Funny / The Brak Show

• Anytime Dad opens his mouth, expect to hear the funniest thing you'll ever hear in your life.
  • "I am sick of being pushed around like a stolen shopping cart full of rotten pumpkin meat!"
  • "You found your real parents?"
  • "Mother, people only invite you to dinner for three reasons: to sell you vitamins, to drug you and take unpleasant snapshots, or to convert you to their hideous farming religion!"
  • "You say sewers, I say waterslide."
  • "Brak! Stop driving your little baby car around Saint Babiesburg and take your asteroid smashing like a man!"
  • "Moustache. No moustache."
  • "You drive around, you run a light...maybe you honk at the ladies and they say (high girly voice) 'Hey, chief! Where'd you get the new ride, ah?' And you say: (ridiculous Cheech & Chong voice) 'It's Paco's, maahn. I'm just keepin' it for him while he's in the joint. See ya later, maahn.' Then you drive away, so proud to be a nose-possessing man."
  • (upon seeing giant killer ants) "Holy crap, they DO wear hats!"
  • (comparing himself to a robot) "I may not have seventeen-inch claws, but when I grip you, you know that you've been gripped!"
  • "Son, I just learned a valuable lesson: Never cross your sweet loving mother unless—and this is a key point—unless you want your arm ripped off, and shoved up your ass."
• This bit from "Hippo": "Then when I was doing my book report, Zorak pulled my pants down and everybody laughed, even me! 'Cause it was funny, but not to me!"
• The "Time Machine" episode features Zorak & Brak traveling back in time to force their past selves to do their homework. As Zorak formulates their plan, Brak's thoughts go to...interesting places.
  Zorak: Okay, so here's what we do: We'll go back to Friday-
  Brak: And we make a kite out of squirrels, to fly to the moon!
  Zorak: ...nooooo...we track ourselves down.
  Brak: Then what?
  Zorak: We make our other selves do the homework.
  Brak: Hey, Zorak? Can I ask you a question?
  Zorak: Yeah, what?
  Brak: Where are we gonna find enough squirrels to make a kite?
  Zorak: Are you really that stupid?
  Brak: Ooh! I dare you to say that again! Only this time say: "Brak, I love you!"
  • Later, upon coming face to face with their past selves, this exchange occurs:
  Brak: Hello, my name is Brak!
  Past Brak: Hello, my name is Brak!
  Brak: I live in a house down the street!
  Past Brak: I live in a house down the street!
  Brak: I'm wearin' clean underwear.
  Past Brak: You are not!
  Brak: Whelp! Got me there!
  Both Braks break out into peals of laughter.
• This dialogue in "Sexy New Brak Show Go"
  Brak: 'Dad can I open the box even though it's not a recognized mealtime? Can I? Can I? Huh? Can I?
  Dad: Ask your mother.
  Brak: Mom, can I open the box?
  Mom: Ask your father.
  Brak: Dad can I open the box?
  Dad: Ask your father.
  Brak: Dad, how about that box?
  Dad: Say it like a princess.
  Brak: (girly voice) Father, may I open the box?
  Dad: No no no, Princess the Cat
  Brak: I don't do her.
  Dad: Then you don't open the box! ... but I love you very much!
• Brak's little bit in "War Next Door" while dressed in a beet costume
  I'm hot for ya, baby,
  I'm a big old beat!
  I'm red but not embarrassed,
  And I am good with meat.
  Of course I make an excellent borscht!
  And I'm hot for ya, babaaaaaaaaaaaah!
• Brak spends an episode competing in staring contests. His dad tricks him into blinking several times throughout their match.

  "Before a contest, it is customary to blink at each other. You go first."

  "It looks like she wrote her phone number on the back of your eyelids!"

• Zorak takes Dad on, and immediately gets attacked by a wasps, which Dad claims love to feed on mantis eye-juice.
  • Despite being repeatedly stung in the eyes by wasps, with both eyes swelling grotesquely, Zorak manages to never blink.
• At the end of the episode, a gigantic floating eyeball appears with a voice like Fat Albert, only known as "The Eye." He challenges Dad to a staring contest right before the credits.

  "Float like a floating eye, sting like a floating eye! Oh yea!"

• The episode "Goldfish" during Brak's mini freakout when he finds out he can't go to the Carnival of Feet right away, complete with loud yelling and exorcist head twisting.

  "Today is the day of the Carnival of Feet!

  There'll be feet there and feet, and don't forget the feet.

  I'll be there if I'm not somewhere else!

  At the one and only Carnival of Feeeeet!"

  • Same episode, Don Tickles, Notary Public.
  • Same episode:
    Brak: Don't talk to me mom, I'm a murderer!
    Mom: Oh, dear.
    Brak: I'm going to bed, but I don't see how I'll ever get to sleep!
    Brak: *in bed* Man, I love sleeping! *snore* Oh, I wish I could wake up so I could go back to sleep again! *snore*
  • And again:
    Brak: Mr. Tickles, how do you think Thundercleese is going to take this?
    Mr. Tickles: Oh, my god! He'll tear your arms off!
    Brak: But I love my arms! That's where my hands live!
• Thundercleese apparently has a lightswitch OF TOTAL DEVASTATION!
• Dad: Then you don't open the box! ... but I love you very much!
• Brak hunts down Mr. Tickles' twin brother in One Fish Lake. He finds a gold fish with a large, prospector-like beard.

  "Some say he still lives here and grew a beard... BUT THAT'S A DAMN LIE!"

• RHONDA, OF THE SEVENTH LEVEL OF YAR!
• Brak losing his freaking mind in "Braklet, Prince of Spaceland".
• To get Brak the okay to join him in seeing Ass Disaster 4, which Zorak hints is a pornographic film, Zorak lies that the film is about donkeys. Cue Zorak's WTF reaction when he finds out the film actually is about donkeys.
• Any and all songs; particularly those sung by Zorak.
• In "Hippo", after Brak's dad gives some advice, Brak's mom replies, "Brak's not here. He ran out screaming hours ago."
  • Just before that, Brak walks by twice crying. When Brak's mom notes there might be something wrong with him, his dad mutters, "There's something wrong with all of us, Darling."
• This exchange.

  Zorak: Alright, whaddya wanna do?

  Brak: Do you wanna make love, darling?

  Zorak: WHAT DID YOU SAY TO ME!!?

  Brak: I wasn't talking to you. I was practicing for my wedding night.

  Zorak: What!?

• In "We Ski In Peace", Dad defending his decision to spend Brak's college fund on a boat by noting that 'Brak isn't college material'. Cut to Brak standing on a roadside somewhere dopily and atonally singing a song to himself that consists entirely of the word 'do' said different ways.
  • In the same episode, Dad gets a job at an ice cream store, and him and Clarence (the only other employee, and manager) give Thundercleese a tag team of terrible customer service, including attacking the store's ice cream with a shotgun (comically shouting with every shot) on the grounds that 'it was about to rob us', offering to put Clarence's vomit in a cone, and giving him a customer satisfaction survey with no options except for the customer to say that they are terrible - Clarence then eats the survey.
    • They eventually satisfy Thundercleese by giving him a 'free coupon' that turns out to be a receipt for dry cleaning.
  • ALSO in this episode, is a quick one where Zorak enters the ice cream shop, spots Clarence, shouts 'You!' and chases him offscreen for a beating, none of which is acknowledged by any other character.
• How does this show acknowledge that it's ending? By making an episode with no indication whatsoever that it's the last one, then making the literal last line "I wish we weren't penguins and that our show wasn't canceled." Then the show doesn't end so much as stop. Best End-of-Series Awareness ever.