF JULY FIREWORK BAN. FOURTEEN DEAD.
S.T.A.R.S. LAUNCHES NEW PR CAMPAIGN. HIRES MINORITY MEMBERS AND 18 YEAR OLDS. THREE DEAD.
BRIAN IRONS LAUNCHES BID FOR MAYOR. S.T.A.R.S. SECURITY DETAIL STOP ASSASSINATION ATTEMPT BY 81 YEAR OLD REPUBLICAN TERRORIST. FOUR DEAD.
BRAVO TEAM GOES MISSING IN ARKLAY MOUNTAINS. ALL PRESUMED TO BE DEAD.
ALPHA TEAM LAUNCHES SEARCH AND RESCUE MISSION FOR MISSING BRAVO TEAM. NINE DEAD.
- The Rant-Inducing Slight caused by meeting zombie sharks:The Dark Id: Now, it's a bit far fetched that you'd find sharks in the middle of a mid-western wooded mountain. But, it's Umbrella and I can see them importing that shit here. What I cannot fathom is the need for zombie sharks. Look at this fucking thing◊. This creature does not, in any way, need the 'undead' attribute under its belt. What is it going to do? Spread the virus to the hand it left behind because it fucking ate everything else in one chomp? The fruits of the T-Virus labor here seem to be, surprise, making a really big ass shark. Now at least if James fucking Bond is trying to sneak into one of Umbrella's secret underwater bases, they've got that covered. Assuming they could control the sharks, which they cannot, and we assume the shark would not eat James Bond otherwise, which it would. In what other instance will a shark be any remote use for a biological weapon? This isn't like the usual 'whoops, we had an accident' monster creations. Umbrella actually built a multi-million dollar underground "Aqua Ring" to culture shark bio weapons to sell to the highest bidder. Which brings us back to James Bond. Since who in the fuck else but Bond Villains would be in the market for gigantic fucking zombie sharks? Even then, you know they're just going to be stuck into a pit while Bond and the secretary he's fucking that week is lowered slowly into said pit! In summary, zombie sharks are fucking retarded, even for Umbrella standards. Thank you for your time.
- The epic but ridiculous battle in the center of what maybe either Chris's mind or time and space itself between him and the vengeful Billy "FUCKING" Coen. To wit: The Dark Id shows Ghost!Billy possessing a Hunter and killing poor Rebecca as revenge for killing him at the end of Zero (It Makes Sense in Context) and Chris kills him in retaliation. After that, things get weird as during the Resident Evil 2 LP, Rebecca was supposed to repair Todd Kennedy's window. The result is a Time Paradox of mad proportions resulting in Chris ending up in Sprite style and being menaced by Billy possessing a bird and trying to rip his eyes out. THEN they have a battle in the style of Soul Calibur 3, custom characters and all, with Chris wielding a simple knife and Billy armed with a giant fuck-off zweihänder. THEN it becomes a brief battle film as done in The Movies with Chris winning a knife fight by pulling out his shotgun and plugging Billy right in the chest. THEN it comes to a head when various members of the STARS team from beyond the grave (From various Resident Evil comic panels) attempt to encourage Chris to fight back. After that, he ends up rescuing Rebecca. TWICE for good measure (One in PSX style, the other in the remake). And it is so ridiculous as to be the funniest thing an LP of Resident Evil can be.
- The earlier acid trip Chris has after getting poisoned by Yawn, done like a Text Adventure game, complete with a cameo from the very posh El Gigante and Claire. It comes out of nowhere and makes for a surprisingly chortlesome sequence.
- The climax of the Resident Evil (1) LP. Tyrant-Billy has Chris and the others on the ropes. Brad drops down a boombox leading to a brief screenshot-music-video thing to the tune of "Paint It, Black". Then Brad drops down the rocket launcher after realising his mistake. Of course, it turns out Tyrant-Billy's having trouble adjusting to his new body, and then...God: COEN!! WILLIAM LESTER COEN!! THAT IS QUITE ENOUGH!
God: YOU'VE TAKEN A PISS ON MY CREATIONS LONG ENOUGH!
Tyrant-Billy: But... Err... But... Have you taken a look at this thing? I... I don't think you made this one...*Shows the rocket launcher*
God: LET ME TAKE A CLOSER LOOK THERE! HMM! WOAH! WHAT IS THAT THING?! I'M NOT BITING THE BULLET ON THAT ONE!!
Tyrant-Billy: So... You're giving me a pass here, right?
God: YOU'RE AN ABOMINATION, WILLIAM! IT IS ONLY FITTING THAT THIS BE YOUR NEW CAGE OF FLESH! YOU WILL WALK THE ETHERAL LIMBO NO LONGER! YOU ARE BOUND HERE UNTIL YOUR UNDOING!
God: I'LL DO NO SUCH THING!
Chris: Hey! Fuck you... Billy... FUCKING... COEN!
- Then Chris gives the final shot to Billy with the perfect Bond One-Liner:
- His sudden comparison of the Nitro Express part in the laboratory to a similar part in Castlevania 64 which becomes a tale of a time paradox:Before I begin my description of the following events, are you all familiar with Castlevania 64? The black sheep first 3D installment of a rather mediocre line of 3D entries into the Castlevania series. This title had a laundry list of problems going for it, but I found it to be somewhat enjoyable. That is, except for one portion midway through. At the "Castle Center" area of the game, the player is tasked with recovering some "Magical Nitro" to blow up a wall or something of that nature. The catch? You have to transport it clear across the area. The bigger catch? If you jump, fall down anything larger than a step, or get hit by an enemy, the nitro would explode and you would die instantly. So, there was of course moving platforms, unguarded rails, turning gears, a load of enemies and other hazards designed to blow your character's ass to vampire slaying heaven. This section was so ill designed that not only was the entire development staffed [sic] shunned from society, but the effects of its shittiness traveled down the family line causing a mass of seppuku among developers' ancestors several generations back in time. Of course, with their ancestor's death, the development staff never existed to design the stage in the first place, thus ripping a hole in the space/time continuum. Though the universe has a way of sorting itself out and Castlevania: Legacy of Darkness sprung into existence. This would still give a valid excuse for the developer's ancestors to kill themselves, but still have the existence of a subpar Castlevania spin-off in the future. The Castlevania 64 we all know today was a product of time ninja meddling. Thus balance was restored.
- The near entirety of his Resident Evil 0 LP, which gives us gems as Billy "FUCKING" Coen being an incredible Jerkass (and Jewish), the T-001 Tyrant being a mad drunkard, the leeches as Gang Bangers and Rebecca paying back Billy's cruelty at the end by shooting him in the head. The crowning moment of hilarity comes when, while reading James Marcus' diary expressing his adoration for his prized leeches, Dark Id comes to a horrifying conclusion. Leeches!The Dark Id: ALERT: DR. MARCUS IS FUCKING LEECHES! I REPEAT: DR. JAMES MARCUS IS GOING DOWN ON LEECHES!
- Billy comes back in the REmake LP as a ghost merely antagonising Rebecca and Chris before moving on to full blown villainy when he gets Richard Aiken killed and possesses various creatures in an attempt to kill the heroes.
- Near the end of the REmake LP, Billy ends up possessing the Tyrant. Thrilled at having a body again, he immediately starts perving on Jill Valentine...only to have it pointed out to him that his new body doesn't have any genitalia. Hilarity Ensues.
- When Billy pegs it across the mansion in order to grab the grenade launcher that Rebecca mentioned, not allowing anything to get in his way.
- A combination of both a CMOF and CMOA came during the LP of Resident Evil 4 during Episode 32, especially when Leon stabbed Salazar in the hand. ICE BURN!
Narration: Leon does the usual in the farm (read: pillage and plunder.) There's not much talk around the water cooler these days.
- At one point, Id exposits that "ganado" (the villager mooks) means "cattle". Then, Leon comes across the decrepit farm about 20 minutes into the game:
Leon: (seeing a hay bale filled with corpses) I can't believe this. These are all dead bodies
Narration: After Googling what Ganado means, he decides to play it safe.
Leon: (blows up a cow with a hand grenade)
Narration: Just when Leon thinks it cant get any goofier
- When he sees the giant mechanical statue of Ramon Salazar...which later comes to life and chases him...
(Statue of Ramon Salazar starts charging down the pathway after Leon)
Narration: he is proven gravely wrong.
Leon: (fleeing for his life) Join the Secret Service, they said! See places, protect the leader of the free world, they said! They never tell you midgets with giant fucking walking clockwork statues would be chasing me around. Just had to drop out of college. Just had to have a job where you shoot things. Just like in the movies, right Leon? I could have been a doctor, a lawyer, a blogger. Stupid Leon Stupid!
(Leon finally escapes into the next area...only for it to keep chasing him)
Leon: WHERE DOES HE KEEP GETTING THESE THINGS?! (makes a flying leap just as it collapses, destroying the path and falling into the abyss) That did not just fucking happen to me
(Leon enters the next tower, only to be met by Salazar)
Salazar: So nice you could join us, Mr. Scott Kennedy
Leon: You again. What the fuck were you thinking with that just then? Serious, I fought a giant blob with a teethed vagina for a mouth on the back of a speeding train in an exploding secret underground laboratory during a zombie outbreak and it wasn't a tenth as out of line with what I just went through.
- Said statue also bellows out "REMEMBER ME" with flames shooting out of its eyes.
- Beeeeeeeeesss! They're in my shoes! They're in my shoes!
- In the Resident Evil 2 LP, the perfect response to the revelation of the G-virus's reproductive method:Alright, when you've created a monster who's [sic] base instinct is incest, it's time to go right the fuck back to the drawing board.
- One of the twin El Gigantes giving a thumbs up as it sinks into molten metal. The fact that they're both in what seems to be a gay BDSM relationship is icing on the cake.
- Imagining what will happen if, after going One-Winged Angel for the final boss battle, Saddler kills Leon and recaptures Ashley, but then can't change back:The President: What do you want?
Saddler: (appears on viewing screen) Just a simple donation to the tune of...
The President: WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT THING?! JESUS CHRIST! GET ME THE PENTAGON!!
* nuclear explosion*
- In-game during the REmake, Jill asks Wesker what he's planning. Id's response?The Dark Id: It's going to take a godawful amount of retcons to answer that question...
- Id's reaction to Tyrant Morpheus's first appearance in Resident Evil: Dead Aim.
- Id's reaction to an electricity based puzzle in an industrial section of Raccoon City in Resident Evil 3:
- The Dark Id: Right...so these are unlocked by fucking with the city's power grid.
Larry: Hey, Lou I forgot my keys in the back room.
Lou: Larry, this is the third time this week!
Larry: Look, just power down the south east grid so I can grab them and get home in time for That 70's Show.
Lou: But the hospital is on that grid.
Larry: Don't be a baby. I'll just be a second.
Lou: Tch... Fine.
- Resident Evil 2 has the first few instances of Señor X... wearing a sombrero and sporting a moustache. Leon takes him down and tries on his hat before discarding it and tossing it out the window because it doesn't suit him. What Señor X says as his first line sets the tone for what The Dark Id has in mind for him:
- Señor X: *Bursts through a wall*
Señor X: ?Donde esta mi sombrero?note
- His sudden appearance on a security monitor turns into this as he's still looking for his hat, and Leon was just looking for something to watch:Señor X: Oficial de policia, yo necesito mi sombrero.note
Leon: Yuck, subtitles.
- And their final battle with the now mutated Señor X having one last pop at Leon. Oh yeah, and he's wearing a sombrero again. MADE OF FIRE.Señor X: Sí, señor. It's a boss fight, ese.
Leon: Wait, you can speak American?
Señor X: It's called English, idiota.
- And the resulting exchange not a minute later with Señor X losing his patience and Leon finally admitting the truth:Señor X: Your discrimination over de country of my origin is most disrespectful, mah. At least I can hold a job. What are you doing, eh? Lost your job on your first day? Itz pathetic, ese. What kinda cop are you?
Leon: Shut up! Shut up! I hate essays! I cheated on my final exam at the academy! No... I never even went to an academy. I got my certification on some website I Googled. I put down I had 20 years of law enforcement experience I was on a Counter-Terrorist team on my application... That was a fucking Counter-Strike clan... How was I to know they'd actually hire me?!
Señor X: Man, too much information...
- Leon's final one liner...
- Code Veronica: Claire's "fight" with Nosferatu/Alexander Ashford. Said monster dons a top hat and a monocle and has swatted Steve aside. And then...Nosferatu/Alexander: Madam. I would like to have a brief moment of your time. For, I am Alexander Reginald Ashford. Master of the esteemed Ashford Family and descendent of the brilliant Veronica Ashford. After a long and most unfortunate slumber, I have returned to restore the Ashford Family name to its rightful place among the world's first and finest[...]Now, madam. If you will, allow me to give you a brief history on the lush history of my fine family line. The Ashfords were founded by the legendarily beautiful and intelligent Veronica Ashford. Truly, our family would have never reached the highs it has today, lacking the foundation she built upon it. Following her, came her son Stanley Ashford. A nobleman of true character he was-
Narration: Some time passes...
Nosferatu/Alexander: Following his death, his twin brother, Sir Arthur Ashford took the reins of the family seat. Under his leadership, the Ashford family reached new heights. At which point, there was-
Narration: Another span...
Claire: Ugh. I think this lecture is giving me a headache...
Nosferatu/Alexander: Under Sir Edward Ashford, my father, the Ashford Family oversaw the creation of Umbrella Incorporated alongside Lord Ozwald Spencer and Sir James Marcus. With their help the Ashfords-"
Narration: Nearly as long as a single average Fetch Quest...
Claire: *Snaps and draws Alfred's sniper rifle*
Nosferatu/Alexander: Ah, yes, madam. That rifle was handed down to my son, Sir Alfred Ashford, on his sixth birthday. Finely crafted by a master gunsmith in Switzerland, the rifle was fine tuned to a standard only fitting for the fine Ashford line. But why, dear lady, do you possess my successor kin's weapon?
Claire: I've got you now! *Fires and blows out his heart*
Nosferatu/Alexander: One moment, please, madam. *dons a monocle*
His monocle: *Classic monocle pop. Nosferatu falls down dead.*
Id: Oh Jesus H. Christ. Why would you inject, of all the creatures in the world, a frog?! What part of a fucking FROG would anyone consider useful as a fucking biological weapon? IT'S A FUCKING FROG!! IT'S CHIEF OFFENSIVE TECHNIQUE IS PISSING!! PISSING!! WHY?!?!?
- The Show Within a Show MST of Survivor courtesy of Claire, Steve, Alfred controlling their cargo plane via remote control, and said plane having cable TV installed.
- Resident Evil Zero has Rebecca accidentally stumble upon the underground Umbrella lab from RE2. Then she finds an elevator that...takes her back to the train wreck bit underneath the training facility despite how abso-fucking-lutely nonsensical it is.We are back at the train wreckage in the basement of the Training Facility... Which means the training facility is apparently built right on top of the warehouse to Birkin's lab and is, in turn, right on the outskirts of Raccoon City. Except, we rode a cable car, underground again, mind you, from this facility to the same point as the elevator we just got off of. *Psyduck emoticon*
- Also from Zero, Id finds a file detailing animals used for B.O.W. research. One of them? Frogs.
- Not a Let's Play, but it is Resident Evil-related, so... Id's thoughts on Claire's redesign for Resident Evil: Revelations 2, after someone else points out the angry look on her face in a concept CG◊ and notes "how done she is with all this shit":Id: Look, Claire made it through Raccoon City and made it through an Umbrella concentration camp and fucking Antarctica. That was enough shit for a lifetime. If her brother wants to go punch boulders in volcanoes and fight mutant supermen, good for him. Claire went "fuck that noise", went back to college, and got a real ass job. Of course she's pissed to be in BOW clusterfuck land again.
Especially if she got stuck with Barry Burton's fucking daughter and not the actual man. That's like getting stuck in a highrise full of terrorists and being paired up with John McClane's..... nephew. That's just some spiteful shit the universe is doing to her and she's not having any of it.
- The very first post of the Xenogears LP holds some great lines:We go straight from bible quotes to space: the final frontier. What does God need with a starship? Well, just because it is God doesnt mean He lacks the occasional lazy afternoon where He just feels like hitching a ride across town.
Anyhow, it is a very big starship. Or...well, maybe the cameraman is just massive and the spacecraft is really tiny due to a screwed up perspective...? Kinda makes you think, doesnt it? Very deep.
See...? Theres even cute little space cities inside the thing. It looks like a lil human ant farm. Wait... No! Dont tap on the glass! It specifically states you shouldnt tap on the glass!
Well, Goddammit... I hope youre happy now! Now nobody gets to look at the tiny space people anymore!
Anyhow, something seems to be going very wrong aboard the Galactica. Some jerk networked the mainframes to get more FPS in The Witcher 2 and now the Cylons are all up in everyones shit. Good job, Phil. I bet you couldnt even make it past the tutorial fight.
- His comment when seeing Weltall knocking down a Gear mook with kung-fuThe Dark Id: Hmm... I was unaware that mecha suit could be, as quoted by the lord, be "knockethed the fuck out"
- The first appearance of Dan prompts a "Sweet fancy Moses... that's a forehead and a half."Fei: Don't stare at his massive dome, Fei. Just stay locked on his eyes... Do not look at the forehead...
- The Tempting Fate sequence during the destruction of Lahan.(buildings blow up)
The Dark Id: So... theres a bit of collateral damage in the unleashing of power... But, hey. At least the townspeople will be able to persevere and rebuild thanks to Fe
(villagers are blasted to ash)
The Dark Id: Oh err... Whoops... Well... There were a lot of people in Lahan. At least the people left that we cared about probably all made it to saf
(Fei's friend Alice gets vaporized)
The Dark Id: Well... shit... Well... That could have gone better... At least the worst is ov
(giant explosion destroys the rest of Lahan)
The Dark Id: Welp!
- Fei's not impressed when he's held up by a stranger in the woods.Mysterious Woman: I said... turn around!
Fei: You... know we're in a RPG, right? That thing is going to do like 20 HP of damage, tops...
Mysterious Woman: We are in a cutscene! Now, turn around!
- "Really? Fei Fong Wong? That's what you're going with?"
- Elly quickly abandons her pistol, since "the RPG Love Interest Act of 1988 dictates all female leads in role-playing games must carry a rod, staff, or similar blunt object into all battles."
- "Anyhow, here's◊ a picture of a giant robot uppercutting a dinosaur in the jaw to save the girl. It's probably one of the more awesome things you'll see today. Amusingly, Rankar's death animation makes him topple straight on top of the unconscious Elly. Fortunately, it is just a silly design oversight. This sadly isn't going to be a plot about a bumbling yokel traveling the world meeting cute love interests and then accidentally murdering them due to robotic kung-fu shenanigans."
- As soon as Citan shoos out Elly, who had to be rescued from hostile wildlife twice in one day, our LPer assumes "A giant eagle immediately swoops down and scoops her up in its talons just feet outside the camp."
- When Fei and Citan leave the forest behind, on foot, they realize the good doctor forgot something.Fei: Alright. So, where did you park the Land Crab thingie of yours?
Citan: What now?
Fei: The flying thing you came here carrying that Gear with...?
Citan: Oh, that? I... parked it somewhere around you. I do not rightly recall after all that excitement with the Rankar. Hmm... I suppose I should have marked that a bit better. Oh well! The desert is not THAT hot this time of year.
- Fei is disappointed that the desert town of Dazil isn't a wretched hive of scum and villainy, but "a fairly prosperous economic center of the region with a rather low crime rate due to an active city watch." And when they visit the local tavern, he hints that Citan might use "an elegant weapon for a more civilized age" if anyone causes trouble.Citan: Fei, for the last time I am NOT a Jedi...
Fei: Yeah, I knew that... Just saying that would be... ya know... pretty neat.
- Fei gets in on the dickery and more or less makes a stranger crash so he can steal the guy's motorcycle.And with that, Fei jacks the guy's bike and speeds off. Meh. Fei already killed half a town full of innocent people. Grand Theft Auto is a drop in the bucket of his conscience at this point.
And hell, who cares about that stranded soldier thats probably going to die of exposure or thirst out in the middle of the desert? Soldiers are jerks.
Fei proceeds to take his newly acquired ride to go on a joyride doing wheelies and totally sweet jumps across sand dunes. This continues for several hours...
No, really... He tools around the desert doing sweet jumps, busting out power slides, and popping wheelies well into the night.
- During the first proper meeting with Grahf:Fei: You said you need my power? What were you intending to do with it!?
Grahf: You know very well... It is to destroy... mother god...
Fei: D, destroy god? I'm like Level 9. Youre jumping the gun a little bit here, guy...
- When the party meets "Ol' Man Bal" in some caves, The Dark Id sighs "I just can't get away from this old dickhead... I am convinced Balthazar is some manner of exposition-prone Time Lord."
- Bart's "special file."◊Bart: I said SPECIAL file! Not, "special everyone out of the room but me" file! Geez, what am I paying you for?!
- After Fei raids Bart's room to loot a whip superior to the one Bart was using in the field, the deposed prince unexpectedly returns.The Dark Id: Fei springs into action and... ducks next to a bed in plain sight... Solid Snake he ain't.
Bart: *glances toward the bed* <Okay... my new whip is missing and Fei is squatting in the corner of my room... I don't like where this one is going...>
- "I wonder how Gebler managed to find this hidden pirate base. Hmm... perhaps it had something to do with the giant visible hangar door on the side of the mountain entrance? Or the huge trail undoubtedly left across the desert by the Yggdrasil? Or bringing the experimental stolen Gear already acknowledged to be pursued by nearly all military forces back to said base? Truly a mystery."
- Fei explaining the name he used to enter into the Bledavik tournament.Fei: I'm the Dragon-slaying Slacker.
Bart: I get the second part... but isn't 'dragon-slaying' a bit much?
Fei: I beat a tyrannosaurus to death with Weltall a couple days before I met you.
Bart: Yeah right.
Citan: It is true. I delivered it to him with my Land Crab. He was attempting to fight it on foot prior to that.
Bart: ...Remind me not to piss you off.
- After all the bullshit that goes on in the fighting tournament - crowd interference, weapon use, healing potions - The Dark Id wonders whether Fei should have an RPG-7 to make things even, or just have Weltall step on his opponents. Also, Fei finishing the tournament in a dead woman's wedding dress.◊
- Everyone's favorite pink, furry critter is named "Chuthulhu" by the thread and treated appropriately - the soundtrack link in her introductory episode doesn't go to Xenogears' OST, but one of the nightmarish apocalyptic pieces from Drakengard. And after she declares her love for Fei...Bart: PFFT! Hahaha... This is just too rich. Now I see why you were into that redhead Gebler chick with the mountain of hair.
Fei: I hate you so much...
Chuthulhu: Don't worry, Fei!! I love chu!
Bart: So how was Furcon?
Fei: Go fuck yourself.
Bart: Hehe. I'd rather do that before getting into bed with a Furby. Bwahaha!
Bart: Funny how those kinda things work out. I mean like Fei here. Just a couple weeks ago he was an artist in some peasant village in the middle of nowhere. Now he's engaged to a talking pink mutant chipmunk and on his way to being a happy family man.
Fei: Seriously, Bart. I'm gonna rip out that other eye of yours.
- Also, Margie reveals more of Bart's backstory by making some assumptions.Margie: Fei, have you seen Bart's back?
Fei: N-no...? Why would I have seen his back...? Why would you even ASK me that?!?!
Margie: Hey, I do not judge. Nisan is a very liberal religion.
Fei: <Great... one thinks I'm a furry and the other thinks I'm gay. I hate this family...>
- Foreshadology, abridged.Sigurd: Mysterious phrasing!
Citan: Vague response and namedrop without context.
Sigurd: Continued shit-talking about old co-workers.
Citan: But only vaguely.
- "I wonder of Marguerite has a Popemobile...? I bet that would have been her Gear when she was still a playable character. That would have been great..."
- When Margie points out that the two angel statues in the cathedral have one wing each, Bart and Fei react appropriately.
- After sharing some official Bart and Margie marriage artwork, The Dark Id wonders "how do I keep ending up LPing these games full of incest...?!" (Psyduck emote)
- The reveal of Vierge has The Dark Id complaining that Elly's mech looks like "the Gear equivalent of a Barbie doll."Well at least they didn't stick robo-breasts on it. I think that's the only way it could have been made girlier looking... Though, announcing that Elly is a virgin in the title isn't helping her win any tough military chick awards.
- Our LPer freaks out during Elly's flashback to her first bad combat drug trip.The Dark Id: WAH! Disc 2 Spotlight! Get the fuck out of here! It's too soon! Too soon!
- Fei and Elly's post-battle heart-to-heart kind of goes in a weird place.Fei: I'm here for you. It may not be much, but at least I can relate to how you feel, Elly.
Elly: What? Are you saying we lick each other's wounds?
Fei: No, that's not... <Wait, the hell am I talking about? That sounds totally hot, idiot.> Well, I guess I am... Sorry... So uhh... you wanna go first? Or should I?
Elly: ...I was not talking in a literal sense, Fei. Get your mind out of the gutter.
Fei: Of course! I was just joking. Ahahaha! *cough*
- After Grahf's speech to Vanderkaum, "Power doesn't even sound like a real word anymore..."
- The Escalating Punchline at the end of Act One.Oh hey. It's a nice memory of a young Fei playing ball with his mom.
(old-timey movie effects appear on it)
Or... it's a recording of a memory?
(pull back to reveal Fei watching the movie)
Oh, it's Fei watching a recording of a memory of him playing ball with his mom. Wait... no...
(pull back to reveal a young Fei)
It's Fei watching his younger self watching a recording of a memory of him playing ball with his mom.
(pull back to reveal a guy on a couch watching the above on TV)
But wait... WE are watching Fei watching his younger self watching a recording of a memory of him playing ball with his mom.
(pull back to a surveillance center watching the above on a monitor)
...But given the government's constant monitoring of its populace, that means the government is watching us watching Fei watching his younger self watching a recording of a memory of him playing ball with his mom.
(pull back to The Greys watching the above on a viewscreen)
But then you factor in the extraterrestrial observation scouting unit planning its invasion of Earth and that would make it aliens are watching the government watching us watching Fei watching his younger self watching a recording of a memory of him playing ball with his mom.
(pull back to an eye-shaped nebula with the above in its center)
But then THE LORD sees all. So it's really God watching the aliens watching the government watching us watching Fei watching his younger self watching a recording of a memory of him playing ball with his mom.
(pull back to a child looking at the above in a snowglobe)
B-but then you factor in that God is just a figment of Tommy Westphall's imagination and... where... where does that leave us?! WHERE?!
- Rico Banderas is summarized as "Seriously, they just shaved off Blanka's chest hair, pasted it to where his eyebrows should be, threw on some war paint, slapped him in a vest, and called it a day."
- After beating another fighting tournament to earn his freedom, Fei's willing to ditch Weltall in his haste to get out of Nortune, but Citan railroads him into infiltrating a Gear hangar by hitching a ride on a train, hunting down keycards, and cutting through numerous guards. Three updates later, Rico suddenly shows up in his own Gear, despite being a wanted criminal.Fei: Though... where the hell did you get your Gear from?
Rico: The C Block Arena is left nearly unguarded at night. Battlers are free to come and go as they please in order to perform maintenance on their Gears. They hadn't revoked my access yet. Why? Did you go in a different route...?
Fei: ...I hate you so much, doc.
- After defeating the Gebler Goobers yet again, Fei makes another enemy.
- Fei isn't amused when his teammates get all giggly about him having to hit the can before a mission.Fei: You know what? Forget it. I'll just use the toilet in Weltall.
Citan: ...What are you talking about, Fei?
Fei: The built-in crapper in Gears beneath the pilot seat.
Citan: I have... never heard of such a function in a Gear.
Fei: What are you talking about? The seat lifts up and there's a toilet hole underneath. Like for during long range flights and junk. Right...?
Elly: I have never heard of that either, Fei.
Fei: Note to self... never flip Weltall upside-down in battle...
- During an interlude, the Gazel Ministry manage to make even playing Deus Ex: Human Revolution utterly obtuse:Gazel Minister #1: Purchase the cloaking upgrade.
Gazel Minister #2: We do not have enough points to purchase the upgrade.
Gazel Minister #3: -He- would have had enough points to activate cloaking.
Gazel Minister #4: I didn't ask for this.
Gazel Minister #5: It is just as it was 6 years ago.
Gazel Minister #6: Nay. The unclean -Lambs- Invisible War heresy is buried and forgotten.
Gazel Minister #7: That does not rule out the possibility he planned it this way intentionally.
Gazel Minister #8: Ohmigod. JC. A bomb.
- Fei indulges in a pity party while he and Elly are adrift at sea.Fei: I've just been drifting around... being led by circumstances.
Elly: No... that's not right. In Aveh, you helped Bart when he needed it. And in Kislev, you gave your all to defend, to save everyone. You've even shown concern for me many times.
Fei: No... I'm just no good. I mean I'm like six or seven levels ahead of doc and he's still got way better stats than me.
- Purchasing the Penguin Coat armor for Fei prompts more◊ fanart.◊
- "Strangely, it looks an awful lot like Yggdrasil is flying through the air when dropping its 'depth charges' instead of floating on the sea. That is totally not because our sand cruiser-come-submarine flagship will inevitably become an airship later on and they lazily recycled the animation from a regular attack later in the game. That would be silly!"
- After Bart starts dissing Elly after she gets captured, Fei hits back about Bart's girlfriend being his cousin.Bart: Margie is NOT my girlfriend!
Fei: Dude... we all saw that artwork of you marrying Margie. That's messed-up, bro.
Bart: ...That was just some stupid joke illustration. It's not canon!
Fei: Yeah, I'm sure.
- Speaking of Breaking the Fourth Wall, Fei is sure Bart will survive until at least the second disc since he has a character portrait for facing both directions, while Bart outright admits that Yggdrasil I sinking into a sand cave containing Yggdrasil II is "lazy-ass writing."
- When Elly is captured by the enemy, Fei just sighs and asks where's the nearest fighting tournament.Bart: ...Why would you want to enter another fighting tournament?
Fei: Trust me, Bart. EVERY problem in history can be solved by winning a fighting tournament.
- After Rico declares that he'll tag along on a sidetrip just to kill some time.
- Our LPer assumes that if this was a Cavia game, Fei would have "another little Lahan episode" within a day of visiting Billy's orphanage.
- When Elly, Bart and Rico bump into Billy's mute sister at the orphanage:The Dark Id: Nobody is around to interpret her vacant expression this time around. But I imagine she's saying something along the lines of "WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT GREEN GUY! DEAR GOD!"
- We see just how jaded the party has become when they find that Billy's church has been wiped out.Ellie: *sigh* Again...?
Bart: *yawn* Looks that way...
Billy: What are you two talking about?! This is... this is a massacre.
Bart: Yeah... probably should have mentioned we kinda run into a lot of massacres, disasters, and otherwise bad news... At first I thought it was just because of Fei being some sort of jinx. But... well... here we are...
Billy: What...? You two make this sound routine.
Bart: Look kid, in the last month I nearly drowned in quicksand. Twice. Was involved in a botched coup where I almost got shot up by like 50 dudes. Had my base invaded by a Gebler hit squad. And had that ship we were just riding dropped on me. On land.
Ellie: I had a botched mission result in contributing to the destruction of a rural village. I was nearly eaten by a dinosaur. Committed several acts of treason before deserting the military. I nearly had a giant bomber ship fall on me. And I had the airship I was riding blown up by a SAM.
Bart: Sorry about that. But, don't forget when you got mind-controlled and nearly blew up my ship's engine.
Ellie: Oh yes. That too...
Bart: And that Rico guy. Dont even get me STARTED on what happened to him...
Billy: I am afraid to ask...
Bart: You know how he's a giant green-skinned eyesore? Let's just say he wasn't green when he started rolling with us.
Bart: Heh. Nah, I'm just bullshitting you with that last one. I've only talked to that guy like once ever. But I wouldnt be surprised if that were the cases.
- Elly tries to buck up the newest party member, though.Elly: Come on, Billy. There have to be survivors. Let's help them.
Bart: You did know a few people here with character portraits, correct?
Billy: Well... myself. Bishop Stone, of course. And... Umm...
Bart: Ouch... this is going to be a bloodbath...
Elly: Poor guy.
- Bishop Stone's Motive Rant is so long that Bart and Elly run out of sandwiches.Bart: Oh my GAWD! Can you just go inevitably hop in a giant robot so we can kill you already?
- The villain makes a terrible mistake by threatening the setting's seaborne city.The Dark Id: Look, the massacre I can look past. Using religion as a front for slave gathering is pretty shady, but meh. Mass child molesting by men of the cloth is pushing it. But now theyre going after the Captain of the Thames? This fucker is dead!
- An automated message plays during the elevator ride down to the next dungeon.I am Dr. Kim, and I am here to ask you a question. Is a man not entitled to a clearly-explained backstory?
"No," says the man in Bledavik, "it should be needlessly convoluted."
"No," says the man in Nisan, "just have faith in the world of God."
"No," says the man in Nortune, "just rot in the same location for 5 hours and follow the bread crumbs."
I rejected those answers. Instead, I chose something different. I chose the impossible. I chose... Zeboim.
- Our LPer, along with the party, finds the great treasure of the ancients to be underwhelming.The Dark Id: ...a Troll Doll. A Troll Doll? That boring-ass dungeon was all to stop Solaris from getting a friggin' life-sized TROLL DOLL?!?! ARGH!!!
Billy: Is it okay if I just head back to the Yggdrasil?
- Billy◊ meets Tolone.◊
- "Alright, time for our first on-foot battle against the Elements. Or at least the bunny girl and robot-gal half of 'em. A cyborg, a bunny, an elf, and a blind girl... Did Ramsus go to an anime trope outlet to pick up this team?"
- Taking a closer look at Seraphita the bunny-girl's official art, The Dark Id declares that we've reached "peak anime" with her character design.
- When a Freudian kung-fu menace shows up for a boss fight and introduces himself:???: Names do not matter... However, if you insist... Id...
The Dark Id: That sounds familiar... Hey! HEY! HEY!
- Fei comes out of his coma and gets to meet newest party member Billy Lee Black.Fei: ...Yeah, okay. Seeing someone else with a rhyming game now... it does sound pretty silly.
Billy: Right... Anyway, we should probably go deal with Bishop Stone.
Billy: My former mentor and Bishop of the Ethos before being revealed to be an inquisitor from Solaris who murdered most of my co-workers for secretly uncovering technology from a buried 4000-year-old civilization in a bid at world domination.
Fei: ...HOW LONG WAS I ASLEEP?!?!
- The summary of all the crap that's happened to Billy in about 24 hours.I'd just like to remind everyone that in-game we met Billy yesterday... And everything from the Reaper Ship all the way up to now has been in the span of a few hours. To recap:
— Everyone Billy has worked with for the last four years is dead.
— Billy's faith has been discovered by be just a load of shit and his church is just a front for Sky Nazi slavery.
— Also all his superiors were child molesters.
— Subsequently he's now unemployed while having an Orphanage and little sister to support.
— Billy's mentor has turned out to also be a Sky Nazi. And had his mom killed by zombies because she wouldn't bone him.
— He's been attacked by an anime bunny girl, a female robotic version of himself, and probably gotten a concussion from Id. And now said mentor peeled off all the skin on his face and is trying to kill him too.
— He accidentally just shot his dad out of a cannon.
It's been a rough one for poor Billy Lee Black.
- When it's revealed that the Gazel Ministry are all AI revived by Krelian and put in something called the "SOL-9000," The Dark Id decides it's the Satellite of Love-9000.The Dark Id: If they get uppity then he'll send them cheesy movies. The worst he can find. La-la-la.
- After taking their Gears through the Platform Hell that is the Tower of Babel, the party earns the right to enter the floating city of Shevat.Mystery Girl: The queen is awaiting for your arrival above.
Fei: Yeah, well how do we make it up there. Is there an elevator or something?
Mystery Girl: ...? Just fly up with your booster.
Fei: Ah! Riwait... Our boosters...? I forgot about those... Then why didn't we just f...
- Bart belatedly fills Fei in on Billy's backstory, including the part about him nearly turning tricks to support his sister (right in front of young Maria).Fei: Okay, new rule: No more recruiting party members when I'm not around. Clearly the screening process is highly lax when I'm not heading it.
Bart: Aren't you the one that picked up that Rico guy?
Bart: Blanka-looking mofo.
Fei: ...That guy is STILL around?! The hell?
- Everyone's reaction to finding the Chu-Chu nest in Shevat.The Dark Id: Further down the road from the bar we find... That there is no God. Holy fucking SHIT! Chu-Chus... dozens of Chu-Chus... they've been breeding! In the sky! UGHHH!
Bart: Ha, ha! Who would've figured! Man, oh man, Fei...
Fei: Bart... not a word!
Bart: Oh? Speechless, huh? Who'd have thought Furrycon was being held in Shevat this year...
Elly: What is he talking about?
Bart: Oh, you didn't know?
Fei: Bart. Shut. Up!
Bart: Fine, fine... Let's just say Fei is an erm... animal lover.
Elly: Oh, well there is nothing wrong with that...
Bart: *grins* Nope. He just has a big place in his heart for furrydom.
Fei: I hate you so much...
- When collecting three obscure minigame badges over 35 hours of gameplay nets a lackluster reward, the response can only be "Trolled by Square."
- The Dark Id points out that none of the other Chu-Chus share Cthulhu's Verbal Tic, making him wonder whether the abomination is suffering from "Churette's Syndrome."
- Update 83 is titled "Yes. This Is Really Happening!" because... well...The Dark Id: Uhh...?
(Chuthulhu begins glowing)
The Dark Id: Alright. Maybe its going to randomly explode in a heroic sacrifice. I'm okay with a Chuicide Bomber end to this thing.
(Chuthulhu begins growing)
The Dark Id: Uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuhhh... And so Chuthulhu grew five stories tall. Hello. WHAT?!?!
Chuthulhu: Kyow! I did it! I did the big big churansformation!
Nikolai: ...You've got to be shitting me.
Fei: Hey, Bart.
Fei: Am I high as shit or did the pink furry thing just grow like 20 times bigger...?
Bart: Man, I don't even care anymore.
Billy: Welp. I am officially an atheist.
Elly: *sighs and grumbles something in Solarian*
- "Well... that was a pretty damn ridiculous series of events. And this is coming from a game where the last major story event had us battling Not-Catholic Priest the Red Skull which was defeated partially by a character shooting their father out of a cannon. Good old Xenogears..."
- The first order of business after the Yggdrasil is upgraded to a true Global Airship is to dump out the ship's garbage (and Chu-Chu's litter box) in the most appropriate location: Nortune.
- There's an adjustment period as Billy gets used to Bart and Fei's idea of a stealthy attack.Fei: Alright. Here's the deal, Willy.
Fei: Whatever. BILLY, you see those two guys over by the art studio across the plaza?
Fei: I want you to creep up to them.
Fei: And shoot them both in the face. In rapid succession, if you're up for that.
Billy: ...That's your plan?
Fei: Shh! Keep it down! Yeah. You go shoot those guys and then blast anyone else that comes down those steps. I'm gonna go headbutt that dude over there unconscious and then spin-kick his friend. Bart is just gonna start whipping everyone he sees.
Bart: In the eyes.
Fei: Yup. Critical hit, yo.
Billy: ...Shouldn't we be a bit more stea-
Fei: Let's rock! Hiiiiyyyyyyyaaaaaahhhhh!!!
Aveh Soldier: Balls!
The Dark Id: And so Fei and the guys take a page from the Caim handbook of hostile territory recon and proceed to murder everyone in a three mile radius. Several dozen dead Aveh troops later...
Fei: Good! Looks like we cleaned up all the soldiers who were in town. Man, I'm hungry. Let's see if the villagers left anything to eat...
Bart: I call dibs on any pies left behind!
Billy: (Psyduck emote)
- The former Bledavik fighting tournament champion offers life advice to a bunch of playing kids.Fei: Now you kids remember to practice your kung fu and fight any giant thunder lizards you come across or else you'll never grow up to be as big and awesome as the Dragon Slaying Slacker!
Elly: Did you just tell small children to go pick fights with dinosaurs?
Fei: ...Should I have not told them that? Where would you be if I didn't pick fights with dinosaurs?
Elly: I am never going to live that one down...
- Even before the start of the infamous Disc Two, the cast starts to notice the shortcuts the developers used, like when the next plot point turns out to be conveniently close.Bart: One of those Gate thin—
Sigurd: You mean -Gate-.
Bart: I'm not saying it with the stupid hyphens! Anyway, one of those was in the gigantic cave just west of here? That seems... like a really lazy place to hide it...
Sigurd: Look, the guys from Final Fantasy VIII keep coming over and stealing money out of our desk drawers when nobody is looking. It will have to do.
- Fei is understandably bothered by Doc Citan only warning Fei and Elly about what's in Solaris' "Soylent System" food supply after they had a snack.Fei: You. Made me eat. PEOPLE FOOD!
Bart: People food...? As opposed to what? Dog food?
Fei: No. I mean food. Made out of people! Apparently Solaris meat is people meat.
Bart: Solaris meat is...
Billy: ...People meat?
Bart: OH GOD ELLY'S SANDWICHES!
Billy: *politely excuses self to go puke in the corner*
- When the escape from Solaris goes poorly, The Dark Id notes that "Elly has gone from having a loving family to being an orphan in the span of about six minutes. Between this, her creepy time with Krelian, and becoming a surprise cannibal she might beat out Billy for having had the worst day ever at the rate she's going."
- A moment of pity for Ramsus after his winning streak proves short-lived.Poor Ramsus. You just know he's been in the best mood for the last three weeks. He gave all his Gebler lackeys raises and took them out for drinks on him. He and Miang have been banging without him waking up later that night having PTSD flashbacks. The Gazel Ministry had even told him that he did a half-way decent job for the first time in ages.
And now it's back to him popping anti-depressants and muttering about Fei all day long while everyone around him feels very uncomfortable and the SOL-9000 guys working "trash" as many times into conversations about him as they can muster.
- One of the peasants in an Exposition Zone recap cheers about "Lady Manar."
- Any time the "tldr recaps" make fun of the use of proper nouns without context, but especially:Gazel Minister 1: Proper Noun.
Gazel Minister 2: Proper Noun?
Gazel Minister 3: Use the Proper Noun...
Cain: Goddammit! I told you kids not to use the Proper Noun! Now go back to bed!
Gazel Minister 1: No, fuck YOU dad! We're using the Proper Noun!
Cain: Me and my flatscreen TV laser says otherwise!
Gazel Minister 2: RAAAAAHHH!!!
Cain: I'm taking off the belt next time I have to come back here.
- An Aesop during the first boss fight against all four Elements.Billy: People are people. Nothing more or less. I admit that there are the weak and powerless. But that's no reason for us to forsake them. We are all the same human beings!
Tolone: I'm 90% machine.
Dominia: I'm an elf.
Seraphita: I'm a bunny!
Kelvena: I keep bumping into things.
Emeralda: I'm made out of nanomachines.
Fei: Yeah... whatever... Elly is a reincarnated saint and I am like two or three different people from the past or some crap. It still doesn't mean we need to be dicks to one another.
Fei: ...Unless you're doc.
Citan: I prefer to call it "tactically compassionate" myself.
- And after Dominia and Elly have another post-confrontation squabble:Tolone: Why dont you and Elhaym just fuck and get it over with?
Tolone: Just sayin'...
- Update 121 crashes to an abrupt halt at the infamous scene of a giant Chu-Chu crucified next to the cast's Gears.
- Before the final battle with "the eternal midboss," it turns out the cast is bad at sharing plot developments that take place in the Narration Zone.Fei: Who are you fighting for!? Why do you always have a bone to pick with me!? Tell me why!
Ramsus: I already told Lieutenant Van Houten my reason for hating you, Fei Fong Wong!
Fei: You... did...? When did that happen...?
Ramsus: ...Nearly three weeks ago, when I assaulted Nisan.
Fei: Wha? She never mentioned any of that...
Ramsus: She... She didn't...?
Fei: Think I woulda remembered her mentioning you attacking Nisan and spilling backstory...
Ramsus: ...Then let me elaborate! (Angry Fist-Shake)
Bart: Goddammit, Fei!
Fei: Ugh... Sorry, guys. Hop over here. I packed some subs. NO Solarian meat...
- Fei notices that some of the ships taking part in the supposed final battle look kind of familiar.Fei: ...Hey. Isn't that the Solaris ship Sophia rammed into 500 years ago...?
Queen Zephyr: It... Err... I guess Krelian re-built it as a central core for Merkava.
Fei: *looks around room* ...Is this the same ship she used to ram into that thing?!
Queen Zephyr: It got better, alright?! Quiet! We're way over budget with the last of our funds and we're re-using props and sets! Just go along with it without making a fuss!
- Despite Ramsus' many failings, The Dark Id does point out that he ends the game with "an elf, psychic, robot girl, and bunny girl harem to bang," so maybe things didn't turn out too bad for the guy.
- What finally pushes Fei over the edge during a chat with the Queen of Shevat near the end of Disc Two.Queen Zephyr: I understand. So let's keep believing... And hope for a miracle...
Fei: ......Good lord, lady! Howabout an 'I believe in you' or 'I know you can do it' or something? It's gonna take a *miracle* to succeed?! Tch. You know what? Im friggin GLAD your stupid hippie Cloud City UFO got shot down! You Shevat people are just...just the WORST everything ever! You never help when you ought to. You make everyone else do your fighting for you while you sit around getting baked. And even then there's a chance you backstab everyone when you succeed. And even when you're not actively screwing over nations, you're still fucking up. Hey, remember your adviser, Wiseman? Yeah. That guy was my dad, Kahn, wearing a funny mask. And it was also GRAHF! Your top adviser was goddamn GRAHF! 'I used my POWER to kill everyone on the planet' Grahf. That is how goddamn awful a ruler you are Zephyr. So Im now to go kick Deus ass. Why don't you go trip into a carbonite freezing cage or something so after this ends I can stick you in some courtyard somewhere as a monument to the biggest fuck up ruler the planet has every seen! Thanks for fucking NOTHING, Queen of Shevat.
Bart: Holy crap, dude.
Fei: *grumble* I've been holding that one in for like a month... C'mon. Let's go do some sidequests or something...
- Our LPer is actually happy that Chuthulhu returns to the party after a brief absence. "Sure, we didn't need to do that. But I personally prefer having Chuthulhu in the party and CHOOSING never to use her, rather than her being straight inaccessible."
- When the party gets to finally explore the ruins of Zeboim near the very end of the game:At the end of the elevator ride we arrive in... modern-day Japan...?!
...Oh my GOD it's Drakengard all over again! I can't do another rhythm game like that. I had to tear out a part of my soul and sacrifice it to the gods of reflexes and patience to do it last time. I've only got so much soul to give up to things like that!
- "Alright. Time for the final-final battle of Xenogears, an angel-winged snakewoman with long purple hair named Urobolus. If you cannot guess: it's Miang. I bet when Mr. Godcollar was introduced, you didn't think we would end up fighting a final battle against his secretary in the waiting room between dimensions in a giant robot powered by God while the spectral form of our buddy from a past life, Bishonen Albert Wesker, and our nude girlfriend did a Shinespark on the sidelines."
- When a victorious Fei and Elly return from wherever the hell they were to find their friends waiting for them, the latter is confused why Emeralda is suddenly an adult.Fei: It is uhh... It's a Long Story. Wanna hear about it...?
Elly: No, that's okay. Perhaps some other time. I think I've had enough narration for one lifetime... Or twenty...
Fei: Heh... Me too... Me too.
- The final update is "Dr. Citan Uzuki - Xenogears' Greatest ASSHOLE'', a comprehensive compilation of all the dickery and douchebaggery committed by the good doctor.
The 3rd Birthday
- Id's continuous amusement at some of the names generated for citizens that Aya Overdives into, starting with Bernfried Rockel.
- Id gives Hunter "Boss" Owen a right riot act-reading for his bone-headed betrayal of Aya (by leading her into a death trap) and the CTI (gassing them), his really pathetic motivation and the fact that he'd only thought that far:Id: Welp. That happened. Lets just stop and think about this for a moment. So, The Boss hates overseeing CTI because...he just wants an easy desk job in Washington and having to stay in Manhattan with a bunch of nerds doing science bullshit sucks. So, to get out of his position, he has gassed his own subordinates and directed the resident time traveler into presumably a death trap. What is the end goal here, Boss?In the best case scenario for Owen, Aya Brea dies in the past, which kills her in the present. Everyone wakes up and goes what the actual fuck. There is video evidence of Hunter Owen directing Aya to her death because theyve established they record all of these Overdive sessions...somehow. Forgetting that he helped murder a subordinate, hes committed an attack on a federal building against several active agents and last I checked that was treason. Hunter Owen goes to prison.Ill go ahead and say that Boss does not have some ulterior motive nor is he somehow secretly working with The Twisted. There's also no tragic backstory where it turns out his wife was killed by Twisted or an irresponsible time traveler. He is just an asshole that hates his job at CTI and wants to go back to being a lazy desk jockey in Washington, while an apocalyptic event is occurring outside and doomsday super computers have determined the entire country will be wiped out within four years.Hunter Boss Owen is the biggest fucking idiot in this game. Full stop. And it actually gets a bit stupider.
Hunter "Boss" Owen? Congratulations, you played yourself.
- And to compound this, Hunter rubbishes the Overdive system, only to then gleefully watch as Gabrielle is paradoxed out of existence as if Hunter knew all about how it worked and planned the whole thing, twirling his proverbial moustache all the while...and all this, either coupled with or in spite of Aya's efforts would lead to the timeline where Hunter and the FBI get wiped out by the Twisted anyway. Meaning, as both id and DJ Khaled put it:
- The "refreshing vulnerability" bit from the description of one of Aya's alternative costumes, which Id turns into a Running Gag, mocking the perversity of the designers:Seeing that refreshing vulnerability is the only way I can get it har—I MEAN!
- There are four things Id likes about this game: the randomly generated names (because they're ridiculous), the soundtrack (because it's genuinely excellent), the final boss being exactly the same model as his human shape but with really stretchy limbs like an inflatable tube man (because it's amazing) and Kyle, upon learning that Aya is now bodyswapped with the rather underage Eve and he very nearly MARRIED said underage bodyswapped Eve, "nope"-ing right the fuck out of the wedding.
- Onimusha Warlords:Kaede: Samanosuke! I ignited the gunpowder!
Dr. Historiman: "Bzzt... Dr. THOmazzzss LiTE was q-q-quoted in 1562 to hAAAAAAAAAve had Seeeehxual r-relation-nSHs with an otter!"
- From the same LP, Dr. Cyrus Norman's increasing incredulity at the historical inaccuracy of the game, which results in him having a seizure halfway through the LP. His co-host, Dr. Albert Wily, has him temporarily replaced with Dr. Historiman, whose slanderous non-sequiturs tap-dance on the line of good taste.
- Humorously in one segment, Dr. Norman is instead joined by Dr. Albert Wesker. Naturally, Cyrus finds this odd...til he realizes his contract slated him to work with a "Dr. Albert W." Wesker's segments usually appear after a boss fight, since Onimusha's bosses have names from William Shakespeare for no reason, and Wesker's quite learned in the Bard's works... but the boss names mean nothing, as Wesker emphatically puts it.
- Despite his PS2 dying on him and forcing him to retire, he can still give gems such as this.Nohman: Odd thing to ask about but does anyone know whatever happened to The Dark Id? That guy went from consistently banging out great LPs with updates near daily to off the map in short order. Did he die or something?
Id: Yes I died. TV in hell is all PewDiePie LPs, the latter seasons of 24 and Prison Break, alongside DOTA2 matches. It really isn't that much worse than modern programming back in the living world to be honest.
Lazyfire: Crap, now we either have to make a new Sandcastle or someone needs to test post the GhostBusters game because this thread is haunted.
- Now adding the Fallout section.
- Id shows what happens when you give your character 1 INT. His character for this? Nowe!
- Id starts off with one of the pre-made characters, Albert note , and takes his first few steps into the Wasteland, rationalizing that although he's not the best fighter, he can surely survive. Cue Gilligan Cut of him being shot to death by bandits.Id: Welp.
Id: Maybe... Maybe... we ought to go check out that character creator properly, huh...?
- In his livestream for Street Fighter, when Guile comes out of Bison's temple after it's destroyed in the end, he plays Guile's theme to his friends and the stream's delight.
- How does Id finish off streaming Pixels? Tweet out AMs hate speech from I Have No Mouth and I Must Scream.
- Id has a rather incredulous reaction to the plot of Ni no Kuni II: Revenant Kingdom.Id: "...Ni No Kuni 2 begins with the President of the United States seeing a city getting nuked by an ICBM? E-Excuse me...?"apehawk: "he then proceeds to tutor a young king, proclaiming that being a king is the same as being a president, and helps him take over all the other nations while creating his own kingdom. He also has a gun."Id: "...What?!"
- With the release of Detroit: Become Human and many of the critcisms and controversies involving Quantic Dreams David Cage, someone had drawn a much more detailed description of one of Ids Tweets about him.